The Syracuse Valley vs Xavier's Annihliation Squad

The Syracuse Valley is Omega Red, Darth Rave, Darth Techno, Nightcrawler, Nocturne, Baby Nightcrawler, Bossk, Sub-Zero, Jedi Guardian #3 w/ Jedi Padawan #37, Wald, Wingnut & Screwloose, Leebo, Mr. Game & Watch, Sonic the Hedgehog, Knuckles, Raiden w/ Kid Thunder, Rob Bartlett, Little Goomba #3-8, Dash Rendar in a Tie Bomber, Splinter, Doogle, Sockpin, Beavis, Butthead, Buttchunk, & Kree Soldier #1.

Xavier's Annihilation Squad is Ursa, The White Witch, The Eradicator, Geo-Force, Avalanche, The Terrorcons, Metroplex, Darth Voltress & Darth Ocron.

The Syracuse Valley is teleported to the frozen tundra known as the Hoth System. They are forced to leave their Movie Transformers back in the locker room due to their weakness to the extreme cold. Which is most unfortunate, since they just caught a glimpse of Xavier’s Annihilation Squad’s defense, The Terrorcons and Metroplex. The White Witch sends the duo of Geo-Force and Avalanche out as the first wave of their attack. They use their powers to open up the ground beneath their opponents, which swallows Beavis, Butthead, Buttchunk, Little Goombas #3-8, Rob Bartlett, Doogle, Sockpin, Leebo, and Wald. Omega Red then leaps into action, knowing that this very well could be his final match. He wraps his carbonadium tentacles around Avalanche and Geo-Force, draining their life force, leaving them as empty husks and him stronger than before. The Terrorcons do not instantly merge and form Abominus as normal, but instead they transform into their monster modes and attack the Valley’s troops. They rip into and kill Bossk, Wingnut, Screwloose, Mr. Game & Watch, and Jedi Padawan #37. They then finally merge into Abominus, which is exactly what Sub-Zero was hoping for. He unleashes his full power at Abominus and seals him in a massive mountain of ice. Dash Rendar then flies in piloting a Tie Bomber, and blows up the Terrorcons with some bombs. In retaliation, Metroplex swats Dash out of the air as if he were a mosquito. The team of Ursa and Eradicator swoop in and are hot on the tails of Sonic the Hedgehog and Knuckles. No matter how fast they run, Sonic and Knuckles aren’t able to shake their aggressors. Ursa and Eradicator finally use their heat vision to end this race, as they blast the two speedy members of The Syracuse Valley in the backs of their heads. Darth Voltress and Darth Ocron then face off against Raiden and Kid Thunder. The two Sith Lords try to end the battle quickly by firing Sith Lightning at them, but this only fuels Raiden and Kid Thunder. They rechannel the lightning right back at them, which kills both Voltress and Ocron. The White Witch pulls her wand out and turns Jedi Guardian #3 and Kree Soldier #1 into stone. Darth Rave along with his apprentice, Darth Techno, then dodges the White Witch’s magic, and together they slice her into multiple pieces with their four lightsabers. Eradicator flies in extremely fast and rips Sub-Zero’s head and spine out of his body as Ursa tears Baby Nightcrawler in half before he can teleports away. Splinter finally comes out of his meditation and looks over the battlefield. He sees that though his team out-numbers the Annihilation Squad, they are extremely out-matched. Splinter turns to Nightcrawler and Nocturne and reluctantly orders a retreat. The two mutants teleport their teams out of the fight, which saves Omega Red and Darth Rave from their final deaths.

XAVIER’S ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTORIOUS!

Better Than All of You Vs. Le' Napoleon Brigade

Better Than All of You is Gandalf the White, Grey Hulk, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazy P. Martini, Green Lantern, Thanos, Mephisto, Snake Eyes, Doc Holiday, Lex Luthor, Ghost Rider, & David Dunn.

Le’ Napoleon Brigade is Obi Wan Kenobi, Even Piell & Jedi Master #31 in a Snow Speeder, Gandalf the Gray, Wonder Woman, Alan Scott, Amazon (Princess Ororo), Power Girl, Coleman Trebor, Jedi Master #32 & 33, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Arwen Evenstar, & Pterri.


As the 2 teams are teleported to the ice world of Hoth, Gandalf the Gray gets the attention of Wonder Woman and says “remember Diana, I know that you feel you have a lot to prove after what happened last year against this team, but we shouldn’t act on those emotions”. Wonder Woman replies with “Listen Gandalf, do you have any idea, how much crap I have gotten over the last year, just from retreating from a match that I knew we couldn’t compete in. It took me almost an hour to convince Coach Bonaparte that I should even get the start this week. So thanks for the help Gandalf, I know you are trying to help, but I plan on going into this match and ripping this entire team apart by myself. If the rest of you want to come along, then that’s fine”. Power Girl walks up to where this private conversation takes place and says: “What’s up Gandalf? What are you doing, trying to talk Wonder Woman out of retreating again”? A fired up Wonder Woman looks at Power Girl and says “Listen up Power Girl, you weren’t even there last year, so don’t pretend like you know what you’re talking about. I saved a lot of lives that day, which is the opposite of what I’m going to do today. So don’t make me start with you”. “Alright, alright. We have a battle to fight, so lets stay focused” Aragorn says to quell the tension. On the other side of the battlefield, a similar situation is taking place. Green Lantern turns to Gandalf the White and says “you don’t think there is any chance, that they are going to retreat again, do you”? “I doubt it” Gandalf replies. “I know about what happened last year, but the brigade went on to the Universe Bowl after that, so I don’t think they have done much retreating since then AHHHHHHHHHH”. Oderus Urungus states as plainly as he can. Mephisto then says “besides, we all heard what they did to The Murderflies this year, after that monstrous display I don’t know how anyone can have anything but respect for this team”. Lex Luthor calls his troops to order as he sees the Brigade approaching: “Whatever you all think doesn’t matter. We’ll find out what they have in store for us soon enough, because here they come. Aragorn leads the ground assault with the team’s fliers flanking them from above. The 2 Gandalfs square off with each other almost instantly. Gandalf the Gray at first believes that he is about to fight Sarumon, but soon finds out that despite this person being the wielder of the white magic, it is in fact a different version of himself that he is fighting. Lex Luthor takes to the air in his heavily armored suit and begins shooting at the Even Piell flown Snow Speeder. Piell evades the larger blasts but is hit by some of Luthor’s fire. Piell’s gunner Jedi Master #31 attempts to target Luthor but is unable to. Luthor then hits the Speeder with a blast that causes a malfunction in the small ship. Jedi Master #31 tries to use the weaponry but the gun blows up in his face (I hear they have a tendency to do that). Even Piell crash lands the Snow Speeder and than hops out with his lightsaber ignited. Luthor makes a pass over Piell’s head to attempt a strafing run but Master Piell force leaps into the air and slices Lex Luthor in half. The little Lannik warrior lands on the ground when Johnny Blaze, the Ghost Rider comes racing in towards him. Ghost Rider tries to take the Jedi Master off guard but Piell is just to fast. Even Piell makes a quick parry and swings his lightsaber at Ghost Rider. The flaming motorcycle continues to blaze thru the snowy landscape past the Jedi even though Ghost Rider no longer has a head. Oderus Urungus grabs his giant mystical lag bolt, or whatever that thing is he used to carry around the comic con and leads Gwar into battle. They grab Pterri out of the air and rip him apart. They then pass the little pterodactyl around, taking turns taking bites out of his body. Wonder Woman wastes no time as she rushes in like a woman possessed. She instantly rips in half both Slymenstra Hymen and the Sexecutioner, before she kicks Sleazy P. Martini’s head off. The great Amazon warrior is energized by her anger, both from the verbal abuse she has taken over her retreat last year, and from the loss of Wonder Girl which is still so fresh in her mind. With a massive punch, she breaks off Balsac’s jaw of death, and then flattens Flattus Maximus. She is about to finish off the rest of Gwar when she sees that several of her teammates are in trouble. Mephisto is battling with Amazon, but the Amalgam universe heroine is not fairing to well against the demon. Amazon attempt to conjure up some massive winds to bring the snow against Mephisto, but Mephisto pushes thru it and then uses his raw physical strength to rip Amazon apart, bringing a huge smile to his face. Gandalf the White and Gandalf the Gray’s battle is obviously closely matched, but in the end Gandalf the White uses his superior powers and better understanding of the situation (having lived thru the change) to destroy his former self. While the 2 Gandalfs were fighting on the ground the 2 Green Lanterns were busy fighting each other in the air. The golden age and silver age lanterns shoot at each other with similar (but not exactly the same) blasts of green energy. Hal Jordan then proves that you don’t have to be the original to be the best as he shoots a saw blade of green energy at Alan Scott that cuts thru his head. Wonder Woman rushes in to help Power Girl in her battle with Thanos. Thanos blasts cosmic energy at the 2 feuding femmes to keep them at bay, but even in his arrogance, he secretly knows that he is somewhat outmatched by the double team. Thanos perches himself atop a large ice drift when Jedi Master Coleman Trebor sees an opening to take him out. In a daring move, Trebor ignites his lightsaber and jumps onto the elevated ice berg. Thanos is caught off guard, but before Master Trebor can attack, Doc Holiday pops out from behind Thanos and shoots Coleman Trebor so fast that the Jedi is unable to block the bullets. Thanos personally thanks Holiday and then takes to the air. At first he is unable to see where his opponents have flown off to, but they then come flying in toward him from opposite directions. Both Wonder Woman and Power Girl fly in as fast as they can toward Thanos. Despite Thanos’ incredible durability the 2 women use their strength and momentum to overpower it. Wonder Woman grabs a hold of Thanos’ head while Power Girl bear hugs his body as they fly by from opposite directions, resulting in the rough decapitation of The Mad Titan. Obi Wan leads Jedi Masters #32 & 33 against Grey Hulk. The rampaging Hulk jumps into action and crashes into the ground creating a small shockwave. Hulk smashes Tim (Jedi Master #32) into mush while Jedi Master #33 unsuccessfully attempts a force push towards the Hulk. Jedi Master #33 swings his lightsaber, grazing the Hulk but it just works to get him even madder. Hulk then grabs the Jedi by the head and squeezes it until it explodes. Obi Wan dodges the Hulk’s attacks and lands a few good hits with his lightsaber but he finds that although the saber damages the Hulk, he can’t seem to put it deep enough to do any permanent damage, due to the fact that the saber wants to get stuck in the Hulk’s hardened and leathery skin whenever he lands a hit (and the last thing Master Kenobi wants is to be stuck in close quarters with the Hulk, sans lightsaber). Hulk kicks up some snow with so much force that it knocks Kenobi to the ground. Hulk walks toward Kenobi to finish him off, but Obi Wan focuses his force powers on the 2 lightsabers of his fallen Jedi comrades. With as much force power as he can conjure, Kenobi uses the force to ignite the 2 lightsabers and stick them into the back of Hulk. Hulk lets out a scream from this attack which gives Obi Wan just enough time to jump up out of the snow and use his own lightsaber to cut off Hulk’s head. Arwen slices off the head of Jizmack da Gusha on her way to aid Aragorn against Snake Eyes. Snake Eyes’ ninja sword clashes with the 2 Middle Earth lovebirds, but he does not like the odds now that he is outnumbered. Snake Eyes ducks out of the way of Aragorn’s sword and sticks his into the chest of Arwen to even the odds. An enraged Aragorn rushes at Snake Eyes with Isilidor’s sword in one hand and his Elven knife in the other. Strider uses the sword that was broken and then forged again to knock Snake Eyes’ ninja sword out of his hand and then slits the throat of the G.I. Joe with his Elven Blade. Power Girl flies in to attack Mephisto while Wonder Woman lands to battle with David Dunn. Despite their exhaustion on both sides and Aragorn’s initial unwillingness to do so Aragorn, Obi Wan, & Even Piell all rush in to attack Gandalf the White. Wonder Woman and David Dunn begin pounding on one another with Wonder Woman landing more hits. Despite Wonder Woman’s superior Amazon fighting abilities she is still unable to do any real damage to David Dunn. As their fight continues, they tumble onto the ground causing their body heat to melt the ice around them. David Dunn continues to take the beating being dished out to him by Wonder Woman until she notices how much he is ill-affected by the small puddles being formed around them. As the ice cracks underneath them Wonder Woman sticks Dunn’s head into the freezing cold water drowning him and revealing his weakness. As Wonder Women gets up she can not help but notice how much David Dunn has reminded her of one of her favorite teammates which prompts her to say to David Dunn’s dead body: “Damn, you take a beating as well as John Mclaine”. Power Girl flies in toward Mephisto and attempts to blast him with her heat vision. Mephisto simply shrugs off this attack and then conjures an amazing amount of evil energy to reign hellfire down on Power Girl and completely vaporize her. Wonder Woman sees this and rushes in, still determined to even the score with Better Than All of You. She wraps the Lasso of Truth around the neck of Mephisto, but Mephisto grabs a hold of it and pulls her in closer. Mephisto then uses his immense strength and magical powers to actually rip the lasso and free himself. Mephisto then swings at Wonder Woman but she ducks out of the way and comes up with an uppercut to knock him to the ground. From the ground Mephisto says to her “this may be my last match, would you like me to say anything to Wonder Girl”? Wonder Woman yells: “Death, you shall have Mephisto, but you aren’t going to the same place as Wonder Girl”. After this comment Wonder Woman jumps into the air and pulls out her Hephaestus forged sword, driving it into the head of Mephisto. Gandalf the White initially holds steady against Aragorn and the 2 Jedi; but eventually, despite his immense power, he is overcome by the combined force of Kenobi, Piell, & Aragorn. Green Lantern flies down to aid his team, but once he sees that only Doc Holiday and 2 Gwar members remain he orders the retreat.
LE’ NAPOLEON BRIGADE IS VICTORIOUS!

