The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. Shemalabama's Shit-Kickers

The Horsemen of Apokolips are Superman, Colossus/Juggernaut, Vulcan, Michael Myers (w/ a red lightsaber), Dracula, Gozar the Gozarian, Zuul, Vince Clortho, The Stunticons: Motor Master (w/ a red lantern ring), Black Lantern Yoda, Legolas (w/ a green lantern ring), White Suit Anakin Skywalker and John Mclane in Attack Trak, Josh Houslander Jedi Master w/ Laya Houslander: Jedi Padawan w/ Piplup, Alex Houslander (w/ a mithril vest), and Fry Guy #1 in The Millennium Bucko.

Shemalabama's Shit-Kickers are Real Man, Oblivion, Superior Spider-Man, Blackfire, Metallo, Revan, Nightwing, Flamebird, Quasar, The Father, Son, and Daughter of Mortis, Predi-Alien (w/ red lantern ring), Fafnir, Red Lantern Hal Jordan, and Battle Droid #7.


...An unknown number of months or possibly years ago in the dark, deep, and secret chambers of Apokolips: Headquarters of The Horsemen: Bane of The FFL...

There sits Vandal Savage and Hannibal Lectur, the two true leaders of The Horsemen discussing plans within plans that the majority of the team has no idea are in existence. They speak to one another...

{Savage}: We must deal with this issue of Capt. Iven Carl Kincheloe Jr.

{Lectur}: Again, you come back to that??

{Savage}: It was his past actions that kept Darkseid and I's ultimate plan from coming to fruition. All of Darkseid's initial projections have led to the destruction of this seemingly meaningless pilot disallowing our team from Universe Wide Domination. Our team's future depends greatly on what has come to be in the past.

{Lectur}: You speak of our team's future; yet we litter our team with “good guys” throughout the past seasons of late. They cannot be privy to what we plan to do.

{Savage}: Good guys win battles my friend. It is people of our like-mindedness that bring about successful plans of logical forethought. Even when they know not what strings are being pulled, good guys win battles; good guys like Capt. Kincheloe.

{Lectur}: So, if our future rests upon his death; than how would you go about bringing his death about. In our time he is long dead as it is, and his deeds long accomplished.

{Savage}: You speak of time as if it is not to be manipulated by the powerful; and you speak of Capt. Kincheloe's deeds as if his most famous accomplishments were what hindered our success. His later test flights for which he is most famous, have no bearing on our master plan. But as an ace in The Korean War he shot down many planes. One of those planes held the plans for nuclear power that was just recently perfected in North Korea; but those plans were going to be secretly intercepted by forces under the direction of Darkseid and myself. They would have brought the world to our knees and would have brought us control of this universe before these petty watchers ever felt the need to create this worthless league. No other pilot would have shot down the hand-picked Korean pilot that we selected to bring us these plans. Destroy Capt. Kincheloe, and true victory will be ours.

{Lectur}: And how do you suggest we kill a man that is already dead?

{Savage}: Capt. Kincheloe was born on July 2nd 1928; in Detroit, Michigan. We shall kill him before he ever has the chance to find out what an airplane is...

Leap forward to: Season 6 Week 7: The Horsemen of Apokolips have grander plans than winning a divisional match...

...Just moments before the match...

{Laya Houslander: Jedi Padawan}: What is wrong father?

{Josh Houslander: Jedi Master}: I feel a disturbance in the force.

{Laya}: Are you certain that you are not simply feeling the weight of responsibility after being appointed Senior Jedi of The Horsemen Council?

{Josh}: No, my appointment was one of convenience more than anything else. Ever since the death of Luke last year, the Jedi contingent amongst The Horsemen have yearned for a Force-laden voice. I was simply the easy choice that they knew would cause little controversy. Besides they know as I do that my time in this league is short. I was never meant to be an aged Jedi, just a pawn for a greater good. A powerful pawn I may have become; but a pawn nonetheless.

{Laya}: Well, what does this have to do with the disturbance you are feeling?

{Josh}: Nothing. The disturbance is something very different. There are many intertwined universes within our world. And one of them, perhaps not this one; but one of them is in grave danger from an outside force. Yet, I feel that this force has penetrated our reality and wishes to destroy it from the inside out. It is not me that is in danger, it is a Josh Houslander from a different reality. There is a reality where this one is considered fake. Where a different version of myself is under fire. The two are becoming combined in a way that the force will not allow me to see. All I know is that our “fake” reality is being threatened by a “Real” Man...


