The League of Extraordinary Heterosexual Gentlemen vs The Washington Redskins

It is playoff planet week, both teams begin landing on the planet to prepare for battle. They are amazed at the size of the planet and diversity of terrains. The planet appears fit to house any type of being for battle. Many stories have made their way around the league of epic battles that had been fought here in alternate universes. As the combatants step foot onto the planet they can’t help but feel a vague sense of deja-vu.

The Washington Redskins are:

Yoda (w/ Dwarf Ring #4), Chian, Professor Xavier, Wolverine, Omega Supreme, Sinestro (w/ The White Lantern Ring), The Ghostbusters:. Peter, Ray, Egon, & Winston in Ecto-1,  John McLane and Skeletor in The Batmobile (Tim Burton/Michael Keaton version), Namor the Submariner, The Sando Aqua Monster, Chuck Norris (w/ The Houslander Family Katana) in a Chinese Spy Balloon, Thundercracker and Buster, Skywarp, The Arc Troopers in a U-Wing (O.G. Arc Troopers include: Captain, two lieutenants, heavy weapons specialist, and six Arc Troopers (Obi Wan's special troops from O.G. Clone Wars)), Asajj Ventress in an Arwing, Kup, Sodom Yat, Mandalore the Great (w/ The Dark saber), R.O.B. the Robot in an ARC Fighter,  The Silver Hawks: Colonel Bluegrass w/ Sideman, Quicksilver w/ Talleyhawk, Steelheart w/ Stronghold, Steelwill w/ Rayzor, & Copper Kid w/ Mayday in The Marage, Teddy Roosevelt (in a Hammer Bros. Suit), Larfleeze, Usagi Yojimbo & Jotaro, Sharkticon #7 & 8.  

The Washington Redskins decide to employ the most cutting edge technology to gain the upper hand on their opponent.  Chuck Norris grabs the Houslander Family Katana and climbs up into a Chinese Spy Balloon. Several days later, he is tens of thousands of feet over the camp of the League of Extraordinary Heterosexual Gentlemen. He looks down with his hawk like vision and sees their troops preparing for battle. He sees:

Avatar Aang with Star Sapphire, Superman, Martian Manhunter, Dante, Beowolf, Hecate, Erasmus, Magneto, Ultron, The Insecticons (Venom, Barrage, Chop Chop, Ransack),  Sky Lynx, Bumblebee, Cliffjumper, Sabertooth, Dracula w/power ring, Jason Bourne w/ Death note,  Aphrodite, Pinhead, Galadriel, 4 LOTR Orc, as well as vehicles: TIE Fighter, A-Wing, TIE Reaper, and Imperial Shuttle.

After some time he sees  Avatar Aang, Aphrodite, Jason Bourne, and Dante get into a TIE Reaper and leave the camp.

“Well, their story checks out.” He utters to himself. “Although they do have a couple of broads. And Bumblebee is kinda gay.” Chuck writes down his findings on his notepad. He then pulls a carrier pigeon out of his pocket, sticks the note in the bird’s mouth, and roundhouse kicks it back to his team. Back at the Redskins base Yoda picks up the dead pigeon and pulls the note out of its mouth. “Begin now the battle will”.

Back in the balloon, Chuck is getting bored so he decides to start hocking loogies. He spits one out with precision and lands it directly through an Orc’s skull. The other three orcs look up in bewilderment. Then another loogie slams through skull of another Orc. The remaining two look at each other confused, about to run when they are both offed by high velocity spit wads. 

In the balloon Chuck mumbles to himself contentedly “The age of Orcs is over. The time of the loogie has come!”

Down below the Gentleman are discussing what had transpired and what they should do about it.

“It is a very advanced form of technology. We must leave it be.” Says Galadriel. “It is the tradition of this world to allow the balloon to float freely for days while doing nothing. Besides, we need to find out more information about what this thing is.”

“I told you days ago that it’s just a balloon with an old man sunbathing nude next to a sword. I offered multiple times to shoot it down and you declined.” Retorts Sky Lynx.

Meanwhile, a TIE Reaper lands near the beach and the Gentleman exit the ship.

“Our water foes are very formidable. Stick to the plan.” says Avatar Aang as he begins bending water attempting to uncover the enemy. He sees a couple of Sharkticons swimming near the shore so he earth bends some nearby boulders and sends them directly into the transformers. While he is occupied a very large wave forms and knocks the gentlemen into the water. Namor, riding on the back of the Sando Aqua Monster swims up and devours Avatar Aang and Dante. Aphodite and Jason Bourne swim towards shore but Aphrodite doesn’t make it and is also consumed. Jason hurries onto the shore and falls onto his back as the monster gains on him.

