I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 6 Match: Better Than All of You vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve.
I look into the locker room and see a ton of people. Amongst the crowd for Better Than All of You is: Thanos, Green Lantern, Mephisto, Agent Smith, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, The Terminator (from T-1), The Terminator (from T-2), Skeletor, Rambo, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, Lex Luthor, Beachhead, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, Gandalf the White, Grey Hulk, Abomination, Flash, Black Suit Spiderman, Batman (Jean Paul Valley), Batman Beyond, Yogurt, Lonestar and Barf, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Nick Fury, Baron Zemo, Ghost Rider (Jonny Blaze), Deathlok, Red Skull, Tombstone, Wolfsbane, Terry Funk, Reptile, Bishop, Sagat, David Dunn, Smoke, Mr. Mind, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazy P. Martini, Loki & Bartleby, Triple H, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Cobra Commander, RVD & Sabu, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith & The Dynamite Kid, The Blues Bros., Doc Holiday, Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, Megadeth, Dozer #6, Orcs #1-12, Ninja Pirates #3 and 4, Predators #1, and 3-13, Terminators #1-13, Army Soldiers #1-8, & N.S.-5s #1-12.
Lex Luthor: It is time that we show the Kennelz that they are but meager dogs!
Red Skull: Dogs that are not worthy of licking our boots! We are the superior race!
Cobra Commander (high pitched): Yessssss!
I then look into the locker room at Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve. The Kennelz are Ares, Mace Windu with Jedi Padawan #30, Galactus and Nova, Apollo, Hercules, Anakin Skywalker in an F-18, Ahsoka Tano, Green Lanterns #1-2 and 4-5, Jade, The Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal, and Lockjaw, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Jack Bauer on a Ducatti, Curtis Manning, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Gimli son of Gloin, Scorpnonok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Borath, (Beast Wars) Megatron, Lord Voldemort, Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrmm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Dr. Doomsday, The Matrix Twins, Peter Petrelli, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Quills, Big Barda, Fin Fang Foom, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, & Razorclaw, Sky Lynx, Nazgul #2 w/ Fell Beast, Blue Dragons #1-12, and Samurai #1-12.
Mace Windu: This will not be an easy battle - but it is a battle that we can win!
Jack Bauer: Our only objective is to win! Nothing else! Remember, the ends justify the means!
I teleport the teams to the battlefield.
Due to the sheer numbers of combatants, the Better Than Team decides to separate into battalions. The Kennelz, seeing the Better Than Team forming battalions, decides to form squads in response. They face off as follows:
Squad 1 against Battalion 3:
Squad 1:
Mace Windu leads Jedi Padawan #30, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Ahsoka Tano, Jade, Samurai #1-12, Gimli son of Gloin, and Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18.
Battalion 3:
Nick Fury leads Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Army Soldiers #1-8, Rambo, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and The Dynamite Kid, Lonestar and Barf, Ninja Pirates #3-4, N.S.5’s #1-12, Batman (Jean Paul Valley) and Beachhead.
Nick Fury and Mace Windu lead their teammates into battle. Anakin Skywalker flies his F-18 over the combatants. He lays down a sheet of fire with his plane’s Gatling gun. The bullets kill Army Soldiers #3-7. Ninja Pirates #3 and 4 finishes the job by severing the various appendages of Army Soldiers #1-2 and #8. The Ninja Pirates then rush at the Samurai #1-12, feeling confident that their skills will equally match their opponents. The battle is furious. Although Ninja Pirates #3 and #4 slice and dice through Samurai #1-4, remaining Samurai #5-12 kill Ninja Pirates #3 and 4. The N.S.5’s step into the fray. They combine their robotic forces to kill Samurai #5-7. Samurai #8-12 destroy N.S.5’s #3-6. The remaining robots finish off Samurai #8-12. Gimli of Gloin steps in and with his battle axe destroys N.S.5’s #1-2. Young Jedi Knights #1-10 wield their light sabers and slice through the remaining N.S.5’s #7-12. With advanced military weaponry and enhanced combat skills, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow and Rambo manage to kill all Young Jedi Knights #1-10. The British Bulldogs see Gimli. The wrestlers utilize their aristocratic prowess to “dwarf toss” Gimli into the blades of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Gimli is sliced into three small pieces. Jade takes revenge of her fallen comrades and strikes down both British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid. Batman (Jean Paul Valley) with his advanced weaponry and acrobatics dispatches Jade. Mace Windu, Jedi Padawan #30 and Ahsoka Tano storm the Battalion 3 team. With lightsabers swinging, the Jedi easily deflect the firepower of Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead. Once upon the masculine soldiers, the Jedi either decapitate or mortally wound all three. Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead die. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow attack the Jedi Padawan at the same time, believing he will be the most viable kill. They are correct. Although a mere Padawan, he manages to hold his own against the two warriors, but eventually succumbs to their overpowering fury. With Jedi Padawan #30 dead, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes focus on Ahsoka Tano. Seeing his own Padawan in trouble, Skywalker fires two heat seeking torpedoes into the duo. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes explode into G.I.Joe/Cobra bits. Mace Windu, as leader of his Squad, takes charge and finishes off Valley.
Lonestar (ignites his saber): I like the way you use that thing Windu! Let’s see how well. . .
Windu slices through Lonestar before he has time to finish his sentence.
Windu: Do you have anything to say?
Barf: Not really.
Windu: Didn’t think so. [Windu slices Barf in half].
Squad 2 against Battalion 4.
Squad 2:
Galactus leads Nova and the Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal and Lockjaw, and Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5.
Battalion 4:
Lex Luthor leads Thanos, Flash, Batman Beyond, Black Suit Spiderman, Deathlok, Reptile, The Terminator (T2), Wolfsbane, Bishop, Megadeth, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, and Mr. Mind.
Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5 combine their ring powers and smash The Terminator (T2).
Green Lantern #2: Don’t think you’ll be back from that!
Thanos uses his powers that manipulate energy and matter to kill Green Lanterns #1-2. Before Green Lanterns #4-5 can retaliate, Deathlok fires his weapon and kills Lantern #4. Black Suit Spiderman manages to shoot his webs and snags Lantern #5 by his left foot. Spiderman then brings him down on the ground, stunning the Lantern #5. Before the Lantern can cut the webs, Wolfsbane jumps him and tears him apart. The Cobra Crimson Guard Commanders Tomax and Xamot are met by Karnak. Karnak uses his ability to sense the weak point of Xamot, and with his martial arts’ skills, kills Xamot by striking him repeatedly next to his heart. Lockjaw comes upon the scene and the Inhuman dog crushes Tomax in his jaws. Thanos flies up to the Inhuman martial artist and dog and kills them. Thus, Karnak and Lockjaw are no more. Flash runs into the fray. Gorgon stomps the ground and creates a shockwave which knocks Flash down. Medusa uses her prehensile hair to capture the speedster and then strangle Flash to death. Batman Beyond is in a hand-to-hand combat match with Triton. After the two savage each other, they pull out their “toys.” Before Batman can use his utility belt, Triton skewers him.
Triton: Always wanted to make a Bat-Kabob.
Black Bolt opens his mouth and uses his destructive hypersonic voice to shred Thanos. Bishop then uses his futuristic weaponry and fires upon Crystal. Wolfsbane enters the fight and begins tearing at Crystal’s body. Crystal, although mortally wounded, manages to use her manipulation skills of air and smashes Bishop and Wolfsbane together with such force it kills the two combatants. Crystal then dies. Black Bolt, Gorgon and Triton combine forces and destroy Black Suit Spiderman and Deathlok. Reptile uses his Kombat powers to skewer Triton, just as Triton did to his teammate before. Mr. Mind uses his hypnotic powers of mind manipulation to have Black Bolt kill Medusa. Furious, Gorgon squishes Mr. Mind underneath his large feet.
Luthor and Megadeth are left standing. As Galactus and Nova begin to come for the death blow Megadeth begins to sing:
I am a sniper, Always hit the mark; Paid assassin,Working after dark.
Looking through the night, Using infra-red, My target’s on you; Aimed at your head. $10.000 up front, $10.000 when I'm through; And I know just what to do, And ya know I'll do it too.
Then I'm coming back for you; Back for you!
Galactus: You will come back for no one!
Nova uses her galactic powers to kill all members of Megadeth.
Galactus looks at Luthor and in an instant Luthor is destroyed.
Squad 3 against Battalion 1.
Squad 3:
Lord Voldemort leads Blue Dragons #1-12, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, Fin Fang Foom, The Matrix Twins, and Quills.
Battalion 1:
Gandalf the White leads Mephisto, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Orcs #1-12. Abomination, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), Grey Hulk, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Yogurt, Green Lantern, Doc Holiday, and Dozer #6.
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
Voldemort: I do not intend to pass. I intend to destroy you!
Voldemort and Gandalf are in the middle of a pitched battle of spells while the other combatants fight. Quills uses his quill projectiles to cut down Dozer #6. Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 easily dispatch with Jedi Guardians #1 and 2. Blue Dragons #1-12 use their lightning breaths to ignite the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Marshmallow Man’s skin sizzles and he eventually catches fire and explodes. The Marshmallow Man’s goopy body parts splatter over Orcs #1-12. The goop essentially traps the Tolkien warriors, who are unable to significantly move. The Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 use this to their advantage and cut through the Orcs #1-12 (although Dark Jedi Master #32 is a casualty of the fracas). Grey Hulk and Abomination combine their superior strengths and take on the Blue Dragons. The Marvel monsters manage to destroy Dragons #3-7. Meanwhile, Ghost Rider uses his demonic chain to strangle Blue Dragon #1 and Green Lantern uses his ring to destroy Blue Dragons #2 and #8. Grey Hulk and Abomination then destroy the remaining Blue Dragons #9-12. Unfortunately, Abomination dies from his wounds.
Doc Holiday: What’s going on Huckleberry?
Quills: Your death.
Before Quills is able to shoot his quills at the Western warrior, Doc Holiday guns him down like the vermin he is. The Matrix Twins use their powers to surround and kill Holiday.
Mephisto uses his magic manipulation ability and joins Gandalf in his fight to destroy Voldemort. The combined power of the two magic wielders is too much and Gandalf and Mephisto destroy Voldemort.
Fin Fang Foom screeches on the scene and destroys Yogurt and Ghost Rider, without much adieu. The remaining Battalion members: Grey Hulk, Green Lantern and Mephisto, Gandalf then destroy Fin Fang Foom. The Dark Jedi Masters #31 and 33-39 storm the Battalion, filled with rage and revenge. Although the Masters manage to kill Grey Hulk and Green Lantern, they are eventually all killed with only Gandalf and Mephisto remaining from the skirmish.
Squad 4 against Battalion 5.
Squad 4:
Dr. Doomsday leads Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules.
Battalion 5:
Cobra Commander leads Agent Smith, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner and Sleazy P. Martini, The Terminator (T1), and Ninja Pirates #3 and 4.
Dr. Doomsday: Commander. Surrender now and I promise that your deaths will be merciful. If you even attempt to fight . . .
Cobra Commander: Stop right there Dr. Doomsday! Don’t think we’re that stupid to lay down our arms! Fight we shall – onward to victory! And Doctor - time for your team’s medication – Better Than style!
The two teams run at each other. Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm and Twisted Mentat #1 take on Gwar. Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty and Oderus Urungus manage to destroy Mentat #1, with all of their combined “Gwarian” abilities. Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, easily dispatch with Jizmack da Gusha and Slymenstra Hymen. Big Barda joins the fray and with Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, manage to destroy Gwarmates: The Sexecutioner, Sleazy P. Martini, and Balsac the Jaws of Death. Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty take on Hrrm and manage to overpower the brute and eventually kill him. Annihilus uses his cosmic control rod and disintegrates Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty. Agent Smith warps reality and destroys Barbarossa. Ares, Apollo and Hercules then come on the scene and use their combined powers to pummel Agent Smith to death.
Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast swoops down on the combatants and destroys Ninja Pirate #3. Ninja Pirates #4 reacts to the death of his friend and, with perfect timing, jumps on the back of the Fell Beast. Although he knows that it will kill him too, he is willing to sacrifice himself for his comrades. The Pirate repeatedly stabs the Fell Beast. The Fell Beast, in its death throws, plummets to the grasslands below, killing itself, Nazgul #2 and the Ninja Pirates # 4.
Dr. Doomsday sees the Terminator and brutalizes the robot into pieces. Cobra Commander is the only battalion-mate left standing.
Dr. Doomsday: So much for my medicine!
Cobra: I will see you another day my doctor friend!
Dr. Doomsday: First, I’m no Doctor. Second, no you won’t.
Doomsday crushes Cobra Commander’s skull and throws his body in a heap amongst the others.
Squad 5 against Battalion 2.
Squad 5:
Megatron (Beast Wars) leads Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, and Razorclaw, and Sky Lynx.
Battalion 2:
Red Skull and Skeletor lead Baron Zemo, Tombstone, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze), Smoke, Predators #1, 3-13, Loki and Bartleby.
The Predacons immediately attack the Predators. The Predacons manage to destroy Predators #1 and 3-5. Before Predator 3 dies, he uses his nuclear device to destroy Rampage, Tantrum and Headstrong. Scorponok with Lord Zarak easily rip apart The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, with its claws. The remaining Predacons attack the Predators once again and kill them all. Mindwipe and Vorath hypnotize Baron Zemo and Tombstone to act as carefree flower children and free spirits. They two come into the path of the remaining Predacons Divebomb and Razorclaw.
Zemo: Hey man, what do you say?
Tombstone: Peace and love guys. Peace and love.
Divebomb and Razorclaw rip apart the hypnotized combatants. Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze) manages to destroy Divebomb, but is then taken out by Sky Lynx. Smoke attempts to use his powers on Sky Lynx and is struck down by Skeletor’s sword. Loki and Bartleby use their angelic powers to destroy Razorclaw. Sky Lynx uses his Transformer weaponry to shred Loki and Bartleby’s wings apart. Megatron uses this to his advantage and destroys the seraphs.
Red Skull and Skeletor are left, knowing their deaths are imminent. They rush at the Squad and are riddled and shredded apart by the weaponry of Megatron, Scorponok and Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath and Sky Lynx.
Squad 6 against Battalion 6.
Squad 6:
Jack Bauer (on a Ducati) leads Curtis Manning, Peter Petrelli, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES.
Battalion 6:
Hulk Hogan leads Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk, The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, The Blues Brothers, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Terminators #1-13, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu, and Sagat.
Hulk Hogan leads his wrestling teammates into battle. Hulk Hogan is joined by the Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk and The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard against The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull). Michael Vick (having pumped himself up while in jail) manages to snap the neck of Arn Anderson. Ole Anderson and Rick Flair, infuriated at the death of Arn, attack Vick at the same time. Between Ric Flair’s atomic drop and Ole Anderson’s chokeslam, Vick goes down for the count – forever. Brandon Inge, although a scrappy “Tiger” with heart, is no match for the skills of Terry Funk. Funk uses a spinning bulldog to finish Inge. Dexter the Dog rushes at Tully Blanchard and tears apart Blanchard’s groin with its teeth. Blanchard bleeds out and dies. Seeing that the dog is in a frenzy, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock come to the aid of their teammates. After they surround the dog, it is only a matter of minutes before they subdue Dexter and break its neck.
Macho Man (sees Oblak waiting for his turn to face the wrestlers): Come on! [Oblak rushes at Macho Man]. Oh yeah!!!! [Macho Man easily stops Oblak]. Snack into a slim jim, b@$ch! [Macho Man uses a Michinoko driver to finish Oblak].
Bauer, on his Ducati, skids his bike through the wrestlers, while firing his guns at the same time. The force of the bike striking the men manages to crush Ole Anderson. Curtis Manning, right behind Bauer, begins repeatedly unloading his guns into the wrestlers. Bauer and Manning kill Terry Funk, Ric Flair and Triple H. Peter Petrelli, invisible (using the leeched abilities of previous “heroes”) sneaks up from behind and kills Macho Man. Petrelli then uses another ability to “push” Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock to fight and subsequently kill their own teammates, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu. While distracted, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES kill Hogan, Austin and The Rock. While focusing on the “pushees”, Petrelli does not notice Sagat come from behind. Sagat snaps Petrelli’s neck. Bauer and Manning then unload their weapons on Sagat and kill him.
A fevered battle takes place between Terminators #1-13 and Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES. Uncle Sam is extremely powerful due to his Squad’s patriotism and manages to destroy Terminators #1-3 by himself. Citizen Steel manages to destroy Terminators #4 and 5, but is eventually subdued and killed by Terminator #9. The Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES take out Terminators #10-12, but are also eventually killed by the Terminators. Uncle Sam then kills the remaining Terminators #6-9.
The Blues Brothers see all of the carnage and decide to run. Bauer and Manning stop them.
Bauer: Where are your other teammates?
Elwood Blues: What are you talking about man?
Bauer: You know exactly what I’m talking about! Where is the meeting point for your team?!?
Elwood: I don’t know.
Bauer (signals Curtis Manning who shoots Jake in the head): Last chance!
Elwood: Die you pig scum!
Bauer shoots Elwood: Take us to the others (says to Uncle Sam who flies Bauer and Manning away).
