Universe Bowl VII: Kitties Correspondent Post #3

This will be the last time that I report back to you. For that I am sorry but my wounds were much more serious then I at first suspected. My pack still does not know this but I can tell that Aberforth knew the second they brought me back into the house. He and I have come to an agreement that he will take over these transmissions for me, so I hope that will work out for you. I am going to tell Sam after I am done with this as I can tell it will not be long before I am gone. He is a good leader and I know he is more the capable of dealing with this.

The magic’s have been less then truthful with us as well.

Aberforth told me this morning that the voice or I should say, voice’s we have been hearing lately are not the voices of local’s or even our opponent. He said that they discovered during a routine location spell last week that something was interfering with their magic. They originally thought that the Midget’s had sent someone out our way to block their magic, something that is easily detectable by simply doing another spell. After doing numerous other spells they realized that it was not a block, but the locater spell itself.

It was coming up blank (as he described it). As if the spell was saying that there were life forms in literally every square inch of the area. This is evidently impossible, as the spell does not ascribe to the sort of tree hugging; everything is alive type of sensibilities. It only locates living beings, not even trees or plants are included. This led them to believe that either they had lost their ability to work a proper spell (and trust me, this was not even a consideration in Regulus’ eyes) or that and this is their words, that the planet itself is somehow alive.

I feel bad for the boys because they are going to find this hard to believe when they are eventually told. I trust Sam to take the information to heart but I know Quil and Jared are going to take some convincing. Aberforth is a very trustworthy man so please except his transmissions as you have my own. I don’t usually like the Magic types, still don’t care for the Black family, but Aberforth and his sister are good people.

I suppose I leave this in their hands now. I don’t know if Regulus is correct with this whole “living planet” thing but Aberforth is sure worried about it and at this point, that is good enough for me. I send my love back home to my team and I have to hope at least one of us comes out alive. I feel okay about this now. I have faith in my team.

Universe Bowl VII: Post 6

This is a transmission I found from Governor Morris to the people of the playoff planet. I believe it is quite recent considering what else I have received. I will post this first as what has just come in is quite disturbing.

Dear Citizens of Feniks I,

I have feared for sometime now that this day was upon us.

For longer then I care to remember our lot in this universe has been that of perseverance through difficult times. We have been weathering these constant storms and despite our losses, we have always come through together and whole. I had often thought of a day when we may not come through and survive that storm.

I fear that day has finally come.

Despite our constant warnings and attempts at ridding ourselves of this awful threat we are finally at that moment where we can no longer sustain this fight. Something new has threatened our livelihood and it is time for us to leave. I cannot explain to you further without putting all of you in even greater danger. Please heed this warning and do exactly as I say.

At 0800 hours, three days from now, everyone who wants to leave this place will be taken off planet to find a new home for our world. There will be three ships leaving that morning with more then enough room to fit every living being on this planet. We insist on rounding up as many animals as you can find. We want our world to survive elsewhere and without bringing every-possible aspect of our world with us this will be impossible to do.

I realize this task is an overwhelming undertaking even with proper notice but since we have time working against us, we must complete this endeavor in as little time as possible. The three Trireme ships will be leaving the planet at twenty-minute intervals starting at 0800 sharp; so please start this process immediately. Spread word of this message as soon as you receive it and waste not a moment’s time.

I am so sorry that this day has come but if we can weather these next three days I promise you we can survive even this perilous situation. I hope to one day be able to explain this to everyone but until then, please trust me and be ready to leave at the time I have mentioned.

With My Deepest Sorrows,

Governor Bill Morris

Universe Bowl VII: Midget's Correspondent Post #2

Zufa here, this should be reaching you, I just don't know how long they are taking.

Something is terribly wrong with this world and I am not talking about from a morality standpoint. I can hear things, which is not unusual per se, but there is something wrong about it. There are many voices but all the voices are the same. It's like something is going through this world but does not have any control over it. This makes little sense so I apologize for that. 

I am all alone as everyone of my local workers have either left or have perished. I have seen no one else in a while but I feel as if I am constantly pushing something away. My strength is not fully with me at this point and I know I am going to need it if we are going to get off this place with anyone alive. I know that is the goal now, I need to find the others to let them know. We must leave this place immediately.

