Season 7 Week 5: TEAM vs. The Midgets

TEAM is Justice Legion Alpha Batman, Robin, the Toy Wonder, JLA Wonder Woman, JLA Flash, JLA Aquaman, JLA Hourman, Imperiex, Green Lantern Batman, Bloodwynd, Captain America, Iron Man, The Hulk, Ragnarok, Eimen and Uriel, Thorion the Celestial, Iron Lantern, Marvewoman, Young Marvelman, Killer Rabbit of Cherbannog, Chronus, Sin (FFX), Michael Demuirgos, Crutus Penari, Elecman, Cock Sneak Goomba #7 and #8.

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets are: Hermes, Emperor Joker, The Eradicator, Zombie Supergirl, White Lantern Hal Jordan w/red, yellow, and Alan Scott's green ring, Katma Tui, Salack, Amantia, Green Lantern #3, Tri-Eye, Bleez, Queen Aga Po, Star Sapphire #2, Blue Lantern Hal, Black Lantern Sinestro, Beppo the Supermonkey, Deadshot, Aresenal, Phoenix Entity, Deadpool w/ Yoshi egg, X-23, Age of Apocalypse Wolverine, AoA Cyclops, Flanklin Richards, Black Lantern Invisible Woman, BL Human Torch, BL Aunt May, Mouse Voltron, Orange Lantern Bowser, Star Wolf and Ron Popeil in a Snowspeeder, NCIS crew (Jethro Gibbs, Tony Dinozza, Timothy McGee, Ziva David, Kate, Todd, Mike Franks, Dr. Donald Mallard, Abby Sciuto) and Ewok #1A and #2A on an aircraft carrier, Peppermint Patty, Marci, Doozer #8, Hobbit #1, Billy Mays and NOSYARG KCID in a '96 5.8L 5 speed supercharged Mustang.

"It's him!" "Who?" "HIM!" "Oh, now i see! Awesome!" "What are you two talking about?" asks Deadpool. "If we saw him, that means you saw him too." "Yeah, look harder!" Deadpool looks again from his rooftop perch in the city and sees Captain America sprinting through an alley. "Why do we care about this again?" asks The Merc with a Mouth. "Dude. He JUST made a bassass movie." "Logic dictates that if we can beat someone with a box office draw like that, our movie will surely be made!" "Will it be R-rated?" inquires Deadpool. "Er..." "We're working on it." "Then I better eats me spinach!" he says while eating the contents of his Yoshi egg. Wade Wilson jumps from his perch, guns a'blazin. "What time is it? Ambush time! Admit it Cap, you never saw me comin!" taunts Deadpool. The bullets are redirected by Cap's shield back into Deadpool, and he falls into a nearby dumpster. "Wilson, I heard you talking to yourself from way down here. You're lucky I have better things to do." scolds Steve Rogers while he continues running. "Ameeeeeerica, f*ck yeah....." croons a garbage covered Deadpool.

Captain America opens communications with Iron Man. "Is Banner in place yet?" he asks. "Almost there Cap." replies Iron Man as he flies over the ocean carrying Bruce Banner. "Wow, I'm suprised he agreed to this." Says Cap. "Well.. I had to get a little creative." admits Stark. "This is incredible! You're taking me to a lab because you guys actually need my brain for once? Thanks Tony." says Banner. "You got it. Did I ever mention that this suit gets oily sometimes?" say Stark as he drops Banner. He flies into the upper atmospere and makes no attempt to catch Banner. "STAAAAAAAARK!!!" screams Bruce.

Iron Man flies into space to confront The Midgets assembled Lanterns and kills Mouse Voltron via repulsor blasts to get their attention. "So I heard that one of you losers could use an A-list kill on your resume. Come and get it." challenges Iron Man before he fires up his jets and speeds off. The Midgets give chase and run into an aproaching Iron Lantern, who uses his armor to drain the power of any Green Lantern in the vicinity. GLs Katma Tui, Salack, Amantia, and Green Lantern #3 suffocate in space, but vengeance is had by Zombie Supergirl. She cracks his armor open, and She rejoins the chase while Iron Lantern also suffocates. Blue Lantern Hal is ambushed by a hammer similar to Mjolnir, and is unable to prevent his death because there are no Green Lanterns to help him activate his ring's true power. The hammer returns to Ragnarok, who then fries Trie-Eye with lightning. "Blasphemy!" yells Thorion. "You offend the true Thor, clone pretender! Begone!" vows Thorion. His New Asgardian hammer destroys the pretender Ragnarok, but attracts the attention of nearby Black Lanterns. BL Sinestro, BL Human Torch, and BL Aunt May pierce the armor of Thorion together and are digging at his heart. He has no choice but to self implode aand take the Lanterns with him.

