ALICE'S WONDER TEAM vs. P.M.S.

"They mapped the Arctic Ocean with this thing."
―Clay Condit

I look at the teams to do battle in the Arctic Ocean during this Week 2 Match. They are as follows:

Alice’s Wonder Team: Q, General Zod and Anti-Monitor.

P.M.S.: Freddy Krueger (with a yellow power ring), Black Dragon #12, Jack Sparrow, Xenomorph #51, Spawn, Blue Devil, and The Candy Land Crew: Gingerbread People #1-3, Mr. Mint, Gramma Nut, King Kandy, Jolly, Plumpy, Princess Lolly, Queen Frostine, Lord Licorice and Gloppy the Molasses Monster.

Above the icy waters I see Xenomorph #51 riding on the back of Black Dragon #12. The Xenomorph and Dragon are flying slightly above the clouds to gain a necessary vantage point on their foes. The monsters see General Zod flying directly beneath them. Fierce, animalistic war cries are heard as the Xenomorph and Dragon dive-bomb Zod.

Zod (turning to face Xenomorph #51 and Dragon #12): Oh you stupid beasts; never announce that you are coming upon Zod.

Zod twists out of the way of the P.M.S. crew and smashes Xenomorph #51 off of the flying creature. Xenomorph #51 shrieks as it realizes its imminent death. A large slapping sound is heard at the impact of the alien’s body hitting the water; Xenomorph #51 dies. After removing the Xenomorph from the Dragon’s back, Zod immediately latches onto the neck of Black Dragon #12. Although the Dragon tries to turn its neck to spit acid at the Kryptonian, it is unable to do so. Zod reaches around Black Dragon #12’s neck and snaps it. The Dragon’s body convulses and falls to the waters below, making a large splash before rising to the surface again, somewhat buoyant.

Jack Sparrow swims over to the carcass of Dragon #12 and climbs aboard its belly. Q sees this interesting human and transports himself to be with Sparrow.

Sparrow: Hello, my good man. Your outfit demurs you.

Q (looks down at his clingy, white unitard): Speak for yourself, you’re wearing eyeliner.

Sparrow gives a rouge-ish smile.

Sparrow: May I have a brief word?

Q: Of course, I’m all ears.

Sparrow begins to whisper. Since Q cannot hear the babblings of the somewhat awkward pirate, Q draws closer. Just as Q is next to Sparrow, the pirate draws his sword and shoves it through Q’s gut. Q smiles, pulls the sword out of himself and impales Sparrow.

Sparrow (looks down): Damn. . . that hurts. . .

Sparrow falls into the water; dead. Q hears laughing coming from what appears to be a thin raft. The raft is slowly moving toward his location. Q smiles at the many colored-game board with all of its characters. Although not human, they still look interesting to Q. Q waits for the characters to approach next to the Dragon’s body, which is now Q’s flotation device.

Q: Hello my friends. Why don’t you come aboard my dragon here and we can discuss the semantics of the remaining battle?

The members of the Candyland Crew smile at Q. They wave him over to their raft-board. Q jumps on the Candyland raft, but does not notice that the loving, smiling and adorable Candyland Crew have morphed into violent, disgusting “mirrors” of themselves due to Freddy Krueger’s tinkering. These are Krueger’s new dream warriors. Before Q notices, the entire Candyland Crew of savages, they attack.

I hear the taunting rhymes of the Candyland Crew as their vicious actions escalate.

Lord Licorice: Dear Q, I am sure you like to be wrapped, [Lord Licorice uses licorice lassos to wrap Q up. Q is unable to move].

Gloppy: But not glopped up with what looks like cr%p; [Gloppy shoots a flow of molasses that surges over the licorice. The glop hardens and Q’s body is now strung together by licorice and petrified by hardened molasses.

Queen Frostine: A little ice cream cold to make you shiver, [Frostine uses her ice cream freezing powers to fortify Q’s encasement].

Gingerbread Woman: But face the fists of the Gingerbread and quiver. [The Gingerbread People take advantage of Q’s predicament and start hitting Q. Unfortunately, their brittle bodies begin to crumble when they hit him; Gingerbread People #1-3 have sacrificed themselves, but have bloodied Q in the process.

King Kandy: And here is to you, a kick in the head,

Gramma Nut: While keeping you alive, you’re no fun to us dead;

[King Kandy and Gramma Nut start where the Gingerbread people have finished and start stomping on Q’s head. Q is barraged by the pummeling. As Q falls over to the ground of the game board, he sees various colors: yellow, red, blue and green. Unfortunately the green is actually the rump of Plumpy.]

Plumpy: So cosmic dude, suck my big green a$$, [Plumpy sits on Q’s face and starts smothering him. A beaten and wearied Q gasps for air].

Princess Lolly: But don’t give s#!t to this little lass. [Lolly comes up with sharpened lollipops in both hands. She slices Q’s throat].

Jolly: And now for the coup-de-gras,

Mr. Mint: A candy cane through your great big maw.
[Mint walks up to Q and uses a large candy cane to skewer Q both through his mouth and head].

Q feels his tattered body weaken (although he smells very sweet) as it rolls off into the waters beneath the game board. He is about to warp reality when he realizes that he has experienced pain like a true human. He knows he has a substantial number of deaths to give before he meets his ultimate FFL Graveyard fate and accepts same. Thus, he wants to feel his life force ebb from his body and feel death, once again. He does nothing and drifts in the icy waters below, with a serene smile on his face.

The Anti-Monitor sees the fate of Q and is shocked by the pure selfishness and weakness of his omnipotent brethren in this battle. He focuses on the Candyland Crew and uses his cosmic powers and energy manipulation abilities to shred the candy participants to pieces. Mr. Mint, Gramma Nut, King Kandy, Jolly, Plumpy, Princess Lolly, Queen Frostine, Lord Licorice and Gloppy the Molasses Monster are decimated, leaving only sweet goo trails on the raft, where their bodies had once been.

Anti-Monitor: How sweet it is. . .

Krueger uses his yellow lantern ring to float both Spawn and Blue Devil along with him. Together, the trio fights Zod. Spawn lashes his chains around Zodd’s neck and prevents Zod from flying away, while Blue Devil uses his magical trident to skewer the Kryptonian. Although Zodd is mortally wounded, he manages to freeze both Spawn and Blue Devil with his breath. The two icicled P.M.S. crew fall to their frozen deaths. Anti-Monitor has had enough and although a pitched battle ensues, Krueger is no match for a Crisis-causer. The Anti-Monitor eventually sees his opening and kills Krueger.

Alice’s Wonder Team: Anti-Monitor lives.
P.M.S.: All dead.

ALICE’S WONDER TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!!!