The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 7 Match: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve.

In the locker room of The Horsemen of Apokolips are Grand Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, Archangel, Plo Koon, Dementors #11-16, Havok, Balrog of Moria, Swamp Thing, Exitar the Exterminator, Hades, The Sentry, Daken, Venom 2, Moonstone, Charlton Heston, The Stunticons: Motor Master, Drag Strip, Wild Rider, Dead End and Breakdown.

Luke Skywalker: Our owner has hand picked us as the Endor combatants. We should not fail him.

Venom 2: Can’t wait to rip some Kennelz apart!

Daken: Slice and dice!

In the locker room of Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are Ares, Mace Windu on Robin's Motorcycle, Jedi Padawan #30 on a Ducati, Galactus and Nova, Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano in The Outrider, Green Lanterns #1-2 and 4-5, Jade, The Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Triton, and Karnak, Annihilus, Dr. Doomsday, The Matrix Twins in a Ferrari Testarossa, Peter Petrelli, and Lord Voldemort.

Mace Windu: We need to take advantage of our vehicles on this occasion.

Jedi Padawan #30: You and I on the bikes should be explosive!

I transport the teams to the battlefield.

Charlton Heston authoritatively leads the charge for the Horsemen – as he did when he was Moses in the “Ten Commandments.”

Heston: Come on, you damn dirty Kennelz!

Peter Petrelli takes to the sky and lands on a branch high in the trees. He looks down and scopes his prey: Charlton Heston. Petrelli flies down, grabs Heston and smashes him into a tree. Heston falls down and actually gets back up.

Heston: Is that all you’ve got boy?!?! I’m Heston for G-d’s sake!

Petrelli flies back to the ground and with his hands, uses a “flame” power. The fire sets Heston ablaze. Heston dies - a flaming pyre. Petrelli flies to the trees again and scopes for other prey. As he does, he is suddenly caught by webbing. He cannot break the webs. He looks above and sees Venom 2.

Venom 2: Little Mr. Petrelli,
Stood in a tree,
Waiting to kill Mr. H;
Along came a spider,
Who sat down above him,
And then ripped his arms off!

Venom rips Petrelli’s arms off. Petrelli falls to the ground and bleeds out.

Venom 2: Never did much like nursery rhymes. . .

The Matrix Twins skirt around most of the trees in their Ferrari Testarossa. Soon though, the brush and trees are too thick to maneuver the vehicle. As the Twins attempt to back the car up from the trees which block their way, they are met by the Stunticons Gestalt - Menasor. Menasor uses his punch (with a force of 140 tons) to smash to Ferrari. The Matrix Twins manage to escape. As they phase away from the vehicle, Menasor uses his weapons to kill the Twins. Menasor uses his cyclone gun to blow one of the twins away and uses his silver ionizer sword (with a charge of 50,000 volts) to electrocute the other. After the deaths of the Ferrari and Twins, due to the massively conflicting personalities, the Stunticons separate from their Gestalt and into Breakdown, Drag Strip, Wildrider, Dead End and Motormaster.

Mace Windu on Robin's motorcycle and Jedi Padawan #30 on a Ducati zig-zag through the forest. Moonstone flies above. The ground starts to explode around the cycles as Moonstone uses her energy blasts. Sentry projects an energy field which the Padawan’s Ducati crashes into. Padawan #30 is thrown off the destroyed Ducati. Windu spins Robin’s motorcycle around and the Padawan jumps on. They race off while Moonstone and Sentry give chase. Windu and Padawan #30 manage to escape the eyes of Moonstone and Sentry. As the two race on the motorcycle, Daken springs out of the brush and slices the bike. Now out of control, Padawan #30 and Windu jump off the bike and acrobatically land on their feet. Daken, claws extended, faces the two Jedi. As the two come to him, out spring Plo Koon and Skywalker. Plo Koon easily dispatches with Padawan #30. Windu and Skywalker are somewhat evenly matched until their fracas is joined by Daken, Moonstone and Sentry. The three are too much for Windu, who is sliced by Daken and Skywalker, followed by being blown apart by Moonstone and Sentry.

Jade runs through the forest. She stops as the Balrog of Moria rises from Endor’s forest floor through a hole in the ground. In its hands are a flaming sword and the infamous many-thronged whip of flame. Jade attempts to wound the Balrog to no avail. The whip catches and trips her and the Balrog uses his sword to slice her in half.

The Greek gods face off against one another: Hades and Ares. The God of the Underworld is extremely strong. He begins to use his powers to raise the dead who have already fallen on the battlefield. He will manipulate them as his puppets against Ares. Ares though, being the God of War, has already tactically pre-thought Hades’ decisions and countermanded them. Ares then kills Hades.

