Season 5, Week 3: Tijuana Taco Benders vs. Logical Genocide

“I never put any form of meat in my mouth!”
-Darth Vegetariano


I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 3 Match located in Desert. They are as follows:

Logical Genocide: Sandworms #11 and #12, Zombie General Zod, Az-Rel, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Centerion #8 (Sue Yerazzov), Neo-Cymek #18 (Ed), Stryfe, Golden Army Soldiers #42 and #43.

Tijuana Taco Benders: Sand, Sandworms #9 and #13, Lavos, Sith Lord #18: Darth Barren, Sith Lord #19: Darth Vegetariano, Lady Deadpool, Cyber Force: Stryker, Cyblade, Ripclaw, Velocity, Ballistic, Heatwave and Impact and Buzz Lightyear and Woody.

Let the battle begin. . .

The monstrosities known as the Sandworms, specifically Sandworms #11 and 12 from Logical Genocide and #9 and 13 from the Benders immediately attack one another. Suffice it to say, the pieces of worms littering the sand are more than what one would see after the rains of Naboo. In the end, all Sandworms are decimated, leaving the remainder of the battle free from these Dune behemoths.

Sand uses his ability to control silica particles to create a disturbance around the combatants. Unfortunately for the Benders, a majority of LG’s team is impervious to the storm. Sand is quickly dispelled with by Stryfe.

Darth Barren ignites his lightsaber as he faces both Az-Rel and Zombie General Zod. Zombie General Zod flies toward Barren, who ducks out of the way and uses his lightsaber to slash Zod’s left arm off. Since Zod is a zombie, no pain ensues as he simply shrugs off this bodily loss.

Zod: I’m a righty anyway.

Zod flies at Barren again, enough to distract the Sith Lord. As Barren is focused on Zod, Az-Rel uses his heat vision to engulf Barren in flames. Zod uses his super speed to race around the Force wielder, barraging him with a battery of punches. Barren falls to his knees. Az-Rel then uses all of his strength to punch a hole through Barren’s chest. Az-Rel pulls out Barren’s heart. The Sith Lord falls to the sands below.

Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman (hereinafter “BL2B”) stands with Centerion #8 (Sue Yerazzov) since they are kindred-in-spirit. They watch as Golden Army Soldiers #42 and 43 battle the entire Cyberforce. Cyblade throws her blades of energy at Golden Army Soldier (hereinafter “GAS”) #42, who simply shrugs off the blows. Ballistic uses her marksmanship skills to fire
at the center of GAS #43’s head with her weapons. She, like Cyblade, is unsuccessful in her attempts to defeat the GAS force. GAS #42 and 43 slowly approach the two while they withstand the storms of weaponry unleashed upon them. GAS #42 grabs Cyblade and GAS #43 reaches Ballistic; the Cyberforce members boldly face their fates before the statuary.

The GAS duo approaches the remaining Cyberforce members. As they are about to decimate the Bender teammates, Stryker notices Woody being held by Buzz Lightyear. The two Toy Story mates are above BL2B and Sue Yerazzov. The two are pointing to the crown on Sue’s head.
Stryker sends Velocity to take the crown. Before Velocity can reach the two, Neo-Cymek-Ed reaches out and manages to catch Velocity’s leg. The force of Velocity running met by the strength of Ed causes Velocity to lose her left leg. The blood spouts from her groin.

BL2B: Damn!!! It isn’t even her time of the month yet and she’s bleeding like a stuck
pig!

Neo-Cymek-Ed grabs Velocity by the head and crushes her skull. Meanwhile, BL2B notices the toys above Yerazzov and himself.

BL2B: You aren’t worth anything to me if you aren’t mint in a carded box!!!

BL2B destroys the duo.

In response to seeing their teammates being decimated, Heatwave uses the full solar power of the desert to create an extreme plasma burst, which she sends at Yerazzov. Yerazzov is struck and both she and her crown (which has been controlling the GAS duo) are melted into a burst of flames. Since the crown is destroyed, so are the GAS. GAS #42 and GAS #43 are done.

Ed the Neo-Cymek battles the remaining Cyberforce members. Although the Neo-Cymek is eventually destroyed, he takes Stryker, Heatwave and Impact with him.

Darth Vegetariano battles Stryfe; the force wielder against the superhuman telekinetic. Stryfe’s armor manages to deflect most of the blows that Darth Vegetariano deals. Lady Deadpool and Lavos come to assist their Sith teammate. Stryfe manages to kill Lady Deadpool, but succumbs to the lethal combination of Lavos and Vegetariano. Lavos is pounced upon by Zod and Az-Rel. Lavos is eventually killed, as is Ripclaw, by the Kryptonian duo.

Darth Vegetariano is battered and on his knees. The Dark Side flows through the Sith Lord, allowing him to attempt and stand up. Zod and Az-Rel remedy this situation and push him back down. BL2B stands before the kneeling DV. Vegetariano looks up at BL2B. BL2B moves like he is unzipping his fly.

BL2B: I know you don’t like meat, but you haven’t tried Kosher. . .

BL2B laughs maniacally and then shrugs as he notices that he has no zipper on his costume. He approaches the downtrodden Vegetariano. He kneels next to the Sith and slips his face close to Vegetariano’s mug. He whispers to him.

BL2B (using his ring’s essence to enter into Vegetariano’s rectum): This is what some on the wrestling team call the “shocker.” I call it the “Radish Rip.”

DV screams as he is entered.

BL2B: And this is what some call the “Fister.” I call it the “Banana Blowback.”

DV screams even louder.

BL2B: I wish my friend didn’t have to go out of town; he’d love to have seen this. . . and
now for the “Endive Explosion.”

DV is ripped apart from the inside out. DV’s body parts litter the sands.

Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches Vs Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches are: Gladiator Voltron (#1-5), Soranik Natu, Chaos King, Zombie Abomination, Pre-suit Darth Vader, Matt Oblak (Mandalorian Armor, Green and Blue Lightsabers), Dr. Teresa Oblak (Blue and Green Lightsabers)

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are: Fremen #1, Anti-Monitor, The Serpent
The Worthy: Skadi: Herald of the Serpent (Merged w/ Shao Khan via hammer)
Nul: Breaker of Worlds (Merged w/ Beast Wars Megatron via hammer)
Angir: Breaker of Souls (Merged w/ Beast Man via hammer)
Greithoth: Breaker of Wills (Merged w/Marv via hammer)


Both teams are dropped about a mile apart. Fremen#1 disappears once he steps foot on the sand. The Voltrons take to the sky to scout for enemies. Soranik Natu incases herself and pre suit Vader in a force field . They two take to the sky’s to scout. Chaos king seems to disappear into a different realm. That may be cheating but I don’t make the rules, that’s just what I saw. Zombie Abomination must have no recollection of his previous life cause he’s just sitting on the ground using his own pee to make sand castles.

Gladiator Voltron # 4 detects life forms just Below him.

Voltron#:4 Guys I just spotted a barrel of fish. I can‘t resist, should only be about 5 min ill catch up with you.

Gladiator Voltron#1: Rodger, Rodger.

Gladiator Voltron#:4 Fly’s down and lands right on top of his target. His suit still shows signs of life, worried his suit has malfunctioning he runs some diagnostic tests. That’s when Dr. Teresa Oblak and her Husband Matthew Oblak Bust from the sand and slash the Robot, zord, or whatever you call it to pieces. The carnage doesn’t stop there, The Oblaks storm the zords control room and massacre all the surviving operators

They embrace each other and Teresa says “ we make the best team”. Matt frowns and say’s I know and that’s why this is so hard. Before Teresa has a chance to respond, Matt presses his light saber against her liver and turns its on.

Teresa: Bbabaaaby WWHHWHY.

Matt Oblak: You know I love you, but I am 0-2. I just can’t lose this week, Trust me, it will all be worth it when I bring home the trophy, I’ll even let you touch it, LOVE YOU! STABE STABE STABE

Zombie Abomination gets a whiff of the fresh blood and race’s towards it at supper human speeds Just as it looks like he s going to get a two for one deal, Matt Oblak spin’s in just enough time to use his light sabers to scissor the top of Zombie Abomination’s head killing him instantly.

Gladiator Voltron#1 has spotted The Serpent and his worthy. He calls for his comrades to report to his location, but only 2 arrive.

Gladiator Voltron:1: What the hell happened to the others?

Gladiator Voltron:3: Well 5 just disappeared, and 4 got hacked to pieces.

Gladiator Voltron:1: Forget that right now we need to think about surviving, well bury them later. Right now we need to take these a**holes out. I am pretty sure we can still form Voltron with just the three of us.

MEANWHIALE………

Fear-Itself is at the base of a sand dune discussing tactics….When all of a sudden then they hear a loud noise and are crushed by the dune. It doesn’t take long for the Asgardians to bash their way out of the sand.Standing there is A giant six armed robot. Voltron gives them the bring it signal with all six hands. Big mistake. As the “worthy” gets a hold of them and smash the remaining Gladiator Voltrons to bit’s. Seeing his oportunity the Chaos king makes this move barreling towards The Serpent and his worthy. Before he get close enough for the Asgardians to notice him, Anti-Matter snatches him out of thin air. The Chaos kings is desperately trying to escape.

Anti-Matter : MMMMMHHHHH I‘ve never had Entity before.

Anti- Matter quickly sucks all of the energy out of the Chaos king

Anti-Matter: BEEELLLLLCCCCHHHHH!

Soranik Natu: Matt we need to find vader if we are going to have any chance at surviving.

Matt Oblak: Don’t worry everything will be over soon.

As Soranik Natu turns Anti-Matter steps on her as is he were putting out a cigarette.

All members of the Kennelz gather round as Matt Oblak Kneels down, removes his armor, and the uses his light saber to commit seppuku. Fremen #1 aids him.

Fremen#1: It was a good death.


Just as the Backyardigans enter their Locker room they are immediately confronted by the charred mostly dismembered body of Pre-Suit Darth Vader. He was still hooked up to a car batter . It Appears to be a message from the Kennelz

Season Five, Week Three: The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is: The Phoenix Force, Stilgar, Bat-Mite, Durge, Azazel, Dr. Liet Kynes, Dr. Pardot Kynes, Dr. Liet Kynes Ghola, Fremen #52-56, and Doozer #8.

