Season 7, Week 5 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

“Have you ever heard of the story of Darth Shemalya?”

            -Darth Skceb [Diary of the Sith]

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 5 Match located on the Playoff Planet.  They are as follows:

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions: Fear Itself - Ulik, Serpent, Shao Khan/Skadi: Herald of the Serpent, Gimli/Kuurth: Breaker of Stone, Beast Wars Megatron/Nul: Breaker of Worlds, Princess Leia/Skirn: Breaker of Men, Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans, Blanka/Mokk: Breaker of Faith, Marv/Greithoth: Breaker of Wills and Beast Man/Angir: Breaker of Souls; Strong Guy; Eren Jaeger; Battle Pope with chaingun; Avengelyne; Witchblade; Donkey Kong; Red Lantern Jeff Houslander; G.I. Joe - Zartan, Buzzer, Ripper, Monkeywrench and Torch;  Ghostbusters - Peter Venkman with green lightsaber, Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore; Heroes - Matt Parkman, Sylar, Peter Petrelli, Hiro Nakamura with blue lightsaber, Claire Bennet with Asohka Tano's green lightsaber and The Haitian; Wonder Boy and Young Nasty Man; Uncle Sam; Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E.; Captain Universe; Shrek-It Ralph; Daniel LaRusso with green lightsaber and green lantern ring and Care Becks.

George Washington’s Slaves: Amazo; Fernus; Loki; Wolverine; Ki Adi Mundi; Coleman Kcaj; Shindor of Brontic; Kol Skywalker with  Yoda's green lantern ring; Shado Vao; Cad Bane; Yendar Platis; Sly Moore; Sarumon with the One Ring; Boromir with Anduril; Santa Claus with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen; Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox;  Ajax Major with a devil lance;  The Hydra;  Simon Phoenix with a M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher; Ass Blaster #1; The Three Musketeers: Athos, Porthos with a green lightsaber (hockey stick), Aremis with green lightsaber and D'Artagian with green lightsaber; Mer-Man; Beavis with halbeard; Butthead with Sith lanvarok; Buttchunk; Wally Trollman; Norville the Dragon; The Grinch and Max the Dog; Josh Houslander - Samurai Warrior; Vampire Al Dogg; Darth Shamalya; Sandworms #19 and #20, Starship Trooper #7 and Two Headed Ogres #1 and #2.

Decisions’ locker room. . .

Care Becks:  F@ck all those Slave f@ckin’ f@cks!

Peter Venkman:  A wee bit angry there, aren’t you little guy?

Care Becks:  F@ck you!  At least I don’t wear my G#dd@mn pajamas around town!

Slaves locker room. . .

Darth Shemalya:  I will bend them all to my will. . .

Butthead:  Uuuuuuhhh. . . You can bend me anytime.

Beavis:  Yeah!  Yeah!  Bend him!  Bend him!

A LOUD SIREN RINGS THROUGHOUT THE AREAS OF THE PLAYOFF PLANET.

Let the match begin. . .

Waters region. . .

Mer-Man floats in the waters looking for his prey.  The master of his watery universe sees Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans swimming toward him.  The expert mariner is more adept in the waters, but the combination of the Force, along with the special hammer, gives the witch insurmountable power over the very area itself.  Mer-Man struggles to meet his enemy.  When the aquatic humanoid finally reaches the witch, he is met by a crushing blow to his skull by Nerkkod’s hammer.  Mer-Man is killed instantly.  Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod swims back to shore.  

Shemalya. . .

Cloaked shadow: You shall be known henceforth as Darth Shemalya. . .

Shemalya:  Yes, my master.

An ugly grin creeps upon Shemalya’s face.  She smiles at the recognition of her becoming a true Sith.  She will make her exploits known throughout the galaxy.  She will make her name known to all.  She will make all quake in fear before her.  She is Shemalya. . .  

Arctic region. . .

Sparking waves of light encircle the sky as the Ghostbusters attempt to capture Santa Claus and his reindeer in their modified containment device.

Zeddemore:  I knew Krampus was real, but Claus – go figure!

Spengler:  Focus and keep firing, Winston!

