S9W5 - Turrible Decisions vs Royal Highness

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions is: Siryn, Quills, Gatecrasher, Kaine, Zombie Absorbing Man, Kimura, Cannonball, Rasslor, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam w/ Green Lantern Ring, Jesse Quick, Cheetah, Book Worm, Red Star, Flash (Jay Garrick), Battle Pope w/ Chaingun, One-Punch Man, Deathblow, Witchblade, Avengelyne w/ blue Lightsaber, Punch/Counterpunch, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, Squeezeplay and Locos, Brawn w/ Green Lantern Ring, Broadside, Curtis Manning w/ Iron Man Armor, Battletoads Rash, Pimple, and Zitz, Renee Walker w/ Fremkit, Faith Lehane w/ Blue Lightsaber, The Master, Glory, Roadblock, Helios, Themis, Shriekers #1-6, Junkeons #2-10, Nightsister Sith Witches #8-14, Jedi Masters #1D-10D, Ents #1-10, Fremen #1-17.

The Royal Highness is: Q2 (9 deaths), The Astronomer, The Contemplator, The Gardener, The Possessor(9 deaths for Possessor) - (Marvel Elders of the Universe), Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Scowl, Slog, and Wildfly  (Transformers) (Merge to form Monstructor), Richard Nixon, Emperor Palpatine, Kylo Ren, Steel Doomsday (9 deaths), Fantastic Four: Reed Richards (9 deaths) w/Ultimate Nullifier, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, and The Thing(all in The Anti-Galactus Suit), Sunstreaker and Sideswipe (9 deaths), The Black Flash(DC), Agent Smith (Matrix), Sleep and Death (Greek Gods), Batman Beyond in Batwing, Broly (DBZ), Morgan le Fey (Mythology) w/Voldemort's Wand, Sandman (Marvel), Booker Dewitt and Elizabeth (Bioshock), Sonny the Robot, Agent 47 (Hitman), John Wick, King Richard the Lionhearted -12 on Mordor Horse #1, Finn (Star Wars) w/Yellow Lightsaber, Randy Couture -17 w/Iron Man Suit, The Rifleman: Lucas McCain, Hugh Glass, DC Spider-Man, Dave Thomas, Founder of Wendy's, Signal Men(DC) -#1-4, Upgraded Matrix Agent #1, Queen Xenomorph - #1, 2, 3, 7, 9, Wookie Soldier #2 (9 deaths), 3 (9 deaths), #7-25, Ancient Sith Lord #1, 2, 3, 7, 15, Sandworm #1A, Antriedes Soldier #14 (9 deaths), 16, 17, 18, Uruk Hai #57 (LOTR), Minotaur #1-5, Looney Tunes Gremlins #1-6, Allosaur #21-25, Dilophosaur #21-25, White Dragon #9

“I told you goons to keep him ALIVE!” screamed Agent Smith to Steel Doomsday and The Thing. The two of them were doing a number on Red Star who they had bound to a cement pillar in an abandoned warehouse. “When Batman finally locates that cowardly little nerd, I will need him.”

“Couldn’t Q2 just blink the planet into another dimension or some crap?” asked annoyed Reed Richards. “If the Marvel Elders couldn’t find him…”

“The Elders were busy getting their ass kicked by Helios and Themis, remember?” Smith responds. “Sure Q2 could probably do that but then we all die too. We have time. We can wait him out. Batman will find him soon.”

Smith looked out of broken window in the abandoned warehouse at the scorched planet that lay in waste. “Where are you hiding?” he whispered.

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The playoff planet had fallen into an eternal darkness. The absurd sizes of the teams that fought in that midseason battle waged a war that lasted years and the smoke from the flames and dust from the earth blacked out the sky.  Well…I suppose time is relative really. What could last decades down here, happens in the blink of an eye to the watchers back on Earth. Some watch matches for weeks while some, let's be honest, some keep cranking out the turds at the deadline. (*cough* Fizzatu *cough*)  I should know. I am probably the only person who has read every match.  Then again, I am always reading something. Maybe it was all that reading that has kept me alive this long.

