S7W2: The Empire vs The Sisterhood of Traveling Midgets

The Empire is:

Silver Surfer, White Lantern Swamp Thing, Sy-Klone, Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner (w/ full spectrum of rings), Frog Man, Throg, Riptide, Harpoon, Hannibal King, Wartole, Blastois, Danger Duck & Cindel Towani (w/ Star Wand).

The Midgets are:

Qwsp, Charybidis, Namora, Namorita, Seaspray, Salacious B. Crumb, Blue Toad (w/ a Yoshi Egg), Yellow Toad, Squirtle & Sharkticon #33-38.

The Emipre is dropped into the sea from, lets say, 50 feet.  Why? Because I want to watch that little girl who was raised by ewoks scream for a while.  Most of the team has no problem with the drop.  But as suspected, the fall stuns the young Cindel Towani as she screams like a little girl (oh, wait) and with a loud smack, hits the surface. She thrashes uncontrollably for a moment until the water goes still and claims her life.

More screams of pain are heard as Hannibal King struggles with the bright sunlight from above.  WL Swamp thing hurries to form a makeshift shelter for his teammate by commanding the lilypads and seaweed to hover over his head.

Meanwhile, The Midgets are gently placed in the water ever so carefully.  The team is organized and instantly the Sharkticons take off toward the scattered Empire.  Seaspray is in boat form and Squirtle, Yellow and Blue Toad and Salacious B. Crumb climb on top.  Seaspray speeds toward the Empire’s Pokemon who will hopefully be easy pickings for his tiny crew.  Wartole and Blastois are trying to fend off an attack from Sharkticon #33 first.  Blastois is successful at killing the robot as it devours his friend.  Seaspray runs over the rocket toting turtle and he lands on the deck of the autobot after being kicked up in the wake.  Blue and Yellow Toad take turns jumping on his head while Squirtle rips the rocket launcher from his back.  Salacious just laughs, “AAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA”.  Yellow toad rolls the now unconscious Blastois into the water where he quickly sinks and drowns in his sleep.

“Sweet!” Says Squirtle, “now I got a rocket launcher!”

Silver Surfer and FS Kyle Rayner (projecting his own board using his rings) are having a fun time surfing together in the waves caused by Seaspray. “Should we help out?” asks Rayner to his pal.

“Naw,” Replies the Surfer, “I’m sure they can handle this.”

Back in the fight, The Empire continues to take a pounding.  Frog Man leaps and with a long stretch of his tongue, devours the mighty Qwsp as his lunch.  The tiny imp does not sit well with him and he pukes up his meal like a prom queen at McDonald’s.  As everyone knows, Sharkticons love vomit.  Attracted to the scent, Sharkticons 35 and 36 kill the Frog Man together as they fight for his delicious bile.  Sy-Klone swims at the two sharks and, spinning his arms rapidly, is able to pound the pair until they are rendered useless.  Namora moves in to engage Sy-Klone and they are locked in a fierce battle.  Sy-Klone decides to start swimming circles around her with his arms in the air to distract her.  

“Guess what I’m using as a propeller baby!”  Says the Masters hero.

Enticed by his spinning member, Charbidis comes up from the depths to drag Sy-Klone down to his death.  The distraction appears to have worked because Hannibal King is able to get a shot off from his pistol as he has moved his little plant hut close enough to put an incendiary bullet into her neck.  Before she dies and sinks, she lunges at the vampire and breaks his nose.  She tears away the plants protecting him from the sun and the last sound she hears is him bursting into flames in the open water.

WL Swamp thing has taken to the depths with Riptide to take out Charbidis.  Swampy commands the seaweed to wrap around the monster like a straight jacket.  Riptide then creates a cyclone of water to launch the monster clear out of the water and he dies on some rocks or something.  I didn’t notice where he landed because right then Namorita comes up behind Swamp Thing and grabs him around the face and neck killing him with the corrosive acid from her hands.  Riptide turns and only sees his dead teammate as Namorita has changed her skin to camouflage herself with the ocean floor.  As he goes to swim toward the surface she drags him back under and flings him into the awaiting open maw of Sharkticon #38.

Danger Duck starts to shoot some of his power orb eggs at the oncoming Seaspray.  The eggs turn into some big wooden barrels which cause the Transformer to thrash and turn sharply as he tries to avoid the debris.  This sends Yellow Toad overboard and Danger Duck is quickly able to run a fist into his soft skull.  Seaspray is circling around for another pass and as Danger Duck begins to shoot more eggs, Blue Toad drops his Yoshii Egg and out pops the iconic dinosaur (dragon?).  Yoshii gobbles up the first egg that comes their way and fires it back at Danger Duck just as it turns into an Acme brand anvil.  The anvil stuns the Duck and he is eaten by the passing Sharkticon #37 who is also now out of commision as his jaw breaks off when he clamps down on the anvil.

Sharkticon #38 emerges after devouring Riptide and gets a harpoon to the eye from… you guessed it… Harpoon.  Harpoon then shoots several electrically charged harpoons into the side of the passing Seaspray.  This shuts down his mechanical systems and he is unable to transform into dude form or whatever its called.  The electricity shocks the hull of the ship and the volts are too much for Blue Toad who is now lightly toasted.  Squirtle returns fire with his new found rocket launcher at Harpoon and turns him into a red mist.  Throg lands on the deck and blasts Crumb in the face with his tiny little hammer turning it into mush.  Throg then goes to work on the brain of Seaspray and with half a dozen smashes, the autobot is no more and begins to sink.  Squirtle takes another shot and the explosion sends both him and Throg into the water.  Sharkticon #34 is waiting and proceeds to gobble up the frog god.

“Think we should go help them now?” Rayner asks Silver Surfer

“I suppose,” replies the Surfer. “But the blue crush is wicked awesome today!”

Kyle Rayner flies toward Namorita who is now hoisting the tiny Pokemon on her shoulders.  He is firing off shots that are being easily deflected.

“Sorry little guy,” says Namorita “but I gotta do this.  Wait as long as you can to fire.”  She then launches Squirtle and both him and Rayner are now in a game of chicken.  Squirtle fires his last rocket just as Rayner is about to run him over.  The blast obviously kills Squirtle and Rayner is stunned.  He looks around to get his bearings and Sharkticon #34 lunges at the lantern and is feasting on his arm.  Rayner is able to get a blast of energy off but is not able to shake the robot remains from his arm off fast enough.  Rayner looks up to see Namorita, who has taken flight above him, bearing down and she finishes him off with a punch in the top of his head.

Namorita looks for her last opponent and sees the Silver Surfer floating on the water about 25 yards out.  She is about to take off after him when she notices he is not standing on his board.

She sighs to herself, “OH SH--”

s7w2- Team SP vs Griswold's Nut-Busters

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Dolphin, Black Manta, Aquagirl, Aspen, The Sea Captain (Watchmen), Obi-Wan Kenobi's Spirit, Mt Dew Transformer, Namor with Trident, Navy #2-5, Captain Nemo and Nautilus, Psycho Pirate, Tunnel Rat with Swift Boat and Ash.

Griswold's Nut-Busters are: Doomsday, Sharkticon #1-10, Skrull #1 and Little Goomba #20

From the Diary of the Sea Captian:

It's funny the things that stay with you, out here floating amongst the wreckage. How the very life you were so frantically fighting to save not moments before, seems like such a burden as you float along. Not knowing when or if you'll be saved. When you'll be able to drink fresh water or have something decent to eat. Not have to drink your own urine to survive, or have to eat the flesh of someone you once called a teammate.