Something IS wrong with this world, like it is no longer in control of itself anymore. This world is no longer just a place...I believe it is a thing.

Universe Bowl VII: Kitties Correspondent Post #2

By Jacob Black
Shrouded Forest

The strangeness of this place has not gotten any easier to take in over the last few weeks. All the magic types have been working tirelessly to figure out what is going on still but as of right now, they sure don’t have much to show for it. Our camp has been very well guarded, as we are still intact, despite the two fights we have been involved in.

Last week sometime, it could have been six days ago but honestly we have lost track of the days around here. I believe it was six days but I suppose it didn’t matter. Aberforth does detection spells every couple of hours and on that day he saw something coming towards the north. Jared and I went out to take whatever it was on and we came upon a lone ring holder. Given he was by himself and only had a blue ring on, which from what little knowledge I have of the rings, is fairly useless by itself. He still attempted to flee but Jared took him down with little fight. We have the ring now, though it seems about as useless to us as it was to him.

The fight yesterday was a different story though. Both bladed creatures came back to find us and I assume take us down once in for all. Ha, if they only knew who they were picking a fight with. Again because of Aberforth, we could tell someone was coming, which sure is a nice defense system to have on our side. Quil and Paul took lead on this one and since we knew where they were, we had the upper hand. Not that she didn’t pack a good punch, cause she did. Paul took the first strike and it was a doozy, knocking her to the ground but before he could do anything, the male came out of nowhere and stabbed Paul real good in the leg. You could hear his howl for a mile away I imagine but that is where Sam came in and jumped right on his back.

He probably would have gotten the upper hand but before he could get out from under him, Jared and I tore at his face until there wasn’t much left of it. We crushed the skull after a while, though it did take sometime before we could manage that. This is where the female attacked me and got me pretty damn good actually. Right in the stomach she got me, just held her claws in me like it was a personal vendetta, which I imagine it was. She thrashed at me for a while, something that I am still feeling today but luckily Quil and Sam pulled her away from me and finished her off once and for all.

It was a good fight, something that we had been looking for since we met up with them last time. They have me resting as my wounds for some reason still have not healed, something that has become sort of a running joke around here. Quil keeps calling me Gimpy, something he will come to regret when I fully heal. Nothing else much to report on I suppose other then the fact that we still have not heard anything from anyone else. This place is quiet and not in a good way. No wildlife or anything. The place just feels dead. Like I mentioned earlier, not getting any easier to understand this place. Can’t wait to get off this rock.

I’ll write back soon when something else happens. Until then, I guess this is goodbye

Universe Bowl VII: Post 5

By Nickatu
August 20, 2014
Vitality City

Silence fell over the city as both teams found it difficult to use any form of stealth-tactics to their advantage. As we have been hearing, every store has been abandoned and for the most part devoid of any life forms. Unlike previous early reports, there have not been any sign of locals for sometime. Everything that we’ve been able to understand points to a possible underground hideout that they have either put together recently or the government facilities to which we know already exist. 

The day started out good for the Kitties as Monarch made quick work of Blue Devil, eviscerating him with a quick blast of energy that left nothing but blue mist in his place. This was quickly met with force, as Mighty Mouse took none too kindly to the sudden demise of his friend. The battle for dominance on the city street lasted a while but in the end, it was Monarch who stood victorious over the once Super mouse.

On the other end of the street, the degraded Zombie Sonic not so quickly caught up with the swinging Spider-Ham, though his speed was enough to take a bite out of his jugular, which left him bleeding on the street, dead. The thirst quenched Sonic stood for a moment satisfied but before he was able to manage any forward movement, he went limp and fell to the ground. The sudden death of their teammate is always a shock but from what has been happening so far in this match, it means that a quick exit was in order for Monarch, as he teleported away from the city.

After that, reports are a little sketchy but from what I understand, Stass Allie and Red Arrow had been doing fly bys around the city for protection. Not quite sure from whom, as from everything we had been hearing nobody was there. But as they flew by, the entire cityscape engulfed in flames, not only swatting both of them out of the sky, but also burning the city to the ground. Wreckage from the planes was seen outside the city (along with the bodies)

It is unclear if the attack was from the Phoenix Force (the most likely culprit) or if it was just another strange occurrence that continues to plague this battle. More to come as we figure it out.

