Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyaatches vs Team Sleeping Pussy

Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches are Tyrone, Doomsday, Darth Vader, Vehicle Voltron, Dark Phoenix, Red Hulk, Orion, Magog, Arkillo, Double Cross, Fangry & Brisko, Flywheels, Holocaust, Wolverine, Darth Talon, Triggerhappy & Blowpipe, Slugslinger & Caliburst, Cyclonus & his Armada, War Skrull #6-10, Skrull #1, Brood #6-10, Vulcan, Boba Fett, Duncan MacLeod, Skullcruncher & Grax, Nazgul #6 w/ Fell Beast, Capt. Britain, Carnage, Krypto, Michael Myers, Spike, King Hiss, Sasquatch, Hush, Sentinel #1-12, Dementor #1-6, Black Dragon #1-12, & Green Dragon #1-12

Team Sleeping Pussy is Cyclops, Jean Gray, Beast, Ice Man, Angel, Blockbuster, Absorbing Man, Vision, Mimic, Super Skrull, Ultron, Enchantress, Kilowog, Brainiac, Dr. Manhattan, Rorschach, The Comedian, Ozymandias, Night Owl 2, Capt. Metropolis, Silk Spectre 2, Female Sentinel #1-10, Kahn Noonian Sighn, Unus the Untouchable, Jubilee, SHIELD Agent #1-10, War Skrull #1-5, Cloak & Dagger, Ka-Zar & Zabu, Roy Batty, Banshee, Thunderbird, Deathbird, Blink, Giant Man, Mastermind, Binary, Capt. Boomerang, Bullseye, Mothra, Skrull #23-50, Xenomorph Alien #1-30, Black Cat, & Compy #29-32.

Prior to the battle, Darth Vader spoke with his team. “This team’s performance thus far has been unacceptable and pathetic. Someone explain to me why is it that we go 9-1 during the Regular Season last year, only to be eliminated in the First Round of the Playoffs?” It’s at this point when Belle tries to open her mouth and give some lame ass excuse to this rhetorical question. Vader doesn’t even stop his speech while he Force chokes Belle to death. Vader continues, “And this season, well, you all should be embarrassed. So I have decided, along with Head Coach Hannibal, that it is time to bring in someone who knows how to win battles. Tyrone.” The preschool moose walks into the locker room and shouts, “Enough talkin’! Let’s kick some ass!” As they leave the locker room, Tyrone looks at Red Hulk and sarcastically says, “Hey Rulk, I saw that you couldn’t even manage to beat Alice’s Wonder Team. Impressive. I’m real glad we picked you up in the second round.” Rulk, steamingly angry snaps around and is about to crush Tyrone, when he is Force pushed up against the wall. “You will NOT touch him,” growls Vader. You can literally feel the tension within this almost all-male, testosterone filled starting lineup this week. Once the Backyardigans are teleported to the middle of Kansas, Team Sleeping Pussy ambushes them. The 30 Xenomorphs charge in and viciously rip apart all five Brood Aliens, without a single Xenomorph falling. “Yeah that’s right! Nothing beats the original. Stan Winston should sue your ass!” shouts Iceman. Then the Backyardigans’s 12 Black Dragons and 12 Green Dragons take to the air and begin doing strafing runs over Team Sleeping Pussy’s ranks. Skrulls #31-35, 47-50, S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents #1, 5-8 and Captain Metropolis are covered in a combination of acid and poison. The screams and smell coming from the battlefield is stuff nightmares are made of. Giant Man then increases his size as the Dragons start attacking him. He squashes Green Dragon #7 with a clap of his hands and then grabs Black Dragons #2 and 4, crushing them in his grip. But their acid burns and eats away at Giant Man’s palms. This momentary pain gives the Dragons an opening. The Black Dragons concentrate their acid breath on Giant Man’s eyes, which cause him to scream in agony. The Green Dragons then in a combined effort, all spray their poison directly into Giant Man’s open mouth. He grabs his throat and starts choking, his eyes already eaten away into dark cavernous holes, with most of his face badly burned and blistering from the acid. As he falls down to one knee in utter anguish, he grabs Green Dragon #6 and Black Dragon #10 and crushes them. He finally crumbles to the ground, but falling on and killing Spike, King Hiss, Roy Batty and War Skrulls #9 and 10, killing them as well. Kilowog then flies high into the air to engage his archenemy Arkillo. The two lantern powerhouses clash with an explosion of green and yellow energy that lights up the night sky. (Did I forget to mention that it was nighttime?) Neither combatant creates any sort of energy constructs, but rather they choose to fire beam after beam of pure energy at each other. One would think that there is a Pink Floyd concert going on up in the clouds with all the laser-like energy beams coming from the sky. Kilowog flies in close and then pries open Arkillo’s massive jaw until it finally breaks. (It was reminded me a lot of when King Kong did that to the T-Rex. Remember that? The 1933 one, not the crappy ice-skating romantic comedy that Peter Jackson did in 2005.) The Backyardigans remaining three War Skrulls then rush Team Sleeping Pussy’s large Skrull battalion. War Skrull, who has