“Please! Before you eat me please tell me, who is it that has bested me?” begs Jason Bourne.

“What? Have you not heard of the great Namor? Or my pet Sando Aqua Monster? We are the most fearsome –“ then they both die suddenly, as Jason finishes writing in his notebook. Jason then returns to his TIE Reaper to fly back to the others.

Back at their base, the Gentleman see a speck in the distance. As it gets closer they see that it is Wolverine pushing Professor Xavier in his wheelchair.

“Do not shoot.” Commands Magneto. After a while Professor X and Wolverine get close and then stop.

“I have assessed the situation. Your team loses in the end. I am offering you the option to surrender now and spare the lives of your team.” Pleads Professor X.

“Charles, I know who is on your team. They are mostly robots and costumed people in vehicles. They are no match for my powers.” Flaunts Magneto.

“Very well, you were warned.” And with that Wolverine begins wheeling him away.

“Stop!” yells Magneto as he exerts his control over wolverine. “Why would you come here defenseless? Wolverine is the last person who could defend you from me?”

And with that Thundercracker and Skywarp swoop in from opposite directions firing their blasters at Magento. He is incinerated as the Gentleman are momentarily stunned. The rest of the Redskins then lunge into battle.

The Gentleman frantically run for their ships.  Erasmus gets into his TIE Fighter, Pinhead gets in his A-wing, and Beowolf in an Imperial Shuttle. Having advanced intel the Redskins U-Wing,  Asajj Ventress in her Arwing, and R.O.B. the robot in his ARC figher gun down the ships and combatants as they attempt to take off. The Silver Hawks and Sinestro blast away Hecate.

Superman sees the battle slipping away and responds quickly by flying through the Redskins U-Wing causing it to crash killing all of the Arc troopers. He then puts his heat vision onto R.O.B. the robots Arc fighter blowing it up. He catches up to Asajj Ventress and rips the wing off of her Arwing but she ejects before the crash.

 Sky Lynx knocks off the Silverhawks one by one. He then pursues Skywarp and Thundercracker, neither of whom can shake him off. Sky Lynx blasts both transformers out of the air and begins strafing the Redskin’s ground forces. He easily picks off Usage Yojimbo and Jotaro without much effort.

On the ground the Ghostbuster pull up and get out of Ecto-1 near Dracula. They pull out their proton packs and begin blasting at Dracula but he is too fast for them. The Batmobile pulls up and as John McClain and Skeletor get out Dracula flies behind John McClain and drains his blood. John tries to get back into the Batmobile and faints, his foot hitting the gas pedal. The Batmobile smashes into the Ghostbusters and Ecto-1, killing everyone involved. Skeletor notices Dracula is distracted by this and takes the opportunity to thrust his sword through his chest.

Sabertooth eyes Wolverine from across the field. The two begin moving towards each other. Sabretooth strikes first, charging towards Wolverine with his claws extended. Wolverine meets him head-on, their claws clashing in a shower of sparks. The two exchange blows, their enhanced senses allowing them to anticipate each other's moves.

Sabretooth grins savagely as he lands a blow on Wolverine's side, drawing blood. But Wolverine fights back with renewed ferocity, slashing at Sabretooth's face with his claws. Sabretooth snarls and slashes back, their claws locking together once again.

The fight continues for what seems like an eternity, both combatants matching each other blow for blow. They roll and tumble across the ground, their claws tearing up the earth beneath them. 

With a final, savage roar, Wolverine delivers a devastating blow to Sabretooth's chest, puncturing his heart. Sabretooth falls to the ground, dead. Wolverine stands over his fallen foe, breathing heavily but victorious.

Martian Manhunter and Ultron find themselves confronted by Larfleeze and Sinestro. Martin Manhunter used his telepathy to probe the minds of his opponents, seeking to find their weaknesses. Ultron, on the other hand, unleashed a barrage of energy blasts, intent on taking down his foes with raw power.

Larfleeze summons his power of avarice to create a swarm of constructs that swarmed around his opponents, engulfing them in a sea of orange light. Sinestro, the Yellow Lantern, used his ring to create a cage of fear around the two heroes, trapping them within.

