-Zombie Charlton Heston
Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome welcome welcome to the 2012 Easter Classic!
It has been decided that to celebrate the binge eating of chocolates and the bizzare notion that a rabbit would lay eggs...
(Everyone knows rabbits produce a-sexually, molting their old body and leaving a bolus of fleshy tissue inside which then proceeds to become either a Cadbury Creme Egg or a newly born rabbit depending on the amount of heat applied to it during the gestation period...) but I digress...
We find ourselves on Easter Island yet again. The rubble has been cleared away from the last match we witnessed here. The Moss has been scrubbed from the Moai heads. The rips in space-time that resulted in the disappearance of the 2011 Easter Classic have been repaired and all alternate timelines have been.... reconciled.
The air is still on Easter Island however none of our competitors have any clue where they are.
The Horsemen have sent Casey Rybeck, Battle Pope, Zombie Charlton Heston, Alfred Pennyworth, and Ryan Poteracki himself into the fight.
The Commandos assembled the following members for the contest: Lady Gaga, Fredrich Nietzsche, Judah Ben-Hur, Rachel Ray, and last, but most certainly not least, Worm Becks
The respective teams occupy themselves in the waiting areas below the island. The mostly sterile environment is made much more tolerable by the copious amount of food and entertainment available. The competitors are given anything their hearts desire during the time before the battle. Alfred finds himself enjoying a wonderful cup of tea. Rachel Ray is literally bathing in extra virgin olive oil like some bizarre foodie version of Elizabeth Bathory.
In the Waiting Room of the Horsemen:
Battle Pope: “If any of us are capable of coming from behind and overcoming the odds it’s probably Rybeck.”
Alfred: “Very good sir! very good choice indeed. I couldn’t agree more.”
BP: “Cram it Jarvis... heaven hates a kiss ass.”
Meanwhile in the Commandos waiting room:
Worm Becks is busily making his way between stations in the fashion department of the room. His movements are a blur, sewing needles pinched tightly between his lips hands a flurry of fabric and special vials of chemicals..
(I told you those rooms have everything)
Worm Becks: "aaand there, this should really do a number on the crowd.'
Gaga: "What on earth are you doing?"
WB: “I am not going up there looking like just any old guy doing the worm, I am going to be the Worm On Fire!”
Gaga: “... dude I’m wearing a dress made of defrosted tyson chicken breasts and even I think you look like a crazy person... and what is up with the eyeliner dude?!”
WB: You know what... I think I’ve just spotted something that will really cement my image in the hearts and minds of the crowd.
PSSSSSSHHHHHTTTTTTTT a hydraulic hiss escapes the back of the room as Becks emerges from an odd stainless steel chamber. His body has been twisted and re-shaped by the mutation chamber’s power. His new segmented body ripples underneath the sequined red outfit he had created for himself.
Gaga finishes helping him re-tailor the outfit, which she now understands is perfect for his new earth-worm physique...
As the two fashion mavens fuss over the final details of their outfits. A loud horn sounds, and their sponsorship gifts slide down a chute into the teams respective waiting rooms.
The Horsemen are given a crate of hydraulics and steel parts...
A Motorola Razr from 2005
A suit of Armor
and a Sword.
Battle Pope immediately takes both the sword and the armor because he sees them for what they really are. The Sword is none other than St. Michael’s sword. and the armor is from the legendary Sir Lancelot.
Rybeck takes the rest and gets to work...
In the commandos locker room they find that despite the swap, they got some of what they wanted.
the crate of hydraulics and steel
the motorola razr
a sword
but instead of the suit of armor they asked for... they received a GPS unit.
Gaga: asserting herself as the team’s inventor and most creative member, begins to go to work with the electronics and the crate of parts.
Judah goes over to the sword... tossed aside by Gaga who has no mind for the implements of old.
there is a piece of paper wrapped around the handle of the sword that reads as follows:
I shatter Swords and splinter spears;
None stands to Shieldbreaker.