UPDATE:

Reports from Master Allie’s communicator in fact confirm a sighting of the Phoenix Force entity just seconds before communications were lost with the late Jedi Master. This is the first confirmed sighting of the Midget’s most fearsome combatant. A strong first showing for sure, a showing that will no doubt put the Kitties on notice.

The most interesting part of this report though does not involve the teams at all. About an hour after the city was scorched we are told that the city itself was gone. In its place was an enormous sinkhole nearly five miles wide. This is the first such report of a massive sinkhole so I will keep up on this to see if there is anything else like it.

Universe Bowl VII: Post 4

Thanks to Zufa pulling off some tricks that I thought only her daughter had in her, communications are back up and running. I am getting far too much data to post all of it but lest I say, there will be a lot coming at you in a very short time.

Promise to posting very soon.

Nickatu the Watcher

Universe Bowl VII: Midget's Correspondent Post #1

Are you getting this? I have no idea if this is going through to anyone but here it goes. This is Zufa Cenva reporting from, well, I am not quite sure where this place is called, but it is basically just an abandoned barn I believe. Things are bad here. It has been bad here from the start. I will admit, I have not seen any combat in weeks as I have built my own outpost with a group of locals. It has taken me the last ten days to gather enough raw materials to construct a working telegraph system here, a telegraph system that I know works, but has not as of yet, given me any incoming data.

Which is why I am not quite sure if this is going to anyone.

Things are not quite as they seem here. I know we are supposed to be fighting against the “Kitties” as they are being called, but it was made quite clear early on that they are not the only ones here on this planet. We lost a lot early on. I was part of a battalion early in the battle that included Deadshot, the bloodsucker and Usagi. It was a group I was proud to be a part of, that was until we met up with….It.

Don’t get me wrong, the Dumbledore’s were there and held their hold their own. They easily took down Deadshot without so much as a fight. When it came to the others though, I am still not quite sure what happened. The bloodsucker (who I figured was the strongest of all of us) just went still. Affected by it immediately, she just collapsed and turned to ash. Usagi thought he could fight it but, well, there is no fighting it. IT just wins, no matter what you do. So like I said, something is going on here and I suspect it is not the Kitties (again, not my name for them) who are in control of it.

If this is going out to anyone please listen up (Even if it is someone from my supposed opponent). Take cover and hide. I am working on a defense but as of yet, I have nothing. Stay strong and lie low. This is not the playoff planet of old. Something has changed. Something else is in control.

Zufa Cenva, signing out.

Universe Bowl VII: Post 3

I intercepted a partial letter earlier today that may be of interest to you. I am still trying to retrieve the rest of it but until now this will have to do. I am also sending in others to give me information on what is going on because if what this letter has to say is true, this battle will not be going on for much longer.

...means that very quickly our entire planet, including everything inhabiting it will be overtaken by it.

The timetable is still fuzzy at this point, but our most conservative estimates put the total annihilation of our planet at 184 days, just over six months. Bill, I know much of what you have supported in the past has been overzealous to say the least, but I know even you never wanted anything like this. We took the power away from the Watchers and in the process, have destroyed everything that we originally sought out to save. Please Bill, please believe me when I say everything in this letter is deadly serious and do whatever you can to help us.

We will continue to find a way to fight this but as of right now, we have nothing. Once the planet is infected, there will be nothing we can do. Though as one of our chief analyst’s pointed out, we are not fighting an infection, we are fighting the cure.

With Sincere Regrets,

Governor Morris

Universe Bowl VII: Kitties Correspondent Post #1

I finally received word from the Kitties (Sorry, this is the name that is being used now) Correspondent, Jacob Black. I believe this is current information but I have yet to verify that. Anyways, it seems to be from him and not a hoax. Anyways, here it is.

By Jacob Black

August 8, 2014 (I believe)

Shrouded Forest

Sorry this has taken so long, getting to a point where I could write one of these was more challenging then I would have ever thought. This has been more of an endurance contest then a battle. The Midgets have been a huge pain to deal with and that is not including everything else we have been dealing with. I will get back to that in a second though, I assume you want to know what has been going on.