The Untouchables vs. George Washington's Slaves

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 9 Match: The Untouchables vs. George Washington's Slaves.

I look in the locker room of The Untouchables. The Untouchables are Onslaught, Deadpool, Megatron, Sinestro (green ring), Tomar Tu, The Constructicons, She-Ra with Swiftwind, Madam Razz with Broom, She-Hulk, Captain Cold and Xio Jade.

Megatron: We need to hand the Slaves another loss. It will knock them off their self-righteous perch and allow us to climb in the standings and one step closer to the playoffs!

Xio Jade: I serve at the will of the Untouchables’ owner. I will not disappoint during the final weeks of our league’s second year.

Madam Razz: I just want to make a little nice with Santa!

I look into the locker room of George Washington’s Slaves. The Slaves are Wedge Antilles and Admiral Ackbar in a Snow Speeder, Agen Kolar, Ben Skywalker, Cade Skywalker, Santa Claus and Corbin Dallas with Rudolf, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, Ki Adi Mundi, Yoda with Kybuck, Neo, Shaak Ti, Sifo Dyas and Jedi Master #1.

Yoda: Today are we assured of another victory if together we work!

Dallas: Nothing is going to stand in the way of Santa and me kicking some Untouchable butt!!!

I transport the teams to the icy battlefield of Hoth. . .

Santa Claus and Corbin Dallas ride on Santa’s sleigh, carried in the air by Rudolf, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. Madam Razz sees the two in their sleigh and pulls up alongside on her broom.

Claus: Look at that piece of a@@ Corbin!

Dallas: You’re a happily married man Santa. Don’t even think about it!

Claus: Remember what mama says: Look, but don’t touch.

Dallas: Remember what Dallas says: Avoid the temptation.

With that comment, Dallas pulls a gun on Razz. Razz reacts just in time and places a spell on the weapon before it is fired. Instead of a bullet being fired from the gun, a bouquet of flowers pops out of the barrel.

Razz (taking the flowers): Why thank you young man!

Razz flies away and Dallas is left fuming. Dallas and Claus focus on another target. They fly the sleigh down toward She-Ra riding Swiftwind. She-Ra sees the sleigh storming at her and fails to react in time. Although she draws her sword, Santa uses his sleigh’s skis to slice She-Ra’s sword arm off. Santa comes around again and although She-Ra avoids the skis, she cannot avoid the reindeers’ hooves as they trample her head and crush her skull. She-Ra’s dead body falls off the horse. Dallas jumps off the sled and onto Swiftwind. He rides Swiftwind right into Yoda and his Kybuck. Yoda, holding on the Kybuck with one arm, uses his other arm to slice Swiftwind’s stomach. The horse’s intestines fall out and Swiftwind dies. Dallas manages to escape any injury as the horse dies.

Onslaught looks to the sky and sees Santa’s sleigh. He uses his powers of magnetism to crumple the sleigh together like a tin can. Santa is trapped in the sleigh and is crushed inside the vehicle. As the sleigh plummets to the tundra below, Megatron and the Constructicons (as Devastator) take pot shots at the reindeer. Rudolf, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen are blasted to bits by the Transformers.

Madam Razz flies by the Snow Speeder which holds Wedge Antilles and Admiral Ackbar. The Star Wars duo decides that due to the “temptation” caused by Razz aimed at their beloved Santa, they are going to get back at her. Thus, they fly at Razz. As they chase the witch on her broom, they are followed by flying lanterns, Tomar Tu and Sinestro.

Antilles: She’s going to be in my sights in a minute.

Tomar Tu and Sinestro begin to use their rings. They create projectiles which pummel the Speeder.

Antilles: We’re taking some hits!

Ackbar: Stay on target!

Sinestro strikes the strut of the Snow Speeder, causing the vehicle to shake.

Antilles: We can’t take another hit like that!

Ackbar: Stay on target!

Tomar Tu and Sinestro combine their ring powers and smash the right wing, causing the Speeder to rock violently.

Antilles: We need to pull away!

Ackbar: Stay on target!

Tomar Tu and Sinestro combine their ring powers again to smash the left wing.

Antilles: We’re going to crash!

Ackbar: Stay on target!

Antilles manages to fire his proton torpedoes. They torpedoes find their mark and disintegrate Madam Razz on her broom. As Antilles and Ackbar celebrate their victory over the witch, their Speeder explodes into a ball of fire. The lanterns fly away toward another skirmish.

Corbin Dallas is walking on the snowy ground and meets Deadpool. The two draw their weapons and repeatedly fire at one another. Each mercenary jumps behind a giant snowdrift. The two stick their heads and guns out, sporadically firing at their enemy. Deadpool decides that enough time has been wasted already, and uses his skills to fire through the snowdrift that Dallas is hiding behind. The bullet smashes through Dallas’ skull. Dallas crumples to the floor, blood pumping out of his skull.

Xio Jade meets Jedi Master #1. The two battle and their lightsabers spark off one another. Jade eventually uses her dark abilities and fighting skills to best Jedi Master #1. As Jedi Master #1 dies, Jade is confronted by Agen Kolar, Ben Skywalker, Cade Skywalker, Ki Adi Mundi, Shaak Ti and Sifo Dyas. Jade cannot take on all of the Jedi at one time. The Jedi come together and with their combined force abilities and training, kill Jade. She-Hulk and Captain Cold come to the scene. Captain Cold uses his cold blasters to freeze the legs of Ben Skywalker. She-Hulk then pounds on the young Jedi until he dies. Captain Cold then fires at Cade Skywalker, but is not so lucky as Cade uses his mastery of both the light and dark sides of the force to deflect the blast back at Cold. Captain Cold is nearly frozen when Ki Adi Mundi puts him out of his misery and slices him in half. She-Hulk manages to avoid the saber of Sifo Dyas and kills him. She-Hulk then falls victim to the combined Jedi: Cade Skywalker, Ki Adi Mundi, Agen Kolar and Shaak Ti.

Neo sees Deadpool walking away from his fresh Dallas kill. Neo uses his Matrix abilities to escape the barrage of fire from Deadpool’s guns and kills the marksman. Megatron comes to the scene in robot mode and blows Neo away. Megatron is then joined by Devastator (Constructicons’ gestalt) and both focus on the Jedi across the battlefield.

Yoda joins his other Jedi brethren. Together they sense the battle nearing an end. They come together in an attack-circle formation, ready to face their enemy. Yoda sends his Kybuck away. The beast does not make it far as Megatron fires at the steed and blows the beast to pieces.

Devastator and Megatron are joined by Onslaught, Sinestro and Tomar Tu. They face the Jedi: Agen Kolar, Cade Skywalker, Ki Adi Mundi, Yoda and Shaak Ti. The Jedi focus their abilities on the lanterns Sinestro and Tomar Tu. The lanterns use their rings to throw a barrage of ring projectiles at the Jedi. The Jedi manage to deflect a majority of them back at the lanterns and at the Transformers. Sinestro and Tomar Tu fall to their own powers, injured, but not dead. Yoda spectacularly spins and twirls in the air and in an acrobatic instant kills Tomar Tu. Before Yoda can kill Sinestro, Sinestro escapes behind Devastator. Devastator and Megatron focus their weaponry on Yoda, but Yoda manages to avoid the fire and reaches his teammates.


The Jedi, all of their lightsabers ignited, face the Untouchables, ready for the final onslaught. Speaking of Onslaught, the mutant uses his abilities to rip all of the Jedi’s lightsabers away from their hands. Megatron and Devastator unleash their weaponry on the Jedi. Shaak Ti and Agen Kolar are killed.

Yoda (looking at his remaining Jedi teammates): Know we must when to retreat. Fight another day, we shall.

Cade Skywalker: We can do this Master Yoda!

Yoda: But at what cost, young Skywalker? At what cost?

Skywalker grudgingly shrugs. The remaining Slaves: Yoda, Cade Skywalker and Ki Adi Mundi, retreat.

Slaves: Yoda, Cade Skywalker and Ki Adi Mundi alive.

Untouchables: Onslaught, Megatron, Sinestro (green ring) and Constructicons alive.

THE UNTOUCHABLES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs. Alice's Wonder Team

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 9 Match: Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs. Alice's Wonder Team.

I look into the locker room of The Kennelz and see Mace Windu, Jade, Green Lanterns #1, 2, 4 and 5, Dexter the Dog, Justin Oblak, Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano, The Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Triton and Karnak, Brandon Inge and Dark Jedi Masters #31-33.

Mace Windu: We need this win. Let the Force guide us to victory!

