Week Nine: CisHets vs. Sigmaz

The Heterosexual Gentlemen are: General Kenobi and The "Burger King" King w/ wakizashi, and four LOTR Orcs.

Sigmaz are Kratos and five goblins, one of whom has an AK-47 and severe mental illness.

A deadly logistical dilemma was occuring in Yoda's hut. By the Will of the Watchers, the 12 combatants were jammed asses to elbows in the confined space, strictly forbidden from going outside. To ensure this, the hut was encased in Flex Tape. General Kenobi was packed alongside fellow sardine The King, Monarch of all Burgerkind, brandishing a wicked sick wakizashi. Their entourage consisted of four Orcs seemingly tangled around them from all sides at once. Across the hut, Kratos, the God of War, was similarly swimming in goblins. At the center of it all was one very irritated goblin with an AR-15.

The hut cracked and groaned as the pressure inside became too much even for the power of Flex Tape. Kenobi calls to Kratos, "You can give up now, Kratos! Quit the league, dissolve your team, it's the only way we can survive this predicament!" Kratos grunted and replied "The only way you will survive, perhaps. You don't even have a proper God behind your cult. Just this... Jester?" They look toward The King. He didn't look back. He didn't squirm, he didn't groan as his ribs were tested by the cramped space. He only stared ahead, smiling. Disturbed and outraged, Kratos began flexing his muscles violently as he could in an attempt to throw a punch. The effort sent waves of force through the cuddle puddle. An orc's head burst, another's chest was caved in by a neighboring kneebone. The walls gave a final agonal creak before bursting into shrapnel and dust. As the wreckage settled, the combatants look around to find... ANOTHER Yoda Hut, but slightly larger!

As our two teams stopped to ponder what had appeared before them, a furious shriek emanated from the back of the crowd. 

From the ranks of the goblins, the one brandishing the AR-15 unleashed a storm of bullets into the cramped space. Panic ensued as bodies scattered, desperately seeking cover from the onslaught. General Kenobi acted deftly to end the Goblin's mass shooting, though by the time it was safe to intervene all the Orcs were already dead.

Yet, victory for Kenobi was short-lived. Kratos seized the moment as Kenobi crossed to his side of the now medium-sized hut. With a single mighty step to his left, he came within range to jam his Blades of Chaos through Kenobi's torso, tearing upward and leaving him in ribbons.

Kratos then turned his eye to The King, who had remained silent through the chaos of the firefight. He was sneaking in a cartoonist fashion toward the door. As Kratos started toward him, he dashed away instantly, leaving a puff of burning rubber and a King-shaped hole in the door. A Kratos-sized hole quickly followed as he burst through after the King out into an enormous replica of Yoda's Hut, larger than the last, maybe larger than any hut ever before it. The King was hastily dashing across the now vast room toward the door. Kratos dove across the room and seamlessly threw his axe as he rolled out of a somersault, striking the King in the back. He noticed, as he called the axe back, there is no blood. He moved to the body and turns it over to find that, rather than a man in a plastic mask, he had struck a plastic mannequin with a man's face. General Kenobi's face. His cool composure faltered briefly. He shouted to the room, as he tore through to find his mark, "Enough games! Face me!" He found no sign in any hiding place, no tracks. He stormed to the enormous door and began to throw his weight against it. After a few strikes it gave way, and he stumbled into a new environment. 

Floor tiles. Fluorescent tube lighting set to dim overnight. An empty stretch of off-highway road out plate windows on a cool May night. He had emerged from the ladies room of a Burger King Restaurant. Sooner than he could comprehend, the floor tiles split beneath him, and he was dropped into a pool of bubbling fryer oil. The tiles closed, and in seconds they opened again, but no oil was seen in the space beneath. Instead, a 7 foot cardboard fast foot box emerged slowly on a shining marble platform, labeled: "NEW 🔥 SPICY🔥KRATOS FRIES!". As the under-floor elevator came to a halt, the lid of the box popped open, and there emerged The King, his lifeless smile unwavering in a shower of golden fried demigod meat sticks.