My Watcher bretheren Joshatu and Ryatu have extended the honor to myself, Bryatu, of “watching” this Optional Tournament match. I am told that I am not to interfere, but simply observe what follows. . . . What I view are two opponents evenly matched and ready for battle. The teams: George Washington's Slaves and TEAM.
George Washington's Slaves are Yoda, Optimus Prime, Sauron, Beowolf, Thor, Martian Manhunter, Yoshi, Colossus, George Washington and Spongebob Squarepants.
TEAM is Adi Gallia, Shockwave, The Evil Paul Atreides Ghola (Paulo), He-Man, Adam Warlock, Superman, Gannon, Neo, Jackie Chan, and Dozer #7.
Before the match, I shall enter the locker room of George Washington’s Slaves. . .
Yoda: Crush them we shall. Decimate TEAM we must if we are to continue onward to the next round. The strength of Optimus, Sauron, Thor and Manhunter is enough to follow through.
George Washington: I have faced mighty forces in the past, but the British troops do not compare with Neo, Warlock, He-Man and Superman. We must not overextend our confidence; it will be our downfall.
Spongebob Squarepants: What Mr. George said!
To the locker room of TEAM we shall now go. . .Superman: They are formidable, but if we work as a team, TEAM shall be victorious.
He-Man: By the “Power of Greyskull” shall I defend the honor of my teammates!
Jackie Chan: 让我们毁坏他们。[Let us destroy them].
Neo: I agree.
On to the battlefield. . .The teams stand across the expanse, waiting for the other to make the first move. On the line of George Washington’s Slaves stands Spongebob Squarepants suddenly profusely sweating.
Spongebob: It’s a beautiful day for battle! [Hands moving to throat]. I don’t know what’s going on with me! [Begins to cough]. I’m drying out and . . . [Wobbles to the ground]. . . Holy Kabloey!!! [On the ground beginning to sizzle].
Optimus Prime uses his optical sensors to scan the line of TEAM and notices Superman “squinting” in Spongebob’s general direction. He instantly computes the situation and notice that Superman is using his heat vision to dry Spongebob out.
Optimus: SPONGEBOB! BEHIND ME!
Optimus Prime begins to take action and attempts to shelter Spongebob. He computes that he is too late as he notices the small character beginning to catch on fire. Soon the little sea animal is a blaze of flames.
Spongebob: It’s too late for me! [On major fire]. SLAVES!!! AVENGE ME!!!!
Spongebob’s body turns is now a fiery conflagration. Bob explodes. The first casualty of the match before the true battle begins.
Seeing that one of its true enemies enters into the fray Shockwave decides that Optimus is not the only transformer who can take beginning action for its team.
Shockwave, with its’ military operations commander mind, evaluates the situation and through methodical calculations believes that the namesake of the Washington’s team must be eliminated immediately. Washington’s elimination will not only destroy another member of his team, but will also destroy the team’s namesake. Shockwave believes that although Washington may be a true leader who possesses extraordinary skills (since he is but a mortal who leads superhumans and previously, an entire nation), he is only a man, while Shockwave is a superior Decepticon. Shockwave calculates the best means of ending Washington’s life and thus, transforms into a Mazda RX-8. Shockwave revs its engine, spins its tires and at blinding speed, races to meet Washington. Washington sees Shockwave coming and smiles in anticipation of a fight. He lifts the gun off his back, raises his muzzle and fires at one of Shockwave’s tires. Although a normal gun would not immediately affect the tire, Washington’s muzzle loader is filled with not one, but two balls (double-packed) with powder. One of Shockwave’s tires expodes due to the force of the double bullet tearing through the rubber and he begins to swerve uncontrollably. Shockwave computes that even if he is crippled he will have enough time to transform into its robot mode and blast Washington with its laser gun before the general can pack another double load. Washington sees the motor vehicle begin to transform into the Decepticon and awaits his maker. Just as Shockwave begins to transform, Optimus Prime jumps in (having quickly mourned Spongebob) and smashes Shockwave head on with both his laser rifle and modified truck cab body. The force of the blow and laser, both at the same time, sends Shockwave reeling away from the battle, smoking and malfunctioning. It is only a matter of minutes before Shockwave is sent to that great big toaster in the sky.
Washington: Thank you my friend.
Optimus: No sacrifice is too great in the service of freedom. Now hop on my shoulders and ride me like I know you can - - back to safety.
Just as Washington is about to mount Optimus, Yoshi runs up.
Yoshi: YOSHI!!!!
Washington: Okay Yosh, I will ride you instead.
Yoshi: YOSHI!!!
Washington rides back on Yoshi, with Optimus tailing behind as a rear guard. The three meet back on their camp lines where Yoda stands and smiles.
Yoda: Time for me to enter fray, it is. Yoshi! Bareback shall I ride you. Let us go!
Yoda, who is an adept kybuck rider hops upon Yoshi.
Yoda: Onward Yoshi!
