Season 5, Week 5: Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

“The rockin’ and f@ckin’ mighty Houslander I be,
Killing all you F@cks that dare to confront me;
So quake in fear and pull off thine britches,
And feel my c@ck up thine tight a$$ b&tches!!!”

-Black Lantern Nick Houslander

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 5 Match located on the Playoff Planet. They are as follows:

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: White Lantern Hal Jordan, Nosyarg Kcid (Larry), The Phoenix Force, Azazel, Twincast and Soundblaster with Decibel and Legout, Black Lantern Rumble, Black Lantern Laserbeak, Black Lantern Squawktalk, Black Lantern Beastbox, Zombie (movie) Frenzy, Zombie Overkill, Bill Kelley (with a green lightsaber, with Salacious Crumb, Artie, and Leech in a 1996 Ford Mustang Cobra with a 5.4 Litre Super-charged V-8, black on black leather, 5 speed manual transmission, nitrus-injected, dual media stereo, Tri-Eye, Bleez, Katma Tui, Star Sapphire #4, Meriadoc Brandybuck (with a blue lantern ring), Larfleeze (with Count Dooku's Red Lightsaber), Indigo Lantern #2, Wheelie, Blue Devil, Deadpool (with a red lightsaber), Hammer Bros. Shaun Poteracki, Joey, Pacey, Dawson, Mouse Voltron, Black Lantern Omega Supreme, Darth Talon, Nightbrother #1, Dark Side Adept #1 and 2, Dark Side Acolyte #1 and 2, Pythona (with Asajj Ventress' 2 red lightsabers), Bontu Sitmus, Jinx, Link (from Zelda), Qwsp, Radagast the Brown, Quick Kick, Ewoks #44 and 45, Smurf #1.

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: The Serpent, Skadi: Herald of the Serpent (Merged w/ Shao Khan via hammer), Shao Kahn, Kuurth: Breaker of Stone (Merged w/ Gimli via hammer), Gimli, Nul: Breaker of Worlds (Merged w/ Beast Wars Megatron via hammer), Beast Wars Megatron, Skirn: Breaker of Men (Merged w/ Princess Leia via hammer), Princes Leia, Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans (Merged w/ Nightsister Sith Witch #1 via hammer), Nightsister Sith Witch #1, Mokk: Breaker of Faith (Merged w/ Blanka via hammer), Blanka, Greithoth: Breaker of Wills (Merged w/ Marv via hammer), Marv, Angir: Breaker of Souls (Merged w/ Beast Man via hammer), Beast Man, Anti Monitor, Black Lantern Galactus, Terrax, Firelord, Black Lantern Nick Houslander, Mandalorian Justin Oblak with Gears of War Lancer, Clone Darth Maul (taken Nightsister Sith Witch #15 as his apprentice), Nightsister Sith Witch #15, Supergirl (Ariella Kent), Shazam (Freddie Freeman), Black Lantern Shazam, Black Lantern Bizarro Superman and Bizarro Supergirl.

Let the battle begin. . .

Plains. . .

Dawson, Pacey and Joey walk through the fields. Dawson begins to sing.

Dawson: I don’t want to wait. . .

Black Lantern Night Houslander (hereinafter “BLNH”) flies to the trio’s location.

BLNH: Oh, Hell No!

Before Dawson can sing another line from his theme song, BLNH reaches the teenager and rips his heart out. He takes a bite out of the organ.

BLNH: Hmm. Tastes like chicken.

BLNH then focuses on the other Creek inhabitants. As he is about to set upon the remaining two teenagers, he is joined by Justin Oblak. Oblak uses his Mandalorian weaponry to kill Pacey. BLNH focuses on Joey. BLNH smiles as he creeps toward her.

BLNH: Let’s see if L. Ron Hubbard can help you now b@tch!!!

BLNH sodomizes the crooked-smiled character with his lantern ring. Oblak comes to the affair and puts Joey out of her misery before BLNH has “seconds.”

BLNH: Don’t do that again! When my woman wants me, she wants me!!!