...Now, finally for the match...

In a small hospital in downtown Detroit the staff find themselves under attack. The Horsemen move with perfect grace taking out the security forces. When The Shit-Kickers are teleported into the match they have no plan in place to protect the future of the league. They just simply wish to win the match the way they always strive to do. The Superior Spider-Man leaps up to the second story of the hospital and then quickly scales the wall; but his heroics are dashed quickly as Michael Myers grabs a hold of the web-slinger and jams a lightsaber through his gut. Metallo stands at the ready with his kryptonite; but before he can use it on The Horsemen's star player, Joseph smashes the Metallo together with Battle Droid #7 and then sends the metal clump into the lower atmosphere. Blackfire crushes Joseph with her Tamaranian strength; but Joesph's damage has already been done. Superman, along with several other members of The horsemen squad have not been informed of the ultimate plan to kill a newborn baby. They simply believe that they are here to win a match. For the Horsemen that do know, they are happy to see Supeman engage both Nightwing and Flamebird high above the hospital. Not only does this create a scenario where The Man of Steel won't notice what they are doing but he also is drawing two of The Shit-Kickers most powerful members away from the battle proper. Vulcan tries to vulcanize Oblivion; but Oblivion obliterates Vulcan. Gozar the Gozarian then sends Oblivion back to his void. Gozar then is joined by his allies Zuul and Vince Clortho. They begin to do battle with The Father, Son, and Daughter of Mortis. The Mortis Trio make short work of Babylonian gods by unleashing force powers that are typically untapped by Jedi Masters or Sith Lords. The Stunticons merge to form Menacer. Menacer with an enormous red lantern ring that is. Once merged, the gestalt shows The Predi-Alien the true meaning of rage as they smash the hybrid into concentrated acid mush. Fafnir dwarfs Colossus and stops the Juggernaut all in one fell swoop; but Menacer puts a stop to Fafnir as well. The Gestalt grabs a hold of the Mythological Beast and crushes it with sheer Cybertronian force. Josh swerves out of the way of all this “giant combat” and crashes The Millennium Bucko into the hospital entrance, Fry Guy #1 flies from the vehicle and splatters all over a lampost. Legolas, aided by the green lantern ring that once belonged to Sinestro flies up to lend a hand to Superman; but he finds it hard to get in the middle of a battle of Kryptonians. Superman grabs a hold of Nightwing with a headlock and turns to avoid an intense blast of heat vision from Flamebird while he simultaneously breaks Nightwing's neck. Now a one on one fight, Superman drives Flamebird down hard into the ground, bringing his fellow Kryptonian down to the salt mines beneath Detroit's streets. Dracula has not been seen by any person on either team, as it is his personal mission to find the child and kill him without being seen.

Battle Conclusion...

The Father of Mortis with the help of his children and Red lantern Hal Jordan have focused their energy on pulling apart Menacer. They succeed; but The Stunticons go right back to attacking their enemies. Blackfire uses her eye bolts to destroy the spark of Drag Strip, while the Son of Mortis methodically takes apart Dead End bolt by bolt with his mastery of the force. The remaining members of The Stunticons doom would be imminent if Anakin and Mclane didn't fire a missile from Attack Trak to make a mess of the whole situation. Mclane stays in Attack Trak to man the system operations while white suit Anakin leaps out to do battle with the son of Mortis. The Son's Father rushes over to help; but Black Lantern Yoda comes to the aid of his fellow Horsemen. Jedi Josh is racing up the stairs with his kids behind him, when he is met by Revan. Laya follows orders from her dad and leads Alex and Piplup towards the root of his force disturbance while Josh stays behind to face Revan alone. Revan and Josh become locked in the pitched battle to end all pitched battles. I mean, this battle is so pitched that Justin Verlander watched it and said... “Damn, what a pitch”. It is so pitched that a 90 degree angle tried to sit on it, and it fell off. I mean, trust me. It's pitched. Revan secretly taps into the dark side lessons he has learned while he lunges at Josh; but Josh leaps out of the way using his Form 4 style of fighting. Lightsabers clash; but Revan backflips out of the melee to start over. Revan then rushes towards Josh; but the smaller Houslander ducks out of the way and then lets Revan pass by. Josh then catches Revan with a lightsaber to the chest to finish him off. Red Hal Jordan breaks Breakdown with his green ring, and then clashes with Motor Master . The two of them lean back to punch and blow each other apart when their red lantern punches both land in unison. The Father of Mortis uses every bit of force power he can muster for a force push, but Black Lantern Yoda just keeps on running his way. Yoda spins toward the old man of Mortis and delivers a black lantern aided lightsaber through his neck. The Daughter of Mortis follows a disturbance that she is feeling in the force up several floors in the hospital; but The Son of Mortis stays back to do battle with White Suit Anakin (this one is pretty darn pitched too). The Son tries to overpower Anakin by force choking him;p but Anakin is well versed in both sides of the force as well (even if he only chooses to use one of them now). The Son is shocked to see his invisible attacks fail; which makes Anakin find his lack of faith disturbing. Anakin manages to force pull the Son in close and then slice his neck with his lightsaber. Blackfire flies in fast towards Anakin to catch him off guard after an exhausting battle with an extremely powerful force user; but before she can land the killing blow John Mclane decides to unload 15 plus 1 in the hole from his Beretta into the Tamaranian. So, in case you were wondering if 9 mm's could kill Tamaranians, they can.

