Season 5: Week 4: Team Sleeping Pussy vs Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyaatches

Team Sleeping Pussy is:
Ka-Zar & Zabu, Wildcat, Moss Man, Den, Dark Beast, Black Cat, Blink, Giant Man, Leia Organa, Jedi, SHIELD Agent #6, Female Sentinel #10, Velociraptor #'s 31-35, Compsognathus #'s 54-60

Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyaatches is:
Victory Leo, Star Saber, Chaos King, Oblivion, Lord Chaos, Dracula, Fafnir, Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Wesley Windham Price

Backyardigans Headquarters

Chaos King: “Sup Alexis!”

Wesley Windham Price: (Mumbling under his breath) “Oh god…Hey King, how are you?”

Chaos King: “Oh come man, just call me Chaos.”

WWP: “Is there something you wanted.”

CK: “Oh you know, just wanted to say hey.”

WWP: "Okay, hey.”

CK: “How’s Ally doing?”

WWP: (Groaning) “For the hundredth time, I don’t know any Ally.”

CK: “Yeah man, you know I loved her in those Pie movies. Hey (Whispering to him) she ever let you use that flute on her in real life?”

WWP: “I as usual have no idea what you are referring to, now I have to prepare for this…”

CK: “I bet that thing smelled crazy afterwards. Oh hey, I know I’ve told you in the past man but that last episode of Angel where you died and Illyeria was holding you and asking you if you wanted her to turn back into Fred and you finally let her…holy shit man, I was crying like a little bitch.”

WWP: “If you are referring to when I actually died then yes, you have told me about it. It seems to be the only thing that you ever want to talk about. I am leaving now to prepare for the match, so please leave me alone.”

CK: (Laughing) “Yeah man, have a good one. Tell Ally I said hi!”

Wesley walks down the hall and flips the Chaos King the bird as he is walking away.

CK: (Still Laughing) “That guy's hilarious man.”


Sleeping Pussy Headquarters:

Leia Organa: “Come on people, we can win this match. The Backyardigans are going to be a wreck. Pablo’s death really knocked them on their butts this week. I say we strike em early and often. We are strong enough to be able to give the Doctor and the Silver Surfer the time they need to win this thing.”

Dark Beast: “Ahhh yeah, I don’t know if you heard but their not fighting with us this week.”

Leia: “Are you f#$%ing kidding me!”


Welcome, to Jurassic Park!

Den is riding in the front seat of the Ford Explorer taking in the sights of the Park. Black Cat is in the passenger seat of the car, well, her feet are in the seat as she is taking in the sights of Den’s nether regions. Blink and Leia are in the back seat trying to keep their attention on anything other then what is occurring right in front of them.

Den: “My goodness Felicia, you are one hell of a burglar because I think you just emptied me out.”

Black Cat just smiled and looked back at her fellow teammates.

Black Cat: “Okay girls, who wants next?”

Both Blink and Leia look at her with a look of disgust that quickly fades into a smile.

Leia: “Screw it, Den get back here and I’ll show you what a real women is like.”

Back in the other Explorer, Wildcat, Dark Beast and SHIELD Agent #6 are sitting there just staring into the car.

Wildcat: “This sucks man, why does Den always get the women.”

Dark Beast: “What, do you really think if you were in that car anything would actually be happening?”

Wildcat: “I don’t know, but it sure beats being in here with you guys.”

SHIELD Agent #6: “Oh come on, I didn’t know Leia was that flexible.”

Wildcat: “She is a Jedi after all.”

SA #6: “I guess that’s one way to use the force.”

Back in the other car

Leia: “And that’s how it’s done ladies.”

Blink: “That ain’t how it’s done, switch me spots you Jedi bitch, I’ll show you something that you ain’t ever gonna forget.”

What happened next surely was special but I’m not going to give out the details. Let me just say that she was in two places at once and so was he. It was oddly hot but slightly devastating on my overall mental state. After that was all done with I kind of figured Den would be finished for a bit but instead he opened up the car door and just left.

