Built Ford Tough Vs. Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Dest

Wednesday, Dagobah, south by southwest. The dawn crept in slowly that morning, almost as slowly as a turtle...a turtle stuck in molasses...in the middle of February. The silvery light of morning filled the sky, and a rooster crowed the theme song to Cats, the musical. Still inside their lair, Galadriel, Black Alice, the Stranger, and Proteus were in the middle of an intense meeting of minds, hatching a plot to take over the swampy realm. They had received word that the power of Dagobah would go to the one who obtained the Mystical Marshmallow Microbial Mandolin, which was hidden in a cavern on the yuppy side of the planet. There were many plans to discuss, blue prints to pour over, pie charts to draw, puffy paints to use, and silly string to spray.


Meanwhile.....


Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's, alongside Wendy in a mail delivery jeep, cackled uproariously as he gazed upon the items he had just received from his Amazon.com order. Soon, victory would be his, and everyone would finally stop referring to him as “that washed up burger hack whose daughter always rides around in a mail delivery truck even though she's never worked for the postal service.” As Dave was using his teeth to pop the bubble wrap that surrounded his wares, Dr. Who came up behind him, yammering on his cell phone about his fabulous time machine. Dave rolled his eyes but plastered a friendly smile on his face as Dr. Who hung up up with his caller.


“Wendy!” Dr. Who cried excitedly. “I just found out that I'm the keynote speaker at the Italian Sausage Convention! Isn't that smashing?!” Just as Wendy was about to respond, the rest of the group came racing up, splashing mud and swamp moss everywhere. A glob of smudge hit Professor Snape directly in the face, and he began muttering expletives and stomping his feet, wiping the slop into his hair as though it were pomade.


The Energizer Bunny was first to speak. “Everyone, we are in crisis. Sirius Black was using his magical water boarding technique again, and received a disturbing bit of intelligence.” Firestorm gasped, and Zombie Rob Bartlett stood there in shock, his mouth gaping.


“Well, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, there are too many irons in the fire, and we're running on empty.” Darkwing Duck offered. Good Luck Bear slapped him in the wing and shook his head at him while Veronica Mars and Diego with Baby Jaguar looked on, wearing concerned expressions, and also water buffalo costumes.


Ancient Sith Lord #14 sighed. “Please continue, you pink thing in sunglasses.”


The bunny took a deep breath and continued. “It has come to our attention, that what we seek is also being hunted by our enemies, the Dope Fiends. We must act. Everyone, get into the mail delivery truck, stat!!”


The group piled in, except for Sirius Black, who insisted on being strapped to the top with bungee cords and an impossibly long strand of dental floss. They drove for 18 hours without stopping, Dr. Who complaining the entire time in his British accent about how they should have taken his magnificent time machine.


When they arrived at their destination, they were dismayed to find that their opponents were already scouting the place out, and so were the cops. Someone must have called in an anonymous tip.


Darkwing Duck quacked in irritation. “I always say to never put all your eggs in one basket!!”


“Oh NO!” screeched Firestorm. “Those cops are going to find this bag full of dimes I've got stashed! That's ALL of my change! Crap crap crap crap crap cra-”


“Silence!” bellowed the Energizer Bunny. “We are not prepared for battle, it is best that we retreat.”


But it was too late for that. Galadriel and Proteus had begun firing at them with their potato guns. Black Alice and the Stranger were descending on them from above, swinging down from the trees on enormous vines.


Snape ripped Sirius loose from his cords, and they both drew their wands. The rest sprang out of the jeep to lead their enemies into the field, all but Dave Thomas, Founder of Wendy's, who began to work furiously in the back seat, flinging mail bags and weekly circulars aside, except for a Kentucky Fried Chicken coupon-that he shoved into his mansierre. He glanced out the window, the first bubble of fear rising in his stomach. In the distance, he could see that only Snape and Sirius were still fighting, although it wasn't looking good for them either. The others were down and seriously injured, even Wendy, and Dave knew that if he didn't act fast there would be no one to run his burger joints.


Dave used an entire family-sized bottle of Drano, pouring it in equal amounts into empty pop bottles. Snape and Sirius were wounded now too, and Dave suddenly heard four sets of footsteps on top of the jeep. They had come for him. His hands shaking, he stuffed each pop bottle with aluminum foil, feeling eternally grateful that Amazon sold Drano Bomb kits. They really did sell everything! He closed up the bottles, and slipped stealthily out the side door, which opened onto a patch of extremely thick foliage. He crawled through, then ran like he'd never run before. He didn't feel the rumble of the explosion until he tripped and found himself face down on the mossy earth. The mud created a suction, and he had to use his trusty shoehorn to pry his face out of the sludge. He scrambled back up just in time to see Black Alice rolling over in over on the ground, blanketed in flames. Galadriel, the Stranger, and Proteus were already dead, lying supine on the ground amidst the remains of the mail jeep. As Black Alice lost the struggle, a stray letter floated downward on the wind, then landed atop her corpse.


Dave watched his friends get up to cautiously survey the scene and smiled to himself. He had finally saved the day. And now he even could afford to buy everyone a bucket of chicken.
BUILT FORD TOUGH IS VICTORIOUS!!