The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigans: Beeyatches

The Horsemen of Apokolips are Supergirl, Achilles, Sabertooth, Scar, Star Sapphire #1, Hal Jordan Parallax (w/ an extra green lantern ring, Sinestro's yellow lantern ring, and a red lantern ring), Black Lantern Thanos, Flamebird and Nightwing, Phoenix, Exitar the Exterminator, Jamie Madrox, Starscream, Luke Skywalker Grand Jedi Master in a Z-95 Headhunter, Plo Koon in an F-35, Ce Ce Denowi (w/ an Indigo Lantern Ring) in a Mig, Larry Reamer (w/ a green lightsaber and the little brown laser) in Rolling Thunder (w/ Scout), Pete Sosa: Dark Jedi and Ryan Poteracki (w/ a Mithril Vest, laser gun, laser sword, and Pokeball) in The Delorean Time Machine, Chris Artrip (w/ Mandalorian Armor and a green lightsaber) w/ Julie Artrip (w/ a green lightsaber and a Star Wand), and Ella Artrip (w/ a blue lightsaber) in The Pimpmobile, and Josh Houslander: Jedi Knight (w/ a blue lantern ring) w/ Laya and Alex Houslander: Jedi Younglings in The Millennium Bucko.

Beckerman’s Backyardigans: Beeyatches are Darth Vader on a Hovercraft (actually a Hover Disk), Darth Talan, Boba Fett (w/ X-Kryptonite), Dark Phoenix, Black Lantern Apocalypse, Black Lantern Parallax, Wolverine, Vulcan, The Backyardigans: Pablo (w/ a Halberd), Austin w/ an Atlas), Tyrone (w/ a Heat Axe), Uniqua (w/ a red lightsaber), and Tasha (w/ a green lightsaber, Magog (w/ a green lantern ring), The Living Tribunal and The One Above All, Mogo, Oblivion, Orion, Yendar Platis, Tenderheart, Cheer Bear, and Chip N’ Dale (in Tomorrow Land Space Gear).


In years past, the first round has been reserved for battles that many were fairly certain of the outcome of, well before they took place. But this year we have a different story. The returning Champions from Season Three did a bit of underachieving this year, and for a while it was not even certain if they would make the play-offs. Well, The Backyardigans are here but as the 8th and final seed which means they must square off against the American League’s Perennial Number One Seed The Horsemen of Apokolips. Due to the pre-match exposure, Dark Phoenix, Wolverine, Vulcan, Oblivion, and Chip and Dale have all been temporarily given extra powers, similar to those of Kryptonians, due to their exposure to X-Kryptonite. Boba Fett gathers all of these characters around him to let them soak up the power of X-Kryptonite (invented by Supergirl ironically) to give them all the added edge which just may be enough to tip the scales and grant them there first ever victory over The Horsemen. My vision becomes clouded as the realities of what could happen, did happen, should happen, and would happen become intertangled as that which once was becomes what is no longer. In one eye, I see Supergirl, Flamebird, and Nightwing easily falling and dying at the feet of Boba Fett as the Kryptonian like mutants wreak havoc on the rest of The Horsemen but then I see in my other eye an evil guardian laughing over the dead carcasses of children’s cartoon characters. Perhaps these contradictory events all did take place within the course of this one match and it is through this curious chain of events that led to the reality which surrounds me. Supergirl, Flamebird, and Nightwing did fall, as well as most of the other Horsemen, but I also now see them all back alive once more, with Boba Fett missing from the action. I hope to have all of you readers confused enough, so I can take the story in a different direction. The change in the story began as three vehicles raced by two force users, one Jedi, and one Sith. Yendar Platis and Darth Talan simultaneously force pushed The Pimpmobile and The Millennium Bucko over on to their sides causing the occupants of the two cherry rides to pop with lightsabers drawn and at the ready. While these two vehicles were being totaled a Delorean drove by with Ryan hanging out the passenger side window. Ryan yells to Pete: “We have to stop and help them, they can’t take those two by themselves“. Pete replies: “They are going to have to if we are going to change the course of this match”. Ryan knows that Pete is right, but he does help out a little. Darth Talan is about to stab Josh in the back with her lightsaber, when Ryan pulls out his pokeball and launches it at the Sith Lord. It hits Lord Talan in the back of the head and stuns her for a moment, while Piplup pops out of the pocket monster