Den: “Well ladies, it’s been fun but I think I’ve done all that I can here. You have a lovely rest of the match.”

Leia: “Where are going to go?”

Den: “We came here with a lady sentinel and though I’m not sure what I can do with that, I’m gonna need to find out.”

Black Cat: “Well have fun I guess.”

All three ladies look pretty embarrassed but I don’t really know why. I mean, it happens to the best of us.

Anyways, after Den left to go find his giant mechanical lady friend the air in the area that the cars were in changed. I kind of figured it was a dinosaur, this being Jurassic Park and all but instead it was a giant dragon. Fafnir dropped in front of the girls’ car and brought enough fire down on their car that would have made Janet Reno happy. Wildcat and his bud’s got out of their car only to find the torched remains of their teammates.

The Three of them then attacked the beastly dragon. SHIELD Agent #6 was easily dispatched of with a quick swipe from his massive paw, while Dark Beast and Wildcat were running towards the back of him. There they were hoping to catch him off guard but before they were even able to a thing Wildcat noticed something out of the corner of his eye.

Wildcat: “What is that?”

Dark Beast: “I’m not sure but it looks like a light saber.”

Wildcat: “It’s Leia, she made it out. LEIA, get over here.”

Dark Beast: “How can this be? We watched her die in the car, there’s no way she was able to get out.”

Wildcat: “She’s a Jedi you idiot. Come on Leia, we need your help.”

Dark Beast: “Why does this seem like a trick? You notice how she is running towards us but is not gaining any ground.”

Wildcat: “Yeah, she’s probably just farther away from us the we originally thought.”

While these two were in a discussion about whether or not their obviously dead friend was still alive, Fafnir had managed to turn completely around and was now just staring directly at the two Sleeping Pussy members.

Fafnir: “You genius’s figure it out yet?”

Wildcat: “Oh shit, let’s get the f#$% out of here. Leia, get moving the other way.”

Dark Beast: “Wait a second, Leia’s obviously not real. Was that your handy work?”

Fafnir: “Not bad huh?”

Dark Beast: “No, not bad at all.”

The two of them stared at each other for about ten seconds when all of a sudden the dragon just said, “Well okay then” and torched the two SP members. They each ran towards the dragon while on fire and did manage to get a couple good hits on him but it was already too late as they eventually were burned alive.

Fafnir: “Well that was ridiculously easy.”

The dragon then heard a noise coming from around him in all directions. He started torching the forest when out of nowhere the SP Velociraptors and Compy’s attacked him on all sides. The Dragon was much bigger and stronger then the dinosaurs but after a good five minutes of fighting there was one velociraptor standing next to the torn up body of Fafnir. The raptor was from what I can tell #34 (I think) and he was now walking with a limp. It was a victory (finally) for Team Sleeping Pussy, but at a great cost that was going to be difficult to bounce back from.

At the other end of the park Ka-Zar and Zabu were looking for an enemy to fight. They along with Moss-Man felt completely at home in the jungle landscape of Jurassic Park. They had set traps all over the place and had been feasting on some dino meat that they had caught. They were getting ready to go out on another hunt when out of the blue they noticed a very nicely dressed man walking down one of the walkways.

I’m not a hundred percent sure how or why Wesley Windham Price was out here on his own but he seemed to be mumbling something to himself. It sounded something like “I’d rather die alone then team with”; well it was something like that.

(Two Hours Earlier)

Oblivion: “Okay Wesley, you and the Chaos King will be teaming up for this one.”

Chaos King: “All right my man, we gonna tear this place apart.”

WWP: “I would genuinely rather die alone then team with this man or whatever he is.”

CK: “This dude kills me, seriously.”

WWP: “I’m serious, let me go by myself. I am meaningless to this team anyways. I don’t even know why I’m going.”

CK: “You serious bro? I thought we was tight?”

WWP: “Stop talking like that, are you not a god?”

CK: “God like yo!”