Anakin Skywalker: I concur Master Windu.

Dexter the Dog barks an encouraging wuff.

I then look into the locker room of Alice's Wonder Team. I see Vampires #1-19.

Vampire #4: Is our owner really serious?!?

Vampire #11: He sure is! We did okay the last time out!

Vampire #7: We can do it again!

I transport the teams to the icy wastelands of Hoth. . .

Ahsoka Tano: Is the Wonder Team’s owner serious?!?!

Across the battlefield, Vampire #4 can be heard: Hey, I said that too.

Skywalker: I heard about throwing a match for draft position, but this is ridiculous!

Windu: Ridiculous or not, we still have to win.

Windu ignites his lightsaber and leads the Kennelz squad into battle. The Star Wars entourage creates a triangular formation. Windu is the tip, followed by Skywalker and Tano, followed by Dark Jedi Masters #31-33. Windu meets the first of the Vampires and decapitates Vampires #3 and 12. Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano follow Windu and destroy Vampires #1, 10, 14 and 18. In the rear, Dark Jedi Masters #31-33 kill Vampires # 2, 5, 8, 11 and 19.

Immediately after the Jedi rip through the vampires, Green Lanterns #1, 2, 4 and 4 use their rings to lift Vampires # 4, 9 and 13 into the air. The Lanterns drop them in the midst of Justin Oblak, Dexter the Dog and Brandon Inge. Inge breaks his bat in two over his knee and throw Oblak one half of the Louisville Slugger. Oblak and Inge use the sharpened ends to pierce the hearts and destroy Vampires #4 and 9. Dexter the Dog rips the head off of Vampire # 13.
Jade joins with the Inhumans in the Kennelz last skirmish with the Vampires. Jade and Karnak use their combined fighting abilities to destroy Vampire # 6. Triton skewers Vampire #7 and Medusa uses her hair to rip off the head of Vampire # 15. Black Bolt then unleashes his voice which shreds apart Vampires # 16 and 17.

Wonder Team: All dead.

Kennelz: All survive.

MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE IS VICTORIOUS!!!

Horsemen of Apokolips vs The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 9 Match: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

I look into the locker room of The Horsemen of Apokolips. The Horsemen are Darkseid, Supergirl, Superboy Prime, Luke Skywalker Grand Jedi Master, Sinestro, Madeline Pryor, Emma Frost, Phoenix (Rachel Summers), Bellatrix Lestrange, Parasite and Larry Reamer.

Bellatrix: I cannot wait to use Avada Kedavra! It has been awhile since I have last spoken those words. . .

Darkseid: Your killing curse will assist us in our victory, but it is the raw power of this team that will crush all those who stand in our way!

Reamer (looking at Emma Frost): If you play your cards right and we win this match Emma, I’ll show you my raw power!

Sinestro: Remember what our owner said! No retreat! This is a death match!

I then look into the locker room of the Brotherhood of Evil Midgets. The Midgets are Magneto, Count Dooku, Darth Yardigan, Asajj Ventress, Omega Supreme, X-23, Superboy, Wonder Man, Rogue, Nightwing in the (Modern Age) Batmobile, Wicket W. Warrick, Ewok #41 and Bill Kelly.

Magneto: We face a formidable team, but a team that we are able to beat!

Bill Kelly: With my skills I will beat them all off!!!!

Dooku: Remember. Our master does not tolerate a “retreat” by any member of his squad!

I transport the teams to the icy wastelands of the planet Hoth. . .

Parasite tunnels through the frozen tundra. Parasite springs from the frosty ground right next to Bill Kelly. Parasite touches Kelly and realizes that he has no super powers to absorb. Parasite throws Kelly across the ground in frustration. Kelly is shaken, but unharmed. Parasite sees Superboy across the battleground and burrows again. He rises from the snowy ground and realizes that he has mistakenly calculated where the Kryptonian actually is. Instead of rising next to Superboy, he rises next to Omega Supreme. Omega sees Parasite, who is unable to absorb any energy or super powers from the Transformer. Omega unloads all of his weapons into Parasite and kills him.

Wicket W. Warrick and Ewok #41 rush at who they believe is the easiest prey on the Horsemen – Larry Reamer. They surround Reamer and begin to jab at him with their spears. Ewok #41 manages to graze Reamer’s knee. Reamer reaches into his tool belt and pulls out a hatchet and claw hammer. With the skills of an experienced roofer, he throws his weapons at the Ewoks. Although both Ewok #41 and Wicket are struck by the tools, they are only injured. Sensing that Reamer cannot pull his nail gun out in time to kill them both, the Ewoks charge. Madeline Pryor and Rachel Summers spring into action. Pryor uses her psionic energy to crush Ewok #41. Summers uses her phoenix force to destroy Wicket.

Reamer: Thanks for the assistance ladies. Maybe I could help the both of you later.

Pryor: In your dreams Reamer.

Bellatrix Lestrange sees Bill Kelly walking on the battlefield.

Lestrange: Perfect! Avada Kedavra!

Lestrange unleashes the killing curse at an unsuspecting Kelly. As the curse is about to strike Kelly, Nightwing drives up in the Batmobile. The Batmobile deflects the spell. The female Death Eater is infuriated and screams the spell at the two men. The two men jump behind the Batmobile and the spell dissipates again. Lestrange runs at the men, knowing that she will be able to take one of them out before the battle is done. She does not see Magneto who is watching the entire event transpire. Magneto uses his powers to raise the Batmobile and then have it then fall on Lestrange. Lestrange is crushed by the vehicle.

Grayson: Thanks Mags!

Magneto (magnetically tinkering with the vehicle in order to fix any defects caused by Lestrange’s crushing): Anytime young Grayson and Kelly.

Grayson and Kelly jump into the Batmobile and ride at Luke Skywalker. Grayson pulls no stops as he unleashes his weapons at the Grand Jedi Master. As the Batmobile is about to plow Skywalker down, the Jedi, at the last instant, jumps away and uses his lightsaber to slice the left front and back wheels. The Batmobile careens out of control and Grayson and Kelly are thrown from the vehicle. The Batmobile crashes and goes up in flames. Grayson and Kelly face Skywalker.

Skywalker: Retreat and you will survive today.

Grayson: Not an option friend!

Skywalker: Very well. I promise to make this painless on you both.

As Skywalker approaches the two, he is met by Count Dooku, Darth Yardigan and Asajj Ventress who have rushed to the scene.

Skywalker: You should have stayed on your team of origin Yardigan.
Yardigan: I’m sure you’ve heard Skywalker, the mighty Beckerman team has fallen without me. Look at the standings yourself. 4-4. A disgrace!

Skywalker: Your pomposity never ceases to amaze me.

Yardigan rushes at Skywalker. Skywalker avoids the Sith’s lightsaber and slices him in half.

Skywalker (looking at the halved Yardigan): And neither does your lack of skill Yardigan.

Dooku and Ventress both attack Skywalker at the same time. Skywalker manages to block and parry the blows of the Sith Lord and his apprentice. As Dooku comes in for a death blow, Skywalker dodges and decapitates Dooku. While Skywalker is focused on Dooku for a second, Ventress manages to slice Luke’s mechanical hand off. Luke switches his lightsaber to his other hand and finishes Ventress off. The Grand Jedi Master is still more than enough for a mere Sith acolyte. Wounded, but not bleeding, Skywalker walks to the other combatants and is met by Superboy. Superboy uses his strength to strike Luke. Luke is propelled by the force into the sky; he also loses his lightsaber in the process. As Skywalker sails away, he uses the force to reach out to his lightsaber. The lightsaber flies to Skywalker, but Skywalker is like a clay pigeon in the air. His lightsaber reaches him too late as Omega Supreme blasts him in the sky. As Skywalker reaches the ground, X-23 uses her claws to slice Skywalker apart. The Grand Jedi Master dies.

As Superboy is flying, he is met by Supergirl, Superboy Prime and Sinestro. Outmatched, Superboy is thinking of what to do when he is luckily joined by his teammates, Wonder Man and Rogue. Superboy fights Superboy Prime. The two are evenly matched and one Kryptonian does not get the better of the other. It is not until Supergirl enters the fray when Superboy loses ground and is pummeled by the two. Superboy Prime and Supergirl manage to kill Superboy. Rogue flies to Supergirl and holds her in a vice-like grip. Rogue manages to touch Supergirl on the skin and absorbs her powers. Supergirl, at the contact, falls to the ground in a daze. Bill Kelly walks over to Supergirl. He admires how beautiful she is and thinks that it is a shame he must kill her. Before he takes his nail gun out, X-23 jumps in front of Kelly and takes advantage of the weakened Supergirl. X-23 finishes Supergirl off.

Sinestro sees Wonder Man and uses his ring to form a huge projected fist. The fist comes at Wonder Man, full force.

Wonder Man: Not the face!

Too late - as the fist smashes Wonder Man. Wonder Man hits the snowy ground and slowly gets up. He is met by Darkseid who uses the Omega Force and his psionic powers to kill Wonder Man. Sinestro smiles at the demise of Wonder Man when he feels a force tug on his ring finger. Sinestro whirls to the ground, carried by his ring. It is Magneto, using his powers to capture the ring and force Sinestro down. As Sinestro crashes to the ground, the ring is ripped off his finger. Sinestro screams at the agony of losing his finger and the humiliation of losing his ring. His screaming is short lived as Omega Supreme blasts and kills him.

Meanwhile Nightwing meets Emma Frost. He fires one of his bat-weapons at her. She transforms her body into its diamond form. The bat-weapon is deflected back at Nightwing, who is injured. As Emma Frost walks up to Nightwing, she is joined by Larry Reamer.

Reamer: I guess the commercials are true. A diamond is a girl’s best friend.

Frost: Give it a rest.

Frost, still in diamond form, uses her hand to pierces through Nightwing’s heart; he is instantly killed. Emma Frost morphs out of her diamond form, into flesh. This is a mistake as Magneto uses X-23’s adamantium laced skeleton to his advantage and “throws” X-23 (using her metal-covered skeleton as a means) at Frost. X-23 mortally wounds Frost and she dies. X-23 approaches Reamer when she in confronted by Madeline Pryor and Rachel Summers. Although X-23 has the regenerative healing factor, the Goblin Queen and Phoenix are too much for her and she succumbs to their combined abilities.

Reamer: Thanks again ladies.

Pryor: Don’t mention it.

Summers: Let’s finish this!

Rogue, with the abilities of Supergirl, confronts both Pryor and Summers. She is nearly impervious to the psionic and phoenix blasts of the women and manages to kill Pryor. Superboy Prime comes to the scene. Since Rogue was only able to hold Supergirl for a short period of time, her Supergirl powers lapse and it is now Rogue against Superboy Prime. Superboy Prime does not allow Rogue to touch him before he kills her.

Omega Supreme comes to the scene and uses all of his weapons against Phoenix. He manages to destroy Summers. Nonetheless, he succumbs to the brute force and powers of Superboy Prime. As in a match before, Magneto uses the pieces of Omega Supreme as a cornucopia of mechanized weaponry. Magneto sends the pieces of Omega at the Horsemen. The Transformer pieces shred Superboy Prime and Darkseid, mortally wounding each. Although at death’s door, Darkseid does not meet his doom before using his final psionic blast to kill Magneto.

