Scar & Bob's TP & D vs. The Sigmaz

 

Scar & Bob’s TP & D is: Thor

The Sigmaz are: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Various Glocks, and five members of The Huzz

A distinct crack of thunder pounds the door of The Houslander Hood Home; ostentatious, but cordial. The door swings open, revealing a sunny and cloudless sky. Thor enters the living room. He eyes the stillness of the arena with a casual cautiousness, uncertain where his foe may be found. He regards the various nerd media and begins to reminisce on a particular decade:

“Ah, the years of nineteen and eighty. ‘Twas a strange time for Midgard indeed. Wars waged violently, and those waged passively through threat of mutual destruction. Discotheques booming with the sound of electric symphony, lit up in the very colors of the bifrost. Large hair and boots on small maidens. I remember it fondly, though the mystical snows from the land of Colombia do cloud my memory.”

As he browses, he comes across a set of familiar green faces mounted on the wall, each in a differently colored eyemask.

“Hark, the adolescent turtle ninjas! What jovial facemasks are these! Their valiant battles with The Shredder are stuff of true legend. Perhaps not as valiant as MY exploits, especially since they are four and I am but one very powerful God… but nonetheless, they were a force to be reckoned with. I wonder, how much hath Lord Houslander paid for such lifelike memorabilia? The scales are downright… Hm?”

It’s then that four green hands holding pistols come busting through the drywall in unison, the Turtles’ faces still frozen in cartoonish grins. Thor barely reacts in time to dodge the salvo of bullets that tear through the living room. The Turtles walk the remainder of their stocky frames through the wall to face Thor.

                “The 80’s were radical, dude, gnarly and tubular!” barks Mikey.

                “But you’re not a true 80’s kid” adds Donatello.

                “You were just an old man then, and you’re an even older man now” quips Raphael.

    “And we’re not gonna lose to a dusty old myth!” declares Leo, and the four leap into battle.

The ninja turtles pull their usual weapons, jumping from furniture and bouncing off walls as they begin their 4v1 melee against the startled Asgardian. Though he is caught off guard, he skillfully deflects each of them as they bound toward him.

“Jest not with me, upstart reptiles! My many years have not slowed me in the slightest – nay, they have brought experience and strength the likes of which are yet unknown to you!”

With confidence of purpose, Thor punctuates this point with a swift uppercut of Mjolnir into the jaw of the descending Donatello. The TMNT machinist is bloodlessly decapitated as his brain stem unplugs from his spinal column, and his body ragdolls into the corner of the room.

                “Oh my god, they killed Donny!” cries Michelangelo.

                “You bastard!” snarls Raphael.

                Leonardo gives a circling “round-up” hand signal, ordering: “Now, Mikey, do it!”

As Raph and Leo continue holding Thor off, Michelangelo dives out of the fray and runs through the kitchen to the bathroom door. The moment he opens it, five fine Huzzies come pouring out over each other, scrambling for footing. Thor brings the hammer down upon another victim, crushing Raphael this time.

“What trickery is this, mutants?! To bring mortal women into the- wait, I know these women!”

Without delay the Huzz is upon Thor, each one a woman he had bedded and left behind in his cocaine-crazed dance hall days. “Where did you go, baby?” “Why’d you never pay child support?” “Where’s the $16k you owe Slick Jimmy for our little party in Cabo?” Newly awash with true terror, Thor begins to club these clubbers from his past. With his guard broken, he feels two Glock barrels press against either underside of his occipital lobe, and the lights go out.