The two fly off together.

City-Upper Level. . .

Radagast the Brown stands before Smurf #1, Qwsp, Nosyarg Kcid (Larry) and Link in an office building. They look through the spacious windows at the world below.

Radagast: Never before has a team attempted what we must.

The Fifth Dimensional water sprite looks to his other-dimensional brethren, Larry, and nods.

Smurf #1: When will it happen Radagast?

Ewoks #44 and 45 (in unison): Opahnee ma herteee!

Radagast: The answers to your questions are as follows. . . When the match commences. . . . The loss of the few for the sake of the many. . . (whispers to himself) May G-d have mercy on all of our souls. . . .

City-Lower Level. . .

A fully, decked-out 1996 Ford Mustang Cobra races through the streets. Bill Kelley, Salacious Crumb, Artie and Leech yell at one another as the car aims at Clone Darth Maul and Nightsister Sith Witch #15 (hereinafter “NSW15”). Both Maul and NSW15 leap out of the way of the oncoming vehicle and twist around in mid-air. As they turn, they manage to use their weaponry to lop off the heads of both Artie and Leech. Bill Kelley screams while Salacious Crumb laughs at the misfortunes of their fellow travelers.

Bill Kelley: I’m gonna get my a$$ out of here!!! I want to live!!!

Kelley sees Azazel in the middle of the street and attempts to take the life of the demon before driving to safety. Azazel teleports and Kelley drives away through the brimstone smoke. Both Maul and the Sith Witch, as well as Azazel, fume as they see Crumb flipping them “the bird” as they race away.

Mountains. . .

The “Hammer Clan” walks together along the mountainous path before them. They are overseen by Black Lantern Galactus and the Anti-Monitor, who float above them.

Princess Leia: None will stand before us today!

Gimli: All will die before us today!

Shao Khan: We will decimate the Midgets today!

City-Upper Level. . .

Radagast closes his eyes and whispers one simple word: Now.

Mountains. . .

The Phoenix Force soars to the scene and looms over the entire “Hammer Clan.” In an instant of sacrifice for the greater Midget good, the Phoenix Force uses its entire essence containing all of the cosmic energy held within. Its being becomes one with the universe itself and the Phoenix Force explodes into a black hole which not only takes its own life, but the lives of Galactus, Anti Monitor and the Serpent. The onetime followers of the hammer notice that they have been ripped from their respective hammers as a result of the catastrophe. Thus, Skadi: Herald of the Serpent is no longer merged with Shao Khan, Kuurth: Breaker of Stone is no longer merged with Gimli, Nul: Breaker of Worlds is no longer merged with Beast Wars Megatron, Skirn: Breaker of Men is no longer merged with Princess Leia, Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans is no longer merged with Nightsister Sith Witch #1, Mokk: Breaker of Faith is no longer merged with Blanka, Greithoth: Breaker of Wills is no longer merged with Marv and Angir: Breaker of Souls is no longer merged with Beast Man. The characters are simply that-combatants without their hammer enhancements.

City-Upper Level. . .

Radagast closes his eyes, once again, knowing that his team’s plans have been successful in its first implementation. He then whispers the word again: Now.

Sky. . .

The Midgets’ White Lantern Hal Jordan rises high above the battlefield contained within the planet.

White Lantern Hal Jordan:
I Am The Brightest Day That Ends The Night,
I Have Come To Bring You Home To Light;
Those Who Have Risen Up To Fight,
Surrender To The Color White!

As seen previously in his lifetime, White Lantern Hal Jordan wielded the power of light and demonstrated the ability to create additional rings restoring heroes claimed by Necron back to life. In this battle, he uses his ability to restore all Black Lanterns back to life-at the cost of his own life. Thus, the entire Black Lantern forces on both sides of the battle are ripped from their rings and the characters are now simply that- combatants without their Black Lantern enhancements. The former lantern combatants have no time to think upon their current predicament and enter, once again, into battle across the planet as they have been shuffled across the way by this Watcher.

City-Upper Level. . .

