Season 9: Week 1 Match: George Washington's Slaves -vs- Team Sleeping Pussy

George Washington’s Slaves are: Steve Yzerman (Green lantern ring), Time Cheveldae (Tron Light Suit with light disc), Bill Clinton (Green Lightsaber), Hillary Clinton (Coach and Glorious Leader), Darth Shemalyah, Nik Landsoh, Brek Nyram, Brock Lesnar, Josh Houslander: Samurai Warrior, Saladin, Sonny Chiba, Captain Lou Albano, Navy Seal #21-25 & 27 and Barney Fife w/Laser Gun.

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Black Cat, Biff Tannen, Zombie Bryan Beckerman, Zombie Ryan Poteracki, Dr. Seth Brundel, Sam Malone, The Smoking Man, House MD, Al Gore, Big Jim, Mr. Fred Rodgers, Sparky Anderson, Prof. Snape, Bob the Goon, Norman Rockwell, Sherlock Holmes, Dr. John H. Watson, The Sea Captain, Agamemnon.

(Theme music plays over clips of Don Cherry acting like an idiot, wearing beautifully ugly suits and that final shot of him behind the bench of the Boston Bruins from the 1970’s)

Announcer: Coaches Corner, with Ron MacLean and Don Cherry

Don Cherry: So they are saying your name first now huh Ron?

Ron MacLean: Uh I guess so. Anyways, welcome to Coaches Corner. I am Ron MacLean and with me to my right is Don Cherry.

Don Cherry: It used to be Coaches Corner with Don Cherry, now they have your name before mine.

Ron MacLean: If you want it changed I don’t actually care.

Don: No, no Ron, I don’t care either.

Ron: Well it kind of seems like you do.

Don: I just remember when a name like Don Cherry used to mean something.

Ron: It still means something Don…

Don: Well evidently it doesn’t mean what it used to.

Ron: Are you done yet Don?

Don: I just want the kids out there to know that Don Cherry still means something in this country, this country of Canada that we still live in. A country full of beautiful Canadian people who play this great sport of hockey that we created.

Ron: Do you want to talk about the GTHL’s possible ruling on foreign players again?

Don: No I do not; I just want the kids out there to know that Canadian’s deserve to have the right to be able to play the world’s greatest sport in Canada itself.

Ron: Nobody’s taking their rights away Don.

Don: Well no, that’s not completely true Ron. A lot of these foreign players are stealing the spots (points at the camera) your spots kids and that is taking away lots of opportunities…

Ron: I thought you didn’t want to talk about this.

Don: …that you can’t get back, because by the time they are 18 or 19, their chances are gone.

Ron: Are you done?

Don: Done with what?

Ron: Anyways, it is 5-0 Slaves after the first period of this game so far, quite the blood bath out there so far wouldn’t you say?

Don: What I would say Ron is this is my kind of hockey. It’s nice to finally see some good old fashioned tough play from both sides.

Ron: A little bit more then tough play I would say, wouldn’t you?

Don: No, no Ron, this just shows you how far this sport has regressed since all of these foreign players starting coming over and taking over this country’s national pastime.

Ron: I’m not quite sure that is the reason why…

Don: Oh Ron, don’t play devil’s advocate just for the sake of it, it’s of course the fault of all of these foreign players…

Ron: Well it could be argued that the United States have had more of a role in the cleaning up of this game then any other country.

Don: Chris Chelios?

Ron: What about Chris Chelios?

Don: Are you telling me that players like Chris Chelios and Derian Hatcher are the reason this game has gone soft?

Ron: Obviously Chelios and Hatcher are not the reason this game has become less violent…

Don: Then why are you bringing it up then Ron. Look, tonight’s game…

Ron: Yes, tonight’s game.

Don: …is just a good old fashion hockey game.

Ron: With a massive amount of illegal violence.

Don: The way us Canadian’s meant it to be. This isn’t a sport for silly foreigners Ron.

Ron: Like I said, 5-0 Slaves after the first intermission. Steve Yzerman with all five Slave goals so far leads the way. Not just a record for Steve but a record number of penalties for one period. 178 minutes so far, both teams playing the majority of the period 3 on 3. Bob the Goon with a possible, life time suspension they are already saying, for shooting Saladin point blank in the face with some sort of firearm.

Don: Bob the Goon, way to go me boy.

Ron: (Shaking his head) Carted off by the referee’s and then arrested by the Toronto police department.

Don: This is no worse then Marty McSorley or Todd Bertuzzi.

