S9W6: Real Man's Rabble Rousers vs. The Abomitrons

The Rabble Rousers are: Optimus Primal, Rattrap, Cheetor, Rhinox, Dinobot, Tigatron, Airazor, Silverbolt, Savage/Noble, Nightscream, Depth Charge, Scuba, Big Horn, Big Convoy, Blackarachnia, Vehicle Voltron (Commander Jeff, Rocky, Wolo, Chip, Ginger), Aisha, Clay, Jenson, Pooch, Rogue, and Cougar.

The Abomitrons are: Raleigh and Yancy Becket in Gipsy Danger, Herc and Chuck Hansen in Striker Eureka, Stacker Pentecost and Tamsin Sevier in Coyote Tango, Sasha and Alexis Kaldonovsky in Cherno Alpha, Cheung, Jin, and Hu Wei in Crimson Typhoon, Bruce and Trevor Gage in Romeo Blue, Korvus, Hellion, War: Decimus Furius, Death: Sanjar Javeed, Pestilence: Ichisumi, Famine: Jeb Lee, Ozymandias (Clan Akkaba), Cyclops, Jean Grey (Phoenix version), Angel, Iceman, Beast, and Dai Atlas.

I arrived in the dunes of Jakku to find that neither team had shown up yet. I brought the chipper from the Watcher supply closet, but it's been in such high demand lately that the rental cost me an arm and a leg. While I was in the desert, I found these weird little cacti. Naturally I ate them, because why wouldn't I eat a random piece of fruit on a foreign planet? I was perfectly fine, and after an interesting conversation with one of the giant glowing leprechauns I assume are native to this world, I passed out for 18 straight hours. Dehydrated beyond human limitations, I woke to a gaggle of grotesque animal-robot hybrids. “Wait… Apetimus Prime?” I asked.

“Optimus Primal. Why is the chipper out?”

“I guess ‘cause you won. And good timing, too, it was almost a double-chipper this week before I took that cactus-nap.” Nightscream’s ears perked up. Noble began to growl instinctively at Nightscream's sudden tension. Moments later, the sound became perceptible to all; Crashing thuds, the sound of the ground shaking beneath them, and the clatter of heavy machinery. “Uhg, no”, I lamented, “I spent like, an hour in line to sign the forms for the chipper, and they’ll never give me a refund on the rental fees…” Airazor, ignoring my protests and voiding the return policy on my rental, flew ahead to perform recon on the noise. A few miles out, she passed a large hill obscuring the source of the sound. She turned to return, but was quickly dragged back out of sight by an unseen force. “Alright, do your thing, but make it quick guys, okay? I may or may not be dying from deadly space cactus.” I left to observe from a safe distance, where I could rehydrate and vomit freely. From over the hill, the Abomitron’s hulking Jaegers appeared and began to take formation as they spotted their enemy from across the dunes. “How did they manage to fit that much firepower into 450 points? We're so screwed!” cried Rattrap. “Don't overthink things just y-” Rhinox began, before ending with “HOLY S***, SCATTER!” as a mortar barrage from Coyote Tango launched on their location, killing the aptly-named Losers and poor helpless Death Charge. The Rabble Rousers began to charge their enemy as the Jaegers all opened fire. As Romeo Blue picked off Tigatron, Vehicle Voltron took initiative against the Jaeger threat; they hurled one of Voltron’s leg spears at Romeo Blue, piercing the nuclear core and resulting in a small explosion that killed Bruce and Trevor Gage. When Angel tried flying in for an attack, Silverbolt swooped by and grabbed him by the ribcage in his jaws. Angel stabbed Silverbolt and they fell from the sky directly into the clutches of the Beastformers. Feathers and blood flew from the center of the crowd that formed to eliminate him, and the attack on The Abomitrons resumed.

Coyote Tango did fine as a distance, but Cheetor managed to close the gap between himself and Coyote long enough to transform into robot mode and tackle the Jaeger. Big Convoy joined him in pummeling Coyote to death, until Decimus Furius arrived in the lead of the other Horsemen and crushed Cheetor like a Cheeto. Super-Minotaur Vs. Robo-Mammoth began, while Voltron was engaged in hand-to-hand combat with Crimson Typhoon. As Typhoon performed a flip to dodge a low kick, Voltron drew their sword and sliced up through the Jaeger in mid-air. Voltron’s hot streak was met with challenge when the three remaining Jaegers surrounded them. While Cherno Alpha blasted Voltron with its incinerator, Gipsy Danger unloaded its plasma cannons on them. Striker Eureka began to pummel Voltron as another sword attack took out Gipsy Danger. Voltron then struck Striker Eureka while Cherno Alpha pulled back its fist. As Voltron turned toward the final Jaeger, Cherno clutched its roll of nickels and delivered a shattering blow to Voltron’s abdomen. Upon hitting the ground, one final thrust of the sword was made, piercing the Jaeger’s nuclear engine. The explosion produced wiped out both giant robots. The Rabble Rousers’ Transformer were taking some lives, but they could barely touch the ones that were taking theirs. Rhinox had crumbled Ozymandius and his sand golems, but Ichisumi released her Yume beetles to devour him before moving on to Scuba. Blackarachnia assassinated Jeb Lee and Ichisumi, and Sanjar without trouble, but the Abomitrons had just downed Big Convoy with Decimus Furius surviving, and he caught her with a violent stomp. Optimus Primal was next to face him, and with the help of his allies they defeated the weakened Minotaur. But they, too, were weakened, and facing quite a few overpowered X-Men. Iceman circled the remaining seven Rabble Rousers and began freezing then solid. Hellion took their frozen mass and lifted then high into the air, focusing his energy on their destruction. They began to vibrate, then shake violently, before finally they burst into a glistening powder of frost and flesh and metal, nothing but a quickly melting puddle of snow on the thirsty desert floor.