2026 NL Round 1 Playoffs

Cowboy Killers: John Stewart, Superman (FINAL DEATH), Martian Manhunter (FINAL DEATH), Starro, Cornelius Fudge, Hungarian Horntail, Chinese Fireball, Swedish Short-Snout, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger w/ Star Sapphire, Bellatrix Lestrange, Professor McGonagall, Ultron, Wiccan, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), Vulcan, Darwin, Mephisto, Surtur, Namor, Triton, Dorma, Namorita, Kyle Houslander Dunadan Ranger w/ the Omnitrix, Commander Ahsoka Tano, Darth Malgus w/ Red Lantern Ring, Cal Kestis, Sanworm #9A (FINAL DEATH)

Brock Sampson’s Murderflies: Naruto (FINAL DEATH), Ghazan, Amon, Pakku, Avatar Roku, The Vindicators (Vance Maximus, Crocubot, Million Ants, Alan Rails, Supernova, Noob-Noob), The Flash, Aquaman, Black Hand, Johnny Quick, Paul Muad’Dib, Alia Atreides, Alastar Moody, Gandalf the White, Peregrin “Pippen” Took, Adam Warlock, Colossus, Thor, Iron Man, Black Widow, Jean Grey, Iceman, Cyclops, Beast, Archangel, Loki, Trinity, Blastoise, Wartortle, Wigglytuff, Empoleon, Zygarde, Kirby, Scorpion

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The playoff planet, often portrayed with generic settings, holds a great history to many victors over the years. The landscape is notorious for hosting postseason titans, as well as in season week 5 rivalry matches. However, this playoff planet is a little different… it’s from dimension 676767, and one could describe it more as a puzzle piece planet, because that’s mudafuking Hogwarts right there…

Hogwarts Castle

“Good work, Noob-Noob” Professor McGonagall remarks as she passes by Noob-Noob sweeping up the Great Hall like the goodest janitor boy he is. 

Alan Rails walks up not long after, “Noob-Noob, why didn’t you attack her? She’s on the other team!”

"Because she appreciated me,” Noob-Noob responds, “better than any of you Vindicators ever treat me.” Noob-Noob proceeds to snap his broom in half and impale the ‘train summoner’ (whatever type of power that is).

Bellatrix Lestrange, who was already eating in the Great Hall, cares not for Noob-Noob’s newfound opposition for the Vindicators and casts Avada Kedavra against the janitor. Million Ants (no literally, he’s a man made up of a million ants) comes into the great hall next, and she casts another Avada Kedavra. On one hand, the killing curse worked… on the other hand, it killed just one of the million ants and Million Ants is essentially unfazed by the attack. They move quickly towards the dark wizard and disappear inside of her, only for moments later the million ants eat away the inside of her body and kill her from within. Cornelius Fudge witnessed the whole debacle from the throne of the Great Hall and is delusional in thinking Million Ants died with Belltrix. Unfortunately for him, Million Ants survives and returns to human shape leading to Fudge bellowing out, “He’s back!”

As Million Ants approaches Fudge, McGonagall steps in with Confringo to ignite Million Ants and is able to burn up all million ants including the queen ant at its center. Although, that somehow took a heavy psychological toll on Fudge as he is now rocking like a baby in the corner repeating, “He’s back, he’s back, he’s back, he’s back…”

Crocubot ends Fudge’s misery with some heat vision as he enters the Great Hall with the remaining Vindicators and Alastar Moody. McGonagall sees Moody is part of the opposition and starts nagging in bro’s ear about needing to be better yada yada and then WHAM, Supernova used telekinesis to smash the revered professor between two tables. “NOOOO!!” screams out Harry Potter, feeling deep sadness for the loss of someone he held very dear to his heart.

Hermione Granger, also grief stricken, feels an overwhelming surge of energy from within. Initially confused why this death is bringing her so much power, but she soon realizes it’s the love Harry and herself feel for McGonagall that powers up her Star Sapphire. She channels it into a blast strong enough to send the remaining Vindicators to their death. Harry looks up at Moody with a tear in his eye and casts Crucio, a spell that Moody himself taught Harry. It wasn’t long before Alastar begs for his own death.