Those left from the carnage arrive at the final battle site:
Better Than: Gandalf and Mephisto
Kennelz: Mace Windu Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18, Galactus, Nova, Black Bolt, Gorgon, Dr. Doomsday, Ajax, Annihilus, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules, Megatron (Beast Wars), Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, Sky Lynx, Jack Bauer, Curtis Manning and Uncle Sam.
The fight lasts only seconds as the superior force devastates the remaining Better Than duo.
MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE IS VICTORIOUS!!!!!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
¡Léalo o arrancaré la garganta!*
*translation: Read it or I'll Tear Out Your Throat!
The Easter Classic Is Almost Here!!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Le' Napoleon Brigade Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies
Le’ Napoleon Brigade is John McLain, Obi Wan Kenobi, Wonder Woman, Poison Ivy, Morpheus, Skyfire, Alan Scott, Jules Winfield & Vincent Vega, Man at Arms & Teela, Allia Atreides, Duncan Idaho Kwisatz Haderach Ghola #12, Jedi Knight #1-15, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Jedi Master #31-40, Daniel Rousseau, Robin Hood, Little John, Arwen Evenstar, John Locke, Silver Dragon #3-15, Horse #26-37, Vito Corleone, Santino Corleone, Even Piel, Master Jedi Leia Organa, Yoda’s Spirit, Anakin Solo, Coleman Trebor, Squeeze Play & Locos, Lara Croft, Abraham Van Helsing, Wonder Boy & Young Nasty Man, Pee Wee Herman, Pterry, Conky, Giada De Laurentis, Batgirl, Guy Gardner (w/ Yellow Ring), Power Girl, Red Devil, Sonja Blade, The Jolly Green Giant, Sprout, The Farmer, Army Soldier #101-130, Velociraptor #31-50, Catwoman, Hecate, & Napoleon Bonaparte.
Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderlies are Aunt May.
As the Brigade forms up Wonder Woman looks to her team and says “Alright guys, this is gonna be a big one. Napoleon is right here with us and remember: most importantly, this one is for Wonder Girl”! John Mclain then looks over to Wonder Woman and says “Hey Diana, where the hell is the other team, and who the F*&k is that old broad walking up”? Aragorn nudges Morpheus and says “Is it just that old woman, I’m not killing an old woman”. “Shit B*&^h even I ain’t killing no old woman” Jules Winfield adds. Not that they need to because approximately 0.376 seconds later Aunt May dies of a heart attack after witnessing the sheer size of The Brigade’s Team. Napoleon stands before his team and says “Victory is ours”. “Who were we supposed to be playing anyway” Pterry asks of Conky. “The the the the Murderflies t-t-t-ta Pterry” Conky responds. “What is it they are murdering, self-respect”? Pee Wee says sarcastically. Which prompts Sprout to turn to Catwoman and say “Does this mean we get to go home now”? “Fine by me” Giada says to Batgirl and Red Devil. The whole team then starts to walk back where they came from when Wonder Woman says “OOOOOHHHH NO! F**k that! I already have a reputation for retreating; and like I said before, this match is for Wonder Girl. This is an insult, throwing one old lady at us for the biggest match of the year. I WANT BLOOD! I say we storm their headquarters and make them pay. Nobody insults The Brigade like this”! Napoleon then says “Now Wonder Woman, as Head Coach I can’t allow that to happen”. “Why the F**k not”? John Mclain asks. Napoleon then looks like he thinks about it for second and then answers “Ummm, you know I don’t know. Ahhh Hell, lets do it”. Le’ Napoleon Brigade then storms an unprompted sneak attack on the Headquarters of Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies. Hecate first levels the entire place with her entire arsenal of Atomics, while the entire team takes pot shots at all of the scared Murderflies running for their lives from the pillaging Brigade. Wonder Woman was even heard screaming and laughing maniacally saying something along the lines of “Yeah, don’t shoot em to fast, let em burn”. It was all Allia Atreides could do to keep her team from opening up the enormous Sandworm Penn. The Watchers eventually had to come down and teleport The Brigade back to their headquarters, but in true Watcher fashion by the time we interfered it was far too late. In the end, only The Murderflies coaches, their 3 green lanterns, 13 sandworms, Ewok #4 & 5, The Scooby Gang, Dorf, and General Popeil were able to escape the carnage. And carnage it truly was I must say, after witnessing this horrible atrocity: the smell of death in the once arid mélange coated air, so much blood that not even all the dead ewok carcasses can soak it up, and the sheer memory of The Brigade’s rage and lust for the blood of those they feel wronged them. The only comment that can even comes to mind is: "Aunt May was the lucky one".
LE’ NAPOLEON BRIGADE IS VICTORIOUS!
Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderlies are Aunt May.
As the Brigade forms up Wonder Woman looks to her team and says “Alright guys, this is gonna be a big one. Napoleon is right here with us and remember: most importantly, this one is for Wonder Girl”! John Mclain then looks over to Wonder Woman and says “Hey Diana, where the hell is the other team, and who the F*&k is that old broad walking up”? Aragorn nudges Morpheus and says “Is it just that old woman, I’m not killing an old woman”. “Shit B*&^h even I ain’t killing no old woman” Jules Winfield adds. Not that they need to because approximately 0.376 seconds later Aunt May dies of a heart attack after witnessing the sheer size of The Brigade’s Team. Napoleon stands before his team and says “Victory is ours”. “Who were we supposed to be playing anyway” Pterry asks of Conky. “The the the the Murderflies t-t-t-ta Pterry” Conky responds. “What is it they are murdering, self-respect”? Pee Wee says sarcastically. Which prompts Sprout to turn to Catwoman and say “Does this mean we get to go home now”? “Fine by me” Giada says to Batgirl and Red Devil. The whole team then starts to walk back where they came from when Wonder Woman says “OOOOOHHHH NO! F**k that! I already have a reputation for retreating; and like I said before, this match is for Wonder Girl. This is an insult, throwing one old lady at us for the biggest match of the year. I WANT BLOOD! I say we storm their headquarters and make them pay. Nobody insults The Brigade like this”! Napoleon then says “Now Wonder Woman, as Head Coach I can’t allow that to happen”. “Why the F**k not”? John Mclain asks. Napoleon then looks like he thinks about it for second and then answers “Ummm, you know I don’t know. Ahhh Hell, lets do it”. Le’ Napoleon Brigade then storms an unprompted sneak attack on the Headquarters of Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies. Hecate first levels the entire place with her entire arsenal of Atomics, while the entire team takes pot shots at all of the scared Murderflies running for their lives from the pillaging Brigade. Wonder Woman was even heard screaming and laughing maniacally saying something along the lines of “Yeah, don’t shoot em to fast, let em burn”. It was all Allia Atreides could do to keep her team from opening up the enormous Sandworm Penn. The Watchers eventually had to come down and teleport The Brigade back to their headquarters, but in true Watcher fashion by the time we interfered it was far too late. In the end, only The Murderflies coaches, their 3 green lanterns, 13 sandworms, Ewok #4 & 5, The Scooby Gang, Dorf, and General Popeil were able to escape the carnage. And carnage it truly was I must say, after witnessing this horrible atrocity: the smell of death in the once arid mélange coated air, so much blood that not even all the dead ewok carcasses can soak it up, and the sheer memory of The Brigade’s rage and lust for the blood of those they feel wronged them. The only comment that can even comes to mind is: "Aunt May was the lucky one".
LE’ NAPOLEON BRIGADE IS VICTORIOUS!
The Syracuse Valley Vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos
The Syracuse Valley is Mcgruff the Crime Dog, Agamemnon & Menelaus, Star Fox in an Arwing, Master Chief on a 4 Wheeler, Dash Rendar & Leebo in an AT-ST, Darth Maul, Darth Rave, Omega Red, Soundwave w/ Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, Ratbat, Overkill, Slugfest, (movie) Frenzy, Squawk Talk, & Beast Box, Casey Jones, Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael, Splinter, Nightcrawler, Nocturne, Baby Nightcrawler, Venom, Zit, Rash, Pimple, Sonic the Hedgehog, Tails, Knuckles, Bossk, Xenomorph #91-100, Balrog #5, (movie) Megatron, (movie) Starscream, (movie) Jazz, Raiden, Kid Thunder, Mr. Game & Watch, Shang Tsung, Wonder Boy, Rayne, Wald, Beavis, Butthead, Buttchunk, Guille, Sockpin, Doogle, Rob Bartlett, Wingnut, Screwloose, Crasher, Jedi Guardian #3, Jedi Padawan #37, Scooter, Hammer Bros. #2-10, Boomerang Bros. #1-10, Fire Bros. #2-10, Giant Hammer Bros. #1-10, Kree Soldier #1-50, Navy Sailor #60-99, Moritani Soldier #1-15, Little Goomba #3-63, Sam Malone, Frank the Tank, The Dude from Quackers, Gordon Barbo, Bran, Glass Joe, Jonny Cage, Jax, Kid Chameleon, Game Boy, Wart, Mappy, Pitfall Harry, Jimmy Lee, King Hippo, Egg Plant Wizard, Homer Simpson, Black Lightning, & Ludwig Von Koopa.
The Commandos are Dave Bowman: The Starchild, General Grevious, The Colonial Marines: Apone, Hicks, Gorman, Bishop 341-B, Ferro, Dietrich, Hudson, Spunkmeyer, Drake, Frost, Crowe, & Wierbowski, Ellen Ripley, Agamemnon & Juno, Xerxes, Dante, Tllaloc, Octane, Tracks, Rodimus Prime, (movie) Blackout, Smokescreen, Venom, Ransack, Barrage, Chop Shop, Vindicator, Dr. Doom, Frank Poole, HAL 9000, Angel, Warf, Bizarro Superman, Black Adam, Paralax, Ben Kenobi, Astro-droid #19, Nightmare, Ms. Marvel, Maxima, Mary Marvel, Erasmus, Luminara Unduli, Barress Offee, Dozer #1, Iorek Birnenson, Kaja Sinis, Luna Lovegood, Dr. Fate, Darth Binks, Hanibal King, Lady Deathstrike, Ginny Weasaly, The Pretenders: Captain Latin America, Cannon Man, Bottomless Stomach & Kid Nee, Ardeth Bay, Seraphina Peckala & her daemon, Mulder & Scully, The Human Bomb, Kendra Young, Nicole Des Jardins Wakefield, Hannah Montana & Rachel Ray in the Batmobile, Ahmed Best, Lyra Belaqua w/ Pan, Will Parry w/ Kirjava, Buffy Summers, Spider Man, Leon, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Jack Crowe, Rick Deckard, T-3, Shawn Ferrel, V, Riggs & Murtaugh, Dr. Grant & Ellie Sattler in a Land Speeder, Eowyn, Willow Rosenburg, Lazarus Long in an F-22, Xavier Harkonen, Judah Ben Hur, Tarful, Bail Organa, Sydney Pouttier, John Turner, Brangelina w/ Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara, Vivian, & Knox in a Ferrari 456 GT, Azeem, Starship Trooper #100, IG-88, Zam Wessell, The Herculoids: Zandar, Tarra, Dorno, Zok, Igoo, Tundro, Gloop, & Gleep, Venus & Serena Williams, Dora the Explorer, Boots, Backpack, The Map, Vorian Atreides, Prof. Henry Jones Sr., Acklay #1, Chow Yun Fat, Huma Dragonbane w/ his Red Dragon, Black Dragon #15, Original Human Torch, Blue Beetle, Bashar Miles Teg, Muhammed Ali, James Baldwin, Cole Sear, Jen Linley, & Red Dragon #1.
Jen Linley has a heart attack and dies, but it is O.K. because she has like 12 soul mates. As the 2 teams form up Darth Rave walks up to the Sith Lord that has instructed him his entire career and begins saying “My master, I understand that this may be our final battle together, so I”, but Darth Maul starts force choking his apprentice before he can finish. “Don’t get soft on me now Lord Rave, if this day should be my last than you should be thankful. Your rising above me could happen no other way”. “Lord Maul, Release him, we will be in need of his talents”! Star Fox yells to Darth Maul as he is getting in his Arwing. “Of course”. Darth Maul says as he releases his dark apprentice. Despite their different methods Star Fox and Darth Maul have formed a relationship based on respect that one would almost call a friendship. The dedication that the 2 warriors have to the art of The Sith and to the art of piloting has its similarities and the two of them cannot help but admire each other. Before the Syracuse Valley begins their charge on the well fortified force of the Commandos, Head Coach Mcgruff the Crime Dog stands up before them to say a few inspirational words. They are “Let’s take a bite out of The Commandos”. After this less than creative pep talk Assistant Coaches Menelaus and Agamemnon wave for Master Chief to say a few words before they begin. Maser Chief rides his 4 Wheeler up to the front of the pack and then stands up on the seat. He says: “Members of The Syracuse Valley, I am not great with words and will not beat around the bush, we all know that this has been a rough road to get here. Our victories have been few and far between and we have already seen too many of our friends go to the graveyard this year already. For many of us; ……. Including myself; this very well could be our last battle, and in this battle we will be up against insurmountable odds. According to many outsiders we have little to no chance of defeating the N.L. powerhouse that we are about to go up against, but that is talk that I for one, refuse to listen to. I have but no choice to believe in this team and our ability to defeat any team that attacks us. There is no doubt that if we were to lose this Death Match, that it would decimate our team in a way that no other FFL franchise has ever been decimated, but: if one way tickets to hell are our fate, THAN THE VALLEY SHALL SHOW THEM A TASTE OF HELL ON EARTH BEFORE WE GO”!!! Master Chief pumps his rifle into the air as he finishes his speech which is met by thunderous applause from his team. Master Chief then jumps back on his 4 Wheeler and starts riding in fast toward The Commandos knowing that it is going to take more than a pep rally to defeat the team he is about to attack. Mcgruff and the Assistant coaches attempt to run into battle first to rally the team but Seraphina Peckala jumps out of nowhere with her bow and arrow. She shoots Menelaus in the neck with an arrow and then catches Head Coach Mcgruff in the chest but Agamemnon hits Seraphina’s winged daemon with his sword which finishes them both off. Venom and Spider Man start squaring off with each other right away but we will come back to that while Megatron transforms into his Cybertronian jet form racing into the heart of The Commandos defensive line. The Decepticon leader transforms back into robot form, but is met by Black Adam and Mary Marvel. Megatron, though powerful underestimates the 2 worthless little rotting bags of flesh and does not see it coming as the 2 of them blast thru his chest and then rip out his moving parts with an intense ferocity, and at an amazing speed, leaving the great Megatron nothing but a pile of spare parts. All 50 Kree Soldiers form ranks to begin an offensive when Dr. Doom sees the moment he has been waiting for. He grabs a hold of his own teammate, The Human Bomb and throws him into the area where The Kree have gathered. The Kree form a circle around him, as if they are unsure what to do when, Dr. Doom, now a safe distance away targets his own teammate with some of his armor’s magic. The Human Bomb then blows up, but takes all 50 Kree Soldiers with him. Nobody on either team even attempts to interfere with the dog fight between Lazarus Long and Starscream. The F-22 that is being flown by Long and The Decepticon are nearly identical, and even though Starscream is occasionally transforming back and forth to his robot form, the 2 of them are spinning around each other so rapidly that any bystander would confuse them instantly. Starscream flies in front of Lazarus and transforms trying to blast him with his arm guns but Lazarus Long takes evasive action. The ageless Methuselah smiles to himself as he goes in to a tailspin and says “Ahhh, it’s good to be back in a real plane, I ain’t flown one of these bad boys, since I was 90”. Lazarus then ducks his plane underneath the legs of Starscream and swings back around with a missile at the ready. Lazarus then blasts Starscream in the chest with a perfectly placed missile and extinguishes his spark. The 10 Xenomorphs surround Vindicator and quickly rip apart The Alpha Fighters metal coverings, but they are met by a much more powerful opponent as The Commandos 5 Titan-Cymeks approach them. “These creatures seem slightly advanced over the humans, which we are used to stomping” Tllaloc says to his peers. “more advanced physically than the hethrigir perhaps but still nothing compared to both our intellect and ability” Agamemnon replies. But the 10 Xenomorphs work together and begin attacking Xerxes. They jump onto the Titan and start clawing and biting at the Cymek. “Only a fool like Xerxes would allow himself to be taken in a way like this”. Agamemnon says. Agamemnon then orders all of the Cymeks to take aim at the Xenomorphs on top of Xerxes. Xerxes probably would have survived the attack if the acid blood of the Xenomorphs did not eat right thru him but then Agamemnon would not have gotten his added bonus. Agamemnon the Titan then is drawn to one of the Hethrigir on the field, when he sees the original Agamemnon rushing around with his sword in hand. The Titan grabs him up the Greek with one of his mechanized claws and says to him thru his mechanized speaker box “Well, if it is not the brave (supposed) ancestor of mine whose name I have chosen as my own, I wish to tell you that I am obviously a great admirer of yours. This is truly an honor. You see, despite my amazing power you are one hethrigir that I never in a thousand years thought I would get the honor to kill”. But by the time the last word is uttered the great Greek leader is already dead from the crushing of his internal organs by the powerful cymek claw. Zam Wessell and Starship Trooper #100 are both shooting out the windows of Tracks in his flying Corvette form while they are being chased by Star Fox in his Arwing. The 2 do their best to target the Arwing but Star Fox is too good in the ship that he is just way to familiar with. Tracks tries to get away from him but Star Fox locks on to Tracks and uses his lasers to blow him out of the air. Rayne jumps out with her blades ready to do battle but Buffy and Kendra make such short work of her that it is kind of ridiculous. The 2 slayers then separate and go on small rampages. Buffy is slightly slowed down by Mr. Game & Watch but mows right thru Wald, Beavis, Butthead, and Buttchunk who barely have time to comment on how hot she is and how they can almost see her thingies before she delivers brain rattling kicks to each of their heads. At the end of her mini-kill spree she is met by Guille who looks excited at the prospect of taking on someone who just took out so many of his teammates in such a short period of time. Guille throw a Sonic Boom at her hoping she would jump over it so he could catch her with his reverse leg kick but much to his dismay she ducks under it and delivers a kick of her own to his chest. He jumps back at her but she pulls out a wooden stake and allows him to fall into it chest first on his way down. Kendra Young goes on a mini rampage of her own wiping out the dynamic duo of Sockpin and Doogle. She then makes it a Connecticut tri-fecta by cracking Bran’s neck with her bare hands. Kid Chameleon turns into his samurai form but finds that he is no match for Kendra with a sword as she quickly