Week 6: Cowboy Killers vs 1992 Space Movie

 The Cowboy Killers are:

Galadriel w/ Inigo Lantern Ring, Darth Malgus w/ Red Lantern Ring, Ultron, The Deluxe Incecticons (Venom, Barrage, Chop Shop, and Ransack), Beast Wars Megatron, The Inhumans (Black Bolt, Lockjaw, Medusa, Karnak, Maximus, and Triton), Surtur, William Howard Taft w/ baseball bat, Vladimir Putin w/ Crysknife, and 12 orcs.

 

1992 Space Movie are:

Capt. N The Gamemaster w/ Duke and Gameboy, Wedge Antilles & Rowdy Roddy Piper w/ baseball bat in Wedge’s Snow Speeder,  Twincast w/ Decibal and Legout, Cybertronian Guardians #1-3, Cybertronian Guardians 4 & 5 (final lives), Skywarp, Tommy Oliver The Green Ranger w/ White Lantern Ring, Chuck Norris, Herbie the Elf, She-Ra and Swiftwind, Krypto, Bat-Mite w/ Dwarf Ring #6 (Final Life), Ch’p and Dr. Ub’x, Carnage w/ the ring of Volthoom, Cade Skywalker, Biggs Darklighter, Edwin Zacharski, Jerry Zacharski, John Zacharski, Walter Day, and Andrew Laidlaw in the Outlaw, Thundarr the Barbarian, Princess Ariel (not the mermaid), Ookla, Mok, Detective Lubic w/ 12 gauge pump shotgun, Seeker #13, and Sharkticon #10.

 

The race for the National League is heating up as these two teams step into the frigid air of Escanaba. It so cold that despite the hype for this NLCS rematch many of the teams’ members have resorted to contemplating their existence when met with the harsh realities of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.

 

“What is the point of this?” ponders Rowdy Roddy Piper as he sits around the fireplace in a remote cabin. “Why of all places are we in this freezing ass hell hole? Just to fight die, and repeat. There has to be more to life than this.”

Chuck Norris steps over to respond “I have lived and died here as well as the real world. Life is beautiful. The struggle is the purpose.”

“Wait, real life, what are you talking about?” Responds a baffled RRP when Bat-Mite walks over and hands him a pair of glasses.

“With these you can see who really controls you.” Says Bat-Mite before disappearing elsewhere to battle. The team gets the signal and RRP hops into the snow speeder with Wedge.

 

Meanwhile in Delta Masonic Lodge #195….

 

“What is that hunk of iron over there?” Taft inquires as he scrubs his back with a Loofah.

Pointing over to Beast Wars Megatron, Putin replies in his thick Russian accent “Sir, that is a robot. It is a conscious, highly intelligent advanced being.”

 

“Applesauce!” exclaims Taft as he rinses water over himself. “That appears to be a large weapon of destruction. You people from the future may think yourselves smart but that is a demon. Hand me my towel.”

 

Putin hands him his towel as Taft stands up from the bathtub, without difficulty.

 

“Listen commie, don’t be a nance, avert your gaze.” Taft dries himself off as he continues “Humans are conscious, they create. We have created everything around you that you see. We have survived and thrived in this treacherous climate we find ourselves in today. That requires consciousness, creativity.” He puts on his trousers.

 

“Lookie here.” As he picks up his baseball bat. “Look at the curves, then engineering, the love that went into crafting this. Babe Ruth himself hit 42 round trippers with this particular bat for the loveliest game that humanity has created. He named it Old Sam. Only a conscious being could create something so beautiful and name it. That thing over there. That is an overpowered abacus.” Taft buttons up his shirt.

With that Megatron transforms into a T-Rex, moves inches from Taft’s face, and lets out a loud roar. Taft is completely unfazed.

 

“Terrible Lizard and a demon! I had heard falsehoods of those in my day. I see that the future is keen on combining fairy tales.” He puts on his vest and hat. “This will do for our purposes”. With that he grabs Old Sam and climbs on the back of Megatron. “Time to see the elephant!” as he straightens out his mustache and rides off on Megatron, leading the Cowboy Killers into battle.