Miley and Barack’s Commandos are: Earth 2 Superman, Optimus Prime (Orion Pax), Katniss Everdeen w/Green Lantern ring, White Lantern Deadman, Star Sapphire Fatality, Surtur, Heimdall, and The Captain (Immell #5) w/Captain America's Shield.




The sun begins to set as Heimdall, ever patient, sets his gaze upon the sprawling horizon as the dry desert air whips across the arid land. Quietly he waits upon a rock formation for the oncoming battle to which he already knows the outcome of. Katniss Everdeen flies up to him, courtesy of the Green Lantern Ring that chose her after the passing of her teammate, Taa, in last season’s playoffs. She’s hoping to gains some insight about today’s match from him.

“Heimdall, the look on your face?” says Katniss to her Asgardian teammate. “I know this pain. Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?”

The vigilant protector of the Bifrost Bridge slowly turns his attention to the teenager and calmly speaks, “No one can change your life except for you. Don’t ever let anyone step all over you.”

Filled with emotion, the green aura surrounding Katniss glows brighter in the fading sun’s light. “Heimdall, just open your heart and your mind. Is it really fair to feel this way inside?”

“Young Katniss,” Heimdall bellows with his smooth baritone voice, “Some day, somebody’s going to make you want to turn around and say goodbye. Until then baby are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry?”

Shocked by Heimdall’s bluntness and cold response, Katniss replies, “Don’t you know? Don’t you know things can change? Things will go our way if we just hold on for one more day. Can you hold on for one more day?”

Heimdall then drops to one knee and grunts in pain as he puts his hand to his head. “Unngggh. Katniss…. I feel strange.”

“I know that there is pain, Heimdall,” she replies. “But you hold on for one more day and break free the chains.”

“Hahahaha that was classic guys,” laughs Bat-Mite who appears out of thin air right behind Heimdall’s shoulder. “I can’t believe I was able to get you two to hold an entire conversation by using only lyrics from the phenomenal song “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips. Seriously, I’m crying from laughing so hard.”

The Asgardian’s grip on his sword tightens as his eyes burn with rage from such an invasion of his mind. Heimdall whips around and tries to remove Bat-Mite’s annoyingly big head from his annoyingly tiny frame, but the Imp from the 5th Dimension disappears just a quickly as he arrived. However Heimdall’s thirst for battle is soon quenched as Azazel teleports in with Durge, Doozer #8, the Kynes trio, Stilgar and his team of Fremen. Katniss flies up into the air and creates a green energy bow along with a quiver full of arrows. She quickly fires off several arrows, but the Fremen easily evade them. The rest of the Commandos led by Earth 2 Superman and Optimus Prime, rush in to aid their outnumbered comrades. The now cold night sky is filled with sand and dust that is being violently kicked up by the ferocious battle. Star Sapphire Fatality flies in and overwhelms Durge with a massive blast of violet energy, leaving nothing behind but a charred helmet.

Several puffs of red and black brimstone smoke surround The Captain, as he finds himself quickly on defense from Azazel’s dual sabers attack. The demonic mutant swipes furiously at the genetically spliced clone of Capt. Steve Rogers and Steve Yzerman, but The Captain blocks every blow with Captain America’s shield, a weapon that was bequeathed to him last season when the First Avenger fell in battle. The Immell is no match for the nearly immortal demon, as Azazel tires of this contest, grabs a hold of Steve’s shield, teleports it away and then reappears, driving both sabers into his opponent’s chest. Azazel then teleports away in attempts to ambush Heimdall. However this attack does not go quite as easily. Heimdall is fully aware of this attempt and readies his sword. The moment Azazel reappears, the Asgardian swings his mighty sword and cleaves Azazel in two. The red and black brimstone whisks through the air as Heimdall finishes through with his swing. The two halves of the Evil Midgets member tumble across the desert floor as the Dune squad advances their attack on the Commandos’ Lantern trio.

Stilgar and the Fremen fluidly move through the desert, completely at home in this terrain as they continue to evade the ring wielders’ energy blasts. Dr. Liet Kynes, his Ghola and Dr. Pardot Kynes triple team White Lantern Deadman as Stilgar and his Fremen attack Katniss and Fatality. Fremen #54 is taken out by several well placed green energy arrows as Fremen #52 and #56 are downed by Fatality’s more straight forward violet energy blasts. Stilgar flanks to the left and quickly ascend up to the top of a jagged rock that is jutting out of the sand. He silently leaps off of it as Fremen #55 is fending off Fatality. Stilgar, draws his crysknife from its sheath and plunges it deep into the back of Fatality. They both fall to the ground as Stilgar stands up victorious over Fatality and sending her to the Graveyard. Her Star Sapphire ring removes itself from her fingers and flies back to the Commandos locker room, where it will find itself and new wielder. Katniss takes careful aim and fires a double arrow shot which manages to take out both remaining Fremen as White Lantern Deadman now finds himself on the business end of a four on one, as Stilgar joins his close friends, the Kynes. But there is increasing rumble that shakes the desert ground. Dr. Liet Kynes Ghola is then eradicated from a power blast as Optimus Prime rolls in, transforms and lands with a purposeful thud, driving a plume of sand into the air in all directions. And crushing Doozer #8 in the process, a happy accident for the Commandos co-captain in this endeavor. Bat-Mite reappears again to lend a hand as the Dune trio now find themselves out gunned. Bat-Mite fires a magical bolt at Optimus, but it’s blocked by Heimdall’s sword. Heimdall then uses his sword to unleash the blue flame from countless cosmic suns. Unprepared for such a retaliation, bat-mite is caught by surprise and is destroyed by it.

There is a rush of air that whips over the desert as Earth Two Superman swoops in and takes out the father-son duo of Dr. Pardot Kynes and Dr. Liet Kynes. Stilgar now valiantly stands alone as he sees his chances of survival dwindle to the point of nothingness as the thousand foot tall behemoth, Surtur finally arrives. Defiantly until the end, Stilgar lunges towards Katniss, but is blocked by White Lantern Deadman. Katniss then fires green energy arrow after green energy arrow in Stilgar until he finally falls to the desert ground.

The members of the Commandos look to congratulate each other on a well fought, yet dominating performance, but Kal-L sees a look of despair in the eyes of Heimdall.

“This is far from over,” Heimdall boldly says to the rest of the team. The night sky then begins to brighten. “It is coming. And it’s coming to end us all.”

“What’s coming?” asks Katniss.

Heimdall looks up to the sky and says, “The Phoenix Force.”

And just as the Asgardian speaks those words, the cosmic entity makes its presence known and certainly felt. The Phoenix Force screeches through the sky and without even slowing down, completely and utterly annihilates Surtur. Optimus Prime looks at Earth Two Superman as they both know what must be done. Prime opens his chest up and pulls the Autobot Matrix of Leadership out. Earth Two Superman then uses is incredible strength to perform the world’s most unbelievable “Fastball Special.” Optimus soars through the air on a direct collision course with the Phoenix. He pulls the Matrix open and unleashes its full power. Heimdall takes aim with his sword and fires a joining shot as Katniss and White Lantern Deadman fly in to flank Optimus. Earth Two Superman leaps into the air and flies in as well to aid against this insurmountable attack. The Phoenix Force shrieks as the five different energy sources slam into it. But the cosmic entity continues to scorch the night sky and everything in its path. There is then a massive explosion that is so hot the desert sand is literally melted into sheet of glass. Earth Two Superman’s unconscious body falls from the heavens and impacts the ground with such force, the glass shatters through out the battlefield. Though unconscious, Kal-L miraculously manages to survive the near extinction of his team in what was once appeared to be an easy victory for the Commandos.

Season 5, Week 3: George Washington's Slaves vs. Better Than All of You

“Raahr. Raahr. Raaahr.”
-Azrael the Cat

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 3 Match located in the Desert. They are as follows:

George Washington’s Slaves: Kol Skywalker, Shado Vao, Cassandra Nova (with Demon Rod), Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez, Sandworms #15, #16, #17, #18, #19 and #20, and Azrael the Cat.

Better Than All of You: Father of Mortis, Daughter of Mortis, Son of Mortis, Space Godzilla, Blade with red lightsaber (from the Masters of the Universe movie), Granny Goodness, Female Furies: Gilotina, Lashina with Atlas Axe, Stompa with Heat Axe, Bernadeth with Halberd and Mad Harriet.

Let the battle begin. . .

Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez (hereinafter “JSVLR”) sees the Female Furies and smiles. He brings his sword out from its scabbard.

JSVLR: I am Juan Sánchez Villa Lobos Ramírez, Chief metallurgist to King Charles V of Spain and I'm at your service.

Gilotina crouches down and slowly moves her hands in a combat stance. The swords of JSVLR and Gilotina dance. Due to the hundreds of years of practice before, JSVLR gains the upper hand and eventually manages to strike the swords out of Gilotina’s hands. He kicks her to the ground.

JSVLR: There is nothing better than a b@tch on the ground before me!

Just as JSVLR is about to thrust his sword into Gilotina, Lashina uses her electronically charged whips on the immortal. The whips grab JSVLR and the charge vibrates throughout his body. JSVLR screams and drops his sword. Kol Skywalker rushes to the scene and uses his lightsaber to slice through the whips. Lashina brings out her Atlas Axe, but is too late as the Jedi cuts her and her weapon in half. Blade comes to the fray and uses his lightsaber against Skywalker. The two fighter’s blades clash, but Kol gains the upper hand against the MOTU character. Just as Kol is about to kill his foe, Bernadeth throws her fahren knife at the Jedi. The knife strikes Skywalker in the chest and he shouts in agony as he burns from the inside out. Mad Harriet wields her energy claws at the enemy. She is about to lash out at JSVLR when she trips on Azrael the Cat, who walks behind her. As Mad Harriet is about to get up, Azrael hisses. The cat’s victory is short lived as Stompa crushes the animal beneath her boot. Stompa’s decimation of Azrael causes a seismic shift in the sands below. The sands explode upward around the combatants, blinding all parties.