takes off his samurai war helmet with his head still inside. Sam Malone, Frank the Tank, The Dude from Quackers, Gordon Barbo, Homer Simpson, Navy Sailor #96 & 99, Moritani Soldier #14 have their game of quarter bounce rudely interrupted by Luminara Unduli and Barress Offee who come thru flinging their lightsabers into them on their way to do battle with the Dash Rendar Driven AT-ST. Dash and Leebo try to target the 2 Jedi but Unduli and Offee use their jedi speed to evade the laser blasts. The 2 of them then simultaneously jump on top of the 2 legged vehicle and cut their way inside. Dash tries to put up a fight but the Jedi Master and her former padawan block his hand held blaster bolts and finish off the smuggler and his droid. Master Chief blazes a trail on his 4 Wheeler, more than ready to make his last stand. He runs right over Astro Droid #19 and then shoves a wooden stake into the heart of Angel (it’s a good thing he came prepared), but Warf shoves his triple sided alien blade thing into the tire of the 4 Wheeler which sends The Syracuse Valley leader flying over the handle bars. Master Chief gets up to brush himself off while Warf moves toward him slowly from behind. Warf is about to lunge at him when Master Chief turns around with his rifle in hand and blasts Warf in the face. Master Chief then tries to shoot Ben Kenobi who is now walking toward him as well but Ben blocks the shots with his blaster. “I don’t think so” the aging Jedi Master says. So Master Chief quickly drops his gun and picks up Warf’s weapon. “I never much cared for droids, but I was beginning to take a liking to that one” Obi Wan says to Master Chief about Astro Droid #19 (who was his X-Wing co-pilot last week). “It was nothing personal” Master Chief replies. “Your Master Chief right”? Obi Wan asks. “That’s right Master Kenobi” Master Chief answers. “I see our reputations precede us, now Master Chief; you don’t really think a Jedi Master would take something personal would you”? Ben says as he rushes at Master Chief causing his lightsaber to make blue streaks in the evening air. Master Chief manages to block several of Kenobi’s attacks with Warf’s weapon but in the end it is too much for him as Ben finishes him off with a head shot. Gen. Grevious leads the Colonial Marines against Omega Red. This is this year’s first appearance for The Syracuse Valley Season 1 1st round pick and he shows off how anxious he really is by instantly grabbing a hold of Spunkmeyer and Wierzbowski with his tentacles. Omega Red’s deadly pheromones are released into the 2 marines which quickly kills them both. Omega Red then jumps right into the middle of fighting fiercely, though heavily outnumbered. Omega Red manages to take out Gorman and Ferro as well, but then the remaining marines push him back with their automatic weapons while Grevious finishes him off with 4 lightsabers to the chest. Casey Jones pulls out his goalie stick and yells “I love being a turtle”! (even though he isn’t). As Ellen Ripley launches 2 grenades into his golf bag and blows him to pieces. Dave Bowman pretends like he doesn’t care when his teammates tell him of the FFL rumors of making him this year’s MVP, but I think he is full of cosmic crap. Dave Bowman floats high above the battlefield and begins sucking up opponents as if her were a Syracuse Valley magnet. Balrog #5, Shang Tsung, Black Lightning, Egg Plant Wizard, & Jedi Guardian #3 are all brought up to the sky as if they have no physical control of their actions whatsoever. Once the 5 of them are brought there, The Starchild then simply disappears with all of them simply taking them somewhere else. Brad Pitt does not seem to mind the 6 screaming kids crammed into the small back seat of the Ferrari he is driving, but the nagging wife next to him is driving him crazy. Driving next to them is their teammates, Doctors Grant and Sattler who are having the following conversation: Grant says as he is pointing to the Ferrari “Look at that, you would really still want kids after seeing that fiasco, I can hear them thru the rolled up windows, I mean, come on way to find a way to ruin a drive in a Ferrari”. Ellie replies “Not all kids, Dr. Grant are quite so unruly. You of all people being a scientist should be able to deduce that having that many kids is the problem”. “One or a thousand, I don’t care. It’s all too many”. “Oh Dr. Grant, you are so intriguing, this isn’t about you being jealous because you didn’t get to drive the Ferrari is it”? Ellie asks. Grant replies, “No way, are you kidding me, this Land Speeder is great. As far as I am concerned wheels are extinct (Har-dee har har, giggles all around). Back in the Ferrari: Angelina yells “STOP! DAMMIT BRAD, I said stop! Turn the car around”. “Why what’s the problem”? Brad asks. “WHAT???? Don’t you what’s the problem me turn the damn car around. Didn’t you see that kid back there” Angelina says. “No, what kid. We’re in the middle of a battle here” Brad says. Angelina replies with “So what, there were many battles going on when we kidnapped, I mean adopted Zahara and Vivian”. “We didn’t adopt Vivian” Brad interrupts. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up” Angelina says as she is getting out of the now stopped car. She walks up to Raiden who is with his sidekick Kid Thunder and asks if she can adopt his son but as this is happening Dr. Grant swerves out of the way of Ardeth Bay who is fighting King Hippo and rear ends the stopped Ferrari that Brad has not so intelligently just left parked in the middle of the Battlefield, killing everyone in both vehicles. Angelina shrugs her shoulders and says to Raiden “you see how dangerous this world is, you should let me take your little boy away from here”. But instead Raiden decides to fry her with his lightning powers. Xavier Harkonen uses a small EMP charge on Jazz to disable him while he gets Vorian Atreides, Miles Teg, and Muhammad Ali to help him take the Autobot apart. Rodimus Prime, Smokescreen, Blackout, and Octane surround Soundwave. Rodimus says in his ultimate good guy voice “give yourself up Soundwave”. But Soundwave ejects his tapes and orders them to attack. Soundwave and his original tapes know that this may be their final battle for the Syracuse Valley but they are prepared to go down fighting. Blackout stomps both Slugfest and Overkill into the ground but Lazerbeak and Buzzsaw both use their eye lasers to take down the much bigger Decepticon. Smokescreen grabs a hold of (movie) Frenzy and rips him apart but Ravage jumps onto his stomach and knocks him down, while Ratbat is killed trying to help out with his razor sharp metal teeth. Soundwave then finishes off the Autobot with a laser blast to the chest. Rodimus punches thru the body of Squawk Box on the way to Soundwave who he punches in the chest breaking the cover where his tapes are ejected from and then throwing him on the ground. Rodimus then uses his side arm lasers to blast into the opened stomach of Soundwave and finish him off for good. “NOOOOOO, not Soundwave” Rumble yells as he and Frenzy jump onto the chest of Rodimus Prime and begin pounding there piston converted arms into his chest until the Autobot leader is dead. Octane pulls Ravage off of the dead shell of Smokescreen and breaks the electrode in his neck but he is then killed by the 4 remaining and very enraged tapes. Spider Man has been fighting Venom all this time but Venom is starting to gain the upper hand. Venom is about to bring his powerful hands down onto the neck of Spiderman when he blasted by a shot of magic from the wand of Harry Potter. With just a little help from his friend Harry (no, not that friend Harry, Harry Potter) Spider Man is able to gain the upper hand and finish off Venom once and for all. Will, Kirjava, Lyra, & Pan are having a blast & racking up mad bonus points by jumping on the heads of The Little Goombas, but when Will and Pan both miss and get hit by the fangs of the little whatever they-ares it kills all 4 of them. Jack Crowe and Rick Deckard learn how it is done though and avenge their little friends by finishing off the last 8 Goombas on their way to help V and Riggs & Murtaugh fight the 14 remaining Moritani Soldiers. The Moritani activate their shields but Bashar Miles Teg has taught everybody on The Commandos enough about shield fighting to know at least the basics. V is already great with knives so he has no problem taking out 6 of them on his own, before he is stabbed by the Moritani #3 & 8 combo. Murtaugh is killed by Moritani #1 but Riggs, Crowe, & Deckard manage to take out the rest of them. Moritani #1 is then thought to be dead but is sneaking up on the Commandos waiting for the perfect time to strike, when Shawn Ferrell rushes in to heal V. Once V comes to he throws his knife, not at the Moritani because he knows that the thrown blade will not get thru his shield but to Riggs who catches it and then allows the slow blade to penetrate the shield and kill the final Moritani Soldier. Glass Joe, Jax, and Jonny Cage’s shirtless bodies are glistening in the moonlight as Paralax flies by filling their hearts with fear and their bodies with death. Ardeth Bay won the fight against King Hippo by the way, for all you people who were still on the edge of your seat about it. Darth Maul decides that it is his time to go off as he sheds his black cloak and ignites his double-bladed lightsaber. The 4 giant Insecticons stand on the ground in their Insect form ready for the attack but Darth Maul jumps in to the air and onto the shoulder of Ransack cutting thru his neck. In the blink of an eye Darth Maul jumps from one Insecticon to the next until he is surrounded by the rubble of all 4 of them. Dr. Doom walks up slowly to Maul and says “impressive, Sith warrior you must truly be one of a kind”. “Hmmm, perhaps” Darth Maul says as his apprentice Darth Rave stealthily sneaks up behind Dr. Doom and kills him just as his master had instructed him telepathically. T-3 marches in to battle blowing apart Wingnut and Screwloose, and then stomping Wonder Boy into the ground. But the Arnold look alike Terminator is blown away by Star Fox on a strafing run in his Arwing. Star Fox swings back around to then do it again when his Arwing is clipped by a cannon from the head of cannon man. Star Fox ejects out in the nick of time but his crashing Arwing takes out both Ahmed Best and Pitfall Harry which is unfortunate because they were in the middle of an epic battle. Rob Bartlett seems honored and looks almost happy as he blown away by the wand of Dumbledore. Dumbledore then squares off against Raiden and Kid Thunder. Raiden conjures up all of the electrical power he can but it is easily blocked by the master wizard. Dumbledore directs it back at him with his wand and then adds a spell of his own to take out the Thunder god and his sidekick. Dumbledore does not stop there though as he sends a shot of magic right thru the screen of Game Boy and then vaporizes Wart. Splinter then stealthily jumps out and kicks Dumbledore’s wand out of his hand. Splinter kicks Dumbledore over but Harry flies by on his broomstick and grabs Dumbledore’s wand off of the ground. He then flies overhead and drops the wand to his headmaster allowing Dumbledore to blast Splinter in the chest and finish him off. Bizarro, Nightmare, Ms. Marvel, & Maxima land in front of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to do battle. Although the Ninja Turtles fight much better as a team than the opponents they are up against, they are simply out powered and out-classed by the super heroes as they are one by one taken out by the 4 of them. It is much the same story for The Battletoads as Zit is mauled to death by Iorek Byrnison and Rash is decapitated by the lightsaber of Kaja Sinis. Pimple on the other hand is killed by the wand of Luna Lovegood. Bossk jumps out with his blaster rifle drawn but is met by Dr. Fate. Dr. Fate changes Bossk’s gun into a water bottle and then changes him into a ream of paper. Hannah Montana and Rachel Ray are cruising around in the bat-mobile where the following conversation is taking place. “Like yeah right, no way. There is no way that your voice is raspier or more recognizable than mine is”. Hannah says to the licensed driver allowing her to use her learner’s permit. “O.K., whatever. This is why I only have dogs, and not kids”. They are about to continue arguing further when they notice that they are being chased by Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles. “EEEEEEEEEEE” Miley screams, in true teenage girl fashion at the oncoming sight of anything while in an automobile. Rachel Ray then starts randomly pushing buttons on the dash of the batmobile one of which ignites the rocket boost on the back which sends them going even faster but also burns Knuckles to a crisp due to the fact that he was right behind the booster trying to get on the back of the car. Despite the new speed boost Sonic and Tails still stay with car but Rachel Ray activates the machine guns which riddle Sonic with bullets. Rachel then drops a bomb out of the back of the Batmobile but Tails quickly picks it up and sticks it into the wheel well. Tails then spins his tails around to start flying and watches the Batmobile blow up from the air. Hanibal King, Lady Deathstrike, & Azeem attack The Nightcrawlers and Nocturne. The 3 of them teleport all over the place avoiding there attacks but eventually Lady Deathstrike manages to stick Nocturne in the neck so she can then lend a hand to Hanibal King in finishing off Nightcrawler. Azeem says a quick prayer to himself after he kills Baby Nightcrawler, as he has know idea what matter of little demon he just killed. Despite being not as muscular as the 2 of them, Jimmy Lee faces off against The Williams Sisters. Venus and Serena rush at him with their rackets but Jimmy first drop kicks Venus out of the way before he beats the crap out of Serena. Once Venus comes to she is know match for Jimmy on her own. Crasher crashes into Cannonman, but Capt. Latin America throws his shield threw the head of Scooter. Crasher then transforms into her robot form and steps on Kid Nee. A furious Bottomless Stomach then eats Crasher’s foot in retaliation which makes the her an easy target for Capt. Latin America to finish off. Mulder and Scully figure out that Mappy is useless which kills him while he collecting Easter baskets for Mapico. Nicole Des Jardins Wakefield emanates girl power as she leads Eowyn and Willow against the 10 Giant Hammer Bros. Eowyn somersaults between 2 of them making them hit each other with their hammers and then stabs another one in the chest. Nicole jumps on the head of one but when she tries to do it a second time she finds she had some beginners luck as he pulls out a hammer just before she lands and kills her. Willow unleashes some of her magic and then easily finishes off the other 4. Huma Dragonbane atop his Red Dragon leads Red Dragon #1, Black Dragon #15, and Zok against the 40 Navy Sailors. The Navy Sailors shoot at the underbellies of the dragons with their M-16’s but they don’t do as much damage as they desired. Zok uses his laser tail and eyes to take out 15 of the sailors while Black Dragon #15 covers another 15 of them with its acid breath. After a ridiculous amount of shells are fired The Navy Sailors bring down both of the Red Dragons but not before they use their fire breath to take out a total of 8 of the Sailors. Huma then rolls off of his dragon with his sword in hand and in one quick movement finishes off the 2 remaining Sailors (#62 & 88). After the Syracuse Valley still found themselves short of the desired roster needs for this week’s epic match Ludwig Von Koopa was picked up to fulfill the need. Ludwig in no way minds being on the team and is anxious to earn a permanent spot after being a hero without a home for so long now. He jumps in, and lands directly on Tarra’s head instantly killing her. Zandor and Dorno are anxious to avenge the rampaging Koopa but they are quickly crushed by Bowser’s oldest son as well. It is not until Igoo brings his rock ape hands down onto the neck of Ludwig (three times) that the Koopa is eventually stopped. Prof. Henry Jones Sr. is busy discussing the importance of foreign language in school with Dora and Boots when they are attacked by Boomerang Bros. They quickly take cover under his umbrella but that only deflects one Boomerang. Boomerang Bros. #1 throws his boomerang at Backpack which defeats it but also gets stuck inside of leaving the Boomerang Bros. defenseless for Prof. Jones to (somewhat clumsily) jump on its head. In a last ditch effort Dora consults the map who tells her, Boots, and Dr. Jones to go around the secret way on the ridge. Once they listen to the map to the map to the map to the map to the maaaaaaaap they go back around and find themselves above the 9 remaining Boomerang Bros. This then allows them to easily jump on the heads of the Boomerang Bros. to kill them all. (They did it. They did it they did it hooray. They read the map and they killed the Boomerang Bros. and they did it they did it they did it hooray………….. They________ did it)! Cole Sear sees himself as The Fire Bros. nail him with fire balls but they then find that there fire powers are not as great as they thought as they are easily over-powered by the android Human Torch with some help from Blue Beetle. Chow Yun Fat, James Baldwin (who doesn’t make it out of the fight) and Acklay #1 take a more melee approach as they fight the 9 Hammer Bros. Chow Yun Fat leaps on to the heads of Hammer #2 & 9, with Baldwin taking out #3. The Acklay lets the hammers bounce off of him while he rips the other 6 Hammer Bros. limb from limb. Darth Maul calls his team back together to make their last stand. Darth Maul is not one for words, or even for leadership for that matter so he simply looks back at his team of Star Fox, Darth Rave, Rumble, Frenzy, Lazerbeak, Buzzsaw, Tails, & Jimmy Lee and nods before he runs in toward the much larger force of the Commandos. He uses a force push to rip apart HAL 9000, kills Darth Binks without even breaking stride and then uses his Sith rage to help push his lightsaber thru the thick skin of Black Adam, before Ben Kenobi; backed up by Luminara Unduli, Barress Offee, and Kaja Sinis all with their lightsabers drawn finally finish off the Sith Lord. Darth Rave runs up to grab the double-bladed lightsaber of his fallen master but is quickly dispatched by Kaja Sinis before he can pick it up. Star Fox, compelled by the death of one he admired so much (Darth Maul) yells “Let’s go Valley as he picks up Maul’s lightsaber and sticks it into the gut of Capt. Latin America and then decapitates The Bottomless Stomach. Bail Organa blasts Fox Mcleod in the chest but his battle cry is well received as Rumble and Frenzy lead the other 2 tapes against Angel and Kendra who are only able to take out Laserbeak (killed by Angel) and Buzzsaw (killed by Kendra) before they die. Dumbledore has to conjur up an amazing amount of magic in order to put down the rampaging Rumble. While it takes a full blast of Agamemnon’s artillery to take down Frenzy. Buffy snaps the neck of Jimmy Lee, but Tails still can’t be caught. The crazy little Fox spin kills Leon to death and then tries to do the same to Juda Ben Hur but although he is knocked off his chariot Juda manages to finish off the tough little furry competitor with his sword.
POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA’S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS” TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS ARE VICTORIOUS!
The Commandos are Dave Bowman: The Starchild, General Grevious, The Colonial Marines: Apone, Hicks, Gorman, Bishop 341-B, Ferro, Dietrich, Hudson, Spunkmeyer, Drake, Frost, Crowe, & Wierbowski, Ellen Ripley, Agamemnon & Juno, Xerxes, Dante, Tllaloc, Octane, Tracks, Rodimus Prime, (movie) Blackout, Smokescreen, Venom, Ransack, Barrage, Chop Shop, Vindicator, Dr. Doom, Frank Poole, HAL 9000, Angel, Warf, Bizarro Superman, Black Adam, Paralax, Ben Kenobi, Astro-droid #19, Nightmare, Ms. Marvel, Maxima, Mary Marvel, Erasmus, Luminara Unduli, Barress Offee, Dozer #1, Iorek Birnenson, Kaja Sinis, Luna Lovegood, Dr. Fate, Darth Binks, Hanibal King, Lady Deathstrike, Ginny Weasaly, The Pretenders: Captain Latin America, Cannon Man, Bottomless Stomach & Kid Nee, Ardeth Bay, Seraphina Peckala & her daemon, Mulder & Scully, The Human Bomb, Kendra Young, Nicole Des Jardins Wakefield, Hannah Montana & Rachel Ray in the Batmobile, Ahmed Best, Lyra Belaqua w/ Pan, Will Parry w/ Kirjava, Buffy Summers, Spider Man, Leon, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Jack Crowe, Rick Deckard, T-3, Shawn Ferrel, V, Riggs & Murtaugh, Dr. Grant & Ellie Sattler in a Land Speeder, Eowyn, Willow Rosenburg, Lazarus Long in an F-22, Xavier Harkonen, Judah Ben Hur, Tarful, Bail Organa, Sydney Pouttier, John Turner, Brangelina w/ Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara, Vivian, & Knox in a Ferrari 456 GT, Azeem, Starship Trooper #100, IG-88, Zam Wessell, The Herculoids: Zandar, Tarra, Dorno, Zok, Igoo, Tundro, Gloop, & Gleep, Venus & Serena Williams, Dora the Explorer, Boots, Backpack, The Map, Vorian Atreides, Prof. Henry Jones Sr., Acklay #1, Chow Yun Fat, Huma Dragonbane w/ his Red Dragon, Black Dragon #15, Original Human Torch, Blue Beetle, Bashar Miles Teg, Muhammed Ali, James Baldwin, Cole Sear, Jen Linley, & Red Dragon #1.
Jen Linley has a heart attack and dies, but it is O.K. because she has like 12 soul mates. As the 2 teams form up Darth Rave walks up to the Sith Lord that has instructed him his entire career and begins saying “My master, I understand that this may be our final battle together, so I”, but Darth Maul starts force choking his apprentice before he can finish. “Don’t get soft on me now Lord Rave, if this day should be my last than you should be thankful. Your rising above me could happen no other way”. “Lord Maul, Release him, we will be in need of his talents”! Star Fox yells to Darth Maul as he is getting in his Arwing. “Of course”. Darth Maul says as he releases his dark apprentice. Despite their different methods Star Fox and Darth Maul have formed a relationship based on respect that one would almost call a friendship. The dedication that the 2 warriors have to the art of The Sith and to the art of piloting has its similarities and the two of them cannot help but admire each other. Before the Syracuse Valley begins their charge on the well fortified force of the Commandos, Head Coach Mcgruff the Crime Dog stands up before them to say a few inspirational words. They are “Let’s take a bite out of The Commandos”. After this less than creative pep talk Assistant Coaches Menelaus and Agamemnon wave for Master Chief to say a few words before they begin. Maser Chief rides his 4 Wheeler up to the front of the pack and then stands up on the seat. He says: “Members of The Syracuse Valley, I am not great with words and will not beat around the bush, we all know that this has been a rough road to get here. Our victories have been few and far between and we have already seen too many of our friends go to the graveyard this year already. For many of us; ……. Including myself; this very well could be our last battle, and in this battle we will be up against insurmountable odds. According to many outsiders we have little to no chance of defeating the N.L. powerhouse that we are about to go up against, but that is talk that I for one, refuse to listen to. I have but no choice to believe in this team and our ability to defeat any team that attacks us. There is no doubt that if we were to lose this Death Match, that it would decimate our team in a way that no other FFL franchise has ever been decimated, but: if one way tickets to hell are our fate, THAN THE VALLEY SHALL SHOW THEM A TASTE OF HELL ON EARTH BEFORE WE GO”!!! Master Chief pumps his rifle into the air as he finishes his speech which is met by thunderous applause from his team. Master Chief then jumps back on his 4 Wheeler and starts riding in fast toward The Commandos knowing that it is going to take more than a pep rally to defeat the team he is about to attack. Mcgruff and the Assistant coaches attempt to run into battle first to rally the team but Seraphina Peckala jumps out of nowhere with her bow and arrow. She shoots Menelaus in the neck with an arrow and then catches Head Coach Mcgruff in the chest but Agamemnon hits Seraphina’s winged daemon with his sword which finishes them both off. Venom and Spider Man start squaring off with each other right away but we will come back to that while Megatron transforms into his Cybertronian jet form racing into the heart of The Commandos defensive line. The Decepticon leader transforms back into robot form, but is met by Black Adam and Mary Marvel. Megatron, though powerful underestimates the 2 worthless little rotting bags of flesh and does not see it coming as the 2 of them blast thru his chest and then rip out his moving parts with an intense ferocity, and at an amazing speed, leaving the great Megatron nothing but a pile of spare parts. All 50 Kree Soldiers form ranks to begin an offensive when Dr. Doom sees the moment he has been waiting for. He grabs a hold of his own teammate, The Human Bomb and throws him into the area where The Kree have gathered. The Kree form a circle around him, as if they are unsure what to do when, Dr. Doom, now a safe distance away targets his own teammate with some of his armor’s magic. The Human Bomb then blows up, but takes all 50 Kree Soldiers with him. Nobody on either team even attempts to interfere with the dog fight between Lazarus Long and Starscream. The F-22 that is being flown by Long and The Decepticon are nearly identical, and even though Starscream is occasionally transforming back and forth to his robot form, the 2 of them are spinning around each other so rapidly that any bystander would confuse them instantly. Starscream flies in front of Lazarus and transforms trying to blast him with his arm guns but Lazarus Long takes evasive action. The ageless Methuselah smiles to himself as he goes in to a tailspin and says “Ahhh, it’s good to be back in a real plane, I ain’t flown one of these bad boys, since I was 90”. Lazarus then ducks his plane underneath the legs of Starscream and swings back around with a missile at the ready. Lazarus then blasts Starscream in the chest with a perfectly placed missile and extinguishes his spark. The 10 Xenomorphs surround Vindicator and quickly rip apart The Alpha Fighters metal coverings, but they are met by a much more powerful opponent as The Commandos 5 Titan-Cymeks approach them. “These creatures seem slightly advanced over the humans, which we are used to stomping” Tllaloc says to his peers. “more advanced physically than the hethrigir perhaps but still nothing compared to both our intellect and ability” Agamemnon replies. But the 10 Xenomorphs work together and begin attacking Xerxes. They jump onto the Titan and start clawing and biting at the Cymek. “Only a fool like Xerxes would allow himself to be taken in a way like this”. Agamemnon says. Agamemnon then orders all of the Cymeks to take aim at the Xenomorphs on top of Xerxes. Xerxes probably would have survived the attack if the acid blood of the Xenomorphs did not eat right thru him but then Agamemnon would not have gotten his added bonus. Agamemnon the Titan then is drawn to one of the Hethrigir on the field, when he sees the original Agamemnon rushing around with his sword in hand. The Titan grabs him up the Greek with one of his mechanized claws and says to him thru his mechanized speaker box “Well, if it is not the brave (supposed) ancestor of mine whose name I have chosen as my own, I wish to tell you that I am obviously a great admirer of yours. This is truly an honor. You see, despite my amazing power you are one hethrigir that I never in a thousand years thought I would get the honor to kill”. But by the time the last word is uttered the great Greek leader is already dead from the crushing of his internal organs by the powerful cymek claw. Zam Wessell and Starship Trooper #100 are both shooting out the windows of Tracks in his flying Corvette form while they are being chased by Star Fox in his Arwing. The 2 do their best to target the Arwing but Star Fox is too good in the ship that he is just way to familiar with. Tracks tries to get away from him but Star Fox locks on to Tracks and uses his lasers to blow him out of the air. Rayne jumps out with her blades ready to do battle but Buffy and Kendra make such short work of her that it is kind of ridiculous. The 2 slayers then separate and go on small rampages. Buffy is slightly slowed down by Mr. Game & Watch but mows right thru Wald, Beavis, Butthead, and Buttchunk who barely have time to comment on how hot she is and how they can almost see her thingies before she delivers brain rattling kicks to each of their heads. At the end of her mini-kill spree she is met by Guille who looks excited at the prospect of taking on someone who just took out so many of his teammates in such a short period of time. Guille throw a Sonic Boom at her hoping she would jump over it so he could catch her with his reverse leg kick but much to his dismay she ducks under it and delivers a kick of her own to his chest. He jumps back at her but she pulls out a wooden stake and allows him to fall into it chest first on his way down. Kendra Young goes on a mini rampage of her own wiping out the dynamic duo of Sockpin and Doogle. She then makes it a Connecticut tri-fecta by cracking Bran’s neck with her bare hands. Kid Chameleon turns into his samurai form but finds that he is no match for Kendra with a sword as she quickly takes off his samurai war helmet with his head still inside. Sam Malone, Frank the Tank, The Dude from Quackers, Gordon Barbo, Homer Simpson, Navy Sailor #96 & 99, Moritani Soldier #14 have their game of quarter bounce rudely interrupted by Luminara Unduli and Barress Offee who come thru flinging their lightsabers into them on their way to do battle with the Dash Rendar Driven AT-ST. Dash and Leebo try to target the 2 Jedi but Unduli and Offee use their jedi speed to evade the laser blasts. The 2 of them then simultaneously jump on top of the 2 legged vehicle and cut their way inside. Dash tries to put up a fight but the Jedi Master and her former padawan block his hand held blaster bolts and finish off the smuggler and his droid. Master Chief blazes a trail on his 4 Wheeler, more than ready to make his last stand. He runs right over Astro Droid #19 and then shoves a wooden stake into the heart of Angel (it’s a good thing he came prepared), but Warf shoves his triple sided alien blade thing into the tire of the 4 Wheeler which sends The Syracuse Valley leader flying over the handle bars. Master Chief gets up to brush himself off while Warf moves toward him slowly from behind. Warf is about to lunge at him when Master Chief turns around with his rifle in hand and blasts Warf in the face. Master Chief then tries to shoot Ben Kenobi who is now walking toward him as well but Ben blocks the shots with his blaster. “I don’t think so” the aging Jedi Master says. So Master Chief quickly drops his gun and picks up Warf’s weapon. “I never much cared for droids, but I was beginning to take a liking to that one” Obi Wan says to Master Chief about Astro Droid #19 (who was his X-Wing co-pilot last week). “It was nothing personal” Master Chief replies. “Your Master Chief right”? Obi Wan asks. “That’s right Master Kenobi” Master Chief answers. “I see our reputations precede us, now Master Chief; you don’t really think a Jedi Master would take something personal would you”? Ben says as he rushes at Master Chief causing his lightsaber to make blue streaks in the evening air. Master Chief manages to block several of Kenobi’s attacks with Warf’s weapon but in the end it is too much for him as Ben finishes him off with a head shot. Gen. Grevious leads the Colonial Marines against Omega Red. This is this year’s first appearance for The Syracuse Valley Season 1 1st round pick and he shows off how anxious he really is by instantly grabbing a hold of Spunkmeyer and Wierzbowski with his tentacles. Omega Red’s deadly pheromones are released into the 2 marines which quickly kills them both. Omega Red then jumps right into the middle of fighting fiercely, though heavily outnumbered. Omega Red manages to take out Gorman and Ferro as well, but then the remaining marines push him back with their automatic weapons while Grevious finishes him off with 4 lightsabers to the chest. Casey Jones pulls out his goalie stick and yells “I love being a turtle”! (even though he isn’t). As Ellen Ripley launches 2 grenades into his golf bag and blows him to pieces. Dave Bowman pretends like he doesn’t care when his teammates tell him of the FFL rumors of making him this year’s MVP, but I think he is full of cosmic crap. Dave Bowman floats high above the battlefield and begins sucking up opponents as if her were a Syracuse Valley magnet. Balrog #5, Shang Tsung, Black Lightning, Egg Plant Wizard, & Jedi Guardian #3 are all brought up to the sky as if they have no physical control of their actions whatsoever. Once the 5 of them are brought there, The Starchild then simply disappears with all of them simply taking them somewhere else. Brad Pitt does not seem to mind the 6 screaming kids crammed into the small back seat of the Ferrari he is driving, but the nagging wife next to him is driving him crazy. Driving next to them is their teammates, Doctors Grant and Sattler who are having the following conversation: Grant says as he is pointing to the Ferrari “Look at that, you would really still want kids after seeing that fiasco, I can hear them thru the rolled up windows, I mean, come on way to find a way to ruin a drive in a Ferrari”. Ellie replies “Not all kids, Dr. Grant are quite so unruly. You of all people being a scientist should be able to deduce that having that many kids is the problem”. “One or a thousand, I don’t care. It’s all too many”. “Oh Dr. Grant, you are so intriguing, this isn’t about you being jealous because you didn’t get to drive the Ferrari is it”? Ellie asks. Grant replies, “No way, are you kidding me, this Land Speeder is great. As far as I am concerned wheels are extinct (Har-dee har har, giggles all around). Back in the Ferrari: Angelina yells “STOP! DAMMIT BRAD, I said stop! Turn the car around”. “Why what’s the problem”? Brad asks. “WHAT???? Don’t you what’s the problem me turn the damn car around. Didn’t you see that kid back there” Angelina says. “No, what kid. We’re in the middle of a battle here” Brad says. Angelina replies with “So what, there were many battles going on when we kidnapped, I mean adopted Zahara and Vivian”. “We didn’t adopt Vivian” Brad interrupts. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up” Angelina says as she is getting out of the now stopped car. She walks up to Raiden who is with his sidekick Kid Thunder and asks if she can adopt his son but as this is happening Dr. Grant swerves out of the way of Ardeth Bay who is fighting King Hippo and rear ends the stopped Ferrari that Brad has not so intelligently just left parked in the middle of the Battlefield, killing everyone in both vehicles. Angelina shrugs her shoulders and says to Raiden “you see how dangerous this world is, you should let me take your little boy away from here”. But instead Raiden decides to fry her with his lightning powers. Xavier Harkonen uses a small EMP charge on Jazz to disable him while he gets Vorian Atreides, Miles Teg, and Muhammad Ali to help him take the Autobot apart. Rodimus Prime, Smokescreen, Blackout, and Octane surround Soundwave. Rodimus says in his ultimate good guy voice “give yourself up Soundwave”. But Soundwave ejects his tapes and orders them to attack. Soundwave and his original tapes know that this may be their final battle for the Syracuse Valley but they are prepared to go down fighting. Blackout stomps both Slugfest and Overkill into the ground but Lazerbeak and Buzzsaw both use their eye lasers to take down the much bigger Decepticon. Smokescreen grabs a hold of (movie) Frenzy and rips him apart but Ravage jumps onto his stomach and knocks him down, while Ratbat is killed trying to help out with his razor sharp metal teeth. Soundwave then finishes off the Autobot with a laser blast to the chest. Rodimus punches thru the body of Squawk Box on the way to Soundwave who he punches in the chest breaking the cover where his tapes are ejected from and then throwing him on the ground. Rodimus then uses his side arm lasers to blast into the opened stomach of Soundwave and finish him off for good. “NOOOOOO, not Soundwave” Rumble yells as he and Frenzy jump onto the chest of Rodimus Prime and begin pounding there piston converted arms into his chest until the Autobot leader is dead. Octane pulls Ravage off of the dead shell of Smokescreen and breaks the electrode in his neck but he is then killed by the 4 remaining and very enraged tapes. Spider Man has been fighting Venom all this time but Venom is starting to gain the upper hand. Venom is about to bring his powerful hands down onto the neck of Spiderman when he blasted by a shot of magic from the wand of Harry Potter. With just a little help from his friend Harry (no, not that friend Harry, Harry Potter) Spider Man is able to gain the upper hand and finish off Venom once and for all. Will, Kirjava, Lyra, & Pan are having a blast & racking up mad bonus points by jumping on the heads of The Little Goombas, but when Will and Pan both miss and get hit by the fangs of the little whatever they-ares it kills all 4 of them. Jack Crowe and Rick Deckard learn how it is done though and avenge their little friends by finishing off the last 8 Goombas on their way to help V and Riggs & Murtaugh fight the 14 remaining Moritani Soldiers. The Moritani activate their shields but Bashar Miles Teg has taught everybody on The Commandos enough about shield fighting to know at least the basics. V is already great with knives so he has no problem taking out 6 of them on his own, before he is stabbed by the Moritani #3 & 8 combo. Murtaugh is killed by Moritani #1 but Riggs, Crowe, & Deckard manage to take out the rest of them. Moritani #1 is then thought to be dead but is sneaking up on the Commandos waiting for the perfect time to strike, when Shawn Ferrell rushes in to heal V. Once V comes to he throws his knife, not at the Moritani because he knows that the thrown blade will not get thru his shield but to Riggs who catches it and then allows the slow blade to penetrate the shield and kill the final Moritani Soldier. Glass Joe, Jax, and Jonny Cage’s shirtless bodies are glistening in the moonlight as Paralax flies by filling their hearts with fear and their bodies with death. Ardeth Bay won the fight against King Hippo by the way, for all you people who were still on the edge of your seat about it. Darth Maul decides that it is his time to go off as he sheds his black cloak and ignites his double-bladed lightsaber. The 4 giant Insecticons stand on the ground in their Insect form ready for the attack but Darth Maul jumps in to the air and onto the shoulder of Ransack cutting thru his neck. In the blink of an eye Darth Maul jumps from one Insecticon to the next until he is surrounded by the rubble of all 4 of them. Dr. Doom walks up slowly to Maul and says “impressive, Sith warrior you must truly be one of a kind”. “Hmmm, perhaps” Darth Maul says as his apprentice Darth Rave stealthily sneaks up behind Dr. Doom and kills him just as his master had instructed him telepathically. T-3 marches in to battle blowing apart Wingnut and Screwloose, and then stomping Wonder Boy into the ground. But the Arnold look alike Terminator is blown away by Star Fox on a strafing run in his Arwing. Star Fox swings back around to then do it again when his Arwing is clipped by a cannon from the head of cannon man. Star Fox ejects out in the nick of time but his crashing Arwing takes out both Ahmed Best and Pitfall Harry which is unfortunate because they were in the middle of an epic battle. Rob Bartlett seems honored and looks almost happy as he blown away by the wand of Dumbledore. Dumbledore then squares off against Raiden and Kid Thunder. Raiden conjures up all of the electrical power he can but it is easily blocked by the master wizard. Dumbledore directs it back at him with his wand and then adds a spell of his own to take out the Thunder god and his sidekick. Dumbledore does not stop there though as he sends a shot of magic right thru the screen of Game Boy and then vaporizes Wart. Splinter then stealthily jumps out and kicks Dumbledore’s wand out of his hand. Splinter kicks Dumbledore over but Harry flies by on his broomstick and grabs Dumbledore’s wand off of the ground. He then flies overhead and drops the wand to his headmaster allowing Dumbledore to blast Splinter in the chest and finish him off. Bizarro, Nightmare, Ms. Marvel, & Maxima land in front of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to do battle. Although the Ninja Turtles fight much better as a team than the opponents they are up against, they are simply out powered and out-classed by the super heroes as they are one by one taken out by the 4 of them. It is much the same story for The Battletoads as Zit is mauled to death by Iorek Byrnison and Rash is decapitated by the lightsaber of Kaja Sinis. Pimple on the other hand is killed by the wand of Luna Lovegood. Bossk jumps out with his blaster rifle drawn but is met by Dr. Fate. Dr. Fate changes Bossk’s gun into a water bottle and then changes him into a ream of paper. Hannah Montana and Rachel Ray are cruising around in the bat-mobile where the following conversation is taking place. “Like yeah right, no way. There is no way that your voice is raspier or more recognizable than mine is”. Hannah says to the licensed driver allowing her to use her learner’s permit. “O.K., whatever. This is why I only have dogs, and not kids”. They are about to continue arguing further when they notice that they are being chased by Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles. “EEEEEEEEEEE” Miley screams, in true teenage girl fashion at the oncoming sight of anything while in an automobile. Rachel Ray then starts randomly pushing buttons on the dash of the batmobile one of which ignites the rocket boost on the back which sends them going even faster but also burns Knuckles to a crisp due to the fact that he was right behind the booster trying to get on the back of the car. Despite the new speed boost Sonic and Tails still stay with car but Rachel Ray activates the machine guns which riddle Sonic with bullets. Rachel then drops a bomb out of the back of the Batmobile but Tails quickly picks it up and sticks it into the wheel well. Tails then spins his tails around to start flying and watches the Batmobile blow up from the air. Hanibal King, Lady Deathstrike, & Azeem attack The Nightcrawlers and Nocturne. The 3 of them teleport all over the place avoiding there attacks but eventually Lady Deathstrike manages to stick Nocturne in the neck so she can then lend a hand to Hanibal King in finishing off Nightcrawler. Azeem says a quick prayer to himself after he kills Baby Nightcrawler, as he has know idea what matter of little demon he just killed. Despite being not as muscular as the 2 of them, Jimmy Lee faces off against The Williams Sisters. Venus and Serena rush at him with their rackets but Jimmy first drop kicks Venus out of the way before he beats the crap out of Serena. Once Venus comes to she is know match for Jimmy on her own. Crasher crashes into Cannonman, but Capt. Latin America throws his shield threw the head of Scooter. Crasher then transforms into her robot form and steps on Kid Nee. A furious Bottomless Stomach then eats Crasher’s foot in retaliation which makes the her an easy target for Capt. Latin America to finish off. Mulder and Scully figure out that Mappy is useless which kills him while he collecting Easter baskets for Mapico. Nicole Des Jardins Wakefield emanates girl power as she leads Eowyn and Willow against the 10 Giant Hammer Bros. Eowyn somersaults between 2 of them making them hit each other with their hammers and then stabs another one in the chest. Nicole jumps on the head of one but when she tries to do it a second time she finds she had some beginners luck as he pulls out a hammer just before she lands and kills her. Willow unleashes some of her magic and then easily finishes off the other 4. Huma Dragonbane atop his Red Dragon leads Red Dragon #1, Black Dragon #15, and Zok against the 40 Navy Sailors. The Navy Sailors shoot at the underbellies of the dragons with their M-16’s but they don’t do as much damage as they desired. Zok uses his laser tail and eyes to take out 15 of the sailors while Black Dragon #15 covers another 15 of them with its acid breath. After a ridiculous amount of shells are fired The Navy Sailors bring down both of the Red Dragons but not before they use their fire breath to take out a total of 8 of the Sailors. Huma then rolls off of his dragon with his sword in hand and in one quick movement finishes off the 2 remaining Sailors (#62 & 88). After the Syracuse Valley still found themselves short of the desired roster needs for this week’s epic match Ludwig Von Koopa was picked up to fulfill the need. Ludwig in no way minds being on the team and is anxious to earn a permanent spot after being a hero without a home for so long now. He jumps in, and lands directly on Tarra’s head instantly killing her. Zandor and Dorno are anxious to avenge the rampaging Koopa but they are quickly crushed by Bowser’s oldest son as well. It is not until Igoo brings his rock ape hands down onto the neck of Ludwig (three times) that the Koopa is eventually stopped. Prof. Henry Jones Sr. is busy discussing the importance of foreign language in school with Dora and Boots when they are attacked by Boomerang Bros. They quickly take cover under his umbrella but that only deflects one Boomerang. Boomerang Bros. #1 throws his boomerang at Backpack which defeats it but also gets stuck inside of leaving the Boomerang Bros. defenseless for Prof. Jones to (somewhat clumsily) jump on its head. In a last ditch effort Dora consults the map who tells her, Boots, and Dr. Jones to go around the secret way on the ridge. Once they listen to the map to the map to the map to the map to the maaaaaaaap they go back around and find themselves above the 9 remaining Boomerang Bros. This then allows them to easily jump on the heads of the Boomerang Bros. to kill them all. (They did it. They did it they did it hooray. They read the map and they killed the Boomerang Bros. and they did it they did it they did it hooray………….. They________ did it)! Cole Sear sees himself as The Fire Bros. nail him with fire balls but they then find that there fire powers are not as great as they thought as they are easily over-powered by the android Human Torch with some help from Blue Beetle. Chow Yun Fat, James Baldwin (who doesn’t make it out of the fight) and Acklay #1 take a more melee approach as they fight the 9 Hammer Bros. Chow Yun Fat leaps on to the heads of Hammer #2 & 9, with Baldwin taking out #3. The Acklay lets the hammers bounce off of him while he rips the other 6 Hammer Bros. limb from limb. Darth Maul calls his team back together to make their last stand. Darth Maul is not one for words, or even for leadership for that matter so he simply looks back at his team of Star Fox, Darth Rave, Rumble, Frenzy, Lazerbeak, Buzzsaw, Tails, & Jimmy Lee and nods before he runs in toward the much larger force of the Commandos. He uses a force push to rip apart HAL 9000, kills Darth Binks without even breaking stride and then uses his Sith rage to help push his lightsaber thru the thick skin of Black Adam, before Ben Kenobi; backed up by Luminara Unduli, Barress Offee, and Kaja Sinis all with their lightsabers drawn finally finish off the Sith Lord. Darth Rave runs up to grab the double-bladed lightsaber of his fallen master but is quickly dispatched by Kaja Sinis before he can pick it up. Star Fox, compelled by the death of one he admired so much (Darth Maul) yells “Let’s go Valley as he picks up Maul’s lightsaber and sticks it into the gut of Capt. Latin America and then decapitates The Bottomless Stomach. Bail Organa blasts Fox Mcleod in the chest but his battle cry is well received as Rumble and Frenzy lead the other 2 tapes against Angel and Kendra who are only able to take out Laserbeak (killed by Angel) and Buzzsaw (killed by Kendra) before they die. Dumbledore has to conjur up an amazing amount of magic in order to put down the rampaging Rumble. While it takes a full blast of Agamemnon’s artillery to take down Frenzy. Buffy snaps the neck of Jimmy Lee, but Tails still can’t be caught. The crazy little Fox spin kills Leon to death and then tries to do the same to Juda Ben Hur but although he is knocked off his chariot Juda manages to finish off the tough little furry competitor with his sword.
POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA’S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS” TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS ARE VICTORIOUS!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Sorry for the delay.
Joshatu has been kidnapped by the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt. So until his friends Ryatu and Bryatu can sneak into Jabba's lair and rescue him, this week's festivities will have to be somewhat delayed. I am sorry for the inconveniance, and I hope that everything will be back on schedule very soon. Crap! I think I hear a Gamorian Guard coming up to my cell door so I should probably cut this short. Sorry Again.
-Josh
-Josh
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Hold on to your Butts.
The Easter Classic is Nearly here.
The Touring Battalion of Commandos will be facing off against the Horsemen of Apokolips.
I don't know about you guys, But I think the Horsemen look ready.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
BRYATU MAD!!!
I BRYATU AM ENRAGED THAT I DO NOT HAVE MY MATCHES AT THIS TIME ON TODAY'S DATE! LEST I HEAR FROM MY BRETHREN JOSHATU AND RYATU THAT YOUR TEAM WAS NOT GIVEN BY MIDNIGHT ON SUNDAY, YOU SHALL FORFEIT YOUR MATCH!!!! I DO NOT KID!!! I DO NOT JEST!!!! TEST ME - AND YOU SHALL PERISH- READILY-EASILY-AND OFTEN!!!!
I SHALL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS RAGEFUL RANT SINCE I KNOW THAT I WILL BE LIKED TO MR. BAKER'S TEAM MONIKER IF I DO!!!
-BRYATU
I SHALL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS RAGEFUL RANT SINCE I KNOW THAT I WILL BE LIKED TO MR. BAKER'S TEAM MONIKER IF I DO!!!
-BRYATU
Monday, March 30, 2009
Better Than All of You vs The Abomitrons
Better Than All of You is Predator #1-12, Terminator #1-12, Green Lantern, Thanos, Mephisto, Skeletor, The Blues Bros., Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazy P. Martini, Ghost Rider, Ghost Rider, Loki & Bartleby, Gray Hulk, Abomination, Bishop, Deathlok, Flash, Rob Van Dam, & Sabu.
The Abomitrons are Iron Man, Cyborg Superman, The Crew of Serenity: Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, Zoë, Wash, Book, Anora, Jane, River, & Simon, Mega Man & Rush, Starfire, Raven, Hancock, Cerberus, Phineas & Ferb w/ Perry, Kirby, Stryfe, Abin Sur, Commander Cody, Capt Rex, Elite Clone Trooper #21-36, Baby Colossus, Iron Monger, Widget (w/ body), Montross, Ben 10 Alien Force: Ben Tennyson, Kevin, & Gwen; Falco, Beast, Batman, Robin, & Robin in Blackbird 1, Horri-Bull & Kreb, Zombie #1 & 2, Starship Trooper #51-62, & Naboo Soldier #1.
