2023 Universe Bowl

You’re young and fierceful AL Champion… Darkseid’s Horsemen of the Apokolips: Darkseid, Supergirl, Agent Smith, Superboy, Megatron, Juggernaut, Apocalypse, Flash, Saruman the White, Shazam, Poseidon, He-Man, Battlecat, Red Robin, Miss Martian, Wondergirl, Legends Leia Organa and C-3PO in Princess Leia’s Y-Wing, Grand Admiral Thrawn and crew in Chimera, Seaworms #1-10, Red Hood, Arsenal, Starfire, Wedge Antillies in Wedge’s X-Wing, Biggs Darklighter in Bigg’s X-Wing, Gannondorf, Granny Goodness, Bloody Mary, Stompa, Mad Harriet, Lashina, She-Ra, Swift-Wind, Nazgul #3 on #3’ Fell Beast, Nazgul #4 on #4’s Fell Beast, Emma Della Mora the Italian Mobster, Penguin, Riddler, Stan Lee, Piandao, Samwise on Bill the Pony, Hermoine Granger, Ron Weasley, Eric Cartman in Hulk Buster Iron Man Suit

You’re ever graying yet dangerous NL Champion… The Washington Redskins: Yoda w/ Dwarf Ring #4, Professor Xavier, Havoc, Polaris, Namor, X-23, Psylocke, Wolverine, Larfleeze, Omega Supreme, Sinestro w/White Lantern Ring, Cable, Sando Aqua Monster, Chuck Norris w/ Houslander Katana, Thundercrack, Buster, Skywarp, Jedi Master #1 in Y-Wing, Jedi Master #2-4 in NASA Space Shuttle, Even Piell, Mandalore the Great w/ Darksaber, Bat-Mite, Sodam Yat, John McLane, Storm Shadow w/ Laser Sword, Liu Kang, Toad and Jotaro w/ Purple Lightsaber in the Batmobile, Leprechaun, Colossus, Asajj Ventress in X-Wing, Usagi Yojimbo, Arc Trooper Captain, Lieutenant, 2nd Lieutenant, Weapons Expert, #1-6, Sharkticon #8, Atlantean #10, Allicon #4, Black lantern #1-2, Black Dragon #1-2, Yaddle w/ Dwarf Ring #7, Nemesis Enforcer w/ Sword of Darkness, Dobby, Asami, Skeletor w/ Havoc Staff and Power Sword, Theoden King, Squirtle, Teddy Roosevelt in Hammer Bros Suit and Wicket Warrick and Ghostbusters in Ecto-1

—

I am the watcher of this known realm. My designation is Z-171717, nicknamed “Zeph”. I have been tasked to bear witness to the 2023 Rebooted Fantasy Fantasy Reboot Universe Bowl. The all wise greybeard tactician, Josh Houslander, must face his own son, the wild and daring youngster, Alex Houslander. Josh knows what he must do to earn himself the rank of champion, but he knows not if he has the strength to do it. Alex, however, cares not for the subtleties of war and is headstrong for the throne, blind to the understanding of the path he must take. Will Alex’s brute force be enough to claim his third title… or will Josh sacrifice his eldest son in return for a legacy that would be written about in the history books?

—

“So it begins…”

…Theoden King announces as his task force reaches the crest of a sand mountain and looks down upon members of Darkseid’s Horseman of the Apokolips. – This year’s arena, a worldwide playground, is able to imitate environments from other universes. Here simulates the dry heat of Arrakis, the unforgiving nature of Dune. – Before this squadron of Washington Redskins begins their descent down the coarse golden wave of sand, Theoden recalls a battlecry he once sounded in a moment that feels similar to now. This brief pause was enough for Apocalypse to rearrange the sand beneath Theoden so that he fell below the surface and suffocated. Swiftly, Battlecat and Swift-Wind continue the Horseman’s assault as they transport their riders up the sand dune. As they reach the top, Battlecat and Swift-Wind collapse from dehydration. Skeletor engages with his nemesis, He-Man, while Usagi Yojimbo, Liu Kang, and Storm Shadow take on She-Ra. He-Man and Skeletor fight a vicious battle, but He-Man knows his longtime antagonist and is able to slay him. However, the three masters of fighting overcome She-Ra. He-Man attempts to take a stand, but too falls to the swords of Yojimbo and Kang, not before Storm Shadow breathes his last breath. Down below still stands Apocalypse and Ganondorf as Mandalore the Great, Bat-Mite, Yojimbo, and Kang make their cautious approach, aware of the ultimate power the once Egyptian man holds. Suddenly, Arc Troopers arise from the sand, in true Fremen fashion, surrounding the Horsemen and are able to slay Ganondorf, but are unable to put a scratch on Apocalypse before they are destroyed. Bat-Mite is curious about this deified mutant as he watches him slaughter Mandalore the Great, Yojimbo, and Kang. Angered by Apocalypse's disregard for life, Bat-Mite uses his magic to dismember the mutant down to the last atom in the name of his idol, Batman, who would never resort to killing. As Bat-Mite is the final living member from either party, his curiosity turns to a nearby desert mouse, a Muad’Dib, to learn more about the environment of this Dune world. Speaking as a watcher, I am unsure if Bat-Mite’s curiosity will eventually take him back to the war that continues elsewhere on this worldwide stage.