Harry and Hermione remain in the Great Hall waiting to hear a call for reinforcements by their fellow Cowboy Killers. To relieve their stress, they light Pall Mall Light 100s (RIP grandma Gass).

Northern Water Temple (Agna Qel’a)

Like I said, this is an abnormal playoff planet… but we shall watch nonetheless.

“Good work, Iceman.” Aquaman notes as Iceman is building up the ice infrastructure of the Northern Water Temple. The exterior wall is built tall and thick enough that no boat would be able to enter this base before meeting their demise. Fortunately for the Cowboy Killers, their water team is able to enter from great depths of the water and breaks down a portion of the ice wall without being detected.

In the Great White Plaza, the courtyard outside the Spirit Oasis, Pakku and Amon spar as they await an attack. Blood bending is obviously prohibited for Amon in this practice session, but that matters not since Amon is a dawg and Pakku is an old sexist fart. Namorita must’ve been able to sense this because she flies out of the ice caverns and spears her fist through the back of Pakku’s torso.

Although, Pakku is able to squeak out in his last breath, “Blood… bend…”

A terrifying smile overcomes Amon’s face, thankfully hidden by his mask. He lifts his hands, and that’s enough as he is able to bend Namorita’s part-Atlantean and part-mutant blood. With great excitement Amon freezes her blood and shatters her. Before Namor, Triton, and Dorma can move in on Amon, he turns and bends their blood to hold them in place. He starts some BS monologue about who cares what, but naturally it gives Namor enough time to use his aquatic telepathy to persuade Tui and La (the moon and ocean spirits) to flail out of their pond. This immediately releases the Cowboy Killers from being blood bended, as water bending is now gone with the death of the moon and ocean spirits.

“Uhhh, let's talk abo–” the words are cut off as Neptune’s Trident sinks into the neck of Noatak (Amon), revered leader of the Equalists.

One thing Amon did right was signal the alarm during his monologue, so at least it wasn’t a total waste. Aquaman, Roku, Iceman, and various Pokemon arrive at the scene as Namor is removing the blood from his trident. Blastoise, Wartortle, and Empoleon are instantly entranced at the beauty of Lady Dorma. If you’re not familiar with Lady Dorma’s appearance, imagine what Frank’s dream girl might be (but missing tattoos) and you’re probably pretty close.

“Come, creatures.” (pause) Lady Dorma commands the three Pokemon. Thinking they’re in for something good, they approach, but to their dismay Lady Dorma smokes those fools. Iceman responds by turning Lady Dorma into an icicle. This wouldn’t necessarily harm her, but the fire blast from Roku shattering her into pieces definitely finished the job. 

Aquaman, wanting to do things his own way, tells Roku and Iceman to step aside and solos out Namor calling him, “False King. I rule the ocean, not you!”

While normally Aquaman probably would punish Namor in a 1v1, Triton don’t give a rat’s ass about ‘soloing’ and is right at Namor's side. They start hitting Aquaman with the combo-wombos weakening him until finally Iceman has seen enough and sends an ice shard into Namor’s back right before he stabs Aquaman with Neptune’s Trident. This puts him off balance for a second giving Aquaman the time to send the Trident of Neptune (wow Marvel vs DC, so creative to just rearrange the same words to make them ‘different’) through Namor’s chest. Aquaman stands to celebrate his ‘victory’ only for Triton to pick up Neptune’s Trident and return the favor to Aquaman.

Roku, unable to water bend, resorts to airbending a sphere around Triton and drying out his body until he asphyxiates and perishes. The Avatar and Iceman will now rest until Brock Sampson makes the call. They contemplate smoking cigarettes… if they only had some.

MF DOOM (I mean Dune)

Now I don’t actually mean Dune like the planet Arrakis, this is Sleeping Bear Dunes (GOAT spot btw).

“Familiar… but not the same.” Paul Muad’Dib whispers to his sister Alia as he runs his hands through the sands of Empire, Michigan.

“It means another world to conquer.” Alia chirps with notable excitement.