The biggest thing is how fast everything blurs. The feeding frenzy of robotic sharks, hopped up on the caffeinated blood of another of their kind devouring all they came into contact with. Kings of the sea fighting valiantly against the metal monsters, slaying some, but ultimately being overwhelmed. Seeing bits of a swift boat and it's captain float by in pieces, greedily eaten by the massive metal carnivores from Cybertron. The frantic cries as all the firepower the Nautilus contains is desperately unloaded as we try to assist our friends out there, hoping our efforts aren't for naught. The fury in the eyes of Capt. Nemo as he overhears an ill timed joke about "The Dew getting done..for."

The biggest thing I remember, is that screeching of metal as the Nautilus is torn open by these massive greay, bony fists. And the roar... The FURIOUS ROAR as the monster known as Doomsday shatters our protection from the chaos outside and brings it roaring in along with the waters. Not knowing whether it was water of blood hitting you as you run as fast as you can, but knowing that there's ultimately no escape. No hope.

Until you hear nothing. The screams stop. The pounding of the monster as he stalks and destroys ceases. The water rises, but the rage inside Doomsday seems to have ebbed.  I look and see the Psycho Pirate, pushing himself to the extremes of his powers as he tell the beast to relax and feel peace. Calm.  He's projecting so hard, that even I can feel the effects, which is why I don't cry out to warn of the approaching Skrull. It takes a moment for me to comprehend what's transpired. My peace and tranquility is shattered not by the death of Psycho Pirate, but at the pain and RAGE at Doomsday as what could be the first taste of serenity is violently torn away from it. He pulps the Skrull offender, regardless of allegiances, and turns to me. I brace for the end, but the light I prepare to see seems blue and shimmery. I swear the beast mutters "RUN" to me when I'm hit by a might blast of air that sends me out of immediate danger. Doomsday seems to be at war with himself, struggling with some invisible foe. I make my way to the escape hatch by some miracle, and flee. Grateful for the time for my meager existence, but knowing  the price for such a gift is ultimately cowardice.

I float here now with nothing. Nothing expect the knowledge that I am no hero. I'm no champion. What I am is simply the fastest, smartest, coward out in the seas today. It wasn't a mighty battleplan I oversaw that led me here. It's simply, dumb luck. I try to take some solace in the fact that my torture should be over soon. I call out to those called the "Watchers" begging them to end my toil. I've danced their dance. I've played their bloodthirsty game. I'm not proud of the things I've had to do, but I've done what I needed. Please. PLEASE. Just make it stop. Pluck me from the endless ocean. Strike me down if you must, but please. Please just don't let me remain here with nothing but the harsh truth that I'm no Captain. I'm just a lowly sea rat scurrying about for whatever crumbs he can find.


Please. I deserve better than this. Don't let this world destroy me any further. Don''t let ME destroy me any further.

Season 7, Week 2 Match: TEAM v. Layanderlet's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

“Sail away, sail away, sail away.”

-Enya [Orinoco Flow]

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 2 Match located at the waters of Usul’s homeworld.  They are as follows:

TEAM: Justice Legion Alpha Aquaman, Aqua-Mariner, Emerald Weapon, Sin (Final Fantasy X), Ulmo, Osmosis Jones, Zilla and Supergirl (Linda Danvers).

Layanderlet’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family: Aquaman (Kingdom Come), The Crew of Sea Quest – Captain Nathan Bridger, Lucas Wolenczak, Dr. Kristin Westphalen, Commander Jonathan Ford, Lt. Benjamin Krieg, Chief Manilow Crocker, Lt. Tim O' Neill, Lt. James Brody, Dagwood and Seaman Anthony Piccolo with Kyle Houslander and Zachary Houslander with Yoshi Egg on the SeaQuest DSV, Darwin the Dolphin; Shark Boy, Black Lantern Hydro-Man, Patrick Star, Eugene H. Krabs, Seaworm #7 and Sharkticons #21-26.

TEAM’s locker room. . .

Osmosis Jones (looking at Supergirl):  We were so poor, we lived off peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?  

Supergirl: Can’t say I have, Jones.

Layanderlet’s locker room. . .

Nathan Bridger (looking at Lucas Wolenczak and cupping Wolenczak’s face with both hands):  I look into your eyes and see the man you will become today.  . . .  

Lucas Wolenczak:  Thank you, sir.  I truly appreciate that sentiment.

Bridger:  No Lucas, thank you.

THE CLAXON ECHOES AND THE TEAMS ENTER INTO THE WATERS.

Let the match begin. . .

Aboard the SeaQuest DSV. . .

Bridger holds hands with Wolenczak and looks down into the shuttle bay’s waters at Darwin the Dolphin.  The dolphin tips its head and chirps at its teammates. 

Bridger:  You know what to do Darwin.  Take the explosives strapped to your bag, release it and escape.  Placement is essential.

Darwin clicks and clacks.  The dolphin swims away. Bridger looks to Wolenczak.

Bridger:  I hope that the bomb takes out a large part of their team.  The bomb is incredibly strong. . . just like you young lad. . .

Bridger smiles, puts his arm around his compatriot and strolls away.

In the waters. . .

As Darwin swims away from the vessel, he spots a little blue figure swimming toward Patrick Star and Eugene H. Krabs.  It is Osmosis Jones. 

Jones (toward Star and Krabs): In the words of the immortal James Brown - GET DOWN!

Patrick Star:  Wow!  Look at the blue guy!

Eugene H. Krabs:  It’s Osmosis Jones!  Watch your bowels!  He will rip your intestines apart more than a Krusty Burger!!!

Jones is just about to reach Star and Krabs when Darwin swims to the scene.  The dolphin strategically catches Jones in its teeth and bites down, crunching the Layanderlet between its molars.  Osmosis Jones is ripped apart before he is able to enter into the stomach of Darwin.

Krabs: Thanks, Darwin!!!

Star:  I like big fishie!!!

As Darwin swims away, the Nickelodeon characters notice a shadow looming above.  They both look up in unison to see a gigantic reptilian foot.

Krabs:  Oh fudge!  Out of the frying pan. . .

Zilla’s foot obliterates both Patrick Star and Eugene H. Krabs into the sandy bottom.  Zilla focuses on Seaworm #7.  Although the Dune monstrosity is immensely larger than Zilla, Zilla pushes up from the bottom and lands on the beast’s back.  Zilla’s maw tears at the worm.  Huge chunks are ripped off the worm, bloodying the waters around the monsters.  As Zilla is about to sink his teeth into the worm again, it is attacked by Sharkticons #21-26.  The whale-like beast Sin swims to the skirmish.  The behemoths battle to a near standstill, but Sharkticon #21 is destroyed in the initial melee.  Zilla and Sin work together in destroying Seaworm #7, while also defending themselves against the snapping Sharkticons.  The damage suffered by the Final Fantasy X character is too great, as Sin dies and begins to float to the water’s surface.  With Sin though, comes the destruction of Sharkticons #22 and 24.  Zilla, weakened at the intensity of the battle, also perishes, taking with it Sharkticons #23 and 25.  Sharkticon #26 remains swimming, but for mere seconds as Ulmo, the Lord of Waters, crushes it by manipulating the pressure surrounding the Transformer. 

