Season 5, Week 5: Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs. The Transfoamers

“I’m lovin’ it!”
-Ronald McDonald

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 5 Match located on the Playoff Planet. They are as follows:

Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers: Kingdom Come Superman, Power Girl, Onslaught, The Stranger, Black Alice, Proteus, Kid Omega, Damien Thorn with yellow lantern ring, Mrs. Baylock, Damien Thorn's Rottweiler, Young Avengers: Patriot, Wiccan, Hulkling, Stature, Iron Lad, Speed, Hawkeye, Lord Dread, Black Lantern Black Adam, Dr. Voodoo, Predator #49, Terminator #39, Xenomorph #53, Sandworm # 2A, Fantomex with EVA, The Brain, Monsieur Mallah, General Immortus, Garguax, Madame Rouge, The Doom Patrol: The Chief, Robotman, Negative Man, Elasti-Woman, Mento, Ambush Bug and Ronald McDonald.

The Transfoamers: Megatron, Autobots #1-5, Ghosts #1-5, Starscream's Ghost, Transformers #1 10, Movie Jolt, Movie Arcee, Chromia, and Elita One, Movie Sideswipe, Movie Skids and Mudflap, Black Lantern Darth Rave, Sith Lord #16, Decepticons #8-10, Darth Desolous, Darth Zannah with Sith Lavarouk, Black Lantern Ms. Marvel and Black Lantern Sunstorm.

Let the battle begin. . .

City. . .

Ronald McDonald runs across the streets of the city landscape. His clothes are tattered, but his large shoes still manage to clunk on the pavement beneath his feet. McDonald screams to the city’s participants.

Ronald McDonald: There’s a little McDonald's in everyone. . . [Slogun- Canada, 2001]. . . and I don’t mean my immense c@ck!!!

Above the battlefield, General Immortus, Garguax and Lord Dread are stationed in a lavish high rise. Each looks at one another and shakes their heads in unison.

General Immortus: There is something extremely wrong with that man.

Garguax: Agreed; but amusing, nonetheless.

Below, Movie Sideswipe and Movie Jolt follow the clown. Sideswipe, in robot mode, uses his arm blades to crash through the debris which litters the city in an attempt to reach McDonald. Jolt uses his electric whips causing his own destruction in his search for the Happy Meal Peddler. The two Transformers reach McDonald. As they are about to kill McDonald, they are struck by forces which nearly decimate them. Jolt is hit by a nearly-nuclear explosive arrow shot by Hawkeye. Sideswipe is struck by Black Lantern Black Adam. After the initial explosion wears off, Jolt uses his whips to slice Hawkeye in half. Hulkling and Iron Lad join BL Black Adam and together, the three combine their abilities to destroy Sideswipe. The remaining Young Avengers enter the fray and along with BL Black Adams destroy Movie Jolt.

Plains. . .

Damien Thorn hovers over both Mrs. Baylock and his faithful Rottweiler. Baylock and the canine bow to the spawn of Satan and rush into battle. The two are met by Darth Zannah. The Bane protégé ignites her lightsaber while holding her Sith Lavarouk in her other hand. Baylock and the dog acknowledge that their lives are short in this world and charge Zannah. In one quick movement, Zannah’s Lavarouk strikes Baylock, while her lightsaber lops off the head of the dog. Baylock falls to the ground, mortally wounded. She calls out to Damien Thorn before she dies. Damien flies to the scene and uses his yellow ring to unleash a fiery demon projectile at Zannah. Zannah’s Lavarouk takes the brunt of the assault and is destroyed. As Zannah is about to gain her wits, she ignites her lightsaber. Zannah and Damien fight, but the demon-seed is no match for a Sith. Zannah strikes Damien down. Zannah smiles at her victory and then looks in dismay as she steers the saber toward herself; Kid Omega is responsible for this. Zannah manages to overcome her “Omega-induced” impulses through the Force. She then races toward her assaulter. She strikes Kid Omega down, but the victory is short-lived as Power Girl flies at supersonic speed to punch a hole through Zannah’s face.

City. . .

Ronald McDonald runs from one edge of the street to the other. He screams, once again.

McDonald: Nobody can do it like McDonald’s can. . . [Slogun- U.S.A., 1979]. . . and what I mean by that is shoving my fist up your a$$!!!

General Immortus looks to Lord Dread and Garguax, all without comment.

Mountains. . .

Movie Arcee, Chromia and Elita One stand side-by-side with one another. The sister Transformers face Predator #49, Terminator #39 and Xenomorph #53. Predator #49 uses his shoulder cannon to strike Arcee. Arcee is damaged, but not enough to stop her from tearing the Predator’s arms off and killing the hunter. Terminator #39 battles Elita One. Elita One eventually gains the upper hand and destroys the futuristic killer-of-man. Chromia takes on Xenomorph #53. Although Xenomorph #53 manages to spit its acid, partially damaging the Transformer, Chromia completes her task and kills the alien. Although the three Transformers are victorious, they are damaged. Proteus takes advantage of this fact as he arrives at the scene. Due to the fact that the Transformers are not actually “living beings” and are made of metal, Proteus is unable to possess any of them. Nonetheless, he uses his superior psionic abilities to transmute matter and the three Transformers melt into a puddle of liquid metal.

City. . .

Ronald McDonald accidentally runs into Movie Mudflap and Skids.

Ronald: Put a smile on. . . [Slogun- U.S.A., 2000]. . . your ghetto sacks of sh%t faces!!!

Movie Mudflap: Whaddat whitebread say?!?

Movie Skids: Ima gonna fry that ginger punk!

Before Skids and Mudflap can react, McDonald disappears.

Forest. . . .