holder and joins the fight (a fight we will come back to in good time). As the pokemon hatches, Pete throws it in to 5th gear and the Delorean makes its way up to 88 miles per hour. 1.21 giggowatts of electricity flow through the circuits and the time machine does what it is designed to do. Both Dark Jedi Pete and Ryan have already seen the potential negative outcome of this match, and they know that the only true contribution that they can make is to put a stop to Boba Fett before he even starts. Pete and Ryan come out of the time warp yesterday and find Boba Fett by himself preparing the X-Kryptonite for use in today’s match. Pete and Ryan waste no time popping out of the vehicle and drawing their weapons. Boba Fett is taken off guard but he ignites his jetpack and leaps in to action as well. Fett gains a quick understanding of the situation and says to them: “You fools, I’ll merely defeat you and then use your time machine to bring myself and the kryptonite in to the exact desired spot of the battle. You haven’t defeated me, you have done me a favor”. Laser blasts from all three combatants fill the metal-walled garage that they are battling in. Pete draws his lightsaber, and Ryan his laser sword; but the two Horsemen are never able to get close enough to Fett to use them. Pete back-flips on to the roof of the car but Boba Fett lands on the hood and prepares to face off against him. Ryan rushes at Fett with his laser weapons drawn, but Boba turns and quickly shoots Ryan in the chest. Pete swings his saber but Fett ducks out of the way and catches Pete with his grappling wire around the neck. He begins to strangle the Dark Jedi and says in to Sosa‘s dying eyes: “You and your friend were brave, but now this time machine will ignite the fire that burns out The Horsemen”. Fett drops Pete’s body and begins to open up the gull wing doors when from the corner, Ryan brushes off the burnt blaster ash from his Mithril Vest and says: “Not if I ignite some plutonium first” Ryan then takes aim with his laser gun and shoots both the gas nuclear gas tank and Mister Fusion which blows the Time Machine apart and kills everyone in the room...

Back in what has become the “real” battle...

Exitar the Exterminator has been sent to prove that just because you are “above” something doesn’t mean that you don’t die when a cosmic-powered metal killing machine rips you apart. This is what happens when Exitar crosses paths with The One Above All and his minion The Living Tribunal. Both of these beings perish; but Mogo from many light years away, manages to return the favor and take out the weakened Exitar with the full force of his industrial sized green energy powers. Also in the realm us earthlings like to call space, Phoenix manages to tie up Dark Phoenix for a little while. Delaying Dark Phoenix’s inevitable further destruction of unlucky Horsemen is about all the “good” version of Jean Grey is able to do though as Dark Phoenix takes pleasure in destroying this version of her former self, by overloading Phoenix with powers that Dark Phoenix knows she simply can‘t handle. Black Lantern Thanos and Orion take flight (shout out Ryan) and become locked in a pitched battle (shout out Bryan). Orion is able to match Thanos’ cosmic abilities but in the end the dead Thanos proves to hard to kill even for Orion, who’s heart is consumed by Thanos, in all his black lanterness. Hal Jordan Parallax rips through Oblivion to prove that no matter what punked-out-overblown-super-duper-ultra-powered versions of these characters you throw at me... Raynor is still a total Beeotch compared to Hal Jordan (sorry). Back on the planet: Luke Skywalker, Starscream, Plo Koon, and Ce Ce Denowi have gone on a strafing run of the desert which took out Cheer Bear and Tenderheart Bear (lucky for them, before he could form Tenderllax). They all form back together and begin flying in Delta Formation when Luke decides that they need to break off from one another. Luke says: “The four of us can stay together until we reach 4.5 on your radar, then Starscream and I are going to break off the two of you and head in to space. Our mission is to take out Mogo, and unfortunately your crafts are not space-worthy”. Ce Ce Denowi comes over the link and reminds Luke (and Ryan, who forgot as well (don’t worry dawg, the Commish has got you covered) that with the help of her Indigo Ring she can make her Mig space-worthy