—

As this year’s fine arena has chosen to replicate many historic environments, my watchful eye magnetizes towards the clear blue waters of Eywa’eveng, otherwise known to humans as Pandora. Acting as a watcher of things, sea battles are often difficult to portray in the murky depths of the ocean, but Pandora’s water is amongst the clearest in all universes and makes my duties simpler. The chosen grounds portrayed by the arena are that of the Metkayina village and its surrounding waters which are home to the highly sentient and pacifist water species, Tulkun. However, a much larger species have now made home to these waters, genetically modified versions of sandworms known as seaworms. These enormous creatures are commanded by the Horseman’s Posiedon and his right hand Miss Martian. The Redskins counter with a meager squad led by the boy without love, Namor. Sharkticon, Atlantean, and Allicon lead head first into a wall of seaworms where they are instantly defeated. Namor, taking a more practical approach, pleads to the young and inexperienced Miss Martian. He begs her for safety and wishes no harm to the Horsemen. With the help of Squirtle’s cuteness, Miss Martian convinces Posiedon to spare the remaining Redskins. It is when they are close enough that Namor reveals his true plan and stabs his trident through Poseidon’s back. Miss Martian quickly retaliates and blenders Namor’s brain into death, but Squirtle uses ‘water gun’ and shoots a gaping hole in the center of the psychic martian. The tiny Squirtle, however, does not fare well against the giant worm creatures. As the 10 of them circle the waters, a larger monster from below awakens to find his next meal. It is the Sando Aqua Monster!! He reaches up and rips one of the seaworms in half. The remaining 9 descend to attack, but are met with a mighty power. The monster is too big for the worms to ingest and resort to wrapping it instead. However, the Sando Aqua Monster will not go down easy, it bites and tears its way through many of them. Unfortunately for the monster, one of the seaworms created a tight grip around the monster’s throat and snapped the great monster’s neck. As the seaworm loosens its grip on the lifeless body, reality sets in that it is the only one to have survived.

—

My all seeing eyes make a change in scenery and look up to the sky where Cloud City has taken form. Although, I… I sense another set of eyes taking a peek upon this potential battle. I cannot yet see its form, but I sense it to be there. Nonetheless, a group of Redskins have seized control of the sky. On the contrary, a death squad of Horsemen accompanied by Eric Cartman make their approach to Cloud City seeking a flight break. On approach, the Nazgul are shredded by shots fired by the transformers Skywarp and Thundercracker. Shazam counters with a lightning strike that frys the sentient metal machines. Thundercracker’s dog, Buster, is mortified by seeing its owner die. Shazam is about to fry the dog, as well, but I make my move! Buster disappears before their eyes.

I know, I know, I know. I must not interfere, it’s like rule one of being a watcher. But… but… I just can’t watch it happen again. After ‘I am Legend’, I don’t watch dogs die anymore. It’s sort of becoming a problem… I have a lot of dogs now. It’s okay though, Buster is just gonna hangout with me now, no need for his death.

Anyways, let's focus our attention back to Cloud City. Nemesis Enforcer takes flight with Black Dragons close on his six. They approach the undying Megatron and are able to finally put him to rest once and for all. In pure shock and awe, Eric Cartman actually pooped in the Hulk Buster Iron Man suit. I can’t believe my eyes, this degenerate really just disgraced that fine piece of technology. The smell, trapped inside the suit, actually gasses Cartman to death. This atrocity makes Superboy and Wondergirl pause for they are too stunned to speak. This is long enough for Larfleeze to grab hold of Wondergirl and hold a knife to her throat. Larfleeze uses this as a bargaining chip for Shazam to say his name and return to his human form. Once Shazam is a mere lad again, Larfleeze slices Wondergirl’s throat anyways, and Nemesis Enforcer is able to crush Billy Batson. Superboy now becomes uncontrollably raged and holds nothing back as he makes quick work of the remaining Redskins..

—

I cannot disclose the location of this arena, but it is far far far into deep space. As I zoom out and focus on the contestants in orbit of the artificial planet, I notice in the distance a black hole that appears strikingly similar to Gargantua.