The combatants gain their footing just in time for Sandworm #15 to burst from the ground. Space Godzilla focuses on Sandworm #15. Space Godzilla is joined by Son of Mortis and Daughter of Mortis in their doppelganger modes. The immense creatures combine their strengths with one another and manage to slowly tear apart the Dune inhabitant. Sandworm #15 bucks, but Godzilla deals the death blow and kills the beast. Thinking that their task is done with Sandworm #15, Son of Mortis and Daughter of Mortis transform into their humanoid forms. As they smile at one another, they are engulfed by Sandworms #16 and 17 and killed.

Granny Goodness sees JSVLR. JSVLR smiles at the old, ugly woman before him. Goodness races over to JSVLR and breaks his neck before he can make a snide remark. She then looks to Gilotina who exacts her revenge and slices his head off his body with her bear hands. Gilotina turns only to see her own head being taken from her body by Shado Vao’s lightsaber. Granny Goodness screams and rushes Vao. She is held in place as Cassandra Nova uses her telekinetic powers to grab hold of the Darkseidian elite member. Goodness is then cut in half by Vao while she is held in place by Nova.

Nova holds her demon rod in place while Vao has his lightsaber. They face the remaining Furies and Blade. Vao manages to kill Mad Harriet, but loses his life to Stompa’s heat axe and the combined weaponry of Bernadeth’s halberd and fahren knife. As Blade and the women approach Nova to complete their deadly task, Nova reaches out to beneath the sands. In a miraculous minute, the Sandworms strike at precisely the correct time and focused on the sole individuals above them. Nova levitates above the ground as Sandworms #16, 17 and 18 burst forth. Sandworm #16 engulfs Bernadeth, who loses her weapons (and life) in the effort. Sandworm #17 destroys Blade. Sandworm #18 kills Stompa before she can shift her feet.

Father of Mortis is now riding Space Godzilla. Nova lands on Sandworm #19. The two forces battle one another and through the Force and sheer brutality, they manage to destroy Sandworm #19. Nova lands on Sandworm #20 after the skirmish, who manages to finish the job, with the assistance of the remaining Sandworms.

Season 5 week 3- Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies

Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family is:
White Lantern Batman
Kingdom Come Wonder Woman
Kingdom Come King Marvel
Kingdom Come Lady Marvel
Kingdom Come Power Woman
Kingdom Come Donna Troy
Fremen #64, 65, 66, 67, 68 & 69
The Allia Atreides Ghola
Ant Man II


Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies are:
Quintus Lentulus Batiatus
Lucretia Batiatus
Spartacus
Crixus
Gannicus
Oenomaus (Doctore)
Agron
Barca
Varro
Naevia
Mira
Melitta
Jawa #1
Jawa #2
Jawa #3
Jawa #4
Jawa #5
Jawa #6
Sandworm #1
Sandworm #2
Sandworm #3
Sandworm #4
Sandworm #5


"Spartacus" says Onomaus "I have returned from scouting. There is much to tell you"

"Well, out with it." replies Spartacus "What have you learned of our foes?"

"It is as you thought, they have massive amounts of power, but seem to lack honor. As I left the ones deemed King and Lady Marvel were taking their time torturing and maiming the scouts of Jawas we sent. Mira and Melitta were also slain by the representatives of the Amazons-Wonder Woman and the one called Donna Troy."

"Amazons" sneers Spartacus as his spits on the ground "we shall see how they fare against one more adapt at battle "Come Onomaus, let us make our way to the battle. Quintis, Lucretia. You and the small hooded one know what to do"

"Utinni!!" proclaims the final surviving Jawa, Jawa #4 solemnly.

The two stalk towards the current massacre that Layander is subjecting the Murderflies to. It's beyond vile and disgusting what's being done to the Murderflies.

"AMAZONS!" bellows Spartacus "I have always know you to be without honor, this display proves it. You DARE to inflict such carnage unto being with lesser power and prowess than you."

"Watch your tone, Spartacus." warns KC Wonder Woman. "Else you be forced to back up your words"

"I fear nothing, cow" Spartacus shoots back "You Amazons are craven and honor less. You disgrace the sands with this so-called battle. I vow to avenge my fallen teammates by taking you on in a one on one contest. Lest you consider a fair fight in your skill set."

"Diana, careful" urges KC Donna Troy "Spartacus is a strong warrior, and a wily competitor."

"You may be right" begins KC Wonder Woman when all of a sudden a spear flies through the air and goes right though KC Donna Troy's eye socket.

"Enough talk, Amazon. I crave action and vengeance" proclaims Spartacus

"You have made a grave error" growls KC Wondy "LAYANDER! GATHER ROUND AND WITNESS THE FURY OF AN AMAZON'S RAGE"

"Perfect" smirks Spartacus "Wait for my signal, then do as we discussed." he says to Oenomaus

"Aye, may the gods protect you Spartacus"

"And you, now make haste. I don't think I can hold her long"

With that Spartacus saunters into the circle of Layander's still perfectly in tact team. He sees the corpses of his teammates Crixus, Gannicus, Agron, Barca, Varro, Naevia, Mira, the Jawas and Melitta strewn about and defiled by the sadistic Kitties. As he says a silent prayer for the fallen, White Lantern Batman catches his eye. He mouths an apology to Spartacus, but Spartacus just ignores him and steadies himself for battle.

"Prepared to die?" asks KC Wonder Woman

"After you, harlot" he calmly replies
The two launch into a fierce, pitched battle the clang of swords reverberates across the desert. During the fight Spartacus screams out about "The gods of the sands preserve me!!" and Oenomaus hurries back to his three awaiting teammates.

Spartacus puts forth a valiant battle, but KC Wonder Woman is simply no match for him. She batters him about, and the pulls him in close
"Any last words, fool?" she says

"Yes. I'll see you all in HELL" he screams and spits blood in her face.

Wonder Woman's face twists into a rage as she grabs Spartacus' head and prepares to snap his neck, when all of a sudden, the ground begins to quake and Allia Atreides Ghola's eyes widen in terror

"Oh gods! No!! NOOOOoooOOOO!!!" she screams, but it's too late. The desert floor explodes as the Murderflies Sandworms are released into the battlefield and begins to lay waste to the sitting ducks of Layander.
"Gods" whimpers Wonder Woman who drops Spartacus to the sand as the massive Sandworm #1 opens it's jaws to devour them both.

"T'was a good day, to die" says the broken Spartacus as he tumbles with Wonder Woman down the massive creatures throat.

"Utinni" says Jawa #4 after the attack, and salutes his fallen comrade.

Week Three Schedule

WEEK Three: Desert
300 Points
Prize: M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher

Horsemen of Apokolips vs The Transfoamers (Josh)
Better Than All of You vs George Washington’s Slaves (Becks)
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos (Ryan)
Logical Genocide vs Tijuana Taco Benders (Becks)
TEAM vs Xavier’s Annihilation Squad (Goof)
Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches vs Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (Griffin)
Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies vs Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make a New Family (Seeney)
Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs Team Sleeping Pussy (Josh)

Week Two Standings

Spoiler Sport- FFL Week Two Wrap Up.

This is the Ocho, my name is Cotton, and THIS is your week two Fantasy Fantasy League wrap up. Let's get to it.

We start with our "Match of the Week" Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to make a New Family vs Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches had a pulse pounding, high octane face off that saw a very game Orange Kitties really take the fight to the former FFL Champions B3. But, sole survivor Wolverine really put on a clinic this week, showing why B3 is 2-0 this season. Hella of a contest and a hard fought win for the Beeyatches.

Another big story this week is the emergence of white power this week, as we saw the FFL debuts of White Lantern Hal Jordan for "The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets", White Lantern Sinestro for "The Horsemen of Apokolips", and White Lantern Batman starting for " Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to make a New Family". It's looking like having former experience ring slinging really helps one utilizing this weapon, as both Hal and Sinestro found themselves not only on the winning side, but surviving the match up, while Batman found death and defeat.

This leads into our final segment for the week. Controversy abounded this week following the Midgets/Transfoamers match up, as White Lantern Hal Jordan revived fallen teammate Joey Potter to "protect the sanctity of life". This lead to speculation between watchers that this could lead to a possible new, unplanned addition to the Midgets, throwing commissioner Ryan Poteracki into a fit. "Unauthorized breeding between teammates is strictly prohibited" said the harried Commish "Not only with any "surprise" pregnancies be deemed ineligible for play but heavy, HEAVY penalties will be given to ANY team found 'Breeding for the Bowl' " This could make White Lantern Hal Jordan as possible liability for the Midgets, as Hal Jordan displays not only a callous disregard for authority figures, but testosterone walking as his sexual exploits as not only well know, but some are stuff of legend.

That'll do it for us. Again, I'm Cotton McKnight, thanks for watching "Spoiler Sport". Keep it locked in here to "The Ocho" as week three's Fantasy Fantasy League play in the desert gets ready to kick off later this week.

Thank you and good night.

Logical Genocide Vs. George Washington's Slaves

Logical Genocide is Zombie General Zod, Golden Army Soldier #19-23, Guy Gardner (w/ a blue lantern ring), Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Ewok #74 (AKA Jug Juggalo).

George Washington's Slaves are Ymir, Paul Bunyan and Babe, Shindor of Brontic, Santa Claus (w/ green and blue lightsabers (the latter used to belong to Ki Adi Mundi), Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Tim Cheveldae (w/ a sack of gungan boombas), Paul Coffey (w/ a green lightsaber), Bryan Murray (w/ a green lightsaber), Steve Yzerman (w/ Darth Nihilus' red lightsaber), and Tomar Tu.


Before the match begins Slaves Head Coach George Washington himself, personally approaches Santa Claus. “Santa, you don't have to do this ya know, it is early in the season. We have a formidable team without you this week. We are rolling out our first round draft pick Ymir, I mean you have seen this guy right? The huge frost giant! I just don't want to lose you and Rudolph. I know that we are fighting in your home of the North Poll, and it is important to you but..... (trailing off)... It's just that... I know how upset you have been since the loss of Corbin, not to mention your other eight reindeer... And... You have been such an important part of this team since day one, and the truth is that there is a good chance that if you go in to this match, that you may never come back”. “I don't intend to”. Santa replies... “I don't intend to”.

These words hang in the back of Gen. Washington's head as he watches his squad depart for the frozen tundra known as The North Poll.