Santa Claus rides his sleigh with skillful precision as he steers around his enemies’ weapons and straight into Zeddemore.  Zeddemore is knocked to the ground.  The fourth Ghostbuster rises and his face is met by a repeated trampling by over a dozen pairs of hooves.  The bloodied and brain dead Zeddemore falls to the ground, never to rise again as his spirit travels to the FFL Graveyard.  Stantz manages to shoot Blitzen out of the sky, while Spengler shoots and kills Donner.  The two reindeer are instantly seared, but their deaths do not affect the remainder of the Rangifer tarandus carriers as the remaining animals continue to climb in the sky, carrying their dead brethren with them.  Claus instantly reacts at their deaths and snaps the leashes, allowing the decedents to fall to the ground below.  The sleigh flies on and turns around, focusing on both Stantz and Spengler.  The reindeer shrug their shoulders and use their antlers to repeatedly strike and impale Stantz and Spengler.  The Ghostbusters shredded bodies eventually slide from the antlers of their killers, their spirits joining their brother in the Graveyard.  Venkman strikes the enemy with his lightsaber and manages slice both Comet’s and Cupid’s bellies. The two carry their entrails behind and eventually are let go from the sleigh by Santa’s mechanism.   After several passes, the animals are too much for the Ghostbuster and Venkman is killed, but not before killing Dasher.  Santa Claus regroups with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen and shoots into the sky. 

Desert Region. . .

Sandworms #19 and #20 tunnel through the grains of sand.  They explode to the surface and are met by an overly confident Fear Itself squad - Ulik, Serpent, Shao Khan/Skadi: Herald of the Serpent, Gimli/Kuurth: Breaker of Stone, Beast Wars Megatron/Nul: Breaker of Worlds, Princess Leia/Skirn: Breaker of Men, Blanka/Mokk: Breaker of Faith, Marv/Greithoth: Breaker of Wills and Beast Man/Angir: Breaker of Souls confront the Dune behemoths.  The hammer wielders dart around the monsters, smashing and thrashing their weapons and utilizing their enhanced powers against the beasts.  Sandworm #19 falls to the Fear foes, but manages to crush Princess Leia/Skirn:Breaker of Men and Beast Man/Angir: Breaker of Souls in the skirmish.   Sandworm #20 also eventually falls, but manages to kill both Gimli/Kuurth: Breaker of Stone and Marv/Greithoth: Breaker of Wills in the fight.  The remaining Fear itself combatants, exhausted but victorious, move on.

Shemalya. . .

The fetid smells of the Nar Shaddaa sewers waft through the nostrils of young Pinn.  Her tattered clothes encase her sinewy body, as she is drenched in the waters and filth of the concrete pipes.  She has been on the run from the swoop gang for almost ten hours and whenever she seems to gain some ground in escaping their anticipated savagery, she falls again.  The drips echo from the pipes above, lulling her into a dream-like state.  If she ever escapes, she will be sure to change her circumstances in life.  A tough life from birth. . .  

Forest region. . .

Zartan and his biker gang of Dreadnoks - Buzzer, Ripper, Monkey Wrench and Torch slowly ride through the forest region on their motorcycles.  Shado Vao rushes out from behind the trees and uses the Force to push the motorcycles into one another.  Their riders crash to the ground, but the Cobra Industries’ renegades manage to avert total disaster by using their skills to escape sure death.  The Rutian twi’lek ignites his lightsaber and is suddenly joined by Cad Bane, who immediately fires his weapons from both hands.  The Dreadnoks bring out their weapons from behind their wall of demolished motorcycles; Buzzer whips his chainsaw into a frenzy, Monkeywrench raises a couple sticks of dynamite, Road Pig brings out his sledgehammer and Torch ignites his cutting torch.  The explosives’ expert Monkeywrench lights both sticks of dynamite.  As he is about to throw them at Vao and Cad Bane, Wolverine screams from a tree branch above and slices off both of Monkeywrench’s arms.  Wolverine rushes to freedom and the dynamite explodes, shredding the decimated bodies of both Monkeywrench and Ripper. Zartan, Buzzer, Road Pig and Torch survive the blast.     

Road Pig miraculously reaches Bane and smashes the Duros bounty hunter with his sledgehammer.  Cad Bane falls to his knees and is set upon by both Buzzer and Torch.  Bane is both burned and sliced apart at the same time.  While the two Dreadnoks are focused on the burning and dismemberment of Bane, Vao strikes them both down with his lightsaber skills. 

Zartan has no chance against the combined powers of both Wolverine and Vao.  He is killed in only a matter of moments.

Shemalya. . .

She remembers the large hands as they reach around her small body.  The man smiles at her and hugs the young girl close.  Pinn feels warmth and love surrounding her as the man laughs.  She has finally found a home.  She is finally safe.  She is so very wrong. . .

Mountain region. . .