Across the waters, Aqua-Mariner notices Darwin swimming toward TEAM’s locker room and races toward the sea mammal.

Aboard the SeaQuest. . .

Kyle and Zachary Houslander look out a portal spaced near the ship’s bridge.  The two see the head of a dolphin slowly rise to the window.

Kyle:  Look, Zack!  It’s Darwin!

Darwin’s head slowly floats upward sans the rest of the dolphin’s body.  The two Houslanders scream and run toward the bridge. The two fail to notice that the head is actually on the tip of Aqua-Mariner’s trident.  

In the waters. . .

Justice Legion Alpha Aquaman spots Shark Boy.  The King of the oceanic planet, Neptune, ironically uses his psionic ability to dehydrate the young man.  Shark Boy shrivels up and his desiccated husk floats to the surface.  Aquaman (Kingdom Come) swims toward JLA2.  The two begin an intense fight.  As KCA is about to gain the upper hand against JLA2, Aqua-Mariner joins the fight.  The three becomes involved in an intense and pitched battle.  Eventually, KCA kills JLA2, but dies at the hands of Aqua-Mariner.    At the end of the fight, Aqua-Mariner gives a bag to Supergirl, who has flown into the water after receiving a signal from her teammate.

Aboard the SeaQuest. . .

Supergirl flies from the waters of the shuttle bay into the submarine.  She is met by Commander Jonathan Ford, Lt. Benjamin Krieg, Chief Manilow Crocker, Lt. Tim O' Neill and Lt. James Brody.  The five seamen begin to fire weapons at Supergirl, who easily either avoids, or deflects the projectiles.  It is only a matter of minutes before the SeaQuest crew dies.  Dagwood, who has been watching over the submarine from its outside, springs from the waters and holds onto Supergirl.  Before Supergirl throws the super soldier off of her, Black Lantern Hydroman also appears from the waters.  BL Hydroman flies toward the fallen angel and Dagwood is killed as BL Hydroman crushes him while racing toward Supergirl.   The two battle and BL Hydroman manages to rip Supergirl’s heart out.   Ulmo uses the same opening utilized by Dagwood and BL Hydroman to enter the ship.  Ulmo easily dispatches BL Hydroman and then picks up the bag dropped by Danvers.  Ulmo places the bag in the middle of the submarine without incident and leaves the ship. 

SeaQuest bridge. . .

The remaining SeaQuest crew looks at the Emerald Weapon through the bridge’s lens.  The Emerald Weapon spots the enemy and uses his Aire Tam Storm Attack.  Simultaneously the bomb, once possessed by Darwin, explodes.  The ship is sinking and sinking fast.   

Bridger looks to young Wolenczak and the Houslanders. 

Bridger:  Piccolo!!!  Get them to a submersible!!!

Bridger: I LOVE YOU LUCAS!!!!

Wolenczak smiles at Bridger and joins the Houslanders, with Piccolo in the lead toward a submersible.

Westphalen:  I always wondered why you chose him over me, Nathan.

Bridger:  Do you really have to ask?

The SeaQuest DSV implodes and all still aboard perishes. 

Water’s surface. . .

Wolenczak and the Houslanders peak their heads out of the submersible. 

Wolenczak:  We’re the only survivors.

Kyle Houslander:  . . . along with this. . .

The Houslanders look in the pod at their Yoshi Egg.

Zack: . . . for another day.

 

Season 7 Week 2: Slaves vs. Horsemen

George Washington's Slaves are: S.U.R.F.(Sharkskin, Eel, Undertow), Xorn, Santa and his 9 reindeer, Cap't Crunch in submarine, Hydra, Jaws 2, Tigersharks(Mako, Lorca, Waltro, Dolph, Octavia, Angel, and Dogfish), LMD #2, Family Guy: Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin w/throwing knives, Stewie w/Green Lantern ring, Meg Griffin, Chris Griffin, and Brian Griffin on Hovercraft.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are: Percy Jackson w/trident, Snowflame, Seaworms #1-6, Seacons(Nautilator, Overbite, Seawing, Skalor, Snaptrap, and Tentikill. Merge to form Piranacon.)

Snowflake swims rapidly though the almost endless seas of the planet Caladan en route to a hovercraft carrying the Griffin family. Except for Meg, who was thrown overboard to conserve fuel. Snowflake climbs aboard and laughs maniacally. "TIIIIIIME TO DIIIIIEEEEE!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" he screams. "Easy buddy. Wow, this is more awkward than the time The Tigersharks met The Seacons." says Peter Griffin.

"There's one of 'em." says Waldo as he spies on Nautilator. "Derp." repeats Nautilator as he repeatedly hits the sea floor. "What is he doing?" asks Angel. "Does it matter? Our mission is to kill any Seacon we find so that they can't form Piranacon." says Dolph. Okay, let's do this." orders Mako. The Tigersharks surround an unaware Nautilator. "I'm sorry guys, but I gotta know what's up with this guy." Says Lorca. "Hey! You! Seacon! What in Poseidon's name are you doing?" he asks. "Huh? Oh! Hi everybody!" exclaims Nautilator. "I think I'm on a secret mission. The other guys told me to pound sand, so that's what I'm gonna do! See? I'm a team-player! Right?" says an excited Nautilator before he begins to club the sea floor again. "Wow, that poor guy." comments Octavia. "Yeah, I feel kinda bad having to do this. Hasn't he been through enough?" adds Dogfish. "I don't like this either, but we have to..." begins Mako before Jaws 2 comes from nowhere to trash Nautilator. It proceeds to attack the nearby Seacons, but they just combined into Piranacon. It kills the great white shark easily, and sets it's sights on The Tigersharks. "No... I thought they couldn't combine without Nautilator." Says Waldo. "Looks like we got some bad intel. Swim for it!" yells Mako. The Tigersharks valiently try to avoid the giant Transformer, but are simply overpowered and fall in short order.

"AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!! WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!?" screams Snowflame. "It's a cutaway gag." explains Peter. "We do it all the time, it's not really a big deal." adds Lois. "Yes. ALL. THE. TIME." admits Stewie. "Yes, it is an overused gag, kinda like that time Xorn ran into Seaworm #3."

With a steely resolve, Xorn allows himself to be eaten by Seaworm #3, and makes the star in his head explode. KAAAAAA-BOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!

"Stop that! You're freaking me out, man...." threatens Snowflame before he pulps Chris Griffin's head with a punch. "C'mon fella, no need to get crazy, like that one time S.U.R.F. did..." says Peter.

Sharkskin, Eel, and Undertow are doing their best to outrun Seaworm #4, but it is gaining ground. "We're done for!" yells Eel. "Just keep swimming! Stick to the plan!" orders Sharkskin. They continue swimming, but the giant Seaworm #4 is on their tail. Almost... almost... I think we made it." says Undertow cautiously. "I sure hope so..." says Sharkskin as the Seaworm eats them all whole. The highly territorial Seaworm #1 notices the trespasser, and it's on. Seaworm #1 is not undamaged, but is ultimately victorious over Seaworm #4.

A jittery Snowflame drops to his knees and quickly finishes off a line, then destroys Lois Griffin with a series of vicious strikes. "I told you to stop with the flashbacks!!!" screams an angry Snowflame. "Sorry pal, it just happens whenever I make a reference." says Peter. "I can't stop it. Kind of like when Percy Jackson met the Hydra."

