Co-Commissioner Final Press Conference

My Fellow Fantasy Fantasy Leaguers, I am here to discuss the recent events that have transpired over the last month or so. As you all know Bryan Beckerman has not only left his post as commissioner of the league but has retired his entire team as well. This news was met with much sadness, as we have become quite close over the years as leaders in this league.

As all of you know this year has been a busy one for not only for the Commandos as we finally closed in on our first championship season but for Michelle and my family. With the results and a final concession from Mr. Romney, I was once again re-elected as the President of the United States down on my home planet of Earth. This is not only a great honor for myself but a very important duty that I have not and will not ever take lightly. Which naturally brings me to my point here tonight with everyone of you, my fellow Fantasy Fantasy brothers and sisters.

With the parting of Mr. Beckerman, he left the commissioner duties to Mr. Geney and myself. Let me tell you that though this was a surprise, it was also an honor. The duties of the Commissioner are not to be taken lightly, a job that I fear I will not be able to fulfill with all the attention to detail that it entails. Which is why as of today I am stepping down as Co-Commissioner of this league, leaving the heavy-handed task to Mr. Geney. What he decides to do with it I am unsure, but I promise you this league will survive.

That is not all though. Like I mentioned earlier, this was a very busy year for myself and the Commandos and though I have never been so proud of a group of people in all of of my life, I will also be stepping down as Head Coach and Team leader of The Commando's. As of now, my second in command Miley Cyrus will become interim head coach, immediately following this press conference. I am under the impression that a new name will be assigned to the Commandos, one that will be released on a later date.

Though these decisions have not been easy to arrive at, they are in fact the necessary choices that had to be made. I will treasure my time in this league with nothing but the fondest of memories and I will never forget how wonderful it felt the day we finally brought home the championship to the National League. After five hard fought years, it was the sweetest feeling in the world.

With that I leave everyone here with these thoughts. Don't ever let anyone in this world tell you how to live your life. Stick with what you believe in and if you love something don't ever stop fighting for it. Despite great obstacles and pressures from the outside, you can achieve greatness if you fight for it. Ownership is not something to ever be taken lately so take ownership in what you believe in. Don't ever quit and never stop fighting.

Good night for the final time and god bless everyone.

Sincerely,

President Barack Obama

Co-Commissioner Press Release

Dear Fantasy Fantasy League

Due to the obvious time requirements of the current Presidential election, President Barack Obama is unable spend any time with FFL affairs and will address the recent changes in league management after the election runs its course. He still very much cares about the league and will address this issue when the time is available and prudent.

Sincerely,

Jay Carney White House Press Secretary

OFFICIAL RESIGNATION OF COMMISSIONER BECKS AND B3

After several weeks of contemplation, it is with both great sadness and trepidation that I am officially announcing not only my resignation as Commissioner, but also as a Watcher and more importantly, as an owner affiliated with the Fantasy Fantasy League.  

 As an owner, I believe that many individuals in society, especially athletes in professional settings, stay too long and end their careers, instead of on a high note, as one who failed to realize the game had passed them by.  In this case, from an egotistical standpoint, I believe that I have proven to all in my five years with this league that I was a most formidable opponent.  Statistically, I have been to two Universe Bowls, winning one.  My victory-to-loss ratio for the years I entered into combat is near the top of all time.  My death ratio in the league’s graveyard is near the top at sending people of other teams, while near the bottom at sending members of my own.  Accordingly, I am leaving this league knowing that my team has fought valiantly, with honor and “on top.”

 Since I am relinquishing my ownership, I have designated the fate of my own team.  As Commissioner, I have acknowledged and accepted the B3 Team’s disbursements in light of a variety of factors.  Accordingly, being of sound mind and body, I, as owner of Beckerman’s Backyardigans’ Beyatches, duly authorized by the Commissioner, am leaving the following members of my squad to the following teams:

 

Fighting Murderflies

To one of the few individuals whom I see myself attending every Star Wars Celebration with in the future and who understands my quirks and accepts them nonetheless.  I, with the blessing of T.O.D., E. and Shamalay, leave you the following:

 

1.      Amatsu-Mikaboshi, The Chaos King

2.      Ego

3.      Zombie Darth Maul

4.      Nazgul #6 with devil lance

5.      Nazgul #6 Horse

6.      Nazgul #6 Fell Beast

7.      Hondo Maclean with Sea Attack

8.      Sly Rax with Piranha

9.      The Energizer Bunny

10.  Rowlf the Dog

11.  SHIELD Helicarrier

 