I never was much of a fighter, I would rather read a good war story than be asked to fight in one. I suppose I have always been watching from the sidelines. Even in the days when they called me a “villain” of Batman. Honestly, how would a Bookworm fare in a fight against Batman? No, I’m no fighter. But I do know what it takes to survive these matches. And it isn’t braun or super powers. I never understood those first few minutes of a fantasy match. So much activity, the instant fighting.  And It’s always the grunts too, the commons, those “Garys” who are the first to die. Swords and lightsabers up, screaming like they were really fighting for something important. Like they have a purpose… And, as expected, this match was no different.

I remember the chaos of that first wave. Jedi Masters cutting the heads off of dinosaurs. John Wick, Agent 47 and Randy Couture had an epic fight with One-Punch Man, Deathblow and Punch/Counterpunch. That fight was great! It lasted hours. Or was it One-Blow Man? No, that was something different. I think that is Bryatu’s favorite internet star. Dave Thomas even deep fried the Battle Pope’s face, hat and all. Ha! Not even sure how he got one of those in here or where he plugged it in.

King Richard rode up at one point and cut the legs off all the Battletoads and Dave fried those up too. I was able to sneak into their camp that night after they had fallen asleep and steal one of Rash’s hind legs. That fed me for days. It tasted heavenly… Must have been after he killed the Pope.  

The fremen did a good job of reclaiming everyone’s water so I was able to fill a couple canteens. They even hijacked the Sandworm from the Royal Highness and turned it against them. It was great watching it eat up Sleep and Death. But that Sandworm joyride was short lived as it and all the Fremen perished when Morgan Le Fay used Voldemort’s wand to blow it up from the inside. Also Kylo Ren threw a lot of temper tantrums and cried a whole bunch. That was a little embarassing.

Yeah, it was kind of neat being a firsthand spectator, apart from the constant running for my life, But now the days have turned into weeks which have turned into years. And I now know this “Week” five battle will end my life. It has become apparent that I will not die “honorably” on the field of battle as every other member of my team but you can chalk my death up to Father Time. For since the moment the match began I have been in hiding and my stores of food and water are now exhausted. Believe it or not, the early days were the easy ones. Back then, I just needed to run from the explosions and hide from the bolts of energy and at night, sneak out and collect supplies. I always read how the winning team is teleported back at the end of the match; but the fighting ended years ago. That is why I have kept this journal of my experience here in hopes that one day it is read by someone who will remember me. A low level unique that survived longer in one match than anyone before.

But perhaps I am not alone and this match is still going on somehow. I now realize that the best case scenario for me is that I was simply forgotten by the watcher and left here to die. That would be a nice ending to this story. A victory wouldn’t be so Turrible even if at the cost of my own life. My gut is telling me a different story though. One with a not so happy ending.

I fear that I am still being hunted.

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Back in the abandoned warehouse, Red Star had been working at his restraints since they tied him up and finally had them loose enough where he knew he could escape quickly. Feigning unconsciousness, he was trying to think of a plan. It was a deathmatch week and he surely couldn’t take them all on. Not in the same room.  As he was contemplating his options, he could hear the remaining members of the Highness talking in hushed whispers.

“Batman found him with the thermal scanning on his Batwing”

“Where is he?”

“Here in the City. Two clicks south”

“Which building?”

“Four story office building, second or third floor. We leave in 30 minutes.”

With all of their backs to him. Red Star removed himself from his bindings and slipped out an open service door only 20 feet away.  “Ha!” he thought to himself. With his new found knowledge, he was making a break for his last remaining teammate. “It was almost too easy.” he snickered.

Agent Smith turned to the empty pillar where Red Star once stood and then to the open door behind him. “It was almost too easy” he said with a grin.

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The door to the room kicked in and Bookworm dropped his pen and book and covered his face. “This is it!” he thought to himself briefly before being shaken to.

“Snap out of it!” Red Star said firmly but quiet. “They are coming and we need to leave here now! Now get UP!” he said pulling his fraile teammate to his feet.

“I got a place we can go!” Bookworm said leading the way out into the hallway. “It’s not far but it connects us to other buildings with a series of tunnels underground.” He stopped short when he heard a distinct buzzing sound behind him.

“I’ve been looking for you… Mr. Kingor” said Agent Smith.

The Bookworm didn’t have a retort. He just watched as the Agent leaped inside him.

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The door to the Abandoned warehouse slid open and the remaining Highness members strolled out leaving only beaten and burned corpse of the Red Star behind.