NL Playoffs Round 2: Crack Danks vs House Elves

McCrackdeezys: Obi-Wan Kenobi (-4), Venom, Balrog of Moria, Eradicator (-4), Sarumon (-4), War Machine, Emma Frost, Black Queen (-4), Red Skull, Korg and Meek (both -4), Vampire Magneto w/ Orange Lantern Ring (-4), Zombie Captain Marvel (-4), Toph Beifong, Lin Beifong, Supreme Leader Snoke, Krampus, Frankenstein’s Monster, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Jason Voorhees w/ Red Lantern Ring, The Silverhawks (Quicksilver, Talleyhawk, Lt. Colonel BlueGrass, Steelheart, Rayzor, Steelwill, Stronghold, The Copper Kid, Mayday), Wicked Witch of the East and Wicked Witch of the West, Mr. Sinister, Goliath, Green Lantern Penguin, Shredder (-4), Beast Boy, and Jaws 3

1st President’s Non-Paid Workers: Superman (-4), Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (-4), Emperor Joker (-4), Iron Man (-4), Juggernaut (-4), Agent Smith (-4), Orion (-4), Inhumans (Medusa, Karnak, Gorgon, Triton, Crystal, Lockjaw, Maximus the Mad, The Unspoken) (all -4), Sandworm #1-5 (all -4), Han Solo and Chewbacca in Imperial Shuttle, Sinestro, Galvatron, Ben Kenobi, T-1000, Nazgul #3 on #3’s Fell Beast, George Washington, Corbin Dallas, Santa’s Crew (Santa, Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen), Shao Kahn, Ron Weasely (-4), Dick Tracy, Dark Helmet, Predi-Alien, Qui-Gon Jinn w/ Frog Suit (-4), Jar Jar Binks (-4), Arsenal, Batgirl, Wampa, Zaheer, Prince Andrew, Jeffery Epstein, White Walker #3-5 (all -4), Prince Harry in F-14 (-4), Waterbender #1-3 (#3 is -4), and Airbender #4

The Cave

As a start for the slaves- I mean House Elves, Arsenal and Batgirl stray from the rest of the group to form a command center. They come upon a cave which reminds Batgirl of the batcave and thinks it would be a good strategic hub for the battle. Arsenal chimes in about how he’s never been to the batcave before but insists it doesn’t bother him… it hurts deep down. Arsenal notices a hole slightly larger than a crevice in the back of the cave that keeps emitting a small source of light and demonic sounds. Batgirl insists it means nothing and to forget about it, but Arsenal knows something is wrong with it. He can sense someone once delved too deep, with too much greed. There’s something deep down that fills every inch of Arsenal with fear… Batgirl calls him a pussy and finishes setting up their base of operations.

Batgirl comms to the team “I’ve divided the team into 5 sections: Skies, Water, Cold, Sand, and City. You all have your assignments, get to work.”

The Skies

Feast your eyes to the skies as Crack Danks sends out Zombie Captain Marvel, Eradicator, War Machine, Vampire Magneto w/ Orange Lantern Ring, and Green Lantern Penguin to counter the House Elves bringing Superman, Iron Man, Han and Chewie in Imperial Shuttle, Nazgul #3 on #3’s Fell Beast, Santa and Reindeer Crew, Zaheer, and Prince Harry in F-14. Vampire Magneto immediately can smell the metal emanating from Washington’s slaves, since the Vampire version of Magneto lusts for metal rather than blood like a normal vampire. As the metal hunks head towards Crackdeezeys, Iron Man sends missiles straight at his old buddy War Machine and leaves him way worse than paralyzed. By that point, House Elves are within the clutches of Vampire Magneto and he crushes Iron Man, Han and Chewie’s Imperial Shuttle, and Prince Harry’s F-14. He also smells a unique metal, coming from the flying Witch who moved in on Green Lantern Penguin and bit the head off him. Vampire Magneto ends Nazgul's reign by flattening the metal structure of the Witch and slicing the beast with the master.