Montana Obama Commandos

To another SWC clan-member whom I am proud to call not only one of the best shirt designers in the Midwest, but more importantly, a true friend.   I leave you the following:

 

1.      Spike

2.      Bellatrix Lestrange

3.      Professor Minerva McGonagall

4.      Hermione Granger with magic lamp and Ferengi energy whip

5.      Emperor Han

6.      Belle with Star Wand and Demon rod

7.      Tenderheart Bear

8.      Cheer Bear

9.      Hannibal of Crete

10.  Death Star

 

Better Than All of You

To my Halfling-Hebrew brother, a great golf buddy (who can actually golf) and a righteous dude, I leave you the following:

 

1.      Predi-Alien with red lantern ring

2.      Oblivion

3.      Black Widow Shark

4.      Fafnir

5.      Skullcruncher

6.      Grax

7.      Clawful

8.      Wyvern

9.      Noob Saibot

10.  Pod racer

11.  F-22

12.  Life Model Decoys #1-3

13.  Clone Juggernaught

 

George Washington’s Slaves

To a guy with one of the driest and greatest senses of humor around and hopefully will man-up and run with me some day at the Beer Mile, I leave you the following:

 

1.      Zombie Al Dogg

2.      Living Tribunal

3.      One Above All

4.      Yendar Platis

5.      Mer-Man

6.      Tyvokka with indigo lantern ring

7.      Grand Admiral Thrawn

8.      Batgirl (Cassandra Cain) with black lightsaber

9.      Hovercraft

10.  Super Star Destroyer

 

TEAM

To a guy whom not only looks the best in a grass skirt and Hawaiian shirt, but also has the most-wicked ability to create a golf club into a kite, I leave you the following:

 

1.      Gladiator Voltron #1

2.      Gladiator Voltron #2

3.      Gladiator Voltron #3

4.      Gladiator Voltron #4

5.      Gladiator Voltron #5

6.      Zombie Superman

7.      King Hiss

8.      Vega

9.      Rain

10.  Peppy Hare with Darth Maul’s double lightsaber

11.  Jimmy Lee

12.  Nomad

13.  F-Zero Car

14.  Cybertonian Spaceship

 

Sleeping Pussy

To my “special” friend. . . ‘Nuff said.  I leave you the following:

 

1.      Duncan McLeod with green lightsaber

2.      Brother Blood with Sirius Black’s wand

3.      Ash with Mandalorian armor

4.      Sherlock Holmes

5.      Dr. John H. Watson

6.      James Bond

7.      Korvac

8.      Lizard

9.      Captain Nemo and Nautilus

10.  Palantir

 

Horsemen of Apokolips

To one of the greatest artists I know and an even better friend.  I hope to see you at many conventions and gatherings in the future. I leave you the following:

1.      Michael Myers with red lightsaber

2.      Dracula

3.      Vulcan

4.      Matt Oblak with Mandalorian armor, green and blue lightsabers

5.      Dr. Teresa Oblak with Tron lightsuit and light disc, blue and green lightsabers

6.      Gambit with magnaguard electrostaff

7.      Captain Britain

8.      Legolas with Sinestro’s green lantern ring

9.      Boromir

10.  Heat axe (to be placed by Commissioner)

11.  The Ark (Transformers)

 

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

To the man who started it all and introduced me to a group of “scum and villainy” that is rivaled next to none.  I cannot thank you enough.  I leave you the following:

 

1.      Wolverine

2.      Boba Fett with double bladed red lightsaber

3.      Pre Viszla

4.      Jeer Dexton

5.      Jool Nooret

6.      Star Wolf with laser sword, laser gun and Pokeball

7.      Nazgul #9

8.      Nazgul #9 Horse

9.      Nazgul #9 Fell Beast

10.  Duncan Idaho Ghola #9

11.  Aircraft Carrier

12.  Atlas axe (to be placed by Commissioner)

13.  Yoshi Egg

 

Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

To my fellow Man in Maize and Blue.  I hope to one day celebrate a National Title with you.  I leave you the following:

1.      Pre-Suit Vader

2.      Cyclonus

3.      Cyclonus Armada

4.      Sasquatch

5.      Captain Universe

6.      Brawn

7.      Mara Jade, Jedi

8.      Rakkim Epps

9.      Clairy Fray

10.  Red Star

11.  Flamethrower (to be placed by Commissioner)

12.  Independence Day Ship

 

