Season 5, Week 4: Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs. George Washington's Slaves

"I'm an artist, torture is a prerequisite.”
-Dawson Leery

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 4 Match located in Jurassic Park. They are as follows:

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: Robert Muldoon in The Modern Age Batmobile (The Tumbler), White Lantern Hal Jordan, Black Lantern Shaun Poteracki, Yellow Ring Guy Gardner (with Alan Scott's Green Lantern Ring and a Red Lantern Ring), Star Sapphire #4, Meriadoc Brandybuck (with Blue Lantern Ring), Larfleeze (with Count Dooku's Red Lightsaber), Indigo Lantern #2, Joey, Pacey, Dawson (He has 9 deaths), The Phoenix Force, Nosyarg Kcid (a/k/a Larry), Katma Tui, Superboy (Clark Kent), Pythona (with Asaaj Ventess' red lightsabers), Gwildor (with a Proton Pack), Hammer Bros. Shaun Poteracki, and Ewoks #41 and 42.

George Washington's Slaves: Cassandra Nova with Demon Rod, Kol Skywalker, Shado Vao, Zilius Zox, Runner, Shindor of Brontic, Sly Moore, Bender B. Rodriguez with flamethrower, John Connor with Ki Adi Mundi's Blue Lightsaber and Green Lightsaber, Simon Phoenix with M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher, Bill Rieser, Lance Bean, Wildabeest, Warlock, Elongated Man, Crimmell with red lightsaber and Sunspot.

Let the battle begin...

I look down upon the lush jungles of Jurassic Park and hear the singing of one Dawson Leery.

Dawson: So open up your morning light,
And say a little prayer for I;
You know that if we are to stay alive,
Then see the peace in every eye.

Dawson is joined by Pacey, Joey and Gwildor on a hovercraft. The hovercraft flies over the ground, not a focus of any Slave member due to the lack of participant strength.

Wildabeest scans the battleground and notices Ewoks #41 and 42 rummaging through the weeds. As he is about to destroy the cuddly aliens, he notices Bender B. Rodriguez and Sly Moore in the bushes immediately in front of the two creatures.

Moore: Fry them!

Bender: I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do!

Moore: Just shut your mouth and do it!

Bender jumps out of the bushes and startles Ewoks #41 and 42. Before they can avoid their nemesis, Bender uses his flamethrower to scorch the two furballs. Ewoks #41 and 42 scream and run through the forest, igniting pieces of shrubbery along the way. They eventually strike two trees, fall to the ground and die. Superboy flies to the scene and immediately puts his hand through the face of the Umbaran. Sly Moore falls to the ground, dead. Bender triggers his flamethrower again to no avail and Superboy simply shrugs off the heat.

Superboy: Let’s see if your namesake is true.

Superboy uses his strength to tear, rip and cleave Bender apart; never once did the Kryptonian actually “bend” the Futurama robot. Superboy, having destroyed Bender, flies away.

Hammer Bros. Shaun Poteracki (hereinafter “HBSP”) rushes at the New Mutants, Warlock and Sunspot. Poteracki manages to throw a hammer at Sunspot, catching him in the head. Sunspot, although not killed, falls. Warlock in retaliation for his comrade’s injury, infects HBSP with the
alien virus technology flowing through his system. HBSP becomes discombobulated and begins to throw hammers in all directions for no particular reason. Sunspot rises and exacts revenge by
projecting a concussive blast that rips HBSP apart.

Onboard the hovercraft, Dawson continues to sing.

Dawson: She had two babies. One was six months, one was three,
Inthe war of '44;
Every telephone ring, every heartbeat stinging,
When she thought it was God calling her.
Oh would her son grow to know his father?

Meanwhile below, the Batmobile races through the paths of Jurassic Park, driven by Robert Muldoon. Simon Phoenix points his M202A1 Flash rocket launcher at the vehicle. The first rocket explodes and only nearly misses the Batmobile. As Muldoon is about to utilize the vehicle’s weaponry, a rocket explodes in front of the Batmobile. The crater caused as a result of the blast captures the Batmobile. The game warden is stuck. John Connor pounces on the vehicle and uses his lightsaber to cut away the top. Before Muldoon can find his weapon, he is struck down by Connor. Both Phoenix and Connor are set upon by Katma Tui, Star Sapphire #4 and Indigo Lantern #2. Connor puts up a fight, Phoenix less so, but the result is no different, the two Slaves are killed by the lantern force.

Onboard the hovercraft, Dawson continues to sing.

Dawson: I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
I want to know right now what will it be.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes or will it be sorry?