Z. Supergirl, WL Hal, RL Bleez, Star Sapphire #2, SS Queen Aga Po, and Orange Lantern Bowers continue to follow Iron Man, who have managed to avoid the missile barrages of the Armored Avenger thus far. TEAM tries another ambush, and Marvelwoman and Young Marvelman soar in for the kill. Marvelwoman rips Zombie Supergirl in twain, and Young Marvelman destroys RL Bleez' "heart" by ripping off her ring hand. She still has enough left to kill Young Marvelman with a projectile of red plasma, while Marvelwoman is swarned by the Mario menagerie of Orange Lantern Bowser.

Queen Aga Po and Star Sapphire #2 attempt to use their rings to effect Tony Stark, but his modified heart resists their contact. He turns and fires his Uni-beam and it definately makes a connection to their now dead bodies. "Hey guys, a little advice. Maybe you should, oh, I don't know... Try harder!" he mocks while engaging another jet boost to race away. OL Bowser is about to command his Marios to destroy Iron Man, but the archangel Michael Demuirgos' heavenly sword smites Bowser first. WL Hal uses his red and yellow ring to channel the full power of rage and fear into Michael, and the servant gets served.

Tony Stark confronts WL Hal. "Sorry about your team. Good effort Midgets. Looks like it's just you and me. Frankly, I'm used to dealing with someone with more than 4 rings, but I suppose you'll do." mocks Tony. "RRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" growls a rage induced WL Hal while charging to Iron Man. Stark deploys everything his got to counter the multiple rings. It stops Hal, but both men are severely lacking any meaningful power left. "I can still kill you." hisses WL Hal. "Shhhh... You're going to miss the best part..." explains Iron Man. He points up to reveal their final destination: the sector of space where Imperiex and The Phoenix Entity have been battling it out. It was just a matter of time before the destructive energy of the Phoenix and the "Big Bang" energy of Imperiex reacted poorly, and... "Gotcha." smiles Stark as the ensuing cosmic explosion consumes all in space. Including a until now unheeded and hereafter ignored Bloodwynd. Fire bad.

The NCIS crew and Ewoks #1A and #2A are aboard The Midgets' aircrafter carrier and await Final Fantasy X's Sin to rise from the ocean. Any minute now... Abby Scuito, Dr. Mallard, and the Ewoks go below deck to find something more interesting to do. Finally, this sorry excuse for a boss arises to have a long drawn out battle with The Midgets. This is one of the most boring end fights I've ever sat through. The Midgets are pounding this thing with the anti-aircraft guns on their carrier, and continue to do so for quite some time. Seriously, why doesn't this thing counter attack? Ah, because it's building up the death beam. And goodnight Tim McGee. And that's pretty much it. Lather, rinse, repeat until a solo Leroy Gibbs has had enough. His sniper shot gets the glorious "9999" damage and down goes Sin which seems about right, since NCIS has been level grinding for 10 years.

The previously dropped Bruce Banner has turned into The Hulk mid-drop, and smashes right through the middle of the carrier, killing Gibbs in the process. The carrier is slowly sinking, and The Hulk climbs up through the carrier to finish The Midgets off. He finds Scuito, Mallard, and the Ewoks in the forensics lab. "TV goth" and the Ewoks give The Hulk a cuteness overload, and reverts back to Banner. "Wait, Stark wasn't lying about the lab?" asks a groggy Banner. He is answered with a pair of little spears in his head and the critters celebrate. "I'd hate to ruin the moment, but it appears we are about to drown." observes the Doctor. The strained ship creaks even more and the seeping water starts to rush into the lab. "I hope this water doesn't ruin our autopsies." comment Abby Scuito. "Nub nub nub guuuurggle." adds Ewok #1A.

AoA Cyke, AoA Wolvie, and X-23 traverse the desert. TEAM's Apocalypse Twins Uriel and Eimen spot them and swoop in for the kill. Before the reach their targets, they are ended simultaneously by a sniper bullet and an arrow to their respective skulls. "That's 1-1, Harper. Not bad kid." compliments Deadshot. They hide on a nearby mesa and cover the psuedo X-team's movements. "It's about to be 2-1 when Cronus shows up." retorts Aresenal. "Maybe if you were your "dad". He MIGHT be able to pull it off." laughs Deadshot. Arsenal curses under his breath, and the pair await the Greek Titan. The arrival of Chronus can only mean two things: Someone's getting their balls ripped off, and some kids are getting eaten. The "X-Men" attack, but AoA Cyke and AoA Wolverine are instantly castrated by Chronus' scythe. X-23 slashes away at the Titan, but is eaten by him in the end. "Eyes. Go for his eyes" advises Deadshot. "Duh." replies Arsenal. They are spotted before they can shoot, and Chronus hurls a boulder at them. They fire while dodging. A bullet grazes Chronus' face, but the explosive arrow detonates inside the Titan's skull. "Boom! 2-1 to one, Lawton. Pay up." says Arsenal before he turns and sees the smashed corpse of Deadshot. "Damn..." laments Roy Harper.