Dr. Voodoo stands by Black Alice. Black Alice siphons some of Voodoo’s powers and the two face Ghosts #1-5. Using their combined abilities is more than a match for the common Ghost #1-5 characters. Ghosts #1-5 are destroyed. The two mystical warriors are joined by the Brain, Monsieur Mallah and Madame Rouge.

Monsieur Mallah: I hear the enemy approaching.

Dr. Voodoo and Black Alice create a bubble-like shield which encases the five. The bubble is repeatedly bombarded by weaponry from above. The Dope Fiends withstand the initial assault of Starscream’s Ghost and Black Lantern Sunstorm. With a combined burst of energy from the two
heightened Transformers, the bubble collapses. The Brain, Dr. Voodoo and Black Alice are instantly disintegrated. Madame Rouge uses her powers to match the form of Monsieur Mallah and the two apes take to the trees. Their attempted escape is short-lived as Mallah is killed by BL Sunstorm and Rouge is killed by Starscream’s Ghost.

City. . .

Ronald McDonald peeks his head out from under a garbage bin. He has lost the two robots and notices Sith Lord #16 nearby. McDonald screams.

McDonald: Look for the Golden Arches [Slogan-U.S.A.-1960s]. . . or my candy white a$$ as you take a look at my “special-sauced” bunghole!!!

Sith Lord #16 (hereinafter “SL16”) hears the commotion and walks over to the bin. He uses the Force to lift the clown from the container. As he is about to deal the death blow, he faces the Doom Patrol. SL16 easily dispels with The Chief. Ambush Bug teleports behind the Sith Lord. Although Ambush Bug manages to strike the force wielder initially, SL16 utilizes the Force to sense his next attack and Ambush Bug is killed. Negative Man passes through SL16 before SL16 can strike him down. Robotman, Mento and Elasti-Woman barrage SL16 in a furious attack, but all fall to the superior opponent. Since SL16 has killed the entire Doom Patrol, he slowly walks toward McDonald. He never makes it as he is struck down and killed by Kingdom Come Superman. Ronald McDonald scampers out of the garbage bin and waves at KCS as he flies away.

Desert. . .

Autobots #1-5, Transformers #1-10 and Decepticons #8-10 combine their forces into an immense robot battalion. The metallic force attempts to locate prey. They feel the ground shake beneath them as Sandworm #2A bursts from the sands below. The robots-in-disguise batter Sandworm #2A, but the sheer immensity of the beast manages to destroy all robots. The deaths of so many Transformers at the maw of Sandworm #2A is not at a price though. Mortally wounded, Sandworm #2A crawls along before being destroyed by Starscream’s Ghost and BL Sunstorm, which arrive at the scene simply to finish their brethren’s job.

City- Street Level. . .

Mudflap and Skids bump into Ronald McDonald again. McDonald runs away from the robot duo, but then decides to turn around. He pulls down his pants and screams.

McDonald: It’s a good time for the great taste of McDonald’s [Slogun- U.S.A.-1984]. . .

McDonald proceeds to inappropriately gesture at the robots. As the two Transformers are about to unleash their fury upon the sick-minded clown, they are simultaneously struck by Power Girl. The two are leveled to the ground. They look up and see Onslaught. Onslaught uses his bag of abilities - telekinesis, energy projection and manipulation of magnetic fields- destroys the two with the assistance of Power Girl’s (who has rushed from the Plains to the City) repeated pounding. Ronald is saved once again and runs off, screaming.

McDonald: Enjoy more [Slogun-U.K. 1997]. . . of my c%ck in ass!!!

Space. . .

Megatron flies above the city. He sees Fantomex riding EVA nearby. Megatron takes only moments before he destroys EVA, and in turn, Fantomex. As he is about to unleash his fury upon the remaining Dope Fiends, in an instant, he is destroyed by the Stranger’s cosmic power. It is an embarrassing battle that is over before actually starting.

City-Upper Level. . .

Garguax: What is wrong with that clown?

Dread: Man is sick!

BL Ms. Marvel: . . . and you are dead!

BL Ms. Marvel discharges explosive blasts of radiant energy which not only destroys the window the three stands behind, but decapitates Garguax. As Immortus and Dread are about to run away, Black Lantern Darth Rave carrying Darth Desolous enter the high rise. The two Darths easily make fodder of both Immortus and Dread.

Final Battle. . .

Ronald McDonald races across the center of the battlefield.

McDonald: It’s Mac Time [Slogun- Australia- 1992]. . . you Transfoamer Tw%ts!!!

BL Darth Rave and Darth Desolous are too much for the entire Young Avenger clan. All members of the superhero team are destroyed by the two Sith Lords. In turn, the two Sith are killed by the combined force of BL Black Adam, Onslaught and Proteus; BL Black Adam also falling in battle.

BL Ms. Marvel unleashes her combined “natural” abilities with her black lantern powers and kills Power Girl. The mutant duo of Onslaught and Proteus then destroy BL Ms. Marvel.

Starscream’s Ghost and BL Sunstorm know that it is near the end. They focus their attention on the one constant irritant of the match: Ronald McDonald. Together, they unleash a fury of weaponry and destruction at the clown. Proteus pushes McDonald out of the way and to safety, suffering the brunt of the force that the two had to offer. Proteus is killed. McDonald runs out of his safe zone at the two Transformers and is about to scream when The Stranger puts his finger over his mouth and whispers.

The Stranger: Ssshhhhhh.

McDonald is silenced, for once. In the next instant, The Stranger unleashes his full cosmic power fury upon the robots, knowing that by doing this death will be imminent. Both Starscream’s Ghost and BL Sunstorm are destroyed, at the sacrifice of The Stranger.

McDonald looks to the two other remaining survivors.

McDonald: After all we’ve been through. . . You deserve a break today. [Slogun- U.S.A.-1980].