Darkseid's Horsemen of the Apokolypse vs David Byrne's Meat Suits

Lightside’s Donkey Riders of New Comings: L3-37, Qi’ra, USS Defiant Crew Members #1-3 In the Millenium Falcon, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and Quark in a Next Generation Enterprise Shuttle, Erasmus in an A-Wing, Desaad in Cubs Fan Han’s TIE Slicer, Booster Gold & Skeet, Saint Walker, Indigo One, Dante, Warpath, Black Lantern Supergirl, Black Lantern SHAZAM!, Mary Marvel, Nekron, Orion, Kamek, Chattari Leviathan #3A, Chattari Leviathan #2A, Vampire Chattari Leviathon, Paradoom #1-5, Neo-Cymek #5-10 

David Byrne’s Edible Outfits: One Punch Man, Hank Henshaw w/ Yellow Lantern Ring, Miss Martian, Guy Gardner, Metallo, Jade (DC), Power Ring, Brainiac 5 in a SpaceX Rocket, Bill Cypher, Mongul w/ Yellow Lantern Ring, Galactus and his Herald David Byrne w/ Gloom Sword, Terrax, Madeline Pryor, Moon Knight, Walker Texas Ranger in a Jedi Starfighter, Black Lantern Blue Lantern, Black Lantern Green Lantern, Black Lantern Star Sapphire, Black Lantern #1A, Vampire Star Sapphire, Black Lantern Goblin, Junkeons #1-10 (9 deaths each), Mr. Hankey

You may be asking “What exactly is the Kessel Run?”... to that I say “Are ya facking stewpid?”. Obviously, the Kessel Run is simply a 20-parsec (1-parsec = 3.26 light-years or 19 trillion miles) smuggling route through the Akkadese Maelstrom that surrounds the Kessel sector of the outer rim used for transporting spice out of the planet Kessel. It is the infamous Han Solo in the Millennium Falcon who boasts his ability to traverse the route in only 12-parsecs by splitting two black holes in the Maw Cluster. If it still isn’t making sense to you, I’ve attached a graphic to simplify it.

“We’re making this run quick and efficient. In and out with the spice in no time.” says Qi’ra over the comms to her fellow Darkseid smugglers. “There will be resistance. David Byrne still holds dominion over Kessel, and we all know his rule has been sharp. There hasn’t been a spice run outside of his own sale in quite some time, which is good news for us since it will make us a LOT of money on the black market.”

Qi’ra leads the Horsemen through the standard, “safe”, 20-parsec route to reach Kessel. “We’re hoping to see minimal defense during the travel, but expect a big party once we reach Kess-”

BOOOOOOM

Erasmus’ A-Wing just exploded from Hank Henshaw’s heat vision. “They’re on us now!” Qi’ra yells over the comms, “Defensive maneuvers!”

Hank Henshaw and Guy Gardner wanted to see early action and are attacking the incoming smugglers head on. The Millenium Falcon fires onto the green lantern but does no damage. Booster Gold makes his own attempt only to be crushed by Henshaw along with Skeet. Saint Walker and Indigo One are able to contain Henshaw lining up SHAZAM’s attack only to be knocked away by Guy Gardner. But the green lantern can’t protect Hank from all sides as Mary Marvel uses her magic powers alongside Kamek to down the cyborg. Guy Gardner retaliates by taking out Mary Marvel, as well as Saint Walker for his blue lantern inadvertently powered up Guy. BL Supergirl finally steps in and mercifully ends Guy with a swift punch through the skull. The smugglers hesitate for a moment, stunned by the power of the kryptonian… “What are you wasting time for? We need to keep moving and liberate that spice… NOW!” BL Supergirl bellows to her teammates.

The smuggling crew continues toward Kessel…

No more surprises met the Horsemen in their travels, but they are about to make the turn around Pilot’s End and make their descent onto Kessel, knowing there will be trouble the second they come around the bend. “Prepare yourselves!” Qi’ra yells over comms knowing it will be hectic soon. Around the corner they come AND… nothing? “Where are they?” SHAZAM questions. “I sense a trap.” Kenobi says. “It doesn’t matter. Continue towards the spice mines, quickly. The faster we get in and out the better.” Qi’ra shakily commands.

Darkseid’s crew is able to land onto the planet's surface, and enter the mines without seeing another soul. “I have a bad feeling about this.” Kenobi warns. “It doesn’t matter, just move faster.” Qi’ra says. 

