UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER VI: BEDLAM OF THE BEARS

 

            A 1989 Chevy Cavalier zooms down the asphalt drive of a long highway through the mountainous region of the Playoff Planet.  The Pimpmobile’s radio blares a song while the three inhabitants of the vehicle sing in perfect synchronicity with the lyrics.

 

. . . I like that boom boom pow,

Them chickens jackin' my style;

They try copy my swagger,

I'm on that next sh#t now.

I'm so 2008,

You so 2000 and late;

I got that boom, boom, boom,

That future boom, boom, boom;

Let me get it now. . .

            The trio in the car are brightly colored bears, each more raucous than the other.  The light blue, star emblazoned Wish Bear looks up to his two other teammates from where its paws rotate between pressing the gas pedal.

            “I knew we needed to jack this pimp b#%chen rod from those undead Artrip f#$ks. What do black lanterns need with a ride anyway?!?”

            The orange colored, flowery chested Friend Bear, behind the wheel, looks down at Wish Bear, while the blue mooned Bedtime Bear sits next to Friend in heightened silence.

            “Damn straight,” responds Friend, “the only thing those motherf#$kers need is a ring around that finger!  They don’t need no car!”

            Navigational maestro Bedtime Bear smiles and although the radio still echoes the lyrics of “Boom Boom Pow,” Bedtime  begins to mime Beyonce from her famous video about a ring on a finger.

            The motor vehicle races down the slope and Bedtime points to his left as the three then notice a Ferrari 308 burning rubber beside them.  Through the window of the sports car, the bears notice NFG Mike.  The two vehicles keep pace with one another, each jockeying to gain an upper hand in order to use its momentum and, at the right time, thrust the other over the road’s barrier and down the ridge. 

            The overly matched Pimpmobile is struck repeatedly by NFG’s Ferrari in an attempt to rattle the once huggable stuffed toys.  The Pimpmobile strikes the guardrail and sparks fly from the vehicle’s exterior.  Wish Bear, in “Days of Thunder” skill, continually shifts its paws back and forth from the brake to the gas pedal, while Friend Bear steers. 

            Bedtime Bear looks over to NFG Mike, whose window is now open.  The bear smiles as it reaches down beneath the seat.   It scampers over to the window and with crisp precision throws a bottle of liquid over at NFG’s vehicle. 

            Friend Bear shouts, “Great job Bedtime!  Now light that next bottle and crisp that f@$ker!!!  Great idea about a molotov cocktail!!!”

            Bedtime Bear looks over at Friend Bear.

            “That wasn’t alcohol,” whispers Bedtime for the first time in the match.  “That was my piss!”

            Both Friend and Wish look over at Bedtime and laugh.  Meanwhile, NFG Mike gags at the bear’s bodily fluids spewed over the vehicle’s interior and due to the intense smell vomits upon himself.

            NFG wipes the frothy spittle around his mouth and at the top of his lungs, screams to his furry combatants, “You little f@$ks!  I’m going to carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey!!!”

            With these words, NFG ignites his lightsaber to show that he will make good upon his threat.  Unfortunately for NFG, the stretch of road does not warrant a lit blade and the bears take advantage of NFG’s unsheathed weapon.

            “Now motherf@cker!!!,” screams Friend.  “Hit it Wish!!!”

            In response to Friend Bear’s directions, Wish Bear hits the gas and Friend jerks the wheel, allowing the Pimpmobile to strike the 308 in violent fashion.  The lightsaber, still ignited in NFG’s hand, accidentally pierces the shifter and lops off the steering wheel, barely missing NFG’s wrists.  In response to the damage caused by the blade, the 308 careens out of control and flips over as a piercing shriek is heard from NFG.  The car finally halts against the mountainside, luckily skirting the other side of the road and catapulting over the mountain. 

            The Pimpmobile slowly comes to a stop.  Each of the Care Bears saunters out of the vehicle to the flipped Ferrari’s location.

            “Well.  Well.  Well,” grins Wish Bear.  “What do we have here?”

            A broken NFG Mike crawls from the vehicle, only able to use his muscular arms, with pieces of glass interspersed throughout his skin.  He does not have his lightsaber.  He is unable to use his legs.  Yet, he is still ready to fight these depraved beasts to his dying breath.

            Friend Bear looks in the car and notices NFG’s lightsaber still within.  The bear races around to the other side of the vehicle as NFG Mike is unable to thwart the bear’s attempt in reaching its goal.  Friend pulls the weapon out and ignites the lightsaber.

            “Ooooh. . .  Green,” says Friend Bear to his companions, swishing the blade back and forth.

            NFG Mike lies on the ground, defeated, realizing that he cannot move his legs and due to the pressure on his spinal cord, now his arms.  Nonetheless, he refuses to die in a pathetic manner and looks fiercely insolent. 

            Bedtime Bear speaks, once again, on rare occasion as it looks to the others in its trio, “Let’s make a Columbian Necktie!”

            Friend Bear says, “Sounds good to me!”

  
           Wish Bear responds, “I’m in!”

            NFG Mike shouts in defiance, “Do it!  Do it you little F@#ks!!!”

            Bedtime Bear, “Oh, don’t you worry my friend.  We will. . .”

            Screams are heard, followed by gurgling as Friend Bear, with the assistance of his brethren, slashes a vertical incision through NFG’s neck and then pulls out the man’s tongue; a Columbian necktie.  The three bears giggle as NFG dies, choking in his own blood.

            “Oh that was so much fun,” claps Bedtime Bear. “Let’s get back in our ride and see who else we can f@$k with!”

            “Sounds good to me!” excitedly replies Friend Bear.

            “Back on the road. . . b#$ches!,” exclaims Wish Bear.

            The three shimmy back into the Pimpmobile and ride to their next friendly adventure.