As a counter to Vampire Magneto’s metal powers, it is a good thing Santa’s sleigh is made of only wood. The reindeer move at immense speed pulling the sleigh by Vampire Magneto, who cannot stop the powerful children’s hero, and Santa punches with his superhuman strength to snap Vampire Magneto’s head.

Meanwhile, Vampire Captain Marvel and Eradicator meet against Superman and Zaheer. Eradicator cockily points out to Superman that he is everything Superman is and more. Superman responds saying he is on his last life. Eradicator explains that he is also last life. Superman stumbles and finally says “Well… I am Clark Kent… so… I am just always better… cause that’s how superman works.” Vampire Captain Marvel stares with confusion. Zaheer takes this moment of pause to meditate. Whilst meditating, Eradicator doesn’t care and snaps Zaheer’s neck… RUTHLESS. Superman retaliates by moving in on Zombie Captain Marvel and since he is THE Superman on his final life, he obviously destroys Zombie Captain Marvel with ease. Eradicator is amazed by the pure strength of his kryptonian brethren, which distracts him long enough to have Santa use his magic to debilitate Eradicator so Superman can land a killing blow… wait Superman doesn’t kill… I meant he severely maimed Eradicator so that he will never be able to move again.

The Water

Let’s transition to the waters, where, frankly, I am disappointed on the turn up here. I get it, no one has as good of a water team as me, but come on y’all, this is disappointing, except for Jaws 3, I’ve got speck for that beast right there. Anyways, the House Elves send in Qui-Gon, Jar Jar Binks, and Waterbender #1-3. Crack Danks have already established the territory with Beast Boy and Jaws 3.

As for the incoming first president’s house workers, Jar Jar is coming in with 4 deaths, which arguably could be even more of a hindrance rather than a helping hand. Either way, Qui-Gon and Jar Jar swim their way towards the depths as the Waterbenders take a different route down to the deep. Qui-Gon and Jar Jar are met by Beast Boy who finds Jar Jar’s species fascinating and decides to morph into the Gungan form. Beast Boy finds it useless and decides a shark will do it instead. He moves quickly to bite Jar Jar but Qui-Gon force pushes the green morphling away. Jar Jar moves quickly towards Qui-Gon for help, but instead only is in the way of Qui-Gon continuing to attack Beast Boy, which provides time for Beast Boy to return and Bite for both House Elves. All he can bite onto though is the beloved, or possibly hated, Gungan alongside a hot sizzling lightsaber. Qui-Gon continues downwards and meets up with the three Waterbenders.

The water begins to be very cold at such depths. Qui-Gon is wary of what larger creatures may be roaming at this sea level and tells the Waterbenders to keep an eye out. As he does, he notices only two, rather than the original three benders. They quickly move back to back to try and fight whatever it is attacking them. Qui-Gon turns to check the others and notices there is only one bender left, he whispers “May the force be with you” (yes that’s not scientifically accurate to talk under water, but fuck you). On the creature's final run through, the behemoth of a shark wants a two for one and goes to swallow the final bender and Qui-Gon in one bite. Qui-Gon mutters in his last moments… “There’s always a bigger fish…” and the House Elves’ water squad is decimated.

The Cold

You may be asking “Why Zach? Why make a section about the cold? Are you stupid?” Well I would respond with “Yes, but my mans played a damn Wampa. That thing almost killed THE Luke Skywalker.” Also, House Elves put in some White Walkers up in here, so Crackdeezeys responds with Red Skull and Frankenstein’s Monsters.

This time the Slaves hold dominion of the cold and the Wendeezeys squad is just some rejects from society who find themselves deep into the cold terrain. Although society has not accepted them, Red Skull and Frankenstein’s Monster start to become fast friends, the only ones either have ever had. Red Skull, the strategist, and Frankenstein’s Monster, the brute… reminds me of the classic Of Mice and Men, great book. As they continue their travels, they come upon three white demons, unsure of what they are. Frankenstein’s Monster, not attentive to the situation, thinks these could be new friends and goes to hug one. Unaware of his own strength, he crushes White Walker #4 with his bear hug. He drops the lifeless body and goes for attempt #2 and goes to hug both remaining Walkers. He again squeezes too tightly, but not before his body was hit with two white walker swords.

