Week 6: Crack Danks vs Empire of Evil Midgets

Empire- Supergirl, Polaris, Capt. Marvel, Blink, The Ancient One, Azula w/ Fire Flower, Mystique, Abeloth, Killer Frost, Black Canary, Athena, Wendy the Good Witch, Argent, Starfire, Lara Croft, Princess Leia, Iris West

Crack Danks- Taka (Sasuke, Jugo, Suigetsu, Karin), Juggernaut w/ Red Lantern Ring, Nathan Algren, Batwing, Arkham Knight, The Joker, Harley Quinn*, Chuck Norris w/ Green Lantern Ring, Venom*, Qui-Gon Jinn, Prometheus, Witch King of Angmar, Beast Boy, Death Stroke*

As the blood moon rose above Bludhaven the teams began their fight. The Empire fielded an all woman squad, which was worth 97 percent of an all man squad if you listen to the liberal media.

Juggernaut was barreling through buildings trying to force anyone and everyone out. Azula, Lara Croft, Princess Leia and Iris West pulled up in the all white Jeep Wrangler and took him on a chase where even more of the city was destroyed. Every time Azula would run some civilian over she would say something to the affect of “Oh my god, I’m so quirky” or “I’m such a gemini.” The whole way they were turning around shooting at him, but he absorbed most of the hits with ease and became angrier. Eventually he caught up with them and sent the Jeep rolling, where everyone inside was living, laughing, and loving, until it smashed into a telephone pole at 50. From above Captain Marvel came down and punched Juggernaut, who took it like a champ. Once he got her near the ground, the road crumbled and Jugo’s hand extended and dragged her down into the sewers where the rest of Taka was waiting.

Captain Marvel reacted quickly and did a sweet kick onto Karin who was sent into the wall before sliding down. Suigetsu, who was dissatisfied for having to be in the sewer water, moved towards her and surrounded her in the poop water, she will definitely have pink eye back in the locker room. Captain Marvel punched her way out of the enclosure but Sasuke caught her with the sword and cut off her head. Back up top Supergirl and Polaris had arrived to take out Juggernaut once and for all. Supergirl began absolutely mixing up Juggernaut, and whenever he would get pushed away Polaris would pull him straight back in. The only thing keeping him alive was the ring and that wouldn’t last long if this kept up. Juggernaut was getting really sick of the loop he was trapped in, so when he was thrown into a building he pushed off as Polaris pulled him, sending him at like mach 3 straight into her. Juggernaut was by now, sufficiently gassed though and Supergirl finished him off.

Venom, Qui-Gon Jinn, Nathan Algren, Joker, and Harley Quinn were coming to help Juggernaut, but were cut off by The Ancient One, Mystique, and Starfire. Mystique made quick work of Nathan, but Harley smacked her on the head with her big hamma. Joker was throwing traps and gags out all over the place and they began to explode as he laughed manically. He hit Venom with some friendly fire though and as he was burning, the Ancient One observed his distress and increased the power of the flames. Starfire was reigning hell on Qui-Gon as he remained in cover. Deathstroke had heard the battle and come to help. He back flipped off a building and shot Starfire in the head. The Ancient One wasn’t going to go out without a fight and killed Joker and Qui-Gon as revenge. Just as Deathstroke was about to kill her, Blink made her a portal to escape.

Jugo and Sasuke leapt out of the sewer and told Suigetsu to wait for the signal. Right when the got onto the road, Killer Frost and Black Canary pulled up in the Dry Bones Cart. Killer Frost tried to freeze Sasuke, but Jugo’s arm extended and froze. Black Canary cried out, shattering Jugo’s flesh and sending both Sasuke and Jugo flying. Suigetsu jumped the gun and sprung from the sewers early, so it was no surprise when he was frozen and killed. Chuck Norris arrived to help his friends and round house kicked Black Canary before she could open her mouth again, snapping her neck. He then threw the Cart at Killer Frost and crushed her.

Wendy the Good Witch on a Harley Davidson was easily the most badass thing I seen all night. As she was driving, the Witch King was chasing her down and the two were in a heated magic battle. Beast Boy jumped out in front of her as a rhino and she turned him into a frog and he made a vivid gushing sound when she ran him over. The Witch King used this time and shot out her wheel sending her over the handle bars of the bike into his grip where he squeezed her little neck. Athena watched on in horror as her allies neck was snapped and rushed forward and began a sword battle with the Witch King. Since no man could kill him, and Athena was a woman (and a skilled one at that), she was able to defeat him much like in the movie. 

Athena and Prometheus knew each other well which made them both reluctant to fight. Prometheus had already seen how this was to end though and began the fight to get it over with. Batwing and Arkham Knight were there to reinforce Prometheus, while Argent and Abeloth were coming to support Athena, but both sides respected the fight. Batwing and the Arkham Knight did their best to mitigate Argent’s attacks and together they were able to mix her up. Unfortunately they didn’t have any answers to Abeloth, who was able to kill them easily with her knowledge and power. The goddess and the titan were well matched, but through the power of foresight, Prometheus took advantage of every mistake. Eventually he struck her down and felt some grief about it for a moment, before Abeloth finished him off.

Chuck, Sasuke, Jugo, and Harley met Abeloth, Supergirl, Blink, and the Ancient One for a final confrontation. Sasuke was moving just as fast as Blink could teleport and eventually he caught her coming out of one her portals, cutting off any hope of a retreat for the Empire. Supergirl and Chuck Norris were trading blows and the Texas Ranger was holding his own. Supergirl stepped it up a notch though and Chuck was on the back foot. As she broke his protective barrier she fried him with heat vision while he tried to recover. Deathstroke had come prepared and he lined up his shot, hitting Supergirl in the head with a kryptonite bullet. This gave away his position though and the Ancient One trapped him in another dimension. They spoke for a moment and sensing a chance he pulled his sidearm shooting what he thought was his enemy and only glass shattered. He attempted to escape but was cut off in every direction. The Ancient One pierced him in every direction with spears and left him. Abeloth had made a move at Sasuke and when Jugo tried to save him, she cut right through his flesh with her lightsaber killing Sasuke. Harley and Jugo were unable to get close enough to Abeloth or the Ancient One to do any real damage which enraged both of them. As they began fighting harder, they were also becoming even more sloppy and it wasn’t long until both of them made a fatal mistake.