My point's the fount of orphan's tears
My edge the widowmaker.
Judah: “Bad. Ass...” he picks up the sword and a rhythmic pounding plays in his ears.. he notices the white engraving of a hammer on the sword’s hilt.
Alarms Sound, a dead robotic voice fills the air countdown to match start in...10...9....8....
The launch pads raise the competitors into the field. they see the giant wicker cornucopia in the center of the battlefield. Backpacks full of supplies are scattered with increasing density towards its mouth (where the pumpkins and corn and stuff are)
Ryan: Oh this is TOTAL CRAP this is a direct rip off from Hunger Games... I’m not going to stand for this.
With this exclamation Ryan steps off his platform.
A Huge explosion throws dirt and soot into the air.
The smoke clears and, back on his launch pad, is Ryan... seemingly unharmed,and now frantically hoping one of the backpacks contains a change of pants...
4....
3....
2....
1
a Low rumbling horn signals the start of the battle.
the competitors run towards the cornucopia.
Nietzsche simply sits down on his platform making no motion
Ryan: “ugh... friggin hacks... fine, I’ll play along...”
Ryan makes a dash for the nearest backpack Katniss style, he grabs it and rushes back out into the surrounding territory to formulate a plan of attack.
While he is stomping through the woods he turns to check if he is being followed. As his eyes divert from where he is going, he stumbles into Rachel Ray who is stumbling around, blinded by a booby trapped container of EVOO which has sprayed into her eyes when she opened her backpack. In a moment of sheer panic Ryan snatches the slippery, oil covered garbage bowl from Ray’s hands and repeatedly slams the edge into her skull until her body stops twitching.
Ryan: Man... that... that went ok... alright, I got this... everything is going to be fine... what is that smell? I don’t believe this chick already cooked something! Whatever it is it smells amazing!
Behind Ryan, is a partially burned Lady Gaga in a half functioning spider bot she constructed from the Hydraulics and steel, sparks and flames shoot from the terrible machine jerking and lurching its way toward him... her now grilled chicken suit smells delicious and gives her position away. But not in time to protect Ryan from the “little monsters” she has also unleashed on the battlefield.
Gaga is frantically pounding commands into the keypad of the Moto Razr and a pack of small iron creatures created from GPS components and scrap metal, tear across the ground towards him. He is torn to shreds by the monsters as they short circuit one after another, sending feedback to her make-shift controller which also stops functioning.
Gaga Wheels the spider bot away from the body to look for her next victim but ends up setting her sights on what will ultimately be the end for her.
Casey Rybeck was not allowed to enter the initial fray. The powers in control of the Easter Classic sought to use him as some kind of monster to present a challenge to the Horsemen.
Unfortunately... Worm Becks broke the damn Mutation machine....
Rybeck has used his crate of parts and electronics (in addition to his extra time) to produce an alien style mech complete with a set of Chef’s knives on each hydraulic claw..
Worm Becks has wiggled his way into the path of Rybeck in a valiant attempt to save his fellow fashionista’s life.
Rybeck: “Get away from her you bitch!”
Rybeck then stomps on worm becks crushing his organs and leaving him no way to regenerate using his new found earthworm DNA.
Rybeck proceeds to dismantle Gaga’s Spider Mech and turn her grilled chicken suit into a grilled-chicken-Gaga-Kabob.
Rybeck: “Kiss the cook lady.”
a Rhythmic Thumping fills the air as Rybeck wheels to face his next opponent... a lone man with a sword faces him. Rybeck almost laughs but something doesn’t seem right.
Shieldbreaker has taken control of Judah’s sword arm, sapping strength from the rest of his body and pouring that energy into a single focus, Destroying the armed foe in front of it.
The sword slices through the mech as if it were made of cardboard and zip ties. Rybec tries to deflect the swords arc away from his body with a chef’s knife but that too is cut cleanly in half.
Meanwhile....
Battle Pope and Nietzsche have found each other.
