Consolation Match-Round 1: Built Ford Tough Vs. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

The following match is the first exhibition match between two of the new teams coming in next year. Built Ford Tough is Jared Pilkinton and The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is Josh Houslander. I just wanted to clarify just in case you were confused.

Built Ford Tough is Indiana Jones.

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets are Papa Smurf (Designated Leader), Lo-Lo, Wicket Captain N’s Dog Duke, Dozer #8 and Smurf #2.

Years before Comerica Park was built, stories were told of the mysterious power that emanated from the grounds below. To most these stories were just ancient folklore but to a select few, these were more than just tall tales. One of those people that believed in these tales was Mike Illitch, the owner of Little Caesars pizza and the Detroit Red Wings. He believed, as many have, that a magical staff was buried deep below the ground near 2100 Woodward Avenue. He believed so deeply in this mythology that in 1992 he purchased the Detroit Tigers for the sole purpose of building a stadium over top of it. It is reported to this day that he still believes that the staff is the key to the Tigers success. Though the existence of this staff has never been proven, it is still one of the most sought after treasures in the world.
This staff had been brought to the attention of both teams early this week and though victory was still the main goal, gaining the staff had all of a sudden peaked the interest of both teams. Since they were both fresh and small, they figured that having a powerful staff going into next season wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world.
The stadium was unusually quiet today. It was one o’clock and yet still nobody had showed. Minutes passed by but still, nobody. Then all of a sudden out of the visiting teams dugout an older looking gentleman in a leather jacket and a fedora appeared. He looks at the empty stadium and lifts his hat up; “Am I late for the party or is it waiting for me?” He walks out to the Pitcher’s mound and just stands there waiting for something. Nothing ever comes. He waits for about five minutes before he decides to walk off the field and into the stands. Still seeing nothing, he decides to take a stroll around the ballpark. He looks in the back of the concession stands to see if there is anything to drink, but does not see anything. Then all of a sudden he sees something moving in the distance and decides to follow it.
When he gets to the door from which he saw the movement come from, he opens it and sees a Dozer. It does not seem to be causing any harm to anyone; in fact, it doesn’t seem to be doing anything at all. Just then, the door behind him slams shut and he is locked in. He tries to open the door back up but he can tell that there is something blocking it. He keeps looking at the Dozer, as if it could be useful to him, though nothing comes to mind. Instead he continues to try to open the door, naturally to no avail. All of a sudden the dozer begins to make a strange noise and gas begins to leak out of it. Indiana goes over to the Dozer and crushes it with his foot but it is too late. The Dozer has let out enough gas that it begins to make it so Indiana can’t see straight. He knows he is quickly running out of time so he tries to find an alternate route. He sees an air vent in the ceiling above, but it is too small.
With very little time to waste Indiana decides to do the most barbaric thing that comes to mind. He grabs the metal chair in the corner of the room and starts hitting the wall with it. It is drywall so it is coming apart quickly. After about thirty seconds he gets through to the other side of the wall and finally breaks it down. Once out of the room he takes a deep breath and looks around. He sees several objects in front of the door, which are blocking its entrance. Indiana walks around a bit more and says to himself, “I signed up for a fight today, not a hide and go seek”.
He then sees a light turn on in the stair well in front of him. Being the curious person that he is, he decides to walk towards it. When he gets to the stairwell he does not see anything but as soon as he begins to walk down it, he sees two Smurfs look up at him and quickly runs away. “Smurfs, why’d it have to be Smurfs?” He then continued to walk down the stairs and turned the corner of what seems to be a massive storage room. He then takes his gun out of its holster and makes sure it is loaded. Right as he puts it back in his holster he gets hit in the head by a rock. “Well, whatever’s down here, it sure ain’t friendly” Jones says as he moves through the boxes in the room. Then right in front of him he sees a furry little creature run right passed him. He takes a shot at it but he misses. Then out of no-where a dog comes rushing at him from the side and knocks him over. He gets a quick grasp of the animal and snaps his neck. He feels mildly guilty about this but is quickly over it as he is hit in the head with another rock.
