The Untouchables vs. TEAM

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 11 Match: The Untouchables v Team. The Untouchables are Deadpool, Horatio Caine and MacGyver. TEAM is Yarael Poof, John Wayne, Musashi and Amy D'amico.

I transport the teams into The Lodge, except for Horatio Caine and Amy D’amico.

Horatio Caine (takes off his sunglasses): Ms. D’amico, tell me, I hear you’re going to be married soon, isn’t that right.

Amy D’amico: Yeah.

Caine: Ms. D’amico, do you recognize that this is a Death Match?

Amy D’amico: I do Detective Caine. But TEAM plans to win this match so it shouldn’t be a problem.

Caine: It may be a problem for you Ms. D’amico. [Caine puts his sunglasses on]. It may be a problem for you. [Caine walks into the bar in slow motion. . . followed by D’amico].

As the two walk into the bar they see the teams fighting one another. Musashi has his sword drawn and is approaching MacGyver. MacGyver has a matchstick, a bottle of Jim Beam, a dishrag and a piece of gum in his hands. He is quickly using these items to form a “special” MacGyver invention. As Musashi is about to slice the young adventurer in half, MacGyver shows that he has a Molotov cocktail in his hand. He has created this weapon by stuffing the dishrag in the bottle of Jim Beam and holding the rag in place with the piece of gum. He used the match to light his contraption. He throws the fiery cocktail at Musashi. Although Musashi smashes the bottle with his sword, the bottle’s flaming pieces strike the warrior. Musashi catches on fire and runs around the bar. He is shot and killed by Deadpool.

John Wayne sees Deadpool across the dance floor. The marksmen face each other.

John Wayne: Hello Pilgrim, let’s say we draw.

Deadpool (smiles to himself): Sure old man, don’t mind if I do.

Deadpool snatches a pen from a waitress pad on the floor. Wayne is taken aback as Deadpool shows him what he drew on the pad. It simply says “Bang!!!”

Wayne: Bang?!?!

Deadpool draws his weapon and fires, hitting Wayne squarely in the forehead. Wayne drops dead.

Deadpool: Yeah, like as in, you’re dead.

Yarael Poof has seen enough. He ignites his lightsaber and runs at both Deadpool and MacGyver. Deadpool fires his guns repeatedly at the Jedi Master. Poof easily deflects the bullets, which disintegrate into small pieces. Poof manages to deflect a spattering of pieces at MacGyver. MacGyver drops to the floor, mortally wounded. Horatio Caine sees his comrade fall. Caine takes off his glasses and bends down in slow motion to assist his comrade in his death.

Caine: What is it MacGyver? What can I do for you, my friend?

MacGyver: Tell my son, MacGruber, that I loved. . . . [MacGyver dies].

Caine (looks at MacGyver with remorse): I will my friend. I will.

Caine slowly gets up and sees D’amico picking up a broken bottle to use as a weapon. Caine walks toward her, gun drawn.

On the other side of the bar, one notices that Poof has gained ground on Deadpool. Deadpool must reload his guns, which is the instant that Poof has been waiting for. Poof takes advantage of the weapons’ interruption and decapitates Deadpool. Poof then looks over to see Caine walking toward D’amico.

Caine: Ms. D’amico, please put down the bottle.

D’amico: I don’t think so.

Caine: Amy! Don’t make me say it to you again! Put down the weapon!

Amy hesitates and puts the bottle down.

Caine: Remember what I told you earlier. This is a Death Match.

D’amico: I remember.

Caine: I have no pleasure in doing this Amy.

Caine raises his weapon, ready to fire at the woman. Amy thinks how much Ryan will miss her. Amy also thinks that Ryan will never be able to find someone as cool as her, especially since he is. . . Ryan. As Amy closes her eyes, Poof strikes and lops off both hands of Caine. Caine screams and falls to his knees. D’amico stands over Caine. D’amico now has the broken bottle in her hand.

D’amico: Horatio, never stand between a girl and her wedding.

D’amico slashes down with the bottle and slices his neck. Caine bleeds out.

Poof: Let’s get ready for more wedding planning, young lady.

D’amico: Sounds good to me.

Poof: I almost think that I enjoy it just as much as you do.

D’amico: Maybe you do Poofster. Maybe you do.

Untouchables: All dead.

TEAM: Yarael Poof and Amy D’amico alive.

TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!!!