Despite having water all around him, Percy Jackson can't finish off the Hydra. It takes a good chunk out of the young demi-god before Piranacon arrives to even the odds. "Hurry up! Cut off the heads then cauterize the wounds!" yells a pained Percy. The Decepticon quickly dispatches the Hydra in said fashion, and it is no more. A badly injured Percy Jackson is healing slowly but surely, and begins a labored swim toward a nearby shore.

Snowflame trembles and looks around nervously. "Sigh, I guess I'll take this one." says Brian while walking to Snowflame. "Thanks, Brian. You always were a good dog." compliments Peter. Brian takes the inevitable beating from an agitaited and confused Snowflame. "Huh... Sure is going to be lonely at Christmas this year. Oh! I wonder what Santa's been up to?" ponders Peter.

Santa and his reindeer are flying overhead while Cap't crunch is below in his submarine. "Time to deliver the presents! Are you ready Crunch?" asks Santa. "Good to go Santa. Stay crunchy." responds the Cap't as he ends the comunication. A couple of well placed torpedoes from Crunch's sub make Piranacon disassemble to it's component robots. "Ahhhh.... Now i recognize you guys." Says Santa to the Seacons. "Ol Christmastime in the eighties! What a glorious era! Time for you Decepticons to go where you belong!" laughs Santa as the robots transform into toys and magically fly into Santa's sack. Santa looks to the sea and sees that Crunch's battle against Seaworm #5 is not going as well as it could be. The submarine's torpedoes have little effect on the massive Seaworm #5. "Hang on Crunch!" yells Santa, but he is stopped by the voracious Sandworm #2 as it has just swallowed up the reindeer. Santa bails from his sleigh with his sack in tow, while Seaworm #2 opens it's mouth to consume a seemingly helpless Santa. Santa smiles as he falls. "Good thing I know what lil Chris Artrip wants for Christmas!" He says as he pulls a vial from his magic sack. No... the other one. "Seaworm poison, you son of a..." says Santa while he is swallowed whole. Seaworm #2 shortly convulses and dies from the magic poison. Cap't Crunch sees Santa fall, and knows he needs to resort to desparate measures. He sabotages the nuclear reactor and steers the submarine directly at Seaworm #5 before abandoning ship. Seaworm #5 takes the bait and eats the explosive treat as the Cap't makes an escape to a nearby atoll. The submarine's reactor eventually explodes and Seaworm #5 goes with it. Cap't Crunch uses his trident to help himself to his feet and sees a newly arrived Percy Jackson do the same with his own trident. "I knew you'd be here! This atoll is the greatest source of Crunchberries on this world. Luckily, I'm here to protect them. Your plundering of natural resources end today, old man!" says Percy as he readies his trident. "Ah... You're a smart one. You're the only one on your team to see my true purpose. Impressive, but now you must die. Nothing will stop my obsession with quality cereal! Have at thee!!!" screams the enraged Cap't. He throws his trident at Percy, but Jackson dodges the projectile and runs Cap't Crunch through. "It ends here, Crunch." says Percy sternly as the Cap't dies on the end of his trident. Suddenly, three pointed prongs emerge from Jackson's chest. "It does end... for you." Says the true Cap't Crunch. As he dies, Percy Jackson sees the LMD Cap't Crunch begin to smoke from the damage. Horatio Magellan Crunch slides the body of Percy Jackson off of his mighty trident, then plots to gather the abundant supply of Crunchberries.

"AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!! We're back?!?" says a cringing Snowflame. "Ugh, guess, I'm next, huh?" asks Stewie. Peter and Snowflame nod in unison. "Eh, no biggie. I was kind of getting bored anyways." reasons Stewie before he takes a lethal beating from a strung out Snowflame. Snowflame looks at Peter and has an idea. "So, fat man... you can take us anywhere so long as you make a reference to it?" asks a fidgety Snowflame. "Well, I never thought of it that way, but I guess so." answers Peter. Snowflame grabs Peter by the collar. "Well C'mon man!!! Tell me about the drugs!!! Tell me about ALL the drugs!!!!" he yells excitedly."Well, there was that time at Woodstock." says Peter. They are transported to the legendary concert and Snowflame consumes any and all cocaine in sight. The pair return from the cut-away gag and Snowflame is peaking. "YEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!! MOOOOOORREEEE!!!!" demands Snowflame. "Um, there was this one time in college..." remembers Peter. Again, Snowflame furiously tears into all coke in sight. They continue to visit flashbacks and eventually garner the attention of Seaworm #1. Peter and Snowflame reappear in time to see Seaworm #1 bearing down on them. "TAKE US SOMEWHERE!!! ANYWHERE!!!" begs Snowflame. "Whoa, chill out. I'm not very good under pressure.... gimme a minute." says Peter. "Oh... Um... I got it... No I don't... Wait... Now I do! This reminds me of that time we got eaten by Seaworm #1. ... Oh crap..." says Peter as Seaworm #1 consumes them all, including the hovercraft. Seaworm #1 instantly dies from ingesting Snowflame, due to the unworldly amount of cocaine in his system.

The Personal Diary of Horatio Magellan Crunch: Day 2:
I have gathered the remaining Crunchberries from the atoll and the haul is quite plentiful. I am saddened than my teammates could not be here to enjoy the celebration, but I take solace in the fact that their sacrifices were not in vain. My transport should be arriving shortly.

Day 3:
Damn these old eyes of mine for they have failed me! An unnoticed Worm of the Sea #6 has made it's arrival. It seems eager to test my mettle, and i shall not leave it wanting. It shall indeed test my metal, by way of my mighty trident! I have fight still in me, and it shall no longer disrespect my honor! HAVE AT THEE!!!

 

The Royal Highness Vs. Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors

The Royal Highness is The Deep Six: Attuma, Nagal, Orka, Piranha, Sea Urchin, and Tiger Shark, Naga, Princess Ariel, Supergirl (Matrix), and Q-2, Lex Luthor, Ninja Pirate #1-2, Paula Dean, and Doozer #3 in The Lusitania

Mitchy’s Luminous Tentacle Warriors are Poseidon, Triton, Killer Croc, Shark w/ Freakin Laser Beams #1-3, Woodstock, Opee Sea Killer #9, Sharkticon #12, Baxter the Dog, The Monkguin, (Kingdom Come) Menagerie, Toadette, and Navy Sailor #51 w/ a Yoshi Egg.


Sup Biiit&*es it’s the Pogester here coming straight from my living room, with a fresh can of Busch Signature (it’s called quality “G”). We got a pretty sweet match-up for ya today with two pretty wicked awesome water squads (to be honest I kinda prefer the slam dunks (less work) but Ol’ Joshatu the Prima Donna got that one this week, so I’m stuck with this tough one (bummer)). So I’m just going to kind of observe this one from my nifty little Subterranean Caladanian Submarine… Oh wait, I already said I was in my living room didn’t I?? Screw it, I’m just gonna write this thing already.