We arrived I guess a couple of weeks ago, though it feels like months at this point. I’ve been to this place before but something has changed since the last time I set foot on this rock. Well actually, that’s the thing, nothing has changed, not like it usually does at least. This place is not exactly a vacation hotspot, but it usually looks the same for the most part. When we arrived, the crew I was placed with, my pack, along with The Boom Boom crew (Arjan hates when I call them that) landed in the forest, which naturally worked out well for us. The forest is our home after all.

Only this forest wasn’t like any forest that we were used to. We are used to a forest that is teaming with life, full of movement and constantly changing. This forest resembled nothing like that. This forest was brown and silent with not a life form in sight. We were here a full day before we saw a single soul. It was a native we assumed because as soon as it saw us, it ran away. Quil and I attempted to chase it down but before we could catch it, it fell to the ground. We thought maybe it got tripped up or something but when we caught up to it, the thing was dead.

Nothing came out and attacked it, hell, there wasn’t a mark on the thing. It just fell down and died, like the running itself killed him. Evette examined the thing but couldn’t find anything wrong with it. It seemed fine except for the fact that it was no longer alive. After about an hour or so, we decided to take off in the opposite direction as we had no desire to find out what killed that poor thing. I have heard rumours of ‘Dead Zones’ from the elders, not that I have ever believed in such a thing, but it also wasn’t a theory that I felt like testing at that moment.

We traveled again for another couple of hours and that is when we met our first test. Big Red was at the edge of the forest taking a beating from the shirtless wonder. When I say beating, I mean a beating. Why he was taking him on alone I have no idea but there wasn’t time to question him when I got there. My pack was quite a ways behind me at the time (what can I say, nobody can catch me) so it was up to me to help out.

I jumped into the fight head first, knocking Conan down to the ground. Using my ring (not something I am fond of but since I had it, I figured I might as well use it) I created a protection barrier around Big Red to offer him some relief. While I was doing that though, Conan cracked me on the side of the head with the butt of his sword, sending me down to the ground. Things went fuzzy for a second but all I know is, when I came to it, my ring was off my hand and before I could even reach for it, that Barbarian crushed it with his sword.

A lot of good that thing was.

The upside to losing the ring though came in the form of Big Red charging at Conan and knocking him into a nearby tree. The collision caused the tree to fall down due to the impact. This gave me the chance to jump on top of him, allowing me to sink my teeth into his neck. I thought maybe it would take a little extra to break through but as it turned out, he wasn’t much stronger (at least when it came to his neck) then your average human. By the time we got back up and regained our bearings, the rest of my team was there to see the aftermath of the fight.

A victory no doubt, but it sure didn’t last long. 

The two of them came out of nowhere, I swear they were watching Conan take us on but regardless of what they were doing before, they sure didn’t waste anymore time on the sidelines after that. They took out the Boom Boom crew first, tearing right through them like they were defenseless children. Claws through the necks of the doctor and Evette before we even knew they were there. It didn’t take long after that, Groudious found himself on the ground without the use of his legs soon enough (claws right through his calves) and Arjan faired no better as he was dead to us moments later. Sam knocked the male down to the ground, saving Bagwa for the moment, but the female sliced Sam right across the chest, allowing her access and eventually taking the life of the little guy.

Once Quil, Jared and I realized what had happened we were able to take a stand against them, giving us the momentary upper hand. Quil and Jared held down the male but before I knew it, the female tore right through Jared’s grip and picked up her companion and took off. I chased after them for a while but I lost them quickly after that. I went back to help the guys and found a very wounded Jared and a shaken up Sam.

It took Jared a while to heal (a good twelve hours) and since then we have found a couple other members of our team. Right now we are camped out in a “safe house” in the forest, hoping to hear from some of the others. Sam, Jared, Quil and I keep a look out while the Dumbledore’s and the other three wizard’s try and figure out what is going on around here. The voice’s we are hearing are very strange. At times it is very busy and then it goes silent.

Like I said earlier, this place has changed and before we go out and find more trouble we want to know what we are up against. I will send more information when I have it, but until then, we are lying low. Hope this is good for now, if it isn’t, well, it’s all I have.

Universe Bowl VII: Post 2

By Nickatu the Watcher
August 5, 2014
Fantasy Fantasy Press

For some reason it has been difficult to gather information from the playoff planet. I lost contact almost immediately and have been getting shotty (i.e. unconfirmed information) ever since then. Below I will report on the few facts that I have thus far.

