I am Darth Vader. At this time I would like to disclose the
results of laboratory tests associated with the murder of Pablo. The initial diagnostic analysis of the scene
evidenced DNA from a member of the Poteracki family. This information was provided to you all during
our last press conference. New
information has come to light pursuant to the allele investigation. The inquiry provides with a 99.6 percent
accuracy, that RYAN POTERACKI is the murderer of Pablo.
Please. PLEASE.
PLEASE! Let me finish. Let me finish.
It is clear to all in this league
that the vitriolic rhetoric spewed by Mr. Poteracki toward Pablo was always
existent. If you notice, Poteracki’s
hatred for our beloved penguin clearly became more prevalent as the years went
on. In fact, various comments can be
researched indicating Poteracki’s relish of an opportunity to “kill that
penguin.” We never thought that the
words of this individual would equate to such violent and reprehensible actions. For that, we will always regret the fact that
he was not confronted sooner.
Unfortunately for our team, Ryan
Poteracki has already met his demise in an earlier match this year, and thus,
justice will never truly be obtained.
Certain members of our B3 family have requested from the Commissioner
that Mr. Poteracki’s corpse be exhumed and delivered to the B3 compound for
various means of defiling. The
Commissioner has unofficially responded to this request, which we respectfully
honor, and stated that he shall stand for necrophilia only during matches.
At this time, we will wait for
the Commissioner’s official response to the murder of our teammate. . . friend.
. . and loved one, Pablo.
Pablo, Rest In Peace. Thank you.
Posts
6 comments:
I am.... At a loss for words.
As Lord Vader stated, there was no love loss between Ryan and Pablo. They were constantly slinging mud back and forth. I do not know what came over him, as they were scheduled to face each other in the Easter Classic. Obviously, due to the horrific circumstances, the Backyardigans were forced to withdraw from said battle.
This does however shed some light on something Ryan said several weeks ago... "I'm going to murder that f****** penguin tonight." We just assumed he was rambling again considering the amount of beer him, Chris Artrip and Jedi Master Josh Houslander had consumed that night.
Oh well.
Are the rumors true that he killed Pablo a day later than he was suppossed to, with no explanation?
He never said much, and always kept to himself. Good neighbor mostly... Never would have guessed... I suppose you really dont know anyone really... damn shame...
By the way, I didn't do it the first time, but if you read this whole press conference out loud in a Darth Vader voice, it is even funnier.
I know he posted a lot of anti-backyardigans propaganda on his blog.
We should have all seen this coming. I think mandatory TSA checkpoints should be required for each locker rooms next season.
Hilarious Artifact!!
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