Washington vs the Straights

 League of (Suspiciously) Heterosexual Gentleman: Avatar Aang w/Star Sapphire Ring, Superman, Martian Manhunter, King Beerus, Harry Potter, Bellatrix Lestrange, Professor McGonagall, Galadriel, Nazgul #5 w/Fell Beast, Magneto w/Red Lantern Ring, Ultron, Sabertooth, Jason Bourne w/Death Note, Dracula w/Power Ring, Paul Bunyon, Commander Ahsoka, Lando and Lobot in a Stealth Bomber, General Kenobi, Homelander, Sky Lynx, 20 LOTR Orcs, Delta One Squad (Damon Baird, Augustus Cole, Marcus Fenix, Dom Santiago), Bumblebee

Washington (State) Redskins: Yoda w/Dwarf Ring, Professor Xavier, Havok, Polaris, Wolverine, X-23, Psylocke, Larfleeze, Omega Supreme, Sinestro w/White Lantern Ring, Cable, Chuck Norris w/Houslander Family Sword, Thundercracker and Buster, Jedi Master #1 in F-15, Jedi Master #2-4 in NAZA Space Shuttle, Bat-Mite, Sodom Yat, John McLane in Landmaster, Storm Shadow w/Laser Sword, Liu Kang, Toad in the Batmobile (tim burton), The Leprechaun, Colossus, Asajj Ventress in an Arc Fighter, Usagi Yojimbo and Jotoro, Heavy Weapons Arc Trooper, Chinese Spy Balloon, Black Lantern #1 and #2, Black Dragon #1 and #2, Namor, Sando Aqua Monster, Sharkticon #8, Allicon #4, Atlantean #10, Teddy Roosevelt w/Hammer Bros Suit and Wicket in a Speed Boat 

Hey it'sa me, unemployed Ethan. I won't lie, the day drinks are calling my name so…. This match might be a mess. 

Let us be honest, one of these teams played a water squad and the other didn’t…looking at you Phrunk. But believe me the team that did definitely made themselves known.

With all that out of the way, crack open a six pack (or a sody pop if you're underage or a pussy), kick back, and enjoy the show like I did watching this shit. 

We lead with the Forest. King Beerus, Harry Potter, Bellatrix Lestrange, Sabertooth, Professor McGonagall, Galadriel, Nazgul #5, Dracula, Paul Bunyon, and #1-#20 Orcs were set up on one half of the forest. Unbeknownst to them the Redskins sent their chinese spy balloon to scout ahead. It managed to identify many of their positions before a big gust of wind took it off course. Once it cleared the trees it was spotted and the Straights called in air support. Lando flew by and hit it directly with a bomb blowing it into smithereens. But it was too late.

Springing from the forest Wolverine, X-23, and Chuck Norris ambushed the Orcs. There were orc parts and blood flinging every which way, but the victory was short lived. A barrage of spells began whipping into the trees from LeStrange, Potter, and McGonagall. X-23 was picked up by Harry’s magic and thrown into Chuck Norris, who succumbed to the injuries. With X-23’s blades stuck in Chuck she was an easy target for Bellatrix. Wolverine was taking cover when Sabertooth tackled him and drug him away from the main battle for a 1v1. Washington sent in a second squad consisting of Cable, Bat-Mite, The Leprechaun, Storm Shadow, Liu Kang, Usagi and Jotoro. They had the three wizards pinned down. The 3 wizards' magic was of little use now that Bat-Mite was able to alter their spell to do no harm and they were all cut down. That's when their flank was flanked was flanked by Galadriel, Nazgul #5, Dracula, and Paul Bunyon. The fighting was intense. 

Paul Bunyon cut through Usagi and Jotoro in one swing. Storm Shadow caught his attention and on his Bunyon’s next attack he used his laser sword to cut right through his ax and his arm. Paul reached to grab Storm Shadow but lost his other arm in the process. With no arms it wasn’t long till he lost his head too. Dracula avenged his fallen comrade by dropping from above and thrashing Storm Shadow. Nazgul #5 was floating above the battle when Black Dragons #1-2 appeared on the horizon. While he was able to take down the dragons, his fell beast sustained injuries and it dropped from the sky. Rejoining the battle on foot he witnessed Liu Kang straight up boxing Dracula up. Nazgul #5 was sneaking up on the fight, when he was shot by Cable.

Dracula managed to stun Liu Kang and he went for the neck while he had his chance. Liu Kang laid dead, empty of blood, while Dracula caught his breath. Still in the shadows, Cable charged up a blast that fried Dracula to dust. Cable and Bat-mite grouped up and began to surround Galdriel. She turned and looked at them, having just finished off the Leprechaun who was splattered all over a nearby tree. She knew this situation didn't look good for her and as the fighting started she pressed a button. Lobot received the signal and the bomber turned in towards the target. They dropped several megatons of ordinance killing both Cable and Galadriel, but Bat-Mite survived the blast and took down the plane before they could escape. 