Josh catches up to Laya, Alex, and Piplup in the hospital that is now on fire and falling apart around itself. Laya turns to her dad and says: “The disturbance you feel is growing stronger, I can tell”. It is then that Josh sees Real Man out of the corner of his eye. He rushes toward the dorky looking moron and force pushes him to the ground. Real Man starts uncontrollably peeing himself at the sight of Josh's bulging muscles and knows that his otherworldly self has committed many sins and deserves the fate that this Jedi Master is about to hand out. Real Man struggles to find his courage; but the struggle continues as he looks up at the blue lightsaber pointing down at him. “Don't do it father, it's not the Jedi way”. Laya says to her Dad. “He's not worth it, you were the one to teach us this”. Alex adds. “Pipppppplup” Piplup adds further, to really help out the story. “An otherworldly version of myself is threatened by this man. He's too dangerous to be left alive. I must do this, I must kill this fool Eric if I am to destroy the Troll known as Real Man forever”. Josh says as he inches the lightsaber closer and closer to Eric's neck. “It is never wrong to do the right thing”. Laya says calmly to her dad. She continues: “We cannot explain why we must do the right thing; but circumstances could arise where even somebody as worthless as Real Man could be needed for good”. Josh hears the sense in his eldest daughter's words and turns his lightsaber off. The Jedi Master speaks: “Your team is signaling the retreat, I will spare you this day Real Man. I suggest you get out of here before this building comes down around us all”.

...But Real Man is driven by a need to do something else...

Quasar comes bursting out of a nearby room where he was battling Dracula; but heard the call for retreat from The Daughter of Mortis and decided to bug out and call it even. Dracula seemed more interested in some other mission anyway and this match was seemingly lost for The Shit-Kickers; but Quasar is met by Josh, Laya and Alex who jump out with their lightsabers drawn. Quasar only means to escape and unleashes a full blast of cosmic energy from his quantum bands towards Josh to blast out the side of the building. Quasar flies by, and Josh lay on the ground with a huge chunk taken out of his side. Laya, Alex, and Piplup rush to the side of Josh, who says: “I knew I was not long for this world; but I feel as though you all helped me accomplish something that needed to be done today. Thank You”. Josh begins to fade but he grabs his lightsaber and ignites it one last time. He plans to make his greatest wish come true with his dying breath. He holds the lightsaber blade between Laya and Alex and says: “By the right of the council... By the will of the force... Dub you I do... Jedi... Knights... of … The... Rep...ublic”. He swings his lightsaber one last time to cut off the padawan braids of his kids and then falls dead with his last breath. Alex picks up his lightsaber, while Piplup grabs the two braids and Laya leads them all out of the burning building.

The hospital is nearly evacuated, when Real Man is searching around the burning building for he knows not what. He stumbles upon a room and walks in it despite the sound of The Daughter of Mortis saying: “Eric, this is your last chance to fly out with me. The retreat has been called”. Despite this, The Daughter and Quasar wait an extra ninety seconds for their rookie teammate who comes bursting out of the 11th story window with Dracula hot on his trail. The Daughter of Mortis catches Eric and the they begin to fly back to Shit-kicker Headquarters. Quasar asks the question of Eric: “Wait a second, is that a baby in your hands”? “I was just drawn to the baby's room, I can't explain it”. Eric says. “Who is the child”? The daughter of Mortis asks. Real Man answers: “The chart said Iven Carl Kincheloe Jr.