Martin Manhunter tried to use his shape-shifting abilities to escape the cage, but he found that Sinestro's ring was too powerful for him to overcome. Ultron, too, found himself unable to break free, as the cage seemed to sap his energy and weaken him.

Larfleeze and Sinestro then launched a coordinated attack, with Sinestro blasting the trapped heroes with his ring while Larfleeze unleashed his orange constructs upon them. Martin Manhunter and Ultron fought back with all their might, but it was not enough. Martian Manhunter then used his telepathic powers to plant the idea into Sinestro’s mind that Larfleeze would turn on him. Sinestro then turned and focused his attack on Larfleeze.

Larfleeze had been caught off guard by Sinestro's attack and was now lying motionless on the ground. Sinestro approached him slowly, a smug grin on his face as he relished in his victory. It was short lived, however, as he realized he had been duped into killing his own teammate. He then turned to his trapped opponents and finished them off.

Omega Supreme lands on the battlefield and transforms mode and engages the insecticons. They attack him while saying something in a high pitched, barely understandable voice but he just ignores them and squashes them like bugs.

Kup is in a shootout with Bumblebee and Cliffjumper. Kup takes a couple of blasts and has his gun knocked out of his hand. They have him on the ropes, about to be blasted away when Omega Supreme stomps on both of them, creating a pile of scrap metal. Just as Kup begins to thank Omega Supreme he sees several explosions on him as he is blasted from behind by Sky Lynx. Kup narrowly avoids the same fate.

Chuck Norris is watching the battles below as sees that Sky Lynx is causing problems for his team. He puts on pants, grabs his katana, and jumps from the balloon. He aims his descent perfectly to land on the back of Sky Lynx. He holds on tight as Sky Lynx begins performing aggressive maneuvers to knock him off. Chuck takes his katana and digs it into Sky Lynx as deep as he can. The damage causes Sky Lynx to lose control of his flight. The two plummet towards the earth, the impact causing a massive explosion killing both of them.

Galadriel finds herself surrounded by Redskins. Yoda, Chian, Asajj Ventress, Mandalore the Great, and Sinestro begin creeping towards her with their weapons drawn. Superman sees this and swoops down next to assist his teammate. Galadriel telepathically communicates with Superman as their enemies approach. They are attempting to come to a consensus on what to do when Asajj Ventress swings her light sabers at Galadriel barely missing her. Superman briefly uses his heat vision on Galadriel’s sword then upper cuts Chian to dislocate his skull. Faster than any of the other characters, he gets behind Sinestro and snaps his neck from behind and throws his body at Yoda. Galadriel drives her heated sword through the chest of Mandalore the Great but is not quick enough as Asajj Ventress is successful this time and beheads the elf. Superman very quickly avenges his fallen teammate by grabbing one of the lightsabers of Asajj Ventress and slicing her in half. He then thinks to himself one more left, only to look down and sees a lighsaber protruding from his abdomen, the last thing he sees before he dies. Yoda removes his lightsaber from the Kryptonian and regroups with his team.

Jason Bourne returns in his Tie Reaper to see considerable destruction on the battlefield. As he is landing he sees several characters that he recognizes. “Time to go meet my heroes.” He steps out of the Tie Reaper to be greeted by some of the remaining Redskins.

“Over now, it is.” Says Yoda as he approaches Jason Bourne, igniting his lightsaber. Yoda, Wolverine, Skeletor, and Sodom Yat approach Jason.

“It was great to meet all of you before you die.” Exclaims Jason. The approaching members of the Redskins seem to slow down, then drop their weapons and clench at their chest, dying suddenly. 

With only a few loose ends to resolve, Jason Bourne approaches Teddy Roosevelt carrying a big stick with some metal at the end of it. “And who are you old man?” he asks.

Teddy Roosevelt very softly replies with his name.

“What? I can’t hear you.” Teddy then repeats his name softly.

“I don’t have time for this.” Jason retorts as he punches Teddy Roosevelt and starts walking away. Teddy begins throwing hammers at him while Buster runs up and starts biting his leg. He manages to break free of the dog and runs away as fast as he can. Kup drives right in front of the fleeing Jason Bourne who runs into the truck and falls to the ground, dropping death note. Professor X wheels over like Mr. Walicki on the last day of school and maneuvers his wheelchair to be on the neck of Jason Bourne, Floyd style. Buster picks up death note and brings it to Professor X.

“This is the end, Jason Bourne. I guess we need to start calling you Jason Died.”

He writes in the book: Jason Bourne, fentanyl overdose.