WWP: “I’m walking this way, do not follow me.”

CK: “Whatever independent man, have fun.”

(Back at Ka-Zar’s)

Ka-Zar: “No need to extend this man’s life. You want him or can I do it?”

Zabu: “He is all your’s.”

KA-Zar then sent an arrow directly in the gut of the former watcher, sending him down to the ground in pain. Ka-Zar then sent another arrow right next to the one previously implanted in his chest, sending another surge of pain through his body.

Ka-Zar: “Now Mr. Price it is time for you to die.”

Chaos King: “Not if I’s got something to say about it.”

The Chaos King was wearing Zabu’s skin as a coat as he picked up Ka-Zar by the throat and crushed his neck, killing him. The Chaos King then got down on the ground with Wesley who was going to be dead soon.

WWP: “Why are you here?”

CK: “I’ve been following you the entire time.”

WWP: “Then how did this happen, why didn’t you stop this from even occurring?”

CK: “I don’t know, I turned my head I guess.”

WWP: “You are the worst god of all time. Do you even have any powers? Other then maybe your power to annoy and sound like an imbecile?”

CK: “I got tons of powers man, I’ll show back in the locker room some time.”

WWP: “Show me it in the match you idiot. Well not me I mean because I’ll be dead soon enough but don’t wait to show us your powers back home.”

As Wesley says this he is coughing up blood and falls completely to the ground.

CK: “You all right man?”

WWP: “Of course I’m not all right, I have two arrows in my chest and I’m coughing up blood. If I’m not mistaken, I believe I am dying.”

CK: (With a huge grin and then a large frown) “Just like in the series finale of Angel.”

Wesley just groans and wishes he would die already.

CK: “Would you like me to pretend I am Winifred or would you prefer me to pretend like I’m Ally?”

WWP: “I hate you, I really really hate you.”

CK: “You wanted to see my power right, we’ll hear we go.”

Suddenly the Chaos King makes himself look like Winifred Burkle (or Amy Acker for those of you in the real world, not that anyone past Goofatu and Bryatu will have any idea what this is in reference to)

Chaos King (Winifred Burkle): “Hold on Wesley, I love you so much.”

WWP: “I have no idea how to take this. Oh what the hell, I love you too.”

The two of them make-out for a while but before Wesley fully slips away he transform back into the Chaos King, making Wesley spit out blood on the retarded cosmic being.

WWP: “F#$# You.”

CK: “I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.”

As Wesley finally died the confusion pulsing through his head was far too much to take. He couldn’t tell if the Chaos King was coming on to him or if he was just doing it to be funny. Either way Wesley was beyond happy that he was finally going to die. As his final breath left him, the Chaos King just sat there laughing to himself.

CK: “I love that guy, can’t wait to see him back home. Ah, whatever. Let’s end this thing.”

Meanwhile…

Bryan Beckerman: “Suck on my yellow ring Giant Man:”

Giant Man: “Oh my god, take that thing off. Aren’t you supposed to wear it on your hand?”

Bryan Beckerman: “I find that it is better put to use on other places.”

BB then uses his ring to coat Giant Man in a massive flood of yellow energy, an energy that he is barely able to survive.

BB: “How’d you like that Hank?”

Moss Man: “About as much as you’re gonna like this.”

Moss Man then engulfs the yellow lantern member in a sea of vegetation. BB fights and struggles his way out of the never-ending jungle until he has exhausted his rings power. With an exhausted ring on him he is no match for the two SP members.

Giant Man: “You got any last words or are you going to go out like a bitch, you know, like Pablo did.”

BB: “F#*$ YOU YOU F*#$ing F#$@!!!!!”

Giant Man then crushes the evil attorney and Moss Man chuckles a little as he sees Beckerman’s now limp ring-wearing member.

Moss Man: “You really knocked that thing down to size.”

Moss Man was laughing at his own stupid joke when out of nowhere he felt a slight pain in his neck that was occompynied by a feeling of lightheadedness. He then fell to the ground only to look up and find Dracula staring back down at him.