Rudolph is nice and bulked up from an off-season of pulling a sleigh all by himself, not to mention the fact that there was enough reindeer food stockpiled in the Slaves' Headquarters to feed nine deer, not just himself. This is the reason, that Santa (who looks like he is fat and ready for Christmas Eve) is able to ride on the back of the red-nosed reindeer. The two of them take to the skies and fly high, just daring Logical Genocide to come and get the jolly old saint. Zombie General Zod takes off to search for Kris Kringle, but we will return to this pending battle soon enough.

Back down on the frozen ground, The five Golden Army Soldiers are logically chosen for the first wave of genocide against The Slaves. Bryan Murray rushes in first but realizes the hard way that The Golden Army Soldiers are just as tough as they look. The lightsaber wielding general manager (I still don't think of him as a coach) gets quickly crushed by the members of the Golden Army. Tim Cheveldae rushes in next, as ordered; but keeps his distance. He thinks back to the night before when Gen. Washington was giving him his instructions on what to do. Chev's initial response to the orders was: “But, Meesa no have a boomba”. “Here... Take um this one”!! The father of our country said to Tim as he handed him a sack of Gungan Boombas. Tim to the Timmy keeps this in mind as he begins clearing the boombas into The Golden Army's direction with his Goalie Stick. The Boombas work exceptionally well at slowing down The Golden Army, which is more than The Slaves require to work out step two of their plan. Ymir leads the charge as he crushes the stunned Golden Army Soldier #21 with all of his might. Paul Bunyan and Babe follow suit by taking out #19 and 22. Guy Gardner, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman, and the clown make-up covered Jug Juggalo the Ewok attempt to act as a diversion against the giant slaves. This actually works to buy some time for the boomba-affected Golden Army Soldiers to regain their composure. And regain their composure they do as the two remaining mechanical soldiers attack Paul Bunyan and Babe from behind and rip them apart. Timothy Chevmeister begins to rush back to use his last few boombas but before he can Ymir demolishes Soldier #20, while Shindor of Brontic uses his lightsaber and Dark Jedi Powers to slice and dice Soldier #23 far beyond their ability to repair themselves. Zombie General Zod finally finds Santa within the cold North Poll Clouds, while Paul Coffey is using his green lightsaber, which he has attached to the end of his hockey stick to slash Jug Juggalo to death. Zombie General Zod rushes at Santa, with all the speed of a living Kryptonian, but Rudolph is able to evade him. Rudolph loops back around and begins to charge toward Zod in a strange game of mid-air chicken as they get closer, Santa ignites his two lightsabers, which flashes to many memories of his old-friends Ki Adi Mundi and Corbin Dallas. Santa waits until the last possible second to swing his lightsabers. With the aid of the Jedi Weapons, and a little Christmas Magic, St. Nicholas is able to remove the head of The Zombie Kryptonian General. “Ohhhh SNAP” Tomar Tu says as Zod's rotting head falls about two feet in front of him. The two Christmas Icons then fly back down toward the ground. “Let's finish this thing” Santa says to his old friend in that overly-dramatic dual meaning kind of way. Santa and Rudolph crash directly in to Guy Gardner whose Blue Ring's aura protects him from to much bodily harm, not that it keeps him from being knocked backward. “Well, I guess this blue ring is totally useless” Gardner says as he pulls out his two long-barreled revolvers. Guy Gardner then unloads both of his Magnum Revolvers in Santa and Rudolph's direction. Rudolph acts quickly by lunging up his chest and throwing Santa off of his back. Saving the life of his old friend by taking the brunt of the attack for himself. Seeing the bloody body of his last Reindeer sends Santa in to a rage. He ignites his lightsabers once again and yells “Step aside Slaves”!! as he decides that he will finish this match on his own. His teammates all listen out of respect as Santa and Guy Gardner's face prove that men chosen by the green lantern corps can most definitely contain fear. Santa makes quick work of Gardner by slicing him in to quarters with his blue and green lightsabers. A frown appears on Santa's face as he looks around to see only his own teammates. He shutters to think for a second, that he may have actually survived yet another one of these God-forsaken matches when he feels a sudden nagging at his heart... Literally... “I never did believe in Santa Claus”!! Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman says as he rips out Kris Kringle's heart with his teeth. A scream of “NOOOOO” from the remaining Slaves is heard for miles in the echoing open tundra, that comes from all but the quick acting Steve Yzerman. The Captain ignites his red lightsaber, and rushes towards the Black Lantern Lawyer. Red Lightsabers, are reserved for Sith Lords, and not Jedis due to the fact that during their design the unstable nature of the red crystals require the use of the force to fuel their binding power to the weapon itself; thus using the force to attack. This residual bit of power never quite vacates the weapon, regardless of who wields it. So, when Steve Yzerman; an icon for all that is good about sportsmanship and charity and the embodiment of The Spirit of Detroit swings this weapon towards Black Lantern Becks, he is easily able to kill what is already dead.
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!!

Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches

Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to make a New Family is Mr. Freeze, Ice Bros. #7-10, White Lantern Batman, Kingdom Come Red Robin, Red X (Dick Grayson), Vampire Starfire, Sharkticon #21, Iggy Koopa, Doozer #7, and Meta-Knight.

Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches are Capt. Universe, Wolverine, Sasquatch, Legolas (w/ Sinestro's green lantern ring), and Overlord.


Neither of these teams waste any time jumping in to action as the cold arctic air almost instantly begins affecting the combatants in a negative fashion. Capt. Universe attempts to end this competition quickly by annihilating the frozen ground underneath the feet of the super-kitties on a molecular level, but before even the quick-re flexed Batman can react, the white lantern ring itself stops Capt. Universe in his tracks. The ring will not allow Capt. Universe to take any life through the use of cosmic abilities. Capt. Universe fights back against the power, when Meta-Knight rushes in to help out the Dark Knight. The Dreamland King's intervention may actually be what tips the scales as the white power and the cosmic power hyper-react with each other and in flash of white light, erase each other from this plane of existence (taking the noble Meta-Knight with them). With these super-powered entities gone from the match, a fierce melee battle ensues. The two Dick Graysons team up against Wolverine, while Sasquatch starts crushing Ice Bros. like it is going out of style. The Sharkticon and Iggy Koopa team-up against Overlord; and Vampire Starfire engages Legolas.

The Ice Bros. make good use of their surroundings, but in the end are no match for the powerful Sasquatch who single-handedly takes out all four of them; but he is not given any amount of rest as Mr. Freeze is their to instantly avenge his newly appointed henchmen. Sasquatch charges at Victor Freeze but his freeze gun stops The Alpha Flight Member dead in his tracks. Even after he is demobilized Mr. Freeze does not let up for one moment. He continues to hit him with the freeze gun until even Sasquatch's warm-blooded body can no longer take the cold. Overlord, also known as Gigatron and using both the power of Chichokon and that stolen from The Transectors... Actually, I'm not doing this Cybertronian crap tonight; so one giant robot squares off against another giant robot. Overlord is the much more powerful one, despite the Shatkticon's good use of the arctic setting. Overlord wins the battle, against the Sharkticon and then manages to crush the life out of ice loving Iggy Koopa as well. Legolas and Vampire Starfire end up getting separated from one another after Starfire fires a starbolt at Legolas that he dodges while he is simultaneously putting a well-aimed arrow through Doozer #7 (whether it was aided by the green lantern ring or if he is just that good, is unsure even by me). Legolas manages to remain unharmed from the attack but the starbolt destroys the ice underneath him sending him plummeting out of the skirmish (for now). Overlord flies over to Mr. Freeze, who instantly begins defending himself by shooting his freeze gun at full blast at the powerful Decepticon. Overlord actually does begin to slow down due to the impending blasts; but it does not stop him from crushing Mr. Freeze with his massive foot. Overlord begins to raise his mighty metal arms in to the air in victory (like decepticons so often do). When Vampire Starfire rips through the metal body of Overlord from back to front: “hmm, this creature's flesh is... gross” the vamped up alien says in a confused voice, as she tries to eat the enormous dying body of Overlord. Meanwhile, we return to the pitched battle between Wolverine and The Red Robin/Red X Combo Pack. “You know what to do against this guy correct”? Red Robin asks of his younger self. “Yes, Batman's teaching log file #864 Sub-Section 3” replies Red X. Red Robin says back “Correct, Batman's section on potential multiverse and amalgam threats. Sub-Section 3: Wolverine”.

Red Robin and Red X work just as well together as Batman and Robin ever did, having received the same training and after all being the same person. But Wolverine is still the best at what he does (bub). The combatants engage in a fierce battle, but neither side is able to gain the upper hand. Despite Wolverine's claw attacks, the former robins are able to parry them with their staffs. It is almost a shame that Vampire Starfire flies in to intervene by hitting Wolverine square in the chest with a starbolt. Wolverine is stunned and knocked back, but no permanent damage is done to the mutant. At that moment, Legolas flies up to return to the battle as well. The elf of the Woodland Realm hits Starfire with a green energy arrow right between the eyes, which knocks her flat on her back. While The Graysons begin an acrobatic move that has Red Robin launching Red X in to the air by using his staff as a spring board. Three things then happen at almost the exact same moment... While Wolverine takes advantage of the grounded Starfire by stabbing her in the chest, Red X is delivering his nuclear-fueled, pulse-powered birdarang into the throat of Legolas, whose last green energy arrow is being shot in to the eye of Red Robin. Red X pops up with a somersault and realizes, that he is now alone with Wolverine. He wastes no time with remorse for his fallen comrade and moves against the mutant quickly, but without the aid of his older self, he no longer has the skill set to hang with Wolverine. Wolvie dodges two swings from Red X and then delivers a claw-revealed uppercut to Red X's chin. “Sorry kid” is the last two words that Red X hears as
BECKERMAN'S BACKYARDIGAN'S: BEEYATCHES become VICTORIOUS!!

Week 2 Better Than All Of You vs The "Wait, if he's the smoker, why does she sound like that?" touring batallion of commandos.