While most of The Tentacle Warriors Squad is deep below the surface, preparing for battle, Baxter the Dog, The Mighty Monkguin (mascot of the amazing Detroit Groudy Radio), Toadette, and Navy Sailor #51 (riding on his freshly hatched Yoshi (it grew to full size once it quickly ate five fish), are swimming on the top of the gorgeous Caladan waters where a casual conversation erupts. “Dudes, this is a pretty sweet water squad” says Toadette to the rest of the crew. The Monkguin responds with: “Yeah, dude it is pretty rad but we shouldn’t be too cocky. We are about to go up against The Highness. They are the conference champions from last year, and they won the optional tournament during the off-season. Plus, you know they brought the pain after their loss to the WASH-UPS last week”. “You mean TEAM right”? Says Toadette. “Everybody knows what I mean” says The Monkguin.

As this conversation ends and the match begins, everything gets jacked up RIGHT Away. Poseidon decides to throw a monkey wrench into play right off the bat by conjuring up a tidal wave that puts anything in any Russell Crowe movie to shame. The Lusitania instantly capsizes, going under and royally pissing off The Highness. Poseidon’s main objective in this was to take Supergirl and Lex Luthor down into the water and fight them in his own turf; but he finds that Q-2 has blockaded the god of the Sea and is going to make it so he has to go through the Q Continuum Member first. The Deep Six stick together to move towards the lesser god of the Sea Triton; but Triton keeps Killer Croc and The Sharks with Freakin Laser Beams close to lend him a hand. Naga swims up to the biggest goober fish he has ever seen, while The Little Mermaid jovially swims toward the not-so-bright Sharkticon #12. The Ninja Pirates scream “ARRGH” as they attempt to commandeer The Navy Sailor’s pet Yoshi out from under him. The Doozer grabs onto the back of Baxter the Dog, more to keep from drowning than to attack, while Menagerie attempts to begin the attack on Supergirl and Lex while his captain Poseidon is dealing with Q-2.

Now that we know who is screwin around with whom, let’s see who wins the skirmishes and get back to watching some March Madness!!...

Q-2 analyzes the situation between the two teams as well as the brain of the brother of Zeus, Poseidon. Q-2 comes to the conclusion that although his advanced brain is more advanced than that of an ancient god; he comes to the logical conclusion that even he cannot stop two sea gods while in the water. The Next Generation version of Q allows his own death once he decides that that should be so. As Poseidon moves towards his original target of Lex and Supergirl, Menagerie has turned into some sort Kraken like monster and managed to swallow Lex whole. The only problem with that was that after he took a punch from Supergirl, it ignited the core reactor in Luthor’s battle suit blowing Menagerie to pieces. But only seconds after this punch, Poseidon swims in at lightning fast speed and attacks Supergirl. The shape-shifting version of Supergirl and Poseidon trade punches in a pitched battle that would have had Becks defecating himself. Supergirl sends an alien kick into Poseidon’s Trident, breaking it in two; but Poseidon rolls with the attack and uses the two broken parts of his weapon to stab Supergirl in the neck finishing her off.

The Deep Six swarm Triton and his gang; but they fight back quicker than poop shooting out of a duck’s butt. Tiger Shark and Piranha team up to eat Shark w/ FLB #2 and find him delicious. Sea Urchin and Orka manage to double team Shark #3 killing him as well, but not before Shark with Freakin Laser Beams #1 & 3 shoot laser beams at Orka to laser him to death with their lasers. Killer Croc has fought Batman, whom people have actually heard of, which means he can make short work Nagal whom nobody has. Triton makes even shorter work of The Deep Six leader Attuma. The half of the Deep Six that are left alive attempt to regroup; but they are no match for the minor god and his homeboys SwFLB #1 and Killer Croc. i.e. The Deep Six get deep sixed (WACKA-WACKA-WACKA said Fozzy).

Ninja Pirate #1 and 2 manage to get the Navy Sailor off of his Yoshi and drown him; but Yoshi is able to get revenge by eating Ninja Pirate #1, before NP #2 sticks his Oriental style Cutlass (No, of course that isn’t a real sword) into Yoshi’s elongated neck.

Baxter the Dog gets Doozer #3 off of his back and then eats him. But then Baxter gets eaten by Paula Dean. WHAT… She was hungry and she was getting sick of fish. This is a water match after all. So, don’t judge… DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE HER!!!!!!

Princess Ariel violently rips the wings off of Woodstock and breaks his neck, right before the Sharkticon in shark mode uses its razor sharp Cybertronian teeth to bite the little mermaid in half.

The Big Goober Fish w/ HUGE-OH-TEETH attempt to grab Naga with his massive sticky tongue, but Naga dodges it. The Opee Sea Killer then swallowed the Mermanus Prince, who then swiftly blasted his way out of the side of the Nubian monster fish. Naga, then used his Set given powers to blast apart Sharkticon #12; but Naga is eventually cornered and then given a watery b(^&(&ch slap from Poseidon and Triton themselves.

It has now been 14 minutes since Paula Dean ate Baxter, so naturally she is starving. She eats the Monkguin next after creating a monkey/penguin sandwich, using two heavily buttered English muffins as the bun. She then ate Toadette by using one of her morel mushroom recipes but the toadstool kingdom chick servant was a bit gamey. It wasn’t until she attempted to take a bite out of Shark w/ FLB #1 that the shark bit back and had the greatest meal of its life. He had never been do stuffed. Unfortunately he didn’t get to enjoy his meal for long after Ninja Pirate #1 makes a last ditch effort to win the match by going ape s*&t on the shark with his sword and underwater shooting black powder revolver. The Ninja Pirate is smiling when Killer Croc bites off his eye-patched head.

REAL MAN's Rabble Rousers Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches

Real Man’s Rabble Rousers are Sea Team Voltron, (Beast Wars) Scuba and Depth Charge, The Expendables, The Losers, Aqualad, Megadeth, Pac Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Baby Pac-Man, The Burger King, and Darko Milicec.

Beckerman’s Backyardigan’s Beeyatches (God, I missed writing out that team name) are Aquaman, Karaqan, The Fathom 5: Llyron, Bloodtide, Dragonrider, Manowar, and Sea Leopard, The Sando Aqua Monster, The 2 Headed Shark, The Black Widow Shark, Skullcruncher and Grax, and Aquababy.


Bryatu reaches for his cell phone, looks at who’s calling, and moves the touch screen over to accept the call.

Bryatu: Whaddaya want HOMO??

Joshatu: Sup.

Bryatu: Hey Boy, What’s up??

Joshatu: Yeah, dude, I was just looking at your water roster here. You’re gonna curb stomp Real Man by the way, your squad is bada**. But, who the hell are these Fathom Five guys and Karaqan?

Bryatu: Karaqan is this massive monster that protects Atlantis and Fathom 5 is a group of radicals from Atlantis who protect it.

Joshatu: Oh, so they are the same side??

Bryatu: No, they’ve never even heard of each other. The Fathom 5 is in Atlantis from Marvel. Karaqan is with Aquaman in Atlantis in D.C.

Joshatu: Ahh, I see. So none of them are from the real Atlantis?

Bryatu: There is no REAL Atlantis.

Joshatu: Well, you know what I mean.

Bryatu: No, I don’t… Atlantis isn’t real dude. It was just created for Aquaman and Namor in comics; I’m not really sure who did it first. Probably Namor. He came out in Marvel Comics #1 in 1939. Aquaman didn’t come out until 1941. But either way, Atlantis isn’t REAL…. Duh.