the powers of Vulcan and Sasquatch, attacks and kills Skrulls #36-38. (Did I mention that all of Team Sleeping Pussy’s Skrulls look like Alan Moore? Because they do. Well all but Skrull #23; he looks like Frank Miller.) The Red Hulk/Wolverine War Skrull #7 leaps in and slices through Skrulls #27 and 28 and then smashes Skrulls #40 and 41. War Skrull #8, which has utilized the powers of Doomsday and Carnage, comes crashing in, destroying Skrulls #39, and 42-46 in a brutally ugly fashion. Seriously, he gets zero finesse points. Team Sleeping Pussy, however, has War Skrulls of their own. War Skrull #4 uses its Blink power to teleport them behind the Backyardigans defenses. Using its other power, War Skrull #4 unleashes a powerful Banshee scream to explode the head of Hush. War Skrull #3 is about to use its combination of Cloak and Dagger abilities when it is blasted away by Vulcan. War Skrull #2, who has grown to about 35 feet tall with his Giant Man powers, then manipulates the mind of Boba Fett by using the powers of Mastermind. The bounty hunter then takes to the air with his rocket pack and starts firing on his own team. The Backyardigans are able to evade their teammate’s attack. “Magog! Take that Skrull out. I want Boba Fett alive,” orders Lord Vader. Magog then fires a mighty blast from his trident which rips a giant hole through War Skrull #2’s chest. The massive Skrull crashes down and falls onto War Skrulls #1 and 6 and Flywheels. Michael Myers then stalks War Skrull #4 and shoves his big kitchen knife deep into its neck and then about another 27 times into its abdomen. The Captain Boomerang/Binary powered War Skrull #5 flies up into the night sky, but before it can even launch an energy powered boomerang, Orion flies in and incinerates it with his Astro-Harness. Team Sleeping Pussy’s 30 Xenomorphs swarm the Backyardigans two remaining War Skrulls, who are still attacking the Alan Moore Skrulls. After about 45 seconds, the Xenomorphs tear through the War Skrulls, but in all the commotion, it’s hard to tell who exactly killed Skrulls #24-26, 29, and 30 and Xenomorphs #26-30, as they all lie dead as well. The Frank Miller Skrull #23 manages to escape the slaughter, but is confronted by a Batman looking figure. “Who… who are you?” asks Frank-Skrull. “I’m the goddamn Batman!” growls Batman. He then proceeds to kick Frank-Skrull to the ground and bludgeons him to death with a big rock. “What a stupid thing to say. “I’m the goddamn Batman!” Who would ever come up with such a ridiculous line?” Batman says to himself as he changes back into Skrull #1. Cyclops then leads his team of nine X-Men against the Backyardigans’s forces. Mimic immediately duplicates the powers of Dr. Manhattan, Vulcan, Dark Phoenix, Doomsday and Wolverine. Jean Grey tries to telepathically warn Mimic that this might be too much power for him to control, but Calvin simply ignores her and rushes into battle. “Mimic, wait!” yells Cyclops, but his orders fall upon deaf ears. “Blink, get him back here now!” orders Cyclops. Blink throws one of her teleportation daggers at Mimic, which opens up and teleports Mimic back behind the rest of the X-Men. Banshee takes to the skies to fight Captain Britain. “This is for all my Irish brethren back home, ye English dog,” says Banshee as he unleashes a sonic scream at Captain Britain which is so powerful that even the magic of Old Britannia cannot withstand. Captain Britain’s heart bursts inside his chest and he plummets to the ground. Thunderbird runs in and makes quick work of Skrull #1, but is then knocked to the ground by Holocaust. Beast leaps in to help Thunderbird. With their combined strength and agility they are able to evade Holocaust’s attack and together they tear his protective helmet off of his unstable body. Mimic then comes in and obliterates him with his Dr. Manhattan powers. Mimic begins to twitch and shake a lot, which is exactly what Jean was worried about. “You fool! You think you can handle even a fraction of the awesome power that is the Phoenix Force?” Dark Phoenix says to Mimic. Before Mimic can even respond, Dark Phoenix shows him just how powerful it is by completely vaporizing him in an instant. Wolverine then lunges into action and without hesitation, lops the head off of Jubilee. Blink then tries a sneak attack on Logan and teleports herself behind him, but Wolverine senses this and spins around driving his claws deep into Blink’s stomach right as she teleports. “You’re next Scott,” grunts Wolverine as he leaps at Cyclops. Knowing that he cannot win an actual fight with Logan, Scott does the only thing he can do. He pulls his protective visor off and blasts Wolverine with a full-blown optic blast. The sheer power from this leaves Wolverine as nothing but a smoking Adamantium coated skeleton. “Damn Scott, I didn’t know you had that in you,” says Iceman. “Neither did Logan,” replies Cyclops as he puts his visor back on. “This is war.” Banshee is flying high