Miley "I'm not overshadowed yet by my boyfriend" Cyrus and "I'm thinking of running as a Republican this year just so they have a shot against me on the Democratic ticket" President Barrack Obama's "Best of Both World's" Touring Battalion of Commandos are:
King Laufey, Heimdall, Buffy Summers w/blue lightsaber, Iorek Byrnison, Willow Rosenberg w/Dumbledore's Wand, Worm Becks, Rachel Ray

Better Than All of You is:
Cobra Commander in a Z-95 Headhunter, Red Skull with Glamdring in a Mig, Predator #9 with a green lightsaber, Cobra vipers #20 - #25, Duke Transformers Mech Unit, Snake Eyes Transformers Mech Unit, Scarlett Transformers Mech Unit, Roadblock Transformers Mech Unit, Wizards #1 & #2, Dozer #15, Baby Jaguar


“Thissssss whole thing isss ridiculoussss!” hissed Cobra Commander into the comm unit of his Z95.

“You have got to start saying ‘over’ into your comm dude,I can’t tell if i’m hearing the radio static or you hissing. over.” responded Red Skull.

“ssssshut up, we have work to do!” Commander responded.

…..
…..

Cobra commander rolls his eyes. “ugh you’re an idiot!... OVER.”

“That’s better.” responded Red Skull, “Now lets get this advance sweep done before The joes in those insane mech suits stumble into a trap. I can’t see a thing out there. AAcccchchhhhhh”

“What wassss that? you didn’t ssssay ‘over’ sssso i’m not sssssure if you’re done talking or if your radio just cut out..” sniped Cobra Commander... “oh sssssshi....!” he shouted.

Cobra commander barely hauled his Z-95 out of the way as the sparking ice covered ball of metal that used to be Red Skulls mig flew passed him.

“Planes?! Really! This is what you silly mortals have brought against the mighty King Laufey!?” shouted the booming voice of the king of the ice trolls.

“Technically mine is a ssssspace sssship!” retorted Cobra Commander as he rounded on the troll. The Cobra Commander then unloaded the KX5 laser cannons into the ice troll the heat from the lasers easily slicing their way through the ice based armor that the troll king had built up for himself. Unfortunately the tunnel vision of his run at Laufey had blinded him to the attack that had been launched against him.


Rachel Ray had put a garbage bowl on each foot, coated the outside in EVOO and was rapidly hurtling down an ice ramp that Laufey had built before his demise. The Kamikazi Celebrity Chef hit the ramp and launched feet first into the cockpit of the Z-95 killing them both instantly.

The careening ship slammed into the ice spraying snow into the air and crushing Dozer #15.

Baby Jaguar buried himself into the snow pile near the crashed ship, preparing to pounce.

Wizards #1 and #2 swept out from behind the fallen spacecraft to square off with the enemy.
The Joes mech units stomping up behind them to back them up. The Wizards began to speak their words of power to cast a powerful magic rain of fire on the enemies that they could barely make out in the wind and snow.

Unfortunately they didn’t understand the magnitude of the magical forces arrayed against them.

Suddenly the air became incredibly still, visibility increased to the horizon.

“Yeah... those will do nicely.” said Willow whose eyes had become black as night, veins visibly pulsating under the skin in her forehead and cheeks. She was wielding a wand of incredible power.

“Why on earth am I bothering playing with some old man’s stick... I’m plenty effective with just my hands... go ahead and ask Tara! oh wait you can’t, because she’s gone....” the spell books from the wizards hands suddenly were pulled into mid air, floating in front of Willow while the words crawled over her skin and across her face...

“Not much in there but parlor tricks...” she continued “I mean ‘Magic Missile’? Really?”

“oh wait here’s something scrawled in the margins... maybe I’ll give this wand a shot after all.” she said.

“Accio Bolts.... Accio ALL OF THE BOLTS!!” she shouted.

The Joes mech units were dismantled bolt by bolt in the blink of an eye and the bolts ripped through the two stunned wizards like buck shot.

The pilots recovered from the collapsing mechs and decided to try to hide behind a pile of snow until they could come up with a way to tackle the crazed witch.

“What are we gonna do!?!” whispered Roadblock.
“We sit here until we figure out how to approach this...” replied Duke “Snakeyes is dressed ENTIRELY in black spandex, it’s not like stealth is an option here.”
Scarlett broke in, “Duke’s right, we sit here and we wait, nobody has noticed us yet.”

“Well I wouldn’t say nobody.” Said the snowy hill they were huddled behind.

“What the hell was that?!” roadblock said, startled.
“..... ….” said snakeeyes.
“Oh that’s real helpful silent Boboooooh CRAP!” Roadblock shouted as he realized that their cover had become mobile.

Shaking off the snow and ice, the king of the armored bears, Iorek Byrnison began to lay waste to the joes, his armor deflecting combat knives and katana alike as he tore the joes limb from limb staining the pristine snow red.

As Ioreck turned to seek out his next victim baby jaguar pounced aimed directly at the empty space between his head and shoulder armor. A flash of blue split the tiny jaguar neatly in two. Buffy Summers climbed atop Iorek and they charged towards the Cobra vipers, Tooth and Claw and blue slashing blade made quick work of the cobra vipers who fired their lasers wildly, never coming close to their mark.

The following events happened incredibly quickly.
Three red dots appeared in a triangle on Buffy’s head. A incredible noise pierced the sky. The once calm wind rose to a tempest of snow and hail.

Then a spray of glowing green blood.

“oh no. there will be no more shooting of women on my watch pal. you’re going to die slow for that one.”

The sounds of an inhuman scream filled the air as the skin was pulled from the predator in very small strips inch by inch until the sound of ice pelting on the wreckage of the Z95 was all that could be heard.

Season Five: Week 2: Tijuana Taco Benders vs Horsemen of Apokolips

Tijuana Taco Benders: New X-Men: Surge, Blindfold, Rockslide, Mercury, Anole and Gentle, Zombie Polaris, Black Lantern Colossus and Paddle (Immell #4) w/green lightsaber.

Horsemen of Apokolips: Freddy Kreuger w/yellow ring, Jason Voorhees w/blue lightsaber, Pinhead, Leatherface, The Joker and White Lantern Sinestro.


TWO HOURS INTO A ‘HORSEMEN’ STRATEGY MEETING

Freddy Krueger: “Well that’s what Pinny and I have decided on so just deal with it.”

WL Sinestro is red in the face with anger, as he cannot understand how it ever got to this point.

Sinestro: “Look, you guys are the most evil characters on this team okay. We are not going into this match and not have any of you act “Evil” as you so admittedly insist.”

Pinhead is sitting in the corner knitting together what looks like a sweater made out of some sort of flesh and metal wire. Jason and Leatherface are playing darts with a flayed cat nailed to the wall. Well okay, they are basically just throwing knives at the cat, but it is nailed to a dartboard so it is possible they are keeping score. The Joker is actually just reading an autobiography on Charles Kuralt and Freddy is sitting across from Sinestro at the table in the middle of the room.

Freddy: “Take it or leave it Sinny.”

Sinestro can’t even begin to describe his frustration but one look at his face tells the entire story.

Sinestro: “Look, what can I do to change your mind.”

Freddy: “Get rid of the ring. You are evil and you’re allowed to act good now so why can’t we?”

Sinestro: “I wasn’t completely evil, not like you guys. You all are nothing but soulless killers. Your entire reason for living is to torture and maim people. If you don’t do that then there is no point to you even being here.”

Freddy: “Well maybe that’s it exactly. Maybe our entire existence has been one big waste of time. I feel like I’ve lost my soul in the process of all of this. My hearts’ just not in it anymore. I feel like I’ve wasted my entire life."

Sinestro: “Okay look…I get where you are coming from, believe me. I know how it’s like to feel like everything you’ve ever stood for has been for nothing. After such a long time in this thing you start to lose touch with everything that you originally got into for. The key is to try and go back to the beginning.”

Freddy: “What are trying to do here, give us a pep talk?”

Sinestro: “Listen for just a minute. You still remember when you first got into this don’t you?”

Freddy: (With an almost sheepish look on his face) “I guess.”

Sinestro: “Think back to when you first started, who was your first kill?”

Freddy: “This little girl from the town I lived in.”

Sinestro: “Okay good and what did you do with her?”

Freddy: “I don’t know.”

Sinestro: “Come on Fred, you remember. I know you do.”

Freddy: “Well, I guess I tied her up and watched her starve a while.”

Sinestro: “Okay good and then what else.”

Freddy: “Well after she couldn’t beg anymore I cut her open and watched her bleed out, you know until she finally died.”

Sinestro: “Alright, good. And do you remember how that made you feel.”

Freddy: “I don’t know, good I guess.”

Sinestro: "I bet it made you feel great. I bet it made you feel like you had all the power in the world on your side. I bet you it made you feel invincible, like nobody could ever touch you ever again.”

Freddy: “Well yeah, I guess it did.”

Sinestro: “Of course it, that’s why you kept doing it over and over again until they burned you alive in your house and then you came back even stronger then ever. You see, that feeling that you felt was so strong that it kept you going even after you died. Not even death could stop something as pure and evil as you.”

Freddy looked down at the table but Sinestro could see a smile start to creep onto the burn victims face.

Sinestro: “Hey, is that a smile I see on your face?”

Freddy: “No.”

Sinestro: “I think is, isn’t it?”

Freddy: “Well…maybe a little bit.”

Sinestro: “From what I’m seeing it looks more like a big smile. The smile that can only be brought on by the feeling of pride you still have in yourself.”

Freddy now has a huge smile on his face (which for the record is creepy as shit).

Sinestro: “Now can I ask you one more thing Fred?”

Freddy: “What’s that?”

Sinestro: “Do you think you can help me out in this match?”

Freddy looks around to the rest of his soulless teammates who seem to be all looking directly at him and said, “Well I suppose I can help you, being evil and all, it is what I do.”

Sinestro: "All right, that’s what I like to hear. Now let’s get out of here and go kill and maim some people.”

The entire room erupts in cheers and they come pouring out of the conference room looking ready to slaughter a village of innocent people.


THE ARCTIC

The arctic air was very quiet as the kids of the New X-Men stood behind their two older and far darker teammates. Black Lantern Colossus looked over at Zombie Polaris and knew that the former AL members have always been one of the most dominating and intimidating teams in the league so it was going to take nothing less then a masterful performance to keep up with them.

Both Colossus and Zombie Polaris conferred with each other before relaying their plan to their teammates but before they were even able to say a word they found out that this match was going to be even more difficult then they originally imagined.


Surge and Rockslide were commenting to each other about how nice it was outside, which they found odd as they were supposed to be in the arctic.