Logical Genocide

To the man I call a friend, my coup-partner and fellow, avid collector.  Most important, to a man who had the good sense to marry an individual who bakes the best cupcakes this side of the Mississippi, I leave you the following:

 

1.      Mogo

2.      Ranx the Sentient City

3.      Deadman

4.      Arkillo

5.      Soranak Natu

6.      Chip

7.      Dale

8.      Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman

9.      Green lightsaber (to be placed by Commissioner)

10.  S.P.I.N. Tech

 

Layander’s Kitties

To the team I hope grows with their owners, I leave you the following:

 

1.      Arc Trooper Captain

2.      Arc Trooper Lieutenant #1

3.      Arch Trooper Lieutenant #2

4.      Arc Trooper Heavy Weapons

5.      Arc Trooper #1

6.      Arc Trooper #2

7.      Arc Trooper #3

8.      Arc Trooper #4

9.      Arc Trooper #5

10.  Krypto

11.  R2-KT

12.  Warpath

13.  Nightbird

14.  Toxie

15.  Major Disaster

16.  NoZone

17.  Junkyard

18.  Head Banger

19.  Baby Bucky

20.  Zak Saturday

21.  Solomon “Doc” Saturday

22.  Drew Saturday

23.  Fiskerton

24.  Komodo

25.  Zon

26.  Doyle Blackwell

27.  Y-Wing

28.  Imperial Shuttle

29.  Z-95 Headhunter

 

Taco Benders

To an avid sports fan and vegetarian whom none should mock.  You are a great guy.  I leave you the following:

 

1.      In Betweener

2.      Lord Chaos

3.      Master Order

4.      Black Zarak

5.      Victory Leo

6.      Star Saber

7.      Abe Sapien

8.      Batteldae (Immel #2)

9.      Zombie Bullock (Immel #19)

10.  X-Kryptonite

11.  Purple lightsaber (to be placed by Commissioner)

12.  Ornithopter

 

Xavier’s Annihilation Squad

To the man who has a great future as not only an owner, but a Watcher too.  I leave you the following:

 

1.      Overlord

2.      Peraxxus

3.      Signalman #1

4.      Signalman #2

5.      Signalman #3

6.      Signalman #4

7.      Hush

8.      Trident

9.      Naga

10.  Punisher with jet pack

11.  Microchip

12.  Cluemaster

13.  Ferrari GTO

14.  AT-ST

15.  AT-ST

 

Dope Fiends

To the man I hope to someday represent in the ring, I leave you the following:

 

1.      Carnage

2.      Zombie Omega Red

3.      Deathstorm

4.      Red Hulk

5.Red She Hulk with green lightsaber

6.      Zombie Abomination

7.      Sumara with legion flight ring

8.      Fangry

9.      Briscoe

10.      Killer Croc

11.  Red lightsaber (to be placed by Commissioner)

12.  Aircraft Carrier

13.  Tie Bomber

14.  Dooku’s Solar Sailer

 

Transfoamers

To the man I do not think has even said two words to me, I leave you the following:

 

1.      Slugslinger

2.      Caliburst

3.      Triggerhappy

4.      Blowpipe

5.      Gigantor

6.      Double Cross

7.      Fly Wheels

8.      Tank

 

All of the points affiliated with the above-mentioned characters, as well as the number of deaths sustained and weapons held by each can be found and confirmed on the FFL website roster section.  With regard to the namesakes of my team: Pablo, Austin, Tyrone, Tasha and Uniqua - I am permanently retiring these characters from the league.  I anticipate that those that follow me as Commissioner will respect my wishes and continue to honor this request.  As for the weapons held by each, they have been distributed to the remaining teams.

I place all remaining “common” characters on waivers and hereby put them “in the hopper” for any to choose when the new Commissioners feel is the proper time.  With that being said, I remain. . .

I never had more fun in this league than I did in my position as a Watcher.  I hope that I served you all well.  When necessary, I upheld the tradition by seriously conducting hours of research each week in order to properly address your characters in the matches.  Although you may not have agreed with each and every outcome, I still hope that, at the very least, you enjoyed the matches’ dialogue and action.  I tried to write without any pre-conceived notions regarding any particular team and to the best of my ability.  I think I will miss this position most of all.