Supergirl, Bizarro Supergirl and Shazam (FF) all break through the glass of the high rise.

Radagast: What has been discussed by this Brain Trust is now done. We will die with dignity and honor.

Bizarro Supergirl: No dignity. No honor. Just death.

The three super figures easily dispel with (in brutal fashion) the “Brain Trust” of Radagast the Brown, Smurf #1, Ewoks #44 and 45, Qwsp, Nosyarg Kcid (Larry) and Link.

Forest. . .

Nick Houslander, normal human, stands with Gimli.

Gimli: Stand behind me and I shall protect you!

Houslander: I don’t need any protection!

Gimli: Young Houslander-you are without your black lantern powers and now, more importantly, you are without your “beer muscles!”

Houslander: Dwarf has a point.

The two look to see Quick Kick and Hammer Bros. Shaun Poteracki.

Houslander: You take Mr. Kung Fu; I have HB Shaun P%ssy!

Houslander rushes at HBSP and is struck in the skull with a hammer. Houslander falls to the ground, discombobulated. As HBSP is about to deliver the final blow, Gimli turns from his battle with Quick Kick and throws his axe at Houslander’s opponent. HBSP is struck in the face with Gimli’s axe and falls to the ground, dead. Gimli, now without his weapon, is killed by the superior fighting force of Quick Kick. Quick Kick runs at Houslander. Oblak flies to the scene. Quick Kick is then ripped apart by Oblak’s Gears of War lancer. Oblak reaches down and picks Houslander up. A tender moment occurs when the two look into each other’s eyes.

Houslander: Thanks, Oblak.

Oblak: No problem, friend.

The men hold one another in an embrace a little too long. Deadpool drops from a branch overhead and uses his red lightsaber to cut both in half in one fell swoop.

Meanwhile, Jinx and Blue Devil face Princess Leia, Marv, Blanka and Beast Man. The G.I. Joe Ninja immediately bests Princess Leia and runs her through with her sword. As Jinx pulls the sword from Leia’s body, she is ripped apart by Beast Man. The acrobatic Blue Devil uses his enhanced abilities in order to avoid Marv’s bullets. He reaches Marv and snaps Marv’s neck. Blue Devil is then set upon by both monsters, Beast Man and Blanka and is killed.

City-Lower Level. . .

The decked-out ’96 Mustang screeches its tires down the city streets.

Bill Kelley: I need to calm down and relax!!!

Kelley turns on the radio and the song “Muskrat Love” is on. He blares the Captain and Tennille song as it is one of his favorites. Crumb cackles. Above, Firelord hears the music.

Firelord: I have a flaming staff for that flaming piece of turd of a song.

Firelord unleashes the power cosmic through his staff and the Mustang, along with its driver and rider are disintegrated.

Sky. . .

Tri-Eye, Bleez, Katma Tui, Star Sapphire #4, Meriadoc Brandybuck (with a blue lantern ring), Larfleeze (with Count Dooku's Red Lightsaber) and Indigo Lantern #2 battle Supergirl (Ariella
Kent), Shazam (Freddie Freeman), Shazam, Bizarro Superman and Bizarro Supergirl. Bizarro Supergirl and Indigo Lantern #2 battle to a standstill. The scales tip as Supergirl comes to her counterpart’s aid and together, the two, kill Indigo Lantern #2. Meanwhile, the two Shazams defeat and kill both Star Sapphire #4 and Meriadoc Brandybuck. The experienced and primary wielder of the orange light uses both his ring powers and Dooku’s lightsaber to behead and disembowel Shazam-FF. In response, both Bizarros come together and bash Larfleeze’s skull in. Tri-Eye, Bleez and Katma Tui come together and the trio focuses on the Bizarros. Bizarro Supergirl is destroyed in the melee, but Supergirl, Shazam, Bizarro Superman and Firelord (who enters the fray) best the lanterns and Tri-Eye, Bleez and Katma Tui are killed.

City-Lower Level. . .

