Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos vs. Built (Bill) Ford Tough

“How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is quite clearly Ocean.”
-Arthur C. Clarke

I look at the teams to do battle in the Arctic Ocean during this Week 2 Match. They are as follows:

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos: Numnius, Dave Bowman: The Starchild, Zombie Cloverfield Monster, Captain Steven Hiller in a Mig, and Captain Tarpals and Zombie Al Dogg in a Swift Boat.

Built (Bill) Ford Tough: Jeff Houslander, Gigantor, Despotellis, Grimace, Harrison Ford and Barry Sanders in a Hovercraft, Darkwing Duck, The Flaming Carrot, Steve McQueen, The Beatles: John, Paul, George and Ringo, Arachnids #1-3, Scout Trooper #1 and Treasure Troll #3.

Captain Tarpals and Zombie Al Dogg race across the waters in their Swift Boat. Captain Tarpals lowers his scanner and points to their first victims: Harrison Ford and Barry Sanders. The Built (Bill) Ford Tough’s crew is in a Hovercraft that is heading their way. The combatants are ready for one another. The two crafts slow down so that either is able to breach the other’s craft. Just as Harrison Ford and Barry Sanders are about to board the Swift Boat, Zombie Cloverfield Monster surfaces from the watery depths and knocks the hovercraft twenty feet into the air. Ford and Sanders are transplanted from the boat and into the water. As the Cloverfield Monster Zombie is about to capture Ford and Sanders, Gigantor barrels into the zombie. The two huge combatants enter into a fierce battle. Gigantor manages to rip off the elongated arms of the Monster. Although without its major limbs, it still attempts to bite Gigantor in anticipation that it will “turn” its enemy. Unfortunately for Cloverfield, its efforts fail because Gigantor is a robot. Gigantor eventually puts his fist through Zombie Cloverfield Monster’s skull and the zombie dies.

Steven Hiller flies his Mig and notices the destruction of his Zombie Cloverfield Monster teammate. He flies his Mig at Gigantor and unloads both his rockets and bullets into the robot. The robot is barraged by the combined Mig weaponry. Gigantor is “robotically” (mortally) wounded [NEW COINED TERM BY THIS WATCHER: “ROBOTICALLY WOUNDED”? YOU MAKE THE CALL!] . Before Gigantor faces its fate, it manages to clip the wing of Steven Hiller’s Mig, The Mig spirals out of control and Hiller ejects from the cockpit. The body of Gigantor and the Mig meet their fates together. As Hiller is traveling down in his parachute, he is met by the sentient virus Despotellis. The Sinestro Corpsman burns Hiller from the inside out and flies away.

Back at the swift boat-hovercraft scene, Tarpals dives into the water to meet both Ford and Sanders, who are treading water. Before the Gungan can reach them, they manage to reach the still-uprighted swift boat. As they shake the water off themselves they are met by Zombie Al Dogg. Harrison Ford is bitten by Al Dogg and dies. Zombie Al Dogg is waiting for Ford to become a zombie, but it turns out that Al Dogg just hasn’t got the hang of turning another into a zombie just yet. All that remains is Ford’s corpse, never to become a zombie. In the confusion, Sanders trips over Ford’s body into the water. He knows that he is more than a match for Zombie Al Dogg and reaches the swift boat again. As he is about to pull himself up, Tarpals grabs Sanders and carries him down into the deep waters below. Sanders drowns. Zombie Al Dogg simply stands and watches the drowning when an incredible beast bursts out of the waters and plummets on top of Al Dogg; it is Grimace. Grimace squishes Zombie Al Dogg’s head and kicks the body in the water. Zombie Al Dogg is dead-really dead-not zombie dead-character not coming back at the end of this match dead. Grimace commandeers the swift boat and picks up his friends who have been treading water since the match’s inception. Grimace now rides in the swift boat with the Flaming Carrot, Jeff Houslander, Steve McQueen, the Beatles, Scout Trooper #1 and Treasure Troll #3.

Tarpals looks at the swift boat racing away. He notices that the hovercraft is nearby, although tipped over. He decides that it will still give him some time to rest and recuperate for the future skirmishes. Tarpals reaches the hovercraft and slowly climbs a top the device. Before he can react, Arachnids #1-3 scuttle from the other side of the craft and tear Tarpals apart. Arachnids #1-3 see Whoopi Goldberg, I mean Numnius and Dave Bowman: The Starchild walking on water toward the battle. With a swish of their mutual hands, both Arachnids #1-3 and the hovercraft explode into balls of fire, killing all Arachnids and destroying the hovercraft.

Darkwing Duck picks up Treasure Troll #3 from the boat and flies over to meet their teammate Despotellis in its confrontation with the cosmic entities. Despotellis manages to wound Numnius, who is reeling from the poisonous effects caused by the living virus. Darkwing Duck and Treasure Troll #3 use this to their advantage and begin chewing on her arms. Numnius shakes the Duck and Troll off her arms and with a calming smile, puts them away into a never-ending sleep. Despotellis flies around again, meaning to finish its mission by killing one of the two Commandos. Before it can do additional damage to the pacifist entity known as Numnius, Bowman destroys the yellow lantern.

The swift boat inhabitants- Grimace, Flaming Carrot, Jeff Houslander, Steve McQueen, the Beatles and Scout Trooper #1, know that they are going to die, but want to take out at least one of the entities before their deaths-as their teammates Despotellis, Darkwing Duck and Treasure Troll #3 attempted previously.

Numnius and Bowman float to the swift boat, whose combatants are waiting.

Bowman: Any last requests?

Numnius: Let them die with dignity and give them their last requests. . . So say I, Numnius, the generous watcher of hope and dreams.

Before they know it, the Tough crew is watching a swim match between Jeff Houslander and Steve McQueen. Their dying wishes were to finally see who the better swimmer was. [SHOUT OUT JARODATU!!! R.I.P.!!!]

Bowman: ENOUGH!!! This is an embarrassment!!!

With those words Bowman lashes out with a cosmic wave that rips apart the entire remaining Tough crew of Steve McQueen, Jeff Houslander, Flaming Carrot, Grimace, all of the Beatles and Scout Trooper #1.

Bowman: Should you ever embarrass me with such an episode again I will destroy you myself. . .

Bowman floats away with a hesitant Numnius following behind, head down.

Bowman (heard whispering to himself) : I buried Paul. . . .

Built (Bill) Ford Tough: All Dead.

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos: Dave Bowman-the Starchild and Numnius survive.

POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA’S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS” TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!