Supergirl is missing. This report is over a week old at this point but from everything I have heard, she went missing in the Particle Valley after a fight with the Wicked Witch of the East. (More information to come)

The Silverhawks, yes all of them, were destroyed by The Eradicator minutes after the battle commenced. All I have heard is that there was a flash, and then nothing. The Midgets made a statement and from what I understand, the Kitties understood it.

He-Man (who was on his ninth death), found himself in a fight with both Red Hulk and Jacob Black. Though he was able to destroy Mr. Black’s Star Sapphire ring, he was not strong enough to hold off the two of them. I am not quite sure why he ended up with a two on one fight, but it was too much for him in the end.

Below will be the only thing that I will report on that has not been confirmed.

The Layanderlet’s correspondent told me very early on, that there was a rumour going around that Wonder Women is dead. She had been in a fight with the Zombie Version of Supergirl when they were both said to have fallen silent and disappeared. I have no way of confirming it (as I lost contact with him) but this story caused quite the stir on both sides of the field. Again, it may not be accurate, but it is what I have heard.

Still have not heard from my Sisterhood correspondent but I am hoping to hear something soon. Until then, I will keep you posted on anything else I can find out and will continue to get my sources together to bring everybody as much as I can find.

More to come very shortly.

Universe Bowl VII

Post 1

Welcome everyone to another addition of the Fantasy Fantasy Universe Bowl. This as everyone by now knows, is the seventh iteration of the final match of the year. Seven years in we are still going, something that is both incredible and overwhelming. When I first was asked to report on this years match, I admit, I was not quite sure how I was going to accomplish it. Still, as I look at both Layander and the Midgets squads I feel a sense of disbelief in how it is going to all go down. To say both teams are more then up to the challenge of being this year’s Universe Bowl champion is an understatement.

It never ceases to amaze me as a watcher how good both finals teams truly are. Layanderette, a team that I would not have chosen to make the finals this year has quieted any opponent out there. Lead by the ever-powerful Supergirl, along with basically the entire Kingdom Come crew, the team is well balanced and more then capable of competing in the final match of the season.

On the other end of the league is another unlikely combatant, The Sisterhood of Evil Midgets, who is making their second Universe Bowl appearance. Too say they are the unlikely of the two teams is only in regards to their position in the standings with one week to go. Some have said that they skated into the playoff by the skin of their teeth. They faced two incredibly difficult opponents in George Washington’s Slaves and the perennial favorites, The Horsemen of Apokolips. The strange thing about saying they are the unlikely of the two is that by looking at their team, you would never guess that they wouldn’t be the favorite. With such powerhouse members as the Phoenix Force, Emperor Joker and the Eradicator, you would think they would be the favorite in any match they fought in.

With all of that being said though, this is going to be a close one. As both teams are well on their ways to the playoff planet I too have been sending people of my own to cover this grandest of events. I mentioned earlier that watching this event was an overwhelming responsibility for me and it still is. It is also a responsibility that I take with the utmost seriousness and for that I have decided to do things a little bit differently this time around.

Instead of just explaining what is going on for this match, I have decided to report on it like a proper journalist should. I have enlisted the help of every watcher that I have at my disposal and with them, I plan on reporting on as many facets of the event as we can. I have also met up with one member of each team and with their help and assistance, plan on getting as much in camp and on site information as there is possible to report on. I will as of this time keep both teams’ exact rosters a secret, as to keep their opponents in the dark as much as possible.

I will also be functioning as a proper news agency, which means that with the help of the Fantasy Press we will be accepting feedback and will listen to the readers when it comes to anything they are interested in hearing about. I hope this will be fun way to experience the final match of the season, a way for there to be as much of an open dialogue into what should be the most exciting match of the season.

With that being said, both teams have their work cut out for themselves as do we Watchers. I wish both teams the best of luck out there and we will be back with you as soon as the battle gets under way.

Good luck everyone and have a great night.

Sincerely,

Nickatu the Watcher

Season 7, Consolation Round 3 - Horsemen vs Turrible Decisions

Ryatu looks up from his desk inside the Horsemen clubhouse as a knock is heard on his door.  Taking the last swig of Jack Daniels from a bottle, he drops it to the floor with the others.  His anger over his loss in the conference finals has turned to depression.  The last thing he wants to do is talk to or see another person.