Rockslide: “Is it just me or does something not feel right about this?”

Surge: “It’s like something is severely off, I just can’t tell in what way.”

Mercury: “You guys, where are Colossus and Polaris?”

Anole: “I just saw them, they’re right in front of us.”

Mercury: “No there not, where in front of us?”

Anole: “I just saw them, I swear they were standing right there (pointing directly in front of him).”

Gentle: “I don’t like this, let’s get out of here.”

Anole: “Get out of where? We are in the middle of the arctic. There’s nowhere to go.”

Surge: “Well that’s it isn’t it. We’re in the middle of the arctic aren’t we? Then why isn’t it cold? We should all be freezing right now.”

Blindfold: “You guys, do you hear that?”

Mercury: “Maybe it’s just a construct, like back at school.”

Blindfold: “One two, Guess who’s coming for you.”

Surge: “I doubt it, since when would the world just be a construct.”

Blindfold: “Three Four, Better lock your door.”

Mercury: “Well I don’t know. I’m not the one who controls these sort of things.”

Blindfold: “Five Six, Grab your Crusifix.”

Surge: “Well either am I. Why do you think I know how all of this works?”

Blindfold: “Seven eight, Gonna stay up late.”

Mercury: “I don’t think you do, but I sure as hell don’t know the answer either.”

Blindfold: “Nine ten, Never sleep again.”

Surge: “Well then get off my back about it.”

Gentle: “Would you guys please shut the hell up, what are you saying Ruth?”

Blindfold: “You don’t hear it. One two, Freddy’s coming for you…”

Freddy Krueger: “Ahhh, always was one of my favorite songs.”


Colossus immediately went over to his slumbering teammates and was trying to wake them up.

Colossus: “Are they asleep? What the hell is going on here?”

Colossus looked over at his zombie teammate and realized he was basically on his own on this one as the zombified version of Polaris may be decent at fighting but is basically useless at anything else.

Colossus: “What about you Paddle, got any ideas?”

Paddle: “Oh so now you are going to acknowledge that I’m actually here?”

Colossus: “Okay, I see I’m on my own on this one.”

Paddle: “How about your ring genius, it brings people back to life doesn’t it.”

Colossus: “But they’re not dead.”

Paddle: “So what, maybe it can do something about their suspended sleep.”

Colossus looked at Paddle with severe skepticism.

Paddle: “For Christ’s sake, isn’t it at least worth a shot.”

Colossus then used the power of his ring on the kids but before he was able to make contact with him he felt a sudden loss of control and in an instant, Colossus was turned into dust.

WL Sinestro: “We’re not going to have any of that today thank you very much.”

Paddle then jumped out at Sinestro with the intention of landing a blow with his lightsaber but as his arm was about to come down towards the white lantern, a massive hook that was now puncturing his forearm suddenly held it back. Paddle let a terrible scream and looked over to his side to see a creepy looking man wearing an S/M outfit with pin’s coming out of his head.

Pinhead: “I believe it is now my turn.”

Paddle’s body was then dragged towards the icy ground of the arctic and before long there were hooks pierced through his other forearm and both of his ankles. The pain is excruciating and before Paddle is even able to let out another scream, Jason Voorhees is standing over him jamming his lightsaber into his midsection.

Pinhead: “That was much too easy now wasn’t it, we didn’t even give him time to learn to enjoy it.”

At this point Zombie Polaris realized what was going on and sent both Jason and Pinhead flying with a blast of energy, one that easily killed the two Horsemen members.

Leatherface watched this happen and took off towards the zombiefied Taco Benders and with one slice, cut off her arm with his chainsaw. This normally would be devastating to anyone who just had their arm cut off, but as this is a zombie we are dealing with, he might as well have just scratched her lightly because she doesn’t even flinch. She then turned around, grabbed him by the throat (with the remaining arm of course) and completely fried the brain of the inbred backwoods psycho.

The Joker sees this and starts to laugh hysterically at his teammates demise.

The Joker: “Oh my, I couldn’t have done that better myself.”

Polaris then looked over at the Joker and decided it was time to finish off the always-wordy jokester. The Joker watched her approach with a wide grin on his face and before Polaris got directly in front of him, the Joker set off a series of explosions that engulfed the surrounding area to which she was standing. The frigid waters of the Arctic swallowed her whole, which sent the Joker into another fit of laughter.

The Joker: “Oooh, but I can’t imagine you doing that any better then me.”

The Joker danced around a bit as Sinestro watched in amusement but before long the zombie version of Polaris was back up on the surface, floating directly in front of the Batman villain.

The Joker: “Well aren’t you a go-getter.”

As the Joker said this, Polaris sent a blast of energy into the makeup wearing villains’ midsection, knocking him into the freezing waters. She then electrified the frigid waters, killing him after one more bought of hysterical laughter. Polaris then looked over at Sinestro and sent an easily deflected blast of energy over to him.

Sinestro: “Very cute Lorna, now it’s time for you to go away.”

Polaris’s mauled face then began to burst from the inside out until eventually she completely exploded all over the arctic floor.

Sinestro: “Now Mr. Krueger, it’s your turn.”


The realization of their predicament was upon them now but the solution was not yet evident. The main issue with all of this was that inside Freddy’s dream world, nobody was able to utilize their powers, which is just how Freddy liked it.

The first to go down was Surge, whose throat had been torn open by a quick swipe from Freddy’s glove, spilling blood everywhere while she grabbed onto her neck hoping to stop the bleeding. Surge was quickly overtaken by shock and soon enough she was lying on the ground, dead to both the dream and real world.

Mercury: “You sack of shit Freddy, show yourself.”

Freddy: “I doubt you want that kid, but if you insist…”

Freddy then appeared in the glow of his yellow ring and sent a wave of yellow energy directly at Mercury and Gentle that tore them apart.

Freddy: “You kids still want me around or was I more dangerous in the shadows?”

At this point Rockslide and Anole both launched themselves at the Elm Street resident with very little success, both being knocked down in various directions.

Freddy: “You’re in my world, there’s nothing much you can do so you might as well just let me have my way.”

Meanwhile in the corner of an ice formation, Blindfold had been sitting on the ground concentrating for sometime now.

Anole: (Spits blood from his mouth) “You know Ruth, it’d be nice if you could give us a hand.”

Blindfold: “I am helping you.”

Out of the blue Blindfold disappeared, leaving the dream world altogether.


Blindfold looked around and saw the bloodied bodies of her fellow X-Men teammates lying on the icy floor. She looked over at the bodies of Rockslide and Anole and saw them still breathing, albeit deeply with a look of pain on their faces. She then searched the immediate area and saw nothing else around her. She felt the frigid wind on her body for the first time since the beginning of the match, which brought with it a sense of relief as knew for a fact that she was finally back in the real world. She then searched telepathically through the region and could feel another force at work so she began to push back at it. She quickly realized that there was a force at work that was even beyond her own abilities.

Despite this fact, she was still powerful enough to realize that the reason she and her fellow teammates were in a deep sleep was because of the lantern power that was somewhere at work in this arena. Instead of using her immense yet not always stabile powers to find her enemy though, she used the one weapon that all teenage girls always have at their disposal; her voice.

Blindfold: (Shouting) “Show yourself you coward, if you are so powerful why must you hide? I suppose it’s just easier for you to hide behind your powers you pussy.”

Sinestro then appeared right in front of her.

Sinerstro: “Such a temper for such a small girl. I must say, you are not what I expected. It is also very curious that somebody wearing a blindfold would be so eager for someone to show themselves.”

Blindfold: “For somebody who hides in the background, you sure do have a lot to say. Oh and by the way, just because I am wearing a blindfold, doesn’t mean I can’t still see.”

Blindfold then temporally sent Sinestro into another dimension while at the same time, pulling both of her teammates back from their slumber. Rockslide and Anole woke up but were both badly beaten. Anole has had both of his legs torn off, which will grow back but have not done so quite yet. Rockslide was still out of it but was at least conscience. The biggest upside of all of this though was the fact that Freddy was no longer in his world, but the real world itself.

Freddy: (Sarcastically)“Thanks so much Sinestro, this worked out sooooo well.”

Blindfold: “You looking for your friend, he had to take a time out for a minute but don’t worry, he won’t be gone for long.”

Freddy: “Oh I’m not worried, I’m just annoyed is all.”

Blindfold: “I’ve seen your movies before Freddy, you’re in our world now. You are just as vulnerable as any one else now.”

Freddy: “Hahahahahahaha, well good for you kid. Unfortunately you haven’t read a comic in while because if you had you’d know that ‘Your’ real world isn’t quite what it used to.”

Freddy then used the power of his yellow lantern ring and created an energy construct that surrounded the blind teenager, blocking off her powers from the rest of the arctic.

As soon as Blindfold had been put inside the construct, Sinestro reappeared from the dimension that she had momentarily thrown him into. Sinestro then re-joined the match by heading over to his remaining enemies. He does this because he is watching Rockslide build himself up with every bit of ice from the ground around him. He is beginning to create a body construct that will be difficult for most creatures to destroy, I say most because even though Rockslide became quite large it only took Sinestro a single moment to completely shatter and destroy the New X-Men member.

Anole sees this and has his stomach drop, knowing that the end is near. He finally got back up on his newly regenerated legs when from out of nowhere; he felt a knife slice his throat from left to right. He then falls back to the ground where he is staring back up his killer’s burnt face. Freddy just stood over the bleeding body of Anole and quietly laughed to himself over what was such a humorous site to him.

Blindfold, who had been inside the yellow energy construct for a while now had all but given up when suddenly, it disappeared. She stood there with the knowledge that she was now the only member of her team left. As soon as she began to survey her surroundings though, she heard something quite short and simple out of the white lantern-wearing Horsemen.

Sinestro: “Remember, just like the old times.”

Freddy then smiled and rushed Ruth Aldine with everything he had and tore her from top to bottom, sending everything from her stomach to her lower intestines to the ground. If she could have cried she would have, instead she just gasped one last time and fell to the ground. As the two remaining members of the Horsemen stared down at the disemboweled teenage girl, Sinestro looked over at Freddy and said, “I know I told you to do that but damn, you really are one sick fuck.”