Joshatu: I’m not saying that it is REAL, real. But I’m pretty sure Plato wrote about it in like 360 B.C. And I’m pretty sure he didn’t mention Namor or Aquaman. That’s what I mean by REAL.

Bryatu: Oh, whatever. All I heard was B.C. And that offends me, because I am Jewish.

Joshatu: Oh, I’m sorry. B.C.E., before the common era, not Before Christ.

Bryatu: Ha, I’m just kidding, I don’t give a s*&t what you call it…. Dumba**… Anyway, I gotta go.

Joshatu: Alright, I need to get into character and start watching this match. See ya. And like I said, you’re gonna curb stomp Real Man this week.

Bryatu: Alright. See ya. Happy watching, you anti-Semitic bas&*d.


Now, for the actual match:


Welcome all; this is Joshatu the Resplendent here to bring you this glorious Week 2 match up. Where we will delve deep into the Seas of Caladan, former home world to House Atreides…

Bloodtide looks to his captain, Aquaman and says: “Dude, we are gonna curb stomp The Real Men this week”. “Hmm, tell me about it”. Replies Aquaman. “Tell me about it”. Aquaman elaborates: “My fellow Backyardigans, … (Pause)… it is a bit strange for me to say this thing, Backyardiagn… For I have been on this team since day one. I am proud to be a Backyardigan, but I was here as a proud member of Shemalabams’s S**t Kickers, a proud member of Better Than All of You, and a proud member of Team Joe before that. It is not a name that I fight for, but for pure water dominance and for future Universe Bowls!! As I look around at my squad, a small part of me misses the days where me and Aqualad (rest in peace) were all this team had as a water team. We worked hard, we won matches, but I no longer have to do it myself. I have allies, and I feel that WE NOW HOLD THE STRONGEST WATER POWERHOUSE IN ALL OF THE EFF-EFF-ELLLL”!!

Everybody on Aquaman’s squad goes nuts, as they move on together to begin the battle...

As the Backyardigans roll up on The Real Men Squad they see that they do have some powerful water characters, but that they also have some sitting ducks. Aquaman hangs back, while he watches and directs his squad in the battle. Aside from the control he has over the animalistic members of his own squad, he uses his telepathy to summon all manner of creatures from within the seas of Caladan. Aquaman has no problem doing this, because although he is not in a sea of earth, all creatures of Caladan are in fact decedents of terrestrial earth creatures, albeit a few millennia removed. Aquaman, though intent on winning this match has no desire to fight his former apprentice Aqualad himself. So, he sends the mighty Karaqan off to fight Aqualad. The Fathom Five stick together and move towards the Beast Wars crew of Scuba and Depth Charge. But The Real Men are prepared to go on the offensive as well. The mighty five piece Voltron Sea Team moves against The Sando Aqua Monster, but The 2 Headed Shark, The Black Widow Shark, and Skullcruncher along with Grax are in the vicinity as well…

Aquaman focuses all of the Caladian Sea Creatures that he has summoned in the direction of the member of The Rabble Rousers who are simply swimming in the water with no support. Large shark like creatures and vicious Sea Lionish mammals rush towards the members of The Expendables and The Losers. REAL MAN didn’t bother to tell me the names of The Expendables and The Losers when he sent in his team; and in his laziness just left me to look them all up, so I Joshatu the Umbrageous has decided to pay that laziness forward and not bother to write down the names as well (even though I have seen the movies several times and know at least a few of them off the cuff). So,……., although the tough dudes from these two teams put up a decent fight; The Expendables “Full Team” and The Losers “Full Team” are both violently ripped apart by a plethora of the most violent and powerful water animals that the Seas of Caladan have to offer. The creatures then move on to Megadeth (who he didn’t bother to list off for me either). Dave Mustaine and the boys fair even worse than the military dudes as they do not require ninety-nine ways; but only four ways to die to take out both guitarists, the bass player, and the drummer of the 4 piece metal band.

Scuba and Depth Charge go toe to toe with Skullcruncher and Grax and the battle is a great example of giant sea robots fighting amongst themselves. I mean seriously, watching this is like 80’s style, Anime, cartoon, robot porn. It’s awesome… For Real. But in all of its heavy-handed elephantine physical eloquence; at the end of the day ya gotta give the nod to Generation 1 Transformers over The Beast Wars. Even when they are decent Beast Wars Transformers.

Scuba and Depth Charge die… Skullcruncher and Grax do not.

Aqualad valiantly battles against the mighty Karaqan; but he does not seem to be able to make any headway against the enormous sea creature. This battle rages on, so we will revisit it later on.

Pac Man, Ms. Pac-Man, The Burger King and Darko swim over towards Aqualad to give him a hand against the ancient defender of Atlantis; but only the Pac-couple is able to make it through the shark infested waters alive.

The battle between The Voltron Squad and The Sando Aqua Monster, 2 Headed Shark, and Black Widow Shark are just warming up when The Fathom Five come in, in an attempt to even the odds. The five members of Voltron have combined into the Aqua Fighter and are speedily evading The Backyardigans, attempting to take advantage of their superior fire power without their inferior numbers slowing them down. Dragonrider and Manowar attempt a run at the Vehicle, but they are plowed directly over and killed. The Aqua Fighter then warms up their guns by targeting and firing on Llyron. Once their primary gun is charged, they fire a massive nuclear blast at The Black Widow Shark. “EAT NEAR UNIVERSE POWER!! BEEOTCH!!”! Screams Tangor from inside The Aqua Fighter (it is encouraged for all members of Real Man’s Rabble Rousers to scream in all caps and to talk smack regularly… It’s strategy). But, with their primary weapon exhausted and their power supply down, this leaves The Aqua Fighter exposed from a mega wallop courtesy of they planet’s core’s own Sando Aqua Monster. Zandee’s ship takes the brunt of it and is destroyed, while the other four scatter, and attempt to regroup. Lisa and Shannon are able to take out Bloodtide once they corner him with their laser power, while Cric and Tangor are able to take out both heads of The 2 Headed Shark (even though it had TWICE AS MANY TEETH)!! But once Skullcruncher and Grax show up to lend a hand to the rest of their B-3 friends the remaining members of Voltron are not able to hold on. They are one by one ripped apart by The Sando Aqua Monster, as well as the Head Changer Decepticon.

In more exciting news, the battle of the babies has begun between Aquababy and Baby Pac Man. Aquababy cannot decide whether to pinball Baby Pac-Man against some rocks or corner his digital body (anybody raise your Super Nerd hand if you actually get that reference). In the end, I haven’t seen a Baby Pac-Man destroyed that bad since the last time I went on a road trip with Ed (if that obscure reference piqued your interest, and you want a good story ask him about it at the next draft).

Pac-Man and Ms. Pac Man both gobble up a few dozen fish, but then get gobbled up by the Karaqan. Their effort is valiant, but they really don’t help Aqualad much in his battle against the sea monster. While he is being consumed whole, Jackson Hyde still goes down fighting even as he looks around his watery grave to see that the rest of his squad has been unsuccessful as well.

As the battle comes to a close, Aquaman makes the biggest move he has made all day, as he uncrosses his arms and smiles…

Spoiler Sport Week 1

Due to technical difficulties, this week's edition of Spoiler Sport could not be completed in time. Hopefully our rehersal footage will shed light on our situation. Rest assured, loyal viewers, the Spoiler Sport that you know and love will be back and better than ever!

