Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse vs. The Transfoamers

Prologue

“Son of a bitch!!” Donald Duck slurred, saliva dribbling down his bill like a germ-infested water fall. His feathers ruffled, the pants-less avian king of Mickey Mouse Grindhouse slammed his fist upon the arm of his throne, allowing a crumpled piece of parchment to flutter to the ground. His brother, Killer Shark, furrowed his brows and snatched up the letter. As he took in the words typed out in 12 point tahoma font and formatted APA style, he let out a triumphant grunt. Finally, the excuse he'd been looking for!

“The time to act is now my brother. We must invade Naboo's Planet Core.” Donald Duck nodded gravely. “Megatron has taken my wife, my beautiful Siren of Mickey Mouse Grindhouse. They will all pay. Launch a thousand bongos!!”


Today

As she rubbernecked out the window to get a glimpse of the battle in the distance, Siren stroked her exquisite hair compulsively, a habit that her paramour Megatron lovingly referred to as “hair masturbation.” Since he had whisked her away from Disney and she had legally changed her name to Siren of Naboo's Planet Core, she had grown ever more lovely, taking such steps with her beauty as stuffing her bra with Bounty paper towels and getting a celtic knot lower back tattoo. But things were not all hunky dory or peachy keen or Jim Dandy here since she had come to Naboo's Planet Core. There were some pretty nasty monster fish lurking about, there were NO beef jerky cafes, and her departure from Mickey Mouse Grindhouse had begun an epic war. Right now she was awaiting to hear if the demi god and greatest warrior of Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Jar Jar Binks, had in fact killed Starscream's Ghost outside the city gates.

Not Today (Later)

Some time ago, Starscream's ghost had fallen, slain by Jar Jar Binks. But, in the trenches of a massive, mighty, mondo, monstrous monstrosity of the current battle, Megatron shot Jar Jar Binks in his big stupid short bus riding fish face with his arm cannon. THANK GOD. Listening to Jar Jar wax poetic on misa this and misa that was about as enjoyable as dry humping a cactus. In any case, Megatron and the rest of the Naboo-ans were hatching a brilliant plan to finally eliminate the rest of the Grindhouse-ans and eradicate them from Naboo's Planet Core once and for all. And here's how they did it:

King Donald Duck had taken a girlfriend since his wife had left Mickey Mouse Grindhouse. His twinkie Deadman, while one hot little number, was unfortunately only working part time due to his fibromylagia and was considered low income. Because Donald and Deadman were seeing each other on the sly, Donald was unable to help with birth control expenses, so Deadman was forced to visit Planned Parenthood regularly, which was housed in the makeshift Mickey Mouse Grindhouse parliament building set up on the outskirts of Naboo's Planet Core. Deadman had finally persuaded Donald to accompany him for his check-ups, under the guise of a regular parliament visit, just to make sure “everything was kosher” over there. Each time he visited, he'd end with a meeting between important officers of the court such as Xebel Soldiers #15-19, Blue Lantern and White Lantern and Arkillo. Lamentably, for King Donald Duck, Aqualad and Nom Anor had discovered these visits on a reconnaissance mission for Megatron.

One Tuesday afternoon, Donald Duck noticed that the free condom bowl had been filled to the brim with giant condoms in his favorite brand-Trojan. Unable to resist a free gift, he ordered Killer Shark to get him a wheelbarrow to load them up. As he wheeled the thing into his office where the meeting was about to begin, the ribbed latex tubes burst open and out sprang the Wreckers Leadfoot, Roadbuster and Topspin, followed by Ghost #1-5 and the Vehicle Voltron Sea Team and finally by Megatron. They proceeded to slaughter all but Donald Duck, who had backed into a corner like a chicken shit (not a duck shit despite his status as a duck) after hearing the shrilly scream of Deadman biting it in the clinic next door. Then he heard the click of Megatron's arm cannon, and as he turned in horror to face his death, he uttered his last words:

“Quack, quack.”