“Enter! You F#$%ING Loser!”

Snowflame enters his office and while he is normally very vocal and outgoing, he is extremely reserved in the presence of his owner.

“Mr Ryatu…” He begins, “some of the guys are… well… the guys were wondering why…” he struggles to get the question out.

“Spit it out SnowFu*k!” says and annoyed Ryatu who cracks open a new bottle.

“Well, sir.  It’s the trades.  We all felt like we had a good season.  Back to back 8-1 seasons, a championship last year and we went really far this year too.”

“You guys lost, Snowglobe.  That makes you ALL losers.  And I don’t keep losers on my team!” Ryatu says opening his laptop.  “So what team do you want to go to?  I hear the Rabble Rousers are looking for a bench warmer.  Maybe I’ll trade you for a dozen Smurfs”

“Please.  No.  I need to stay!” Snowflame begs,  “I’m a Horseman.  I don’t belong on any other team.  Plus I got so many guys hooked on coke that you would have half your roster in withdrawals for next year.  We aren’t losers sir.  We are a great team.”

“Pretty sure you are still a loser.” Ryatu says leaning back in his chair. “But if you want to prove me wrong, go show me where it counts.  Go show the league what happens when you f*#k with The Horsemen.”

Snowflame stands up straight with pride.  “Yes, sir” he says before turning to head out the door.  Ryatu stops him as he hovers in the threshold.

“And Snowball…” Ryatu says as Snowflame looks back, “ Send a fu#*&ing message.”

-------

“Quit screaming!” Snowflame yells as he is repeatedly punching Sandra Bullock in the face.  He already broke both her arms and legs to keep her in one spot.  Snowflame stops the attack and looks down on her mangled face and smiles.  The academy award winning actress has finally calmed down enough and has focused her energy on taking deep breaths.  She coughs and gags on her own blood and teeth, spitting them back in the face of her attacker.  “Dumb Bitch” he says giving her another large backhand.

He stands up and wipes the blood off his face on Care Becks’ soft belly. He has the vile bear bound and gagged with his belt and even though he is filled with rage, he can’t help but giggle as Snowflame inadvertently tickles his belly.  Snowflame slings the teddy ruxpin wanna be back over his left shoulder, secured in his belt, and sets Bullock on his right.  He climbs down to where the giant Donkey Kong lay docile on the ground.  His breathing is rhythmic but slowing. He is unable to move after having his spinal cord cut.

“Stay with me Kong.” Snowflame says. Don’t go ruining the surprise by dying on me.

“What are you going to do?” a terrified Bullock asks.

“You know who John Madden is?” Snowflame asks.  “This is going to be a sort of tribute to one of his favorite meals.”

Snowflame drops Bullock to the ground without care and taking out his knife, cuts the belly of Care Becks open and removes handfuls of stuffing.  Without the support of the cotton, Care Becks can only watch as Snowflame drops his pants and takes a dump inside the open chest cavity of the bear.

Terrified and appalled, Bullock watches as Snowflame approaches her.  “You’re next sweetie.” he says, removing her clothes and exposing her bare torso.  He stops for a second and grins as he takes in her naked form.  His grin fades and he turns the knife around in the palm of his hand.  Hovering over her, he cuts her open from sternum to navel.  Bullock nearly passes out from the pain.  Picking up the shit filled bear, Snowflame opens up the flesh of Bullock and crams the bear inside her.

In similar fashion, he opens up the belly of the beast and stuffs Bullock & Bear in with the intestines of Donkey Kong.

Taking out a Zippo, he lights it, looking into the eyes of Kong.

“Nobody Fucks with the Horsemen.” He says as he tosses the lighter.

This sets the fur of Donkey Kong on fire, engulfing the trio, who are relieved to finally die.

Trade Update...

The Horsemen of Apokolips have made the following trades:

The Dinobots: Slag, Snarl, Sludge and Swoop to THE COMMANDOS for The Sucker Punch Crew.

White Suite Anakin Skywalker and CM Punk to MICKEY MOUSE GRINDHOUSE for Black Tom Cassidy and Stryfe.

Darkseid to THE EMPIRE for Faker.