Red Skull is saddened by his new and only friend’s death, but continues his endless journey across the cold abyss. He sees a cave up ahead where he decides to take shelter for the night. As he arrives at the cave entrance, he hears a lowly growl from deeper into the cave. He decides it’s best to stay near the entrance to sleep and not disturb what lays deeper. Smart dude, shouldn’t delve too deep or you might not like what you find. Although, it still ends bad for the exiled Nazi extremist, as the Wampa beast wakes before Red Skull and goes to hunt for food but finds it sitting at the entrance for him.

The Sand

“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, rough, and irritating.” - Anakin Skywalker. Now where does someone like this’ master hermit for the rest of his life, Ben Kenobi... in the sand. In his time alone with his thoughts, he came upon a few who he could trust as alliances. Those were named as Sandworm #1-5, Sinestro, and Predi-Alien. The Crackdeezeys squad mustered up a squad to rival these sand dwelling people including Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jason Voorhees w/ Red Lantern Ring, Dr. Jekyll, and Mr. Hyde.

With such a matchup of characters, the question must be begged, who is the master of fear? Is it a man who becomes more powerful from the fear of others or is it simply a man who can make any person fearful. I find the latter to be the winner, and with the combined evil of Krampus and Mr. Hyde alongside Jason, Sinestro crumbles in fear causing the ring to implode on itself due to such cowardice and fear in its owner. While the three ganged up on the disgraced former green lantern, Predi-Alien rode atop of Sandworm #5’s back and sprouted out from the sand swallowing Mr. Hyde, alongside Dr. Jekyll’s consciousness… if there was even any left at the time. Jason rages and uses his ring to explode Sandworm #5, but not before Predi-Alien was able to jump off and land atop Sandworm #1. With his new found buddy, they make way towards Jason in a diamond formation with Sandworm #2 and #4 on left and right filled at the rear with Sandworm #3. All Jason can do is make a direct shot of rage plasma at Predi-Alien which removes the head from the rest of the body. Soon followed, the Sandworms swallow Jason whole. Krampus secretly escaped into the shadows, wishing to not fall into the same doom of his evil brethren.

Meanwhile, Old Ben calls out to the younger version of himself. Pleads him to see the wrong in this fight, that they need to work together. Although, Obi-Wan is fresh off Mustafar and Anakin’s hatred now flows through him. Old Ben quickly realizes this and understands he must square off with his younger self. They stand facing each other, glaring into the same pair of eyes as their own. The only difference is the time between each pair, the difference in age is older than Josh’s age, like clearly boomer territory, like old as shit, like old old. Anyways, Old Ben doesn’t move like he used to, so he awaits Obi-Wan's first move. As he is about to take it, the Sandworms come in and obliterate both of them. They don't even leave their lightsabers working, completely destroying both of them.

The City

This section is longer, so here’s just all the peeps from both sides for this part. I have to say, I see a lot of old white dudes, what’s up with that.

Crack Danks: Venom, Saruman (-4), Emma Frost, Black Queen (-4), Korg and Meek (both -4), Toph Beifong, Lin Beifong, Supreme Leader Snoke, The Silverhawks, Wicked Witch of East and West, Mr. Sinister, Goliath, Shredder (-4)

House Elves: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (-4), Emperor Joker (-4), Juggernaut (-4), Agent Smith (-4), Orion (-4), Inhumans (all -4), Galvatron, T-1000, George Washington, Corbin Dallas, Shao Kahn, Ron Weasely (-4), Dick Tracy, Dark Helmet, Prince Andrew, Jeffery Epstein, Airbender #4

The McDeezeys station up on top of the highest skyscraper Saruman could find. He wanted an overview of all the fighting from the safety of above. Even so, Ron Weasely moves in for an early strike from long distance and attempts the killing curse upon Saurmon… unfortunately, Ron is still using his broken wand and the curse is reversed back onto himself. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore shakes his head and continues with the rest of the battle yet to have begun.