Bill Kelly and Larry Reamer are the last men standing on the Hoth battlefield.

Reamer: I’ve been waiting for this Kelly.

Kelly: Actions are louder than words Reamer!

Kelly throws a hatchet which lops off Reamer’s right hand. Reamer screams in pain and shrugs it off.

Reamer: Just a flesh wound!

Reamer responds by throwing a claw hammer, which rips into Kelly’s left shoulder. Kelly’s arm is hanging by a mere sinewy muscle. He screams and shrugs off the pain.

Kelly: Still have my right one!

Kelly, with his right hand, fires his nail gun repeatedly. The nails rip into both of Reamer’s legs. Reamer falls to the ground.

Reamer: Still have my torso and left hand!

Reamer, with his left hand, throws a hatchet, which manages to strike Kelly’s right arm, causing it to go limp. Reamer, miraculously, then takes a roofer’s crowbar out of his tool belt and chucks it at Kelly’s legs, crushing both kneecaps. Kelly falls to the ground, screams and lures himself out of the haze that is overtaking him.

Kelly and Reamer (in unison): I’m going to kill you!!!!

The two men roll on their torsos at one another. As they meet, Kelly manages to use his teeth to rip off Reamer’s left ear. Reamer though, uses his mouth to latch onto Kelly’s neck and rips into his flesh. He severs the carotid artery. Kelly bleeds out and dies.

Horsemen: Larry Reamer alive.

Midgets: All dead.

THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!!

Week Eight Standings

Week 9: Retreat Week

Setting: Hoth
Points: 400
Prize: An Ornithopter

-The Syracuse Valley Vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad
-Built Ford Tough Vs. The Abomitrons
-Better Than All of You Vs. Le' Napoleon Brigade
-The Untouchables Vs. George Washington's Slaves
-Beckerman's Backyardigans: Beeyatches Vs. TEAM
-Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. The Right Wing
-The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets
-Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies
-Alice's Wonder Team Vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

The Untouchables Vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

The Untouchables are Megatron, Deadpool, Broadside, Horatio Caine, Aphrodite, Merlin, Dr. Light, Ursula, She-Ra, Swift Wind, Madam Razz, Broom, Navy Seal Chief Petty Officer #11 & 12, Navy Seal #33-37, Captain Cold, Onslaught, Sinestro (w/ green ring), Tomar Tu, Beast Man, Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, & Karate Kid.

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are Fin Fang Foom, Black Bolt, Karnak, Crystal, Triton, Jade, Green Lantern #1-2 & 4-5, Beast Boy, Navy Seal Chief Petty Officer #14, Navy Seal #45-50, The Wonder Twins, The Predicons, Galactus & Nova, The Matrix Twins, Jack Bauer & Curtis Manning in a Swift Boat.


The entire Untouchables team begins the match on top of Broadside in his aircraft carrier mode. Deadpool screams at the top of his lungs to rally his troops: “Alright everybody, listen up! This one is for Bea Arthur! We can give nothing but our best to honor the life and career of not only the greatest actress to ever grace television or the silver screen, but also the most beautiful woman in human history. Yes that includes mutants as well. No offense to Syrin, whatever team she is on. So anyway, give em hell Untouchables” (Deadpool pulls out his ninja sword) “I declare this sword in the servitude of Queen Arthur”! Horatio Caine then puts on the sunglasses of justice and says: “I think… This girl just gave us a golden opportunity” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). Deadpool responds with: “Am I crazy or is The Who playing in the background”. “How about yes and yes” replies She-Ra. As The Untouchables rally around their new found victory incentive, they take a defensive posture, knowing that the Kennelz will be hard pressed to take out the now heavily fortified Broadside. Fin Fang Foom & The Predicons pop out of the water as the first wave of the Kennelz offensive. Jade, the green lanterns, Galactus, & Nova hang back in the air about 100 meters above the water to see how this initial strike works while Jack Bauer has taken point in controlling the offensive from the swift boat below them that is being driven by his partner Curtis Manning. The Predicons merge to form Prediking but they are immediately pulled back apart by Onslaught, the only difference is that they do not separate back into 5 pieces but more like 105 pieces as Onslaught uses his magnetic powers to rip the gestalt apart. Deadpool turns to Megatron and says: “Don’t worry bud, I’m sure he couldn’t do that to you. And if he did, I’d light him up Caine style: Right Horatio”. Horatio Caine quickly pulls his sunglasses back off, just so he can put them back on and say: “What can I say about magnetic powers Wade. They sure are attractive” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). Galactus sees this massive display of power and decides that something must be done. His herald, Nova turns to her master and says: “Shall I destroy him Galactus”? “No, I think I shall” Galactus replies as he begins to fly over to meet Onslaught. Onslaught knows why Galactus is approaching before he is even within sight distance so he flies up to meet him. The 2 powerhouses engage in a battle that’s shock waves alone would be powerful enough to kill most super-powered beings. Onslaught breaks into the mind of Galactus and begins disrupting his omnipotent thought process in a way that no being Galactus has ever encountered has been able to do. Onslaught then simultaneously uses his magnetic powers to begin attacking the armor of the great devourer of worlds. Galactus gives out an immense squeal of pain, but he then goes off. Growing in size the last cosmic entity from the previous universe proves that there is only room for one unstoppable bad guy in the Marvel Universe as he focuses his cosmic energy not toward his opponent but instead sucks Onslaught in closer. Galactus then uses his powers to consume the mixed creation known as Onslaught. As Galactus finishes this exhausting battle he finds that the power he has consumed has left him as satisfied as if he had just consumed an entire planet. Dr. Light, Sinestro, Tomar Tu, Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, & Phantom Girl take flight from the deck of Broadside while Jade, The Green Lanterns, Black Bolt, & Nova take to the air as well. Sinestro begins battling with all 4 Green Lanterns while Tomar Tu takes on Jade. Black Bolt uses his super human powers to blast right thru Lightning Lad on his way to battle with Cosmic Boy, while Nova flies circles around a frustrated Dr. Light. Phantom Girl flies back toward the water to do battle with The Twins. The Twins and Phantom Girl try to hit each other but it is difficult as they are all intangible. Back and forth they swing at each other…………. God, what an annoying fight this is to write. A trio of people who can’t be touched trying to touch each other. I guess I’ll come back to this later. Sinestro is far superior to the 4 green lanterns he is battling with. Green Lantern #2, a 6’ 9’’ tall minotaur looking creature named Kalbo from a distant planet was actually trained by Sinestro and knows first hand how formidable a green lantern he is. Sinestro blows Green Lantern #4 away with ease and then flies around the other 3 as if he is toying with them. Tomar Tu and jade have trouble hitting each other with any attacks as they both zip thru the air. Tomar Tu misses jade with a green energy blast in the shape of a meteorite, but jade counters with a magical blast of green energy that takes out Tomar Tu for good. Sinestro is still having little difficulty keeping the 3 green lanterns at bay, but the scales become significantly tipped once Jade comes I to lend a hand. The 4 of them band together to attack Sinestro knowing that they may not be able to defeat him one on one but that there strength is in numbers. Sinestro manages to take out G.L #5 as well, but in the end the other lanterns are able to restrain and eventually kill the green lantern champion. Dr. Light finds out the hard way that his powers are simply not strong enough to damage Nova as she flies toward him breaking thru his attack and then thru his body. Fin Fang Foom attacks The Untouchables floating homestead in true awkward giant monster fashion. The huge alien monster slams his giant fists on to the deck of Broadside killing Swift Wind, Saturn Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Bouncing Boy, and all 3 parts of Triplicate Girl. Horatio Caine rallies his forces by putting his sunglasses on and saying: “monsters are like problems, you just can’t avoid the big ones” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). The Navy Seals open fire on the huge monster, who is now just pounding on Broadside and doing much damage to the Autobot. Merlin lends a little distance magic to the fight to help while Megatron shoots at the monster with his arm cannon. Megatron inflicts quite a bit of damage on the creature which causes him to realize that he needs just a little bit more power. Megatron yells to his top dawg Deadpool that they need to finish this problem off. Megatron transforms into his gun form and is caught by Deadpool. Deadpool holds the oversized gun and begins to take aim at Fin Fang Foom but before he can shoot Horatio Caine runs up to him and grabs Megatron out of his hands. Horatio hands Deadpool the sunglasses of justice and takes aim at Fin Fang Foom. Caine double taps the much oversized pistol and puts 2 intense laser blasts into the eyes of Fin Fang Foom to bring him down for good. Megatron transforms back into robot form and Horatio grabs his sunglasses off of Deadpool’s face. Deadpool screams “Bull’s-eye”! But Horatio puts his sunglasses back on and says “No Wade, more like Alien-eye”. (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). The Untouchables jump for joy as they witness the death of Fin Fang Foom, but they soon realize that the small victory did not come quick enough. Megatron tries to bark an order at Broadside when the team realizes that Broadside is already dead from the massive damage inflicted by Foom and that he is beginning to sink. Captain Cold freezes a good sized portion of the water to give the team a place to jump to while their Transformer ship sinks, which saves them all (Megatron takes flight because he is to big for the ice creation), but it is not quite as defensible a base as Broadside was. Black Bolt and Cosmic Boy have been battling for some time when Cosmic Boy uses his powers of magnetism to pick up a large chunk of what was once his teammate Broadside and uses it to skewer Black Bolt. Beast Man learns the name of Beast Boy and thinks to himself that he should easily win that fight just do to their names, but in this setting it is not as easy as he thinks. Beast Man pulls out his sword and jumps into the water after Beast Boy but Beast Boy turns into a large sword fish and runs the Eternian thru. Ursula has been laying low under the water for the entire match when she decides that it is time for her to make her appearance known. She begins battling with Triton deep below the surface in what makes for a very close match-up. Ursula uses both her magic and her tentacles to attack Triton but The Inhuman’s swimming abilities make him to fast to hit. Triton swims up behind Ursula and gets her in a strangle hold, he then uses his super-human strength to break the neck of the water witch. Jade leads the green lanterns in to attack Phantom Girl who is still involved in her pseudo fight with the twins. Jade uses her ring less green lantern powers to rematerialize Phantom Girl for a brief second while Kalbo and his beautiful Twileck counterpart Green Lantern #1 blast a huge amount of green energy her way. This works to destroy Phantom Girl but inadvertently destroys their teammates the twins as well. Jack and Curtis drive up to the ice and drop off their Navy Seals, but before they can drive away and regroup the rest of their forces Horatio Caine jumps into action. He runs up to Karate Kid and says “let’s go legionnaire; Hey, what’s your name again”? “Karate Kid sir” the Karate Kid responds. Horatio stops in mid-run and puts his sunglasses on. He then says “Ohhhh. Really, when I was your age they called me the karate Man” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). Horatio and The Karate Kid jump on to the Swift Boat as it drives away. The Kennelz Navy Seals jump on to the ice and instantly take out their target Captain Cold (modern day pirate style). The Navy Seals have to give up a lot of potential safe cover as they complete their mission, which allows The Untouchables Navy Seals, who outnumber them as it is to take them all out with a little help from Merlin. Only Navy Seal #35 dies from the return fire. Karnak sneaks up on to the ice next and stealthily takes out Navy Seal #36, but Deadpool notices him and attacks. Karnack and Deadpool engage in a fierce hand to hand battle, but Deadpool seems to gain the upper hand as the merc with a mouth yells “For Maude”! While he is sticking his sword into the neck of Karnack. Crystal uses her powers of air and water manipulation to quickly melt the ice which is keeping a good amount of The Untouchables out of the water. Zan & Jayna touch to activate their Wonder Twin powers. Zan takes the form of a whirlpool that easily sucks in Merlin and drowns him while Jayna turns into a shark along with Beast Boy who does the same. After this double transformation the 2 sharks easily consume the rest of the floating Navy Seals including their 2 Non-Commissioned Officers. Cosmic Boy flies low, just barely above the water, but Triton jumps out of the water and brings Cosmic Boy back down with him. Once underwater Cosmic Boy does not stand a chance against Triton who easily overpowers him. Triton is about to attack Deadpool in an attempt to avenge his cousin when he is suddenly drawn in by the powers of Aphrodite. The goddess of love takes control of his mind to the point that all he can think about is her perfect body and beautiful persona. Once Triton comes in close to gain his prize Aphrodite turns on him and uses her Mount Olympian strength to break not only his heart but also his head. Crystal sees what is going on and knows that she needs to stop the goddess before she destroys every man on the Kennelz. Crystal’s numerous powers have gotten her mistaken for a god in the past so she has little fear as she rushes this true god, knowing that she gets to face her in a setting that is much more suitable to her than it is to Aphrodite. Crystal then manipulates the water around them to such a degree that even Aphrodite with her godly abilities is unable to keep from being overtaken by the amazing power of water. Crystal wishes to stand tall after her victory, but she finds it difficult to stand as tall as she used to after She-Ra lops off her head. Galactus has grown tired of waiting for the fight to be over and has finally regained some of his lost strength from his brawl to settle it all with Onslaught. He and Nova fly back in toward the battle and they use their combined cosmic powers to destroy Megatron and She-Ra as if they were nothing more than the action figures on Ryan’s dresser. Galactus’ apathetic regard for any lesser beings causes him to not notice Zan who was sneaking up behind them in whirlpool form. Zan is also killed in the cosmic explosion. Deadpool jumps onto the back of Jayna (still in shark form) and sticks a grenade in the shark’s mouth. Jayna blows up, but before Deadpool can completely recover from the explosion and do the same to Beast Boy; Beast Boy bites his head clean off with his razor sharp teeth. The Karate Kid jumps at Jack Bauer, but Bauer has more martial arts skills and training than one may think. Jack jumps out of the way of Karate Kid’s karate kick and then brings his head down hard onto the side of the free-floating swift boat. Jack then pulls out his Sig-Saur P229 and blows off Karate Kid’s head. Jack radios back to his teammates to tell them to regroup, but he realizes that the radios are dead and that he is going to have to handle this problem by himself. Madam Razz and Broom have hung back this entire match so they could have their chance for revenge against Jack Bauer. They fly in as fast as they can, but Jack takes aim and blasts Madam Razz right between the eyes. Broom then tries to attack Jack on its own, but Jack dodges out of the way and then grabs Broom out of the air and then cracks it in half over his knee. Curtis and Horatio have both lost their weapons in their struggle with one another when Jack approaches and says “Curtis! Back off, let me give you a hand”. Curtis responds with “No Jack, this is personal. I’m gonna close this match up” “We never close” Horatio says as he kicks Curtis in the groin, then grabs his head and breaks his neck in one swift motion. Jack points his gun at Horatio and yells “Give it up Caine”! But Horatio pulls off his sunglasses and throws them at Jack’s hands, knocking the gun out of his hand and sending it in to the water. Horatio Caine then reaches into his pocket and pulls out another pair of sunglasses. He puts them on and says “If you want to make the grade, you gotta throw the shades” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). Jack then looks at Horatio and nods while he picks up both halves of Broom and tosses one to Horatio. The 2 of them then begin fighting with the 2 broom stick ends which ends up being one of the most epic melee battles in human history. I had no idea that either of these men were so skilled in half-broomstick fighting, but much like their television shows the skills of these 2 men never cease to amaze. As the 2 battle back and forth I think to myself that this makes the Yoda/Dooku fight from episode 2 look like 2 teenage jocks pushing each other at a high school party in hopes that their girlfriends will break them up. It makes Ali/Frasier look like me, Chris, & Ryan Burke dragging Jared up Nate’s stairway. It even makes the fight between Arnold and Bennet at the end of Commando look like a fat guy who is half stuck in his lawn chair at a back yard BBQ slowly reach over to smack an aging horse fly. It makes……. Well never mind, I think you get my drift. Horatio kicks Jack in the chest and sends him into the controls of the boat. Horatio then tries to come down hard on Jack’s head with his end of the broom but Jack gets out of the way just in time. Jack, who has now maneuvered himself behind Horatio, kicks him in the back of the knee which brings him down onto the ground of the floor board of the boat. Once exposed Jack takes the cracked end of his broom and jams it into the jugular vein of Horatio Caine. Jack Bauer then takes the sunglasses off of Horatio Caine and says “Say hello to Madam Razz for me”.
MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE ARE VICTORIOUS!