Godzilla, Batman, Commissioner Jim Gordon, Alfred Pennyworth, Elderly Bruce Wayne w/ his dog, R2 Unit #11 and Bedtime Bear to THE ROYAL HIGHNESS for Professor Charles Xavier, Imhotep, Anak Sanamun and the A-Team.

Season 7, Week 3 Consolation Match: Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. Real Man's Rabblerousers

“Looks so good, bring a tear to your eye.  Sweet cherry pie, yeah.”

            -Warrant [Cherry Pie]

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 3 Consolation Match located at the Pie Stage of Donkey Kong. They are as follows:

Murderflies: Vampire Lestat.

Rabblerousers: Sheeva.

A LOUD SMASH IS HEARD AS A PIE STRIKES THE GROUND FLOOR. 

Let the match begin. . .

Sheeva’s battle cry is heard as it echoes across the tower of ladders and conveyors.

Sheeva: For the Shokan!!!

Sheeva rushes at Lestat and utilizes her “throw” move to grab the vampire using her upper arms, while delivering two body blows using her lower arms.  Lestat falls to the girder below.  The vampire looks up to see Sheeva attempting to “jump stomp” him.  Lestat is too quick as he twists over the warrior and sinks his teeth into the neck of Sheeva.  The bite does some damage, but not enough to fatally wound the Mortal Kombat fighter.  Lestat soars in the air at Sheeva, who uses her “anti-air grab” move to capture the undead midair, throwing him to the ground and then stomping on both his chest and groin. 

Lestat:  You b@#ch!

Lestat shakes off the pain and delivers a strike across the neck of Sheeva, who screams in pain as blood begins to trickle down her sinewy form. 

Sheeva manages to capture Lestat in a bear hug.  Lestat struggles, but the Shokan holds true.  Sheeva uses a signature move and rips Lestat’s arms off with her lower arms, slaps the vampire twice in the face with his severed arms, breaking his neck with the second slap.  Lestat cracks his neck back into place by sheer will alone.  Taking advantage of the situation, Sheeva brings her fists down upon Lestat’s head in succession using her “hammerhead” move, driving him into the ground.  The pies repeatedly strike Lestat’s face, whose head only rises above the level. 

Sheeva then uses her signature move – “stomping fatality” to finish off Lestat.

 

King of Consolation: B3 vs Nutbusters.

Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches are: Triple H w/red lightsaber, The Rock w/ blue lightsaber and Dr Evil w/ indigo lantern ring.

Griswold's Nut-Busters are: Age of Apocalypse Nightcrawler, ICP (Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J), Marlon Brando, and Ewok Child #1


The Nut-Busters arrive in the trap door level of Donkey Kong Country and lay their eyes on their prize- Admiral Ackbar's 2 seater B-Wing.

Suddenly, Ackbar's security system begins to blare

"IT'S A TRAP" *SIREN NOISE* "IT'S A TRAP" *SIREN NOISE* "IT'S A TRAP"

"Yo. Yoyoyo. That sh*t is MAD annoying" yells Shaggy 2 Dope

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THAT WACA** ALARM" screams Violent J

Suddenly Violent J is decapitated in a red flash and a blue lightsaber explodes through Shaggy's chest the other Nut-Busters whirl around and see Triple H and The Rock standing before them. Triple H clicks a button and the sound "beep boop" silences the alarm.

"They said that alarm is annoying and that this was a trap" smirks Triple H.

The Nut-Busters rush forward when one of the trap doors opens beneath their feet sending them plummeting to their deaths.

"Well that was easy" says the Rock

"Yeah, a little TOO easy" replies The Game.

BAMF AoA Nightcrawler appears in fromt of them.

"Ello, and En Garde" he says as he takes a sword fighting stance.

"The Rock's got this one." says Dwayne Johnson as Triple H motions for him to go ahead

They began to duel. Nightcrawler avoids all of the People's Champ's death blows by teleportation, but his code of honor will not let him attack his opponent from behind. He finally gains the advantage, and stabs The Rock through the chest.

Unfortunately, Triple H doesn't share the same honorable code and immediately  hits Nightcrawler from behind as the Rock dies, lacerating his tendon and rendering him unable to walk.

"Valiant effort, but if there's one thing a Beckman is good at, it's costing someone from Apocalypse a championship. He goes to finish off Nightcrawler when there's a shimmer of orange light and a loud explosion.