 

Both teams meet on the battlefield where things quickly become chaotic and confusing. The snow and wind are making it difficult to see precisely what is happening. Almost everyone has a look of misery on their face as they endure the extremely cold temperatures. I see what appears to be Capt. N firing his blaster while Duke and Krypto bite Galadriel’s legs. Gameboy’s screen appears frozen. Surtur appears to be struggling to even survive but his existence is making the temperature tolerable for everyone else. The orcs appear to be confused as some are fighting each other not realizing who they are and others are engaging Thundarr the Barbarian. I see Wedge circling around the Insecticons with his tow cable. While riding Megatron, Taft plays polo with the heads of Detective Lubic and Herbie the Elf.

 

The weather appear to calm momentarily as Cybertronian Guardians #4 & 5 make their Japanese creators proud as they kamikaze into the center of the action, creating a massive explosion and indiscriminately doing massive damage to both teams.

 

After some time Rowdy Roddy Piper lifts his head in the crashed snow speeder. He gets out and makes haste for his team’s cabin.

 

Taft picks himself up out of the snow, brushes off his shoulders and begins to assess the situation. He sees a man running in the distance.

“Man of metal, are you of any further use?”

Megatron responds “I still function” before transforming back into a T-Rex.

 

Back in the cabin where he has regrouped with Chuck Norris, Rowdy Roddy Piper puts the glasses on that were given to him by Bat-Mite.

“I can see it, we are being watched!”

 

Just then a T-Rex stomps through the roof of the cabin. It immediately chews Chuck Norris with its mighty jaw and swallows him. Taft climbs down from Megatron.

 

“President Taft! I need to show you something!” exclaims RRP. But Taft wastes no time slamming him with his bat.

 

“It’s Chief Justice Taft to you, ragamuffin!” as he hits him several more times.

 

RRP pulls out his bat and slams Taft on the back of his head knocking him to the ground. “Please, try these on” as he tries to put his glasses on Taft.

 

Taft regains his composure and slams RRP in the face with his bat. “I will never insult my face with the clothing of a peasant!”

He then swings repeatedly into RRP ribs and stomach.

“Come on you dewdropper, do you have any drive in you at all?”

RRP flails around for his bat, grabs it and manages to connect with Taft’s kneecap.

“What a weak sister, you can do better!” then RRP swings hard and takes out his other knee, bringing Taft to the floor.

 

“Mr Presid-I mean Chief Justice, please try these on!” as his swollen hands fumble trying to put the glasses on Taft, who resists and punches his throat causing RRP to gasp for air. This gives Taft a moment to compose himself. Standing again he grabs his bat, takes a few steps and begins winding up.

 

“I knew a softie like you would be no match for Old Sam!” as he inflicts great pain into RRP’s vertebrae.

 

“Old Sam? That is MY bat’s name, it used to belong to The Great Bambino himself!” RRP tries to hold up the bat as Taft knocks it out of his hands, followed by a pummeling of swings into his sides. Taft lowers his mouth towards RRP’s ear.

 

“I would normally have a few words for a man before I end his life. A tramp like you does not deserve niceties!” But before he can act RRP head butts him and rises to his feet. He picks up his bat and gives him a thwack on the hip followed by a blow to the chin and the back of his head.

 

RRP tosses down his bat and searches for the glasses. Taft is on his side barely conscious when he sees both blood stained bats on the ground. They appear to have identical autographs.

“Bunny! Your bat is a forgery!” but then he looks closer. The wood grain matches exactly.

 

“I’ll try the glasses” he says, intending to give himself some time to regroup. Taft stands up and gestures towards RRP that he will take the glasses and gives him a knuckle sandwich.

A violent exchange of fists ensues.

 

“C’mon you rube, is that all you can muster!” Taft taunts. RRP then feeds him a haymaker that knocks him back to the ground. RRP picks up the glasses and forces them onto Taft, who suddenly can see that he is being watched.

 

“Eureka! You sir are a solid citizen after all!”

 

Just then a hole blasts open in the side of Megatron, extinguishing his spark. A battered Chuck Norris emerges.

“I see the two of you have made an important discovery. Come with me, I have something to show you”.

Chuck then brings them to a far off place. It is a mysterious place with many rooms. They look around and see many rooms full of monitors. On the screens they see battles of what looks like many of the other members of the league. The monitors in one of the rooms looks very familiar, with dead bodies strewn all over the ground.

Then it clicks for Taft. “That’s where we fought earlier. I see the lodge, the cabin, the field where we fought!”

“Yes, this is the league HQ, where we make sure everything is running to plan. And now you know too much.” Chuck quips with barely a moment’s pause before he promotes them to their next lives with a singular round house kick.