Match Confusion...

The complete match between Better Than All of You and Xavier's Annihilation Squad is now posted. I'm not sure what exactly happened there, but it's all fixed now.

Sorry,

Vice-Commissioner Ryan

Press Conference: Slaves and Commandos

It was announced last week that the match between "George Washington's Slaves" and "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both World's" Touring Battalion of Commandos was going to be a pink slip match. That means that each team has put a player on the line and whoever the victor may be will receive the player when the match concludes. There was a small press conference from earlier and we would like to bring a small summary from it. Enjoy.

The Slaves have put Fidel Castro on the line and the Commandos have put Saladin up on the block.

Saladin: It will be an honor for me to play on the same team as Mr. Castro. I have great respect for him as I appreciate what he did for Cuba in the late 1950's.

Fidel Castro: I too am very excited to see the outcome of this match, especially if I have the chance to play for another communist like they have leading the Commandos.

Saladin: What do you mean by that Fidel?

Fidel Castro: Mr. Obama, your head coach. I was just talking about how excited I would be to finally play for someone who's ideals are closer to my heart.

Saladin: President Obama isn't a communist Fidel.

Fidel Castro: Oh O.K, that's right. He's a "Democrat". Yeah, that's it.

Saladin: He believes in the same ideals as your head coach.

Fidel Castro: Oh come senor, you don't actually believe that do you? Mr. Obama and George Washington have the same ideals? Yeah, and me and JFK were mortal enemies. You go on believing whatever you want.

Saladin: Mr. Obama is a great man. Which is why you will be a Commando by nightfall. Prepare to become one of the good guys.

Fidel Castro: O.K. settle down. May the best man win I suppose. Not that it really matters, since neither of us are fighting anyway. Which is real democratic by the way. It sounds a little like "Taxation without representation" to me.

Saladin: That's it, I don't need to listen to this anymore.

Fidel Castro: The truth can be a fickle friend.

This went on for at least another hour and a half,(it might have gone on longer but I left due to it's incredibly boring nature). Either way you look at it though, whether they are "Slaves" or "Commandos", Mr. Castro and Saladin will be teammates from this point on. God save whoever they are next to in the locker room. Thanks for joining us and come back to Fantasy Fantasy Center for more updates. The match is posted below for those of you who are interested in finding out what team the quarrelsome twosome will be playing for.

Better Than All of You vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad

Better Than All of You is Aquaman, Aqualad, Aquababy, Abomination, N.S.-5 #1-22, Batman (Jean-Paul Valley), Batman Beyond, Gwar, Reptile, Ninja Pirate #3 & 4, Flash, Nick Fury, Cobra Commander, Lex Luthor, Predator #3, Army Soldier #1 & 2, Dozer #4 & 6.

Xavier's Annihilation Squad is The Kraken, Davy Jones & his crew, Barbarossa & his crew, The Eradicator, Ursa, Mary Embry, The Terricons, The Aerialbots, Darth Voltress, Darth Ocron, Black Tom Cassidy, Sailor Moon, Ninja Pirates #1 & 2, Reverse Flash, Silver Samurai, Pirate #11-15.

Normally the force of the Kraken, Davy Jones and the crew of the Flying Dutchmen and Barbarossa and the crew of the Black Pearl would be more than enough to garner a guarantee victory in the water for Xavier’s Annihilation Squad. But the is not a normal situation, for you see, Better Than All of You has Aquaman leading their ranks. He instantly uses his powers to take control of the Kraken, Davy Jones and the crew of the Flying Dutchmen. The Black Pearl finds themselves under attack by their own teammates. The skeleton pirates fight fiercely, but ultimately are on the losing end of this battle. They do however; manage to take out the crew of the Dutchman before the Black Pearl sinks to the bottom of the ocean floor. Davy Jones bests Barbarrossa in a graceful sword duel. Pirates #11-15 then climb aboard the now abandoned Flying Dutchman. Gwar quickly leaps onto the Dutchman as well and begin fighting the Pirates. The Kraken uses its massive size to tear apart the Flying Dutchman, killing all aboard. The Eradicator, Ursa, and Mary Embry are then forced to do something they wished they would have to do; they fly in and kill their teammate, the Kraken. This cripples the Annihilation Squad’s water stronghold. The Aerialbots and Terricons then both form Superion and Abominus. They instantly go after the large swarm of N.S. 5’s. With their combined firepower they blast all 22 of them out of the water. Darth Voltress and Darth Ocron flip and jump across the debris from the two destroyed ships and kill Army Soldiers #1 and 2 as well as Dozers #4 and 6. Aqualad then uses his powers to turn a large amount of water into a flurry of ice spears and launches them into the air, shredding the Terricons apart. The Aerialbots break apart from being Superion and rips through the air in their jet modes. They do strafing runs across the ocean surface, firing their guns into the water. They manage to take out both Ninja Pirates and Jean Paul Valley. Reptile springs out of the water and coats Sailor Moon with his acid spit, which eats away at her flesh, killing the jailbait. Abomination gets a hold of Silver Samurai and crushes the life out of him. He then uses the bloody heap of metal and flesh as a projectile and puts it right through the hull of Fireflight as he flies by. Predator #3 then spears Ninja Pirates #1 and 2. Mary Embry then flies right at Abomination and drags him deep underwater. It’s hard to say who really won or lost this bout, since neither competitor ever came back to the surface. The unlikely combination of Batman Beyond and Lex Luthor take to the air and engage the four remaining Aerialbots. They both use their advanced technology within their suits to precisely target the Aerialbots’ inner circuitry. They are able to damage Air Raid and Slingshot’s guidance systems, which sends them spinning out of control into each other. Silverbolt retaliates by transforming into his robot form and blasts Batman Beyond away with his electrostatic discharger rifle. Lex Luthor then finds himself face to face with Eradicator. This Superman, however, doesn’t hold back with Luthor like the original had so many times before. He quickly lobotomizes Lex with his heat vision. Speaking of Superman, he finally shows up and the combination of Superman, Eradicator and Ursa completely wipe out the rest of Better Than All of You before finally making an example of Aquaman… wait this didn’t happen. Superman never showed up. He’s not even in this match. Sorry, I don’t know how I could make a mistake like that. Anyways, Flash and Reverse Flash have been chasing each other all around the Atlantic. They are currently nowhere near the main battle that is still raging on. Aqualad uses his powers to boil the water around Black Tom Cassidy, literally cooking him. Reptile, Cobra Commander and Nick Fury then triple-team Darth Voltress and Darth Ocron. Before they are killed the Sith Lords are able to take Nick Fury and Cobra Commander with them. It’s at this time when Flash and Reverse Flash return to the battle. Flash sees Darth Voltress’s lightsaber flipping in the air as the Sith’s body sinks into the ocean. He kicks it up another notch and runs by, snagging the lightsaber out of midair. He abruptly stops and spins around slicing Reverse Flash with the crimson blade. “Man, I love these things!” exclaims Flash. His enjoyment is short lived unfortunately, due to the fact that Ursa flew up behind him and ripped his heart out through the back of his rib cage. Predator #3 then fires a grappling hook at Silverbolt and is yanked out of the water. Once he’s managed to climb on top of the Autobot, he detonates his thermonuclear bomb, which incinerates himself and both Autobots. Ursa then flies right at Reptile and makes quick work of him as Eradicator follows her underwater. Eradicator instantly takes out the weak link and kills Aquababy with his heat vision. It’s a decision Eradicator probably regrets making as this sends Aquaman into a violent rage. He attacks Eradicator with the ferocity of a piranha. Nothing Eradicator does is enough to stop the Ruler of Atlantis and finally succumbs to Aquaman’s wrath. Orin turns to see Aqualad holding his own against Ursa, but before he can lend a hand, she makes a quick move and snaps Aqualad’s neck. Aquaman swims at top speeds through the dark waters and plunges his trident deep into Ursa’s chest, ending this battle once and for all. “This is MY home. I will not be defeated,” Aquaman says.

BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU ARE VICTORIOUS!

Built Ford Tough vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies

Built Ford Tough is Han Solo, Chewbacca, Jack Ryan, Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford, Torchwood Crew, Aslan the Lion, Power Man, Iron Fist, E. Honda, Steve McQueen, The Beatles, U.S. Agent, Barry Sanders, Beta Ray Bill, Deadly Vipers Assassin Squad, Flaming Carrot, Mr T., Grapple, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Strong Guy, Solid Snake, Diego, Star Sapphire, Ancient Sith # 8, Ancient Sith # 13, and Mandlorian # 7

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are The Maxx & Julie Winters, Doc Brown, Lorne Michaels, Speedy Gonzalez, Brak, Dobby, (Brain Damaged) Bewowolf, Agent X, Sarah Palin, The Groovy Gang, Jay, Silent Bob, Suzanne, Forge, Aunt May, Bob: Agent of HYDRA, Hellboy, Lobo, Dark Claw, Lobo the Duck, Hydroman, Rancor #1, Ewok #5-21, The Power Puff Girls, The Planeteers, Ted Nugent, Brock Sampson, & Kyle Rayner.

Prior to the match, Grapple built his team a massive structure for them to set up a defense. Built Ford Tough knows that if they are to even stand a chance in this inter-league battle, they have to strike first and strike hard. Sirius Black fires a bolt of magic at the water, which causes Hydroman to rematerialize and his body to float to the surface. Rancor #1 and Suzanne both struggle to stay afloat and they both ultimately drown. The Murderflies all leap aboard Built Ford Tough’s platform and storm their opponents. The trio of Lobo, his sidekick Lobo the Duck and Dark Claw instantly take out the Torchwood crew and Diego. Lobo the Duck is then attacked by Aslan the Lion and with a holy bite, the Jesus Christ allegory kills Lobo the Duck. Aslan is then eviscerated by Dark Claw, um, dark claws. Doc Brown and Forge both start dismantling the platform for their own purpose, but Grapple see this and in a fit of anger, blasts them both away with his arc-welder rifle. The Planeteers then call upon Captain Planet to aid them in this battle. He is met in the skies by Beta Ray Bill and before he can conjure the oceans to his will, Beta Ray Bill puts Stormbreaker right into Captain Planet’s green mullet. As the elemental superhero falls from the sky, the Planeteers look on in disbelief, which causes them not to see the Deadly Vipers Assassin Squad coming right for them. The Vipers’ blades then strike them all down. Ancient Sith Lords #8 and 13 attack and kill Jay and Silent Bob because they were too busy trying to dry out their pot, which was soaked when they were all teleported into the ocean. The team of Hellboy and Brock Samson avenge their teammates deaths by beating the Ancient Sith Lords to bloody pulps. Solid Snake is perched high above a tower on the platform. He then proceeds to pick off Ewoks #10-14 and Lorne Michaels with his sniper rifle. The Maxx charges towards the Harrison Ford crew with Julie Winters on his back, but Han Solo, Jack Ryan and Indiana Jones take them out with their guns. Harrison Ford himself, meanwhile, is just trying not to spill his Gin and Tonic. Ewok #9 then takes aim and uses his slingshot to break Harrison’s Gin and Tonic glass. This proves to be an unbelievably stupid move on the poor Ewok’s behalf. Mr. Ford goes into a blind berserker rage and brutally kills Ewok #9 and then beats Ewoks #6, 7, 8 and 21 to death with Ewok #9’s bloody corpse. He storms Ewok #5, but is stopped dead in his tracks as Ewok #5 pulls out a flask as a peace offering. Harrison seems to calm down as he accepts this offer and takes a swig from the silver flask. He then punts Ewok #5 as hard as he can into the ocean, where the unconscious Ewok drowns. Harrison keeps the flask. Mandalorian #7 takes off with his jet pack and shoots Aunt May and Brak before he is taken down himself by Agent X and Bob: Agent of H.Y.D.R.A. Lobo then goes on a rampage of his own and kills E. Honda with easy and then eliminates Steve McQueen, Jack Ryan and Barry Sanders. Beta Ray Bill then confronts him. The two powerhouses beat on each other back and forth with everything they have. Lobo beats Bill down to his knees and arrogantly laughs before delivering the killing blow. But this hit never comes, as Beta Ray Bill swings Stormbreaker up with all his might and connects with Lobo’s jaw, breaking his neck. The soul mates known as Iron Fist and Power Man (“DAMN IT! Hey Ryatu! I said we ain’t gay!!” Power Man yells at this Watcher.) then runs in and attacks the Groovy Gang. Though they are a group of serial killers, they are simply no match for the powerful duo. Their knives are not even scratching Power Man’s impenetrable skin. Iron Fist easily kills Sonny and Patty as Power Man crushes Ted, Val and Groovy. USAgent leaps in and dropkicks Dark Claw, which knocks him into Beta Ray Bill who smashes his face in with his hammer. Ted Nugent and his sidekick Sarah Palin move in and gun down Solid Snake. Brain Damaged Beowulf then fires some missiles at the platform, which damages its integrity and causes several of the fighters to fall back into the ocean. The Flaming Carrot dives in and using his flippers that he knew would finally come in handy; he fluidly swims underwater and dispatches the six remaining Ewoks. But he’s suddenly blown away by Brain Damaged Beowulf, who then finds himself under attack by the Beatles in their Yellow Submarine. But the Cymek is too powerful for them and they all die in their yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine. They all die in their yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine. But before they do, Ringo is able to fire one last torpedo with damages Brain Damaged Beowulf even further. Grapple swims down and finishes off the Cymek. Severus and Sirius double team Dobby and blast him away with some magic. Kyle Rayner then flies in and makes a much-needed impact for his team. He violently blasts through the entire Deadly Vipers Assassin Squad. Kyle then dives deep under water and blows a hole through Grapple’s chest. Once he shoots back out of the water, Kyle is attacked by Star Sapphire. She hits him with a powerful blast of pink energy, which sends him sailing backwards. They continue to battle high above the water as the rest of their teammates fight in the water. Speedy Gonzalez races across the ocean’s surface, but is caught and eaten by Chewbacca, who then goes after Hellboy. The Wookie claws and slashes at Hellboy, but the demon is able to pull out the Good Samaritan and blow a hole into Chewbacca. Indiana Jones then wraps his whip around Hellboy’s neck, but Hellboy grabs a hold of it and yanks Indy towards him. He then crushes Indy’s face in with his giant rock fist. Mr. T finds himself surrounded by Brock Samson, Agent X and Bob: Agent of H.Y.D.R.A. He tries his best, and even manages to kill Bob, but in the end, Brock and Agent X show him no pity and they kill him. The Powerpuff Girls are quickly flying around the skies, but the combined efforts of Han Solo’s blaster, and Severus and Sirius’s magic are enough to blast away the three small girls. Ted Nugent, Sarah Palin, Hellboy and Brock Samson then find themselves being attacked by Han Solo, Harrison Ford, Iron Fist, Power Man, USAgent, Strong Guy, Sirius Black, Severus Snape and Beta Ray Bill. Brock instantly swims up to Strong Guy and hits him so hard that it overloads the mutant causing him to explode, which takes Ted Nugent out in the process. Sarah Palin dives deep underwater (which did I mention she’s only wearing a bikini and a white t-shirt…so needless to say, she looks hot) and then comes up behind Harrison Ford and slits his throat with her Limited Edition Charlton Heston NRA Knife. USAgent then launches his shield and takes her head clean off, which also sends her “Tina Fey glasses” flying in the air. Agent X is able to gun down Han Solo, but not before take a couple blaster shots himself. Though he has a healing factor, Agent X isn’t given the time to heal, as Iron Fist and Power Man together finish him off. Hellboy then fires two shots from the Good Samaritan and take out the lovely couple (Deal with it Luke. You’re in love with Iron Fist.) “Guess you weren’t bulletproof after all,” quips Hellboy. USAgent flings his shield at Hellboy, but he catches it with his oversized hand. This does however; give Severus and Sirius the opportunity to blast Hellboy away with several different incantations. Brock Samson is actually able to go punch for punch with Beta Ray Bill, but the horse-faced Thor brings Stormbreaker down on his curly blonde mullet and crushes his skull. A loud scream is then heard up from the skies as Star Sapphire’s body falls into the ocean. Kyle Rayner then flies down as fast as he can and targets the remaining members of Built Ford Tough. USAgent is able to get his shield up in time to protect himself from the green energy blast, but it ricochets off and hits Sirius Black and kills him. Beta Ray Bill flies out of the water and summonds several lightning bolts that hit Kyle Rayner in the back. This knocks him off his course, and allows Beta Ray Bill to finish him off with a home run swing of Stormbreaker.

BUILT FORD TOUGH IS VICTORIOUS!

The Actual Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos Vs. George Washington's Slaves

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos is Dave Bowman: The Starchild, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Agamemnon, Juno, Bizarro, Xerxes, Tlaloc, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Rodimus Prime, Black Adam, Ben Kenobi, Mary Marvel, Dr. Doom & Darth Binks in a Swiff Boat, Gungan #1-14, The Cloverfield Monster, & Parallax.

