Crack Danks vs House Elves: Coming to a theater near you 2023

 House Elves- Gandalf the Grey*, Mr. Spock, Mike Tyson, Ron Weasely, Shredder*, Luke Skywalker, Sandworm #10-18, Vampire Sandworm, Zombie Sandworm, Zombie Sea Worm, Frenzy, Buzzsaw*, Ratbat, Glit, Enemy, Wild Men #1-10, #3's Mordor Horse, Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, Omnius*, Ajax*, George Washington*, Wizard, Warrior, Valkyrie, Elf, Dobby, Donald Duck, Scrooge McDuck*, Huey*, Louie*, Duey*, Hanibal Lectur, Meneleus, Agamemnon*, Kanga, Roo, Snake Plisken, The Monkguin*, Dark Helmet*, 4-Lom , Zuckuss, Enfys Nest, Captain Panaka, Finn*, Sebulba, Embo, Admiral Piett, Ginaz Swordsmen #1-5, Ancient Ginaz Swordsmen #1-5, Suk Doctor #1-2, Rom, Quark, Wesley Crusher, Commander Ryker, Zulu, Robert Hudson, Arsenal *, Zombie #5-15, Zangief, Ben Franklin, Skimmell, Sagat, Thomas Jefferson, Winston Churchill, Lucca Brazzi, Sonny Carleone, Mangy Mouse*, Kyle Reese, John Conner, The Wampa*, Bob (bobs burgers) with Linda, Tina, Jean, Louise, Teddy, Zaheer*, White Walker #6-10, Dothraki #7-10, Bowser Jr., Janet Reno, Nikola Tesla, Roy Koopa, John Schlade, Romeo

Crack Danks- Godzilla, The Eradicator, The Witch King of Angmar, Mace Windu*, Qui-Gon Jinn*, Dr. Manhattan* w/ White Lantern Ring, Thunderstrike, Taskmaster, Nathan Algreen, Ultra Man, Sasuke, Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo, Sky Lynx, Juggernaut, Mandarin, Red Skull, Tormund Giantsbane, Jorah Mormont, Batwing, Mar-vel, Chuck Norris, The Joker*, Vampire #5, Watchdog #4, Watchdog #5

Desert

It's the desert. We all know what that means…sandworms. God I hate Sandworms and there were a lot of sandworms. So what happened in the desert? Well we have to go all the way back to the morning. The only thing that sucks in the desert, other than sandworms, in the desert is heat, so both teams started the battle as soon as they could. Juggernaut, Watchdogs #4 and #5, Mandarin, and Dr. Manhattan were moving up under heavy fire from Rom, Quark, Wesley Crusher, Commander Ryker, Zulu, Mr. Spock, Captain Kirk and Captain Picard. They became bogged down around a rocky outcrop as sandworms began surfacing. They radioed in for backup and soon something appeared on the horizon. Was it a bird? a plane? No. It was Chuck Fucking Norris in an X-Wing ready to eat some sandworm ass. The first sandworm ate a volley of proton torpedoes and blew into bits. In the commotion 5 Ginaz Swordsmen, 5 Ancient Ginaz Swordsmen, and 2 Suk Doctors pushed over the top of the rocks down on the Crack Danks squad. There was a lot of movement and bloodshed, but after the dust settled there was still the Juggernaut, Mandarin and Dr Manhattan albeit a little sliced up. Chuck had managed to dust another sandworm in the meantime. 

After the first fight, the Crack Danks squad peered over the top and spotted the rest of the House Elves in their position. Juggernaut got bored of standing on the rocks and now that he knew where they were, he took off after them. While he was sprinting towards them the ground began to tremble and before he knew it the Zombie Sandworm had surfaced, swallowing him whole. Juggernaut did not fret though, he realized this one was tattered and seemed to be decomposing. He merely stuck his head down and kept running. Before anyone on the House Elves side realized, Juggernaut leapt through the side of the sandworm. Fortunately this killed the zombie sandworm, Unfortunately he jumped right into another sandworm's gaper. Chuck Norris followed up with two more torpedoes. As he made his exit the Vampire Sandworm leapt from the sand and was gaining on his ship. With no more torpedoes Chuck knew there was not much he could do. He set the ship's reactor to overload. Dr Manhattan looked on as the worm went below the surface, followed by a massive boom. With one Sandworm left and a break in the action, Dr Manhattan deatomized it. The House Elves knew they couldn’t escape this one. They laid an elaborate trap and managed to kill the Mandarin, but Dr. Manhattan was having no shit that day and cleaned up. 