“I’ve had enough of my holy war, I’m only here to payout a favor I owe to Brock Sampson” Paul insists.

“What could Brock Sampson have possibly done for you that would constitute you owing him a favor?” Ghazan butts in.

“Not now, the enemy is close.” Muad’Dib ends the conversation.

“I know you’re there… on the other side of that dune. Come forth, I wish to see my prey before killing them” Surtur’s voice echoes across the dunes. “I am the conqueror of these lands, and you shall not take them from me today.”

“I literally just said I don’t want to conquer here.” Paul says as he comes into sight of the fire demon. “Is this bozo deaf or stupid?” Paul whispers over his shoulder to Alia.

Now in view, Surtur sits on a throne atop the tallest dune with two dragons, the Hungarian Horntail and Chinese Fireball, circling overhead and a sandworm circling the dunes. Refer to the below image generated by our friendly neighborhood AI…

“Ummm, boss… how are we supposed to take on that?” Ghazan quivers to Paul.

Zygarde isn’t as intimidated as he should be, because he slithers head on towards the sandworm only to be swallowed in about 0.5 seconds. The sandworm turns towards the remaining Murderflies, but Paul simply closes his eyes, “NO!” he commands and the sandworm turns away back towards Surtur.

Surtur confused, “How did you do that?? They listen to me!” He turns his attention to the dragons and commands them forward.

The Horntail strikes first, whipping his tail towards the group. It narrowly misses the Atriedes siblings, but strikes down Scorpion. The Fireball makes for the second attack but Ghazan bends the sand so that he grabs the tail when it slams down. Ghazan manages to hold down the dragon in place long enough for Paul and Alia to traverse the body of the dragon and deliver a crysknife to the throat. 

The Hungarian Horntail makes another strike, this time using its fire breath to scorch Alia before she could evade. Ghazan bends more sand, but this time balls it up and transforms it into a fiery lava that he hurtles towards the Horntail. He connects his strike, but only mildly injures the great beast.

Paul notices the sandworm approaching again, and focuses his efforts to turn away Shai Halud. Distracted by the great sandworm, he isn’t able to evade another dragon attack and the Hungarian Horntail swoops in grabbing Muad’Dib in its mouth, chewing him in half. Ghazan condenses a patch of sand into a sharp object that he is able to send through the underside of the Horntail, this time able to take it down. While successfully taking down two dragons, Ghazan does not survive his encounter with the sandworm as the ground beneath him rumbles and collapses into the mouth of Shai Halud.

Surtur commends the sandworm, “Good boy.” as the two of them hold reign over Sleeping Bear. Surtur proceeds to pull out and light the largest Camel cigarette I have ever seen.

Gargantua

Yup, that’s the black hole from Interstellar. Turns out this playoff planet is in its orbit.

“I… feel power… more than I ever have…” Superman remarks in confusion.

“It’s Gargantua, a supermassive black hole emitting yellow and blue spectrum radiation. It’s the blue that is giving you extra charge.” comments Martian Manhunter. “Still, be careful, these enemies carry quite a punch.”

Superman tests his new levels of power and flies straight to the man of steel armor and sends a punch through his chest. “I suppose my steel is stronger than his,” Superman scoffs.

Naruto is in his highest power form, too, Bayron Mode (whatever that is, hopefully the anime peeps understand that), “We’re not going to be able to take him down, focus on the others… QUICKLY!”

Black Hand takes on the fellow ring bearer, John Stewart. While John Stewart is tactical and disciplined, Black Hand cares not for even defending himself and focuses solely on draining the life from Stewart. Before the green lantern can mount a lethal attack, William Hand is successful in draining his life force, and the green lantern leaves Stewart’s dead hand darting across the universe to its next successor.

Simultaneously, Adam Warlock is brawling with Vulcan. However, they seem to hit a standoff as each of Vulcan’s energy blasts appear to charge up Warlock, and Adam’s energy blasts seem to have no effect on Vulcan. Seeing that Adam Warlock is absorbing Vulcan’s blasts, Vulcan holds back no more and decides to juice up the MCU man-baby more than he can handle until Warlock implodes from the energy. Naruto comes to Adam’s aid, however late, and is able to drain Gabriel Summers’ life force down until Thor sends a punch hard enough to send shivers down my spine.