“We’re all loaded up!” yells Dante. “Then let’s get a move on it!” demands Qi’ra. The crew starts heading out of the mines only to find the trap they knew was set. Standing around their ships is the Byrne Mafia. “Let’s get this over with, I’m only here for fun and that’s barely happening right now.” says One Punch Man in a very bored tone.

The fighting commences. Qi’ra yells out “Get the spice to the Falcon! We’re not all making it out of here, but we can at least liberate the spice!” The path is slowly being forged to the ship as death brews all around. One Punch Man one punches Desaad. Kamek goes crazy today and takes down the sentient Bill Cipher from Gravity Falls. Commons on both sides are easily obliterated, except for Junkeon #6-7 who shank Kamek and take him down with them. Jade and Power Ring combine their green lantern might to take down Indigo One. Nekron returns the favor to the green lanterns with the help of Orion. Mr. Hankey sees an opening, literally, and shoves himself up Nekron’s ass (being a sentient poop and all) and proceeds to shred open Nekron’s innards, but not before Nekron creates a self destructing blast to take down Mr. Hankey with him. Orion moves on to takedown Moon Knight *the fool can’t fly, not very good for space setting*. BL Supergirl pushes forward to help pave an opening to the Falcon. She takes down Walker Texas Ranger and Brainiac 5 in their respective ships, but is met with anguish as Metallo’s kryptonite heart weakens her to the ground. Terrax takes the opportunity and smashes BL Supergirl’s chest in.

“GET TO THE SHIPS” echoes Qi’ra, “WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE, WE’RE LOSING TOO MANY” Mongul hears this and destroys Kenobi’s Next Gen Enterprise Shuttle with Quark still being inside. Kenobi pivots and takes Desaad’s Cubs Fan Han’s TIE Slicer. The Falcon and TIE Slicer take to the air with the spice stored in the Falcon. “Defend this ship” Qi’ra demands over the comms.

The battle takes to the skies and the eventual space surrounding Kessel.

“We can’t beat them…” Qi’ra whispers to herself. She thinks of how to lose them in the vast expanse of space… “The Maw Cluster!!” exclaims Qi’ra, “We have to go through the Maw cluster and split the black holes. We can lose them there!” As they travel towards the cluster, epic battles surround the two ships desperately trying to escape. Dante downs Metallo as he is the superior cyborg. Warpath is going blow for blow with Miss Martian, but it is she who takes him down. BL SHAZAM gathers all the strength of Hercules and power of Zeus to create the most brutal lightning storm in history that strikes down Madeline Pryor and Terrax. One Punch Man, seeing something interesting for once, jolts forward to one punch Billy Batson. Orion has had enough of this bald freak and we find out that the strength of a New God is enough to put the once thought invincible One Punch Man to his grave.

The Millenium Falcon and Kenobi in the TIE Slicer reach the Maw cluster with Dante and Orion covering their flank as Miss Martian and Mongul are close behind. The Akkadese Maelstrom is brutal as Dante quickly is struck down while Orion is sucked into a black hole. Miss Martian sees her opening and moves swiftly towards the Falcon. Only inches from striking the ship and Kenobi fires at the martian pushing her off course just enough to also be sucked into a black hole. 

“I sense your fear little ones,” Mongul laughs at the remaining two ships for the Horseman crew, “It fuels me…”

“Just keep pushing forward Kenobi,” Qi’ra shrieks, “We can make it.” Kenobi questions her, “But who is that man ahead?”

The unknown man, sitting still amongst the maelstrom, speaks, “You are marked for death… the devourer will consume you… I herald… Galactus.”

“Who the hell is Galactus?” Qi’ra says confused. “None of our reports mentioned a Galactus.”

Again, Mongul is right on the Falcon’s tail, but he, too, is unable to maneuver through this viscous maelstrom and is consumed by a black hole.

With just the two ships remaining and this unknown Galactus being, Qi’ra tells Kenobi, “Dodge this weirdo and we’ll almost be through the Maw Cluster and freedom will be on the other si-”

BOOOOOOOOOM

Galactus swipes the Millenium Falcon and the ship explodes on impact. It turns out the Maw Cluster was not simply black holes, but it was Galactus feeding off any who dared to shortcut the Kessel Run.

Kenobi, fortunately, was able to dodge the large being and his Herald David Byrne. He makes it out of the Kessel Run, but without any spice and ashamed by his failure he decides to exile himself…