"Okay, Evan, my main man, we've got a lot riding on you and the new Spoiler Sport!" exclaims Ocho Producer #17. "No worries, sir. Evan Strong always delivers!" says the young anchor. "You have a great attitude, kid. You're gonna go far! OK, Quiet on the set. Lights, camera, action!"

"Hel....................................................." mumbles Evan.

"CUT!!! What the hell was that?!? screams Ocho Producer #17. "Just a bad take, don't worry boss, I got this." reassures Evan. "Fine. We'll try again." says an increasingly nervous Producer #17. "Action!" he says.

"..............................................." Evan Strong freezes instantly.

"Cut! Dammit!!! You said you were comfortable doing this!!! You were picked for your impressive acting experience!!! What is your problem?!?" asks Producer #17. "Sooooo..... turns out I'm a great actor on stage, so I figured it would translate seamlessly to screen. Looks like... I'm camera shy." says an embarassed Evan Strong. "CAMERA SHY?!? Get out of my face, you useless hack!!! YOU'RE FIRED!!!" yells Ocho Producer #17. Evan Strong leaves the set sheepishly as Producer #17 reluctantly dials his phone.

"Cotton? Cotton, my main man, how have you been? ... Wait, you knew I'd call? Ha!!! Good one, Cotton! So... How about you come back home where you belong? ..... Okay, okay. No more propaganda. ..... EVER! I PROMISE!!!...... okay...... double your normal rate, but I .......... Cotton, be reasonable ....... Fine, fine. Pepper can come back too. ............ No, thank YOU, the pleasure was all mine, sir. Have a nice d..." says Produer #17 before Cotton McKnight hangs up on him. Ocho producer #17 smiles to himself while he puts the phone down. "Welcome home, Cotton..."

Week 1: Season 7: Griswold's Nut-Busters vs Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

Griswold's Nut-Busters are (Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler, Batwing, Pel Tavin, Warskrull #6 and Heat-Man.

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions is Super-Cyborg Charles Barkley, Super-Cyborg Michael Jordan, Shrek-it Ralph, Care-Becks and Dark Jedi Master #11A.

SC Charles Barkley: What the S#@$ is Slam Ball?

Batwing: It is this piece of crap fake basketball substitute that Spike TV tried to con frat boys into thinking was cool about 8 years ago. And if there is anything the last ten years have taught us, it is that we live in a nation who caters specifically to frat boys.

Heat Man: I know, even the girls are starting to act like them. If Gloria Steinem only knew that equal rights for woman were going to lead to women acting like douche bags. Oh how the hopes of the past have turned into nothing but the sheer disappointment of the future.

Care-Becks: Somebody had a sh#$#y weekend.

Heat Man: Screw you Beckerman.

Care-Becks: It's Care-Becks bitch. Why don't you come over here and taste my rainbow.

Pel Tavin: Is that a reference you expect any of us to get?

Shrek-it Ralph: I got it.

Dark Jedi Master #11A: Yeah me too.

Batwing: Because of the whole rainbow Care-Bear thing.

Warskrull #6: It's a homo reference right?

Pel Tavin: Okay whatever; I guess this really isn't my sector.

Nickatu: So you got it right? You are playing Slam Ball. There will be four two minutes quarters and if I see anyone using any sort of powers I will be calling a foul. This is a basketball game in 2014, so I do not want to see any contact whatsoever. Oh yeah, and per Slam Ball rules, only four players per team on the court at a time.

SC Michael Jordan: What?

Nickatu: Have Fun!

SC Barkley: This is turrible Cyborg Michael. (The crowd goes wild)

SC Michael Jordan: It's all right Chuck, though I think we should probably sit the Bear.

Care-Becks: WHAT THE F@#$!!!

Batwing: I don't know about you Warskrull #6 but I am thinking you should sit out.

Warskrull #6: What are you talking about; I made myself into a basketball player. I even did my research. This guy came right after Lebron James and was drafted before Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. This guy has to be good. Plus he was the only white guy I could find and as everyone knows white people dominate basketball.

Pel Tavin: I know I'm not from here but I'm pretty sure that's racist.

Warskrull #6: You're the racist if you think that's racist.

Pel Tavin: I don't think that's how it works.

Warskrull #6: Whatever racist.

Batwing: Anyways, like I said Warskrull is sitting. Let's get out there and try to just continually throw the ball to Kurt.

(AOA) Nightcrawler: You better give me the ball and I don't care what that foolish watcher had to say about no powers. I am going to single-handedly win this game. Just put the ball near the basket and I will take care of the rest.

Game Time

Jump ball is won by Nightcrawler as he teleports his way up to the jump ball.

(Whistle) Foul

Dark Jedi Master #11A inbounds the pass to SC Barkley but Nightcrawler teleports in front of him and grabs the ball.

(Whistle) Foul

Dark Jedi Master #11A once again inbounds the pass to SC Barkley and the same exact thing happens.

(Whistle) Foul

Batwing: Time Out. Kurt I know you mean well but I have to sit you.

(AOA) Nightcrawler: Big Mistake Batmite.

Batwing: Okay Darko, get in here.

War Skrull: You won't regret it sir.

Batwing: You want to bet.

Once the blue skinned mutant left the game it finally started to make some progress. After the first quarter of play the score was 14 to 6, which surprisingly enough included two dunks from the Warskrull. Which for those of you who are not a douchy frat boy, that means all of the Nut-Busters points, have come from the Darko wannabe. SC Barkley and SC Michael Jordan have two dunks each and the Dark Jedi took a two point shot that was under suspicion of being force induced, though it could not be proven so it was counted.

Shrek-it Ralph: Is this game supposed to be fun because I've had STD's that sucked less then this? I mean seriously, why is a dunk worth three points but an outside jumper is worth two?

Care-Becks: Shut it you fat f@#$, at least you get to play.

Shrek-it Ralph: You want to play? Be my guest, get in there.

Care-Becks: Oh Ralphy, you're going to regret this.

Shrek-it Ralph: Regret what?

Care-Becks: Oh you just wait.

Shrek-it Ralph: For What? I don't want to play. Have fun.

Care-Becks: Oh I will, you just wait and see.

Shrek-it Ralph just shakes his head at the demented and possibly mentally challenged bear and sits down on the bench. On the other side of the court Nightcrawler was seen pleading with Batwing to let him in the game. After a couple minutes of pleading he agreed to sit Heat Man.

Heat Man: Oh wow, thanks a lot Batty. Rejected again. What's the point of any of it.

Batwing: Oh stop complaining you big girl. Get over yourself and start acting like a man.

Pel Tavin: Am I not getting something again cause it doesn't seem like you guys are talking about basketball.

Batwing: Yes we are, why what does it sound like we are talking about?

Heat Man: Yeah, what are you playing at Pel. You gonna stab me through the heart also?

Pel Tavin: Yeah I definitely don't know what is going on here.

The Nut-busters in bounded the ball to start the second quarter. Fake Darko passed it into Batwing but Nightcrawler teleported in front of his own teammate and intercepted the ball.

(Whistle) Foul

Batwing: What the hell are you doing?

(AOA) Nightcrawler: I told you to just give me the ball.

Due to the foul there was a loss of possession and DJM in bounded it to SC Jordan. Well at least he attempted to inbound it but as soon as he did Nightcrawler teleported in front of him and stole the ball.