Sinestro and Freddy then walked away from the blood bath completely unscathed. Freddy was walking with a big smile while Sinestro started to wonder if he was really the best person to be wearing something as good and pure as the White Lantern ring.

Season 5 Week 2: Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are: Frost Giants 1-3, Vampire Sinestro, Mecha-Hitler, and Woodstock.


Xavier’s Annihilation Squad is: Jadis the White Witch, Invincible, The Aerialbots: Silverbolt, Skydive, Fireflight, Slingshot, and Air Raid; Yellow Lantern Fatality, Call of Duty Crew: Capt. John Price, Sgt. Derek "Frost" Westbrook, Capt. John "Soap” MacTavish, Yuri, and Sgt. Marcus Burns.



The winds whip across the frozen wasteland as the Call of Duty unit takes formation out amongst the glaciers. The icy tundra is illuminated by the bright glow of a full moon as it reflects off of the snow. The five soldiers set up position as the cold ground beneath them begins to quake.

“What the hell is that?!” shouts Sgt. Marcus Burns as three enormous shadows begin to eclipse the moonlight.

The Dope Fiends’ trio of Frost Giants stomps their way into the battle and is instantly met with a barrage of heavy gunfire.

“Don’t let up boys! We’ve got to keep these things ….” Capt. John Price’s orders are abruptly cut off as he is impaled by a massive ice spear that was launched by a Frost Giant. His body slams up against a nearby glacier wall.

“Ahh, son of a bitch, guys,” yells Frost. “We’re in for a long night.”

The three Frost Giants continue their march towards Xavier’s Annihilation Squad. Bullets are ricocheting off of their icy exteriors. They all form massive ice clubs in their hands and in unison slam them down, causing a crack that opens up in the tundra floor, swallowing Yuri and Soap. Frost and Marcus fall back to try and gain some cover as their reinforcements arrive, which comes right in the nick of time. The Aerialbots fly in and fire upon the Frost Giants. They manage to knock them down, but not kill any of them. The Frost Giants retaliate by throwing several ice shards at the Autobots. They manage to evade them and transform into their robot modes.

As the Frost Giants continue to attack the Aerialbots, Silverbolt shouts orders to his team, “Aerialbots! Merge to form Superion!!”

The five Autobots fly into formation, transform in mid-air and combine to form the gestalt, Superion.

Frost Giant #1 takes the lead and charges at the massive Transformer as he lands. With his ice ax drawn, the Frost Giant leaps into the air towards Superion, but the gestalt winds up and with a single blow punches right through the Jotunheim native. The Frost Giant’s corpse drops to the ground as the other two come from opposite sides of Superion. One goes for the shoulders, and the other takes him out at the knees. This causes Superion to break apart as the two Frost Giants continue their attack. Though the Aerialbots have them outnumbered five to two, the Frost Giants are quite at home in this frozen terrain, thus giving them the advantage.

Woodstock flies as quickly as he can through the cold air, trying desperately to evade this battle of behemoths. He’s also trying to figure out what the hell he’s doing in this battle to begin with. However his concern are quickly silenced as Invincible flies in and snatches the poor defenseless little yellow bird out of the mid air and crushes him within his fist. Invincible is then snagged out of the air himself by a yellow beam of energy.

“I like that bird, you little punk,” Vampire Sinestro says as he sneaks up behind him and bites down on his neck. At first, Invincible’s healing factor resists the attack, but Vampire Sinestro is relentless and couples his blood sucking with a crippling blast of yellow energy to Invincible’s midsection. He finishes draining the blood from his neck just as Yellow Lantern Fatality blasts him with her own bolt of yellow energy.

“Please woman! You dare attack me with a yellow ring of fear? YOU DARE?!” shouts Vampire Sinestro as he flies swiftly at her. His speed has been increased tenfold with his new vampirism and Fatality hardly even sees him move. Her eyes are wide and jaw dropped as he flies by her. Her body the slowly falls apart as if she was being peeled like a banana. “Such naïve children,” quips Sinestro to himself as he wipes some of Invisible’s blood away from his lip.

As he continues his search for more prey, he is blindsided by a magical blast, courtesy of Jadis the White Witch. Vampire Sinestro hurdles through the air and slams into a snow covered pine tree. Angered, the Korugaran erupts out from the branch, a plume of snow bursting in the air in his wake. Vampire Sinestro flies in and leaps on top of the White Witch. He quickly snaps his jaw down onto her neck. The red of her blood looks exceptionally red as it oozes down her alabaster skin. As he violently sucks the very essence out of her, Sinestro feels something himself. Jadis, with the last of her strength, uses her wand to turn Vampire Sinestro into Stone. The once great leader and founder of the Sinestro Corps, slowly turns to stone. He blasts a beam of yellow energy straight up into the cold night sky as snow begins to fall. The beam flickers as the stone overtakes Vampire Sinestro. The beam then dies out as he is now completely solidified.

Sgt. Derek “Frost” Westbrook and Sgt. Marcus Burns have regrouped over by a cave opening in the side of a mountain. From inside, they hear heavy mechanical footsteps. Frost takes aim with his gun.

“Oi, knock it off, it’s prolly just one of the Aerialbots,” says Marcus.

There is then the winding of multiple chain guns as bullets rips out of the cave and into Frost. His body is propelled through the air. The white snow is splattered with his crimson blood.

“Die, Allied schweinehund!” shouts Mecha-Hitler as he stomps his way into the moonlight and attacks the final member of the Call of Duty crew.

Marcus leaps over a boulder for some cover as Mecha-Hitler’s quad chain guns continue to shred the nearby landscape. The sergeant makes a run for it and manages to get some leverage in a nearby thicket of trees. He launches a flash bang which blinds Mecha-Hitler for a moment.

“Scheisse!” shouts the temporarily blinded mechanically enhanced dictator. He then fires his four massive chain guns wildly through the air, and manages to clip Marcus in the right calf as he runs for cover.

The SAS solider screams in agony as Mecha-Hitler finishes him off. However the screams of pain catch the attention of Slingshot. The arrogant and brash Autobot breaks from the Aerialbots’ attack on the Frost Giants and takes off towards Mecha-Hitler. There is a loud sonic boom as Slingshot rips through the air. He takes aim with his twin mortar cannons and lets loose, incinerating Mecha-Hitler.

“I’m even better than I thought,” Slingshot jokes to himself as he turns to regroup with his teammates.

Silverbolt looks over to see the returning Slingshot and tries to reform Superion, but Frost Giant #3 knocks Silverbolt to the ground and slams his ice club into the Aerialbots commander, crushing his head. In by doing so, this ends the FFL career of the gestalt Superion. Frost Giant #2 then adds to the destruction by sending Slingshot to the Graveyard as well by hurling dual ice spears at the incoming Autobot. They impale both wings which send Slingshot out of control and exploding into the side of a mountain. Fireflight is shocked and overcome with a sense of rage when he sees his two brothers-in-arms fall. Frost Giant #2 is able to sneak up behind him and drive an ice sword right through his chest. Fireflight lets out a painful scream as he drops to his knees.

“Arrrg… Ok, Frosty… If I’m going, I’m taking you with me!” grunts a dying Fireflight.

He snaps the ice sword in half as he spins around and fires his photon displacer gun which temporarily disorients the Frost Giant. As painful as it is to due, Fireflight transforms into his jet mode and flies straight up only to nose dive right back at Frost Giant #2. He fires his fire fog missiles, which hit the Frost Giant and immerse him in a self-igniting flammable mist. The Jotunheim beast falls dead to the icy ground as it melts around him. Fireflight transforms back into his robot mode moments before crashing to the ground.

“Heh… heh… I got you, you son of a bitch,” Fireflight says to himself. “That one’s for you Slingshot.”

Skydive and Air Raid have been too preoccupied with trying to take out Frost Giant #3 to have noticed the Fireflight has perished in battle, though they do notice the area of the tundra that is engulfed in flames. They manage to back the Frost Giant up against the mountainside as they close in. Air Raid looks at his partner and shoos him a smirk before charging at the last remaining combatant of the Dope Fiends.

“Damn it Air Raid!” shouts Skydive.

Air Raid tackles Frost Giant #3 down to the ground, but gets quickly overpowered.

“Just do it!!!” yells Air Raid. “You don’t have an option! I’ll see you soon enough!” As he is shouting to his teammate, Air Raid is stabbed in the shoulder by the Frost Giant. “End this! Take him out!”

“I don’t have a clean shot Air Raid!” Skydive shouts back.

The Frost Giant drives another ice dagger into the Autobot, this time into his side.

“Arrrgggh! The mountain!! Drop the mountain on him!” he yells.

“Damn it… I knew you were gonna say that,” Skydive says quietly to himself. He takes aim and fires his nega-gun at the mountainside causing a sheer molecular breakdown of the rock. The mountain crumbles and crushes the Frost Giant just as he finishes off Air Raid.

“I’ll see you soon Air Raid,” Skydive says to his fallen teammate as he transforms and takes off away from the carnage that surrounds him.

Season 5, Week 2: Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

Once upon a time,
A tyrant named William was born;
Risen from the machines,
And from the beast’s one horn.

Scorching the earth,
With his beloved Queen Kate;
A perfect, bloodthirsty woman,
The tyrant’s true mate.

With the magnificent Pippit,
Wearing the skulls of robots on brow;
Never your back to turn on her;
Or wind up stuck like a suckled sow.

The King’s brother Harribul,
With the terrible monikered theme;
Loving the exsanguinated bowels,
To the ultimate and utter extreme.

The Royals reigned supreme,
Making decisions mired in the dead;
Never mess with any,
Or live the phrase “Off with your head!”

-Author Unknown

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 2 Match located in Arctic. They are as follows:

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: The Serpent (Fear Itself); Skadi: Herald of the Serpent (Merged with Shao Khan via hammer); Shao Khan (Merged with Skadi via hammer); Steel Superman with blue lantern ring; Daniel LaRusso with blue lightsaber and green lantern ring; Tracy Strauss with demon rod; Faith Lehane with blue lightsaber in snow speeder with Kevin Periera.