Pythona wields her two lightsabers against Crimmel. Eventually, the Cheveldae/Trammel clone, which for all practical purposes is a useless and embarrassing character, is killed by Pythona. Kol Skywalker and Shado Vao come to the scene. Pythona is no match for the two Jedi warriors and is killed in only a matter of seconds.


As Dawson finishes the chorus to his theme song, he fails to notice the Elongated Man stretching across the trees, forming a trampoline-like mesh in front of him. As the hovercraft is about to crash, the Phoenix Force comes to the rescue and burns Elongated Man to cinders. The hovercraft flies through the charred remains of Elongated Man.

Onboard the hovercraft, Dawson continues to sing.

Dawson: He showed up all wet on the rainy front step,
Wearing shrapnel in his skin,
And the war he saw lives inside him still;
It's so hard to be gentle and warm,
The years pass by and now he has granddaughters.

Kol Skywalker and Shado Vao battle Black Lantern Shaun Poteracki and Meriadoc Brandybuck, who wields a Blue Lantern ring. The battle between the Force wielders and ring bearers is spectacular. By using a combination of the Force and their lightsabers, BL Poteracki falls and turns to ash. Brandybuck is lucky and actually kills Vao, but Skywalker exacts a “return”, never “revenge” and kills Brandybuck.

Onboard the hovercraft, Dawson continues to sing.

Dawson: I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
I want to know right now what will it be.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes or will it be sorry?

Yellow Ring Guy Gardner and Larfleeze join the fray and attack Kol Skywalker. Larfleeze wields both his ring and Count Dooku's red lightsaber, while Gardner uses not only his yellow, but Alan Scott’s green and a red lantern ring. As Skywalker is about to be killed by the superior Midget force, Luke’s descendent is joined by Zilius Zox and Shindor of Brontic. Zox falls to Larfleeze, who is, in turn, killed by Brontic and Skywalker. Gardner flies for reinforcements to battle the Jedi-Sith combination. Gardner comes back with the Phoenix Force. Although the fight takes longer than expected due to the ferocity of both Brontic and Skywalker, the two fall to the Phoenix Force-Gardner combo. The two then rise to the sky and join their other flying teammates.

Onboard the hovercraft, Dawson continues to sing.

Dawson: You look at me from across the room,
You're wearing your anguish again ;
Believe me I know the feeling,
It sucks you into the jaws of anger.
So breathe a little more deeply my love,
All we have is this very moment;
And I don't want to do what his father,
and his father, and his father did,
Iwant to be here now.

The hovercraft dwellers do not see the Contra duo of Bill Rieser and Lance Bean beneath them. With two perfect shots, Rieser takes out Pacey and Bean takes out Joey. Before the two can fire upon Dawson, Gwildor grabs Dawson.

Gwildor: You will not die today, Dawson!

Gwildor uses the Cosmic Key to transport them away from the hovercraft which then smashes into the ground, killing both Rieser and Bean who were in its path.

In the sky, White Lantern Hal Jordan leads Guy Gardner, Superboy, Star Sapphire #4, Indigo Lantern #2 and Katma Tui against Cassandra Nova and Wildabeest and Sunspot, who are riding on a Warolock-hovercraft-like vehicle.

Gwildor and Dawson are now on the ground when all of a sudden, Nosyarg Kcid (“Larry”) pops up. Dawson is seen shedding a tear for his fallen Creek comrades.

Nosyarg Kcid: I’m a huge fan Dawson!!! I can fix this! I can fix this!

Gwildor: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Although Larry attempts to assist his teammate and warp reality, he just does not get it quite right. In the next instant, all eyes are on both the Phoenix Force and Runner. Their essences mesh and the lethal combination of universal forces overload and cause a cataclysmic blast that destroys all in its path, being WL Hal Jordan, Guy Gardner, Superboy, Star Sapphire #4, Indigo Lantern #2, Katma Tui, Cassandra Nova, Wildabeest, Sunspot and Warlock perish.

Larry, Gwildor and Dawson look to the sky in utter horror at the events which have befallen their teammates.

Larry: Did I cause that?!?

Gwildor: I. . . think. . . you. . . did.

Dawson: Actually, I don’t think so. Although one may argue that you were an impetus for the event due to your repeated f@ck-ups, if I am truly correct in my assumptions, the primordial forces of the two teams attracted one another and subsequently merged due to their natures in an ultimate cosmic cataclysm. We were lucky to survive. If we were in the sky, there would be none of us left.

Gwildor and Larry look at one another. They smile and say in unison: Dawson you may finish now.

Dawson: So open up your morning light,
And say a little prayer for I;
You know that if we are to stay alive,
Then see the peace in every eye.