The two find their intended target. Jackie Chan is in his crouching tiger position. He smiles that the little green beast on a dorky looking lizard is coming to attempt and attack his martial arts’ superiority. Instead of greeting his new enemies with the broken Engrish he always attempts to spout, he speaks his native Mandarin tongue.
Chan: 问候我的朋友，现在是时间杀害你。[Greetings my friends, it is now time to kill you!]
Yoda: Better your native tongue you speak than the unintelligible garble you try often.
Nonetheless die you shall!
Yoshi charges and is upon Chan in mere seconds. As Yoshi begins to attempt and utilize his tongue, Chan, in blinding action, punches Yoshi twenty five times in the beast’s gut with his Drunken Master skills. The power instantly kills Yoshi, a smile still on its face as its body falls to the ground. As the grinning Yoshi collapses, Yoda does a triple lindy somersault and ignites his lightsaber. Chan has no time to react and Yoda laps off Chan’s head.
Now being an omnipotent Watcher, I am familiar with the ramifications of slicing one’s head off with the cauterizing lightsaber blade. The oxygen, still trapped in Chan’s skull prevents him from dying instantly. Chan sees his body crumpled over, a mass of deadweight and I overhear his words as he looks up at his defiler.
Chan: 你赢取我们的争斗小的绿色野兽。 但是战争不结束。 去队! [You win our battle little green beast. But the war is not yet over. Go Team!]
Yodi: True the war is not over. But it will be. . . it will be. . .
As Yoda walks from the carnage before him (his comrade Yoshi fallen, looking like a Hoth tauntaun and the Chan looking like a headless international martial arts action-comedy hero) he senses in the force another. He turns around and sees Adi Gallia.
Adi: Master Yoda, it will be an honor defeating you in battle today.
Yoda: Of that you cannot be sure young one. Your confidence smells of the tainted dark side.
Adi: You know as well as I that confidence is not only of the dark side. Let me prove it. [Adi ignites her saber].
The two Jedi meet in a blazing skill of crashing light swords, flashes and sparks. Nonetheless, although Adi is an adept utilizer of her lightsaber, she is still no match for Yoda. Yoda spins, twirls, wiggles, jaunts and somersaults around Adi who soon becomes disoriented from the ancient master’s actions. Yoda takes advantage of this fact and force pushes her fifty feet in the air and down to the ground. Adi is knocked unconscious. Yoda, knowing that he has defeated the master, yet not killed her allows him to give a whimsical laugh; a laugh that is heard by TEAM.
I look upon TEAM. . .
He-Man [Looks behind him to his comrade]: Paulo, let us make this our battle now!
[Paulo lying on the ground unresponsive].
He-Man [kneels down to Paulo]: Paulo! What is wrong with you!
Paulo in a near catatonic, deathly state, simply gurgles blood in response.
He-Man: Ganon. Neo. What is wrong with Paulo?
Ganon uses the Triforce of Power to scan Paulo.
Ganon: The fool is useless to us now! He is all but dead now; overdosed on ultraspice!
He-Man: Use your black magic to bring him from the dead!
Ganon: I will not waste my powers on him! He is dead to the team, but a mere ghola from a Caladan relic. [Paulo dies and Ganon shakes his head in disgust]. Come my scantily clad man-toy and slick, leather clad beauty. Let us enter battle!
Together the three men charge onto the battlefield. Dozer #7 feeling left out of the fracas scampers alongside the three. They are met by Colossus and Beowulf (the Cymek, not the man from folklore who killed Grendel).
As the six circle each other on the battleground they stop to see Dozer # 7 jump up and down and then begin to sing a tune.
Dozer: We come from different places,
We come from different times;
But we all come together,
Let’s sing a little rhyme!
Everybody sing and dance,
Everybody laugh and prance. . . [Dozer screams and explodes].
Ganon: I know that he is. . . I mean was, my teammate, but I could only stand so much of that Fraggle Rock garbage. Let’s do what we came here today for – win! Colossus and Beowulf, you may now die!
The fight begins with the five combatants. Ganon gathers his black magic, which then culminates in a brackish cloud of darkness. He hurls the same at Colossus and Beowulf. Their cybernetic and metallic bodies avoid the disease within the mist. Colossus then takes action and attempts to strike Neo. Neo, with his Matrix-speed ability, slows the punch down, does a nice swan lift in the air and kicks Colossus repeatedly in the chest. Colossus is whipped around and around, but suffers little damage due to his armored body. Neo still has more strength to fight. He waves Colossus over for another round.
Colossus: Da. But not with me comrade.
Neo: Who then?
Neo begins to look behind him when he suddenly feels a sharp pain through his chest. He looks down and notices his own blood glistening on the sword which has just ripped through one of his lungs and pierced his heart. He is thrown off the sword by Sauron. Sauron simply nods his head in an acknowledgement to his teammate and walks toward Ganon.
Meanwhile, Beowulf is in mortal combat with He-Man.
He-Man: You remind me of one of Skeletor’s foul beasts! I shall use my immense strength to crush your body so you will be left but a brain attached to a broken machine.