above the battlefield when he is targeted by Cyclonus. The Decepticon is flying right at him, but Banshee doesn’t hesitate and lets loose a powerful sonic scream. Cyclonus, however, keeps coming at him, and before Banshee can fly out of the way, he is skewered with the long spire on the nose of Cyclonus’s jet mode. This causes Thunderbird to run up the dead giant War Skrull’s body and leap onto Cyclonus as he flies by. He then starts smashing his way into the Decepticon and starts ripping circuitry out of him. Thunderbird finally gets through and damages Cyclonus’s spark, but it causes the Transformer to explode in a fiery mess that kills the X-Man as well. Dark Phoenix then is surrounded by the Original X-Men. Iceman tries to encase her in a massive block of ice, but she easily breaks free and uses her cosmic powers to obliterate Iceman and Beast. Cyclops hits her with an enormous optic blast, but it has little effect. Dark Phoenix then flies up into the air and incinerates Angel. Jean Grey attacks Dark Phoenix with her telepathic abilities and since technically they are the same person, this wreaks havoc on both of their minds. Cyclops blasts Dark Phoenix again with his optic beams and the combined powers of the three of them causes Dark Phoenix to explode with cosmic energy, destroying them. Triggerhappy and Slugslinger with their Targetmaster partners, dive-bomb the battlefield and blast away the remaining six S.H.E.I.L.D. Agents. They, along with the Backyardigans’s other Transformers, then transform into their robot modes and attack the rest of Team Sleeping Pussy. Binary is the first to respond to this attack. She blasts a hole right through Slugslinger and flies through him as she blows away Caliburst. Triggerhappy fires Blowpipe and kills Xenomorphs #3-7, and 19. Skullcruncher transforms into his alligator mode and eats the four Compys and then snaps his powerful jaws down on Deathbird. The 12 Sentinels fly in and try to attack, but are all collectively hit by Team Sleeping Pussy’s ten Female Sentinels. Then in a flurry laser blasts, the slightly outnumbered Female Sentinels actually come out on top, killing all of the Sentinels. But only Female Sentinels #4 and 9 survive. Captain Boomerang tries to fling several of his exploding boomerangs at Triggeerhappy, but the Transformer evades them and kills the Aussie. But just as boomerangs are know to do, they swing back around and blows up Triggerhappy’s head and kills Blowpipe as well. Fangry and Brisko are then swarmed by the Xenomorphs. They are able to kill Xenomorphs #1, 2, 10, 13 and 17 before finally being taken down by the great numbers. Vision then flies in and quickly disrupts Cyclonus’s Armada’s circuitry, which destroys him. He then lands and Skullcruncher tries to blast him away, but Vision phases, which allows the laser blast to pass through him and hit Doublecross, killing the Autobot. Skullcruncher and Grax are then overwhelmed by the firepower of Binary, Kilowog and Ultron. The 19 remaining Black and Green Dragons swoop in and spray their acid and poison all over the Xenomorphs, but do not have much effect on the acid-blooded aliens. Vader then sends Red Hulk and Doomsday in to take care of the Xenomorphs. The two Backyardigans powerhouses stomp their way in and brutally beat the life out of the remaining Xenomorphs. Mastermind then uses his illusion creating ability to make Red Hulk think that Doomsday is another Xenomorph. Red Hulk attacks Doomsday with great ferocity. They both start pounding on each other with punches that could level a mountain. In the end, Doomsday overpowers his confused teammate and is forced to break his neck. Mastermind then tries to use his powers on Doomsday, but to no avail. Doomsday just charges in and crushes Mastermind beneath his foot. He continues his path of destruction and easily dispatches, Kahn Noonian Sighn, Black Cat, Enchantress and the powerful Blockbuster. Doomsday then targets Dr. Manhattan and sprints towards the former Jon Osterman. He then simply waives his hand at the charging behemoth and blows him into atoms. This allows the rest of Team Sleeping Pussy the opportunity to charge the Backyardigans forces. Cloak opens up his robe and consumes Black Dragons #5-9, and Green Dragons 1-5 as they fly right at him. Super Skrull uses his Fantastic Four abilities and wraps Sasquatch in his stretchy arm and sets his fur on fire. The Canadian hero tries to break free, but Super Skrull is using an invisible force field to keep the pressure on. He then uses his Thing-like strength to finally snap the spine of Sasquatch. Absorbing Man knows that this could be his final match, and intends to make his mark. He touches Ultron and takes on the physical properties of Adamantium. He then swings his ball and chain and smashes Boba Fett in his helmet. Absorbing Man swings it again and this time breaks the neck of the bounty hunter. The Black Dragons swing around and spray their acid all over