Last, as I am now labeled the William Henry Harrison of this league, with my last action as acting Commissioner, I am officially leaving the mantel of Commissioner to the remaining members of those recognized as the “Triumvirate,” Mike Geney and Nick Houslander.  I believe they would like to be recognized as the “Dynamorgasmic Duo.”  These two are more than fitting replacements to run this league.  As it is a somewhat daunting task, I will assume that they will request the steadfast guidance from our two previous Commissioners, Josh and Ryan, who have steered this league in the positive direction it now follows.

With these words, I say “goodbye” to the FFL, still hoping to see you all in some way, shape, or form in the future at the events that take place in our lives.

 

Respectfully to all,

 

Bryan M. Beckerman

New FFL Commissioner's Announcement regarding the Announcement

Due to circumstances beyond my control and more importantly, the scathing remarks of a particular individual, I will take another two weeks to make the relevant announcement.

New FFL Commisioner's Announcement

I will be holding a press conference in the next two weeks regarding the FFL and its' future.
-Becks

Fantasy Fantasy Graveyard Database

The Fantasy Fantasy Graveyard is FINALLY complete!!

After exhausting research, all of the graves have finally been filled and all of the kills have been accounted for.

A few note-worthy facts:

Over the span of five years, there have been 762 characters, 28 Zombies, and 20 Black Lanterns, for a grand total of 810 characters that have been sent to the afterlife.

There was a tie for which character had sent the most characters to the graveyard between Aquaman (Better Than All of You) and the Witch King of Angmar (Horsemen of Apokolips), both having sent NINE characters.

The team who killed the most characters overall was the Horsemen of Apokolips with 80 characters, beating George Washington's Slaves by one (79).

No team lost more than Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies, who saw their ranks diminshed by 94 characters.

Total Death Count:
Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies (94)
H & B Commandos (91)
The Syracuse Valley (84)
Better Than All of You (76)
George Washington's Slaves (54)
The Abomitrons (53)
TEAM (44)
Team Sleeping Pussy (36)
The Horsemen of Apokolips (31)
Built Ford Tough (30)
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (29)
The Right Wing (29)
Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (26)
Alice's Wonder Team (21)
Logical Genocide (17)
Le' Napoleon Brigade (15)
Layander's Kitties (14)
Xavier's Annihilation Squad (13)
Tijuana Taco Benders (13)
Beckerman's Backyardigans (12)
The Untouchables (11)
The Transfoamers (11)
Dope Fiends (5)
Oblivio (1)

Total Kill Count:
The Horsemen of Apokolips (80)
George Washington's Slaves (79)
Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (76)
Beckerman's Backyardigans (69)
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (63)
H & B Commandos (62)
Xavier's Annihilation Squad (50)
TEAM (47)
Better Than All of You (35)
The Right Wing (32)
Logical Genocide (30)
Alice's Wonder Team (28)
Le' Napoleon Brigade (24)
Team Sleeping Pussy (21)
The Syracuse Valley (16)
Layander's Kitties (16)
Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies (15)
Dope Fiends (14)
Oblivio (14)
The Abomitrons (13)
The Transfoamers (11)
The Untouchables (9)
Built Ford Tough (3)
Tijuana Taco Benders (3)

The full database is available on our Google Docs page.

FFL "Spoiler Sport"- Post Season Edition. Round Three

FFL "Spoiler Sport"- Post Season Edition. Round Three



Well folks, it's all said and done.The dust has settled, planets have shaken, blood has been spilled, and the bodies have hit the floor. We have a new Universe Bowl champion. "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Batallion of Commandos have concluded their amazing run this year by bringing home the Universe Bowl trophy with a heart pounding, adrenaline pumping victory over Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches. Both teams suffered tremendous casualties in Universe Bowl Five as only Heimdall left the PlayOff Planet alive, narrowly defeating Orion in the final seconds of the battle.

The Commandos commanding season wasn't limited to just the Universe Bowl however. The Commandos also ended up winning the All-Star game for their division, with a little help from Geroge Washington's Slaves all-star Yoda. Dora The Explorer, President Obama and Kingdom Come Superman utterly dominated their opponents in battle, much like they've done all year.

We take you over to Pepper Brooks, who's still recovering from his near fatal shotgun blast to the head to wrap up the consolation rounds. Whatcha got for us Pep?

Muh mu, Muhmuh.

Muh muh muh muh muhmuhmuhmuh muhmuh muh muh muh. Muhmuh's muhmuhm muh muh muh muh muh muh muh. Muh muh muh. Muh muh muh muhmuhmuh.