Nietzsche still sitting on his launch pad, Battle Pope is gritting his teeth, white knuckles wrapped around his sword.
BP: “Don’t sit there and pretend that you know what you’re up against pal.”
Nietzsche: “Oh I understand more than you know Oswald, When one has not had a good father, one must create one.”
BP: “You confuse my lack of respect for a lack of faith....But I have discovered exactly what you are lacking...”
Nietzsche: “And what... pray tell... is that Oswald?”
Zombie Heston: “Brrrraaaaaiiiiiinnnnssss!”
BP laughs as Zombie Heston descends on Nietzsche, tearing into his head and eating ferociously.
By the time Zombie Heston is gnawing on Fred’s collar bones Judah Has walked up to the cackling pontiff and clears his throat.
Judah: “Ahem”
Battle Pope rounds on the intruder, sword at the ready.
BP: “Do you really think you can stand against the Sword of the Archangel Michael and the armor of Sir Lancelot? Let alone ME?’
Judah: Call it a hunch...
And with that, Judah’s arm is thrust into battle he deflects the furious blows of Battle Pope. BP spits his cigar directly into Judah’s face but the hot ash bounces off without effect. Judah’s Sword finds its mark and cleaves Oswald Leopold II in half slicing through the magical armor and holy sword alike.
Judah advances on the zombie that is currently feasting on his former team mate but feels a tapping on his shoulder.
Alfred: “Excuse me Sir, if you could be so kind as to....”
At this Judah Swings the sword fiercely directly at Alfred’s head.
The sword passes through without so much as disturbing a single hair.
Alfred: “... As I was saying sir.. if you would be so kind as to hold still so that my undead compatriot can end your life that would be very much appreciated.
Judah swings again, no effect.
He tries to remember the words on the paper that arrived with the sword. “I Shatter Swords and Splinter Spears....” he mutters to himself.
Alfred: “I do believe the next line is ‘None stands to Shieldbreaker’ which is exactly the type of weapon that Myself and my teammate here are armed with... ‘none’ and we most definitely are standing to you sir..”
Judah’s strength was still pouring into his now useless sword arm, he thrashed impotently against the now immeasurable force that Alfred’s grip was placing on his arm.
Zombie Heston: “aaaaaaaaaah Brraaaaiiins”
As Zombie Heston began to devour his enemy a sound interrupts...
Zombie Heston’s last two living brain cells fire and he forms a full sentence: You can make me stop eating when you pry this guy from my cold... dead... hands!!!!
A blast of energy from the transport ship disintegrates the zombie. Sending a clear message to Alfred who boards the ship without argument.
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6 comments:
The Horsemen are Victorious! Alfred is the lone survivor!
Hells yeah!!!!!! I totally thought I was screwed when I saw that I was going to have to face Nick one on one. Happy Easter to me!
Great Easter Classic Goof. Absolutely hilarious. Loved it.
Nick... A pleasure as always. I look forward to our second encounter of the week when it's posted later tonight.
Oh... And am I the only one who was legitimately aroused when I read Rachel Ray bathing in EVOO?
Seriously though.... That was hot.
Great match Goof, that was hilarious. Incredibly inventive all the way through. I had a feeling from the start that this might be a Hunger Games match. I loved the Elizabeth Bathory comment at the beginning of the match as well. I can only hope Rachel Ray will become as great as that women.
Nice win Ryan, I had a feeling Alfred was going to pay off quite well. Nice Katniss comparison you received as well, that's one hell of a compliment.
Oh and no you are not the only one who was aroused by the EVOO bathing Rachel Ray. You should come by sometime because every once in a while Rachel and the Original Human Torch get together for a EVOO bathing BBQ where he fries up a couple dozen treats right off of her oily body. It's actually kind of gross to watch but the food is delicious. Barack always has a few to many to drink every time and starts to hit on Miley, it's hilarious.
i havent seen that many last minute rule changes since stone cold vs. dude love. good one. oh, and mmmmmm chicken
Awesome match, Goof! An "Instant Classic"
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