Arctic

Jorah and Tormund immediately began squaring off with the White Walkers. They were saved by Qui-Gonn who made quick work of them. That's when the Wampa jumped out and mauled Jorah. Tormund went berserk and began beating on the Wampa. He was thrown and Qui-Gonn injured the Wampa. Luke sensed his teammates distress and jumped in. Mace stayed his blade to save Qui-Gonn and the Jedi began dueling. Tormund GoT (get it?) back up and was finally on the Wampas back. What ensued was like a Ratatouille-like control situation. The Wampa ran right into 4-Lom, Zuckuss and Finn. The three opened fire and killed Tormond and the Wampa. Luke was in battle with Mace and Qui-Gonn when Dark Helmet jumped into block a blow with his helmet, it was quite the acrobatic feat. The 2v2 now, was now in full swing. Qui-Gonn struck down Dark Helmet and Luke killed Mace. In the end Luke was able to beat Qui-Gonn. Red Skull,  The Eradicator, and Mar-vel had their work cut out for them. They were dealing with Omnius and Ajax. They also had to avoid fire from the rest of the squad. The squad managed this task, killing Omnius, Ajax, Mangy Mouse, Enfys Nest, Finn, 4-Lom, and Zuckuss, but Red Skull was killed and Mar-Vel was injured and gassed, having tanked a hit from Mangy Mouse. Luke, understanding the nature of his situation, chose to meet up with the rest of his squad somewhere else.

Forest

The bulk of the fighting took place in the forest and plains outside the city. I got to be honest, it was total carnage. Many entered the battle and only Gandalf survived. Here were some notable moments. At one point I witnessed the founding fathers go over the top of their trench with 8 flintlock pistols strapped to their chests. They made many new holes in Thunderstrike, which I don’t think he was expecting. When they were out of ammo, Vampire #5 tried to rush them, but all three pulled a pistol from their back waists and sent 3 silver bullets into him. Mike Tyson and Taskmaster got into it and with the speed of the two fighters, it appeared that no movements were being made, until Mike sent Taskmaster back with a mean uppercut. Sky Lynx full sent it like the Challenger to finish off Buzzsaw in a spectacular finish to his existence. Sasuke met his end at the hands of Dobey, the little rat managed to teleport right into Sasuke’s Susanno which he wasn’t expecting and stabbed him 37 times. Dobby really about that hood life in the end. 

Water

The only notable water battle was between Godzilla and a Zombie Sea Worm. Now sea worms are big but, Godzilla Fucks, you know what I mean? So we all know that Godzilla done did a spin move or shot a big laser at the worm. Sumn like that and it died. The end.

City

In the Bob’s Burgers restaurant, the whole family, Teddy, Lucca Brazzi, and Sonny Corleone geared up for battle. They received a call from Shredder who had the turtles on his tail in the Party Wagon. When he went past the restaurant, Lucca, Sonny, Jean and Lousie opened fire on the car with sub machine guns.  Leonardo and Michelangelo were immediately killed in the fire. Raphael and Donatello jumped out of the van and slid away on their shells into a manhole. They surfaced a few streets away when Shredder caught up to them in an alleyway, Batwing dropped down behind him. What happened next was I stood outside the alley and observed comic-like sound effects emanate from it. When it was over, only Batwing emerged. Captain Panaka was across the street and sniped Batwing.

Dr. Manhattan and Gandalf got into an OP character battle. Buildings were felled, carnage was had. In the end they both died at the cost of themselves, knowing it was the only way it would end. The Joker did a sick drift in front of the Bob’s Burgers restaurant and blew it up with a ridiculously large missile mid drift. The last words heard from the wreckage were “and on the day of my daughter's wedding.”

Winston Churchill looked out towards the sea when he noticed Godzilla’s shadow in the water approaching the city. He hopped in the Firespray 31 he had on standby and set about tracking the beast. Now I bet you're asking yourself, how the hell can he fly this thing? Don’t get bogged down in the details, this man was a legend and told me to tell you “Up yours bruv.” 

He fired at the shadows hoping the beast would surface. His hopes were right and the beast stood up and swung at the fighter. After maneuvering he slid up the back of Godzilla, dropping a seismic charge right behind Godzilla’s head. One sick noise later, the beast's body fell back into the water, causing a massive wave to hit the city. 

Mar-Vel, The Eradicator, and the Joker were all that was left on the Crack Danks squad and for the House Elves it was Luke, Captain Panaka, and Winston Churchill. The Joker ran over Captain Panaka which caused his Ducatti to spin out of control and crash. The Eradicator grabbed the Firespray 31 and ran it into the ground killing Churchill in the process. Luke was able to kill Mar-Vel who was still injured from earlier. The Joker fired everything he had at Luke who dodged or deflected everything, and when he fired his last gun, right in Luke’s face, a little flag with “BANG!” written on it emerged. This caught Luke off for just long enough for the Eradicator to beam him with heat vision.

So kids, what did we learn from all this? We learned that the Founding Fathers are badass, Winston Churchill don't take no shit, Sandworms suck, Mike Tyson still has a mean upper cut, Dobby Gangster as fuck, and Sasuke can’t solve all your problems. Oh and yeah, I really suck at keeping deadlines.