so she can help out after all. With this being decided, the three craft move through the atmosphere, while Plo Koon wishes them well and breaks off from the group. Master Koon is then met by the “Fearsome” Chip and Dale decked out in their space gear. The two of them have just fallen out of the atmosphere (perhaps because they lost their X-Kryptonite induced powers) and have landed on Plo Koon’s F-35. Plo has trouble shaking them, even after he puts the Marine Plane into several spins. Eventually Koon manages to force push the two critters off from within the cockpit and then is able to spin back around and M-60 the crap out of them with the use of the plane’s full-auto machine guns. Down in the forest Wolverine manages to sneak up on Star Sapphire #1 and gut the former midget before she can fight back. The Star Sapphire Ring instantly flies to its new owner Hal Jordan. Plo Koon comes under fire again, as he is confronted by the Black Lantern force of Apocalypse and Parallax. Black Lantern Apocalypse rips through the hull of the F-35, while Black Lantern Parallax rips through the body of Plo Koon, the two Black Lanterns then carry their reign of terror down to the city streets where they attack The Multiple Man himself, Jamie Madrox. Madrox manages to keep the two black lanterns busy for quite some time, but in the end Jamie has no powers which can truly compete with the zombified super-villains and every multiple is defeated. Larry Reamer is Rolling like Thunder in The Rolling Thunder “Sea-Bee Style” when Darth Vader comes flying in on his Hover-Disk (I’ll humor you with this Disney World stuff for a while Becks). Larry is about to start blowing up the desert with Rolling Thunder’s massive rockets when Vader starts ripping the vehicle apart with the force. Larry soon finds that working the massive vehicles controls are futile with such a powerful force user going against the tech, that he hops in to Scout and gets out before The Rolling Thunder blows up around him. Atop one of the city’s skyscrapers, Flamebird and Nightwing manage to double-team Vulcan in to submission. Flamebird is able to subdue him with massive amounts of heat vision, while Nightwing ferociously pounds on him with her fists. The two Kryptonians then join with Supergirl and the three of them rocket out of the atmosphere to aid Luke in his full frontal attack on Mogo. Achilles and Sabertooth rush to help out their fellow Myrmidons Julie and Chris and their family members, while Larry rolls up in Scout to do the same. Yendar Platis and Darth Talan are holding there own alright before this influx of Horsemen help arrives; but they receive some help as well, when Wolverine and The Backyardigans show up. As the match begins to shore up in to a few smaller skirmishes, Scar realizes that she hasn’t done anything other than be short in this match yet, so she flies off into space to aid Supergirl, Luke, and their homies; but not before she uses her cute little evil guardian teeth to rip out Magog‘s jugular. All space-worthy members of both teams rush towards what should basically be called The Battle of Mogo, while all non-space capable combatants (All but Vader who is making his way there now) are now in the wrecked area of the city where The Pimpmobile and Millennium Bucko were originally flipped over. Luke’s fighter assault does not seem to work as well against the living Mogo as it did The Deathstar. Mogo manages to blast both Ce Ce Denowi and Starscream out of existence, but lucky for The Horsemen, Coach Hannibal Lectur makes them do their homework, and Supergirl has thoroughly studied the way her cousin Superman ripped through the center of Mogo in the play-offs last year. Supergirl, doesn’t get cocky though; and she brings Flamebird and Nightwing with her as the three Kryptonians spin around rapidly through the center of the living planet and rip Mogo apart. Hal Jordan Parallax has all the right tools to be a one man Black Lantern Killing Machine, and that is exactly what he proves to be as he easily destroys both Black Lantern Apocalypse and Black Lantern Parallax with the flick of both of his respective wrists. Dark Phoenix uses her cosmic abilities to rip apart Luke’s Z-95 headhunter, which should expose him to the elements of space and kill him. Even Dark Phoenix is shocked to see that the force actually protects Luke from the rigors of space, at least long enough for Luke to