A sole Beast Wars Megatron faces the daunting robotic force of Twincast and Soundblaster with Decibel and Legout, Rumble, Laserbeak, Squawktalk, Beastbox, Zombie (movie) Frenzy, Zombie
Overkill, Wheelie, Omega Supreme and Mouse Voltron. Beast Wars Megatron focuses on the one
opponent he can beat without question-Mouse Voltron. BWM destroys Mouse Voltron and is then set upon by the unleashed weaponry of his foe. As Beast Wars Megatron is about to fall, Terrax, Firelord, Supergirl, Shazam and Bizarro Superman fly to the scene. The fight that follows is epic, but is dizzying at the same time due to the speed of the combatants. Beast Wars Megatron in a weakened condition earned at the beginning of the skirmish still manages to destroy Wheelie and Rumble before succumbing to his ultimate fate. BMW is destroyed by the combined animalistic force of Zombie Overkill, Beastbox, Squawktalk and Laserbeak. The super-powered fighters of the Kennelz focus on their enemy. In spectacular fashion, Supergirl and Shazam destroy Twincast and Soundblaster with Decibel and Legout, while Bizarro Superman destroys Zombie (movie) Frenzy. Zombie Overkill and Beastbox focus on Supergirl and manage to finish her with the assistance of Laserbeak and Squawktalk, once again. In response, the power cosmic wielders unleash their fury at the Transformers. Firelord takes to the skies and destroys Squawktalk and Laserbeak, while Terrax destroys Beastbox and Zombie Overkill. Omega Supreme focuses on Firelord and kills the Galactus herald.

Forest. . .

The two teams force wielders face each other. Darth Talon, Nightbrother #1, Dark Side Adepts #1 and 2, Dark Side Acolytes #1 and 2, Bontu Sitmus, and even Pythona (since she wields Asajj Ventress’ lightsabers) come together to battle Clone Darth Maul, Nightsister Sith Witch #15 and Nightsister Sith Witch #1. Clone Maul and SW15 use their instinctual bonds as Master and Apprentice to easily dispel with Nightbrother #1, Dark Side Adepts #1 and 2, as well as Dark Side Acolytes #1 and 2. Darth Talon and Pythona combine forces to kill Nightsister Sith Witch #1. NSW15 breaks off from Clone Maul and strikes Pythona down with a jolt of force lightning and a well placed spear. Bontu Sitmus and Darth Talon come together; Yoda’s trainer and Krayt’s weapon. Clone Darth Maul and NSW15 do not stand a chance against the superior Force-wielders and perish in the battle.

Final Battle. . .

The remaining combatants, their squads decimated, face one another, Azazel, Deadpool (with a red lightsaber) Omega Supreme, Darth Talon and Bontu Sitmus face Shao Kahn, Blanka, Beast Man, Terrax, Shazam and Bizarro Superman. Azazel and Darth Talon combine their art of sword mastery (and Force/mystical powers) to slice and dice both Blanka and Beast Man. The Emperor of Outworld uses his powers to best Darth Talon. In return, Azazel avenges his fight-mate and kills Shao Khan.

Deadpool (focused on Bizarro Superman): . . . At least I hide my ugliness. . .

Bizarro Superman becomes enraged and rushes at Deadpool. Deadpool uses his innate abilities to avoid Bizarro’s fists enough times (as well as the use of his lightsaber) in order to allow Bontu Sitmus to use his Jedi powers and lightsaber to best the Kennelz foe. Shazam rushes to the skirmish and strikes Deadpool down with a well placed hand through skull. In an act of self-sacrifice, which has been the theme of this battle, Omega Supreme rushes Terrax. Terrax manages to wield his power cosmic to fry Azazel, but is held firm by the giant robot. Omega Supreme overloads his circuitry and explodes, accidentally killing his own, Shazam, as Terrax manages to create a force field around himself, surviving the blow. With Omega Supreme now destroyed, Terrax looks to Sitmus.

Terrax: A worthy survivor for the Midgets. One deserving of another day. . . at another
time.

Terrax blasts the power cosmic at Sitmus who is incinerated.