"The trees themselves are strangers."
―Jolee Bindo [src]
I look at the teams to do battle on Kashyyk during this pre-season match. They are as follows:
Commandos: Rodimus Prime, Tarful, Claire Danes, David Hasselhoff, Rachel Ray, Batzarro, Dora, Backpack, Map, Boots, Benny, Tico, Isa, Ahmed Best, Zombie Al Dawg, Zombie Dozer #1, Ewok Baby #5.
Brigade: Emperor Palpatine, Darth Nihilus, Karg, Skeletor Crack Troopers #1 and #2 and Stormtrooper #51.
Dora, with Backpack in tow, walks with her friends Boots, Benny, Tico and Isa in the Kashyyk forest.
Dora: Ola! We need to get to safety! There are a lot of very bad things out there! How are we going to get to safety? Who do we ask when we don’t know which way to go . . . . . . . Right, Map! Say Map….
Map magically flies out of Backpack. Map then shows the Commando members in Dora’s posse how to reach safety. To reach safety, they must travel over the Woolwarricca Plains, through the Myyydril Caves and end on the Wartaki Islands.
Map: Woolwarricca Plains; Myyydril Caves; Wartaki Islands. Woolwarricca Plains; Myyydril Caves; Wartaki Islands.
Dora: Okay everyone, come on, vamanos!
The group travels through the forest to the Woolwarricca Plains. They notice Stormtrooper #51 and hide in the plain’s foliage. Stormtrooper #51 has feelings of rejection, having recently learned of his failure to make the latest cut of Vader’s 501st. The Imperial soldier sees a rustle amongst the bushes. These are not the same bushes that Dora and her friends are in though; he notices a person who almost single-handedly destroyed the Star Wars franchise- Ahmed Best. Best is stumbling with his arms flailing in the air. Best is heard muttering high pitched and annoying anecdotes to himself. Stormtrooper #51 puts Best out of his misery with a blast between the eyes. Stormtrooper #51 then notices Dora and her companions. He lowers his blaster and is about to fire when he is attacked by Tarful. The battle between Tarful and the Stormtrooper is monumental, but Tarful is eventually bested and killed. While the two are in their deadly battle, Dora and her crew escape.
Dora’s posse reaches a small forest. They are met by Skeletor’s Crack Troopers #1 and #2. The Crack Troopers smile to themselves as they know Dora’s group is easy prey. As the Troopers are about to fire their blasters and kill the youngsters, Batzarro comes upon the scene. Batzarro uses his metal chain to wrap around the legs of, and trip, Trooper #1. Although Trooper #1 falls to the ground, Trooper #2 manages to fire his weapon and kill Batzarro. The Dora crew now faces imminent death from Skeletor’s Crack Troopers. The Troopers stride toward Dora and her friends when they are attacked by Zombie Al Dawg and Zombie Dozer #1. Although the two were somewhat weak characters while living, in death, both Zombie Al Dawg and Zombie Dozer #1 are forces to be reckoned with. The two zombies manage to overpower and kill Trooper #2. As they are about to attack Trooper #1, Karg joins the fray. While Skeletor’s minions are fighting the zombies, Dora and her friends escape. Meanwhile, the field commander of Skeletor’s army joins his soldier and together, they destroy Zombies Dawg and Dozer.
Dora’s group reaches the Myyydril Caves. They hear sounds within the cave and slowly creep inside. They see teammates Rachel Ray, David Hasselhoff and Claire Danes. Ray is cooking burgers on a small hibachi while a drunken Hasselhoff is on the ground eating a hamburger in his Baywatch trunks and Daines is reminiscing about “My So Called Life.” It is incredulous that her teammates are not involved in the battle, but instead are acting like self-absorbed f@$ks.
Dora: Rachel! David! Claire! We need help to find the Wartaki Islands!
Karg (entering the caves with Crack Trooper #1): You will not find it now. . .
Hasselhoff (rises, with his burger in hand): Step off, says the Hoff!
The original Knight Rider is riddled with blaster fire. Shortly after, his body is joined by Claire Danes and Rachel Ray. In the ruckus, Dora’s clan manages to escape, once again.
The Dora troop finally manages to reach the waters which lead to the Wartaki Islands. She sees now, why safety is there. In the near distance, she sees a small islet with Rodimus Prime (and Baby Ewok #5 on his shoulder). Rodimus scans the beach and sees what is about to transpire with Karg and Crack Trooper #1 lowering their blasters at the Commando crew.
Rodimus: Dora, down!!!
As Dora and the remaining Commandos duck, Rodimus pinpoints his enemies and blasts Karg and Crack Trooper #1. Ewok Baby #5 excitedly shouts at Rodimus killing the two Brigade members. Dora and her crew use the bodies of Karg and Crack Trooper #1 as flotation devices in order to reach the Rodimus islet. A blaster shot is heard in the distance. Ewok Baby #5’s head is blown off of his shoulders. The Commandos turn around to see Stormtrooper #51’s blaster muzzle smoking. Out from the brush, joining the Empire’s soldier, are Darth Nihilus and Emperor Palpatine. Rodimus jumps over the Dora flotilla and battles Nihilus and Palpatine. The firepower of Rodimus repeatedly batters the Sith. Darth Nihilus takes the brunt of Prime’s blasts and eventually succumbs to the Autobot. Palpatine on the other hand, manages to turn Prime’s power back on the machine, and with his own force lightning, eventually proves that the Sith will one day rule again. Prime is destroyed.
Palpatine looks to Dora, Backpack, Map, Boots, Benny, Isa and Tico.
Palpatine: Dora, you and the others- join me and we will become a force to be reckoned with in the FFL. The Commandos do not respect your worth; come to the Dark Side; come to the Brigade!
Dora: Hannah and Barack respect us! They respect all on our team! We’ll never join you!
Palpatine: Entonces usted morirá!!!!
Lightning springs from Palpatine’s hands and kills the remaining Commandos. Their bodies fall into the water and their charred remains float on the surface. Palpatine turns to Stormtrooper #51.
Palpatine: Let’s see what strings I can pull with regard to your admission to the 501st. . .
Commandos: All dead.
Brigade: Emperor Palpatine and Stormtrooper #51 live.
L’NAPOLEON’S BRIGADE IS VICTORIOUS!!!
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3 comments:
I love the quotes.
I also love the respect that Dora and her crew command, it's hilarious.
Great match though, I just can't get past that nutty Emperor.
Obi Wan Kenobi, Even Piell, & Darth Sidious constructed the 3 lightsabers. Santino Corleone was given the red lightsaber (they sensed much hate in him), Practice Squad coach Carrie Bradshaw wsa given the blue one (it matched her purse), and Sprout was given the green one (it matched his body). Plus 3 points for each character.
Sprout with a lightsaber. There's something great about that.
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