Week 3 Consolation Matches Match #5: Built Ford Tough vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

Built Ford Tough is Harrison Ford

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies are Ron Popeil and Aunt May

Ron Popeil knew how cold it was going to be during this match. He also knew that he was going to be with an elderly woman. In preparation for the match he thought about creating a suit of some sort to keep her warm. In thinking about how much time a suit like this would take to create, he instead just decided to hit up Burlington Coat Factory and get her a really warm jacket. Ron naturally had a few tricks up his sleeve for this match. By tricks up his sleeve I mean he brought a blowtorch with him.

Harrison Ford on the other hand lives in Montana. He is used to the tough winters, so this match will be nothing for him. As Harrison enters the ditch he is disappointed to find out it is more or less a swimming pool of the nastiest s#%@ you have ever seen.

“ What the hell did you do to this thing Ron? Harrison says to the crazy inventor.

“ I decided to use my blow torch on the ditch and melt all of the snow and ice. I’m beginning to think it was a bad idea though.”

“ Yeah, you think. How the hell are we going to fight in this? I mean, look at Aunt May. She looks like she is dying of hypothermia.”

Ron looks back at Aunt May and says, “ Yeah, I think she is already dead, so it’s not really that big of a deal anymore.”

“ I am not dead Ron, I’m just really cold” Aunt May says to Mr. Popeil.

“ Oh, I sorry Aunt May. I just assumed you were dead.”

“ Why, I survived the last match with you. Plus, I wouldn’t be doing that bad if it weren’t for your stupid flamethrower. This jacket you bought me was doing its job until you had to go and try to “fix” the situation.” Aunt May says this to Ron in an almost scolding type of manner.

“ Just wait a second, I am going to test out my world dehydrator.”

“ Your what? Do not turn that thing on. You are going to kill us all” Harrison says to the inventor.

“ Don’t worry about it Harry. O.k., just wait one second while it warm’s up.” Ron is getting his machine ready when Harrison decides to take matters into his own hands. Harrison takes out his Indiana Jones whip, which he naturally always has on his side and knocks over the machine. This angers the inventor to the point in which he actually begins to run over to the aging movie star.

Meanwhile, the machine that Ron was trying to turn on falls into the water. Harrison gets ready for his encounter with the inventor when all of sudden the water in the ditch starts to go down. They both stand there and watch as Ron’s world dehydrator soaks up all of the water in the ditch.

“ See Harry, I told you it would work just fine.”

“ Don’t call me Harry.” Harrison says to Ron Popeil.

They are both still staring at the now dry ground when Harrison notices that Ron and Aunt May’s noses are bleeding. He then touches his own nose and notices the same thing is happening to him. He looks one more at the machine on the ground and knocks Ron right on top of it.

“ What the hell did you do that for?” Popeil says to Ford.

“ Your machine is sucking up all of the moisture in the area pal. If you don’t turn it off soon it is going to suck up all of the moisture in our bodies.” (A bit of a stretch I know)

“ Well, I didn’t really have time to develop an off switch. I guess I could just bash it with a stick until it dies” Ron says to both Harrison and Aunt May.

“ Well that’s sort of funny, because I was just thinking of doing the same to you”.

“ You wouldn’t Mr. Ford” Aunt May said.

“ No Aunt May, I really would.” Harrison Ford then proceeded to beat Ron Popeil with a large stick until he was lying on the ground. He did eventually stop hitting him with a stick and instead got down to the ground and snapped the inventor’s neck. Harrison then got back up and walked towards Aunt May, who was now choking due to the lack of moisture in the air.

“ It’s up to you Aunt May, how do you want to die? I can just wait for this machine to kill you or I can do you myself.”

“ How about we wait it out and see who dies first, I think that’s a fair enough way to figure this out.” Aunt May says this hoping Harrison will go for it.

“ Well, we could do that I suppose. Though I think I’d rather do this instead.” Harrison then knocks the old woman to the ground and strangles her to death with his whip. After the old woman has gasped her last breathe, Harrison puts his whip back on his side. He then climbs out of the ditch and tries to get as far away from the dehydration machine as possible. He then looks down at his whip and says to himself, “ George is right, I really am Indiana Jones.”

Built Ford Tough is Victorious!