Dracula: “My goodness you taste awful, oh well then.”

Dracula then with the speed of light finished off the job of draining Moss Man of everything he had. Giant Man naturally was angered greatly by this act but was far too slow to catch the dark one before he could get at him.

Giant Man: “Get back here you cap wearing puff.”

Giant Man then looked around him only to see himself surrounded by three God like creatures. The next chain of events is a little hard to describe, as The Chaos King, Oblivion and Lord Chaos never once spoke a single word to each other. What I can tell you is that all of a sudden Giant Man was no longer there and then he was back, only when he returned he was beaten so severely that he might as well have been dead. Soon enough he was, as Oblivion just stood there and smiled as he very slowly crushed Giant Man’s head until it was no longer there. It looked quite painful so I am hoping for his sake that he was unconscious for the majority of it. The God’s all smiled at each other and then took off towards the only threat left in this match.

The Female Sentinel stood tall over the dinosaur theme park, wondering what was climbing up her leg. Soon enough she was face to face with a teammate of hers, one who looked like he had something other then fighting on his mind.

Female Sentinel #10: “What brings you all the way here to my level?”

Den: “Well I’d say it was for a strategy meeting but I don’t think we have much time for small talk. I’ve noticed you for a while and I just need to find out if there is any way we can make this happen.”

FS #10: “In what is this in reference to?”

Den: “Look, I’m a man with needs and although you are made of metal, I have to say that your breasts just do it for me. I mean, looks at these things, they’re massive and gravity will never have any effect on them. I hope I’m not being to crass for you, but I want to be on you.”

FS #10 begins to blush and wants to say something in return but is speechless. She understands completely what he is looking for but is saddened by the fact that such an act would be impossible. Then like a light bulb exploding above her head she thinks of something that is so crazy it doesn’t seem possible that it came from a robot.

FS #10: “There is only one way for us to go through with this.”

Den: “Yeah, whatever it is just say it.”

FS #10: “You need to get everybody to attack me at once and destroy me.”

Den: “What!?!”

FS #10: “Just do as I say and I promise you we can make this happen.”

Den: “No, I won’t let that happen. Not even I want to risk losing this match for this.”

FS #10: “You know as well as I do that we had no chance in this match. As soon as we knew you were going to be the only exposed penis in this match we knew what the outcome would be.”

Den: “So what should I do then?”

FS #10: “Make sure they destroy me something fierce. It will kill me but if everything goes as planned you and I are going to make history.”

Den: (Hesitation in his voice) “Okay, I hope you know what you are doing.”

FS #10: “Just trust me. Now get to safety as soon as you can.”

Den: “Will do.”

Den begins to walk away when he asks. “What should I do after you are gone?”

FS #10: “Just lay low and I’ll find you.”

Den is utterly confused but trusts his teammate. He then flees through the park and hides inside a small cave.

FS #10: “I’m over here boys, come get some.”

The Sentinel then begins to shoot energy blasts in every direction in an attempt to get as much attention as possible. It works very quickly because before she realizes it, every single member of the Backyardigans surrounds her. The Chaos King, Oblivion and Lord Chaos are all still together and Victory Leo and Star Saber have combined forces to form Victory Saber. Dracula is nearby but he knows that this is not his fight so he stays in the background.

The remaining forces of B3 set their sights on the Sentinel who is just standing her ground waiting for their attack.

FS #10: “Shoot me you pussies, what are you waiting for!!!!”

The B3 members waste no more time as Victory Saber and the three god like creatures unleash holy hell on the female mechanical mutant hunter. It takes only a matter of moments before the once massive Sentinel is reduced to a mere scrap heap.

Chaos King: “All right, we won this bitch.”

Oblivion: “It is not over yet, there are still more battles to fight.”

Chaos King: “What you talkin’ bout, this bitch be over.”

As he says this, a raptor jumps out at Dracula who had been creeping around some trees. The raptor manages to take a bite out of his mid-section but soon enough the dark one has snapped the dinosaurs neck.

