Season 7 Consolation Round 2 - TEAM vs Murderflies

Team is: Dixie Kong, Billy Mitchell, Steve Sanders, Steve Wiebe.

Murderflies are: Big Bertha (Great Lakes Avengers), Dorf, Energizer Bunny.

“Fizzatu here! Welcome everyone to the old Livonia Mall arcade for the next Kong-off challenge!  We seem to be missing some competitors however.  Dorf, where is the rest of your team?” I ask whilst sporting an old foot locker uniform.

“Well, Big Bertha is down in the food court. And the Energizer Bunny is behind the Bust-a-Move machine Busting-a-Nut into Dixie Kong.” Dorf says.

Sure enough, I peek back there and the Bunny is going to town on the young chimp who he has bent over his drum. She appears to be unconscious now as he keeps hitting her in the sides of the head with his drumsticks. He keeps going… and going… and going.  This is borderline criminal.  We will check in on them later and just rule them out of the competition.

I give Steve, Steve, Billy and Dorf the rules. Whoever scores the most points on the first elevator level will be declared the winner for his team. Each person is handed a quarter and the match begins.

Dorf struggles to see the screen and quickly loses two lives before making it up a ladder on the first stage.  The 2 Steves easily rush through the first two stages and start the elevator level.  Billy just sits there and pockets his quarter.  After they finish the level it is determined that Wiebe beat Sanders by 400 points.  Dorf did not get to stage 3 so he has been eliminated from the competition.  

Billy then hands me a VHS tape that he claims has a higher score than Wiebe.

“We will not accept recorded entries for this competition.” I inform him.

This nation’s greatest patriot is now filled with rage.  He reaches into a cardboard box that he brought with him and pulls out two bottles of the world famous Ricky’s Hot Sauce.  He smashes them on both sides of Sanders head and then jams the shards into his throat letting him bleed out slumped over a Simpsons pinball machine.

Wiebe runs for the door and catches a bottle in the back of his head.  Dorf runs on his knees but Billy quickly snaps his neck on his way to charge at the remaining Steve.  Billy easily runs down the school teacher and using his american flag necktie, strangulates his teammate to death.

Slightly out of breath, Billy returns to the arcade to get his remaining bottles of hot sauce. He finds that one of the bottles has leaked through the box and the high levels of gasoline in his shitty hot sauce causes the box to explode in his hands sending shrapnels of glass in all directions, including into his heart. His long greasy hair is instantly engulfed and fuels the fire even more.

The paramedics have arrived and much to my surprise have bypassed the arcade and are headed straight for the food court.  I stop one of them on their way and they inform me that some fat lady tried to eat all the food down there and had a heart attack.  (Don’t worry everyone, It was just Big Bertha. Anonymous’s mommy is ok.)

Just two combatants remain. I peek behind the arcade machine to check in on the love birds. The lifeless eyes of Dixie Kong, still damp with tears, stare back at me.  Her assailant keeps going… and going… and going...