Absorbing Man, but with great concentration, he is able to take the properties of the acid and fires them at the five Green Dragons flying high above. Every last one falls to their death. Exhausted by this effort, Absorbing Man returns back to his human form. Unfortunately this is unwise, as Michael Myers slowly comes up behind him and chokes the life right out of him, sending him to the Graveyard. Bullseye leaps in and launches several blades at Duncan MacLeod’s neck. But they do not sever his head from his shoulders, but they do severely injure him. Bullseye spin kicks Duncan’s sword out of his hand and catches it himself. He then swings it and lops off the Highlander’s head. Ozymandias tries to best Darth Talon in hand-to-hand combat, but Darth Talon quickly slices him in half with her lightsaber. Mothra flies high into the air, but is attacked by Vehicle Voltron. The giant moth is simply overpowered by the massive robot and is destroyed. On the ground Zabu the Saber-toothed tiger leaps ferociously at Krypto, but the super-powered dog fires his heat vision right into Zabu’s open mouth and defeats him. Darth Vader has finally seen enough and along with Tyrone he jumps into battle. With lightsaber drawn, he immediately goes after the Comedian and drives the glowing red blade deep into his chest. Tyrone runs and rams Brainiac to the ground, which allows Darth Vader to relieve the intelligent Coluan of his head. Vulcan instantly targets Kilowog and even though the Green Lantern puts up a green force field, Vulcan’s immense power is too much for him to defend and he is obliterated. Ultron blast Black Dragons #1, 3 and 11 out of the sky. Binary takes flight again and hits Black Dragon #12 with an energy blast that finally kills the last dragon. The six Dementors fly in and collectively drains the souls of Silk Spectre II, Ka-Zar, Cloak, Dagger, Unus the Untouchable, and Night Owl II. Witnessing the death of Silk Spectre II is too much for even Dr. Manhattan to accept. Vision, Super Skrull, Ultron, Binary, Bullseye, and Rorschach all regroup around Dr. Manhattan, formulate a plan. But he has none. He simply looks towards the Dementors, causing them to disintegrate in a flash. Rorschach finds himself looking up at the towering Michael Myers, but is not fazed. He tries to punch and kick the serial killer, but they have very little affect. Michel grabs Rorschach by the throat and squeezes until Rorschach mask begins to turn red with blood. He drops the vigilante’s lifeless body and he moves against Vision. The android phases his hand deep into Michael’s chest and rematerlizes it to finally bring an end to his bloody path of destruction. Binary flies in and hits Vulcan with a blast of cosmic energy, but he is able to control it and use it against Binary, which completely fries her. Nazgul #6 flies in the night sky with his sword drawn on his Fell Beast and dive-bombs Super Skrull and Ultron. His cursed blade drives deep into Super Skrull’s neck, but as he passes by, Ultron kills the Fell Beast with his energy blast. The Nazgul is able to leap off at the last moment and stalks Ultron. The robot is about to let loose another blast, but Darth Talon slips in and slices Ultron in several pieces with her lightsaber. Orion and Magog together move against Vision and are able to destroy him with a combination of their powers. In a last ditch effort, Bullseye rips off a piece of Ultron’s Adamatium body and launches it at Tyrone, but Vader uses the Force to redirect it right into Bullseye’s face. Now the last member of Team Sleeping Pussy prepares to make his final stand. Dr. Manhattan grows larger than Vehicle Voltron and obliterates it. He then shrinks back down and creates several duplicates of himself, and in a combined effort, they vaporize Orion, Magog, Carnage, Nazgul #6 and Krypto. The arrogant Vulcan flies right at the Dr. Manhattan’s but he explodes in bloody mess from their powers. Now Darth Vader, along with his apprentice and Tyrone, stares down Dr. Manhattan, who has reconstituted himself into one being. Tyrone and Darth Talon both try to move against him, but just like their teammates before, they meet the same fate. Vader then slowly walks towards Dr. Manhattan, who blankly stares back at the Sith Lord. Manhattan raises his hand up towards Darth Vader, but the former Anakin Skywalker uses the Force to actually keep ever last one of his atoms together. His armor shaking violently, Vader slowly continues his march towards Dr. Manhattan. He then ignites his lightsaber and actually surprises Dr. Manhattan with his next move. Lord Vader drives it deep into his chest, and somehow is able to affect the blue being. The lightsaber somehow disrupts Dr. Manhattan’s make up and actually kills him, but the strange interaction between the lightsaber and Dr. Manhattan causes it to explode at well. The badly damaged Vader slowly limps to the locker room.

BECKERMAN’S BACKYARDIGANS BEEYAATCHES ARE VICTORIOUS!