2024 NL Round 1: Washington Redskins vs Sigmaz

Cleveland Indians: Yoda w/ Dwarf Ring #4, Professor Charles Xavier, Sinestro w/ White Lantern Ring (final death), Larfleeze w/ Black and Orange Lantern Rings, Indigo-1, Munk, Saint Walker, Star Sapphire #1, Sodam Yat, Romat-Ru, Dex-Starr, Omega Supreme (final death), Power Girl, Scar and Black Lantern #9-10 and OA Guardian #1-2 in the Leviathan, Tommy Oliver: Green Ranger, Sando Aqua Monster, Namor the Sub-Mariner, Aspen Mathews, Allicon #3, Asajj Ventress in a Fury Class Interceptor, Star Wolf in a B-Wing, Zuko’s Dragon, Zam Wessel and Jedi Master #8 in the Ebon Hawk, Jedi Master #1 (final death) in a Y-Wing, Wolverine (final death)

Sugondese: Malcolm X w/ Vibranium Suit and Green Lightsaber, Barack Obama w/ Helicopter Helmet, Unabomber w/ Ironman Suit, Gurren Lagann w/ Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, Grand Moff Tarkin and Crew in the Executrix, Grand Inquisitor in the Xanadu Blood, 7th Sister and ID9 in a Naboo Starfighter, 8th Brother in Bistan’s U-Wing, Master Chief in an Arwing, Vorian Atreides and Seurat in the Dream Voyager, Edrik: Guild Navigator, Manford Torondo, Anari Idaho, Kratos, Atreus, Fenrir, Odin, Guts Berserk, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in the Megazord, TMNT w/ Glocks in the Turtle Wagon, Grimlock, Slag, Sludge, Snarl, Swoop, Scorponok, Lord Zarak, Link w/ Ancient Armor Set in Master Cycle, Daruk w/ Dusk Claymore, Urbosa, Mipha w/ Bubble Flower, Revali w/ Topaz Rod

It is I, the Doc, who has come to watch over this historic NL playoff match. None of the NL’s esteemed rosters were able to pull off a winning season with 5 of the 6 teams finishing at 4-5. I’m receiving word that #ALisBettaNoCap is now trending on Twitter. After some intense logistical calculations to determine which teams made the playoffs and which did not, it is the Central Michigan Chippewas who face the Skibidi Toilets. Regardless of their unorthodox reception of a playoff berth, each of these teams have full rosters with tricks hidden up their sleeves.

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This planet we arrive on is unlike any other due to its ability to forever change. The way it adapts and exchanges biomes almost instantaneously is bewildering to experience. Although, that is a poem for another time. For now, let our eyes gaze to the stars and look upon the arriving star destroyers and their corresponding reinforcements. It is the old republic era Leviathan who faces the empire’s mightiest, Executrix. In the command center of the Leviathan, Scar radios to the opposing ship, “Why does your comm signal show Sugondese?” Grand Moff Tarkin responds, “SUGONDESE NUTS!!!! OOOOOOOOO, GOT EM!!” This one burned so bad that the two Black Lanterns and OA Guardians were instantly vaporized to dust, leaving only Scar to command the colossal ship. Luckily, however, this interaction gave Ebon Hawk the required time to sneak into the hangar bay of Tarkin’s vessel in an attempt to pirate it from the inside. #SWGOHplayersgetit

Meanwhile, a clash of might falls upon the dark void of space. Connecting blows of punches and firing of lasers from the spaceships, lantern bearers, and mechs alike paint the sky with colors resembling fireworks that may even match Gandalf’s expertise. After hours of maneuvering, many of Sigmaz’s transformers have fallen (L bozo metal dudes), many ships float in ruin including each of the inquisitors (weak ass ‘sith’ imposters), and many of the B-class lantern bearers require their ring to find a new bearer. By this time, Ebon Hawk’s crew has pushed their way to the command center doors of the Executrix where Tarkin has realized the inevitable loss of the ship. He takes a page out of Holdo’s book and directs his jump to hyperspace directly at the Leviathan. Too bad, SWGOH rules apply and the Leviathan wins this battle by taking over with just enough time to actually send this ship through Gurren Lagann, instead. Scar takes victory over the opposing star destroyer, however, she was unfamiliar with Master Chief’s game as he had single handedly fought his way to the command center and was able to shoot Scar in the back of the head while taking the Leviathan for himself. That’s a classic snip snap snip snap move.