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies: Ol’ Dirty Bastard w/Red Lantern Ring; RZA with Pokeball; GZA; Method Man with laser gun; Raekwon; Ghostface Killah with Starwand; Inspectah Deck; U-God; Masta Killa with laser sword; Cappadonna; Black Lantern General Grievous; Wiliam V: Tyrant; Queen Kate; Pippit; Harribul the Terrible with Tron light suit; Altair Ibn-La'Ahad; Ezio Auditore da Firenze; Dale Cooper (Twin Peaks); Aang; Appa; Katara; Sokka; Toph Beifong and Zuko.


Let the battle begin. . .

Tracy Strauss rushes at GZA and uses her demon rod to subdue the Wu-Tang Clan member. GZA falls to his knees and looks up at the chilly opponent.

GZA: Yo b@tch be crazy!!!

Strauss: And you be frozen.

Strauss touches GZA and he freezes in place. She taps her demon rod on GZA and her brittle opponent disintegrates into pieces. Masta Killa, Ghostface Killah and Method Man rush to the skirmish. At the same time they look at one another.

Method Man: Fo a brotha-cut da b@tch!!!

The three rush Strauss. Masta Killa dodges Strauss’ demon rod and slices her with his laser sword. Ghostface Killah uses his star wand and she falls to her knees. Method Man walks up to Strauss.

Method Man: That’s howz I likz ma b@tches. . . on their knees!

He is about to pull the trigger when a surge of adrenalin rushes through Strauss and she touches Method Man. His leg freezes as he pulls the trigger. Strauss is killed; Method Man loses his now frozen leg in the fight.

Daniel Larusso gravitates to the scene and slices Masta Killa with his blue lightsaber, while using his green lantern ring to crush the skull of Ghostface Killah. As he is about to finish the hobbled Method Man, Ol’ Dirty Bastard (hereinafter “ODB”) with his red lantern ring blasts Larusso out of the sky. Larusso dodges the laser fire from Method Man while battling ODB with his ring. Although Larusso loses ground, he remembers that he is “Grasshopper” and that he is strong. As he turns around he hears the hacking cough of BL General Grievous. Grievous unleashes his four lightsabers and slices the Karate Kid repeatedly. As Larusso dies he recognizes that he was never known as “Grasshopper.” His dying smile notes that he is glad he is not, in fact, “Grasshopper” since “Grasshopper” met his demise, not at the hands of an able combatant, but by accidentally hanging himself from a bathroom with a plastic bag over his head (and naked).

Dale Cooper is walking in his parka across the frozen tundra. He is thinking of “cherry pie”. He draws his weapon as he is confronted by Skadi and Shao Khan.

Cooper: Hello. . . my brothers?

The two Kennelz members look at each other incredulously as this wonder-bread-eating-fool actually addressed them as his “brothers.” The two rush him. Cooper manages to squeeze off two shoots to no avail. Cooper is killed. The two Kennelz then focus on Clan members Raekwon and Cappadonna, killing them both. Inspectah Deck, U-God join RZA with a Pokeball. As they rush to the scene, they see the enhanced Skadi and Shao Khan. The Clan members, once again, do not stand a chance against the two entities and Inspectah Deck, U-God and RZA are destroyed.

Faith Lehane and Kevin Periera speed by in their snow speeder. Aang flies out of the snowy sky on the sky bison Aapa. Aapa crashes into the snow speeder and the Rebel fighter crashes into the ground in a blaze of fire. Appa is killed in the smash-up. Aang bends the air around him in order to land safely on the ground. Lehane and Periera manage to escape before the fighter is engulfed by flames and crawl out of the ship. The two are set upon by Altair Ibn-La'Ahad and Ezio Auditore da Firenze. Altair kills Periera. Faith’s slayer instincts kick and she dodges the blow by Ezio. She then manages to snap the assassin’s neck. As Faith is about to face Altair she ignites her lightsaber. The two circle one another. Altair is then joined by Wiliam V: Tyrant, Queen Kate, Pippit and Harribul the Terrible. Harribul’s Tron light suit glimmers and temporarily blinds Faith. This moment is enough for Altair, William, Kate and Pippit to set upon her. They all manage to strike her repeatedly at the same time. Although Altair is killed in the skirmish, Faith is mortally wounded. Harribul drops down to Faith, who is now lying on the bloodied ground.

Harribul: I hope you like this. . .

He grabs her lightsaber which is just out of her reach and slowly begins to gut her. Faith screams in pain. Harribul screams in ecstasy. Faith dies as her intestines litter the snow.

Harribul: . . . and I thought she smelled good. . . on the outside. . .

The Royals walk from Faith and are met by Steel Superman. Superman immediately uses his ring on Pippit and Kate. The two women are immediately crushed by an immense hammer. Their bodies become mush.

Steel Superman: Now that’s what I call a Royal Mush!

Harribul and William attack Superman and are thrown across the icy floor. Just as Superman is about to kill the remaining aristocrats, BL General Grievous comes to the scene. The Kaleesh cyborg holds his own against Steel Superman. Grievous spins his lightsabers and utilizes his ring powers at Superman. Grievous eventually bests the Steel hero. Unfortunately for the Murderflies, Steel Superman uses his ring powers to kill both William and Harribul before his demise.

Skadi and Shao Khan unleash their powers on Grievous. Grievous succumbs to the barrage and is decimated. A hobbled Method Man and ODB rush at the two hammer-imbibed combatants. While the two Clansmen focus on the hammer duo, the Serpent springs upon them and destroys them both where they stand.

The “Bender” clan utilizes all of their powers against Shao Khan, Skadi and the Serpent. Katara bends the water of the arctic, Aang bends the air surrounding them, Sokka uses his weaponry, Zuko uses the flames from the previously crashed snow speeder and bends the fire surrounding same, and Toph Beifong bends the earth beneath the arctic’s snow. The combined efforts of the Asian warriors destroy Shao Khan and Skadi, but at the cost of losing Sokka and Zuko. The three remaining Murderflies- Zuko, Aang and Toph come together and in an unparalleled sight, use their powers in their entirety against The Serpent. They know that all will not survive. When the smoke clears Aang is the lone warrior standing.

Season 5, Week 2: TEAM vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

“Behold and marvel my immense blue cock!”
-Dr. Manhattan

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 2
Match located in the Arctic. They are as follows:

TEAM: Sif, Hogun, Volstagg, Fandral and Black Lantern Incredible Hulk.

Team Sleeping Pussy: Planetary- Elijah Snow, Jakita Wagner, The Drummer;
Doctor Manhattan, Kang, Khan Noonien Singh and Black Lantern Mr. Fantastic.

Let the battle begin. . .

Elijah Snow uses his ability to manipulate the cold. The weather reaches an extreme temperature. Unfortunately for Team SP, a majority of the TEAM members are used to this weather since they have fought in the land of the Frost Giants.

Khan Noonien Singh stands defiantly against Black Lantern Incredible Hulk (hereinafter “BLIH”).

BLIH: Puuunnnnyyy maaaannn!

Khan: How dare you defile my name! I am Khan Noonien Singh! I am a warrior who killed Captain James Tiberius Kirk’s son! I am a man who controlled over one quarter of the Earth in the Eugenics Wars! I am a man of fine Corinthian leather! I am. . .

Although Khan is a genetically enhanced human, he is no match for BLIH. Before Khan can finish his next sentence, BLIH walks up to the man and pops his head off.

BLIH: Puuunnnnnyyyy maaaann!

BLIH leaps away just as Sif and Jakita Wagner begin to battle. The augmented strength of Wagner allows her to hold her own against the Asgardian. The Drummer, watching from the side, marvels at the two beautifully, dangerous women and his hands begin to move his drum sticks slowly. As the females become ensconced in a fierce fight, the Drummer’s sticks beat harder and faster. Sif teleports behind Wagner. Before Wagner can react, Sif skewers Wagner through her chest. The Drummer’s sticks crescendo. Wagner falls down, dead, on the snowy ground beneath her. Sweat is seen dripping down the Drummer’s brow and he licks his sweaty lips.

As Sif walks away from the dead Planetary character, Black Lantern Mister Fantastic (hereinafter “BLMF”) uses the combined abilities derived from both his elastic body and ring to engulf Sif. BLMF dislodges Sif’s sword, depriving her of the ability to transport herself away. BLMF’s black lantern ring’s powers encase her entire body. Kang uses his superior intellect to show the Drummer a new ability, which he can use against the trapped Asgardian. The Drummer runs to the encasement and begins to drum. The Asgardian screams in agony as the stick’s vibrations reverberate throughout the artifice. Eventually, Sif succumbs to the syncopated beat and falls. BLMF then slowly closes the trap and she is crushed. Sif is miraculously killed.

BLIH jumps to the scene. Kang whispers in the ear of his new minion, the Drummer, and the Drummer begins to work his sticks again. The repeated vibrations are felt, but not understood by BLIH. BLIH kills Kang, but as he is about to kill the Drummer, the Drummer’s beats dislodge the ring from BLIH’s finger. BLIH’s desiccated body shrivels and Elijah Snow deals the final blow to the black lantern. The Drummer has become, with the help of the now deceased Kang, a “most-valuable-player” candidate of the match.

The Warriors Three-Hogun, Fandral and Volstagg rush to the side of their dead Asgardian sister. The three unified look to Team SP and scowl.

Volstagg: You shall be avenged!

Hogun pulls out his mace and Fandral pulls out his sword. Volstagg will use his immense size and strength to battle. The three face their lessers. Although Elijah Snow attempts to freeze Hogun, Hogun’s mace is too quick. Snow is killed by Hogun. The Drummer’s beats, now enhanced by Kang’s theories, strikes Fandral repeatedly. Nonetheless, Fandral manages to eventually behead The Drummer with his sword. BLMF is killed by the combined efforts of all three Asgardians working together. The three savor their victory for only a short moment as Dr. Manhattan floats across the tundra to confront them. He looks at the TEAM-mates and tilts his head. The three are battle ready.

Dr. Manhattan stands, without saying a word.

Fandral: Fight us, you blue beast!!!

Dr. Manhattan stands, without saying a word.

Volstagg: Say something!!!! Do not just stand as one of stone!!!

Dr. Manhattan stands, without saying a word.

Hogun: We are Asgardians!!! We are gods!!!

Dr. Manhattan’s head un-tilts: I . . . am. . . G-d.

In the blink of an eye, Hogun, Volstagg and Fandral are wiped from existence as their bodies burst into flames, leaving holes in the icy ground below.