George Washington’s Slaves are Arisia, Ben Skywalker, Capt. Bicard in an F-22, Colossus, Cthulu, Dare the Terminator, Inspector Gadget, Jason Bourne, Loki, Martian Manhunter, Neo, Optimus Prime, Red Dragon #10, Sonny, Spongebob Squarepants, Super Soldier, T-1000, Trinity in the Bat-Copter, Wedge & Capt. Kirk in the Shuttle Tyderium, Windcharger, & Yoda.


O.K., lets do this. Remember how the other version started out when Dave Bowman & Cthulu killed each other, or ate each other, or sent each other to an alternate dimension or whateves. Well, that happened in this one too (shout out to my boy Becks, Get well soon). Basically, I liked that beginning, and we’re gonna keep it. As the battle begins, the Slaves use their vehicles to take control of the air while the Commandos hang low by the water. Agamemnon & Tlaloc lead the rest of the Titans, who have all out-fitted themselves with submersible Cymek bodies down deep below the water’s surface. The Titans are joined by Bizarro, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, & Parallax. Dumbledore has joined Dr. Doom & his personal body guard Darth Binks in their swiff boat which is buzzing around the waters in a clumsy fashion with Lord Binks behind the controls. Capt. Tarpals is leading the other 14 Gungans thru the water as they easily swim thru the rough waves just like they all have done many times on their home planet of Naboo. High in the air, Wedge leads the Slaves in The Shuttle Tyderium while he is being flanked by Capt. Bicard in an F-22 to his right and Trinity in the Bat-Copter to his left. Wedge is joined by Capt. Kirk in his co-pilots seat, but Yoda, Ben Skywalker, Colossus, & Dare the Terminator are on board as well. Arisia, Martian Manhunter, & Super Soldier are flying behind the 3 aircrafts as well. The rest of the Slaves have stealthily dispersed themselves throughout the water down below. Optimus Prime & Rodimus Prime are floating barely above the water when they begin battling one another. The fight is not going on very long before Optimus busts open Rodimus’ chest and destroys his spark (WHAT!!!! I’m posting this crap on the internet, if some Transformers geek finds this and I don’t have Optimus win in like 4 seconds flat, they will probably show up at my house and murder me). Darth Binks swiftly drives their Swiff boat thru the waters John Kerry style, not even noticing that Jason Bourne has hooked himself onto the side of the boat and is slowly sneaking up the side. Before the boat’s threesome even notices that Bourne has made his way onto the boat, Bourne sneaks up behind Dr. Doom and breaks his neck. Darth Binks ignites his crimson lightsaber and says to Jason Bourne “Yusa gonna die now Okkee-day” Bourne just glares at him with that cool look on his face and does not say a word. The evil Binks swings at him, but Bourne ducks out of the way and drop-kicks the Gungan Sith in the back of the head. Bourne then comes up from behind the dizzied Binks and grabs the lightsaber right out of his hand. Bourne then kills Darth Binks with his own lightsaber. Bourne stands ready to do battle with Darth Binks’ lightsaber still ignited and in his hands with Dumbledore. Bourne moves at the powerful wizard, but Dumbledore blasts him with his wand and kills him. Dumbledore then runs to the front of the boat to try and take control of it, but before he can he is targeted by one of Shuttle Tyderium’s proton torpedoes and blown out of the water. Harry Potter takes the lead atop his broomstick and travels high above the water with Mary Marvel & Black Adam behind him. The 3 flying Commandos have a plan to attack The Slaves aircraft, but they are met by Martian Manhunter, Arisia, & Super Soldier. Black Adam punches thru Super Soldier’s Shield with his left hand and then uses his right to punch thru the hero’s head, but Martian Manhunter uses his optic blast to put down Mary Marvel. Arisia & Harry Potter continue to battle fiercely, even after the first 2 battles conclude and Martian Manhunter starts to fight with Black Adam. Black Adam, is about to scream “Shazam” when John Jonzz uses his telepathic abilities to enter into Black Adam’s mind and shut down his speech. Black Adam continues to use his immense strength against The Manhunter, but the green Martian outsmarts him. Martian Manhunter uses his shape-shifting abilities to make himself look like Mary Marvel. This throws Black Adam into a state of confusion which gives John enough time to attack his opponent and finish off Black Adam with a series of fierce melee attacks. Harry Potter manages to out fly Arisia on his broom and dodge all of her green energy attacks. The young wizard allows the young green lantern to tire out before he hits her with a quite powerful spell to finish her off. Potter smiles after his victory, but his happiness is short-lived as Martian Manhunter blasts the teenager with a deadly right hook to the face, that no spell could have stopped. Cloverfield seems to be not quite as spooked in a water setting but the monster is still shedding it’s parasites that kill Spongebob despite the water dwellers use of Ka-Ra-Tay on the dog-sized creatures. T-1000 is attempting to form it’s liquid metal body into a flotilla of some sort, but Parallax pops out of the water and breaks the terminator apart separating it’s molecules into thousands of tiny yellow pieces. Neo dives below the water’s surface and begins battling with Bizarro. Though neither of the combatants are necessarily at home in the water, their powers provide them with the means to be hardly affected by the water around them. Bizarro swings wildly at the “One”, but Neo continually blocks his attacks. The 2 of them are equally matched power wise, but Neo has the definite edge when it comes to intelligence. Bizarro uses brute force against Neo, while Neo tries to outsmart the Bizarro world version of his former teammate; but then thinks that if you can’t beat em join em. Neo then conjures up every bit of strength he has, and strains despite the fact that he knows he can do anything if he simply believes it to be possible and rips off Bizarro’s head. Cloverfield rips apart Windcharger and Red Dragon #10, while The Creature from the Black Lagoon finds himself in a state of serious depression after he realizes that the 2 hard fought battles he just won against Sonny and Inspector Gadget provide no meat for him to consume. Loki then uses his powers of mischief to make Cloverfield and The Creature believe that they must do battle with each other for sea dominance. Once these 2 teammates turn on one another, it is not long before Cloverfield rips the Creature apart. Cloverfield is then about to go on a complete rampage when Capt. Bicard saves both teams by firing all 4 of his missiles at Cloverfield to destroy him completely. Trinity breaks away from the air convoy and brings the Bat-Copter down low toward the water. She is instantly swarmed by Gungans which causes her to panic until she realizes that Batman has already stocked The Bat-Copter with what she needs. Trinity reaches into the compartment to her left and pulls out a can of Gungan repellant which she uses to kill Gungans #1, 4, 8, & 14. Ben Kenobi swims up behind Optimus Prime and attaches himself to the underwater hull of the very aware Autobot, in a way that only a Jedi Master can. In true Jedi fashion, Kenobi waits patiently until Optimus moves to lift his large body out of the water. Once he does, Kenobi ignites his lightsaber and then moves quickly to slice the head of the Transformer off before he even knew that he was being attacked. Parallax tries to telepathically enter into the mind of Loki, but the god of mischief does not fear the being. Parallax finds himself trapped in a world that he can not understand, and is destroyed by his inability to induce fear or control the mind of the son of Odin. Trinity runs out of Gungan repellant, but she still continues to fight on with the Capt. Tarpals led Gungans. She kills Gungan #2, 5, 6, 9, & 11 with her plethora of fighting skills but she is not quite fast enough to stop Capt. Tarpals, who sneaks up behind her with his Otah Gunga pistol and says “Dodgem this” as he blows her head off. Ben Kenobi is using Optimus Prime’s body as a raft, but he knows that the huge hunk of metal will not float forever. He is all alone on the back of his defeated opponent when Loki, Martian Manhunter, & Neo all fly down to meet him. Kenobi appears old and tired, which may be why he is slightly underestimated by Loki. Martian Manhunter tried to warn the Asgardian about the skills of Jedi no matter how old and worn out they appear, but he learns quickly that Loki does not heed good advice like his old friend Thor used to despite their kinship. Obi Wan ignites his lightsaber once again and quickly removes the head of Loki, but after this surprise attack The Manhunter and the Chosen One quickly dispatch him. Although Yoda has no desire to engage the Cymeks in the water he knows that it is the only course of action, so he orders Wedge to fly in low and begin strafing the water. Capt. Bicard takes the lead, but the Cymeks come partially out of the water to meet them. Xerxes fires a powerful rocket at Bicard’s F-22 which he is unable to avoid. Yoda takes Ben Skywalker with him in an escape pod and sends Dare the Terminator and Colossus off in a separate escape pod while Wedge and Capt. Kirk attack from the Shuttle. As the escape pods hit the water, Yoda takes charge of the water forces, much like he did in the air. The Slaves use the escape pods as rafts to work their way to the enemy. Yoda leads Ben Skywalker and Death Devil (oops I mean Dare the Terminator, Death Devil would be her name if the people at Amalgam Comics new what cool was) against Juno while Martian Manhunter attacks Xerxes and Neo attacks Tlaloc. The Titans have an amazing size advantage over any member of The Slaves, but they are up against a significant amount of power. Xerxes and The original Titan leader Tlaloc go down fairly easy as Martian Manhunter phases thru the metal hull of Xerxes and then pulls out his human brain, but this does disrupt him telepathically as he holds a brain that is rich with centuries worth of information. Neo simply raises his hand toward Tlaloc to totally disrupt his electrical field and short out all of his systems, including his brain’s life support but, he is only able to do it once as he is put into some sort of trance after he does it. Juno uses a small, barely visible laser cannon to disintegrate Dare the Terminator’s head, but Ben Skywalker keeps the Titan busy with his lightsaber while Yoda concentrates hard to slowly pull the metal plating off of Juno with the force. Yoda is able to pull away the numerous protective barriers that cover up Juno’s human brain, but Juno still has several weapons, such as her retractable arms which she uses to grab a hold of Ben Skywalker and then rip the young Jedi in half. Yoda is saddened by the loss of such a young Jedi with so much potential, but the Jedi Master honors what young Skywalker fought for and he goes in for the kill as he ignites his own lightsaber and drives it in to the brain of Juno. Colossus manages to get Gungan #13 in a bear hug, but shortly after this the powerful mutant in his organic metal form floats down to the bottom of the ocean, as he is unable to sustain his massive weight above the water. Yoda regroups with Neo & Martian Manhunter and the 3 of them are surrounded by Gungans. The Gungans feel significantly more comfortable in the water setting than there opponents, but in the end superior fighting style wins out as neo kills Capt. Tarpals with a karate chop to the head, as well as Gungan #3 & 12. Yoda takes out Gungan #10, and Martian Manhunter takes out Gungans #7 & 13. Agamemnon targets Shuttle Tyderium with a series of heat seeking missiles, but Wedge takes evasive action. Despite the lack of maneuverability of the Imperial Ship Wedge does an amazing job of avoiding the projectiles, but one missile does clip their left wing. Capt. Kirk looks over at Wedge with a look of dread on his face, knowing what is about to happen. From the back of The Shuttle Tyderium Nofee pops up along with the music and lyrics that say “Priceline Negotiator”. I’m just kidding, that is so stupid; I don’t know why I wrote that. The 2 veteran pilots know that there is no recovering from such a hit which is why without saying a word they agree on what to do as Wedge crashes The Shuttle Tyderium nose first into the top of Agamemnon; killing them, but destroying the Titan Cymek leader as well.
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!

