Week 2: The Underhills vs Sigmas

The Underhills: Sauron w/ The One Ring, Blue Wizard #1-2, Radagast the Brown, Arwen Evenstar w/ Hadafang, Ent #1-3, Isildur, Riders of Rohan #1-5, Green Lantern #1-4, Blue Lantern #1-2, Grishnakh, T-Rex #1-2

Sigmas: Legolas of the Woodland Realm, Witch King of Angmar w/ Mordor Horse, Smaug, Griffith, Starscream, John Rambo, Gigachad w/ green Lightsaber, Tree Sentinel #1-4

Alrighty folks, we’re back with the reboot and what better way for Z to start his 2023 writing performances than in Mirkwood forest. Now let’s get on with it and zoom in on Legolas of the Woodland Realm hanging out in a tree of his home territory…

So Legolas is just sitting there… BBQ sauce on his titties, and bam! Isildur comes riding by with some Riders of Rohan, although they do not notice the elf hidden amongst the trees. Legolas, in a frenzy, wipes away the BBQ sauce and draws his bow. Without hesitation, he lets one fly right into the eyehole of Rider #5. Before Isildur can even call out for his men to take cover, another arrow is sent into the neck of Rider #2, and then immediately after Rider #3 goes down, as well. Meanwhile, Griffith had used his causal awareness powers to realize that lathering BBQ sauce on titties would naturally draw men towards Legolas’ yard. With this knowledge, Griffith was hiding nearby and now prances towards the remaining men and slices and dices Riders #1 and #4. Legolas draws his bow to take out Isildur, but Griffith waves a hand to mean he wants Isildur for himself. Isildur sizes Griffith up, and takes a jab, then another, and a big slash… Griffith dodged each attempt with ease. Isildur didn’t even notice Griffith make a move, but he realized much had happened when his torso slid off of his bottom half. Legolas calls for Griffith to retreat, and they return back to the rest of the Sigmas.

Dawn strikes on the Underhills’ camp, and Arwen notices that Isildur and his men have not returned from their scouting report. The team accepts that they are likely dead and now must push forward without the scouting information they wished for. They decide to let the T-Rexes move ahead of the group and try to trample and destroy whatever path they can on the road to Legolas’ home. As they near the Woodland Realm Fortress, the group stays hidden amongst the treeline while the T-Rexes make some noise. This draws out the dreaded Smaug and he starts to light everything on fire with his dragon breath. Smaug then does a drive-by on the T-Rexes who stood no chance. Fire begins to spread quickly and Green Lantern #3 and #4 are soon covered in flames. They yell out (imagine Tommy Boy describing it) “OH MY GOD WE’RE BURNING ALIVE! NOO, I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!” The other two Green Lanterns can do nothing other than say “Ohhh myyy Gawd.” Tree Sentinels #1-4, who were patrolling the area, were also caught in Smaug’s rage and perished in the flames. Quickly the two Green Lanterns retaliate along with the Blue Lanterns to try and take down Smaug. It takes a great deal of effort through the cost of Blue Lantern #1-2 and Green Lantern #2, but Smaug is defeated. Through the great dragon’s fire fiasco, Ent #1-3 are awakened and decide to join the Underhill company to get revenge for their once tree friends who are now nothing but ashes. 

Arwen, leading the Underhills, notices the front gate is open and the bridge is down. She sees Legolas standing alone at the entrance. She decides it is best to enter the fortress there since it is nearly impossible otherwise. As they near, Legolas calls out “I figure it would be best to settle this in an all out duel. Let’s get this over with.” Arwen responds “my sentiments exactly.” Gigachad makes an appearance out of the castle and starts rushing the Underhills yelling “Bare knuckle box me right now!”, but Sauron lifts a finger and Gigachad gets smashed. The Underhills then start to advance as they are met with Legolas, Griffith, Rambo, and the Witch King of Angmar ahead of them. 

Arwen leads the way and is met with Griffith in front of her. He wishes to test her true fighting abilities. Griffith again waits for Arwen to strike first, but unlike Isildur she does not. He smirks, and strikes quickly at Arwen knowing that his blade will strike her down. As he passes by her, his smirk dwindles and he feels a rather odd feeling. He looks down and notices a large gash across his torso, then looks back to Arwen in confusion. Arwen states “I am blessed with foresight, you were easy to see.” and Griffith’s body falls to the floor. Arwen immediately starts… Oh my gawd, she is wittlwe gwiddying on Gwiffith’s body right now (some of the boomers might not get this reference). Legolas, who has seen enough, decides to betray his allegiance to Aragorn, and he lets an arrow fly through the heart of Arwen.

Meanwhile, Starscream finally makes his appearance and flies from behind to take out the last Green Lantern, as well as Grishnakh. He attempts another fly by, but the Ents work together to grab the sentient metal being mid-air. As they bring him to the ground, Starscream blows up into a million pieces taking out the Ents with him (classic Michael Bay style). Soon after, the Witch King advances on his Mordor Horse and is able to make work of Blue Wizard #1 and #2. As he moves onto his next target, he realizes it is none other than Sauron himself. Out of fear, the Witch King quickly bows to the mighty Sauron. Sauron, disgusted with his top man, sends a crushing blow to the head and destroys the once King of man. At the same time, an explosion goes off and Sauron looks up to see his ally, Radagast, perish. John Rambo saw that he could not match the wizard’s power, but he could at least kamikazee it.

All that stands is the Dark Lord of Mordor towering over Legolas. Legolas wishes it had gone differently, he wishes that Middle Earth did not have to be destroyed by Sauron, but he sees there is no stopping it now, he’s too late. Sauron does not wish for there to be suffering, he only wishes to rule all things in Middle Earth. However, he knows Legolas would never side with him, so he does what he must.