Superman appears in front of him.

Superman, seeing the scene playing out in front of him rushes forward and snaps the dazed Triple H's neck before he can strike.

"What was that for?" asks Nightcrawler as he struggles to his feet.

"I don't have much time" says Superman "I have to get back to my match against the Commandos but before I go I need you to tell me everything you can about the Phoenix Force. It's a matter of life and..."

before he can finish his sentence or get the information that just might save his life, Superman disappears into the timestream again, not knowing if he'll return to his original match or at another random time.

Nightcrawler reaches his feet and begins to laugh through the pain.

"We did it. We DID IT!! We're the Kings of..."

His head explodes in a flash of indigo light.

Dr Evil raises his pinky to his lips and says

"Nok."

Universe Bowl VII

I would like to formally congratulate both Layanderlet`s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to make a New Family and The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets for making it to the seventh annual Universe Bowl.

As everyone knows it is a long season and not an easy task to make it this far. I hope that you will be enjoying the next two months as this match will be soon getting under way.

The format of this match will be slightly different so if at first it comes off as strange, just stick with it. It will all make sense in the end.

With that I wish the both of you luck and I hope you both enjoy the story that is to come. The first post can be expected shortly.

Nickatu the Watcher

Consolation Round 3: The Empire vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

The Empire is: Watchdogs #5-8

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Vanisher


The Empire's Watchdogs arrived at Donkey Kong's pie level on a mission. They had word that some immoral activity was underway at the pastry factory; Apes behaving inappropriately toward women, women dressing provocatively, and perhaps worst of all the delicious desserts being put to waste in the commotion. As they scaled the conveyor belts, they came across an absurdly costumed man walking casually along the belt and eating from the oncoming pies. "Thief! Those pies are the property of Entenmann's, a subsidiary of Bimbo Bakeries USA!" Shooting first and asking questions later, Watchdog #5 fired his shotgun, but Vanisher had vanished. He heard a crack and turned to see #7 carried away by conveyor with a broken neck. "Stealing pies AND murder? Show yourself and accept corporal punishment immediately!" Vanisher obliged and appeared between #6 and #8, pushing them from the sides of the platform before disappearing again. "Only God should have the power to be anywhere at once!" #5 began firing wildly around him hoping to hit his unseen enemy. Vanisher appeared behind him, grabbed him by the arms and pointed the shotgun at the Watchdog holding it. "Wait, please! We were just here to murder an endangered Giant Cartoon Ape for lewd misconduct!" he cried. Vanisher raised the barrel away. "Oh, you just wanted to see the ape? Why didn't you say so?" Again he grabbed #5 and the teleported to the top of the level where he shoved #5 into the raging Donkey Kong. "Happy to help!"

Rob C is Back!!!

Hello FFL lads:
I'm back from Jolly Ole' England and I madest me a song, I did!  Keep in your head that Mary Poppins movie as you hum to yourself me sonnet.  Enjoy lads!!!  Rob C out!!!


Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-ee
I'm back from Jolly England
It's me boys, Rob C

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-oo
I blew all the boys
And drank all their goo

Now as the ladder of life
Has been strung
You may think Rob C's
On the bottommost rung

Though I spends me time
With the young lads and blokes
In this 'ole wide world
There's nothing I'd rather smoke

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-ee
I am a pedi
A boy lover is me

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-oo
Good luck will rub off
When I suck your testes blue

 I choose me sex toys
With pride, yes, I do
A clamp for the shaft
And a bristle for your flute

Up where the special sauce
Is all billered and curled
'Tween balls and the head
Is Rob C's world

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-ee
That's all I have to say
Signing off is Rob C.

Consolation: Round 3: Grindhouse vs. Commandos

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse features: Wizard Nick Houslander w/flesh rotting gun and Golem gun, and Geoff Johns w/healing gun.

The Spirit of Barack Obama and Miley "Twerking it for America" Touring Commandos are: Foolkiller.

This match is unwatchable, as Foolkiller has exterminated NuFaGtu.

Cleaning House....

The entire coaching staff for the Horsemen of Apokolips have been relinquished of their duties and have also been each executed. Every single member of the roster have been put on noticed that NO ONE is safe from being traded after quite possibly the most abysmal performance seen in a Conference Championship.