"I start running before The Eradicator even confronts The Justice Legion Alpha. JLA Hourman locks him in a time bubble, while JLA Wonder Woman an JLA Aquaman stabs him in place with their weapons. JLA Batman and Robin, Toy Wonder are executing well delivered combinations of punches and kicks to a still frozen Eradicator. The time bubble can no longer hold back The Eradicator's intial energy blast, and JLA Hourman is toast the second it hits him. A freed Eradicator unleases his power all around him and the rest of The JLA are consumed. Hermes catches up to me, and I think he tries to mock me, but it's hard to hear when you're going this fast. His godly arrogance makes him try to best me, so I give him a good show and pour on the speed. Amazingly, he is still ahead, even at the threshold of The Speed Force. I hit the gas one more time and give him a good push. We are becoming one with The Speed Force, but not before I manage to end The Eradicator with a punch at lightspeed. I'm John Fox, and I'm the Fastest Man Ali..." says Justice Legion Alpha Flash.

Deadpool tries to keep up with Captain America, but is soon left in the dust. He stops to catch his breath, and notices a bar across the street. The Midgets' 96 Mustang and Snowspeeder are parked outside. "Of course, this must be our homebase. I wonder why nobody told me? Oh well, time to relax and have a couple brews with my amigos!" "Dude, tell them about that time you beat Captain America!" "Yeah, you beat him so bad that he ran home cryin' to his mama!" "Sounds good to me!" says Deadpool. He pauses when he notices TEAM's Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog policing the door. "Shoo! Ya wasscally wabbit! This is Midget Country!" threatens Wade as he pulls a katana. Wilson's throat is quickly torn out by the rabbit and he passes out, but not before he catches a gtlimpse oft his teammate Artsenal talking to the Killer rabbit.

Inside the bar, The Midgets Billy Mays, Ron Popeil, NOSYARG KCID, Star Wolf, Peppermint Patty, Marci, Doozer #1, and Beppo he Supermonkey conspire wih TEAM'st Elecman, Cruus Penari, atnd Cock Sneak Goombas #7 and #8. "So it's setled." says Billy Mays. "Popeil makes soumehing, I do the plugging for the brand, and he rest of you use your brands for product placement. I'm talkin real cash, people. We'll all finally get something out of his league besides an untimely death! Who's with me? They raise their drinks to the air in celebraion. The door is kicked open by Arsenal. "FFL Inernal Affairs! Hands up! You're all under arrest for behavior detrimental to the League. You want to transcend teams to do wrong, Billy? We can also team up to do right." says Aresnal. A coked up Billy Mays charges, but he and everyone in the joint are demolished by The Killer Rabbit. The previously parked Snowspeeder is now racing at the bar firing its cannons with Deadpool at the wheel. The well placed shots bring down the bar, killing the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Arsenal. "Die wabbit, die! We did it Elmer, ya hear me?!? WE DID IT!" shouts Deadpool. "Where are the brakes on thing?" he asks before crashing into the rubble. He soon emerges from the scrapped bar, and checks the nonexistant watch on his wrist. "OOO! I can still make it on time if I hurry!" says Wade as he hops in the 96 Mustang.  

He speeds toward a building. "I sure hope this is the right place!" says Deadpool. "And if it's not?" "This is gonna be awkward." he says as the car crashes through the wall of Emperor Joker's Hideout. "CHIMICHAGAS!" yells a launched Wilson. He puts a few caps in a chained up and obviously tortured Green Lantern Batman before he hits the floor. He sees Captain America standing over a decapitated Emperor Joker. "What? I'm callin BS on that! No way Cap beats Emperor Joker... unless... Yes, of course! The power of the box office bank! Hey Cap! Gimme Gimme!" challenges Deadpool as he unsheathes his swords. He strikes hard against the shield and his blades shatter. "Damn you Home Shopping Network! Never again will I trust a redneck pitchman at 3 in the morning!" laments Deadpool. The Captain puts the hurt on a now depressed Wade, geting another decapitation in the process. "I should have finished you he first time." says Cap. "But then we wouldn't be together for this part!" says Headpool.

The camera pans out indefinately, beyond the universe. We find ourselves in the Midgets lockeroom, and Franklin Richards is staring into a rubber ball. "See Mom, I told you the good guys always win!" says the boy. Black Lantern Invisible Woman senses the hope welling inside him. "Yes sweetie, of course you're right! Now give Mommy a hug."