He-Man is evenly matched with Beowulf. The two fight for several minutes until He-Man manages to wrestle the cyborg to the ground and is in control of the man-machine. He-Man then lifts the cyborg over his shoulders and throws it to the ground. He begins to do this repeatedly until the body becomes a shambling mound of wire and cybernetics.
Ganon: He-Man, this is one fight I do not wish to partake at this time. Come, my friend.
With these words, Ganon attempts to teleport himself and He-Man away from the battle with Sauron and Colossus, but is unsuccessful. Sauron slowly moves toward the wizard, a being of immense magic himself. Although no one can see within the realm of Sauron’s helmet, one can only imagine the smile that is upon his face as he rushes toward both He-Man and Ganon with raised sword. Ganon readily transports himself away, successful this time. He-Man is not as lucky. He-Man’s rippling muscles are sweatily displayed as he fights with Sauron. Nonetheless, Sauron’s sword skills, along with his added magical abilities, prove too much for He-Man. Sauron’s sword pierces He-Man’s body. Like so many of the other fighters today, impalement is the ultimate doom meted out to one’s foe.
Ganon smiles as he teleports back to the realm of battle. Ganon will live another day, or so he thinks until he sees the front grill of Optimus plow into him. Ganon’s blood splatters across the windshield and his body is run over (repeatedly) by Optimus.
Slave’s Line. . .Manhunter: Are you ready Thor?
Thor: I have drunk my ale heartily and am ready for battle!
Manhunter: How much ale?
Thor: I may be over the mortal limit of consumption, but for a Norse god I am strengthened.
Manhunter: Let’s hunt my friend.
Both Thor and Manhunter take to the air.
Team’s Line. . .Warlock: I see my nemesis Thor above. He has never forgiven me for taking the Asgardian goddess Sif to be my mate. I shall make him rue the day he caused me to lose her love by forcing me to create a cocoon around myself.
Superman: As you see your nemesis, I see one who has fought by my side with the League. But as I stand with TEAM, I swear to spread J’onn’s ashes across his homeworld of Mars.
Both Superman and Warlock take to the air to meet their counterparts in battle.
The sky battle is furious. Superman hits Manhunter head on with a devastating punch. Manhunter is thrown across the sky in a daze. His regeneration ability kicks into overdrive as he attempts to counter the effects of Superman’s blow. Just as J’onn is coming out of his haze, Superman attempts to use his heat vision on Manhunter. Manhunter is cognizant enough that he escapes the heat stream by using his invisibility power. He then uses his speed to catch Superman by his foot. Manhunter’s superhuman strength throws Superman across the sky, toward the sun. The Sun augments Superman’s strength. Superman flies faster than a speeding bullet, in fact, at supersonic speed. Although Manhunter is a powerful adversary, he is no match for Superman’s next blow. His fist manages to crush Manhunter’s sternum. Manhunter then falls to the ground in a crumpled heap. His regeneration powers begin to enhance his body, but it shall take a good amount of time for him to heal from the injuries. Superman stands over the body of Manhunter.
Superman: I am sorry to defeat you, my friend, but. . .
Superman feels a blast from behind as Optimus Prime uses his laser to throw Superman across the grounds. Superman begins to correct his flight when he feels a force through his side. He looks down and sees both Sauron’s magical blade and Yoda’s lightsaber impaling him.
Superman: How?
Yoda: Force and magical powers within the realm of defeat, Superman. [As Superman falls to his knees in pain, Yoda force pushes him down so that he is face to face with Superman]. Goodbye, Son of Krypton. [Yoda throws Superman across the sky, mortally wounded, with death imminent].
Thor and Warlock are locked in a death match in the sky.
Warlock: You were just jealous that Sif chose me over one of your other Norse bretheren. Looking at your long golden locks often worn by women, I see she didn’t have much to choose from anyway.
Thor: For that insult I shall bring Odin’s wrath upon thee.
The individual also known as “Him” and the God of Thunder are in a pitched battle. Thor uses his hammer against Warlock and smashes him across the sky. Thor then uses his hammer to gather the heat and lightning of the atmosphere and channel the forces of nature to create a force blast. Warlock secretly allows Thor to do this and then uses his manipulation of energy to steal the force and blow it back at Thor. Thor is hurtled across the sky, his costume in tatters.
Warlock smiles, but the smile does not last long as he sees Thor hurtling toward him, his hammer guiding him.
Thor: I may have a girl’s golden locks my astral friend, but I hit like a Norse god!
Thor uses the velocity of the hammer and twists around so that the hammer has the additional centripetal force. The hammer meets Warlock in his face. Warlock, after the hammer, no longer has a face. His body falls to the ground.
As I, Bryatu, Watcher of this match look around, I find TEAM defeated. Adi Gallia, Neo, Jackie Chan, Dozer # 7, Shockwave, Superman, Paulo, Ganon and He-Man, Warlock: no survivors. Thus, I declare George Washinton’s Slaves VICTORIOUS!
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