The Grinch and antlered Max stand next to Paul Bunyan and Babe.  They are positioned between Two Headed Ogres #1 and #2.  The Slaves look down the slope and see the Heroes slowly making their way up the path.   Matt Parkman attempts to read the mind of the Grinch and only hears “you’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.”  Just before he attempts to read the mind of Bunyan he is struck by a rock thrown by Two Headed Ogre #2.  The police officer is crushed underneath the boulder.  Hiro Nakamura grips onto Claire Bennett and transports the duo behind the enemy.  Bennett does a cartwheel while igniting her lightsaber and slices Max in half.  The Grinch screams in anger, but before he is able to reach his pet, is struck down by Hiro with his blue lightsaber.  Before the two can strike again, Babe boots the two across the sky.  Hiro is instantly killed, while Claire lays in a crumpled mass on the rocks below.  The Haitian is taken out by a swipe of Bunyan’s axe.  Peter Petrelli touches Sylar and the two race to the top of the mountain where they easily kill both Two Headed Ogres #1 and #2.  The two Heroes feed off one another’s abilities and manage to kill both Paul Bunyan and Babe. The two, bloodied and weary, walk down the winding trek and pick up a newly reformed and unbroken Bennett. 

City Region. . .

Beavis strolls down the street with his halbeard.  Butthead has his Sith lanvarok extended.  Buttchunk, Wally Trollman, Norville the Dragon, Josh Houslander: Samurai Warrior, Vampire Al Dogg, Simon Phoenix with a M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher, Ass Blaster #1 and Starship Trooper #7 join the motley brigade.  Daniel LaRusso flies out of the sky like an elegant crane, using his green lantern ring and whips around, slicing Starship Trooper #7 in half with his lightsaber.  Care Becks, Shrek-it Ralph, along with Wonder Boy and Young Nasty Man join the fray.  Care Becks waddles down the road and sees Ass Blaster #1, along with a diminished Samurai Warrior.  Houslander unsheathes his kitana blade and Ass Blaster #1 prepares for battle.  Care Becks responds by unsheathing his c@ck. 

Care Becks:  Circed motherf@cker!!!  I’m going to ram it up you’re a$$ blaster a$$ and then make the samurai lick it clean!!!

Care Becks spins in a wizened fury and wraps his legs around Houslander before the warrior can use his samurai skills.  Houslander falls to the ground, turning blue.

Care Becks:  Smell my sweaty, hairy balls a$$hole!!!

Houslander’s neck snaps and he crumples to the ground.  Care Becks then grips Houslander’s kitana blade and rips Ass Blaster #1 a new one.  Ass Blaster #1 falls to the pavement, dead.

Care Becks:  Who’s next you f@cks!?!?!

Vampire Al Dogg jumps on Care Becks and attempts to sink his teeth into the bear’s neck.   He fails as Care Becks skillfully flips the undead over his shoulder.  Butthead unleashes his Sith lanvarok at the bear and instead hits Buttchunck.  Buttchunck dies at the hand of his fellow combatant.   Care Becks turns around and sees Wally Trollman.  Before Trollman can use his magic stick, Care Becks sodomizes the Wallykazam character with his own stick and unleashes its magic. Trollman’s innards explode.   Norville the Dragon flies towards Care Becks in a fit of vengeance and is met by Wonder Boy and Nasty Man, who beats the little dragon to death with their guitars.   Simon Phoenix pulls the trigger on his rocket launcher and both Wonder Boy and Nasty Man are killed in the blast.  Shrek-it-Ralph creeps up behind Phoenix and breaks his neck.  Beavis and Butthead then use their weaponry against Ralph, killing the beast.  LaRusso uses both his lightsaber and ring against the MTV icons and kills both Beavis and Butthead.  Only Vampire Al Dogg remains from the Slaves.

Care Becks:  Back to where you belong, Al Dogg.

LaRusso uses his green lantern ring to shovel a trench.  The green projectile then turns into a giant hedge clipper, which cuts off Vampire Al Dogg’s head.  The undead’s body explodes into a cloud of dust and the ashes fall into the newly-dug ground.  Care Becks walks to the edge of the grave, starts urinating and spits.

Shemalya. . .

She looks upon the red blade as it is ignited.  Once owning a green tipped lightsaber, she marvels at the newly tailored light source of the weapon.  She smiles at the beauty and delicacy of the weapon.  She will strike down her enemies.  She will strike down her master and reign supreme. . .

Plains Region. . .

The Umbara Force adept, Sly Moore, holds out her hand and strikes Eren Jaeger in his human form.  It is only a matter of moments before Jaeger transforms into his titan form and rushes at Moore with a submission lock.  Moore falls down and Jaeger crushes her head.  As he looks up, Coleman Kcjaj and Ki Adi Mundi strike together, killing Jaeger. Battle Pope fires his chaingun at Shindor of Brontic, who easily deflects the projectiles with his lightsaber. The Dark Jedi then slices Battle Pope in half. The Hydra unleashes its ferocity upon Avengelyne and Witchblade.  Unfortunately for the duo, each time they manage to slice a head off, another two rise from the stump.  Eventually the women decide to avoid the beast and instead, focus on the number of Slaves’ Jedi, being Mundi, Kcaj and Platis.   The two mange to kill Ki Adi Mundi, Coleman Kcaj, and Yendar Platis, but fall to the superior strength of Shindor of Brontic, Kol Skywalker and the Hydra. 