Ron: Well, he did die Don, which makes it a little worse.

Don: He’ll be fine.

Ron: The list of game misconduct penalties for the Slaves includes Brock Lesnar for a brutal choke hold on House MD and Al Gore, at the same time I might add. Josh Houslander for stabbing the Sea Captain in the left thigh, a bloody incident no doubt.

Don: No doubt, nice use of the stick there Joshy.

Ron: Sonny Chiba has been given a ten minute misconduct penalty for kicking Norman Rockwell in the face with his skate and the grind line of Navy Seal #21-25 for hiding out behind goaltender Tim Cheveldae and then attacking Biff Tannen, Sam Malone and Big Jim, sending them all back to the locker room with undisclosed whole body injuries.

Don: What a great period of hockey huh Ron.

Ron: The list of suspensions on the Pussy’s side includes Black Cat’s game misconduct penalty after stealing Captain Lou Albano’s stick and then beating him with it, sending him to the locker room with a possible TBI.

Don: More then possible Ron.

Ron: Another game suspension was issued to the Pussy’s via Professor Snape using the Crucio curse on Barney Fife, who then proceeded to end his own life via his own gun in what can only be described as a personal euthanasia.

Don: To be fair Ron, it is not out of the question that Barney shot himself accidentally with his gun.

Ron: Highly unlikely but okay. A hand full of ten minute misconduct penalties for both Zombies on the Pussy’s squad, which considering the events of tonight, are quite tame as all they did was try to eat several of the Slave’s players. Navy Seal #27’s return is still uncertain at this time because of it.

Don: Like I said Ron, what a great game so far. What I don’t get is the fact that not one shot on net by the Pussy’s. Every single time they have attempted to take a shot, their sticks all bent in half.

Ron: A fluke we can only assume. Anyways folks, we will be back after the end of regulation here and thank you for joining us during this extended addition of Coaches Corner…

Don: With me, Don Cherry.

Ron: Yes, with you Don. Anyways, back after regulation.

(Theme music once again plays)

Announcer: The Post Game Report, with Ron MacLean and Don Cherry

Ron: Welcome to the post game report I am Ron MacLean and as always to my right is the one and only Don Cherry.

Don: They still said your name before mine.

Ron: Indeed they did Don. More of the same in the final two periods Don, with the untimely deaths of both Hilary and Bill Clinton. The obvious multiple game suspensions is sure to come to Agamemnon as he broke his stick in half, only to stab Bill through the throat and then reaching over the bench and doing the same to the former first lady.

Don: A gutsy move by old Aggy but an ultimately successful move that helped his team greatly.

Ron: Not quite sure how it helped his team as the Slaves shut out the Pussy’s 13-0.

Don: It’s a team sport Ron and that was the ultimate sacrifice.

Ron: If you say so Don. The retaliation penalty by the Slaves grind line of the remaining Navy Seal members landed them all game misconduct penalty’s, with what could only be described as a reckoning on both Watson and Holmes, along with Mr. Rodgers, all of them being carted off to the locker room.

Don: Nobody does it like a Navy Seal huh Ron. You still think the American’s are making this game soft?

Ron: Like I said, the final score of this contest was the Slaves 13, the Pussy’s 0.

Don: Good old Stevie Y with 10 goals. How about that Ron, not too bad from one of the game’s greatest players.

Ron: Very true Don. The remaining goals by Nik Landsoh, Brek Nyram and the surprising Tim Cheveldae. The first goal ever for the goaltender.

Don: Zero shots on goal by Team Sleeping Pussy.

Ron: Indeed Don, maybe the most curious fact of this game. The Pussy’s actually ran out of sticks. The game had to be stopped multiple times as they had to go out and get more sticks from various stores in the Toronto area.

Don: Everyone knows you can only bend a stick so much, just ask Brett Hull. Another American born player that you seem to think is making this game soft.

Ron: Again not even remotely the point I was trying to make Don but okay. Anyways, that wraps us up here tonight Don. Thank you to the folks at home for watching us and as always, thanks to our sponsor Molson for everything they do for us here at the CBC. Any last words Don?

Don: Want to tip my hat to the remaining players on the Pussy’s roster for not living up to your team’s name and one more shout out to Stevie Y for showing us why he is one of the all time greats in this sport. Canadian sport that is.

Ron: Okay then, for my co-host Don Cherry and myself, thank you for watching and good night.

Don: The Bloodier the better kids, remember that.