Muh muh. Muh muh muh muhmu muh. Muhmuhmuh muhmuhmuh muhmuhmuh muh muhmuhmuh muh muh muhmuhmuhmuh muh muh muh muh muhmuh. Muh muh muh muh muhmuhmuh muh muh muh muh muh muhmuh muh muh muhmuhmuh

Muh muh. Muh muh muh muhmu muh. Muhmuhmuh muhmuhmuh muhmuhmuh muh muhmuhmuh muh muh muhmuhmuhmuh muh muh muh muh muhmuh. Muh muh muh muh muhmuhmuh muh muh muh muh muh muhmuh muh muh muhmuhmuh


Muh muh. Muh muh muh muhmu muh. Muhmuhmuh muhmuhmuh. Muh muh muh muh muhmuhmuh muh muh muh muh muh muhmuh muh muh muhmuhmuh
Muhmuh?

Uh, ok. Thanks Pepper, and once again congrats to Xavier's Annihilation Squad on their win and for becoming the season five "Kings of the Consolation match".

That'll about do it for us, thank you everyone for you viewership and we here at the-


KER-ZACK!!

What the? Sir? We're in the middle of a broadcast here! You can't just...

"Quiet! Cotton, please. You've gotta come with me. His death was all she needed to put her plan into play! This is what he was planning all along, I was too blinded by his methods. I've gotta.."

"Whoa, whoa. Slow down sir. What is all this? Who are you?"

"The name's Reginald McTwivent, but everyone calls me Butterscotch. You don't get it. He was trying to stop her, but it's too late."

"Who? Who's too late?"

"Kang. Don't you see? That's why he destroyed the Playoff Planet. He knew he was destined to die there, that he was they only one who could stop it. But now they have him and we're all...oh god. It's coming. Hurry we gotta get out of here.I hear the faint humming, they're almost here. I only have a few timejumps left, we gotta go! NOW!."

"Butterscotch is it? I'm just a broadcaster. What do I"

"You can make them remember! They can't forget! We have to work together or else it's all going to disappear! Now LET'S GO!"

"Wh-'

KER-ZACK!!!


"Muhmuh? Muh"


FWAH-SHHOOM!!!!

"Muh! Muhmuh!"

"SIlence him, Real Man."

"With pleasure my liege!"

"Mu-"

BLAM. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM.

"Excellent. Greeting, filth. It is I, your new lord and master, Pandora. Allow me to introduce my companions. To my left is a fellow many of you may know, but who has tired of the constant abuse and disrespect showered upon him by the powers that be in this "League". A being who provided all of you with power beyond your comprehension that you've seen fit to squander and make mockery of. I speak of course of the mighty Nekron.

"YOU SHALL ALL BOW-"

"Patience, my friend. Patience. And to my right, the final cog in my machine. The one who was able to spread such discontent amongst all of you. Who had you turning on each other with accusations and theories of his true identity. You call him by the title "Real Man", but now you know him by his true name....SILK BISHOP!!"

"Thanks, Pandora. This just in...all of you guys are a bunch of assholes! Locking me in Arkham can't stop me! My truth shall never be silenced!"

"Quite right, Silk. Now. As to why I'm here. This entire year, I have waited and watched. Biding my time, until the moment was right. Till I could finally assemble the proper team to perform such an undertaking. And now I have it. Nekron, if you will"


"With pleasure, my queen. Rama-Tut of Earth. RISE!!"

"Yes, my master? What is it you seek?"

"Kang, bring your new queen Pandora what she desires, so that we may once again experience the sweet silence of death and extinguish all the light in this League!"

"As you wish"

FWAH-SHHOOM!

FWAH-SHHOOM!

"Here you are, my liege. The weapon"

"My thanks, Kang. I told you eons ago, that you could only hide this from me for so long. Now it is mine, and we shall remake the universe as we see fit. This message is for all of you, and I hope you're listening "Butterscotch", we are not the bad guys here. You people were given something special, and you drove it to the ground with your power struggles, and backbiting. You were given the chance to create a new universe, yet chose instead to pay lip service to nostalgia. Well no longer. Nekron has provided me with the means to erase all of this from resistance, and Silk helped to remove the final obstacle for me to overcome-the office of the Commissioner. With no one in office, I can finally unleash my fury upon the world and expunge this "Fantasy Fantasy League" from existance. This box was taken from me centuries ago, and hidden. But it is mine again, and with it I strike at each and everyone one of you, and end it all for good!

Farwell, FFL. I spit on your grave and rejoice in your destruction!


*the box begins to open, there's a bright, blinding light and then...*