With a throbbing headache now, Indiana decides to stop being surprised and go in for the kill. He makes a run for the creature in front of him but as soon as he gains any speed he is tripped up and falls flat on his face. He looks behind him and sees that the two Smurfs had placed a piece of fishing line out in front of him. Though instead of attacking him while he is down, they all decide to flee again, listening to what sounds like the leadership of the bigger of the two Smurfs. Indiana now realizes that they are not trying to kill him at all, but that they are trying to keep him away from something else. He now realizes that The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets entire game plan was too keep him occupied while they searched the Ballpark for the hidden staff.
Indiana naturally laughs at this revelation, as he does not believe in the staff’s existence to begin with. Once he knows this though, he figures that as long as he keeps following the Smurfs lead, he should be able to defeat them. They are Smurfs after all, he defeated the Nazi’s twice, how hard can a Smurf be? Indiana walks through this seemingly never-ending storage room until he sees a strange hole in the ground. Instead of his usual shoot first strategy, he decides to watch and see what his opponent is going to do. He sees both Smurfs jump into the hole, followed by a furry creature, which as he now realizes is an Ewok. Then to his disgust, he sees a blue ball with legs move towards the hole.
In an act of panic and disgust he fires his gun at him several times, knocking the now dead Lo-Lo into the hole. Indiana walks over to the hole and sees nothing but black. Soon enough though, he sees someone light a match down there; which to Indy, is his cue to jump on in. As soon as he does though he hears the sounds of gunfire and the screams of the two Smurfs. Indy quickly lands on the ground, rolls around and starts to discharge his own weapon. As soon as he does this, the shadowy figure runs away and takes the light with him. Indy, being the very prepared man that he is, takes out his Zippo lighter and lights it. What he sees is a child’s nightmare. Lying on the floor in front of him are the two dead Smurfs and the Ewok, who for some reason he knows as Wicket, but can’t quite place why.
Indy now realizes that the battle is over with, but decides to keep on going. He can hear somebody in the distance, who is truly not trying to hide himself because he is making a hell of a lot of noise. When he finally gets the man in his sights Indy yells at him, “Hey, I suppose I should be thanking you but what the hell are you doing down here. I thought this was only a two team battle?”
The man turns around and suddenly Indy recognizes him, it is none other than the Tigers owner himself, Mike Illitch. Indy gives him a look of amazement as he turns back around and continues to dig. “What are you doing down here Mike? You can’t possibly be looking for that staff?”
“I come down here every single night looking for that staff. I’ve been coming down here ever since we broke ground over ten years ago. As soon as I found out your league had chosen us for a battle sight, I’ve been hiding out just to make sure nobody else would find out about. It’s been over ten years that I have been looking for it and I still have not found it. I was not going to let one of you Fantasy leaguers take it.”
“Look man, I don’t care about your staff but if you really want to do some good, find the thing and give it to a museum.”
“A Museum, put this staff in a museum. That’s a great idea, hey while were at it we should also put a loaded gun in the hand of every preschooler.” Illitch says with disgust.
“What, what are you talking about.” Indy says with total confusion.
“Do you know what would happen if one of you Fantasy leagues got a hold of this staff? I am not looking for this staff because I want to keep it for myself; I want this staff because it needs to be destroyed. It needs to be destroyed once and for all.” With this statement, Indy has officially lost sight of what Mr. Illitch is saying.
“I’m sorry Mr. Illitch, but I don’t follow you.”
“Do you really think you guys are the only Fantasy Fantasy league out there? There are hundreds if not thousands of you out there. If this staff or any staff like it ever got out, all of those worlds would bleed into each other. It would destroy everything. So when you go back to your team tonight, tell them you won your match out on the field and mention nothing of these events to them. Trust me when I say that all of this is best left unsaid.” Unlike what Indy normally does, he actually listens to Mr. Illitch and walks out of the cave and back onto the field. He wonders if what he has been told his the truth, either way, he realizes that everybody is better off not knowing what took place today. He takes one more look at the empty ballpark, straightens his hat one more time and walks back down to the dugout.

Built Ford Tough is victorious!