force pull Dark Phoenix in close and kill her with his lightsaber in order for her to join him in death. The Horsemen have seemingly won the Battle of Mogo, but they know that the war is far from over. All remaining members of The Horsemen space squad race back to the Play-off Planet as quickly as possible to aid their terrestrial teammates. Josh Houslander, (Blue Lantern) Jedi Knight leads his five family members against the six armed Yendar Platis. They all know to go in height order, to maximize lightsaber swings for all of them. Josh, Laya, and Ella tie up the Jedi’s right side, while Chris, Julie, and Alex work on the left. Platis catches Fizz with a headshot that does him in, but Ella and Alex are able to cut off the Jedi’s legs at the knees. The body of the Jedi falls, and Julie finishes him off with a saber through the back. Larry is engaged in a pitched lightsaber battle with Uniqua but Reamer is able to use his size advantage to finish off the alien. Piplup douses the fire of the Heat Axe and then uses her full attack to take out Tyrone. Achilles jumps in to action and finishes off the remaining Backyardigans with ease and grace. Darth Talan comes raging back after her embarrassing bout with Piplup (remember that all the way from the beginning of the match). Lord Talan lops off the head of Larry on her way to gain some much required revenge on Josh and Julie and their kids (remember that from all the way in the beginning of the season). Josh and Julie both pull their lightsabers and attempt to protect their kids. They are both skilled swordsmen, and Josh’s Blue lantern abilities help as well; but Talan once again proves to skilled for them. Talan is able to stab Josh with her saber and then to finish off Julie with a healthy blast of Sith Lightning. Ella and Alex hold back tears after watching Darth Talan kill Josh and Julie and they begin to back up as she approaches. Achilles and Sabertooth then step in front of Ella and Alex. Achilles says: “perhaps you would care to battle with someone more your size”? But before Talan can respond, and before the skirmish can take place Achilles sees a blue lightsaber burst through the chest of Lord Talan. The Sith Lord falls and reveals Laya behind her who says: “Silly Sith Lords. I wonder if that chick will ever learn not to turn her back on me”? Darth Vader is confronted by Black Lantern Thanos, but Vader uses his mastery of both the light and dark sides of the force (and a little bit of lightsaber action as well) to kill Thanos with relative ease. Sabertooth and Wolverine square off in a battle not very dissimilar to those they have been fighting for decades, but this time Sabertooth battles through the claw attacks of Wolverine and is actually able to come out on top. Sabertooth uses his clawed fingers to rip thru the flesh around the neck of Wolverine and then uses bites down on his neck breaking every tooth in his own mouth and every finger in his hand. He then pulls every muscle in his back and arms as he rips Wolverine’s head clean off. Sabertooth lays down next to the headless Logan and begins to heal when Vader comes by with his lightsaber and removes Sabertooth of his head as well (R.I.P. Sabertooth). Flamebird and Nightwing land and surround Vader, while Piplup and Hal Jordan hang back so as not to interfere. Hal looks at Piplup and says: “Who the hell are you”? “Oh, me... I’m Piplup, I hatched out of Ryan’s pokeball. That reminds me, where did Ryan and Pete go anyway”? Piplup responds. Hal Jordan says: “Who knows, I doubt they accomplished much of anything”. In the meantime Vader makes his team’s last stand count as he stuns both Flamebird and Nightwing with a huge dose of Sith Lightning and then finishes them with his lightsaber. The exhausted Vader turns to find that he is confronted by two of the most famous Horsemen of all time Supergirl and Achilles. Achilles dodges the lightsaber swings of Vader, while Supergirl manages to uppercut the Dark Lord of the Sith down to the ground, breaking his helmet and exposing an easy kill spot for Achilles sword. Achilles and Supergirl share a solemn and silent moment while Scar lands next to them and says: “Hmm, and I thought this would be the last time I ever saw the two of you in a match”. Achilles nods to Supergirl and they both look over at Scar, while Supergirl says: “No, we die next week”
THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!!