Season 7, Week 7 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. President Barack Obama and Miley Cyrus's Touring Battalion of Commandos

“Bring the lights up,
Bust the doors down;
Dust yourself off,
Shake it up! Shake it up!”

            -Selena Gomez [Shake It Up]

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 7 Match located in Troy. They are as follows:

Slaves: Kryptonian Army Soldiers #1-2, Patroclus  with both Atlas Axe and Halberd, Trojan Man with Ferengi Energy Whip, Mercer, Chuck Norris in Iron Man Armor, Jedi Masters #1C-7C and Darth Shamalay.  

Commandos: Jedi Masters #21-26, Jedi Knight #34B, Knights of Solamnia #1-6, Bronze Dragons #1-3 and the “Shake It Up” crew.

Commandos’ locker room. . .

Rocky Blue:  I’m gonna dance on the graves of all those Slaves!

Cece Jones:  Your rhyme is right on time Rocky!

Slaves’ locker room. . .

Chuck Norris’s Iron Man helmet clangs over his face.  The icon looks to Darth Shemalya. 

Norris: Fear of spiders is arachnophobia.  Fear of closed spaces is claustrophobia.  Fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.

Shemalya slowly turns to not only Norris, but to her entire team. Two wet croaks are emitted from her throat.

Shemalya: All.  Mine.

THE TRUMPETING OF A CONCH SHELL IS HEARD THROUGHOUT THE STREETS OF TROY.

Let the match begin. . .

Knights of Solamnia.  .  .

Darth Shemalya strides from the locker room into the cobbled streets below.  Her teammates are nowhere to be found.  Shemalya continues and stops at a small square.  The Knights of Solamnia #1-6 rush from homes encompassing the area.  Shemalya is trapped by the Dragonlance characters.  The entire regiment unsheathes and brandishes their swords.  In response, a snap-hiss is heard as Shemalya’s lightsaber ignites.  The Knights are no match for the dark master as the lightsaber easily slices through their blades and readily carves through their bodies.  The entire Knight of Solamnia group remains a littered mass of carnage in the square as Shemalya moves on.   

Bronze Dragons #1-3. . .

Shemalya continues through the streets of Troy and wanders slowly to the docks.  She hears the crunching of scales as three Bronze Dragons crawl from the waters.  The first immediately reacts to the enemy and sprays repulsion gas.  Shemalya leaps over the weaponized cone emitted from the dragon, successfully completes a back flip and cuts through the head of Bronze Dragon #3.  The second two beasts, Bronze Dragons #1 and #2, flank the Sith Lord on two parallel docks and spew lightning from their gullets. Shemalya’s blade deflects the lightning back at the immense reptiles and singes their bodies.  She whispers to herself.

Shemalya:  You call that lightning?!?!

Shemalya unleashes a barrage of Force lightning flashes at the mythical beasts and fries them where they stand.  Bronze Dragons #1 and #2 are killed.   Shemalya moves from the docks and enters into a large citadel. 

Shake It Up Crew. . .

In the structure, the entire “Shake It Up” crew is dancing to their theme song.  Cece Jones, Rocky Blue, Flynn Jones, Ty Blue, Deuce Martinez, Gunther Hessenheffer and Tinka Hessenheffer suddenly cease their moves when they set their eyes upon Darth Shemalya.  Darth swirls her hands and mumbles.

Shemalya:  Shake.  This.  Up. 

Immediately both Cece Jones and Rocky Blue begin making out, their tongues exploring each other’s mouths.  The Hessenheffers begin projectile vomiting at one another’s faces.   Flynn Jones, Ty Blue and Deuce Martinez begin self mutilation on their own bodies.   Shemalya smiles and twists her hands together. 

Shemalya: Bend.  Them. 

The entire Shake It Up crew ceases their respective actions and crumple to the ground.  They do the worm across the marbled floor.  The younglings cannot stop and soon the grinding and cracking of bones is heard as they gyrate in increasing flexibility.  Soon, they lie in their own blood, masses of cracked vertebrae and dripping mucus.  Shemalya balls her hands into fists and the final snapping of necks is heard.  The entire crew perishes.

Jedi. . .

Shemalya moves into the forum and is confronted by Jedi Knight #34B, along with Jedi Masters #21-26.  The multi-colored spectrum of lightsabers echo off the sunlight as they clash against the lone red blade.  Jedi Knight #34B falls first.  Although Jedi Masters #23 and 25 actually graze the black cloak of Shemalya, it is only a matter of time before the Sith Lord defeats all of the Jedi.  She uses her lightsaber to either lop off the head, or disembowel her enemies.  When the skirmish is completed, Shemalya walks away.  She looks back to see her handiwork, being all of the Jedi kneeling, their lungs splayed over their shoulders in a blood eagle position.   

Slaves. . .

Shemalya trudges back to the area of her team’s locker room.  The Sith Lord is greeted by her teammates.   Before anyone can echo a word, Shemalya unleashes a barrage of Force lightning, killing all Jedi Masters #1C-7C.

Patroclus:  What the f@cketh Shemalya!!!  They are on our team!!!

Shemalya:  I hate all Jedi - no matter what team they may be on, especially the common soldiers who are but worthless pebbles to me.  They only survive each match at my fancy. 

A shocked Trojan Man reacts to the desecration and unleashes his whip, striking Shemalya. 

Shemalya: You should not have done that. 

Shemalya throws her hand out and the whip wraps around Trojan Man’s member.  She jerks her hands away from her body and the action rips off his penis.

Shemalya:  Ironic, is it not Trojan Man?

With a flick of her wrists, showers of blood shoot out of Trojan Man’s mottled stump.  Trojan Man bleeds out. 

Chuck Norris:  She cannot be controlled!

Norris uses the Iron Man armor to fly upward while Kryptonian Army Soldiers #1-2 grab the Sith Lord’s arms.  Norris releases a controlled blast at Shemalya, who screams as she is hit and loses her lightsaber.

Norris: Remember Shemalya.  Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience!!!

Before Norris can fire upon his crazed teammate again, Shemalya unleashes Force lightning through her arms and into the Kryptonian Soldiers.  The ferocity of the strikes brings them to their knees, releasing Shemalya.  She reaches out her hand and obtains her lightsaber.  In one foul swoop, both Kryptonian Soldiers’ head are released from their bodies.  Mercer draws his weapons.

Shemalya: Please.

Shemalya’s lightsaber burns through the Renegade’s torso and Mercer dies.

Patroclus drops his weapons.

Patroclus:  Shemalya!!!!  I no longer ache for the touch Achilles!  Let me tend to your needs!

Shemalya:  I need nothing and no one.

Patroclus is killed.

Norris begins to fly away. 

Shemalya:  Not so fast, Norris.

She uses the Force to drag Norris down to the ground.  A skirmish is heard.

Slaves’ locker room. . .

Shemalya strolls through the locker room.  She looks back at one of the stalls and sees Chuck Norris, whose helmet is off. . .  and sporting a Columbian necktie.