Black Hand regroups with the duo, and takes the large Starro head on. The three Murderflies appear to inflict zero damage on the creature's tough exterior. Naruto, however, maximizing efficiency and speed realizes the soft nature of Starro’s eyeball, “THE EYE!! GO FOR THE EYE!”

You don’t have to tell Black Hand twice as he darts straight ahead. Right before he reaches his mark, Starro smacks the shite out of Black Hand so hard that his ring cracks in half, and the undead herald dies. Thor trails close behind, dodges the attack and finds his mark with Mjolnir and lightning putting the great creature to rest.

Superman has supercharged in the radiation of Gargantua long enough to a power level he has not experienced before. Unfortunately for the two remaining space Murderflies, they stand no chance. Clark heat visions the pair and one punches each of them to their respective afterlifes.

The Justice League duo, Clark Kent and J’onn J’onzz, bathe in Gargantua’s rays smoking Marlboro Reds until their presence is called upon.

Endor

That’s right, this playoff planet also has Endor for its moon.

Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, takes charge of the Cowboy Killers atop the Swedish Short-Snout. “Stay put. I’m going to scout ahead above the tree line.” Kyle commands Commander Ahsoka Tano (GOAT), Darth Malgus, and Cal Kestis.

Archangel makes a similar remark to his fellow comrades Gandalf the White, Pippen, Black Widow, Beast, and Johnny Quick.

Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, quickly crosses paths with Archangel in the sky and an epic battle between mutant and veteran dragon riding (pause) Ranger ensues. Archangel starts sending razor sharp wing blades toward the Swedish Short-Snout and its rider. They dodge and weave effectively while also sending fire breath back towards the mutant, but Archangel is too quick for the large beast.

It’s an epic dog fight until the speed and agility of Archangel outlasts Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, and his ride atop the Swedish Short-Snout. The wing blades of Archangel find its home in the belly of a great green giant of a dragon. Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, appears to be falling to his death alongside the Swedish Short-Snout, but a twist and a smack of his watch and he turns into Alien X. The species Celestialsapien is where the powers of Alien X come from, and it provides Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, with more than enough power to stop his fall and create a mini black hole that engulfs Archangel.

Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as Alien X, returns below the tree line to his fellow teammates only to see that neither Cowboy Killers nor the Murderflies listened to their respective scouts. Both teams advanced on each other and had a full on battle. Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as Alien X, looks around and sees all are slain except Gandalf the White who looks rather tired. Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as Alien X, knows what he must do, but the Kyle Houslander in him is fighting with the Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as Alien X, part of him because he loves Gandalf… but ultimately, Alien X takes over, finishes the job, and transforms back into Kyle Houslander form.

I might’ve even seen a tear shed from Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as he sits alone on the moon of Endor. He lights a Newport to try and make him feel better. Would’ve been Marlboro Red but he doesn’t feel he deserves it after what he just did to his beloved Gandalf.

Central City

Where else would this playoff planet want to finish off this match, but in the GOATed CW version of Central City (CW is only good with the Flash and the Arrow, the rest is steaming hot excrement).

Mawwage is what bwings us together toda- uhh I mean, battle… battle is what brings us to this final set where the remaining members of each team have gathered. Naturally, the Flash is zooming around the city going faster than any other character in existence, which provides us with the opportunity to see from his point of view multiple fights happen within seconds of each other all around the city. So in Flash style, we’ll speedrun this:

• Looking up, we see Superman bathing in the sky, soaking up Gargantua’s radiation.

• Traversing the large city buildings, Sandworm #9A is chasing down Wigglytuff and Kirby. I fear neither are going to escape Shai Halud.

• Wiccan, Mephisto, and Martian Manhunter stand opposite of Jean Grey and Loki in what must be an epic battle of the minds. For us, however, it's 4 dudes and a chick fent leaning in the street… let’s just come back to this one.