Dracula: “Well now I think we are good.”

Oblivion: “Not quite yet, there is still one more battle to fight.”


Den had been waiting patiently in his cave and was beginning to wonder what was taking so long. Many thoughts had been going through his head. Part of him was regretting the decision to just let one of his teammates die like that but there was another part of him that was so excited by the fact of 'making it’ with a machine.

Den was just about to lose the faith when he began to hear some noise coming very quickly towards him. He peaked his head out of the cave and noticed something coming towards him. He braced himself for the worst but then noticed a mechanical creature heading towards him with the same sort of appearance as his teammate.

FS #10: “Sorry about the wait, it took longer to find you then I originally planned on.”

Den: “How did you do this?”

FS #10: “I knew if I was destroyed I would be able to reconfigure myself into something else as long as I did it quickly enough. If they would have been paying attention to me they would have easily noticed, but thankfully our Raptor friend attacked at the perfect time. Giving me the privacy to do what I needed to do by myself, which will allow us the time we'll need to do this to each other.”

Den: “So how do you want to handle this?”

FS #10: “Just leave it all to me.”


Chaos King: “Why you bein’ so vague Oby, where the hell is this final fight?”

Oblivion: “It is over by that small system of caves but something tells me that we should wait a bit before we engage.”

CK: “Well screw that, I’m going there right now.”

Oblivion: “Suit yourself but you are not going to like what you see.”

CK: “I like everything I see.”

Oblivion: “What?”

CK: “See ya later Oby.”

The Chaos King then took off towards the cave and as he arrived at the cave he heard noises coming from it. The noises were that of the passionate variety and as soon as the Chaos King peaked his head around the corner he was overly joyed by the fact that he didn’t listen to his teammate.

Chaos King: “Oh hell yeah Den, I got next.”

Den was completely taken aback by the sudden appearance of the Chaos King but he was also so far gone in his current situation that he only slightly cared.

Chaos King: “Hey don’t mind me, I’m just hear for the grand finale.”

The Chaos King enjoyed watching this incredibly disturbing and honestly painful looking sex act. After it was all over with both Sleeping Pussy members looked quite exhausted and very pleased. The Chaos King was kind of confused at this point as he had no desire to kill either of them.

Den: “So you gonna kill us or what?”

Chaos King: “You want me to kill you?”

Den: “To be honest, I don’t care because even though you guys are coming away with a victory here today, I’m pretty sure that were the ones that feel like winners. Well, at least I do, I can’t speak for her.”

FS #10: “Well, I can at least say that we did it.”

Den: “Whatttt? You didn’t have fun?”

FS #10: “Let’s just say that I’ve had better.”

Den: “No way, now way someone else can do what I just did.”

FS #10: “Look I’m sorry but last time I didn’t have to be completely destroyed for me to get mine.”

Den: “Who was it?”

FS #10: “All I’m going to say is that it isn’t just the size that matters, it’s also the color.”

Den: “That blue donged son of a bitch.”

Out of nowhere Oblivion appeared to the surprise of everyone.

Oblivion: “What are these two still doing alive?”

Chaos King: “I was lettin’ them do their thang.”

Oblivion: “Well, let’s let them do their “Thang” somewhere else.”

It took less then a second for Oblivion to dispatch Den and the reconfigured Sentinel to another realm of existence. Oblivion then looked over at the Chaos King with a look of mild disgust.

Chaos King: “What you lookin at?”

Oblivion: “You realize you’re a disgrace to our team right?”

Chaos King: “You’re the disgrace.”

Oblivion: “Do you have anything to back up that statement or is that all?”

Chaos King: “You back up the statement.”

Oblivion: “This may be the first time I’ve ever been bummed out with a victory just knowing that I have to share it with you.”

Chaos King: “Whatev’s, peace out fool.”

The Chaos King then disappeared, leaving Oblivion alone with his thoughts, which he will gladly take over spending one more moment with him.