While giving time for Sinestro and Larfleeze to catch their breath, Omega Supreme’s big bodied slow ass finally makes an appearance in battle. He takes on two guys at once… ayo, bro who’s writing these words?... with both the Leviathan and Megazord attacking. For a minute, Omega Supreme is getting his ass handed to him, but then he finally remembers that he’s GOATED and bodies the feeble Power Rangers. With their death, Tommy Oliver saw no purpose in life anymore and killed himself. Now Omega Supreme had already taken a beating in which the Leviathan was able to send home a final shot to end the large metal foe. Although, enough time had passed for Sinestro to regain strength and end the star ship.

For the first battle, the Chicago Blackhawks take the victory.

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Now we dive deep into the planet whose form has taken that of an ocean world. Water could be considered the opposite of space, while at the same time it is quite similar in its vast floating emptiness. Unfortunately for the cousin roster of Sigmas, there was not much water influence for the Sigmaz team. Therefore, it is Scorponok and Lord Zarak who make their stance against the formidable Cleveland Indian water roster… this is in reference to the defunct NFL team rather than the renamed baseball team… who is headed by Namor.

Scorponok’s larger than normal transformer size accompanied by Zarak as his head is the main reason he is even semi-formidable against the Sando Aqua Monster. They are able to thrash through the puny Allicon and Aspen Mathews, but the bigger fish always wins. After the Sando Aqua Monster enjoys his metallic meal, he continues to stay and rest in the water while Namor regroups with his team.

The Florida State Seminoles take round two, as well.

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The mighty fantasy world makes another shift as large monstrous trees take form across widespread acreage. Now comes the time of the Sigmaz in which the team up of Dune, Greek mythology, and video games group together around a campfire.

Circling the skies, we can find Druk, loyal mount of the great Firelord Zuko and descendant of the firebending masters Ran and Shaw. Normally, Druk understands the balance of firebending and the need for restraint as to not cause unjust harm, but he knows the Kansas City Chiefs are mightily outnumbered. Therefore, his vibrant breath blows free across these wooded lands. As the trees burn down and the fire grows in strength, many lose their life to the fire including Link and his fellow breath of wilders, a weird looking guild navigator, a zealot for the Butlerian Jihad and his romance, and even a fellow Utah Utes member who strayed too far from the sea. #FireUndefeated. In response, Fenrir takes one large leap and sinks his teeth into the mighty remnant of the original firebending masters. Although, before the massive wolf falls to the ground, Powergirl zips through his chest.

Meanwhile, the father son combo and some dude named Guts… like this dude’s parents must have really hated him from the womb to be given a name like that… have been making a stealthy advance through the tree cover. It’s Atreus who makes the first move as he jumps at Powergirl in an attempt to slice through her, but Wolverine has smelled their approach and thrashes his claws through the kid’s body before he could even reach the god-like kryptonian. Kratos becomes enraged, of course, and lives up to the name of God-Killer as he bears down his hate on the last daughter of Krypton. He then pushes to the one who slayed his child, and even with all his might, Kratos is just another bub for Wolverine. After that is taken care of, Guts basically surrenders his life to Wolverine.

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Finally, the world senses this battle’s culmination to be near. Thus, a transformation into a city-scape takes place. Very few remain on either side, and Xavier tries to reason with all to come to a peaceful resolution, but Malcolm X was never one for peace. Unfortunately for Xavier, the arguments in their minds blocked the unabomber’s true intentions as he had placed many bombs across the city before snapping his own neck so that Xavier would not be able to extract the information. And in flawless timing, bombs go off and off and off all over the city causing the death of the mighty telepathic, Larfleeze, as well as Sigmaz’s own Obama.

After the culmination of the last bomb, Sinestro and Wolverine push against Malcolm X and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Meanwhile, the old gentlemen, Yoda and Odin, take a seat to watch this fight from afar. They remark on the battle and make small talk while Sinestro and Wolverine make use of their final death and slay the remains of Sigmaz. Understanding defeat, the ancient god unexpectedly stabs the Jedi Master with Gungnir. Although he stepped against Yoda, he accepts his death from Wolverine.