Lord Berus had been watching the whole fight go down, not too enticed to participate. But Bat-Mite showed strength, the type of power that piqued Berus’ curiosity. The two began a fight that took them between dimensions and neither was ever seen again.

Above the city, both teams amassed large forces in an all out brawl. 

 

Let's get the quick stuff out of the way. If you were a transformer or in some type of aircraft, you were a sitting duck for both of these teams. Magneto easily took down Omega Supreme, Thundercracker, Jedi Master #1, and the NAZA Space Shuttle, while Polaris crushed Sky Lynx. The wreckage fell all over the city, causing general mayhem and fires to break out. The damage also reached a dam which caused much of the city to flood (this was my idea first).

Superman easily took care of the two black lanterns, who were no match for his strength. Sodam showed out and did his best. The yellow sun of the solar system brought his power comparable to that of Superman. The two duked it out, but Superman was eventually the victor.

Sinestro squared off with the Martian Manhunter and Avatar Aang. The power of the white lantern ring gave him an edge in the battle. Martian Manhunter was hit in a flyby from Ventress and he fell out of the sky. Aang hurled a mix of the four elements at the Arc fighter which then blew up. Sinestro and Aang battled hard, but Sinestro eventually came out on top.

Larfleeze used his constructs to overpower Homelander and Ultron. He then spit some absolute heat at Ultron which was strong enough to melt him. Homelander managed to beat back many of his constructs and landed a lot of good hits on Larfleeze, but he just replaced the constructs and before long Homelander was killed.

Magneto had a much better understanding of his powers than Polaris, so this fight went quick, with Magneto coming out on top.

The final fight was between Superman and Magneto on the straights side and Larfleeze and Sinestro on the Washington side. This was a huge throw down, both sides were already beat up from their earlier battles. The two lanterns quickly overpowered Superman before he had a chance to whoop some ass. While the two Lanterns were strong, they were still living beings. Magneto easily pulled all the metallic materials in their blood and shredded their bodies. 

Now we move to da big city. Both teams had already had squads move in and capture good positions. 

Ahsoka and Kenobi lead Jason Bourne, Bumblebee, and Delta Squad One. Magneto made his way to his team from his previous battle.

Yoda, Professor Xavier, Toad, John Mclane, Psylocke, Havok, Arc Trooper, and Colossus were there on land, while Namor, Sando Aqua Monster, Sharkticon #8, Allicon #4, Atlantean #10, Teddy Roosevelt w/Hammer Bros Suit and Wicket in a Speed Boat entered the flooded city. 

The final clash started and the killing started happening fast. Jason Bourne wrote Charles Xavier's name in his death note and then a building fell on top of him. Toad and John Mclane were driving when they were ambushed by Delta Squad One. Toad was killed when the batmobile was destroyed. John managed to get out of his car and reached cover. Dom and Marcus were killed before Damon and Augustus could overrun his position and take John down. The firefight gave the Arc trooper time to reach a good position and a well placed rocket took out the rest of Delta Squad. 

Magneto picked up Colossus and crushed him. He then hurled his body into the Sando Aqua Monster which removed much of the beast's insides. He then crushed Sharkticon #8 and Allicon #4. Wicket and Teddy Roosevelt were ripping down the streets. Wicket managed to land a spear in Magneto’s leg, in retaliation he forced the speed boat up to full speed. With the tight corners of the city the boat soon crashed into a Michael Bay explosion. 

Bumblebee was dismembered by Yoda, who was too small for the machine to land a hit. Ahsoka and Kenobi moved in to take down the Grandmaster. The fight dragged on for what felt like hours. Normally the two jedi would be able to win this battle through attrition, but the power of the ring allowed Yoda to fight indefinitely. Ashoka and Kenobi eventually found themselves losing the battle and it wasn't long until they were both dead.

Jason was getting surrounded by Psylocke, Havok and the Arc Trooper. It was looking like the end for him when Martian Manhunter appeared to bail him out. He had landed on a building after being knocked out and awoke during the chaos. Martian Manhunter killed Psylocke, but was hit by a thermal detonator thrown by the Arc Trooper. He burned like a bad case of gonorrhea. Havok and the Arc Trooper then made light work of Jason Bourne.

Magneto was finishing off Namor and Atlantean #10 when the Arc Trooper, Havok and Yoda came (pause) upon him. Already injured, he still was fending off the three attackers. That's when Wolverine leaped out from behind him, bloodied and beaten, and split him in half.