The Blackbird 1 and Serenity fly into the battle carrying most of the Abomitrons. “Ok men. We need to turn this team around. The Abomitrons need to live up to its name and destroy everything in its path. Now who’s with me?” shout Iron Man. There is a loud cheer heard over their Starktech Comlinks as they all enter the battle. Better Than All of You have already set up their defenses on a large asteroid floating in the rings of Saturn. GWAR stands ready for battle as they see the more super powered members of the Abomitrons fly in. And in one strafing run, Starfire, Cyborg Superman and Iron Man, all collectively destroy GWAR with their energy blasts. Thanos then retaliates by blasting Serenity in its wing, causing it to crash into the side of a meteor. Blackbird 1 lands on the large asteroid and out jumps Commander Cody with his crew of sixteen Elite Clonetroopers as well as Captain Rex and his squad of twelve Starship Troopers. The two teams split up and take cover within some craters. “Damn, these clankers look stronger than usual,” grumbles Commander Cody as twelve Terminators march their way. “Alright team, lets take ‘em out!” shout the clone Commander. The Elite Clonetroopers open fire on the Terminators, but they seem to only be inflicting minimal damage. The Terminators return fire, all carrying massive chain guns, mowing down Elite Clonetroopers #21, 24, 25, 33, and 36. Terminator #4 falls to Elite Clonetroopers #22 (Double Deuce) and 23, and Cody takes out Terminator #12 with an amazing headshot. Meanwhile the Captain Rex led Starship Troopers are being slaughtered by twelve Predators. Predator #2 killed Starship Troopers #51-57 by himself, knowing full well that this could be his final battle. The five remaining Troopers are simply overwhelmed by the Predators and are killed and skinned in a matter of seconds. Captain Rex manages to take out Predators #7 and 9 before Hancock swoops in and saves his ass. The Terminators continue their onslaught of the Clonetroopers and take down Elite Clonetroopers #27, 28, 29, 30, 34, and 35 with heavy gunfire. Captain America sends in some reinforcements to aid the Clonetroopers, as Cerberus, Iron Monger, Stryfe and Horri-Bull with Creb all jump and attack the Terminators. Cerberus’s three head all bite down on three Terminators, shaking them around violently like chew toys, killing Terminators #1-3. Iron Monger tries to use his heavy weaponry, but is having problems with ice build-up and is taken out by Terminators #8 and 9. Horri-Bull wildly attacks Terminators #5 and 7, killing them quickly, but also accidentally taking out Elite Clonetroopers #31 and 32 in the process. Stryfe then uses his telekinesis to rip Terminators #6, 9 and 10 apart, bolt-by-bolt. Before the two final Terminators fall they manage to take out the three Elite Clonetroopers that were still standing. Montross flies in where the Predators had killed the Starship Troopers and takes out Predators #1, 3, 7, and 12 with some cluster missiles. Deathlok then shoots him out of the sky. This attack doesn’t kill Montross, but only enrages him. Montross rushes towards Deathlok, but is blasted away by Deathlok’s plasma rifle. The Blues Brothers are both attacked and eaten by Zombies #1 and 2 who strangely resemble Carlos Olivera and Goblin #1. Skeletor then quickly uses his magic to vaporize the two walking corpses. Flash speeds in and takes out Phineas, Ferb and Perry with lightning fast ease, but the runs right into the waiting mouth of Kirby, who the swallows him whole. Naboo Soldier #1 in then all of a sudden shot by a powerful energy blast that come out of nowhere. Using his technology, Iron Man is able to see that eight remaining Predators have all activated their invisibility cloaks. He locks onto Predators #4 and 6 and blasts them with a repulsor ray. Mega Man and Cyborg Superman both are able to scan the area and see this as well. Mega Man kills Predator #11 with his Plasma Buster, and Cyborg Superman finds Predator #5 and rips his limbs right off of his body. Hancock then finds himself surrounded by Rob Van Dam and Sabu. “Aw, I’ve seen you guys. Ok, you want to wrestle? I’ll wrestle,” says Hancock. He suplexes Sabu into the asteroid and then clotheslines RVD. Hancock then puts Sabu into a Boston crab and pulls back until he tears the ECW Original’s legs clean off. He then quickly puts RVD in a cross face and breaks his neck. Abin Sur then sees Hal Jordan and engages him in battle. And after a fierce, but quick exchange, Hal Jordan comes out on top. With his dying words, Abin Sur says to Hal, “I always knew I had found the right person to take over my ring.” (It’s Abin Sur’s ring that Hal Jordan has. Which, yep, that means they were both fighting with the same ring. Don’t try and think about it too much, you eyes will start to bleed.) Raven is then attacked by Mephisto and is shown what true magic really feels like. Mephisto overpowers her and obliterates the Teen Titan. Batman then takes Blackbird 1 and flies right for Mephisto. He unloads all of its artillery on the demonic being, but he still stands. “Bruce, do not let him survive! No matter what!” shouts the distraught Robin(s). Batman then increases the speed and slams into Mephisto in a fiery explosion that takes all of them out in the process. Mega Man and Rush merge to form Jet Mega Man and rockets up to take on Loki and Bartleby. The two fallen angels are no match for Mega Man’s firepower and fall to the robot-boy. The Ben 10 Alien Force trio find themselves staring face to face with Abomination at this point. Kevin immediately turns himself into asteroid rock, in hopes to give him greater density and strength, but Abomination is too strong and smashes him into pebbles. Gwen tries to hit Abomination with some magic energy but, it doesn’t slow him down and he simply eats her in one bite. Ben then turns himself into Chromastone, which gives him the ability to absorb energy. He allows Abomination to beat on him for a bit and then redirects the energy back at Abomination in the form of an intense laser blast that burns a basketball sized hold through his chest. The two Ghost Riders ride in on their hellbikes and wrap their hellfire chains around Chromastone. They then launch him up into the air and Thanos overloads him with energy causing him to explode. The Abomitrons perform a similar act on Bishop who had been fighting back and forth with Starfire for quite a while. Iron Man and Cyborg Superman both fly in and along with Starfire, hits Bishop with more energy than he can handle and he too explodes from the overdose. Perched high up on a cliff on the asteroid, Deathlok takes aim and shoots Widget, destroying its circuitry. Buy what he doesn’t know is that he was tracked by Commander Cody and Captain Rex, who both sneak up behind him and shoot him point blank in the back of the head. Gray Hulk then leaps on top of Horri-Bull who is in his bull mode. The Decepticon tries to buck Gray Hulk off, but is unable to off seat him. Hulk grabs a hold of Horri-Bull’s horns and rips his head clean off. Gray Hulk then stomps Kreb into the ground. Skeletor sees that there is a baby running around this asteroid and would really enjoy killing him. He walks up to Baby Colossus, but is unexpectedly punched extremely hard by the little tyke. “No child strikes Skeletor and lives!” exclaims Skeletor. He then vaporizes Baby Colossus with a massive blast of evil magic. Suddenly Skeletor feels a large shadow beginning to loom over him, and as he slowly turns to see what it is, Cerberus gobbles him up and swallows the evil overlord. Kirby, using Flash’s power her acquired by eating him, is racing around the asteroid at top speeds, but is brought to a grinding halt by Predator #2 who launches a spear right into the pink puff ball. The two Ghost Riders start circling Commander Cody and Captain Rex, but Starfire flies in and blasts Danny Ketch. This allows the two Clonetroopers to double team Johnny Blaze and shoots him off of his hellbike. Cyborg Superman then targets the remaining Predators and flies straight through Predator #9. Predators #8 and 10 both become visible and try to blow Cyborg Superman out of the sky, but their weapons are no match for Hank Henshaw. He uses his heat vision to burn two small holes right through Predator #10’s helmet, and then using his super speed flies up and rips Predator #8’s head complete off of his shoulders. Predator #2 then leaps on to Hancock’s back and starts to try and claw away at him. Hancock flips him over and starts viciously landing punches to the Predator’s face. He then hears a beeping and realizes that the Predator has set his self-destruct bomb. “Aww s#^!,” says Hancock. He then grabs Predator #2 and whips him as hard and as fast as he can at Gray Hulk. As Gray Hulk turns to see what is flying his way, Predator #2’s thermo nuclear bomb goes off and sends both of them into oblivion. Green Lantern now sees himself in a very familiar situation, as he is one of two of the last surviving members of Better Than All of You. “Thanos, I’m going to be honest, I’ve been here before. This will not end well,” Hal Jordan says somberly. “Foolish human. I am Thanos, The Mad Titan. This team is not powerful enough to defeat me,” replies Thanos. They both then charge out and attack the remaining members of The Abomitrons with an amazing display of valor. Thanos vaporizes Commander Cody and Captain Rex with a blast of cosmic energy and crushes Mega Man and Rush with his bare hands. Green Lantern then euthanizes Cerberus with a vast amount of green energy. Iron Man then attacks Hal Jordan. They hit each other with everything they have, each exhausting the other. “I’m sorry I have to do this Hal. But I promised my team a win this week,” says Tony Stark as he relays all his power in his armor and then detonates a small nuclear bomb that kills both competitors. Thanos is then faced with the oncoming attack of Cyborg Superman, Hancock, Stryfe and Starfire. Stryfe uses his telepathy to distract Thanos, as Starfire blast him with her “starbolts,” and Cyborg Superman and Hancock fly in for the kill, using their sheer strength to defeat the Mad Titan.
THE ABOMITRONS ARE VICTORIOUS!
George Washington's Slaves vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies
George Washington’s Slaves are Admiral Ackbar, Agen Kolar, Ajax Major, Arisia, Bebop & Rocksteady, Ben Skywalker, Bill Rizer & Lance Bean, Cade Skywalker, Capt. Picard, Capt. Kirk in an Arwing, Cassandra Nova, Colossus, Connor MacLeod, Corbin Dallas, Santa Claus w/ Rudolf, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, & Blitzen, Cosmos, Crash Bandicoot, Dare the Terminator, Dormammu, Duncan Idaho Ghola #7, Tank & Dozer, Inspector Gadget, Jason Bourne, Jimmy Neutron, Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez, Ki Adi Mundi, Loki, Martian Manhunter, Metroid #19 & 20, Neo, Trinity, Optimus Prime & Roller, Wedge & R5-D4 in an X-Wing, Scorpion, Shaak Ti, Sypho Dyas, Sonny (from I-Robot), Super Soldier, Yoda, Zorack, & Jedi Master #1.
Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are The Maxx & Julie, Doc Brown, Lorne Michaels, Speedy Gonzalez, Brak, Dobby, (Brain Damaged) Beowulf, Sarah Palin, The Groovy Gang: Ted, Val, Patty, Sonny, & Groovy, Jay, Silent Bob, Suzanne, Forge, Bob: Agent of HYDRA, Agent X, Aunt May, Hellboy, Etrigan the Demon, Lobo, Guy Gardner, G' Nort, Howard the Duck, Booster Gold, Brock Sampson, Kyle Rayner, Beatrix Kiddo, Ted Nugent, Jedi Master #20, Greedo, Dorf, Jedi Youngling #39, Shatterstar, Hydro-Man, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Batgirl, The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Jason, Zack, Billy, Trini, & Kimberly, Mystery Inc.: Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, Scooby-Doo, & Scooby Dumb, Mechagodzilla, Caramon Majere, Raistlin Majere, The Power Puff Girls: Blossom, Bubbles, & Buttercup, Clone Trooper #26, The Technibots: Scattershot, Strafe, Lightspeed, Nosecone, & Afterburner, Ron Popeil, Scarlet Witch, Shazam, Starro, Grimlock, King Leonidas, Dark Claw, Lobo the Duck, & Treasure Troll #17.
Ever since the off-season trade of Thor, Martian Manhunter has been reluctant to form any sort of friendship with Neo. That is of course, until Neo showed up in the locker room with a bag of Choco Cookies, which is J’onn’s real weakness. And after a long conversation and eating the entire back of Choco’s, they have formed quite the bond. They lead the Slaves into battle, which is taking place just outside the orbit of Uranus. (Really? Several space battles and this is the first “Uranus” joke?) Admiral Ackbar, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Connor MacLeod, Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez, Duncan Idaho Ghola #7, Dare the Terminator, and Sypho Dyas are all flying aboard Cosmos. The Murderflies have greatly prepared for this battle and the opportunity to make it three in a row. Ron Popeil, Doc Brown and Forge constructed the first ever Ronco X-Space Station. The Technibots and Mechagodzilla stand guard on the outside of this massive space station that can also make 32 different kinds of pasta. “Access to that station we must acquire,” says Yoda. “I agree Master Jedi,” says Optimus Prime. But Head Coach Leonidas isn’t going to make that easy for them. He orders G’Nort to put a green force field up around the Ronco X-Space Station. “A Green Lantern force field? We can break through power of that magnitude!” shouts Ackbar. Just then flanking the Slaves from the rear coming out from behind the moon, Oberon comes the Megazord, Shazam and Starro, instantly attacking Cosmos and his crew. “It’s a trap!” exclaims the Mon Calamari commander. Luckily for the Slaves, Capt. James Tiberius Kirk swoops in his Arwing and starts firing on the Megazord. He is followed closely behind by Wedge and R5-D4 in a X-Wing. The Megazord uses its Power Sword and slices the Arwing in twain, killing Kirk. Wedge targets Starro and dodges the giant starfish’s arms. Wedge then pulls an Immelmann turn and fires two proton torpedoes at Starro, which kills the large starfish. This prompts Shazam to take action and head straight for the X-Wing. He catches up to it and with his Herculean strength, he rips one of the wings off of the ship, which causes it to spin out of control and into an asteroid that Caramon Majere, Rastlin Majere, Metroid #19, and Jedi Master #1 were all battling on. Shazam then gathers Scarlet Witch, Grimlock and the Technibots to attack the Slaves’s forces. “Prime! Me, Grimlock, wants Prime!” shouts the Dinobot leader. “Then, Grimlock, here I am,” Optimus confidently replies. The two Autobots clash with great intensity. Grimlock swipes a Prime with his energy sword, but Optimus manages to evade the attack. Optimus then finally shows Grimlock why he was chosen as the Matrix-bearer and not Grimlock. He sidesteps Grimlock’s lunging attack and hip tosses the Dinobot over. Optimus takes aim and blasts Grimlock square in the chest, blowing a gaping hole through him. Scarlet Witch then approaches the giant space cruiser that Jimmy Neutron built specifically for this match. She has no problem gaining access to it, because she altered the safety hatch with her mutant powers. She then calmly walks through the cruiser’s hallways, and is confronted by the awesome force of Bebop and Rocksteady. She continues to walk towards them as if they weren’t even there. Rocksteady goes to blast her with his gun, but is quickly turned into a urinal cake. Bebop charges at her, but then finds himself turned into a Strawberry Rhubarb pie. Outside of the Neutron Space Cruiser, Shazam in confronted by Super Soldier, and is hit with a powerful uppercut. Shazam comes right back at him and lands several haymakers, one after another. Super Soldier fires back with a blast of heat vision, which stuns Shazam, but only for a moment. Shazam aggressively attacks Super Soldier, bringing his two powerful fists down multiple times on Super Soldier’s Vibranium-steel alloy shield. Super Soldier pushes back and launches his shield as hard as he can at Shazam’s head. However, Shazam ducks and a catches the shield. He then flies up and drives the point of the shield into the big white star emblazoned on Super Soldier’s chest. The Technibots merge and form Computron, and he analyzes the battlefield and determines how he can help his team out the most. Computron attacks Cosmos and his passengers. He uses his superior intellect and strength to overwhelm the flying saucer and utterly destroys it, as well as everyone inside. “Ho ho ho! Hey Corbin, take a look into my sack and see if there’s anything we can use to defeat those guys,” says Santa Claus as he flies in on his sled. Corbin Dallas digs through the magical sack and pulls out The Hammer of Dawn. “Oh damn, Santa!” exclaims Corbin. “Well I know how much you’ve been looking at the Gears of War crew’s stuff, and you’ve been a great teammate to me. So I figured you deserved it. Now blast that motherf@#%*&!” says Santa Claus. Corbin locks on target with Computron and fires the Hammer of Dawn. The orbiting satellite that the H.O.D. is linked to blasts Computron with an intense Imulsion beam, which rips through the Transformer with great ease. Guy Gardner then fires a green energy beam at the sleigh, knocking the Hammer of Dawn out of Corbin’s hands. Kyle Rayner and G’Nort join Guy and the three of them hit the oncoming reindeer powered sleigh with an immense amount of green energy, vaporizing them in the process. Jason Bourne, Ki Adi Mundi, Ajax Major, Ben Skywalker, Bill Rizer and Lance Bean are all able to gain access to the Ronco X-Space Station and are all attacked by both the Scooby and Groovy Gangs. Jason Bourne leaps into action and snaps the neck of Val, rips the esophagus out of Sonny and breaks the kneecap of Fred. Ajax Major slams his huge hammer down on the fallen Fred, crushing his skull. Bill Rizer and Lance Bean blow away Velma, Ted, Patty and Groovy with their Spread Guns. Ki Adi Mundi and Ben Skywalker then make quick work of Daphne, Shaggy, Scooby-Doo and Scooby Dumb with their lightsabers. As they advance through the station, Jason Bourne is blindsided by a right cross, courtesy of Brock Samson. The rest continue on their mission as Bourne and Samson fight. Jason quickly gains the upper hand, but Brock hits an air lock hatch, which sucks both fighters out into the vacuum of space without any sort of protection. Jason Bourne suffocates and freezes to death. Brock on the other hand, hung onto a strap attached to the station. Brock pulled himself in and shut the air lock. He then noticed that he had a slight nosebleed, but was unsure if it was due to the vacuum of space or Jason Bourne’s spin kick he received to the face earlier. Brock also coughed up a pink chunk, roughly the size of a kiwifruit. Brock didn’t feel very well after this and decided to go and lie down. Ted Nugent spots the intruders and fires a flaming arrow through the forehead of Lance Bean. He then takes aim and fires one into Bill Rizer’s chest. “There is nothing better that hunting the greatest species in the universe; humans,” says the Motor City Madman. These are the last words hear from Nugent as he is relieved of his head by Ki Adi Mundi. Back out in space Martian Manhunter quickly dispatches the small force of Treasure Troll #17, Speedy Gonzalez, and the Power Puff Girls (Get it? “small”). He is then attacked by Brain Damaged Beowulf, and has to go on the defense quickly. J’onn gets bailed out though by his new bromance buddy Neo and the two of them double-team the Cymek. The combination of J’onn’s powers and Neo’s ability to defeat pretty much any sort of machine, regardless of size, is too much for Brain Damaged Beowulf and is killed by the duo. Over on a large asteroid, Agent X just receive a spear to the throat and a “GET OVER HERE!” from Scorpion. Which he quickly followed it up with a vicious uppercut. Agent X tries to retaliate and quick fires his two guns but Scorpion teleports behind him and hits him again. “COME HERE!” yells Scorpion as he fires his spear into Agent