To start fast, Emperor Joker did some bullshit here and a bit of bullshit there with his stupid magical dumb powers that don’t deserve anything fun. Ensued the death of teammates and opponents including Galvatron, T-1000, George Washington, Corbin Dallas, Shao Kahn, Prince Andrew, Jeffrey Epstein, Venom, The Silverhawks, Wicked Witches, Mr. Sinister, and Goliath. All the while, Joker laughs his maniacal laugh for which the deaths of opponents and teammates alike is hysterical to him. Following soon after, Saruman gets to work conjuring spells to defeat the hard working non-paid servants.

Pan over to the Beifong family, and we see Korg and Meek approach the mother-daughter duo. “Hi, my name’s Korg. This is Meek” said in the exact voice you just read that in. Toph, being blind, asks, “Are you made of rocks? Sweet!” And before Korg can even respond, she dismantles the Kronan and shapes him into sharp pieces. She decimates the 4 Airbenders along with Dick Tracy and Dark Helmet, but unfortunately paid no attention to Meek in the process and shredded him to pieces, as well. By this time, Saurman was able to conjure a spell that sent New Gods back to their planet without the possibility of ever leaving it again. Therefore, Orion is quickly sucked back to his world, but not before he grabs a hold of Lin Beifong with such a forceful hug that her eyes pop out of her head.

Juggernaut has had enough of this old white dude in a tower. He begins to run towards the base of the building picking up more and more momentum until he finally crashes into the building and then out the other side. The structure begins to crumble beneath Saruman and he falls far to his fateful death. Toph, stricken with the grief of her daughter’s murder, becomes enraged and sets her eyes to Juggernaut. She is of no match though, so Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore quickly sends a spell to kill Toph before she endures a painful squash from Juggernaut.

All along, Agent Smith has been on his own agenda, slowly turning enemies and supposed friends into himself. He got a hold of Emma Frost, Shredder, and all the Inhumans. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore notices Agent Smith approaching him and implores the sharply dressed man to see reason and not do this, but it’s too late. Another agent came from behind and turned the great Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore into Agent Smith. Meanwhile, other agents turned Juggernaut and the slow moving Supreme Leader Snoke. The rest of the agents gather up to turn Black Queen, as well. She begins to suck the life force out of them to try and gain power but she cannot do it quick enough before the agents grab a hold of her. All that remains are the agents and Emperor Joker, which after long consideration, Joker decides it will be fun and happily accepts Agent Smith to turn him.

Final Survivors

As Arsenal and Batgirl are assessing survivors from each section, they determine that they will easily win and need to simply clean up the rest of Crackdeezeys. But they did not calculate for a certain being lurking in the depths that could change the tide. Out emerges THE BALROG OF MORIA!! Batgirl and Arsenal delved too deep into the cave and awoke the massive balrog to their own demise. The demon makes quick work of the two humans dressed in costumes. The Balrog of Moria is satisfied and returns to the shadows to live out the rest of its days.

As confusion of what just happened is going around the comms of the House Elves, Krampus is able to sneak up on Santa and his crew and kill all of them, claiming Santa had abused him far too long. At the same time, the Sandworms continue to eat and eat which leads to them feasting on each other, unfortunately leading to all 4 Sandworms perishing. Even worse, Wampa falls through thin ice and into open water where Jaws 3 comes and eats the massive beast. Things have quickly turned a 180 on the House Elves and victory does not seem so definite. Superman has finally had enough of the chaos and goes full berserker mode on Krampus and Jaws 3, completely incinerating them with his heat vision…

The day is finally won. Superman falls to his knees, realizing he just committed two murders. But then he realizes they were more animal than human so he doesn’t feel as bad. Although, it is long enough for the agents to come forth and turn the only remaining survivor. All that lives are all the Agent Smiths, with no Neo to stop him...