• On the other hand, Ghost Rider and Trinity aren’t even fighting. Instead it’s possibly the coolest biker duo in history cruising around Central City. Trinity is really putting the leather in Trash Pandas.

• Moving on, there is an epic 3v3 going on between metal men (Ultron v Colossus), an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object (Cyclops v Darwin), and hot v cold (Surtur v Iceman). While Colossus gets his shit stepped in, it’s made up for by his teammates who find out Darwin isn’t that immovable after all and Surtur turning into an icicle (don’t come at me for Iceman beating Surtur, Iceman goated omega level mutant).

• Traveling down the interstate, we can see Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix offering himself to Avatar Roku. Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix finds himself unable to strike down another hero of his, for he feels great remorse for his actions against Gandalf. Avatar Roku simply grants his wish and earth bends a rock through the heart of Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix. Harry James Potter and Hermione Jean Granger, again, let this loss fuel the Star Sapphire ring in her possession. This time however, it’s Avatar Roku we’re talking about and the Avatar state aint no joke (I think I double negatived there) and Ro absolutely smokes those two fools before their magic could do any harm.

Okay, I can’t keep up with the Flash anymore, that boi too quick for me. Focusing back onto the fights in real time… that’s weird… Wiccan and Mephisto have fallen to the ground with apparent neck injuries, alongside Ghost Rider who was pushed offline into crashing himself and Trinity into the side of Sandworm #9. I’m not too sure what caused these quick deaths, but looking at Martian Manhunter a flash of red flies by him dealing no harm for J’onn was phasing. It’s obvious now that the Flash is the one wreaking havoc across Central City. J’onn is struggling to fight off Jean Grey and Loki in his mind while also phasing out of reach of the Flash. On top of that, he calls to the mind of Clark Kent to join the fight.

Meanwhile, Avatar Roku and Iceman try to take out Shai Halud. Knowing it thrives in the desert heat, Iceman just starts peppering #9A with ice blasts while Avatar Roku keeps water bending at the great beast. Fortunately for them, they have the right abilities to take down a sandworm. Ultron moves to counter attack against the duo…

Superman’s eyes open, staring at the beauty of Gargantua, feeling fueled beyond necessary. He starts shooting laser beams from his eyes down onto the city, attempting to target the spread out Murderflies. Cyclops tries sending beams back towards the kryptonian, but in this state, Kent’s heat vision overpowers Cyclops to the point of melting his brain. Jean Grey senses her main piece (whom she cheats on numerous times) perish and J’onn J’onzz takes advantage of her faltering by focusing heavily on Loki and forcing his mind to take his own life. However, Jean Grey releases her sadness into a concussive blast big enough to take down two city blocks. Whoever was about to win the fight between Ultron v Roku and Iceman will never know because all three of them just disintegrated.

“ENOUGH!” an echoing boom of a voice sounds from Superman in the skies, followed by  SWOOSH and Superman now stands behind Jean Grey. Seconds later, her body crumbles to the ground as Clark had separated her in half with unbelievable speed if you weren’t the Flash. However, the Flash did see what happened and realizes this guy needs to be taken down STAT. Barry Allen starts punching Superman in every direction, faster than Kent can keep up with. It seems to be annoying Superman more than inflicting real damage. Nonetheless, Superman can’t seem to catch the fastest man alive.

“J’onn… run…” Superman squeaks out in distress to his long time friend.

“What do you mean, Clark?” J’onn responds confused.

“RUN!!” Clark screams to the Martian Manhunter. A third time J’onn J’onzz did not need, as he flies away as quickly as possible, returning to space.

Flash is still peppering Superman from all sides, Clark unable to catch him… tries no longer. It appears the blue-shift hazard and chaotic accretion disks of Gargantua has overloaded the Kryptonian’s body and is undergoing cellular degradation. Clark tries releasing the energy overload, but instead it implodes his body creating a nuclear bomb sized explosion in the heart of Central City. Flash is fast enough to outrun such an explosion… but when he was standing only feet away from Superman, there was not enough time to get away…

J’onn J’onzz floats in the sky above, smoking a Lucky Strike, trying to relieve the pain of a ‘victory’ that contained so much loss…