X’s back. Scorpion then pulls his mask off and scorches Agent X with his fire breath, killing him. “Hey Bad Breath! Why don’t you try that on me!” shouts Guy Gardner. The Green Lantern the swoops in and drives a giant green energy lance through Scorpion’s abdomen. Cassandra Nova then uses her vast telepathy abilities to control the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers who attack their teammate, Mechagodzilla, with the Megazord. Mechagodzilla fires his Space Beam and blows a hole through the Megazord. Dormammu then arrives and grows exponentially and blasts Mechagodzilla with an insane amount of magic, which rips through and disrupts all of its circuitry, shutting Mechagodzilla down. The Neutron Space Cruiser then is able to dock with the Ronco X-Space Station for a all out final battle. Jimmy Neutron goes right after the Murderflies’s inventors. He rips a thick power line out of the wall, sneaks up behind Doc Brown and jams it into his back, sending 1.21 Jiggawatts coursing through Doc’s body. Jimmy is then, however, taken down by a well-placed bullet to the brain from Forge. Crash Bandicoot tries his spin attack against Dark Claw, only to receive several fatal stab wounds for his effort. Greedo then shoots first at Colossus, but the blast just bounces off of his organic metal body. Colossus then slams his two fists down, crushing Greedo into green goo. Then in a strange and unfortunate twist of fortune, Scarlet Witch says the words “no more spaceships.” And in that moment the Neutron Space Cruiser and Ronco X-Space Station both vanish. The horrible part is that not everyone was still wearing their space suits. Dozer, Aunt May, Dorf, Suzanne, Bob: Agent of HYDRA and Julie all perished in the emptiness of space. Hydro Man was killed as well since he instantly froze and Sonny shattered him into a million pieces. Yoda leads Agen Kolar, Shaak Ti, Arisia, and Cade Skywalker against Guy Gardner, Kyle Rayner, G’Nort, Shatterstar, and Beatrix Kiddo. G’Nort falls to Shaak Ti’s lightsaber, but his death wasn’t in vain as he saved Guy Gardner from a double team by Shaak Ti and Cade Skywalker. Booster Gold, Hawkman and Hawkwoman fly in to lend some aid to their teammates. Yoda leaps and bounces off several small asteroids and slices the wings of Hawkman and drives his lightsaber into the heart of Hawkwoman. Arisia uses her power ring to blast Beatrix Kiddo and ruptures her space suit, killing her in the process. Cade Skywalker engages Booster Gold, who arrogantly thinks he can defeat the Jedi. Cade rushes Booster, who instinctively puts up his force field. However, Cade’s lightsaber is able to penetrate it, and thus striking down Booster Gold. Brock Samson awakes from his nap and realizes that the space station is no longer there and his bed is floating in space. “Aw goddamn it,” grumbles Brock. He then comes face to face with Martian Manhunter. Brock winds up and hits J’onn square in the jaw and actually knocks him back to the Martian’s surprise. He then serves one right back to Brock, which sends him sailing and smacking into Optimus Prime’s chest. Prime then looks at Brock who is reeling back to punch the much larger Autobot leader and blasts him at point blank range with his rifle, finally killing Brock Samson. “Howard, what are we doing still alive in this battle??” asks Clone Trooper #26, who is hiding behind a big iron pherite formation on an asteroid with Howard the Duck and Jedi Youngling #39. “I’m still trying to figure out why they sent a child out into this battle,” replies Howard the Duck. “Hey ya Bastiches! Stop hidin’ and start fightin’,” shouts a cigar chomping Lobo the Duck. The four of them rush out from behind the rock formation, only to be incinerated by Dormammu. The act draws out Etrigan the Demon, who immediately blows his hellfire breath at Dormammu. “Yeah I’m going to help you on this one “Dormie,” cause I really don’t want to listen to this guy rhyme,” says Loki as he sneaks up behind Etrigan and lops his head off with his sword. “Snoochie boochies!” exclaims Jay and he and Silent Bob leap on top of Sonny and bash his head in with a meteorite. “Damn son, I know he was just a robot be we just kicked his f&$#%& a$$,” says Jay. He then tries to light up a joint and pulls his helmet off, not realizing he needed it to survive. Now completely distraught that his heterosexual life partner is now dead, Silent Bob goes unhinged and kills Metroid #20 and savagely kills tank with Sonny’s leg before Cassandra Nova kills him with but only a thought. Neo and Trinity both rush in and shoot Lorne Michaels, Brak, and Sarah Palin several times with their guns. Neo is then clotheslined down and Trinity is kicked right in the gut by the Scourge O’ the Cosmos, Lobo. He then drops an elbow on Neo as Batgirl attacks Trinity. “You should not have done that,” Neo says in a extremely dry and boring tone. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Lets fight!” replies the Ultimate Bastich. Neo backflips up and flies right at Lobo driving him into the asteroid. Lobo kicks him back and then flings his chained hook at the Chosen One, but Neo dodges it and it takes Zorack’s head off instead. Martian Manhunter flies in and they double-team the Main Man. They both use their super speed to overwhelm Lobo. Neo grabs the chained hook out of Zorak’s carcass and wraps it around Lobo several times. Martian Manhunter then takes the hook and phases it into the center of Lobo’s head. When J’onn releases the hook, it becomes tangible and frags Lobo. Batgirl is actually keeping up with Trinity’s moves, having being trained by the best. But Trinity is just simply too fast for her. After several counters and blocks, Trinity is able to get one shot off, but that’s all she needs. Dark Claw sees this happen and is furious, due to the fact that he had taken Batgirl under his wing. He leaps at Trinity and eviscerates her. “NOOOOO!! TRINITY!” screams Neo, who flies as fast as he can at Dark Claw, hardly even stopping to realize that he has already actually torn right through him. Hellboy sets his eyes on Ajax Major, and cranks him right across the jaw with the Right Hand of Doom. Ajax swings his hammer at Hellboy, but he catches it and crushes it within his large stone hand. Hellboy then pulls out the Samaritan and blows Ajax away at point blank range. “Go go Gadget rocket launcher,” shouts Inspector Gadget as a big rocket shoots out of his hat and targets the leaders of the Murderflies. King Leonidas and General Popeil see this coming, but currently are helpless to stop it. The Green Lanterns are busy with the squad of Yoda led Jedi, but G’Nort, being the loyal dog that he is, uses his ring to push them back out of the way. However this opens him up to Shaak Ti’s lightsaber. Shatterstar and Hellboy then both rush Inspector Gadget and rip him limb from limb. I’m pretty sure I saw Hellboy trying Gadget’s trench coat on after they killed him. The Maxx then jumps in and attacks Ben and Cade Skywalker. The two Skywalkers work together and slays the big purple toothy schizoid. Kyle Rayner and Guy Gardner are both putting up a hell of a fight against five Jedi Masters. Kyle is able to take out Agen Kolar with a flurry of green energy bullets and Guy Gardner overpowers Ki Adi Mundi with a giant green energy mace that knocks Ki Adi into a passing comet. Shazam flies in and gives the Green Lanterns some much-needed assistance. He swoops in behind Ben Skywalker and wraps him in a bear hug, crushing his back. This allows Kyle and Guy to take out Cade Skywalker with a double blast of green energy. Colossus then picks Yoda up and launches him right at Kyle Rayner, with his lightsaber drawn, and in one fell swoop takes the head off of Kyle. Scarlet Witch meanwhile has been busy fighting off Arisia. She finally takes down the Green Lantern by turning her power ring into an princess-cut engagement ring. She then blasts her away with some Chaos magic. The magical forces of Dormammu and Loki however soon overpower her. She tries to defend herself, but combined that are just simply too powerful for her. Colossus sees Hellboy and gives him a double axe-handle to the back of the neck, driving him into the ground. He then puts his knee into Hellboy’s back and pulls up on his head until he hears the pop of his vertebrae. Shatterstar tries to face off against Neo, but when he swing his dual-bladed sword at him, Neo just stops it with his bare hand, snatches it out of Shatterstar’s hand and runs him through with his own weapon. Shazam and Guy Gardner are now both facing the threat of Martian Manhunter, Shaak Ti, Loki, Dormammu, Colossus, Cassandra Nova, and Roller. Guy being the prick that he is, instinctively blows up the easy target of Roller. Neo and Martian Manhunter both fly at Shazam and attack him simultaneously. The moment they are about to hit Shazam he shouts “SHAZAM!” and a lightning bolt shoots down and hits both Martian Manhunter and Neo. This knocks both of them back and gives Shazam a much-needed opening. He flies right after Neo and lights him up with a few more lightning bolts, before he is finally weakened enough for him to snap his neck. Martian Manhunter and Cassandra Nova both use their telepathy powers to take over the mind of Shazam. They have him attack and kill Guy Gardner in an act that I can only describe a brutal and horrific. Then the combined forces of Martian Manhunter, Dormammu, and Loki are able defeat and kill Shazam. Yoda then goes after the Murderflies core leaders. Forge tries to shoot the Jedi Master, but Yoda deflects all of his blasts. He throws his lightsaber into Forge’s chest. He then leaps up onto him as he’s falling and pulls the lightsaber out of him. Jedi Master #20 puts up an almost embarrassing performance against Yoda, as he doesn’t even break stride to end the Jedi’s life. “I knew it would only be a matter of time, before we met Master Yoda,” says King Leonidas. “Worthy adversaries are you,” replies Yoda. “Afraid I am. This battle at an end it is,” says Yoda. “If it is then, I shall meet the end as a Spartan,” Leonidas says as he leaps into the air, sword drawn at the diminutive Jedi Master. Optimus Prime comes driving in fast and transforms, blasting Leonidas out of the air. Yoda then lunges at General Popeil, but Dobby sacrifices himself and takes the lightsaber hit for his teammate. Then the combined forces of the Slaves are just too much for the valiant warrior known as Ron Popeil and he falls defiant until the very end.
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
CRISIS ON INFINITE GENRES!
Week 6
Setting: Huge Grassland (just your typical battlefield folks)
Prize: Unique Star Wars Week
Points: 2500 (yup, that's right; 2500).
-TEAM Vs. The Horsemen of Apokolips (for The Sith Infiltrator)
-Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy (Dooku's ship)
-Better Than All of You Vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (The Outrider)
-Built Ford Tough Vs. The Untouchables (The Malevolence)
-George Washington's Slaves Vs. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (Shuttle Tyderium)
-Le' Napoleon Brigade Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies (Lord Vader's Tie Fighter)
-The Syracuse Valley Vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos (Nubian 327)
-The Abomittrons Vs. Alice's Wonder Team (Naboo Yacht)
Setting: Huge Grassland (just your typical battlefield folks)
Prize: Unique Star Wars Week
Points: 2500 (yup, that's right; 2500).
-TEAM Vs. The Horsemen of Apokolips (for The Sith Infiltrator)
-Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy (Dooku's ship)
-Better Than All of You Vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (The Outrider)
-Built Ford Tough Vs. The Untouchables (The Malevolence)
-George Washington's Slaves Vs. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (Shuttle Tyderium)
-Le' Napoleon Brigade Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies (Lord Vader's Tie Fighter)
-The Syracuse Valley Vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos (Nubian 327)
-The Abomittrons Vs. Alice's Wonder Team (Naboo Yacht)
The Untouchables vs. Alice's Wonder Team
I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 5 Match: The Untouchables vs. Alice’s Wonder Team.
Due to March Madness I fail to have the time to properly listen in the locker rooms, which are located on satellites floating in the Milky Way. I simply observe that:
The Untouchables are Onslaught, Maleficent, Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Megatron, Tomar Tu, Scourge, Sweep #1, Sweep #2, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5 and Karate Kid, (movie) Brawl, Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, Dr. Polaris, The Fantastic 4: Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and The Thing, Slippy Toad in an Arwing, Widget the World Watcher, Space Troopers #1-20, Pounce and Wingspan, The Constructicons: Scrapper, Scavenger, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Hook, and Bonecrusher, The Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Slog, Scowl, and Wildfly, The Protectobots: Hot Spot, Blades, First Aid, Groove, and Streetwise, The Insecticons: Bombshell, Kickback, and Shrapnel, (movie) Bumblebee and Ratchet.
Alice's Wonder Team is Primus, Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy, Alice Clones #1-3, General Zod, Non, Surtur, Joruus C'Baoth, Jorus C'baoth, Artemis, Hyperion, War Machine, Mandarin, Sith Lord #1 & 2 (Darth Deez & Darth Nutz), Conan the Barbarian, The Predi-Alien, (Silver Age) Blue Beetle, SSJ4 Gogeta, Leeloo, Treasure Troll #3, Brawn, (movie) Ratchet, Leech, Borg #1-10, Snapdragon and Crunk, Fat Bastard and Vampire #1.
I transport the teams to a space station:
INSIDE THE STATION:
The Alices make a formidable offensive line. Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy and the Alice Clones #1-3 take the lead for their team. They are met by the Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Slog, Scowl and Wildfly. Before they have an opportunity to combine into Monstructor, the Alices are upon the robots. Extinction Alice takes out Icepick. Apocalypse Alice destroys Scowl. Alice Abernathy kills Birdbrain. Bristleback crushes Alice Clone #1, but suffers enough damage for Extinction Alice to destroy it. Slog kills Alice Clone #2, but soon succumbs to Apocalypse Alice. Finally, Wildfly rips apart Alice Clone #3, but is destroyed by Alice Abernathy. Thus, all Alice Clones #1-3 and Pretender Monsters are gone.
OUTSIDE THE STATION:
Joruus C’baoth and Jorus C’baoth come together, clone and original Jedi, to fight the Insecticons – in insect mode (since it is easier to move in the weightless space, attaching their limbs to the walls and floors). Although weightless, the confident Jedi ignite their lightsabers. Through various flips, the Jedi manage to take out the rhinoceros beetle, Bombshell. The beetle Shrapnel releases its electricity burst which courses through Jorus C’baoth. The original C’baoth is fried to a crisp. Joruus pushes himself toward Shrapnel and slices the weaponry off the Insecticon; he then finishes the job. As Joruus approaches Kickback, the grasshopper robot uses its legs to kick Joruus out of one of the station’s hatches. Both C’baoths are dead.
INSIDE THE STATION:
In one of the larger rooms, Maleficent and Widget the World Watcher are in a fight with Fat Bastard and Conan the Barbarian. Fat Bastard farts in Widget’s general direction. The gas makes Widget a little woozy. While Widget holds his nose, the Scottish tub of goo grabs the little alien and sits on him, crushing the World Watcher. Seeing her little friend die, Maleficent uses her sorcery to blow Fat Bastard to pieces. The Austin Powers villain is splattered across the room’s walls. Conan then rushes at the witch. He stops in his place as Maleficent changes into a large black dragon. Being fully aware of how to defeat a beast such as this, the Cimmerian manages to dodge the flames and kill Maleficent.
OUTSIDE THE STATION:
The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5 and Karate Kid, take on Non together. Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan that should finish the Kryptonian brute. Saturn Girl coordinates her teammates’ attacks with a telepathic meld. Cosmic Boy uses his magnetism powers to piece together portions of the station’s structure into a cage-like device trapping Non. The remaining Legion attacks at the same time. Lightning Lad uses his electrical abilities; Bouncing Boy bounces back and forth between Non and the station’s exterior; Chameleon Boy transforms into a huge beast; Triplicate Girl strikes him with her three selves; Timber Wolf uses his superhuman abilities and claws to slash; Phantom Girl stealthily attack; and Karate Kid uses his martial arts mastery against the Kryptonian. The combined efforts of the entire Legion defeat and kill Non.
Sinestro, Tomar Tu and Dr. Polaris, along with Space Troopers #1-20 are flying about the station, looking for prey. They meet War Machine, Hyperion and the Borg #1-10. Sinestro and Dr. Polaris combine powers to smash War Machine with their version of the ‘Happy Days’ “Malachi Crunch.” Damaged, War Machine falls to the top of the station. The Space Troopers flank War Machine (in both space and on the station’s hull) and take advantage of this situation. They all fire their weapons at the same time. War Machine is killed. The Space Troopers who are on the hull are then swarmed upon by Borg #1-10. Space Troopers #2-14 are killed. Hyperion, with his freezing breath takes out the remaining Space Trooper’s gear, which shatters apart, leaving the Troopers to suffocate. Thus, all Space Troopers #1-20 are dead. At the same time, Sinestro, Tomar Tu and Dr. Polaris manage to take out all of the Borg #1-10.
OUTSIDE/INSIDE THE STATION:
Slippy Toad in an Arwing sees the Sith Lords, who have just defeated the Protectobots. The Arwing’s weapons strafe at the Sith Lords’ location. The Darths manage to avoid the fire and enter into a shuttle’s hatch, to safety. Slippy Toad flies on and sees War Machine. War Machine uses his arsenal of weapons and takes out the Arwing. Slippy Toad ejects and finds his own hatch to the space station’s interior. As he walks down the corridor he is met by Predi-Alien. The monster’s jaw strikes Toad in the face and acid burns his entire body. Slippy Toad dies.
OUTSIDE THE STATION:
A gaggle of Transformers meet one another in a pitched battle. For the Untouchables: Megatron, Scourge, Sweep #1, Sweep #2, (movie) Brawl, Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, and The Constructicons: Scrapper, Scavenger, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Hook, and Bonecrusher, (movie) Bumblebee and Ratchet. For the Wonder Team: Primus, Brawn, (movie) Ratchet, Snapdragon and Crunk. After a pitched battle, the only remaining Transformers are Megatron and the Constructicons (now in Devastator form) for the Untouchables and Primus for the Wonder Team. [For those interested in the entire battle, the following is a recitation of who destroyed who: 1) Brawn destroyed Scourge and Sweep #1; 2) Brawl, Hoist and Inferno destroyed Crunk; 3) Snapdragon destroyed Sweep #2; 4) Brawl (movie) and Elita One destroyed Snapdragon; 5) Huffer, Hoist and Inferno destroyed Brawn; 6) Brawl (movie), Bumblebee (movie) and Ratchet destroyed Ratchet (movie); 7) Primus destroyed Brawl (movie), Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, Bumblebee (movie) and Ratchet]. Thus, as stated before, the only remaining Transformers are Megatron and the Constructicons (now in Devastator form) for the Untouchables and Primus for the Wonder Team. Primus takes a major beating from Megatron and Devastator, but still remains the superior of the Transformers. Primus manages to destroy Devastator (Constructicons). Megatron is taken by Primus in its arms when Primus suddenly shakes. Pieces of Primus are being ripped off the Transformer and Megatron takes advantage of this fact. Primus’ last sight in the match is Onslaught, arms up and smiling. Believe it, or not – Primus is destroyed.
