Season 7, Week 5: Team Sleeping Pussy vs. Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse.

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Bizarro Superman, Korvac, Zombie Mephisto, Doctor Manhattan, Johnny Bates (Adult Kid Miracleman), Vampire Batman, Vampirella, Zombie Nightmare, Lizard, Droid Fighter Ships #13 & #14, Alexander Luthor, Sunfire, Psycho Pirate, Peacemaker, Nightshade, Catman, Cloak, Dagger, Quicksilver, War Machine, Johnny Blaze, Western Ghost Rider, Vanisher, Black Cat, D'Spayre, Binary, Zombie Bryan Beckerman, Zombie Ryan Poteracki, Female Sentinel #8, and Skrull #25.

The Grindhouse is: Golden Army #1-35, Xebel Soldiers #1-3, Skeletor's Centurions #2 & #3, Skeletor's Centurion #5, Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Tom Brady w/ Blue Lantern Ring, and Treasure Troll #9.

    

   Rebellion was rising in the Play-Off Planet's glorious city-state, and none were so affected as Peacemaker and Alexander Luthor. This was, in part, due to the influence of their travelling companion, Psycho Pirate. Mostly it was just because Peacemaker is dangerously unstable. "I just don't understand... why don't they appreciate me?! No matter how much peace I beat into people, nobody ever thanks me!" Peacemaker griped. Luthor backhanded Peacemaker. "Quit complaining, you psychotic moron! If you hadn't let the voices in your head coerce you so easily, we could have taken charge of that doomed revolt and made something of it."

"That protester had a f***ing detonator, man! Sh*t was gonna get all Boston Marathon if I didn't save us! I just don't know where the bomb was... or where the detonator went."

"She was an adolescent girl with a cell phone, you maniac! And she was protesting in our favor!" They were reminded of Psycho Pirate's presence when he chimed in from behind them. "You guys are great, especially you Peacemaker. You've got plenty of things rolling around in your head. Come on, Luthor, hit him again and get that rage out." Before he could oblige, Doctor Manhattan arrived by teleportation. "Comedian, we have a prob- Oh, Peacemaker. I thought you were a different psychopath. The Grindhouse is doing something strange in the desert, we have to go clean up." 

   In the desert, 35 clockwork soldiers stood in position against the gathering Sleeping Pussies. They formed a protective circle around Tom Brady, a treasure troll, three of Skeletor's best Darth Vader impersonators, and three Xebel Soldier corpses, dead from severe heat stroke. Brady, wearing the Crown of Bethmora, called out to the opposition in anger. "Wow, you guys really are p*ssies! Did you even read the schedule? Week six! One unique character, and the rest are supposed to be commons." Vampirella let out a sultry laugh. "This is match five, you fool. There was a week off after the fourth." A dumbstruck look crossed his face as the statement registered in his head. "Five? No, it's... Why did I get sent out here with a bunch of robots?! Whatever, I'm taking as many of you down with me as I can." The Golden Army lurched into action and swarmed TSP while Brady and the Centurions hung back. Their sudden rush caught some off guard, leaving Miracledog squashed and Victoria torn in half. As the bulk of their team worked on setting back the constant self-repair cycle of the automatons, Cloak and Dagger set out to take the crown from Tom Brady. They teleported past his minions and hurled an energy dagger at his head, but it was deflected by laser fire from the Centurions guarding him. The blasts passed through Cloak and one stray blast took off Lizard's head. Another grazed Quicksilver, prompting him to take notice and speed in against the Skele-Vaders, kicking the three of them apart and pushing Tom Brady to the ground in front of Dagger. After pinning his skull to the ground with a dagger she lifted the crown from his head and tossed it to Doctor Manhattan to be destroyed. He barely glanced at it before frowning back at her. "Are you really that oblivious? This is a fake. It's nothing but photons bound together in the shape of a crown." He dissipated the replica and gestured back at the Golden Army, still functional and springing back to action. Dagger's sense of achievement faded quickly. "Then... who's actually controlling these things?" Suddenly, a tremendous dagger of light swung down and sliced through her and Cloak. 

   Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman hovered above the battle wearing the real Crown of Bethmora. A Treasure Troll sat clinging to its edge on Becks' head. "Can you believe Brady thought I'd put him in charge of the Golden Army? It's almost as funny as you falling for it!" Catman hissed and ran to face the new threat, but was promptly chewed to death when Beckerman retaliated with Clifford the Big Yellow Light-Dog. "Hey, you guys want to see something really cool? BOOSH!" The Golden Army bots were instantly equipped with circular saws for hands. War Machine took a close look at the saws. "Are they... those are stars of David, aren't they?" He asked. "Hells yeah! Happy Passover b**ches!" While the Golden Army turned up the aggression and Beckerman took down the droid fighter ships, Bizzarro flew up from the crowd and knocked him out cold with a single punch. When he awoke, he was in a dilapidated old building. He had a screaming headache, but he managed to stand and check his surroundings. It was an abandoned theater, one he felt he had seen before but couldn't put a finger on. As he looked around he heard a pounding sound from across the room. He looked down a staircase and saw a zombie bashing its way through a boarded doorway. "Oh, alright. Call of Duty Nazi Zombies. How the b*ttf*ck did I end up here?" Before he could figure out the unlikely change of arena, the doors burst open and undead flowed into the room en masse. "Oh no, something scary? If only somebody had a weapon powered by fear!" Becks hacked the game with his ring and spawned a Gears of War chainsaw-rifle to plow through to the exit. He kicked down the theater's exit door and went out back to witness a sight more terrible than any amount of zombies combined. Behind the dumpster, Zombie Ryan and Zombie Beckerman were engaged in unspeakable acts, partially garbed in SS uniforms. Zombie Mephisto sat on the dumpster lid and mocked, "That's right, YOU were the gay nazi zombies all along!" Beckerman fell to the ground and beat his fist against the pavement. "That's not true... that's impossible!"

"Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

"No, dude, I mean... that's seriously not possible. I'm right here, and the zombie version is over there. We're pretty much different people." He stood up and forced his lunch to stay down. "Though it may be the worst thing I've seen in my life." He quickly smashed the two into the brick wall with a projected censor bar before any more mental scarring could occur. "Enough with the games Mephisto, how do I get back to the desert?" With some difficulty, Mephisto stopped his laughter. "You really must be dreaming to think that's happening. When Bizarro took you out, Nightmare brought you and all his zombie allies to his domain. By now they've most likely shattered your physical form beyond recognition." Back in the desert, TSP was nearly done shattering Beckerman and the disabled Golden Army beyond recognition while Bizarro did a final head count. "Peacemaker survive, Sentinel survive... Grindhouse all survive! Grindhouse win match!"