Forest Region. . .

Wolverine and Vao join the Musketeers - Athos, Porthos, Aremis and D'Artagian.  The Slaves locate various prey -Donkey Kong, Red Lantern Jeff Houslander, Uncle Sam, Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E. They realize that there may be others though.

Wolverine:  I like the odds on this one gentlemen.

Donkey Kong senses the enemy and immediately climbs a tree.  At the top of the scrub, the ape begins to throw immense woody projectiles down at his enemy.  A large branch strikes Athos and the blow causes him to die.   Red Lantern Jeff Houslander belches rage plasma from his gullet and burns Porthos, who is unable to use his green lightsaber to defend himself.  Aremis and D’Artagian use their fencing abilities with their green lightsabers to defeat Uncle Sam. The two remaining swordsmen are then killed by Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E.

Houslander:  Four for four Frenchies dead, bi#Ches!!!

Before Houslander can relish further victories, he is struck down by use of the One Ring by Saruman.  Houslander begins to shake off the effects of the spell casting and is struck down by both Boromir with Anduril and Ajax Major with a devil lance.   Donkey Kong screeches at the top of the tree, realizing his time is now limited.  Proof is in the pudding as the Slaves cut the tree down and Donkey Kong falls to his death.   

Shemalya. . .

Shemalya:  You are weak, old man.  Your strength ebbs and wanes, while mine increases tenfold.  What chance do you have against the true Sith Lord?  What chance do you have against Shemalya?

The clashing of lightsabers echoes across the snowy plains of Carlac.  Shemalya gains the upper hand and strikes the cloaked figure down.  She looks down at her former master and smiles.

City Region-Final Battle. . .

The combatants are transported to the City Region for the final battle. 

The Decisions’ squad consists of Ulik, Serpent, Shao Khan/Skadi: Herald of the Serpent, Beast Wars Megatron/Nul: Breaker of Worlds, Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans, Blanka/Mokk: Breaker of Faith, Strong Guy, Sylar, Peter Petrelli, Claire Bennet, Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E., Captain Universe, Daniel LaRusso and Care Becks.

The Slaves’ remaining fighters are Amazo, Fernus, Loki, Wolverine, Shindor of Brontic, Kol Skywalker, Shado Vao, Sarumon, Boromir, Santa Claus with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Ajax Major and the Hydra.  

The Fear Itself Squad focuses on the Hydra. Ulik, Serpent, Shao Khan/Skadi: Herald of the Serpent, Beast Wars Megatron/Nul: Breaker of Worlds, Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans, Blanka/Mokk: Breaker of Faith combine their forces to defeat the Hydra by not only cutting off the heads, but burning the neck stubs before they can grown back additional maws.  Amazo and Fernus use the Hydra distraction to, one by one, strike and kill its members while busy fighting the Hydra.  They are assisted in this intensive endeavor by Wolverine, Shindor of Brontic and Sarumon.  Care Becks is skewered by Rudolph’s antlers and the bear flies away with the sleigh, looking as Ahab was with his white whale.  LaRusso takes revenge for his brethren’s death and uses Miyogi’s teachings to strike down Claus, Dancer and Vixen.  LaRusso is then sent to the FFL Graveyard one last time by Kol Skywalker’s superior skills and familiarity with a lightsaber and ring.  Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E. kill Ajax Major, who is unable to use his devil lance against the duo before his demise.  Boromir is killed by Strong Guy, who although underutilized, also manages to kill Prancer too before dying at the hands of Loki.   Sylar and Peter Petrelli are killed by Wolverine and Vao.  Bennett, Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E. are killed by Shindor and Skywalker, helped by Sarumon.   Knowing that his team has lost this match, Captain Universe overloads his Uni-Power.  Although the Uni-Power attempts to leave its host before causing catastrophic destruction; it is too late.  Captain Universe perishes, but takes with him Amazo, Shindor of Brontic, Vao, Sarumon and Rudolph. 

Slave’s Locker room. . .

A solitary, black-cloaked figure slowly treads from the locker room.

Wolverine:  You missed the fireworks.  Where the hell were you?!?

Shemalya does not answer, she simply grins, turns around and leads the survivors back to the locker room.