Wait a minute… who is that petting Buster? “You… is it your eyes I could sense earlier? Who are you? How are you able to be here with me?” It’s an old man… he turns to face me, smiles, and vanishes. In all my time as a watcher, I have known nothing powerful enough to enter my plane of existence… only watchers can be here…

Enough! I am getting distracted from the war that rages before me. A group of Redskins have taken shelter upon their teammate, Omega Supreme. The Horsemen are intrigued by the behemoth metal structure that is a sentient being, and have sent Leia, Wedge, and Biggs to investigate. They are quickly met by the force of Asajj Ventress, a Jedi Master, and a NASA Space Shuttle. Asajj, using hatred to fuel herself, is left as the only survivor of the aerial dog fight. Darkseid and the Female Furries stand atop Chimera as they watch the destruction in the distance. Darkseid simply smirks and commands the Furries to take care of those Redskin scum. The Furries charge through Ventress’ ship and believe the ring bearers to be worth nothing. They approach Sodam Yat and laugh at how easy this will be. Unfortunately for their own sake, the Furries did not see what rings Sinestro possessed… he moves to center stage and reveals the shining white light that can only be made by a White Lantern Ring. His power is not matched by the Furries and they are disposed of accordingly. Still no fear has struck Darkseid, instead he abandons ship and enacts plan B… Chimera adjusts course and enters hyperspace. However, its course was directed into the center of Omega Supreme, instantly killing both. The rest of the Redskin squadron are in a flurry of panic as Supergirl approaches from nowhere. She bolts through the Black Lanterns, but is met by the combined force of Sinestro and Sodam Yat where she meets her match while taking Sodam Yat with her. Darkseid and Sinestro are the only survivors left of the space realm, each nod from a distance and return to their respective teams.

—

Is that (in a very heavy accent) Brooklyn? The final stage of this war is taking place in the city, and the arena appears to have chosen to resemble Brooklyn. I wonder if we’ll see Miles Morales swinging around? “No. I’m sorry, but this is not his story.” the old man interjects. I ask out of confusion, “How can you hear my inner monologue? Are you another watcher?” He smiles like last time, “Sort of… sort of not. I’m more of a writer…” And he disappears again. I don’t understand, how is this possible… I can’t continue to dwell on this, I must complete my task and bear witness to the Universe Bowl.

In the streets of Brooklyn, Ecto-1 and Batmobile are cruising until they come across some DC goodies and villains; Penguin, Riddler, Red Robin, Red Hood, and Arsenal. Penguin and Riddler panic, thinking they’re about to have to face the dark knight, himself. But Red Robin can tell by the driving that it is not the bat who drives this blacked out ride. With Toad and Jotaro behind the wheel, they give no second thought to simply running the two OG bat villains over with the Batmobile. As for Ecto-1, for some reason they are letting Wicket drive, but he can’t even see over the steering wheel. They miss the crime fighting heroes and instead demonstrate how the crumple zones work for a hearse upon hitting a brick wall at 60 mph. Meanwhile, the sidekicks attempt to take back control of the batmobile, but Toad and Jotaro activate self-destruct by accident, Red Robin is the only one left standing. Although, suddenly, Red Robin vanishes out of thin air…

The magic wielders make their appearance… Hermione Granger and Ron Weasely come across some powerful mutants on the Redskins side. Havoc takes the first step and sends an energy beam towards the smartest witch of her age, and with ease she stops it using protego. She counters with the… killing… curse…? Wait, Hermione did that?? Oh, nevermind, Ron got mad and HE used the killing curse. Professor X then mind controls Ron into using sectumsempra on Hermione. As she slowly bled to death, she used diffindo to take Psylocke with her. With losing the love of his life, Ron was overcome with grief and decided to go on a hit list killing Colossus, Asami, and John Mclane. Again, suddenly, Ron vanishes from thin air…

Professor X and the other mutants were confused by the sudden disappearance, but their attention quickly shifted to the ever louder rumbling that seemed to get closer and closer. Soon enough, a building began crashing to the ground and landed on Piandao, Cable, and Polaris. Juggernaut stood amongst the rubble, showing to be the source of the collapsing structure. He began another full speed run towards the Professor to which, instead, his head met the cold feeling of adamantium before reaching the omega level mutant. Xavier thanks Logan for the help, and rather than another fight for the Professor, he notices an old man in a white robe sitting at a chess table. Charles decides to join the lovely White Wizard who offers a game of chess to decide their fates… Xavier feeling old and tired decides that this is perhaps the best offer. Through an intense match of chess, the wizard comes out on top. “Sorry, friend. I have thousands of years of experience over you.” says Saruman. Professor X replies, “That’s okay, I’m looking forward to the quiet.” And with that Charles passes. Wolverine, however, does not hold the same sentiments, and he extends his metal dipped claws into the back of Saruman for his revenge.