Archangel has joined Moonstone, and Sentry. The trio flies through the trees. They are met by Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5 and Nova. The Green Lanterns combine their ring powers and bat Moonstone around. Moonstone crumples to the forest floor, battered and beaten. The Swamp Thing rises from the mucky ground and carries Moonstone away to recoup her strength. The Lanterns then face off against Archangel and Sentry. Archangel projects his razor sharp feathers that slice through Green Lanterns #1 and #2, who both die from their injuries. Green Lanterns #4-5 team up and blast Sentry. Sentry is injured, but with Archangel’s assistance manages to dispatch of the remaining Lanterns. Nova flies upon the scene and through the use of the power cosmic, the Herald of Galactus destroys both Sentry and Archangel.

Dementors #11-16 float through the forest. They see the Inhumans and focus their destructive energy on same. Before they can even reach their battleground destination, Black Bolt opens his mouth and with his hypersonic voice shreds all Dementors #11-16 apart. After the Dementors are destroyed, the Inhumans focus on the other Horsemen still standing. Karnak uses his master martial arts skills to fight Daken. He senses a weak point and strikes at Daken’s knee. Daken shouts and goes down. As Karnak is about to go for the death blow, Daken’s claws impale Karnak’s foot. Daken then twists Karnak’s foot and brings Karnak to the ground. Daken pummels Karnak repeatedly with his claws. Daken’s healing ability begins to do its thing. Meanwhile, Medusa’s prehensile hair struggles with Venom 2’s prehensile symbiotic appendages. The two battle one another to a near standstill until Venom’s viciousness and ruthlessness takes the upper hand. Venom kills Medusa and then rips out her hair. Venom 2 puts Medusa’s hair on his head. Plo Koon and Grand Jedi Luke Skywalker easily dispatch with Triton.

Venom 2: Anyone like me as a redhead?!?!

Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano fly above in The Outrider. They look below and see Moonstone being carried by the Swamp Thing. The Swamp Thing sees the Outrider and uses his abilities to control the plant life of Endor. The vines and branches of the trees entangle the Outrider. Although the Outrider is not destroyed, its weapons are not enough to stop its plant life prison. Skywalker and Tano jump from the Outrider. The Jedi duo swing down the branches, slicing through the vines as they travel to the ground. As they hit the forest floor, Tano jumps to where the Swamp Thing and Moonstone are. Moonstone, still not dead, uses a blast to shove Tano back. In defense, Tano deflects the blast back at Moonstone. Moonstone is killed by her own powers. Anakin, somewhat angry at his padawan’s death, slashes through Swamp Thing. Grand Master Luke Skywalker and Plo Koon come upon the scene. Skywalker battles Skywalker. Anakin eventually falls since Luke is much more advanced in his Jedi skills than the young version of his father. Plo Koon, his skills far outmatching Tano’s abilities, strikes her down.

The Herald of Galactus is seen, once again, flying through the forest. She sees Havok. Nova uses her cosmic powers against Havok. Using his mutant abilities, Havok is able to absorb the cosmic energy and blast it back at her. Nova is thrown a few miles away.

Lord Voldemort and Dr. Doomsday join Ares. The power trio sees the Stunticons: Motor Master, Drag Strip, Wild Rider, Dead End and Breakdown. No longer in their Gestalt forms, the three know they are more easily defeated. Lord Voldemort uses his sorcery and powers to destroy Dead End. Dr. Doomsday manages to crush Wild Rider. Ares destroys Breakdown.

Galactus and Annihilus come to the scene. Annihilus uses his powers to destroy Venom 2. Galactus then easily wipes out Daken, Motor Master and Dragstrip. Exitar the Exterminator comes to the scene and uses his Celestial power to kill Galactus. Nova flies to the scene and seeing her master, and more importantly the most powerful of the present Kennelz, go down in defeat so easily, uses her powers to retreat with Ares, Black Bolt, Annihilus, Dr. Doomsday and Lord Voldemort.

One hears on the Kennelz retreat-

Dr. Doomsday: You weak female - we had the Horsemen where we wanted them!

Voldemort: We had a plan! We had Exitar all but destroyed! You took us too early!

Nova: Tell it to our owner! He’d rather see a retreat than another death notched next to your names!

The Kennelz fly away. . .

Horsemen: Grand Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, Plo Koon, Havok, Balrog of Moria, Exitar the Exterminator alive.

Kennelz: Ares, Nova, Black Bolt, Annihilus, Dr. Doomsday and Lord Voldemort – alive, but retreat.

THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICOTORIOUS!!!!