George Washington's Slaves Vs. Shemalabam's Shit Kickers

Season 6 Week 2: George Washington's Slaves Vs. Shemalabama Shit Kickers
The Slaves are: The Hydra, Tigersharks (Octavia, Mako, Orka, Waltro, Dolph, Angel, Dog Fish),
Mer-man, Jaws2, Capt. Crunch w/S.S. Guppy, S.U.R.F. (Sharkskin, Eel, Undertow), Trojan Man
w/Ferengi Energy Whip, Bill Clinton w/green lightsaber, and Black Lantern Superman.
The Shit Kickers are: Aquaman, Aqualad(9 deaths), Topo, Fathom Five (Bloodtide, Dragon
Rider, Llyron, Manowar, Sea Leopard) Black Widow Shark, 2 headed shark, Clawful, and the
Sando Aqua Monster.

The personal Diary of Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch.
Captain's Log: Day 1. We have appeared in the watery core of planet Naboo, aboard the S.S.
Guppy. The crew and I are here to battle the Shit Kickers, first and foremost, although I have
ulterior motives. The earthly garden of Crunchberries is finite, so I must always be scouting for
a new supply. I will play these games if it means that I never have to see a world without my
delicious cereal. I have a hale and hearty crew, and first mate Bill Clinton has kept their spirits
high. I sense a bountiful journey.
Captain's Log: Day 2. Some of the fisherman have caught a rare specimen! It is the oft rumored
2 Headed Shark. We were dismayed to find our teammate Jaws 2 within the beast, but our spirits
were soon elated. While we posed for a photo with the oddity, it's death spasm caused it to bite Eel
clean in half. We were sorry to lose a member of the team, but his manner of death was so absurd,
even Black Lantern Superman chuckled a bit.
Captain's Log: Day 5. We are making good progress toward the legendary underwater Gungan
Crunchberries. Nothing of note has happened, save a lively debate between Bill Clinton and
Trojan man. Most have sided with Clinton, although Trojan Man garnered many laughs by
cracking his energy whip any time Hillary was mentioned.
Captain's Log: Day 7. Today began wonderfully as we have reached one of our destinations. I
sent the Tigersharks team to gather the Crunchberries below the surface. Unfortunately, I have
underestimated the guile of our opponents. They must be aware of my motives, as the Shit Kickers
planned an ambush. Clawful and the feared Black Widow shark were waiting for us, and many
of the Tigersharks were killed. Only Mako and Dolph survived. They were avenged when Mer-
man destroyed Clawful, and I sent my trident through the heart of the Black Widow shark myself.
Tragedy was not through with the S.S. Guppy just yet. While the crew posed with the body of the
mythic Black Widow shark, S.U.R.F. member Sharkskin was decapitated by the death spasm of
the Black Widow shark. I must remember to tighten the regulations of crew/trophy photos.
Captain's Log: Day 8. We have stowed the remaining Crunchberries and are looking to depart
shortly. I have plotted a course to the "Isle of Deliciousness", as we are eager to secure another
plentiful haul.
Captain's Log: Day 14. Today begin with an attack by The Fathom Five. Llyron, Sea Leopard,
and Manowar boarded my ship. I question the wisdom, but applaud their bravery. Mako and
Dolph eliminated Llyron and Sea Leopard, with vengeance for their fallen teammates guiding
their fury. Manowar vanquished Mako and Dolph by enveloping them. What a strange being! He
was pacified by Trojan Man with his Ferengi energy whip, in concert with a blast of Arctic breath
from Black Lantern Superman. An appearance by the Hydra was most unwelcomed, as it has been
controlled by the mystic conch shell of Dragon Rider. Trojan Man was eaten whole by the Hydra.
Black Lantern Superman ended the threat by destroying Dragon Rider with a chest opening heart
punch. No longer controlled, the Hydra swam back below the waters. If mythical beasts can feel
shame, I'm sure it does now in spades. Strange that a group called Fathom Five only used four
members in it's brazen assault. Was this simply a ruse of some kind?
Captain's Log: Day 25. My suspicions were correct. We have been driven off course by the water
witch Bloodtide. We only discovered this after we sent S.U.R.F. member Undertow to correct
the tides in our favor. As she floated to the surface dead, Mer-man dove in and quickly ended our
threat when he returned with the corpse of Bloodtide. No trophy photo was attempted, but Bill
Clinton took her body below deck for what he described as a "proper burial."
Captain's Log: Day 30. With supplies dwindling, as well as my crew, this day required a morale
upliifting unlike any other. I reported that we were back on track and making excellent progress.
This helped, but the true victory was a "Clash of the Titans" that few mortals could ever claim
to witness. The Hydra ran afoul of the dreaded Sando Aqua Monster and it consumed the Hydra
whole. Hours later, the Sando Monster floated by the ship dead, as the Hydra emerged from within

the beast. It had chewed its way out of the monster, destroying many vital organs that lay in its
path. It appears that the Sando Aqua Monster is not well versed in mythology, nor the proper way
to kill a Hydra. I, however, and now fully versed in cooking said monster. With bellies full and
spirits high, our quest continues with renewed vigor.
Captain's Log: Day 35. Aquaman's pet octopus Topo was found aboard our ship. It is my
instinct that he has been spying on us for quite some time. That would explain the ambush at the
underwater Crunchberry fields, as well as the Fathom Five's precision strike. It was a cunning
creature, even managing to strangle Mer-man to death before I killed it with my mighty Trident. I
have decorated the front of my ship with it's corpse as a message to the sea king.
Captain's Log: Day 36. My message to Aquaman was quickly noted and responded to in kind.
His protege Aqualad arrived riding a mentally overtaken Hydra. As the Hydra has been enthralled
twice, I made the risky decision to eliminate it, as well as the young Atlantean. Black Lantern
Superman flew straight through the necks of the Hydra removing them all quickly. He then used
heat vision, cauterizing the wounds and destroying the creature. He then made short work of
Aqualad, ripping his heart out with one fluid motion. Unfortunately, the Hydra blood covered
Black Lantern was the next to fall. The blood's ability to strip life is not limited to immortals only,
but to the unead as well. He dissolved from existence along with this ring. With my crew reduced
to one man, I fear that my madness may have doomed us all.
Captain's Log: Day 40. The sea itself seems against us, but I will not be defeated so easily.
Captain's Log: Day 50. We have run aground, essentially destroying the S.S. Guppy, but it is
worth it. We have reached the "Isle of Deliciousness". It has cost us much, but Bill Clinton and I
agree that lives were not lost in vain. We are both certain that the motherload of Crunchberries is
worth many more souls then we have given. The only thing to do now is gather our prize, secure
transport, and send Aquaman straight to hell.

Watchers note: this diary was found in my mailbox, bound in whaleskin and stamped with
the Seal of Atlantis.