(Whistle) Foul

Batwing: What are you not getting about this no powers thing? Get back on the bench Kurt.

Nightcrawler: No, you get on the bench. I'm the captain now.

Batwing: You know what, fine, you're the captain now Kurt.

Nightcrawler: Okay, now give me the ball.

Pel Tavin: It's still their ball Kurt, remember the foul?

Nightcrawler: I don't care about fouls, I just want the ball.

This time Care-Becks inbounds the ball and SC Jordan is able to accept the pass and launch himself on the trampoline and dunk the ball with the beautiful precision that only a Cyborg basketball player could display. With only ten seconds left on the clock the Nut-Busters quickly threw the ball down court to Darko but as he passed the ball over to Pel Tavin, Nightcrawler once again teleported and intercepted his own teammates pass.

(Whistle) Foul

Nickatu: That's six fouls Nightcrawler, you're out of the game.

Nightcrawler: WHAT?!? Fouled out! What kind of bulls#$% rule is that? I love how because you are a watcher you are just allowed to make up any rules that you want.

Batwing: He didn't make up the fouled out rule you asshole. Why do you think I let you go in for me? I knew you would not make it to half time.

Nightcrawler: Whatever Batf#$%, kiss my blue a$$ and suck my blue...

Care-Becks: No way you get to use the same penis joke as me. That's mine you blue skinned f#$#!

Nickatu: Taunting Care-Becks, that's a technical foul.

Care-Becks: Screw you watcher. Smell my a$$hole and lick my fat c#@$ you buttf#@$ing donkey rapist.

Nickatu: Do I really even need to respond to that? Another technical Beckerman, get out of here.

Care-Becks: $@#$  $#%$#  4%$#% #$%#$@@@$#@$%^$%^%$^$%^!!!!! Fair Enough.

The score at Halftime is 22-6 in favor of Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions.

Batwing: Okay guys, this game is not over yet.

Heat Mean: Oh really cause I think it was over before it even began. I don't even know why I tried. What a waste of time and money.

Batwing: Okay what? Now I'm confused.

Pel Tavin: See I told you he's not talking about basketball.

SC Barkley: Why are we not winning by a hundred Michael?

SC Jordan: Because we can literally not try at all and still win by twenty.

DJM: Hey can I shoot a couple of times this half.

SC Barkley: Yeah sure, whatever.

Shrek-it Ralph: You guys mind if I sit this one out?

Nobody says anything to Ralph so he takes that as a yes.

The third and forth quarters were more or less a wash as the Nut-Busters actually out scored them 9-6 in the third and then they both put up 15 in the final quarter of the game. Bringing the final score to 43-30 in favor of Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions And they all lived happily ever after.

Post Game News Conference

Reporter: So let me get this straight, because you had a bad weekend we had to sit through a half unfinished shit match? Is this how it is going to be all year with you?

Nickatu: Um let me think about that one. Next Question.

Reporter #2: What was with all the Heat Man stuff, I am with Pel on this one because I don't get it.

Nickatu: That's too bad for you. Next Question.

Reporter #3: That was it. Did you get a call half way through the match? You wrote the entire first half and then a two-sentence recap. What gives? I thought you were this highly regarded watcher in years past?

Nickatu: One more question. Oh yes, I remember you old friend.

Real Man: Another classic Nickatu, this might be your best work ever. Don't let all the h8ers in this league bring you down. Just keep on doing whatever you want.

Nickatu: Thanks Real Man, I can always count on you for pretending my shit tastes like cotton candy.

Real Man: Anytime, that's what I'm hear for.

Nickatu: Is it?

S7 W1 - Defending Universe Bowl Champions: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs Real Man Rabble Rousers

Horsemen are: Lion-O (w/ GL ring), Tygra, Batman, Brandon Inge (w/ GL ring), Taskmaster.

Rabble Rousers are: Barney Ross, Lee Christmas, Yin Yang, Gunner Jansen, and Hail Caesar.

It is 2:00 am and the Rabble Rousers are the first to show up on the dimly lit street court in north Harlem.  They immediately take objection to the 3 on 3 street game that is already taking place by a group of local hooligans.

“Pardon me, Gents.  But I believe the park is closed.  Best be getting on your way.” Says the always handsome and articulate Lee Christmas.

“What’s dat, Honkey?  Whooz gonna make us?  You, the Chinaman and your 3 grandpas?”  Says the clear leader.   (Lets call these guys ‘Harlem Hooligans #1-6)

“Aaaa.  Look here pal,” says Barney Ross, “We booked this here lot with the NYC Parks and Rec department 2 weeks ago.  Here is our permit, we don’t want any trouble.  You just have to scram.”

“Oooooh!  They gotz a permit boys!” HH#1 says mockingly to his pals.  He then grabs the permit from Sly and wipes his ass with it.  The two are now nose to nose when HH#1 continues.  “We got a permit too!”

Immediately the 6 thugs pull out their guns and begin to fire on the washed up actors.  The Horsemen now teleport in the match and have absolutely no idea what is going on.  Being a sworn defender of Gotham, Batman rushes into action to defend his fellow FFL competitors.  The rest of the Horsemen follow his lead without a second thought.  Hail Caesar has HH#3 in a headlock and breaks his neck just before a bullet hits him in the face.  The worst third baseman in Detroit Tigers history is met with a similar fate by a barrage of bullets from HH#4’s twin Glock 40’s.  Yin Yang and Gunner Jansen are locked in a fist fight with HH#5 and HH#6 after knocking their two guns away.  Gunner manages to get HH#6 down to the ground and smashes his face repeatedly into one of the basketball hoop poles until his nose is inside his brain.  HH#5 manages to get a hold of Yin Yang long enough for HH#1 to shoot both of them to death, having no regard for his own friend’s life.

Tygra avenges Inge by clawing the guts out of HH#4 and he bleeds out within seconds.  As he stands up, all he sees is the end of HH#2’s gun for a split second before he is shot dead.  HH#1 is now firing multiple shots at Batman but they just deflect of his armor.  One bullet ricochets and kills Gunner Jansen as he was running back in to join the fight.  Taskmaster picks up one of the fallen guns and mimicking the thugs, starts shooting randomly with the gun tilted sideways.  As anyone can imagine, this is not the most accurate way to shoot so not only does he kill HH#2 but he kills Lee Christmas as well.  HH#1 has now been wrestled to the ground by Batman but manages to get a fatal shot off into the chest of Taskmaster before Batman chokes the life out of him.

Batman stands up and after a few seconds of silence, Lion-O and Barney Ross (who both hid behind a dumpster) emerge onto the blood soaked court.

“What happened, Barney?” asks Batman as he approaches the other two.

“These guys were here when we showed up and when we asked them to leave, things… escalated slightly.”

“Yeah.  Slightly.” adds Lion-O.

“Well, what are we supposed to do for the match.  2 on 1 isn’t exactly a fair game.”  Barney says turning around to survey the scene again.  “I don’t see the ball anywhere either.”

“I got one.” Says Lion-O

As Barney turns around he sees the Sword of Omens swinging toward him.  His head is sheared clean off his neck and his limp body falls to ground.  Lion-O scoops Barney’s head and lobs a perfect half court hook shot into the chain link net.

Lion-O grins at Batman.  “We win!  One to nothing!”