Season 10, Week 9: Better Than All Of You vs. Ahsoka's Acrobatic Assassins

Better Than All Of You are: Black Panther, Shuri, Okoye, Nakia, M’Baku, Hulk Hogan, and Predators #13-15

Ahsoka’s Acrobatic Assassins are: Spider Woman, Ethan Hunt w/ Indigo Lantern Ring, and Elves #1-4


Finally, after ten long seasons of Fantasy Fantasy action, it comes to this. It is, perhaps, the most pivotal match in the history of this great League. Two teams, one apartment, and no time for losers. Who will walk away as the undisputed champions of Season X? Who will be dragged away in several Hefty trash bags, guaranteed to contain blood and viscera better than store brand?

Outside the door to Josh’s apartment, Better Than All Of You plans their grand entrance. Black Panther holds an ear to the wall. “Do you hear anything, brother?” asks Shuri. “It sounds like… television. Television and girlish sobbing?” M’Baku raises an eyebrow, skeptical. “Are you certain you’ve got the right apartment, T’Challa?” A geriatric Hulk Hogan shoves his way past the Wakandans and invisible space monsters on his team. “Well I’ll tell you what I hear, BROTHER. I hear a grown man dressed as a kitty cat is pussyfooting around in the hallway, and HULKAMANIA don’t feel like running MILD today!” With his expertise in WWE breakaway prop doors, Hogan throws his weight into the apartment door. He crashes to the ground along with it, writhing in pain as his brittle hip shatters. T’Challa and Okoye are the first through the door, fighting stances ready for whatever dastardly trap the Assassins have prepared.

Earlier, Spider-Woman and Ethan Hunt sat down on the couch in front of the TV. One Elf stood beside the screen, two more at the end of the hallway, and one by the dining table. Spider-Woman flipped through channels before settling on one. “Here we go, The Notebook. Have you seen this one? It should be perfect.” Ethan looked deeply uncomfortable. “I don’t know, Jessica, are you sure about this? Is there even a motorcycle chase, or any explosions? It seems kinda gay. I’m not gay, I swear to you, I love women. Your uh… your butt is totally more rockin’ than a man’s chiseled, muscular- I’M NOT GAY!” She laid a hand on his shoulder, her expression one of concerned sympathy. “Of course not, Tom- er, Ethan. You’re a man’s man. Let’s just give this a try, though, that ring might be the strongest thing about our lineup this week.”

As the Betters burst through the door, the Assassins’ Elves let loose with a suppressing fire of arrows. Black Panther and Okoye were prepared, and they knocked away the arrows as they came. Ethan Hunt remained on the couch, weeping openly and hugging a pillow in the fetal position. As Okoye began to move toward the crying man, a sudden surge of fear washed over her. From the ceiling above them, Spider-Woman’s potent pheromones wafted down and hit the nostrils of her enemies as she swooped through the doorway. Nakia and Shuri, frozen in terror, were taken by surprise as Spider-Woman tackled them, each hand delivering a lethal dose of bioelectricity to the two Wakandan women. Enraged, T’Challa dove into the room, fighting solo with the four Elves, as Okoye overcame her fear and joined M’Baku in the hallway. Spider-Woman used her formidable dexterity to the fullest, dodging gorilla-strength fists, spear attacks, and Predator wrist-blades. M’Baku, still under the effects of her pheromones, got caught staring at Spider-Woman’s other formidable assets and was punished by another fatal venom blast. “Ethan! How’s it going in there, buddy?” Between sobs, Ethan cried out to her, “She remembered him, Jessica, she remembered the story in the notebook! Oh god, he just loved her so much!” His ring’s dim glow slowly began to grow in intensity. T’Challa finished off the Elves and joined his team in the hall. Spider-Woman’s luck ran out when one of the Predators fired his net gun, sending her to the floor. Okoye’s spear ran through her throat, and the surviving Wakandans turned to the room to finish off Ethan. As they approached, his bitter bawling reached a crescendo, and his ring glowed with a blinding Indigo light. Fueled by compassion, not only for Ryan Gosling but for the pain of all who were lost in the fight, the ring finally gathered enough power to activate teleportation.

The lava of Mount Doom engulfed the Wakandans and predators, while Ethan Hunt broke down on the rim of the volcano above. “I’M SO SORRY, EVERYONE! Oh, GOD, why do we keep fighting like this?! I just want to be loved the way Noah loved Allie!”