Consolation Match-Round 1: Alice's Wonder Team Vs. The Right Wing

Alice’s Wonder Team is Tyler Derdon, Goblin #1, Ewok #47 and Treasure Troll #3.

The Right Wing is Jedi Padawan #1.

Kit Fisto has decided to take on a Padawan. It took him a while to decide on one. For sometime now, Kit has had his eye on a certain Padawan and about a month ago he made his decision. The fact that he chose who he did, surprised more than a few people on the Right Wing. Gary is a 14-year old teenager who drinks 2-liters of diet 7-up everyday and has been smoking cancer sticks since he was eleven years old. He is not a fan of exercising and getting up at noon is early to him. Gary was also a very gifted youngling, who has more promise than most Padawan’s his age. This is why Kit Fisto has decided to take him on. Gary is his full name as well. The Jedi Counsil insists there is more to it but trying to get any information out of Gary is basically useless. Oh, and one more thing; Gary is also an asshole. This is the main reason why everybody was so shocked by the choice. Regardless of everything though, Gary has been chosen to represent his team in their consolation match today.
It is quarter after one o’clock in the afternoon at Comerica Park, which is where Tyler Derdon and his gang have now been waiting for at least fifteen minutes. Derdon keeps looking up at the scoreboard and is wondering if his opponent is even going to show. In the meantime, Ewok #47 has fashioned a giant sling shot out of hundreds of jock straps that he found in the locker room. Goblin #1 on the other hand has taken dozens of baseball bats out of the dug out and has created an arsenal of wooden spears. Treasure Troll #5 is as usual just sitting there with his bright green hair, doing pretty much nothing. Tyler is now beginning to become impatient and starts screaming for The Right Wing to send someone his way. “Come on Huckabee, are you showing up today or are you dropping out of this race too?” All of a sudden there is a sound from one of the concession stands and the voice of an unknown person saying, “About damn time”.
Tyler now interested in finding out who this mystery person is screams towards the concession stand. “Who the hell is up there? Mike is that you? What the hell are you doing up there?” Gary does not answer Tyler’s question, but a short time later the lazy Padawan walks out into the stands of the third baseline carrying a large glass of something in one hand and a lit cancer stick in the other. “Hold on, I’ll be down in a minute. They got no-one working here today.” Tyler is surprised to see this young kid and is instantly confused on why he is there.
“Who the hell are you kid and how did you get in here?”
“Oh that, yeah, I’m Gary. I’m representing the Right Wing today in battle. If you could wait just a couple of minutes I’m almost done with this”, pointing to his cancer stick.
Tyler is still confused by this choice by his opponent, but is also extremely happy to see that he will get to go home early today. “Oh sure kid, take your time”. As Tyler is saying this, he signals Ewok # 47 to throw everything he can at him with his giant slingshot. The Ewok, with the help of Tyler had been taking seats out of the stands in anticipation of throwing them at people. Ewok #47 places the first seat in his slingshot and fires it at the now sitting Padawan. The Padawan senses that something is coming right for him. By senses, I mean that he sees it out of the corner of his eye as it comes crashing down ten feet in front of him. “Oh, you’re going to be a prick about this. Fine, I guess it’s going to be one of those kind of days.”
Gary throws his cancer stick down to the ground and stomps it out. He then gets out of his seat to meet his opponents on the field, but not before he is hit square in the face with what seems to be a rosin bag. He spits the chalk out of his mouth and says, “Rosin, are you f%#ing kidding me. A chair is one thing, but a rosin bag just pisses me off.” The young Padawan now jumps onto the field and takes his light saber from the back of his belt. “Oh shit”, Derdon says, “I didn’t know this kid was a Jedi”. He now takes off and heads for the fountain in center field. “Goblin, go rush his ass and Ewok, just shoot everything you’ve got at him. I’m heading for the water, I’ve got an idea”. Derdon takes off for the fountain, leaving his team to fend for themselves.
As Gary gets closer to the Ewok and the Goblin, stuff starts flying his way. A catcher’s mask, numerous baseballs and even a sharpened baseball bat are thrown his way. These items are not difficult to dodge, as the Padawan still does have Jedi like reflexes. As soon as he approaches Goblin #1 he quickly cuts the wooden spear and force pushes him away. He knows that the Goblin will be easy to kill and the most important thing to do right now is to disable this giant jockstrap. He runs over to the slingshot and cuts into pieces. The Ewok then takes a smaller slingshot and starts shooting more baseballs at him. The Padawan laughs, knocks the slingshot out of the Ewok’s hand and stick’s his light saber into the gut of the furry little creature. The Ewok falls to the ground and after a couple of moments becomes the first causality of this battle. He is not alone in death long though as Gary instantly races over to the Goblin and cuts his head off. Goblin #1 is actually not the second death in this battle though, that honor belongs to the Treasure Troll. He was in the unfortunate position of being underneath Gary’s foot on his way over to the Goblin.
Gary actually feels bad for this death, as he has fond memories of his Treasure Troll from when he was a young boy. He quickly gets over this trip down memory lane and jumps right into the fountain that Tyler has been patiently waiting in.
“Nice moves kid, lets see how good your sword works in the water”. Just as Tyler has said this, the light saber, which had been left on, is knocked out of Gary’s hand and lands in the water. Tyler had taken one of the jockstrap slingshots from his Ewok friend and had finally gotten Alice’s Wonder Team’s first shot through to the Padawan. “Now what are you going to do kid. I heard those things don’t work to well underwater?”
“Well, normally you’re right but before I left, my master let me borrow his for the battle. I don’t know if you know him, but his name is Kit Fisto”. Just then, Gary uses the force to pick up his light saber from the bottom of the pond, jumps over to Tyler and stabs him in the chest. Gary then smiles at Tyler and says, “Just in case you didn’t notice, this one works just fine in the water.” Tyler then falls to his knees and looks at Gary with amazement.
“Yeah, I know, it’s sucks to be you”. Tyler falls to his death and Gary jumps out of the pond. He takes a pack of cancer sticks out of his pocket, but they are soaking wet. “Son of a bitch. Well, it was a good day.” Gary walks out of the battle unscathed and heads for the dugout where he is hoping that Jim Leyland has left a pack of smokes.

The Right Wing is Victorious!