INSIDE THE STATION:
The Predi-Alien and Sith Lords come upon each other and walk the corridors together. They are met by Conan the Barbarian, Treasure Troll #3 and Vampire #1. The six combatants storm the halls together, looking for their enemies. They meet The Fantastic 4: Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and The Thing, along with Pounce (in robotic puma form) and Wingspan (in robotic hawk form). The two teams clash. Pounce quickly dispatches Treasure Troll #3, mauling the little guy to death. Conan the Barbarian is “clobbered” to death by the Thing. Mr. Fantastic wraps himself around the Predi-Alien. The Predi-Alien is used to close combat much to the chagrin of Fantastic. The Predi-Alien’s acid breath and ferocity tear through Mr. Fantastic’s body. The Human Torch then scorches the beast with his shooting fire. The Predi-Alien literally goes up in flames and dies. Vampire #1 focuses on the Invisible Woman and uses his powers to hypnotize the female Four member. As he draws her closer, Wingspan’s beak rips through his chest. Vampire #1 bursts into dust and the Invisible Woman finds her senses again. She then turns invisible. It is now the Sith Lords against The Thing, Human Torch, Invisible Woman, Wingspan and Pounce. Although Darth Deez manages to destroy Pounce and Darth Nutz manages to kill the Invisible Woman (using the Force to see her), they are eventually killed by the sheer odds and numbers against them. Darth Deez and Darth Nutz die.
Most of the teams remaining members come together. Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Tomar Tu, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, & Karate Kid, Dr. Polaris, Human Torch, The Thing, Wingspan, and Kickback fight against Surtur, Artemis, Hyperion, Mandarin, (Silver Age) Blue Beetle, SSJ4 Gogeta, Leeloo and Leech. The Thing fights SSJ4 Gogeta. Although Gogeta has many spectacular martial art moves, he is no match for the brute force of the Thing. Gogeta is killed. Blue Beetle’s high tech equipment manages to destroy the circuitry of Kickback. Wingspan kills Beetle in retaliation for his brethren’s death. The Transformer then shreds Leech with its talons. Artemis, being a hunter, uses her god ability to destroy Wingspan. The Legion of Super Heroes combine their forces and kill Artemis.
Mandarin sees the Human Torch flying in the air. Mandarin uses his ice blast ring to freeze Torch. He then uses his disintegration beam to kill the flaming hero. Mandarin uses his vortex beam ring to fly and is met by Tomar Tu and Sinestro. The skills of the Lanterns dispatch the Mandarin.
THE END SCENE:
Brainiac 5: As I calculated. . . .
Wonder Team’s Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy, Zod, Surtur, Leelo and Hyperion take on Untouchables’ Onslaught, Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Megatron, Tomar Tu, Dr. Polaris, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, Karate Kid and The Thing.
Megatron takes on Surtur. Megatron is badly damaged by the demon’s flaming sword. As Surtur goes in for the death blow, he is disarmed by Tomar Tu and Sinestro. This gives Megatron enough time to destroy the beast with his full firepower. While his strength is ebbing, Hyperion strikes at Megatron and rips through his shell where Surtur previously damaged. Megatron is destroyed.
Dr. Polaris readily defeats and kills Leelo. Polaris then joins Tomar Tu and Sinestro in their fight against Zod. Although Zod takes the brunt of the battle, the Kryptonian is too strong and soon destroys all three. Dr. Polaris, Tomar Tu and Sinestro are dead. He then focuses on his nemeses that have killed his friend Non. Zod manages to kill Saturn Girl, and Triplicate Girl, although now tiring at the effort he has had to put forth for this match.
Onslaught sees the remains of the Megatron, as well as the Transformers which now litter the ground. Onslaught uses his abilities to re-assemble the Transformers into deadly projectiles. Cosmic Boy, joins with Onslaught, and enhances the projectiles magnetic make-up. Lightning Lad then charges the weapons. With a wave of one hand (and the assistance of Cosmic Boy), he lets the multi-charged and magnetic projectiles fly. Although both Hyperion’s and Zod’s super strength would normally defend against such debris, the shrapnel, rips through both Hyperion and Zod. Their bodies fall to the ground.
The Alices stand their ground, knowing they are outmatched, but ready to die for their teammates and to honor the name of their team itself. Apocalypse Alice manages to kill Timber Wolf. Extinction Alice manages to destroy Bouncing Boy. Alice Abernathy manages to kill Karate Kid. All three Alices are tired, but still standing. Onslaught knows he can kill the three with one fell swoop, but decides to let his teammates finish them off. The Thing strikes Alice Abernathy and crushes her skull. Phantom Girl comes upon behind Extinction Alice and begins to choke her. Chameleon Boy, in a monster form (looking from Resident Evil) kills her. Apocalypse Alice remains standing.
Onslaught: Changed my mind. I want to end this myself. [
Onslaught unleashes his full psychic ability at Apocalypse Alice. Her brain becomes mush and she dies.
The Untouchables: Onslaught, Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Phantom Girl, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, and The Thing live.
Alice’s Wonder Team: All Dead.
THE UNTOUCHABLES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!!
Due to March Madness I fail to have the time to properly listen in the locker rooms, which are located on satellites floating in the Milky Way. I simply observe that:
The Untouchables are Onslaught, Maleficent, Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Megatron, Tomar Tu, Scourge, Sweep #1, Sweep #2, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5 and Karate Kid, (movie) Brawl, Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, Dr. Polaris, The Fantastic 4: Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and The Thing, Slippy Toad in an Arwing, Widget the World Watcher, Space Troopers #1-20, Pounce and Wingspan, The Constructicons: Scrapper, Scavenger, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Hook, and Bonecrusher, The Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Slog, Scowl, and Wildfly, The Protectobots: Hot Spot, Blades, First Aid, Groove, and Streetwise, The Insecticons: Bombshell, Kickback, and Shrapnel, (movie) Bumblebee and Ratchet.
Alice's Wonder Team is Primus, Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy, Alice Clones #1-3, General Zod, Non, Surtur, Joruus C'Baoth, Jorus C'baoth, Artemis, Hyperion, War Machine, Mandarin, Sith Lord #1 & 2 (Darth Deez & Darth Nutz), Conan the Barbarian, The Predi-Alien, (Silver Age) Blue Beetle, SSJ4 Gogeta, Leeloo, Treasure Troll #3, Brawn, (movie) Ratchet, Leech, Borg #1-10, Snapdragon and Crunk, Fat Bastard and Vampire #1.
I transport the teams to a space station:
INSIDE THE STATION:
The Alices make a formidable offensive line. Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy and the Alice Clones #1-3 take the lead for their team. They are met by the Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Slog, Scowl and Wildfly. Before they have an opportunity to combine into Monstructor, the Alices are upon the robots. Extinction Alice takes out Icepick. Apocalypse Alice destroys Scowl. Alice Abernathy kills Birdbrain. Bristleback crushes Alice Clone #1, but suffers enough damage for Extinction Alice to destroy it. Slog kills Alice Clone #2, but soon succumbs to Apocalypse Alice. Finally, Wildfly rips apart Alice Clone #3, but is destroyed by Alice Abernathy. Thus, all Alice Clones #1-3 and Pretender Monsters are gone.
OUTSIDE THE STATION:
Joruus C’baoth and Jorus C’baoth come together, clone and original Jedi, to fight the Insecticons – in insect mode (since it is easier to move in the weightless space, attaching their limbs to the walls and floors). Although weightless, the confident Jedi ignite their lightsabers. Through various flips, the Jedi manage to take out the rhinoceros beetle, Bombshell. The beetle Shrapnel releases its electricity burst which courses through Jorus C’baoth. The original C’baoth is fried to a crisp. Joruus pushes himself toward Shrapnel and slices the weaponry off the Insecticon; he then finishes the job. As Joruus approaches Kickback, the grasshopper robot uses its legs to kick Joruus out of one of the station’s hatches. Both C’baoths are dead.
INSIDE THE STATION:
In one of the larger rooms, Maleficent and Widget the World Watcher are in a fight with Fat Bastard and Conan the Barbarian. Fat Bastard farts in Widget’s general direction. The gas makes Widget a little woozy. While Widget holds his nose, the Scottish tub of goo grabs the little alien and sits on him, crushing the World Watcher. Seeing her little friend die, Maleficent uses her sorcery to blow Fat Bastard to pieces. The Austin Powers villain is splattered across the room’s walls. Conan then rushes at the witch. He stops in his place as Maleficent changes into a large black dragon. Being fully aware of how to defeat a beast such as this, the Cimmerian manages to dodge the flames and kill Maleficent.
OUTSIDE THE STATION:
The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5 and Karate Kid, take on Non together. Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan that should finish the Kryptonian brute. Saturn Girl coordinates her teammates’ attacks with a telepathic meld. Cosmic Boy uses his magnetism powers to piece together portions of the station’s structure into a cage-like device trapping Non. The remaining Legion attacks at the same time. Lightning Lad uses his electrical abilities; Bouncing Boy bounces back and forth between Non and the station’s exterior; Chameleon Boy transforms into a huge beast; Triplicate Girl strikes him with her three selves; Timber Wolf uses his superhuman abilities and claws to slash; Phantom Girl stealthily attack; and Karate Kid uses his martial arts mastery against the Kryptonian. The combined efforts of the entire Legion defeat and kill Non.
Sinestro, Tomar Tu and Dr. Polaris, along with Space Troopers #1-20 are flying about the station, looking for prey. They meet War Machine, Hyperion and the Borg #1-10. Sinestro and Dr. Polaris combine powers to smash War Machine with their version of the ‘Happy Days’ “Malachi Crunch.” Damaged, War Machine falls to the top of the station. The Space Troopers flank War Machine (in both space and on the station’s hull) and take advantage of this situation. They all fire their weapons at the same time. War Machine is killed. The Space Troopers who are on the hull are then swarmed upon by Borg #1-10. Space Troopers #2-14 are killed. Hyperion, with his freezing breath takes out the remaining Space Trooper’s gear, which shatters apart, leaving the Troopers to suffocate. Thus, all Space Troopers #1-20 are dead. At the same time, Sinestro, Tomar Tu and Dr. Polaris manage to take out all of the Borg #1-10.
OUTSIDE/INSIDE THE STATION:
Slippy Toad in an Arwing sees the Sith Lords, who have just defeated the Protectobots. The Arwing’s weapons strafe at the Sith Lords’ location. The Darths manage to avoid the fire and enter into a shuttle’s hatch, to safety. Slippy Toad flies on and sees War Machine. War Machine uses his arsenal of weapons and takes out the Arwing. Slippy Toad ejects and finds his own hatch to the space station’s interior. As he walks down the corridor he is met by Predi-Alien. The monster’s jaw strikes Toad in the face and acid burns his entire body. Slippy Toad dies.
OUTSIDE THE STATION:
A gaggle of Transformers meet one another in a pitched battle. For the Untouchables: Megatron, Scourge, Sweep #1, Sweep #2, (movie) Brawl, Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, and The Constructicons: Scrapper, Scavenger, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Hook, and Bonecrusher, (movie) Bumblebee and Ratchet. For the Wonder Team: Primus, Brawn, (movie) Ratchet, Snapdragon and Crunk. After a pitched battle, the only remaining Transformers are Megatron and the Constructicons (now in Devastator form) for the Untouchables and Primus for the Wonder Team. [For those interested in the entire battle, the following is a recitation of who destroyed who: 1) Brawn destroyed Scourge and Sweep #1; 2) Brawl, Hoist and Inferno destroyed Crunk; 3) Snapdragon destroyed Sweep #2; 4) Brawl (movie) and Elita One destroyed Snapdragon; 5) Huffer, Hoist and Inferno destroyed Brawn; 6) Brawl (movie), Bumblebee (movie) and Ratchet destroyed Ratchet (movie); 7) Primus destroyed Brawl (movie), Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, Bumblebee (movie) and Ratchet]. Thus, as stated before, the only remaining Transformers are Megatron and the Constructicons (now in Devastator form) for the Untouchables and Primus for the Wonder Team. Primus takes a major beating from Megatron and Devastator, but still remains the superior of the Transformers. Primus manages to destroy Devastator (Constructicons). Megatron is taken by Primus in its arms when Primus suddenly shakes. Pieces of Primus are being ripped off the Transformer and Megatron takes advantage of this fact. Primus’ last sight in the match is Onslaught, arms up and smiling. Believe it, or not – Primus is destroyed.
INSIDE THE STATION:
The Predi-Alien and Sith Lords come upon each other and walk the corridors together. They are met by Conan the Barbarian, Treasure Troll #3 and Vampire #1. The six combatants storm the halls together, looking for their enemies. They meet The Fantastic 4: Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and The Thing, along with Pounce (in robotic puma form) and Wingspan (in robotic hawk form). The two teams clash. Pounce quickly dispatches Treasure Troll #3, mauling the little guy to death. Conan the Barbarian is “clobbered” to death by the Thing. Mr. Fantastic wraps himself around the Predi-Alien. The Predi-Alien is used to close combat much to the chagrin of Fantastic. The Predi-Alien’s acid breath and ferocity tear through Mr. Fantastic’s body. The Human Torch then scorches the beast with his shooting fire. The Predi-Alien literally goes up in flames and dies. Vampire #1 focuses on the Invisible Woman and uses his powers to hypnotize the female Four member. As he draws her closer, Wingspan’s beak rips through his chest. Vampire #1 bursts into dust and the Invisible Woman finds her senses again. She then turns invisible. It is now the Sith Lords against The Thing, Human Torch, Invisible Woman, Wingspan and Pounce. Although Darth Deez manages to destroy Pounce and Darth Nutz manages to kill the Invisible Woman (using the Force to see her), they are eventually killed by the sheer odds and numbers against them. Darth Deez and Darth Nutz die.
Most of the teams remaining members come together. Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Tomar Tu, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, & Karate Kid, Dr. Polaris, Human Torch, The Thing, Wingspan, and Kickback fight against Surtur, Artemis, Hyperion, Mandarin, (Silver Age) Blue Beetle, SSJ4 Gogeta, Leeloo and Leech. The Thing fights SSJ4 Gogeta. Although Gogeta has many spectacular martial art moves, he is no match for the brute force of the Thing. Gogeta is killed. Blue Beetle’s high tech equipment manages to destroy the circuitry of Kickback. Wingspan kills Beetle in retaliation for his brethren’s death. The Transformer then shreds Leech with its talons. Artemis, being a hunter, uses her god ability to destroy Wingspan. The Legion of Super Heroes combine their forces and kill Artemis.
Mandarin sees the Human Torch flying in the air. Mandarin uses his ice blast ring to freeze Torch. He then uses his disintegration beam to kill the flaming hero. Mandarin uses his vortex beam ring to fly and is met by Tomar Tu and Sinestro. The skills of the Lanterns dispatch the Mandarin.
THE END SCENE:
Brainiac 5: As I calculated. . . .
Wonder Team’s Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy, Zod, Surtur, Leelo and Hyperion take on Untouchables’ Onslaught, Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Megatron, Tomar Tu, Dr. Polaris, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, Karate Kid and The Thing.
Megatron takes on Surtur. Megatron is badly damaged by the demon’s flaming sword. As Surtur goes in for the death blow, he is disarmed by Tomar Tu and Sinestro. This gives Megatron enough time to destroy the beast with his full firepower. While his strength is ebbing, Hyperion strikes at Megatron and rips through his shell where Surtur previously damaged. Megatron is destroyed.
Dr. Polaris readily defeats and kills Leelo. Polaris then joins Tomar Tu and Sinestro in their fight against Zod. Although Zod takes the brunt of the battle, the Kryptonian is too strong and soon destroys all three. Dr. Polaris, Tomar Tu and Sinestro are dead. He then focuses on his nemeses that have killed his friend Non. Zod manages to kill Saturn Girl, and Triplicate Girl, although now tiring at the effort he has had to put forth for this match.
Onslaught sees the remains of the Megatron, as well as the Transformers which now litter the ground. Onslaught uses his abilities to re-assemble the Transformers into deadly projectiles. Cosmic Boy, joins with Onslaught, and enhances the projectiles magnetic make-up. Lightning Lad then charges the weapons. With a wave of one hand (and the assistance of Cosmic Boy), he lets the multi-charged and magnetic projectiles fly. Although both Hyperion’s and Zod’s super strength would normally defend against such debris, the shrapnel, rips through both Hyperion and Zod. Their bodies fall to the ground.
The Alices stand their ground, knowing they are outmatched, but ready to die for their teammates and to honor the name of their team itself. Apocalypse Alice manages to kill Timber Wolf. Extinction Alice manages to destroy Bouncing Boy. Alice Abernathy manages to kill Karate Kid. All three Alices are tired, but still standing. Onslaught knows he can kill the three with one fell swoop, but decides to let his teammates finish them off. The Thing strikes Alice Abernathy and crushes her skull. Phantom Girl comes upon behind Extinction Alice and begins to choke her. Chameleon Boy, in a monster form (looking from Resident Evil) kills her. Apocalypse Alice remains standing.
Onslaught: Changed my mind. I want to end this myself. [
Onslaught unleashes his full psychic ability at Apocalypse Alice. Her brain becomes mush and she dies.
The Untouchables: Onslaught, Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Phantom Girl, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, and The Thing live.
Alice’s Wonder Team: All Dead.
THE UNTOUCHABLES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!!
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