Flash approaches and sees Wolverine retract his claws, in which he notices the heightened healing factor. Wolverine attempts to warn the Flash to not even try fighting, but Flash points out that he has a healing factor, too. Each go back and forth, blow for blow, with X-23 even joining in to help Logan. Flash realizes that to kill Logan and X-23, he needs to hurt them faster than their healing factor can catch up. And with that, Flash breaks the one rule to not go the speed of light… he survives at the speed long enough to finish Wolverine and X-23, but he disintegrates himself to nothing, shortly after.

—

Let’s pause for a moment to question what Bat-Mite is up to… I have watched as he has explored the great dunes of Arrakis all the way until the shores of Pandora. He notices a lonely seaworm and wishes to befriend him. Unfortunately, the seaworm was looking for a meal and tried to eat Bat-Mite as he approached. Instead, Bat-Mite lashed out at this disrespect and killed the seaworm. In a state of frustration, Bat-Mite turns to the city to find other contestants.

—

Bat-Mite arrives in Brooklyn to see Starfire burning Leprechaun to death. He quickly avenges and crushes Starfire. Bat-Mite is losing more and more faith in people without the positive example Batman leads for Bat-Mite. That is until Samwise the Brave encounters Bat-Mite. Samwise Gamgee leads such a hopeful and positive life that Bat-mite is again happy and has his faith restored in the good that some people can do. Bat-mite wants to extend a peace offering, a truce, maybe even a true stop to the war between the Horsemen and Redskins… but all it took was the large stature of Darkseid to not see Samwise nor Bat-Mite when landing on the ground… he crushed them both under the weight of his feet.

With few survivors on either side left alive, the remaining tributes stand as this… Horsemen include Darkseid, Superboy, and Agent Smith, with Red Robin and Ron Weasely nowhere to be found. While the Redskins have Sinestro, Yoda, Yaddle, Even Piell, and Chuck Norris. Wait a minute… Dobby! He teleported out of nowhere to join his Redskin teammates. But… out of… nowhere… Dobby is the one that made the Weasley boy and boy wonder disappear! Agent Smith’s computations are able to come to the same conclusion, “What have you done with our teammates, servant?” And with perfect movie timing, Robin and Ron fall from the sky and splat to the ground. Dobby replies, “I am a free elf, and I apparated them into lower orbit for them to fall to their death.” Insulted, Agent Smith moves with cunning speed to grab Dobby by the throat and snap his neck.

As if the arena was, like the matrix, under control of Agent Smith, the sky grew dark and rain began to pour. Agent Smith then questions the reasoning as to why these laser sword wielders are so tiny. Before Yoda could even rebuttal, Even Piell flew into action against the well dressed villain… unfortunately, it was only to his own demise as Smith moved at incomprehensible speed. Although, Yoda moved at a speed unlike any other jedi and with the help of Yaddle was able to drive his tiny green lightsaber into the heart of Agent Smith, but not without finding a mark in his old friend, too.

All left to stand is two born of a red sun system against a Grand Master Jedi, a master of the spectrum, and the man himself, Chuck Norris. Through a great battle that illustrates all tributes’ highest strengths, Superboy falls to Yoda’s blade and Darkseid’s strength overpowers Yoda’s speed. As Darkseid reaches out and grabs hold of Sinestro with intent of burning a hole through the White Lantern’s head, the original yellow lantern uses the ring’s power to make a flurry of firework distractions. It is not enough to save his own life, but it provides Chuck Norris with the split second to send the Houslander blade deep into Darkseid’s head.

—

With that culmination, I must announce Chuck Norris to be– “Wait a moment, there is still another standing,” the old man says to me while grabbing my arm. “Where? I see no one else?” He responds, “Look…” as he points down to a deli shop on the corner…

Out comes a furious italian making very angry hand gestures. It’s the Italian Mobster, Emma Della Mora, who spots Chuck Norris amongst the rubble, wielding the Houslander Katana. She yells out to him, “You have no right to swing that katana! You are no Houslander!” Chuck Norris chuckles, “This sword obeys my will. I use it as I please.” And with that comment, he jumps high into the air and comes down with all his force, swinging the Houslander Katana down the middle of Emma… Emma makes no movement… but the katana misses Norris’ mark. Confused, he slashes the sword across her body… yet again the swing does not land on the unmoving italian. Now it is she who chuckles, “Like I said, it is not your right to wield the Houslander Katana, for you are not one.” She lifts her arm with an open hand, “I may not have Houslander blood in my veins, but make no mistake… I have EARNED my status.” And in a split second, the Houslander Katana flies to Emma’s open hand, and she connects the blade through Norris’ chest.

I turn to face the old man who has experienced this entire war with me. It is only now that I clearly see his face; slicked white hair, a matching mustache, and rounded glasses, “Stan… is that you?” He smiles yet again, “I liked the story, kid.” He then appears in the arena with the victorious Emma Della Mora, “Let’s get you home, kid.”