Bryatu's Fever-Induced Hallucinatory Match

To both Chris (Slaves) and Nick (Commandos):

I am truly sorry for posting the fever-induced hallucinatory match cited below. I am shamed, humiliated and humbled by my transgressions. . . I have no excuse for posting a match that never occurred - I feel like Mitch Albom. I am lucky that Joshatu is going to pick up my slack and properly write the match, as well as posting my final match for the week.

I expect the antibiotics to rid me of this vile pestilence which courses through my veins in the near future and I hope you will continue with me on my journey as a distinguished Watcher. If I do not survive this disease, I ask that you remember me for Al Dawg's final match and not the drivel below.

Notwithstanding the above, feel free to comment as you believe necessary. If you wish for me to step down from my Watcher mantle, I will do so willingly in honor of those that I write for and those that I call my friends -there are so few of you remaining. I promise that if you keep me, I will make you all proud that not only have you allowed me to retain my lofty position, but allowed me to fulfill my dream of continuing to be a Watcher in the FFL.

With humble servitude to you all,

Bryatu

Back to our Dimension.

My fellow Watchers and I apologize for the delay, as we have been exploring numerous multiverses and various dimensions over the last week. We hope to not delay the league for a full week, but feel free to wait until Wednesday or even Thursday to send in your Week 9 team. I especially do not expect anyone to send in a team if your match has not yet been posted. In the meantime, please enjoy the match located directly below this post, which was witnessed by all of us during our tiresome interdimensional travels. It does not count toward Season 2 and is entitled "What If The Commandos Had the First Overall Pick in Season 1". Enjoy.

-Josh.

George Washington's Slaves vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos

I am now suffering from a secondary infection which races through my body. Notwithstanding, I will honor my duties since I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 8 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos.

The locker room of the Slaves contains Arisia, Ben Skywalker, Captain Jean Luc Picard in an F-22, Captain Kirk, Colossus, Cthulu, Dare the Terminator, Inspector Gadget, Jason Bourne, Loki, Martian Manhunter, Neo, Optimus Prime, Red Dragon #10, Sonny (I-Robot), Spongebob Sqarepants, Super Soldier, T-1000, Trinity in the Bat-Copter, Wedge Antilles in the Shuttle Tyderium, Windcharger and Yoda.

Captain Kirk: We shall be the only one loss team after this battle! My ego will not allow anything less!

Jason Bourne: Just do your job Kirk and we’ll see to it!

Dare the Terminator: Hey! No sight jokes!!!

The locker room of the Commandos contains Dave Bowman: The Starchild, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Agamemnon, Juno, Bizarro Superman, Xerxes, Captain Tarpals, Tlaloc, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Rodimus Prime, Black Adam, Ben Kenobi, Darth Binks and Dr. Doom in a Swift Boat, Mary Marvel, Gungans #1-14, The Cloverfield Monster and Parallax.

Darth Binks: Meesa loves to cut Slaves!!!

Dumbledore: Cut them you shall young Binks. Cut them you shall.

Dave Bowman: Not if I have anything to say about it. Our team is tired so I plan on making this match a quick one!

I transport the teams to the Pacific battleground. . . .

Dave Bowman: The Starchild takes the lead. As said in the locker room, he wants the match to finish in record time. He walks on the water with his arms spread in a deity-like pose. The Slaves are ready to suffer extreme consequences at the hands of the Starchild. As an aura spreads across Bowman and he is ready to unleash his powers upon the Slaves, Cthulu rises from the watery depths and swallows Bowman whole. As one of the Great Old Ones (and a cosmic entity itself), Cthulu manages to absorb Bowman’s powers. Bowman attempts to escape, an energy surging through his veins as he becomes cosmically nuclear. The explosion is blinding and takes out both Bowman and Cthulu. The cosmic ones perish together. Seeing that a major threat on each team has been taken out, the remaining team members charge at one another.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon swims at the Slaves. He sees Spongebob Squarepants walking on the bottom of the ocean. With one swipe of its claw, Spongebob is shredded to gelatinous pieces. The Gungans #1-14 join the Creature from the Black Lagoon and swim further into the Slaves’ territory. They are met by Captain Jean Luc Picard in an F-22. Picard uses his plane’s equipment to get the heat signatures of the Gungans and Creature. The Captain uses the Joint Direct Attack Munition guidance system and small-diameter bombs to ferret out his enemy in the water. The bombs kill Gungans #2, 5-7, 12-14. As the remaining Gungans and Creature surface in an attempt to avoid the bombing, they are met by the MBDA Meteor and rotary cannons. The Creature and the remaining Gungans are killed by Picard. As Picard circles the area, he is suddenly met by the Cloverfield Monster. The Monster smashes the F-22 and both the aircraft and Picard meet their fates in a brilliant explosion. Wedge Antilles in the Shuttle Tyderium flies at the Cloverfield Monster. The Monster faces a repeatedly barrage of laser fire. Knowing that Antilles may be able to defeat it, the Monster dives into the waters again. Antilles decides that he will search for and ultimately destroy the Monster. Instead of finding the Cloverfield beast, he is met by Bizzaro and Superman (actually working together to defeat a common enemy). They rip off the wings of the Tyderium. The craft spins out of control and into the waters below. Antilles manages to eject from the aircraft.

Antilles: Whew. Barely escaped that time. . .

Antilles looks around and sees his body falling into the gaping maw of the Cloverfield Monster.

Antilles: Oh well. At least this isn’t my ninth. . .

While its mouth is opened and Antilles is falling to his digestive doom, Trinity in the Bat Copter releases all of her explosive weapons into the giant beast’s maw. The explosions shred the internal organs, as well as Antilles, apart. Both Antilles and the Cloverfield Monster perish.

On Inspector Gadget, once again using his body as a raft-like flotilla are Dare the Terminator and Jason Bourne. The cymeks, being Agamemnon, Juno, Xerxes and Tlaloc, swim to the trio. Using their strengths and abilities in unison, the cymeks manage to rip apart and eventually dismantle Inspector Gadget. Gadget and a majority of his body parts go to their watery graves. Bourne floats on a large Gadget piece and is met by Xerxes. Bourne uses his special training skills to defeat Xerxes, who is destroyed. Bourne is a little surprised at actually having killed a cymek; he is ready for another. Bourne is not ready for Agamemnon though as Agamemnon dismantles and kills Bourne (as Bourne did to Xerxes previously. Juno and Tlaloc together fight Dare the Terminator. Dare uses her enhanced abilities and her billy club to dent various pieces of Juno’s and Tlaloc’s encasements. Dare then uses a piece of “Gadget” flotilla to destroy Juno. Agamemnon comes to the fray and with Tlaloc, eventually catches and kills the blind mercenary. The cymeks turn to see Colossus (in human form) and the Super Soldier swim to the scene. As the duo comes to the various Gadget pieces (enough for them to stand on), Colossus armors up and destroys Agamemnon is a vicious battle. Super Solider, with the help of Colossus, takes out Tlaloc.

Dr. Doom and Darth Binks pull up near the Gadget pieces in their Swift Boat. Doom uses the boat’s weaponry and fires upon the Super Solider. Darth Binks springs from the boat and uses his lightsaber to sever Colossus’ left arm. The right arm is all he needs though, as Binks slips due to the wet surface, and Colossus catches Binks by his throat with his right hand. Colossus crushes Binks’ windpipe and the Sith slips to his watery grave. Dr. Doom, meanwhile, has already killed Super Soldier. Colossus focuses on Dr. Doom. The two are in a power struggle when Black Adam flies to the scene. With both Black Adam and Doom, joining together, Colossus is eventually subdued and defeated - killed.

Captain Tarpals swims to the scene. He is met by Sonny. The two warriors fight one another and Tarpals uses his weapon to slice across Sonny’s prosthetic body. Sonny’s fight with Tarpals is vicious, but the robot eventually gets the upper hand and kills Tarpals. Sonny swims on and is met by Mary Marvel. Damaged already from Tarpal’s actions, Marvel easily dispatches with Sonny. Mary Marvel flies from the waters and into the sky.

Mary Marvel joins her teammates Bizarro Superman, Rodimus Prime, Black Adam and Parallax, currently in the air. They are met by Arisia, Loki, Martian Manhunter, Optimus Prime, Red Dragon #10 and Trinity in the Bat-Copter. Parallax uses its powers to overpower and take control of Arisia’s body. With their combined powers, Parallax-Arisia is able to smash the Bat-Copter to pieces. Trinity escapes from the helicopter and is met by Red Dragon #10, who carries the Matrix legend on its back. Parallax-Arisia focuses on Red Dragon #10 and Trinity. Before Parallax-Arisia can destroy the two, Optimus Prime skewers Arisia and kills both to save his teammate from further degradation at the hands of Parallax. Loki, used to dragons in his Asgardian realm, uses his powers to slay and destroy Red Dragon #10, who plummets from the sky. Trinity uses her Matrix abilities to soften the blow as she hits the water. Rodimus Prime and Optimus Prime begin their fight against one another. The two Transformers are equally matched. They bash one another and it is not until Bizarro and Superman come to the scene that the match tips to one side. The trio manages to destroy Optimus Prime. Mary Marvel sees Loki, having just killed the dragon, and smashes his skull, killing the mischief maestro. Black Adam then takes on Martian Manhunter. The two are evenly matched. Nonetheless, Manhunter eventually bests and kills Black Adam. Bizarro, Superman, Rodimus Prime and Mary Marvel then take on the Martian Manhunter. Although Manhunter kills Marvel, the other three easily defeat and kill him.

Dr. Doom uses the swift boat to pick up his other teammates: Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, and Ben Kenobi. They look for the other team and fail to realize that they are already being boarded by Ben Skywalker, Captain Kirk, Neo, T-1000, Windcharger and Yoda. Dumbledore takes on the T-1000. Although the T-1000 is highly formidable, Dumbledore manages to use his magic to dismantle and disintegrate the terminator model. Captain Kirk, always looking to battle the most formidable opponent, charges at Harry Potter. The boy wizard uses his wand to send flames at the Starfleet captain. Kirk gives a scream (as heard when he was penetrated by Spock) and falls into the water, a sizzling mass of charred meat. Windcharger, in robot mode, fights the wizards, Dumbledore and Potter. Windcharger is eventually destroyed by the duo, but Dumbledore sacrifices himself to save Potter as Windcharger releases a final blast in his death throw. Ben Skywalker and Yoda deflect the magic propelled by Potter at the Jedi. Yoda then flips three times and slices Potter in half with his lightsaber. Ben Skywalker dies at the hands of his namesake Ben Kenobi. Yoda, the superior warrior, then kills Ben Kenobi. Trinity, Yoda and Neo together take out Dr. Doom. The three then focus on their next prey when Bizarro, Superman and Rodimus Prime come to the boat. The boat is in near shambles and is sinking due to the damage it has sustained in the battle. The final skirmish is over in ten minutes. Rodimus Prime kills Trinity. Neo is killed by Superman. Bizzaro is joined by Rodimus Prime and Superman in a fight against Yoda. The wizened warrior slices Bizzaro, but meets his fate as administered by Prime and Superman.

Slaves: All dead.

Commandos: Superman and Rodimus Prime alive.

POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA’S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS” TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!